Sometimes God gives us a feeling that something is wrong with our marriage. And when He does, He wants us to act.
I once was speaking at the FamilyLife Canada Weekend Getaway conference in Niagara Falls, and one thing that came up in the women’s session was this phenomenon where wives sense that there is something off, but they can’t identify just what it is. Those who had experienced it all said the same thing: When you sense there’s something wrong, there usually is. Don’t hide. Confront it (It’s like what Gary Thomas wrote in his recent guest post on how when something’s wrong, you need to DO SOMETHING!).
One woman told her story. She felt something was weird, because her husband was short with her and grumpy, which was out of character. He was angrier than usual without a reason. His sex drive had fallen. But she didn’t say anything for quite a few months. Then it came out that he had been using pornography. He has since said that if she had confronted him earlier, it likely would have saved them both several months of pain.
Another woman once told me a similar story about knowing there was something wrong, and later discovering an affair. But in the meantime she twisted herself inside and out trying to be a better wife, since she believed that “the only person you can change is yourself.”
My heart breaks for women like these, but both did eventually speak up before things got too out of hand, and the marriages were both saved.
Sometimes, though, we don’t feel that it’s our role to speak up when something’s wrong in marriage. And then truly horrific things can happen.
Many couples believe that, because it’s a husband’s job to lead the family, it’s not the wife’s role to speak up if she thinks something is wrong. I’ve seen this dynamic all too often in the last ten years–women who firmly believe that letting him make decisions and set the family’s tone is the definition of submission, so they don’t deal with legitimate red flags in marriage.
When a woman is highly invested in having her husband be her authority, and considers the opportunity to allow him to make decisions as an opportunity to be Christlike, then I fear she may be less likely to call him on things when those warning signs appear. If you believe, for instance, that correcting your husband is not your role (“I’m not supposed to be His Holy Spirit!”), then what do you do when you start having a feeling that something is going wrong? And this view is quite common (see my takedown of the article claiming that husbands had to “get their wives ready for Jesus.”) In many theological circles, it’s the husband who hears from God and who then guides his wife. There doesn’t seem to be recourse if the husband is off course!
For instance, this image has been doing the rounds on Twitter recently. It’s from Bill Gothard’s institute, where he taught primarily homeschooling families how to be close to God. Last week someone emailed me asking me to comment on it, and I thought it fit in well with this post. This was his image of authority in marriage:
So the husband’s authority and relationship is through Jesus, but the wife’s is through the husband. She has a mediator between her and Jesus (rather against 1 Timothy 2:5, don’t you think?).
Why is this circulating around the internet now? Bill Gothard, who never married, led a huge, legalistic cult-like enterprise for training families in “how to be godly”. And at the same time, unbeknownst to the public, he was a sexual deviant, who surrounded himself with young girls who were all blonde and very thin, and then proceeded to allegedly fondle them. He was sued, but the suit was just abandoned because of the statute of limitations.
What Gothard was endeavouring to create was a group of believers who would follow him without question. And that’s what he promoted–you obey authority. Children obey everybody; women obey men; men are only answerable to God.
When it comes to this view, signified by this umbrella, I shake my head, because the only place in Scripture where it actually talks about a spouse sanctifying the other it is completely mutual. (Ephesians 5:24-25 talks about Jesus sanctifying the wife, not the husband doing so). Then there’s this:
1 Corinthians 7:12-14
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
So the wife can sanctify the husband. That seems an awful lot like the husband can be under the wife’s umbrella, doesn’t it?
Let’s be very clear what this umbrella theology (which is essentially the same as the “husbands need to get their wives ready for Jesus” theology that I’ve debunked) is saying:
If a woman corrects her husband or tries to lead him closer to Jesus, she is actually being an instrument of Satan.
Does anyone else find that highly ridiculous? What, after all, is more important to Jesus? That a husband be the boss, or that the family is reflecting Him and being transformed into His likeness?
Women were created to be “suitable helpers”, which means that iron should sharpen iron. But as I said in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, many women are not acting as iron. They are far too squishy.
Are you GOOD or are you NICE?
Because the difference matters!
God calls us to be GOOD, yet too often we’re busy being nice. And sometimes, in marriage, that can actually cause problems to be even more entrenched.
What if there’s a better way?
On this blog over the last few months I’ve had a number of (primarily male) commenters tell me that I’m leading people astray by telling women that they are to speak up if they sense something is wrong. And I just want to say, loudly and clearly, that sometimes when you feel something is wrong it’s because The Holy Spirit is helping you to see something important! It’s because God cares about you and cares about your marriage and cares about your husband, and sees that your husband is doing something bad that will lead everyone off a cliff. And so God is revealing it to you, because you’re the one in a position to do something about it.
Don’t ignore that voice. The Holy Spirit talks to you, not just to your husband. And sometimes the Holy Spirit does so for your husband’s sake.
So let’s just “spur each other on to love and good deeds”. Let’s not worry so much about making sure that he’s making the decisions, or that you’re catering to his desires, or that you never, ever speak up. Please, let Jesus be Jesus. Don’t make your husband into your god. That will never end well.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Well didnt you go on a tear today Sheila lol. Where you went with this topic was certainly not what I expected. I like it and I am now predicting to see a huge amount of comments today so this will be interesting. Cant wait!
I know. I’m kinda scared. 🙂 But I did have a bunch of people asking me about that umbrella graphic, and then I had that incident at the marriage conference, and I just thought they went well together. 🙂 I think many of us run away from conflict naturally, to be honest. Conflict isn’t fun. So then, if we can find a theological reason that justifies why we don’t have to handle conflict, we may flock to it. So I think many women flock to this idea that we shouldn’t question our husbands because it’s actually psychologically easier than feeling responsible for dealing with the problems that we see. And that just isn’t what God wants. Like He says in Ecclesiastes 3, there is a time for everything–including speaking. And we need to be mindful of those times!
