Do you find that you can’t get in the mood and can’t get mentally ready for sex because you dread it?
For the next few days we’re talking on the blog about how to embrace your sexuality, and I want to start with this reader question from a woman who finds that she dreads sex because she hates her body. She writes:
What do you do when you don’t want to be intimate with your husband because you are ashamed of your body? I struggle with self esteem issues that cripple my ability to be intimate. The thought of what my husband is feeling or seeing takes all sex drive away from me. My body turns me off and I cannot bear to be seen or touched. Our children are 7 and 9 and we both work, the kids are in activities everyday. So between work, school drop off, housework, cooking, shuttling to activities, groceries, etc, I’m exhausted and can barely shower/ shave. I’ve found it very important that I look and feel as sexy as possible in order to feel intimate and I just haven’t been able to make it happen. Spontaneous sex is horrifying – I probably need to shave, touch up makeup, spritz some perfume, and have something other than leggings and a big shirt on. I feel bad turning my husband down for sex but I’m just too embarrassed of what I’ve tuned into. I want to be a fulfilling wife and have a full filling marriage – I want to want sex , but it just isn’t there. I feel he deserves better but I can’t get over this hump of awkwardness and shame over my physical self. Any tips for rediscovering that intimacy and getting over busy issues?
Sometimes I read letters and they really grieve me, because all I can see is how much we women are sabotaging our own happiness. It’s not that we’re doing it deliberately. But we aren’t fighting hard enough for what we know is right and what we know is God’s best for us.
And that’s what it needs to be–a fight.
I don’t mean to be harsh with this woman. I know she’s hurting. But here’s the simple truth: the reason that she is hurting is because she is listening to voices in her head that are wrong, and because she is allowing shame into her life. And nothing, absolutely nothing, can fix that except for her. The answer lies with her.
That’s what the apostle Paul said, too, when he wrote this in 2 Corinthians 10:4-5:
The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
She needs to start treating her self-defeating attitude and her self-defeating actions like a war that she is fighting. When a thought comes into her head that makes sex seem awful or her body seem ugly, she has to fight, because she is in a war, on several fronts:
War #1: She Is Being Told Her Body is Inadequate
First, our culture is at war with her, telling her that she’s too fat and that she’s undesirable, because our culture has made sex only about the body, rather that about intimacy. So you can’t have sex unless you’re a certain size.
But let’s remember why our culture preaches that! As I share in my Girl Talk, the talk I give for women in churches about sex and marriage, God designed sex to be intimate in three ways: physically, spiritually, and emotionally. But when you take sex outside of marriage, the physical is all you have left. That makes “being sexy” far more important than it ever used to be, and leads to really ridiculous standards of beauty, the ones that we see on magazine covers in the checkout lines. When sex is only physical, it becomes very shallow.
Most women who feel inadequate and feel ugly have husbands who would love to see their wives naked more. But the shame that we women feel means that we don’t let our men see us naked. We deprive them of what they want, and we deprive ourselves of the joy that God designed us to take in our physical bodies.
So let me ask you a question: To whom are you giving the power to define your body’s worth? Is it our culture, which has corrupted sex and made it shallow, or is it God, who made you in His image and made sex to be so much more than that?
And if you want to let God define your beauty, then you have to fight the negative self-talk! When you get a thought about how ugly you are, you have to replace it with how God feels about you. You have to fight! God wants you to win this fight, but He doesn’t fight it for you. He asks you to enter the battle.
War #2: She’s Surrendering to Our Culture
There’s another war going on here, though. It’s not just that our culture is defining her beauty; it’s that she’s fighting a mental war with herself about her worth. And she’s surrendering in that war.
Our culture tells her she doesn’t measure up. And so what does she do? She stops showering. She stops shaving. She never puts on makeup. She goes around the house in leggings and a big shirt.
Now, stop it! Ladies, comfort and lack of time is nothing but an excuse. It takes no more time to put on a well-fitting pair of jeans and a nice top as it does to put on leggings and a baggy t-shirt. Lack of time is not the problem. So stop using that as an excuse!
As I showed in my Fight the Frump series, I can get dressed, with makeup on, in under five minutes. That’s it. And I can shower and shave in under 5 minutes, too. There simply are not excuses for this.
The problem is not lack of time. The problem is lack of will. She has surrendered because she is allowing our culture to dictate her worth.
War #3: She’s Not Fighting for Her Priorities
She says that what she wants is a fulfilling marriage and to be a fulfilling wife. But is that true? She has her kids in activities every night. She’s overwhelmed by housework and paid work. And I can guarantee that she’s stressed to the max, which likely means that her kids and her husband are pretty stressed, too. Her family life must be running on max all the time.
So let’s just ask a question.
What would her life look like if she lived out her priorities–if she truly lived out wanting a fulfilling marriage?
- She might cut down on kids’ activities so they could spend more time at home enjoying being a family, and feeling less stress.
- This would likely significantly reduce their expenses (both on kids’ activities and on gas money to chauffeur them everywhere), which may allow them to deal with any debt they may have, or may even allow her or him to cut back on some hours at work
- They could eat dinner more as a family and likely feel more connected, which would reduce the tension level and help her laugh more with her husband
- She could have a conversation with her kids and her husband about sharing the load with housework, so that she wasn’t doing all the housework. That way she’d have more energy for relationship (and even for sex)!
