How do you ask your husband for help when you need it?
Most of the questions I get on this blog are something like this: “My husband is doing X wrong, and I don’t know what to do about it. How can I get him to act differently?” Maybe it’s that she caught him using porn, and she has taken screenshots and saved them and done everything except talk to him about it.
Or he doesn’t understand that foreplay is important and she finds sex unsatisfying.
Or when he comes to bed he’s stinky and that makes her not want to make love.
Or he needs to lose weight but she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, so how does she show him?
This week we’re talking about how to show love to your husband, and one of the big ways we can do that is by being upfront, rather than manipulative. A while back I wrote this article on how to ask your husband for help, and I’m going to rerun it today because I think it’s important.
There Is No Magic Bullet When You Need to Ask for Help
Women writing me want to know–what can I do to make my husband see this issue from my perspective?
And they want to know specific actions they can take that can win him over to their point of view. There must be something they’re just doing wrong if he doesn’t understand something so obvious, right? So how can she change what she’s doing, or hint, or make him see it from her perspective?
How to Ask For What You Want
When you probe many of my questioners, though, you often find that the real issue is that she’s never talked to him about it. She’s stewed about it and she’s beaten around the bush and she’s hinted and sighed and given meaningful looks, but it hasn’t worked. But what she’s never done is just asked for what she wants openly and honestly.
In my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I share some wisdom that you my readers gave me on my Facebook Page. I asked a while back, “did you ever get annoyed at your husband for something, but then realized that you’d never actually asked him to help?”
Some of my readers shared their stories. Lynn said,
Early in our marriage, I hinted several times that it would be nice if the clean dishes got put away. Finally I got mad at my husband and we argued about it. He told me, “Just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.” I thought it was too rude to order him around, but that’s the way he wanted. Then we were visiting his mom, and she was hinting at something he should do. When she left the room, I told him, “Your mom wants you to do this.” He balked and said, “No way. I lived with my mom much longer than you, and I’d know.” When she came back, he asked her straight out and she said, “Yes, of course. What took you so long?”
I thought it was too rude to order him around. We often don’t ask because we fear it’s demeaning, and yet most men would far rather be asked than hinted at. In asking directly we treat our husbands like grown-ups. They can choose to refuse, but at least they know what we want. Hinting is like asking them to read minds, which is disrespectful.
That idea of having to ask for help, though, grated on my reader Lindsey. “I shouldn’t have to ask!” she told herself. “He can see the mess!” Then one day during an argument, her husband grew quiet and said, “Baby, I just don’t see the mess the way you do. I’m just not as good as you are at juggling the house, chores, and bills. I don’t multitask like you do. I’m sorry.” Ever since then, Lindsey has learned to ask—and not to ask for a thousand things at once either!
So try asking–up front. Even if it’s hard. Even if it has to do with sex. Even if it’s something we’re uncomfortable talking about.
Many wives don't want to ask their husbands for help because it would feel rude. But beating around the bush, expecting men to read minds, or being passive aggressive is far worse. Just ask! That's the loving way to do it.Click To TweetWe Need to Be Honest
A committee I’ve been on recently can be roughly divided into three factions: The Group A Faction, the Group B faction, and the faction that doesn’t really get what’s going on and doesn’t really care. The Group B faction has always done things a certain way, but the Group A faction now has more power and wants to change things. So here’s the question: Can we change things in a way that doesn’t actually require confrontation with Group B? Is there a way that we can just enact new rules without Group B realizing what we’re doing or realizing why we’re doing it? Because we’d sure like to avoid all the messiness!
Sometimes you need messiness. Sometimes mess is unavoidable. By trying to avoid saying something outright you often cause more problems. In politics, the issue is not the sin but the coverup. In real life it’s true too–the issue is not always the sin, but rather how far we go trying to avoid talking about something and dealing with it. If we had just said something in the beginning, even though it’s awkward, we would have been better off.
Interestingly, I think secular circles are better at this than Christian circles. In the work world people often confront openly and immediately because you have to. In Christian circles we’re too interested in being nice and showing love and grace (though we often use that as a cop out to actually confront people)–and in so doing we often sacrifice honesty and forthrightness. We end up looking manipulative or secretive, even if that wasn’t our intention.