This post and Gary Thomas’ from today complement each other well! http://www.garythomas.com/the-beauty-of-a-rebuke/
I love that! I respect Gary so much. Glad we’re thinking along the same lines!
I finally did, after starting to take care of myself. And I learned that my spouse believes atheism and that they’re ok with not being monogamous. I’m praying the God will soon answer. My husband went to church with me before and for a short time after we married.
Oh, I’m so sorry. That’s so tough! I’d really recommend setting up some firm boundaries. Your husband has the right to decide that monogamy isn’t for him. But you also have the right to say, “I refuse to tolerate anything other than monogamy in my marriage.” And then to enact consequences if your boundary lines are crossed. You may not be able to change his mind, but you can decide what you will tolerate and what you will not. I’m so sorry!
Well said. Sadly, Gothard is not the only one promoting the umbrella view of marriage with its emphasis on authority. I dare say it is the dominant, underlying view in the western church, though most leaders fear emphasizing it in our culture today. Needles to say, the “picture” God gives us of marriage is that of a human boday — one flesh. The husband is the head and the wife his body, just like Christ and the Church. It should be obvious to each of us how much our physical head depends on body feedback. Authority has no part in conversation about the body.
Thanks, Doug! Yes, it certainly isn’t just Gothard. That’s why we all must be on the look out for these doctrines. They underlie a lot of what people believe, often without realizing it.
I think women are turned off by Gothard’s umbrella presentation primarily because it comes off as repressive. Consequently, women are turned on by true masculine leadership which is decisive and caring. In Genesis 3:16 God plainly tells Eve, “Adam will rule over you.” Gothard’s presentation comes across as “Adam will rule you.” There is a great difference.
I’m not sure, Doug. I think the big difference in the Genesis 3:16 passage is that Genesis 3:16 is a CURSE–not something that God intended, and something that Jesus came to set right and that will not be true in heaven. It was a prophecy of what would happen, in a similar way that weeds and having to work the soil was a prophecy and a curse. Gothard, instead, saw it as something GOOD that God approved of. And He did not.
Hmmm, I hear you Sheila. But I think you’d have to carry that over to pain in childbirth also which clearly has continued throughout the ages, though masked by modern anesthesia. Many avid feminists are conflicted by their strong attraction to the dominant-sub role play of BDSM. What they are conflicted by is the natural inclination God instilled in women for the safety of masculine arms and oversight.
You know what Sheila. I find it incredibly interesting that an awful lot of people seem to have a very negative opinion of modern day methods of lessening the pain of childbirth. Almost as if it goes against what God wants for women. And the thing about those medications is that while they lessen the pain while in the labor, there is still pain before those meds and definitely after they have worn off. You know, like those incredibly intense contractions that you get during breastfeeding while your uterus shrinks back to its normal size. Anyway, my point is that God also describes intense labor about how Adam will have to work for his food. But here’s the thing. While we still must work hard to pay for food, not all men work the ground to get it. We are blessed to have farmers who do that. And they have MODERN DAY MACHINES to help them do a lot of the work so it is definitely not the “painful toil” it used to be. So is modern day farm machinery against God’s will for men? Why are epidurals viewed in such an ungodly light when modern day machinery is just accepted as a way to make farming easier and less of a painful toil. God obviously gave men the knowledge to create those machines to make their work easier. Is it so hard to believe that God also gave the knowledge to someone in order to make labor a little easier for women? In my opinion, anyone who wants to imply that women are somehow going against what God wants by choosing to have less pain in labor should stop buying the food that someone else grew and harvested using modern day machines and go plant a garden in their yards and work the ground for their food like God intended.
Preach it, sister! 🙂 Did you know that when anaesthesia was first discovered (invented?), many Christian leaders fought against its use for labour because pain was supposed to be part of the curse and thus God’s will? It’s really scary.
I did know that because I believe you mentioned it before. It is really scary. And really stupid. Lol like I said, people don’t fight against modern advances in farming and farm equipment so violently when in reality it deviates just as much (if not more) from the original curse as epidurals do. It makes our lives much much easier afterall (and dare I say, it cancels out the original curse for the majority of men). And like I said, there is still plenty of pain to be had before labor, leading up to the epidural, and after the baby is born. But that’s not good enough. We must feel ALL the pain or else we are terrible women and mothers! Don’t get me wrong. My brother-in-law farms. I know he works very hard. But they don’t work as hard as they would have to if they didn’t have their farming equipment. We are blessed to have knowledgeable people in the agricultural field who work the ground for us to produce the food we can very conveniently go buy whenever we need it. And we are very blessed to have knowledgeable people in the medical field who have made surgery, illnesses, diseases, and yes, even labor, much easier for us to endure. Sorry for the rant. I know it is off topic, but seriously. People need to stop bashing epidurals unless they are honestly willing to go out and go through the “painful toil” of growing all of their own food with no modern equipment. Give me a break! Ok, I’m done. Lol
I look at it this way. All of those things were “the curse”. Jesus came to overcome the curse–all parts of it. Yet somehow we treat some aspects of the curse as if God wants it that way–like God wants men to rule over women. Nope. In Christ, there is no male nor female (Galatians 3:28). Let’s reverse the curse! That’s why Jesus came.
Amen, Sheila!
Samantha/Sheila, my labor pain example was simply intended to point out the abiding nature of Genesis 3. If the instruction to Eve (and by implication all wives) that Adam would rule over her was to be abolished by the coming of Christ, then labor pain would also cease, since it was part of the package. We know labor pain has not ceased, therefore we should conclude ALL things continue. As I’ve said before, Genesis 3 describes mechanisms the LORD put in place for our preservation and strengthening. The US Marine corp engineers a tough and painful boot camp environment to train new recruits. We all recognize the wisdom—it is to produce tough warriors. We don’t say they are cursed. Similarly, the LORD engineered a tough and painful environment for woman and man after the Fall. It was intended for blessing. Paul alluded to this when he said “women shall be preserved through the bearing of children.” No doubt we can develop ways to soften or remove these mechanisms whether it be through automation or anesthesia, but we will also lose the benefits. Collectively we will rot. Inevitably, we will be returned to the divine mechanisms.