- Because she wasn’t as stressed, she could spend more time in the shower and she would feel better about herself, which would likely result in her choosing clothes that were more flattering.
If your priority is having a great marriage, then make sure how you spend your time and money reflects that!
Let me say this again: the only solution to feeling badly about your body is to stop feeling badly about your body because you tell yourself positive messages AND you start treating yourself well.
We treat ourselves the way we think we deserve. What does she think she’s worth? Nothing. Her kids and her household get all of her attention and time, and she gets nothing. And then, because she feels horrible about that, her husband gets nothing, too.
It comes down to a choice: Do you want our culture to determine how you feel about yourself and what your priorities should be, or do you want to decide for yourself, based on what you know is God’s best?
You’ve got to make that choice. And you’ve got to enter that battle!
And if you want help, I’m here. I created the Boost Your Libido course to help women get out of this rut and stop letting our culture determine how we should feel about ourselves and how we should spend our time.
It’s a 10-video course, with fun assignments, that build on each other so you see an immediate difference! In fact, after just the first video, one woman wrote this to me:
I just watched the first module video… tears flooding down my face – “There is nothing wrong with me!” I want to scream it out loud! Excited and a bit nervous to continue. But determined for my husband, myself and our marriage.
And the course addresses things like body image, busy-ness, and lack of a sex drive. And it gives you a game plan so that you can move ahead and actually start to live out your real priorities.
If what you truly want is a fulfilling sex life and a fulfilling marriage, then do something about it.
I know that’s scary. In many ways it’s easier to stay in the rut, because you’re used to it. You spend so much time worrying about other people that you don’t have time to think about how awful you feel about yourself.
But that is no way to live a life, and it’s certainly not the path to a fulfilling marriage. I think this is. And I hope it helps!
Let me know in the comments: Does bad body image make you dread sex? Do you have a hard time getting mentally ready because of what you feel you need to do first? Let’s talk!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sheila, this article is pure gold! My personal journey has been full or peaks and valleys. I have struggled with low self esteem and self worth, and poor body body image for most of my life. Between harmful messages from the media, lack of notice from the boys at school and nagging negative comments from my mother I was a mess.
Fast forward to my relationship with my husband. I found out he struggled with lust and porn before we married. And at that time in my life I was in the best shape of my life. I was with the guy I knew I was supposed to be with. My self esteem was at an all time high. But after he told me I began to plummet back to the bottom. After we were married I got pregnant 3 months later. To make a long story short, I was very happy to be a mother, but my body image plummeted even more after our daughter was born. My husband continued to struggle with his lust issues which just made matters worse.
But then the truth hit me. God’s truth. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I was His handiwork. I was precious and one of a kind. I was His daughter. I found every Bible verse I could about true beauty, God’s love for us, our worth to Him, and other encouraging verses and I put them up on my mirror.
If I got into great detail, I would end up writing a book. But the simple truth is that my self worth, self esteem and body image never came from the right source. Not even when I was in really good shape because that fell apart when my husband told me about his own issues. And I do believe God brought my husband and I together for very specific reasons. We were both so wounded. So broken down by the lies that the world had beaten into us. But we were both so precious to Him. And when we actually turned to Him and allowed ourselves to be healed, He did what we thought was impossible. I realize now that I had to be broken down completely before He could build me back up. He had to destroy every harmful message I had allowed to define me.
Oh, Samantha, what a great story! I truly believe that the vast majority of problems are caused when we don’t let our thought life line up with Truth. After all, if Jesus is the Truth, then when we start believing things that aren’t true we end up inadvertently turning away from Jesus. When we replace our thoughts with truth, then true healing can begin!
I love that. Thanks for sharing!
You’re welcome and thank YOU Sheila!
Sheila, this line was incredibly powerful for me: “After all if Jesus is the truth, then when we start believing things that are not true we end up inadvertently turning away from Jesus.” I don’t really struggle with body image issues, but there were still aspects of this post that help me with my own issues….especially that line. I had never really thought of it that way but I can see the trutb of the statement and how it sometimes plays out in my life.
Oh, I’m glad it helped you, Jenny!
And I want to be clear. My husband’s sin did not come from God. But God used it for my good. Genesis 50:20 comes to mind. My husband continued to struggle the first 4 years of our marriage, but he finally hit his own bottom where God was able to begin building him back up. I love my husband very much and I am very proud of the man he is today. And we are able to love each other in a way we never have. We have been naked together in more ways than one so to speak. It has been a hard road to walk, but every step had been worth it.
And, yes, I still have an occasional bad day where I have to really work to reject the old lies that used to define me. But they are more like a flaming arrow and less like an atomic bomb.
I apologize for the story, but I really just felt the need to share as many details as possible to emphasize how much work God actually had to do on me. And I had to be WILLING to be worked on. We can be really stubborn pieces of clay sometimes.
Once again, fantastic article Sheila! And filled to the brim with the tough love necessary to reject the damaging messages that we all too often allow to define us.
Yes, I love your qualification there. One of the things I love about Jesus is how He can take the bad things in our lives and bring good out of them–redeem them, so to speak. It’s off topic, but I feel that way about my son’s death, too. In no way was that a GOOD thing. His illness was a result of the Fall, of our broken world. And yet I have seen over the last twenty years how God has used his story for good. In our personal life it brought extended family members back to the church. In my broader life I share his story every time I speak, and it’s very powerful. It’s a way to honour him, too. But it’s so cool how many people have written to me telling me how the story touched them. God can bring good things out of ugliness–even if the ugliness remains ugly, if that makes sense.