Manipulation To Get What You Want Doesn’t Work
Doing something with the express purpose of getting someone to change is manipulative. It is better just to ask.
But wait–aren’t we supposed to be nice to people? And if we’re nice to people, aren’t they more likely to be nice to us?
Absolutely. But your motives matter here. If you are being nice simply because you want them to be nice back, then you’re being manipulative and you’re likely going to be very disappointed. But if you’re acting in a loving way because it’s the right thing to do, then your heart is now in the right place. You’re more emotionally ready to deal with problems. You’re building a friendship so that you have a foundation of goodwill in your relationship, and that does make it easier to tackle problems. But that’s not the reason you’re doing it.
Not Everything is a Nail–It Can’t Be Solved by Being Nice
But there’s a caveat to all of this. You’ve heard the expression, “when everything looks like a nail, the hammer is only the tool you use?” Well, I think often in Christian circles we think that the answer to everything is just to be nicer.
I received an email this morning, for instance, by a woman whose brother-in-law is verbally abusive to his wife in public. The sister and brother-in-law are living under the same roof but they are separated, and he is threatening a divorce. He is mean, he is angry, he insults the whole family, and everybody in their church knows it. But the woman says,
I love on and encourage my SIL as best as I can. When I am around my BIL I try to be loving and kind to him too. But it’s getting to the point that I feel he is emotionally (maybe even verbally) abusing her and it needs to stop.
So he is being verbally abusive, and they are trying to deal with it by loving on him and being kind to him. If we’re loving and kind, he will change, right?
Nope. Being nicer to someone who is mean and manipulative just enables them and encourages them to do it more. They feed off of that. Many marriage problems need you to be nicer and more giving, but many do not. In this case, what this woman needs to do is stand up to her husband and say, “I see that you are angry, and I’d be happy to talk to you when you’re calmed down. But I will not stay in a room with you while you say horrible things to me–” and then get up and leave. And the sister-in-law and rest of the family need to say to him, “You are being completely inappropriate and it will not be tolerated.” Treat him like an adult bully and call him on it.
What I have seen lately is that the vast majority of interpersonal problems, whether they’re in marriage, in the family, or at work, really need an open, honest, and hard conversation. But that’s often the last thing we want to do, because dealing with conflict openly seems so scary. Instead, we search for ways to get around it and beat around the bush and manipulate, and that usually makes things worse.
The vast majority of interpersonal problems really need an open, honest, and hard conversation. But that seems so scary. Instead, we search for ways to beat around the bush. That's manipulate, and that usually makes things worse.Click To Tweet
If this is an issue that you need help with in your marriage, check out my book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. This topic is covered in thought number 4, but the book tackles it in more detail with some great action steps to help you change the dynamic in your marriage.
If your marriage is in a communication rut, it’s time for some change.
So take a deep breath, pray, and then open up your mouth. That’s often the only real solution anyway.
Do you find it hard to be open and honest? What holds you back? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
So true!! Being open and honest about what we want or need from our husbands is so important. One thing I have learned over the years is that it often not what I say, but how I say it. Our husbands want to do things for us and the easy way to get then to do that is to just ask.
Yes, and I totally agree about HOW we ask.
Here’s something interesting that I talked about in my book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum. We women don’t like to ask things, so we often justify it. We’ll say to a friend, “Can you baby-sit Johnny for me on Wednesday morning? I’m so sorry to have to ask, but I have a doctor’s appointment and they want to send me for an X-ray, and I just can’t keep him still or supervise him. Last time I tried to take him with me and it was a nightmare. I know you’re super busy too, but is there any way you can squeeze it in?”
So we do the same thing with our husbands, “Can you help me with dinner? I want to get it on the table soon and Johny has to get to karate, but little Cindy is just pulling at my leg and it’s too hard. Could you just take Cindy for me, or set the table or something? I just don’t know how I can get this all done otherwise.”