Doug, I’ve got to say, and please forgive me if this comes off as rude, but you have no idea how offensive you sound. You’re talking about labour pains as being good for us and we shouldn’t eschew the benefits. You miss the whole point that this was not ever what God has intended! And when you focus on labour pains, rather than other aspects of the curse that largely have been removed (like farming equipment), you really sound very negative on women.
It sounds like you’re saying that God wants women to be ruled by men, and God wants women to go through immense pain, because that’s for our good.
If that were true, then it would have been part of our existence before the fall.
And you ignore the things that men go through. I just ask you to remember that mostly women read this blog, and many, many women who aren’t part of the Christian faith as well. And please, ask yourself, “will what I am about to say draw people to the faith, or push women away from it?”
And please, don’t think that God enjoys cursing us, or that God prefers the curse to the blessing. He does not. He came to lift the curse. Full stop.
Actually Genesis 3:16 doesn’t say anything about a curse. God speaks to the serpent and says what is “cursed” because of what the serpent did and God speaks to the man and tells him what is “cursed” because of what he did. However, when God speaks to Eve he doesn’t tell her that anything is “cursed” because of her. He just tells her the consequences which I believe are completely covered by Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. Just wanted to point that out because everyone keeps talking about the curse on the women because of the fall but the Bible doesn’t actually ever call it that.
Great point, Melissa! But that’s the key–they are consequences. But they aren’t GOOD, in and of themselves. And we obviously work to get rid of the consequences of difficulties with farming. Why can we not also work to get rid of the consequences of pain in childbirth or of men ruling over women? Why the need to see these things as good, when they’re not? They’re the result of the fall. So sad.
I’m reminded of Isaiah 5:20:
I’m with you. Absolutely we should work to get rid of the consequences of sin. The work of the cross can restore the harmony that was broken between God and man and husband and wife and people with each other and eventually between man and the earth when Jesus returns. I guess my point was because it wasn’t a curse then things like using epidurals in childbirth really aren’t a big deal. And everything that Christ taught speaks to the restoration of the relationship between husbands and wives because we are restored to relationship with God. Keep up the good work Sheila!
Great points Melissa and Sheila!
Sheila, an integral part of Genesis 3:16 is “your desire shall be for your husband.” So you think this is a bad thing?
Sure, she desires him so much that she subordinates her own good and lets him rule over her instead–the “women who love too much” phenomenon. We’ve all seen it. Women who choose horrible men, because they desire to be loved and they do so to their detriment. After the Fall, our emotions and desires were marred, and it led to a fractioning of relationship.
Doug, this has been discussed enough, and I think it’s time to end it. I was showing in the post that women SHOULD speak up when they sense that something is wrong, because God could be telling them to do so. Instead, you seem intent to argue that men ruling over women is God’s provision for women and is a good thing. THIS is why women don’t speak up. THIS attitude is why women too often enable sin (your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you indeed). I would like to end it now, because I don’t believe that further discussion on this is edifying to the women who come here. Thank you!
Sheila, thank you. Great post!
Pain is not the point of marriage! God gave us marriage and sex an a picture and vision of Heaven on earth. It is the closest we can come to God. Afterall, He created us and made us for this beautiful experience. Sheila, I appreciate your positive and encouragement to women.
Three cheers for you and this article, Sheila <3
Thank you!
Sheila! This is such a refreshing read. Thank you. This definitely applies to those that are in courtship. I remember how I would just keep quiet in a relationship because I was afraid to deal with issues. I learnt the hard way abs this serves as affirmation. Thank you. Keep writing!
So glad you found this helpful!
Yes! When my husband and I were still dating, God told me to confront him on watching porn. We both agreed it was wrong and had to stop. My husband (boyfriend at the time) backslid three times and each time I could immediately tell something was not right. The Holy Spirit told me to check his phone and confront him. He found counsel with a strong Christian friend and we haven’t had a problem since. he was so ashamed each time that if I didn’t confront him, I don’t think he would have confessed, so who knows what may have happened.
That’s EXACTLY the point I was trying to make, Katie! Thank you.
I don’t think we realize what a strong impact we can have when we do stand up to sin or when we do lovingly confront. In fact, how can we really love our husbands if we don’t deal with the hard stuff? I know it’s easier to let things go, but the easy route is not always the best. And often God really wants us to do something! So glad you listened to the Holy Spirit’s voice.
I immediately thought of a large reality tv family when I started to read this post. And then got to the Gothard umbrella….which makes no sense at all. Thanks for posting this! Hoping it gets shared a lot on social media!!
I myself waited a long time to confront hubby on some behaviors. He wanted to tell me, but was scared.
This blog has been HUGE in helping us heal and rebuild our marriage! The other day he told me he was reading the blog as I napped. 😉
God bless you, Sheila for always speaking up and being so Jesus-like!!!
Oh, I’m so glad I’ve been able to help, Beck! That’s wonderful.
Your article reminds me of a story I read years ago. This woman, who was recently divorced, found herself thinking about her high school boyfriend. They had been deeply in love and broke up after going off to two different colleges. She’d never quite forgotten him so she decided to look him up on social media and discovered that he was also divorced. Immediately, they hit it off and were soon planning to marry. She quit her job and moved across the country to be with him. They married and together they built their dream home. They were deliriously happy. After several months, something didn’t necessarily feel wrong yet it didn’t feel totally right either. Still, she was afraid to say anything to her husband. A few more months passed and one day, she picked up his cell phone to check something unrelated to him and found pictures of another man. Curious, she looked further and found several phone conversations between them. She finally confronted her husband and he responded, “I choose not to answer these questions.” That’s it. Every time she would question him, that’s all he said. He didn’t admit or deny anything; he just refused to discuss the topic, period. Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore. As you can imagine, everything she had thought was so wonderful in her marriage had evaporated due to lack of trust so she fled to the other side of the country. They eventually divorced and she tried to move forward with her life. The most painful aspect of the entire situation was that she had absolutely no closure. She even said had he been honest about this man, his social standing and career wouldn’t have been damaged yet he said nothing. It would have been much simpler had he been honest in the first place. Within a year, she heard through the grapevine that he was engaged to another woman yet AGAIN.