Sheila, I understand in more ways than you know. My family has quite an extensive cancer history. And a piece of that history is that I lost one of my sisters to leukemia. I ended up being diagnosed with ovarian cancer when I was 24 and had to have my left ovary and tube removed. When my husband and I are done having children I will be getting a full hysterectomy. All of those things have really changed the way I view life, family, womanhood, and my children. Cancer is an ugly thing. But my family has the peace of knowing that my sister is with Jesus. We appreciate each other more because we have gone through loss together. And while I worry about my cancer coming back, it does not control my life because my life is in God’s hands where it belongs. I appreciate my pregnancies and my children more because I could have lost my ability to have any children naturally. There is a lot of ugly in this broken world, but God and Christ truly are beautiful and good. And their beauty and goodness can be found wherever they are and in any grief that we invite them into. And I really do believe that was the truth that helped me to heal from my husband’s betrayals as well. Because I already knew how to look for the beauty and goodness.
Sheila, thank you for sharing your son’s story. It has always touched me, but even more so now that I have suffered a miscarriage (in January). I know it isn’t the same as what you have gone through, but it was still is very helpful to me and I want to take the opportunity to thank you for being so open. God Bless you.
Oh, Samantha, I can’t imagine losing a sister! I mean, I’ve never had one, but when I think about my girls’ relationship…
…I guess there’s just a lot of pain in the world, which is all the more reason that we have to get our minds centered on Truth, which is also centred in eternity. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18:
So hard to live out; such a blessing and a truth when we can!
I’m sorry about your miscarriage. It’s weird on this side of things, knowing that my girls will likely be getting pregnant in the next few years, and praying for them. It happens to so many of us, and the pain is so real.
Exactly, Sheila! And those verses are perfect! Thank you so very much for your kind words and understanding. And I’ll be praying for you your girls as they enter into that chapter of their lives!
Samantha, your story has reached me exactly where I am today. I thank God for using you to tell me what I needed to hear. Thank you so much
I really don’t understand why women do this to themselves. She wants to have a fulfilled husband and be a good wife to him yet somehow withholding sex because of how she feels about herself and projecting onto her husband will help that? My wife has a weight problem and my ears perk up whenever she mentions she’s going to take a shower. To me, she is the most beautiful woman in the world and it kills me that I don’t get to see her body as much as I would like.
Also, if she pushes this image of herself onto her husband, that he doesn’t like what he sees, she’s implicitly telling him that he’s a liar. Is that really the way? Women! Please realize this! Your husband cares more about the passion you bring to the bedroom than the body that you bring to the bedroom. He would rather have a “Plain Jane” who was madly into him than a supermodel who couldn’t care less.
Thanks for posting this, Nick. I think a lot of women need to hear it!
Sheila. I have done my own informal research. I started a poll in a Christian mens’ group I have on Facebook and in J. Parker’s group as well on there asking which someone would rather have? Would they rather the awesome body or the awesome passion?
So far in both polls, not a single vote for body has come in. Not a one. Everyone wants passion.
Yep. I totally agree. And you don’t need a perfect body for passion! (And, in fact, in the surveys I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, younger women had far LESS passion than those in their 40s, when things droop and grow and all kinds of things). It’s intimacy and passion that bring a great sex life, not the perfect young body!
I know someone from Shaunti’s ministry so I’ve contacted them as well, but I’m not surprised. It’s saddening though to think that women have got the absolute opposite message.
I hope you tell your wife what you just stated and repeat it to her often. Men can be very helpful to women in this situation by encouraging their wives and keeping their eyes where they belong.
Every single day Rachel. Every single day. I don’t post on Facebook on Sundays, but on every other day, I post a marriage meme and a brief message of love to my wife that everyone can see because I want everyone to know how much I love my wife. I still pull out chairs for her and I still open the car door for her and if anyone dares to hurt her God have mercy on them because I sure won’t.
The very short answer to your question, Nick, is yes, I think he’s a liar. With 70% of guys involved with porn in some fashion, with a church culture that tells men that they need sex, they have a right to sex because hey! they got married, with blog after blog and book after book WRITTEN FOR CHRISTIANS telling women that they need to tart it up for their man (of course couched in much more friendly, spiritual terms) why wouldn’t we all think you’re liars? Western Christianity seems to be utterly consumed with our sexual behavior, completely disapproving of any sexual behavior outside of marriage, and completely disapproving of any lack of sexual behavior inside of marriage, so the standards seem incredibly rigid, and yet he’s gotta have him some sex and he’s got one partner he’s allowed to do it with…So yeah, I’m pretty sure he’d lie his butt off to get SOMETHING. Tell me I’m wrong and guys never do this?
Anna, there is some truth in what you say, but it is not inevitable. Husbands can and should train their desire. It is because of constant interaction with porn that men’s minds are trained to reject reality. Porn induces coveting. This can and should be reversed. Husband’s need to see this for what it is ā wife abuse.
Anna. The problem is, do you have any evidence your husband is lying? If you say, “But all these other guys are lying!” well guess what? You’ve said your husband is just like everyone else. If so, why did you marry him? Wasn’t he different from everyone else?