But men don’t do that. Men say, “Hey, I need some help with dinner. Can you come help?” So if they hear all of these REASONS you want help, they’ll hear them as perceived guilt trips. “Why are you still sitting on the couch when I am up here trying to make dinner for the family, and YOUR child is pulling at my leg? Why haven’t you gotten up already and helped me?”
It’s so much better just to say, “Hey, I need some help with dinner. Wanna help?” That’s it. No justifying! It actually is a much better dynamic.
Communication is key! They can’t read our minds! In the end you get the relationship you tolerate. ❤️
Check out my blog at Superfruitful.com!
Blessings, Jennifer Lacey
Recently Grace and I uncovered an issue in our marriage. She likes to walk through the house and make what I call “General Announcements” I have gotten a ton better with this taking an active approach when I can. Example: THE DISHES NEED TO BE DONE. I can handle that. Grace happens to do the checkbook in our house. A few weeks ago she walked through the house and said “WE NEED TO MEET TO TALK ABOUT FINANCES FOR THE UPCOMING WEEK.” I said ok. The weekend went by and it never happened. Then we got into an argument about whos fault it was that we didn’t meet. In this case I said hey wait a minute. While the finances are important why can’t you take an active role in saying HEY CAN WE MEET AT 8pm Saturday night to discuss this? She does do the checkbook. Why is it always my responsibility? Out of this has come some joking on my part. When she does the general announcement thing I hold up my hand to my mouth and say GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT and everyone including the kids laugh. It is helpful because she rephrases it more direct. Also, we now meet every Sunday morning to briefly discuss the finances. These days I actually prob do more dishes than she does..which is ironic because I was the guy who would say “Why can’t they just sit there for 3 days and then I will do it after they all pile up? But I found out she was right. 1. it only takes 2 minutes to do a few dishes 2. It looks better 3. You don’t have to commit a half hour after they pile up. 2 weeks ago I actually told her she was right! Being able to humble myself and let her be right (because she is) those little things help ease tensions on other topics when she sees that you value her methods and actually can admit she was right after 20 years. With regard to the sex, I think this same thing applies. So my wife does not initiate sex much. She has given plenty trust me. But initiation has been limited over the years. She tells me she has no desires and it’s just not her. The history tells me there is truth in this but yet how can you have no desires? I don’t believe it is low libido but rather being afraid to ask for what she wants. I stuffed her on many things in our marriage for most of our 18 years. I think this is transfering to our sex life as well. What I am getting at is it seems that if you work on the “safer” things such as dishes and money(which is not so safe sometimes) then when you get in the bedroom it just might become safer over time and she will open up. Seems that way to me anyway. Have great day all.
I think you’re really on to something, Phil. The more we can easily handle the smaller things, the easier it becomes to handle the more emotionally-laden ones.
And I love that General Announcement thing. I know I’ve been guilty of it, too, and the kids and Keith have gotten better at calling me on it.
I actually made a speech about this at my sister’s wedding. I told them to talk about all the little things. The fun things most, like shared tv shows or hobbies.
And then the easy maintanance stuff like chores and home repairs and schoolwork for the kids and bills.
I would put intimacy issues inn the middle of easy life and the really really hard life. I know sexlessness is really hard to deal with, but if you can’t talk about those things, the really hard stuff is almost impossible to talk about. Like major illnesses. Elder care. Major money issues like job loss or debt.
I say when I speak, “when you lose the ability to talk about the little things, you lose the ability to talk about the big things.” It’s so true!
Haha, oh Phil, the general announcements. I get so annoyed about those but I know I do the EXACT. SAME. THING. to my husband and I need to stop. I am always telling him that I want to be directly asked for help so you’d think I could give him the same courtesy. I was just thinking about that earlier today so your comment really struck me!