This story haunted me because had this woman not spoken up as quickly as did, this situation could have gone on indefinitely. Can you imagine? They’d even been planning to have children. Had she chosen to remain silent, they’d likely still be together with several children while this man led a double life.
I don’t believe this is what God would want at all. We’re called to edify one another. A husband’s and wife’s chief relationship to one another is brother and sister in Christ and I believe we have an obligation to challenge each other in love if there is a problem. And by that, I don’t mean we should take the opportunity to pounce on each other and shout, “Aha!” I’ve caught you in sin!” but to do so after much prayer, in a loving way. If a husband is placed upon a pedestal by his wife (or even by the Church), then he is cut off from loving correction by the one who knows and loves him best.
So well said, Elena! Love this especially: “A husband’s and wife’s chief relationship to one another is brother and sister in Christ and I believe we have an obligation to challenge each other in love if there is a problem.”. Yep.
I’m so sorry about that woman, too! How sad! So this guy was just marrying women over and over again to give him cover for a homosexual relationship? Wow. You’re right. If she didn’t trust her instincts, things could have gotten so much worse.
Thankyou Elena for telling that story. I think I may have the same issue in my marriage. He is a Christian and we pray together every night but he won’t discuss his complete disinterest and diligent avoidance of sex. He won’t talk about it or go to counselling. I have a feeling that he is struggling with his sexual identity but i have been scared to tackle it. Anyway as soon as i ask him to talk to me about what is going on in his head he shuts me down instantly or (worse) tells me im making an issue of things again. Its so frustrating. I agree with the idea of not pouncing on someone’s sin (Jesus has forgiven me so much) and I guess I can’t anyway without any proof but it leaves me in a lonely and isolated place. I so wish I could reach out to him and find out what is going on. I sincerely hope he isnt leading a double life. My first husband had a long term affair for years behind my back which was devastating for me and my children and id prefer not to go through that again but equally i need the truth. God is light and Truth. I’m going to keep praying!!
I want to stand and cheer! This needs to be said loudly and clearly. I’m always surprised how many Christian wives will lay out a problem and beg for help. “Did you talk to your husband about it?” I’ll ask. “Well, no,” they’ll say. “I don’t know how” or “I’m afraid of being disrespectful.”
I wonder if part of this reluctance to say anything, on top of fearing that speaking up is “out of line,” is the stereotype that women are nags, dripping faucets, quarrelsome, what have you. It’s seen as women’s #1 fault, pounded into our brains through media, Christian culture, and even some husbands. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that men, moreso than women, have a harder time accepting their spouse’s influence. I think all of these factors combine to make it extremely difficult for wives to trust their instincts, much less speak up and be heard.
I think that’s so true, Bailey. Asking about something important is not nagging; it’s called healthy communication and boundary setting. Now, nagging is ugly for sure. But I think we warn far too much against nagging without really teaching healthy communication techniques. It’s really sad!
I came to say this exact thing about nagging!
I love this! Since when does being a leader by God’s standards mean making all decisions and being above reproach? Jesus set the stage for what leadership should look like which is humble servanthood, elevating others and taking initiative/responsibility. Yes, decisions have to be made, but the biblical model of leadership means that a woman shouldn’t have to keep bugging her husband but rather he would take initiative with the decision, which includes asking his wife for her input and considering it equal to his own.
Also a large issue I have with some of these false teaching is that it makes the husband a greater authority to the kids than the wife, which is NOT true. the Bible says obey your parents, not obey your father and mother if the father backs her up. As far as kids are concerned, parents are equal in their authority. Yes, between a husband and a wife the wife should try to follow her husbands humble, servant hearted and responsible lead when it comes to kids, but the kids should not think that the husband has more authority than the wife because 1. that undermines a mother’s authority so why would the kids ever listen to her when the dad isn’t there as well and 2. teaches kids a false idea of leadership that focuses on control, power and worldly authority. Kids should know that their dad is a leader because of his initiative, responsibility and servanthood, not because mom lets dad make every decision and the dad does all the talking/disciplining/does everything as the parent in authority. My husband and I have talked about this and I think he is finally coming to see what I am saying (we don’t even have kids yet) and that when, for example, a child gets in trouble and parents go to talk to them about it, a dad does not have to do all the talking, be the one to give out the punishment, or make all the rules. Parents should try to do these things together and no it will not give the kids a false idea about leadership and no it is not being co-leaders of the family but it is being co-parents, which the Bible calls for. And a mother is a leader of her children and can even lead her husband through influence AND speaking up when something is wrong.
Paul Byerly also kind of tackled this today. You all are rocking it!
https://thexycode.com/2018/03/14/i-dont-want-no-help-meet/
As someone who struggled with this type of issue for a long time, I highly recommend the book Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I read it recently, and it has already been life changing to me! I still have a long way to go, but I am finally on the right track!
I think that if wives feel like they can’t bring up issues in their marriage, that actually makes more room for Satan to influence her, because if she feels like she has no power or influence in her ‘godly’ marriage, it is very tempting to listen to Satan offering her some power through sin. I know that if I had felt able to communicate healthily with my husband earlier in our marriage (and that was in NO WAY my husbands fault, it was all from me and my people pleasing hang ups), then I am 100% convinced that I would not have gone on to commit adultery.
Thanks Sheila for speaking up about this unhealthy relationship dynamic, and backing it up with Gods Word!
My husband and I have been blessed with two amazing couples who mentor us in our marriage. During the times I have felt something was off, I have been able to reach out to them, first for prayer and second for wisdom in how to approach the issue in a loving way. Their wisdom has been invaluable for us.