It’s my belief that the great mistake people make before marriage is having sex. The great mistake after marriage is not having sex. Paul said that both persons have a right to one another in marriage and it’s not to be withheld except for by mutual consent and even then for a short time so we won’t be tempted.
I gotta side with Paul.
Ok Nick, I know that my husband loves me and desires me and my body. At the same time, he has told me I’m ‘too fat’, ‘that outfit looks hideous’, ‘your boobs are sagging’, ‘too loose’ and a lot of other things…sometimes in moments of anger, sometimes just off hand comments. When he uses porn, it is always looking at someone COMPLETELY different to me (he says he likes the variety). He is not aChristian, and doesn’t feel convicted that porn is wrong.
But, despite all that, I do know that he loves me and desires me. But I also know that he is a broken man, a sinner, just like the rest of us. And so I am choosing not to base my sexual worth (or any other type of worth) on what my husband says. I am sure there are a lot of other women out there who are in a similar boat to me. THAT is why I am against the message of ‘listen to your husband, not ‘the culture”. Listen to your husband, sure, in as far as what he says is in line with Gods Word. Other than that LISTEN TO GOD.
E. I have no problem with that. You do have some counter-evidence. He has said a number of negative things to you that ought never be said.
But if you want to know if he finds you beautiful, you do have to listen to him. This isn’t about what a woman is, though that is important, but what they think their husbands think.
You know, if you’ve had a significant involvement with porn, you just may have forfeited your right to be believed. Call me cynical, but three decades of being married to an addict has taught me…addicts lie. They’re very good at it.
Anna, I’m so sorry for your pain. I may take your first comment and use it as the basis of a post sometime soon, because I think it does speak to what a lot of women go through and feel. I certainly felt that way when I first married, and I think it was the root of so many of my issues.
I do think that men and women experience a man’s porn addiction so differently. A guy can truly compartmentalize it and believe that it has nothing to do with his wife, and that he still finds her attractive. A woman can never see it that way. I hope that men can hear what women are saying about this. It may seem harmless; it may seem like it can’t hurt your wife, because you’re not diminishing her and you still want her; but she will experience it as cheating and rejection. She just will. And it will seriously damage a part of her. So sad.
Anna. If he is involved with porn, which I had not heard he was until now, then skepticism is allowable. He is treating women like just bodies. If he’s not though, and sadly it looks like he is from what you’ve said, then one has to ask upon what basis is a woman skeptical? Too often too many women are skeptical because their husband is a man. (Did they not know that when they married him?) Porn is one case where I tell women they can make ultimatums with their husband. Zero tolerance for it.
Look, I understand that *most* men do just want their wives keen in bed, but let’s not pretend that a LOT of men arent also affected by society’s standards of sexy. Surely it is perfectly understandable for a woman to be self conscious about her body when there is judgement coming from her husband, whether that is in the form of a struggle with porn (because no matter how many times a woman hears that it’s nothing to do with her, it still FEELS like it is), or an offhand comment about her body/someone else’s body. For someone who is already struggling with self esteem issues, just one wrong comment can derail a whole lot of right ones!
I am starting to become a passionate advocate in wives (and women in general) understanding their worth/beauty/heck even sexiness based on how God sees them. I actually think the message to ‘believe your husband’ can be detrimental to a lot of women, simply because their husbands are sinners, and so we can’t guarantee that they won’t at some point give their wives the wrong message when it comes to their value.
Yes, E, I can see that. When you’re married to a man who uses porn, or who comments on other women, then the last thing you want is to hear what he thinks of you, because (a) you won’t believe it; and (b) he’s super warped anyway. It might even seem like he’s objectifying you!
I agree, we have to get our worth in God. I do think that in other circumstances God can use our husbands as real healers in our marriage and for our self-confidence, but in a marriage marred by porn it’s totally different. I do hope that your husband overcomes this. That’s terrible.
Thanks Sheila. I feel as though I have now painted hubby in a really bad light, while I still look all bright and shiny. As you probably know from my many previous comments on your blog, I am so far from ‘without sexual sin’ as the east is from the west! So I just wanted to add in that I am not actually blaming my husband for the hurtful comments/actions,because he actually doesn’t know any better. He does not know Jesus, and so he has fallen into the ‘but it’s normal, everybody does it, it’s not doing any harm’ trap that our current culture is full of.
Thank you so much for your ministry, your words are definitely one of the tools God is using to refine me and our marriage. Thank you.
I’m so glad they can hep you, E! I really am.
I canāt believe I am considering posting this publicly…
My issue isnāt body image, but my body betraying me. I have digestive struggles that cause me to be bloated and gassy often. Every time we are intimate, the fear of my body betraying me causes me to be very tense. Itās so hard to even say yes to my husband. Doctors know nothing about treating digestive issues properly, and at this point I canāt afford a naturopath. So I feel pretty stuck.
I get it, Stacey. I do. I did have one other woman talking about this a lot once, and she tried the GAPS diet which helped a lot. Basically you eliminate everything and slowly introduce stuff at a specific timetable, to see what triggers you. It also helped a lot with her acne! For her, it was tomatoes/peppers/eggplant and that family of vegetables which she couldn’t go near anymore (and she loved peppers, so that was hard. She put them in everything!). But finding that out helped. You’ve likely already tried all that, but I thought I’d mention it just because the woman talked so much like you!