Just a random thought – I wonder if women tend to do the general announcement thing because we are calling out an area that we would like our husbands to ‘take the lead’ on? For instance, we see an issue/something that needs to be done that we feel we don’t have the time/mental/emotional space for (eg the dishes), so we announce it rather than ask our husbands – maybe that is us looking to be submissive to our husbands, rather than asking them to be submissive to us, by doing what we ask them to. Perhaps husbands who face such an issue with their wives would be better off viewing this as an area they can show their leadership in, for example (using Phil’s example) when the wife says ‘we need to talk about finances’, the husband could say ‘how about we have a meeting about finances at 8pm on Saturday?’ And then takes responsibility to actually make sure that meeting happens! Even though finances is not his area of responsibility in the marriage, leading IS his responsibility in the marriage overall.
Anyway, just some thoughts that maybe when women do this, it might actually be communicating in a way that God designed them!
I love this “random thought,” E! My husband is incredibly passive, and I am a bit of a powerhouse, so when we got married, I thought the best way of dealing with these issues was to tell him directly when I wanted something or when something needed to get done, but I think over time it has become rather emasculating. I love your/Phil’s idea of her mentioning that something needs to get done, and him taking the final follow-through initiative on timing. That’s much better than saying “Hey we need to do the budget this weekend, so sit down while I talk at you for 18 minutes!” Thanks for the idea!!
I have found this blog so helpful!
Sheila, could you write more about these kinds of issues- (phil’s michelle’s E’s) like where I keep waiting and waiting for my husband to take initiative with something. We’ve talked about it multiple times and he maybe improves once but then I’m back to waiting again. now what? He’s super smart and capable in many ways, but this is so frustrating to me. I don’t want to nag. It was one thing when it was two of us but now we have four kids and there are just lots of things to keep up with.
2 things that help me communicate with my hubby. 1-i keep a honey do list on the fridge. It has a list of household things that I see need done. If he can do some, he does. Then I don’t feel like I’m nagging him about them.
2- if there’s something I want, I hint to him. I say- “This is a hint, aren’t those flowers pretty? They would look great on our table at home.”. Or “this is a hint, I’m going to bed early so we have more time to do whatever we decide to do in bed”. My hubby loves hints because I’m telling him what I want, but I’m leaving it up to him.
I love that “this is a hint” thing. That way we don’t feel like we’re being rude, but we’re sending him the signal–“you really need to listen to this!”
This is to build off the submission conversation we just had on Facebook and also what E said above. I think in ultra conservative cultures that put a huge emphasis on submission, women feel like they aren’t allowed to ask their husbands to do something because it’s the wife who is supposed to be the helpmate. If asking for help feels like being disrespectful, it’s no wonder women resort to hints or being downright passive aggressive when asking, but it’s not doing either spouse any favors!
This is such an important point, Kay! (And that discussion on Facebook was really interesting. I’m only now just realizing you’re the same person as was over there! Ha!). I’m going to build on this in my next book I think. Because women think they must be submissive, the only way we have to deal with things if we want change in the marriage is to be manipulative or passive aggressive. It’s very unhealthy emotionally.
And, as I always say, perhaps we should understand that submission doesn’t mean what we think it means? 🙂
Please stop saying submission doesn’t mean what we all think it means. The definition is settled in Greek, Hebrew and English. Everyone agrees on the definition, including those who believe in mutual submission. Even the enemies of God agree on the definition.
Please stop twisting the Word of God to fit your rebellion and lack of faith in our Lord.
That’s actually not true, though. Some people believe that submission means that one person makes all the decisions (a definition, by the way, that doesn’t make sense in light of Ephesians 5:21). Other people believe that it means something more akin to Philippians 2 where Jesus is our example of humility, pouring Himself out for others, and where Paul asks us to think of others’ interests before our own. Those are two very different definitions, and lead to two very different marriages.
And the distinction is a very important one. It’s good to note as well that Paul told us to submit to worldly authorities, but then he himself went against those authorities when they told him to stop preaching. Or, as Peter said, “we must obey God rather than man.” Submission, then, does not mean obedience but instead an attitude of humility and looking out for others.
May the Lord have mercy on your soul for the continual way you lead thousands astray and put stumbling blocks to their faith in front of them due to your lack of faith in God and His Word.