I first found this website as I was looking for good materials about sex between husband and wife, and on that topic I will admit that this website is pretty good.
But as I stay for awhile, I start to realize that Sheila’s ideas about the relationship of husband and wife is much influenced by feminist ideas, not necessarily the extreme ones, but the common ones, of “equal headship” between husband and wife, etc.
Look, we can bash Bill Gothard all we want, but (being unfamiliar with him) it would be wrong to dismiss a biblical concept, because some people promoting it are iffy and gross, or because they misrepresent and mis-apply the principle in question.
Let’s get to the basic. The Bible in no uncertain terms, declare that the husband is the head of the household. This is not done in only one place, it is proclaimed many times in the Bible, explicitly and implicitly. And no, those verses are not only a product of culture/misogyny/blahblah… They were inspired by the Holy Spirit, intended for believers, and draw upon the order of creation as well as the loving relationship between Christ and His church. (not just “Jewish” / male perspective).
We would do well to study the Bible text itself. “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God” (1 Cor. 11:3 KJV). Bible verses do not contradict each other! We cannot take some verses to deny the clear statements in other verses. There must be something wrong in our interpretation when this happens.
The husband is the head of the wife. This is God’s design. You can dislike it, but for your own sake, I would suggest that this is the best way personally, and the best way for society, because it is GOD’S DESIGN.
That does not mean the wife cannot inform his husband when he’s wrong. That does not mean the wife has no input. That does not mean the husband is free to abuse the wife. But it does mean that the wife is to acknowledge the leadership of the husband.
Hi Tenrin,
I completely agree with not throwing out the Bible. I just think that sometimes we think the Bible says something, but we miss the bigger picture. For instance, nowhere in Scripture does it say that the husband is “head of the household”. It just isn’t there.
Also, in Greek there are two words for head. One implies head as in boss, like head of a corporation, head of an army, etc. The other implies more “source” and doesn’t have an authority connotation, like “head of a river”. The first word, meaning boss, is archon. The second word, meaning source, is kephale. Archon is found in the Greek Septuagint (the translation of the Old Testament) that was used at the time. But it is not found here in Paul’s writings. Here Paul uses the word “kephale”. He deliberately chooses NOT to use the word that implies boss, even though he obviously knows it and it is in common use at the time.
So I’d just urge people to think more deeply about what Paul was trying to say. In English it looks more obvious than it actually is. Thanks!
Sheila, when people talk about submission in marriage (primarily about a woman’s submission to her husband) I always think back to a story Pastor David Jeremiah has told in a few of his sermons. Early on in marriage (when they already had children) he and his wife were working on growing a church. He was spending A LOT of his time doing work for the church. And as a result he wasn’t spending much time at all at home with his wife and young children. One night at dinner his wife Donna spoke up about it and said that she didn’t feel right telling him not to spend so much time on God’s work but that she simply wanted him to go to God and ask Him if he was doing the right thing by working as many hours as he was. And if God told him he should be working all of those hours, then she would support him. And, like a man of God should, he did just that and felt God telling him that it wasn’t right to neglect his family the way he had been. So he cut back his hours. His wife spoke up about a concern she had, she asked him to go to God, and he did. And this was a man doing work for God’s church. And yet, rather than get indignant and tell his wife that she should be ashamed of herself for suggesting that he was working too much for God, he allowed himself to be reproached by his wife (and I think it’s important to note that his wife was clearly more in tune with what God actually wanted from him than he was). That is a man who loves his wife. And that is the kind of man who can be a “source” of strength and godliness for his family.
Oh, I love that so much, Samantha! That’s humility on both of their parts, and it’s great.
I just found the sermon where he tells the story on youtube. It is called Fully Engaged With My Family. I didn’t get all of the details of the story exactly right but the “meat” of the story is the same. It is 25 minutes into the sermon. I just love his story. I just find it so refreshing and powerful that the man was doing work for God’s church and had every reason to justify what he was doing when his wife reproached him. And then there are men out there who view any reproach from their wives as ungodly conduct even when it is about something as damaging and ungodly as a bad temper, porn use, lusting after other women, verbal abuse, etc. Any man who is so violently against being reproached is exactly the sort of person who NEEDS it the most.
Hi Sheila,
“nowhere in Scripture does it say that the husband is “head of the household”. It just isn’t there.”
I beg to disagree very much. Are you referring to the exact words “husband is the head of the household”? Sure, such arrangements of words may not exactly appear, but the Bible teach this very much. We cannot find the exact words “you should not snort cocaine” either in the Bible, but the Bible very much teach this.
The Bible teach that the husband is the head of the household by:
1. Teaching that the husband is the head of the wife (1 Cor. 11:3, Eph. 5:22-33, 1 Pet. 3:1-7, among others). If the husband is the head of the wife, and the children are to submit to the parents, then IT LOGICALLY FOLLOWS that the husband is the head of household. Yes, Jesus Christ is the overall head, but we are talking about the human situation.
2. By telling husbands to rule their household, for instance in 1 Timothy 3:1-4 “A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, …. One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity” (1Tim. 3:1-4).
3. By many examples. For instance, Joshua leads his household. “but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.” (Jos 24:15). See also: Heb. 12:9-10; 1 Thes. 2:11-12.
Now about “head.” You mentioned archon and kephale. Archon translates into ruler, prince, principality. Kephale actually translates very well into the English “head.” That is because Kephale can mean 1) literally “head,” that is the biological head of a person, or an animal; or 2) figuratively, “head” that is the leader. Let me quote Thayer’s lexicon in part about Kephale: “Metaphorically, anything supreme, chief, prominent; of persons, master, lord:”
“The other implies more “source” and doesn’t have an authority connotation,”
I have no idea how you arrive at this conclusion. As far as I know, no Greek lexicon will bear this out. Sure, Kephale can mean “source” but I don’t see how that helps your argument at all. 1) source can very much have an “authority” connotation. 2) I don’t see how the husband can be the “source” of the wife. If anything, this is even stronger than the being the “leader” of the wife. 3) Jesus Christ is the Kephale of the church. I don’t see how we can argue that “authority” is not a prominent part of the meaning here.