To Stacey,
I have started using Plexus products to help with digestion and heal my gut naturally with probiotics. I am definitely not an expert but I am seeing great results and know several others who are as well. I highly recommend giving Plexus a try!
I feel like I’m commenting a lot lately- seems every post speaks to part of my journey lately.
Poor body image- there can be another cause- abuse. I struggled with body image and my husband tried so much to help me combat that with positive statements. But they didn’t work. If anything- I felt worse. Because my issue wasn’t media or culture – it was a symptom of sexual abuse. And that can’t be healed by positive statements. It can only be healed by God. There is a whole chapter on body image in the book “Rid of my disgrace” about healing from sexual abuse. And in a chapter that I prayerfully and through tears read, God transformed my heart in this matter. I’m still 50 pounds overweight with a body that shows that I’ve not taken good care of it. But I don’t see the negatives now- I see that I’m a daughter of God. I didn’t try to be attractive because I didn’t want to call attention to myself to bring on abuse (and I found out in the book that I’m not alone in that- it’s so validativing to know you are not crazy). Now I’m taking those fears to God when they arise. I purged from my bedroom any item of clothing that I didn’t feel attractive wearing. The practical is easy when the Holy Spirit fights the spiritual for you. And He wants to fight for you because you are precious and beautiful!
Oh, I love that! Thanks so much for adding your voice. Such an important perspective. I love how a book can minister to you so much, too. Did you see a counsellor as well?
Yes- I saw a Christian counselor who specialized in EMDR therapy. God really met me in that counseling room. This book has been pealing back another layer and helping me find even more freedom from the past in my thought process and in our marriage.
That’s wonderful, Gwen! Truly wonderful
I know I have already written a story but, ladies, low self-esteem does not just come out of the blue because of one or even a few isolated events. You know, like having a baby. It is normal to have to adjust to body changes and to feel a little self-conscious until you adjust. But if your self-esteem takes a nosedive and explodes in a fiery crash, then the pregnancy didn’t cause your low self esteem. It was just the last straw.
I really encourage anyone who struggles with self-worth, self-esteem, body image and whatever else to really explore their past and really begin to piece together their story and their journey with those issues. For example, I remember the first time I ever felt fat. A “friend” of mine in 3rd grade said I had a “fat roll” when I SAT DOWN. I also remember getting weighed by the nurse in 4th grade and hearing other girls talking about their weight and realizing that I weighed more than them. I got my period a year later and realize now that my body was probably simply going through changes that their’s weren’t yet. I was not overweight. In 5th grade a “friend” told me that I would be pretty if I had a different nose. And a big one for me was the fact that no guys asked me to dance at the one school dance I went to in high school. These are the kind of wounds we dismiss because they happened a long time ago, or because we have written them off as silly things kids say to each other. But in reality, they are the very materials that the current image we have of ourselves is made of. And they are crappy materials that need to be taken out and replaced with God’s good materials.
One last thought. Any self-esteem that is not rooted in God and Christ is low, bad, and worthless self-esteem. It will eventually fall apart just like your body will eventually fall apart. If God and Christ are the source of my worth then I don’t need to fear body changes, being naked in front of my husband, age, death or anything else. Sure I may fret over them from time to time, but they don’t have the power I used to give them. God and Christ have that power now.
Gah! I just want to shout it from the rooftops: sex is NOT just physical! I feel like most men get this better than women, ironically enough. Itās not only about the sex; itās about connecting with your spouse THROUGH sex. If you canāt connect with your spouse without a ton of primping, are you TRULY connecting with him at all? Or just trying to hide what you donāt like so he doesnāt see āyouā at all?
Hereās the picture: āJust a minute, dear, I have to shave. Not yet, dear! Still doing my makeup! I swear Iām almost done, just a bit of perfume,ā meanwhile heās probably left wondering if she even wants him at all. Versus: āIām a hot mess again tonight, honey, but if you arenāt naked in 30 seconds Iām going to tear your clothes off with my teeth.ā Which wife sounds sexier?
Most hubbies love their wifeās body because of WHOSE body it isāthe woman they love and whose amazing body carried his children. How else do middle age and elderly couples keep sex and romance alive if itās about what your body looks like? Think of it this way. Look at your kids. Arent they the most beautiful things youāve ever seen? But what about that super cute Gap Kids ad you saw at the mall. Arenāt you disappointed your kids arenāt *that* adorable? Um, NOPE. Because they are *your* kids! They could be seriously funny looking (my second baby was!) and yet they are still breathtaking to you because of who they are. Most husbands feel the same way about their wivesā changing bodies
Donāt get me wrong: I am all for fighting the frumpāif nothing else, I love wearing sexy pantiesābut just because frump happens doesnāt mean you canāt connect sexually *until* youāve fought the frump. We have four children, the youngest of which is five months old and is constantly spitting up, so I save my good clothes for going out in public. Iāve also injured my right wrist, so I am not capable of doing my make up, my hair, or even shaving right now. Other than interference from kids, our sex life is nevertheless better than ever, most likely because I choose to approach the bedroom with: āIāve been mom all day, now make me feel like a wife!ā Make time for what makes you feel sexy, but donāt ever forget youāre sexy to him just because youāre you! Work it, girl!
Oh, Kay, you’re awesome.
Yep. Just yep.