Why do you interpret scripture through one sentence when the whole of scripture goes against it? The OT, the NT, Jesus, Paul, Peter- none are in agreement with you. Why must you be equal with men in authority to have value in God’s eyes? Do you think men don’t think God loves them when they are not born kings, govenors and CEO’s.
You’ve changed the Bible and lead others astray, destroying the church daily, simply because you cannot believe God loves you because of a woman’s authority on earth. I pray for those who read you their eyes would be opened to your deceitfulness and I rebuke you in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
Ummm….You’re the one who is relying on one verse in Ephesians, rather than the whole of Scripture. So let’s talk about Scripture.
Zipporah reprimanded her husband and rescued him from God’s wrath.
Esther reprimanded her husband and saved a nation.
Deborah led Israel.
Abraham was told to listen to Sarah and obey her (at a different time than she was told to obey him).
The Greek word for head in scripture, as in man is “head” of the wife, is kephale, not archon. Archon is the Greek word for head when authority is intended to be conveyed (as in head of the army). It is used in other parts of Scripture to denote this meaning. Kephale does not have this meaning.
But let’s back up even further. What is God’s will for us? Is it not that we are transformed into the likeness of His Son (Romans 8:29)? Is it not that we resemble Jesus and live for Him? Why, then, should a wife’s primarily focus be obeying a husband? Does that not make a husband into an idol? Why not instead focus on serving the husband and putting his interests first and loving him? Does that not sound more like Philippians 2?
It is not me who is taking Scripture out of context. I am using the whole of the Bible. When we see Jesus, what do you think he will say? Will he say, “Did you do everything your husband told you to do?” Or will he say, “Did you love your husband as I wanted you to? Did you serve him? Did you let him see Jesus in you? Did you spur him on to love and good deeds, even when this was difficult?” I think the latter sounds much more like Jesus to me.
@Question asker. Equal and interchangeable are not the same thing. I find the Trinity to be the best picture of biblical and marital submission. Each member of the Trinity has a dinstinct role that is not interchangeable with any other member of the Godhead, and yet they are unified and submit to will of the Father. They are all EQUAL in glory and in power and they are all EQUALLY God, yet the Son submits to the Father. What does it mean for Jesus to submit to the Father if not work together for the same purpose in His unique role? To work in Unity while remaining distinct. So it ought to be in marriage: two people working together to bring about God’s purpose in each other’s lives in their distinct roles.
Sorry for the code name. 😉 I work in publishing too and I don’t know if Chip or any other members of your publishing team ever stop by your site, but there are some things my editors don’t need to know!
I’ve gotten much better about this by catching myself every time I hear myself think, “He should know…” Because I am right, he *should* know, so I *should* go tell him! The “should” is on me.
Here is how NOT to learn the lesson in this post:
When I was massively pregnant with our third baby, I was having a very hard time getting the big girls to cooperate during bedtime. Hubby was sitting on the couch watching TV, while I was getting angrier and angrier because he wasn’t getting up to help me. So finally I exploded, “Get off your butt”—I didn’t say butt—“and help me! Can’t you see I need help?!” He responded with his tail between his legs, “Okay, Okay! I didn’t want you to get mad at me by assuming I thought you couldn’t handle it! All you have to do is ask.” Oh. Oops. I’m a jerk.
Definitely a gender difference thing there, I think. Kind of like how when we ask, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Our girlfriends automatically know to respond with, “No! You look amazing!” But our husbands don’t speak woman like this. We are much more likely to get the answer we want if we say, “Tell me I look amazing in this dress.” 😆
Use your words. Full sentences. Where on earth did people get the idea that asking for help us bossy?
Now, not asking for help out of pride is one thing (a bad thing). Not asking because you’re afraid of being seen as bossy and then enevidably exploding on your husband when you just can’t take it anymore is another. Which one is better: asking like a sane rational bring, or having a meltdown?
That being said. I need to figure out specific ways my husband can help me keep the house clean. I can’t handle it by myself. And while he does do laundry, waiting until every laundry basket we own in overflowing before he does it causes me quite a bit of stress.
Hey Sheila, im curious what u recommend for the wife who does ask and still doesn’t get help? *hubby is a great hard working man