I think you are trying very hard to justify your position, and doing lots of logical and exegetical gymnastics to get there.
Tenrin, I understand that we disagree. I would just point out again that Paul had the opportunity to use archon, the one that is used as “head of an army”, and he did not. As Marg Mowszco says:
Besides, if you look at the order in the Corinthians passage, to think that it means authority is strange. It would mean that Paul got the order wrong:
But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man,[a] and the head of Christ is God.
If Paul was talking about authority, why not say,
But he didn’t. Yet if you understand kephale as origin or source rather than authority, then it makes sense. Man appeared first, then woman, then Christ on earth.
I am not saying that there aren’t important differences between man and woman; not at all. I am saying, however, that to put man in the place of Christ in a woman’s life is a heresy and leads to all kinds of evil, including what I have laid out in this article. We are all to be surrendered to Jesus as Lord, not to a human being.
I would also point out that in Christ there is no male nor female (Galatians 3:28), and that ultimately we are to obey God, and not man (Acts 5:29). Submission is also to be mutual (Ephesians 5:21), and thus it simply cannot have the connotation of decision making, or it would be illogical. If submission merely means letting others make decisions, then what does “submit to one another” mean? “Always let other people make the decisions?”
People who try so hard to prove that men are to be the boss seem to miss the point of the gospel, which is that we are to serve. If we were all trying to serve, there really wouldn’t be any issue, now would there?
I also find it so interesting that you’re taking such offense in a post in which I said that if the Holy Spirit nudges a woman that something is off with her husband (like he may be using porn or having an affair), that she should do something about it. And the reason that many women don’t is because they think it’s not their role.
You, then, proceed to show why indeed women should be subordinate. Why, in effect, it’s not their role.
So indeed you are proving my point. You are showing that yes, indeed, women do have reason to think that they aren’t supposed to speak up. That women are being taught in Christian circles that what her husband says goes, rather than being taught that what God says goes. And I personally think that this is such a travesty, and such a distortion of the gospel.
[Editor says: I’m going to cut off this discussion now because it’s gone on far too long, and it isn’t the subject of the post. If you’d like to argue about headship, please follow the link in the comment I already left to the blog that focuses on headship. That conversation is best had there. This post is about whether it’s okay for a wife to speak up if she fears that her husband is doing something wrong.
You seem intent on proving my point–by focusing on how women must see husbands as the authority and the leader, then it’s no wonder that so many women feel that it’s not their role to communicate when they have an issue!]
Hi Tenrin,
I’d like to say first and foremost: I do not tend to agree with the overly feminist ideals for running a household. It makes me incredibly sad to see households run by the wife/mother, with the husband sitting back and allowing life to just happen, or worse, a husband who is so emotionally bruised by his wife that he will do anything to keep from rippling the waters.
So when you said, “Bible verses do not contradict each other! We cannot take some verses to deny the clear statements in other verses. There must be something wrong in our interpretation when this happens.” You are 100% correct! Which is why I found it a bit ironic that you quoted 1 Cor. 11:3 alone as an argument for marriage structure. The context of 1 Corinthians 11 is referencing public worship and Israel’s idolatry, not running a household. So verse 3 might be sending a certain message if stitched on a pillow and read alone, but does not have the same meaning in context.
I am not attempting to give an interpretation on this chapter. But I will say: Verse 6 says it is shameful for a woman to have her hair cut short/shaved. I’d lost my hair when I was sick, and although I do have hair now, I won’t grow much longer than a few inches. Am I then to interpret this verse to say that I should not be allowed in a house of worship because of my short hair? The entire passage is referring to (culturally-appropriate) respect and mindset in a public worship setting, not the shame of a haircut (and verses 13-16 further cement the need for context). My point is that context matters, especially in realizing the differences between Hebrew/Greek and English.
I do believe that the husband should be the head of the marriage, but when that is not possible/healthy, God absolutely provides a way of escape. We see examples of this repeatedly though the Bible. If all of our marriages reflected Song of Songs, this question would be largely unnecessary, but we are a fallen race. Even with me and my husband, to the outsider, it absolutely looks like I’m the leader. But inside, that’s not the case. He’s not a natural leader, and I am. So when I was headed out the door when leading a ladies’ Bible study, he prayed for me before I left, and helped with the housework before I returned. This doesn’t necessarily fit someone like Bill Gothard’s handbook for living, but I still believe it is Biblical (to note: I, too, am not overly familiar with his teaching more than a quick internet search, but I’ve heard from many people who are of a similar mindset).
Hi Michelle,
I only quoted 1 Cor. 11:3 because to quote other passages would require much more space. And 1 Cor. 11:3 is the passage that gives the structure: Christ – Husband – Wife that Sheila seems to protest.
However, 1 Cor. 11:3 is consistent with the whole tenor and teaching of the Bible of the headship of husband over the wife.
I disagree with your take on the haircut. This is not merely cultural. See the verses: “Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him? But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering” (1 Cor. 11:14-15). This is not cultural, it is Natural. That means it is part of God’s original design.
Now, I sympathize with all women who for health reasons cannot grow long hair. In no way do I look down upon such. But that’s just the effect of sin in this world, that illnesses exist. Many things in this world is broken, and not up to God’s design. That does not mean we should not strive for God’s design whenever it is possible.
Now, back to husband and wife. If the wife is to honour the husband and treat him as the head in “public worship,” as you put it, then it follows that she is to do the same in the household. To deny this would be illogical, not to mention unbiblical in light of other passages (Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, 1 Timothy 2, etc.).
I know that in some combination of husband and wife, the wife is more of a natural leader. I often illustrate the husband and wife situation as the situation between let’s say a President and Vice President. So, to be clear, we are not talking about who has more “worth,” or “smarter,” “as both are “equal” in essence, but different in roles, including who has the “leadership” role over the other. They both have leadership over the “people” (the “children”), but the President, by virtue of his office, is the acknowledged leader. So, a wife who has great natural leadership, can still respect the husband, by virtue of his office, which is actually respecting the God who created the system and the office.