Oh my. I may just have to steal that line!! Funniest thing I have heard in a lonnngggg time! Bet hubs would love it too!!
This comment:
āIām a hot mess again tonight, honey, but if you arenāt naked in 30 seconds Iām going to tear your clothes off with my teeth.ā
This statement should be in every pre-marital counseling book about sex in marriage. This declaration from the wife is so counter from what my wife and I read before we were married almost 4 decades ago.
Yes, I was struggling a lot, and still am, with points 1 and 2, mainly due to my age and traumas. Recently I discovered “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson. It is so good! I strongly recommend it to anybody seeking healing of their intimacy in their marriage. It has been such a difficult road for me. This book and Dr. Johnson’s talks helped me realize that sex is not so much about sex as it is about bonding. Once we think of it as an act of bonding, we can shed aside our body shame and our feeling of being inadequate, and even of our pain.
As a side-note, this whole “our family is so busy! We run around every night taking our kids to activities!” IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE AND STUPID! I’m sorry for being so blunt but I cannot stand it when I hear families talk about how busy they are and how they run around all week taking their kids to so many activities. It makes me crazy! Especially when they complain about it! They are doing it to themselves! Ahhhhh! Cut out the excessive activities, spend time at home as a family and TEACH YOUR CHILDREN HOW TO BE IN A CLOSE, LOVING, DEDICATED, MEANINGFUL AND SACRIFICIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS! And for the love of Pete put the devices away while you do this!
So, how do you start having better self esteem when you do all of these things already and yet he continues to notice every other woman but you? To say my self esteem has been ruined is an understatement. I dress/undress in the dark and away from a mirror so I don’t have to look at myself and be reminded of how disgusting he thinks I am. I know in my head that my body isn’t “that bad” for my age. I eat healthy, exercise, and take good care of myself. I wear makeup and dress really nicely. But I know I will never measure up to the other women he desires. I used to have a higher than normal sex drive but now there is none because I can’t overcome the thoughts of his porn use and the way he constantly looks at other women. And of course, he denies all of this and doesn’t see that there’s a problem or yet again I am blowing things out of proportion. I have given up on ever being happy again. I find it such an oddity that men actually find their wives attractive because I can’t imagine my life any other way at this point.
Oh, Jessica, that’s so sad! And it’s such a common problem. I’m glad you brought it up, because it’s one that so many people have! I did write a post on what to do when your husband says he doesn’t find you attractive. And the porn use absolutely must get dealt with. You just can’t tolerate it. You can’t enable him. It MUST be addressed. Here’s a post on what to do if your husband uses porn, too. I hope that helps!
Jessica, my heart hurts for you! Please know that you are a very precious and beloved, beautiful daughter of God. He loves you so much. This is the truth. That is what Easter reminds us of.
Hold on to this truth and fill your mind and heart with life-affirming things: God’s Word, KLOVE radio, Proverbs 31 devotions.
Psalm 34 says “those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame” and “he is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”.
I will pray for God’s comfort and peace in your heart and for wisdom. Focus on the Family and Be Broken Ministries are good places to start, and a Christian counsellor might help you regain your confidence and rediscover your true worthiness.
Post the lyrics to the song “You’re Beautiful” by Mercy Me in a place where they can remind you of this truth every day: “you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His”.
That’s wonderful, Rachael!
I’m happy that there are men out there who love their wives regardless of their wife’s body type, but what about the wives whose husband’s are turned off by their wife’s less than perfect body? What are they to do in this case?
I think that if it’s a health/obesity issue, then he needs to deal with it with her, and help them get healthy. But sometimes men get turned off because women aren’t perfect, and that’s totally not okay. And even if she isn’t perfect, you still are to enjoy sex!
I think if the shame and self hate are so extreme then she should seek professional help. The root cause might be childhood abuse (sexual or emotional). Its not always the best to “try harder” or “pray more”, that can actually make the shame worse because you feel like even more of a failure. Some people just cant help it, trauma has had that effect on their brain and they wont heal without help. They CANT see that their husband finds them beautiful, they are NOT projecting. They need help. I did and still do. It can be a long and painful process. This is why we need to talk about trauma and mental issues more. People dont realize that this may be their problem and are left helpless and hopeless because its impossible to pull yourself out of it…
That’s a great point, A! I do agree. I just also see that she’s really, really busy. And I also know a lot of women who are so busy with everything BUT their marriage and then they wonder why things don’t work. It is important to examine our childhood trauma, absolutely. A lot of women dealing with this will have had trauma. But a lot more won’t. So I guess the answer is: really examine yourself. What is holding you back? Is it trauma? Is it cultural messages? Is it your own busy-ness? Figure out what it is and deal with it! You weren’t meant to live like this.
I think we as women tend to think “Well, I would never be sexually attracted to that lump of stretch marks I see in the mirror, so I can’t possibly understand why my husband would ever be” when the simple reality is that in the vast majority of cases, he IS. And the other thing I tend to think about this topic is that in my experience, at least, the more you ‘Do It’, the more you want to ‘Do It’. So sometimes it’s about suiting up and showing up and the desire usually follows.