Btw, from what you described about your situation, I don’t see anything unbiblical there either. A husband can pray for his wife, and let his wife lead Ladies’ Bible studies. Nothing wrong there. A husband can do house chores. It’s all in the attitude of the heart. A wife can do all the household chores, but if her heart is not submissive, I believe she is still sinning.
Tenrin, thank you for at least being consistent. So you are arguing that a woman should have long hair, or else she is in sin (unless she is sick, and then it’s a symptom of the fall if she doesn’t have long hair).
So you hold that a woman with a short haircut is therefore in sin? I guess that would include the Queen, too. And pretty much 85% of women over the age of 70. And a whole lot of those younger, too.
Do you think that a more logical way to look at this passage is that the whole context of the latter few chapters of 1 Corinthians is propriety in worship, since Corinth was a place of idol worship, and Paul was instructing them how to worship in such a way that they were beyond reproach? And thus it was very important to not offend anyone unnecessarily?
And that perhaps a better way of looking at how we could apply this passage is to take the spirit of it, rather than hair style recommendations? So, if, for instance, we wanted to make sure that our worship to the outside world was beyond reproach, and that we were not causing undo offense, then perhaps we should think about how the way we talk about women may be offensive to outsiders? And that to tell non-Christians that it is a sin to cut their hair may make people run away from Jesus?
That perhaps you are missing the forest through the trees? Just food for thought!
Mr. Grey,
Sorry, there are simply times when the ship would absolutely hit the rocks if left entirely up to the headship of the captain because the first mate didn’t want to usurp his authority, to use another analogy. God’s intention is for each of us, individually, to be constantly seeking to draw ourselves closer to Him. Paul, Peter, and the other NT writers are writing to people who are assumed to be doing this as believers. I think all of us speaking here hope for marriages where this is the case, because if both are following God’s leading, they’re both going in the same direction!
Sadly, sometimes even a Christian spouse is being led by something other than God and the best interest of the family unit! This can be addiction, mental illness, or even just plain old tunnel vision where the focus has moved from God to work or people-pleasing, to name a few. Now, seriously, sir..what recourse does your interpretation offer to families where the husband’s leadership is heading in one of these directions? As I understand Sheila’s post, she is speaking to exactly these types of situations.
I believe a wife should follow Christ, and hope that her husband is doing the same thing a step ahead of her. I think Paul speaks to these lesser issues as well when he says “if the unbelieving spouse wishes to depart, let them depart” (from the will of Christ, not necessarily the marriage. Most cases I’m talking about are resolvable within the marriage.) If a spouse is, on a given issue, not focused on Christ, it is foolish and dangerous for the Christ-focused spouse to follow them into sin simply because the distracted one is the man!
Amen! Very well said.
Great article, Sheila! Women (and men too) absolutely need to listen to their instincts and listen for and to the voice of God!
Thanks, Samantha!
My husband and I were discussing this the other night and came to the conclusion that a Godly couple who are seeking to follow Christ and desire each other’s growth in grace will have a very similar marriage whether they have complementarian or egalitarian views. I am not saying that understanding what the Bible teaches about marriage isn’t important but what matters is how we apply and live out those beliefs. People can have all the right doctrine and theology but without a a humble spirit and a loving attitude to our neighbours it will be of no value. Technically I am a complementarian but I wouldn’t choose to use the term because of all the unhelpful baggage that comes with it these days. Parts of the western Church have become paranoid about feminism. Yes the world and Satan are attacking marriage but the greatest dangers in Church history have always come from within, distortions of theology due to trying to combat an external enemy and going to the other extreme. The likes of Bill Gothard should raise soo many red flags in genuine Christian circles that no-one would countenance listening to them. Any teaching that encourages husbands to distrust their wives and see them as a threat and not a God given helpmeet needs to be given no room. It comes straight from the fall when God asked Adam what he had done and he replied that it was the fault of the ‘woman you gave me’. Adam blamed his wife and he blamed God for creating her. I keep seeing whiffs of that kind of thinking in some complementarian teaching and it’s sinful.
Oh, Esther, I totally agree with you! The issue isn’t doctrine really. The issue is where is Jesus in your life? The people I know who have great marriages come from all ends of the doctrinal spectrum, but they have one thing in common: They humbly and lovingly follow Jesus. That’s what it’s about. And I do really fear for those who follow Gothard, too!
Great article Sheila! This is another one I read a few days ago looking at this same umbrella heresy:
https://timfall.com/2017/02/22/spiritual-umbrellas-suppress-women/
I believe it is no accident that this review of complementarianism is being brought up over and over and over lately. And no coincidence that at the same time in the secular world, the “#metoo” movement.
I pray God will use this lesson not to further divide us into camps, it to lovingly bring us all together to accept His truth.
Amen, Sarah! And I love Tim Fall. I hadn’t read that one, but I’ve quoted him before, too. I wish we could all just rally around Romans 8:29–that we are to be transformed into the likeness of his Son. If we all endeavoured to look like Jesus, rather than fulfill certain roles or look like the perfect wife, life would be much better!
Trusting your instincts is actually good advice for men or women. I actually ignored and suppressed my instincts for a very long time, and I would have been well served to have paid attention. But those of us that have been abused, ignore our instincts because often the truth is too painful to pay attention to. Trusting our instincts would mean that things are wrong and that they need to be addressed. But how do we addresses them with a person that is an abuser and will not take responsibility for anything? When anything we say will be twisted around and played with until we believe that we are the problem and that if we just work, love, and pray a little harder, THEN they won’t be so angry, blaming, etc.
One caveat to that would be… Be careful about trusting your own instincts if you only talk to yourself. I have seen a personal example of someone that pushed away everyone in her life that would give her good, honest, and Godly council because she was living in sin and didn’t want to admit it.