I can’t function properly without being showered and dressed daily (4 babies, 1 miscarriage, 1 tubal, various illness, and a weekend of not being able to walk very well due to something terrible in my lower back and I still don’t think I’ve ever missed a shower in my adult life, disregarding a couple weekends of camping), nor can I function with non-stop activities and schlepping kids to stuff, so I know for a near-certainty that if any of that were in play in my life, sex would be a struggle. I can’t answer this for anyone else, other than the truth that we have time for what we make time for. If a wife really prefers to be shaved, perfumed, and clean for sex, the only two good choices are, figure out how to adjust the schedule so those things can be done daily, or stop preferring that. Kids need their parents to have a healthy marriage/sex life, way more than they need daily activities. And if they weren’t in daily activities, it’s possible that work hours could be cut back since less money would be spent on their activities.
Very well said, Jessica! And I’m like you–I never miss a shower. Ever. When we were in a cabin with no electricity in the winter for a week I even melted snow!
Ok, I commenting as a man here, and I’m not talking to wives whose husbands actually tell them they are ugly or whatever. I talking to those of you who have told yourself that you are_______(fill in the blank). Has your husband actually told you your are ______? NO? Then stop telling yourself that and stop telling him that, and stop torturing the both of you.
early on, my wife always said that she was fat and ugly. But that is only true if 120 lbs is fat and the most gorgeous creature on the face of the earth is ugly. Stop it, it confuses us how you could possibly think that. And then when we tell you that you are beautiful, sexy, skinny, _______ and you then tell us how wrong we are, you are calling us a liar.
Then during the child bearing years, my wife put on some weight (which I never commented on) (or cared about for that matter), claimed she was ugly (not), Who paid the price for that? I did. I went for years without seeing her body. Seriously, years without seeing the 1 thing I wanted the most. never dressing, undressing, showering (which is incredibly sexy) before, after, or during sex. Always wearing a shirt and in the dark. Do you have any idea how painful that is? And selfish (if not narcissistic) you have just made it all about yourself. In essence you are telling him, “I don’t care what you think or want. I think this about myself no matter what you say, and I will act accordingly” “I don’t like myself, therefore you don’t like me either.”
Please don’t second guess your husband and inform him how wrong he is about your beauty, he wants you. He wants to be with you. You being vulnerable and trusting him despite your insecurities, is intimacy. Trust me please, HE WANTS YOU!
To those whose husband is a clod that truly does think she is ugly, I am so sorry. But he is the one with the problem, not you!
Sheep, this is very powerful: “you have just made it all about yourself.” I think a lot of women need to hear that. I hope they will listen! It is tragic what so many of us are doing to our marriages.
I feel like I need to respond to each of the 3 wars you brought up.
1. If our society is telling a woman that her body is not good enough, we, as husbands, need to find a way to convince her (our wife) that she is wanted, and hollywood can have their fake women. The last thing I want is for my wife to feel like she has to get into shape, loose pounds, get made up, and put on a show for me to love how she looks. I love it when she’s lookin hot, but that is only a small part of what I love about her.
2. For me, if my wife doesn’t feel like putting some effort into being pretty, I say more power to her. I honestly like her better when she isn’t trying to look her best. I enjoy her wanting to look nice for me (and for herself), but that is not a condition of our relationship, or our sex life. What I find sexy is not always inline with what hollywood tells me is sexy. Therefore, a fresh shower, no makeup, leggins and a tight shirt are HOT!
3. Kids don’t need to be in 17 different sports and clubs to have a good life. Have them pick 1 at a time or something. All of Sheila’s points are spot on. Though I’d like to add that since you have more time now, you should invite your husband into the shower with you… I can’t say enough about showering together! It’s wonderful, and economical, you should try it.
And to the person who asked this question; Put your husband on. Hello husband of said person. It’s time you made your wife feel wanted and sexy. Find things about your wife that you find sexy, and tell her that you think so! And don’t tell her so you can get sex, tell her so she feels good about herself. DON’T tell her about the parts you don’t find sexy. Just make sure she knows you find her sexy. If you don’t find her sexy… spend some time looking at her while she’s not looking, and make a point to find sexy parts of her. AND spend time looking at her so she notices you looking at her. With time and effort, you can find a way to see your wife as sexy. Don’t judge her based on the ‘woman’ you saw on a magazine cover, or in your favorite TV show… those are fake women who do little else than try to look their best, and then have a makeup team make them look even better.
I š this!!!!
Thanks autocorrect. My name is Cara lol
Thank you, Cara! My wife loves this too!
She loves catching me checking her out! When all of these tips are put into action, marriage is amazing. With that comes incredible sex.
A content, secure, and loved wife is a wife who is fully enabled to have good sex.
I also want to say that it matters who you surround yourself with also!! As in who your girlfriends are! For years my ābest friendā was someone with a very unhealthy attitude towards sex and her body. I began to adopt those thoughts.
When something else blew up the friendship it became very clear to me that I needed a āresetā.
Iāve spent a lot of time devouring your words as well as Jās and Iām in a much better place. Iād still love to lose 20-30 lbs. But I donāt hide anymore.
Yay! That’s great! I’m glad that you found J, too. š
Sheila, how on earth can you get dressed with make-up, and shower and shave, in five minutes each?! I find make-up takes me 15-20 minutes (though being extremely short-sighted may be part of the problem here) and a shave takes 20-30! You must be Superwoman!
Live in a travel trailer for a while and youāll learn to shave really quickly or shave under cold water šš. A 6 gallon hot water heater teaches you how.