I have long been concerned over the teaching of Gothard and others (vision forum). I have known far too many people that became deeply involved with them and their teaching. I believe that they have been very tempting for people to follow because they make having a “successful” family sound and look simple. They present a nice written formula that if you do everything they say, your family will turn out great. Then they trot out examples of families that look great on stage or in pictures, giving the masses a “highlight reel” of this family. Desperate parents latch on to this because they want the “results”. This seems far easier to them than studying the scripture for themselves because it is all written down for them in a 1 2 3 formula.
Thinking about the whole umbrella thing, what are we supposed to do with Timothy? We hear nothing of his father, but his mother Lois and grandmother Eunice were so spiritually significant in his life to be singled out by name in the bible. Were they under the umbrella of Satin? I would guess not. And while we are on the subject, can someone give me a good example of a father in the bible from a Gothard perspective?
Great questions, sheep! And I agree about the Gothard followers. In fact, I’d take it further than that. I think we’re instinctively drawn to legalism because we want guarantees. But there aren’t guarantees in life. And if there were we wouldn’t need the Spirit! If you honestly could just follow a bunch of rules and get the desired result, you wouldn’t need to pray, you wouldn’t need to trust, you wouldn’t need God. But life is messy, and so we do need God, and He created it that way. We’re too complicated to be broken down to rules. I’m writing a week on this soon (don’t know when yet!) but it will be all about how we flock to legalism in different areas of our lives.
You are absolutely right. Legalism is so attractive, especially to immature believers. It is so easy to say just give me a list of rules and when I do it, (and force my kids to do it) everything will turn out just like i imagine it should. But I believe we are now seeing the “fruit” of that legalistic indoctrination. There are just as many broken homes (but still putting on a show for everyone else) there are just as many kids that reject Christ when they get older. There is just as much abuse (maybe more when you factor in legalistic spiritual abuse). These homes haven’t turned out any better than the rest of christian homes.
And what I have noticed is the high rate of children that were raised in these “do it our way” christian homes, that when they grow up and become adults, they reject the way they were raised in favor of a more “grace filled” approach to marriage and parenting.
Part of that is due to personal experience and growth, and part of it is is the unmasking of the personalities (Gothard,Phillips) behind the movements.
Hi Sheila,
Thank you for sharing your Teen Missions experience….it sounds rough but also (in many ways) what I expected. I served as a team member for 6 years (starting at 12) and six years as a leader. My first team wasn’t until 1993 so the organization had undergone many growing pains between the years you served and my first year. They definitely modified the program by the time I went, most likely due to litigation or the threat thereof.
They can only impose an 8hr work day and my leaders were not able to read my letters home. I had a variety of good and bad leaders over the years but most of them we’re volunteers so it’s hard to pin all the poor choices and behavior on TMI. My personal experience was that they simply didn’t invite the leader back if they got bad reviews from fellow leaders and team members.
What they also did when I was a member was make you and your parents sign an agreement form to work if you signed up for a work team (so you knew what you were getting into) as opposed to an evangelism team. I did one EV team and found I had too much down time. I liked the work teams because I liked the challenge.
I found the third world experience invaluable for my young developing self and over the 12 years volunteering rarely felt unsafe (a much as one can feel safe in another country foreign to their own….it goes with the territory and it’s not for everyone).
The years I lead were tremendous and because of the shortage of male volunteers I rarely had to work as a cook leader. I was not a conventional leader in that I was less religious and more personal with my team members (you are right on about the legalism with team missions and their teaching, that material hasn’t changed since then 70’s and it’s is out of date and touch….I modified the lessons as a leader).
I haven’t lead a team since 2010 and the teams are considerably smaller because (in my opinion) of how culturally out of touch they are with their youth. They are seemingly resistant to admit it’s not because the youth are distracted away from God but that they themselves are distracted from knowing their volunteers.
All in all I found my experience with Teen Missions to be one of the most influential times in my life’s that both challenged and built me like nothing else. It wasn’t without it’s faults and set backs, but it taught me to improvise, adapt and overcome at a very young age and I am eternally grateful for the opportunity.
Privately to you, Sheila, I’m sorry I missed the chance to chime in on the natural childbirth debate, though I understand exactly why you had to shut it down.
I burst out laughing at the part about “you might as well stop buying food and plant a garden”! 😂 I’m a natural childbirth advocate, and by chance I also have a garden!😂 And the rabbits and bugs eat more of it than I do, so the soil-toiling is no joke either!
I sought natural childbirth with all 3 of my children and got epidurals only when I was being prepped for my two C-sections. THIS WAS NOT A THEOLOGICAL DECISION!! And since men don’t experience childbirth firsthand, it sounds especially sour coming from men in the mechanized labor age to reject medical relief for a pain they know they will never experience. I believe you are right that such teaching basically tells new female believers “God hasn’t forgiven you. You still need to be punished for your sin, and you still need a man to tell you what to do!”
Thank you so much for putting a grace-filled Biblical voice out there to point people not just to the truth, but to The Truth!
I do believe that God put my husband as the head of the home. I believe he is to follow Christ as the leader of our home. If he ask me to do something contrary to the Word of God, I am to obey God not my husband.
I do not believe I am never to question him. I don’t believe I am to follow him blindly. I do not believe I am to never call him out if I see he is getting totally off track.
As a Christian I have to have my own personal walk with God. I am to have my own personal relationship with Christ. My Salvation is through Christ and Christ alone. I serve God beside my husband, not under him.
Open communication is key in to a healthy, striving marriage. If you can’t talk to your husband openly and you can’t share your thoughts and fears with him, then you need to check the health of your marriage.
I had God giving me the feeling that something wasn’t right. I found my husband using chewing tobacco. He lied over and over again. I became a “mom” and finally got him to get rid of it. Not ever knowing that with the still nagging feeling something was wrong that just last night he told me about the affairs with two different women for years. He’s right with God now but it made me mad that I had to be the Holy Spirit to get him to get back to God and that he didn’t do that himself.