I think it just boils down to priorities. If a wife values sex and intimacy, she will find a way to be intimate with hubby. If she doesn’t value it, she wont seek it out, REGARDLESS OF WHAT SHE PROFESSES. Actions speak louder than words.
This is a very good post, Sheila. You are soo right about letting God define how we see ourselves not the culture. He made you the way you are and loves you. We should look after our bodies not to match some empty standard of beauty defined by our culture but to take care of the gift God has given us. If your husbands loves you, he will think you are beautiful no matter how imperfect you are. How many of our husbands are movie star good looking? Do we love them any the less? Women are capable of being shallow and lustful too. Lets not put all the blame on men. Yes the pressure on women is greater to look good and men are bombarded more with imagery of perfect women but as Sheila says we mustn’t give in to the lies we are told. We just make ourselves miserable for no reason.
Thanks, Esther!
Wow! Before I married my husband, he had a long term relationship with a well known pornographic magazine, and due to that was never visually attracted to my body. This post and the comments that followed have been very encouraging to me. To know I am not the only one who has experienced this. So much of my sexuality was stolen from me, but I found that most Christian material portrays men as the victims. Keep up your wonderful, and honest, posts. Also, very encouraging to hear from men who speak from the heart!
Oh, I’m so glad that it can help you! And I’m so sorry that porn so distorted your husband’s view of sex. I pray that you both will find healing–I have known so many who have. It really can happen!
I long for a kind, affectionate wife but mine has absolutely no interest. She withholds affection as her power play. She has no sex drive, very low libido, and she controls our sex life 100%. I see no reason from her perspective to work on our sex life because sheād have to give up control. I feel hopeless as a husband. I bought your 31 Days book for her, share your blog with her and she deletes it every time. Sex, foreplay and affection are a complete waste of time because we have so much more important things to deal with in life. Iād give up my little pinky if sheād just give me a hug on her own. Just wonāt happen. Life is too stressful to waste time with affection and sex. Cold cold cold.
How tall are you and what do you weigh? I weigh 170 pounds at 5 ft 4 in tall. These things are easy to do for a woman who is 5ft 7 and weighing120 pounds. Not so easy for someone like me.
Beverley, please know that being skinnier doesn’t change negative body image or self hate. The best thing to do is find something you like about yourself, and focus on those things. Ask your husband what his favourite things are about you and why. Even tell him why you are asking (because you are feeling insecure and unloveable). Appreciate your body for its functions, and how it can make you feel. Enjoy a massage and love your body for its ability to feel that pleasure. Go for a swim and enjoy how your body feels in the water.
Changing this negative self talk isn’t going to happen overnight, but with practice, you can change. I’m 5ft4 and have fluctuated in weight between 120- 160 pounds over the years. I have felt insecure at either end of that scale! I have been unhappy with my body at either end of that scale! Currently I’m about 145 pounds, and am trying to work on my reasons for binge eating, rather than just going on another diet. So I am definitely a work in progress when it comes to the negative self talk! But I do strongly believe that being skinnier is NOT the best way to feel more attractive! By all means, eat healthy and exercise, but do it so your body can function as best it can – not so that it looks ‘better’.
Totally agree with your last point, E! And studies would bear you out. Our weight actually has very little correlation with a woman’s acceptance of her body, according to studies. And supermodels are often the worst on themselves! It’s easy to look at other people and think, “well, they don’t have an issue. If I had their body I’d be fine.” But you don’t realize that they struggle, too! The issue is not what we look like; it’s what cultural messages we listen to.
Hi Beverly, I understand what youāre feeling. Iām 165 and 5ā9ā, so I have the double whammy of being big AND tall. No woman wants to be big and tall! I think itās something smaller women simply cannot understand. They have great hearts and maybe they have struggles of their own, but they can never really understand. Iām the largest woman in my family and have been teased by the āperfect petitesā all my life.
I had a really hard time with Sheilaās āfight the frumpā thing because itās hard when youāre not tiny and cute. Clothes donāt flatter me the way they flatter shorter, thinner women. Iām kind of built āupside downā, larger on top and small hips and butt, long and thin legs. Itās hard for me to find pants that are long enough and yet flattering. Most pants are cut for women with more womenly bodies. And tops are hard because buttons pull and thatās never flattering. Most dresses are cut for a more normal body shape than what I have. I hate shopping, so finding clothes that flatter is very hard. I get frustrated and give up.
Sheila makes good points. I have to try to believe my husband likes me or why else would he have married me. Sometimes I feel like he settled for my body because he liked my personality. I have to fight that feeling every day. I understand I have to try to stop hating my body, but I also know how hard it is. I agree with you that it seems much easier for smaller women. They are so beautiful, and seem to have no reason to hate their bodies.
But God made us beautiful, too! You and I, and every woman. Every person He created, really. I know itās hard to love your body. I struggle with even liking my body each and every day. But we have to try. Iāll pray for you and Iād love it if youād pray for me.
This is a great article! Can you please, please tell me how you get dressed and made up in less that 5 minutes? Or showered AND shaved in less than 5 minutes? I’d probably have to head the the ER if I tried to shave in less than 5 minutes! Teach me your ways!
I don’t know! I just always have been right to the point. š I think it comes from spending so much time in our RV which really only has 2 minutes’ worth of hot water. So when I’m in a hurry, I’m super efficient. š And I did a post on how to get dressed fast right here!