Christian parenting advice seems to really like discipline and obedience.
Rebecca here on the blog today. As I was researching other parenting books and various Christian parenting blogs as I wrote my book, Why I Didn’t Rebel, this focus on repentance and obedience was everywhere–how to teach your kids to obey, how to discipline your kids, what to do with an unruly toddler, how to help your kid turn away from sin.
And although I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, it always rubbed me the wrong way. Is kids’ primary moral need to be taught that they are sinners? When kids do something parents don’t like, is it usually because children are disobedient?
Thinking more on it, talking to a few people about it, and reviewing the interviews I did for Why I Didn’t Rebel for the millionth time, here’s what I’ve concluded: we talk about misbehavior as a sin issue, when in reality, a lot of the time it’s an impulse control or naivete issue.
But before I go any further, let’s get some theology straight.
We all do have need for a savior, and we definitely need to teach kids right from wrong–no arguments there! So here’s what the Bible says about the sinful nature:
- All have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God (Rom 3:23). Everyone sins, and we all need God’s forgiveness and grace.
- We are at war with two natures: the sinful nature, and God’s nature. We all have a sinful nature, but we are also created in the image of God.
- When we know God, we have His Spirit within us, and we adopt Christ’s nature and reject the sinful nature (Galatians 5:16-25).
Most parenting focuses on turning away from the sinful nature and squashing sinful tendencies in children by teaching them to repent. But what if this isn’t the best way to teach kids right from wrong? What if kids don’t need that same focus on repentance that we do as adults?
Let me give you a bit of my story growing up.
I grew up in an amazing Christian family. I have known God (not just known about God, I have truly known God) for as long as I can remember. When I was 3 years old, I used to make up songs about Jesus dying on the cross so we could go to heaven while riding the subway in downtown Toronto. And in Kindergarten when I lost my favorite toy on the playground, my response when my friend found it for me was, “Well, I wasn’t worried. I knew I would find my toy because I prayed to Jesus about it.”
Rebecca in her last day of kindergarten (and last day of school! We homeschooled after that).
When I was a kid, my relationship with God wasn’t rooted in my understanding of my natural inclination towards sin. Instead, I just thought Jesus was wonderful and was so happy that he wanted to be my friend, too! I liked talking to Jesus, and singing to Jesus, and hearing stories about Jesus, and I knew that Jesus was always there and that he loved me more than anything.
It wasn’t until I was 10 years old that I had my first true moment of understanding my need for a savior. I was sitting in my room and it suddenly hit me and I just started bawling–I got down on my knees, confessed, cried, and my dad actually came in and found me there and I just said, “Daddy, I really need Jesus, don’t I?”
But it wasn’t as though I didn’t know and love Jesus before I understood how much I needed him–I still had a real relationship with Him. I just wasn’t psychologically developed enough to grasp that deeper level yet.
When I look at how adults versus children are seen in the Bible, adults are told, “Be more like these kids!” But much of parenting advice seems to revolve around training kids to be little adults.
Jesus loved kids. He gathered them up and as the disciples tried to usher them away, Jesus threw away all the “proper” ideas of how children were to be around respected religious leaders like rabbis and instead said, “let the little children come to me!” My concern is that somewhere along the line, we’ve forgotten the wonder of childhood.
When Jesus talks about us as his children, he compares us to sheep, not wolves. What’s the difference? Sheep are simply stupid. Wolves, on the other hand, are deliberately malicious. Jesus calls us dumb, stubborn sheep. But when it comes to the typical parenting advice out there, it’s like we’re treating kids like wolves, not sheep!
Yes, we all have a sinful nature. But we’re also created in the image of God, and have His Spirit in us, too! And for those of us born into great Christian families, the Spirit side is our norm. And I think we need to understand the difference between misbehavior and maliciousness. A 5-year-old coloring on the walls isn’t malicious as much as it is just dumb.
My little sister, Katie, used to write on everything. And I mean everything. But for her, it wasn’t a chosen sin the way it would be if I were to color on the walls now, as a 23-year-old. For her, it was just the impulse control issues that 5-year-olds have! Telling her she was a disobedient little girl who needed to confess to Jesus would have been entirely inappropriate–and my concern is that it may cause a lot of shame and a feeling of never being good enough.
Katie wasn’t bad–she was just impulsive!
As a general rule, kids develop in stages–even with our moral understanding.
According to Kohlberg, morality develops in three stages.
Stage one is called the pre-conventional level, where morality is all about what it gets you. You don’t lie, because if you lie you get a time out. You clean your room, because if you keep your room clean you can go for ice cream on Fridays.
First Morality Stage: Doing what brings me rewards
Stage two is called the conventional level, and it’s all about social norms and becoming a “good girl” or “good boy.” Morality is about what authority says is right (parents, government, teachers, pastors). At this stage, children believe that you should follow the rules even if there aren’t rewards or punishments because rules are what dictate morality. (That’s why children get upset when you change the rules to a board game. That’s just not done!)
That desire to be moral is lived out by following rules. Billy doesn’t run in the house because Mommy says you can’t run in the house and he wants to be a good boy. And he knows he’s a better boy than his brother Tommy, because Tommy runs in the house when he knows that mom can’t see him, but Billy doesn’t run no matter what.
Second Morality Stage: Wanting to follow rules. Rebecca was always so glad she followed more rules than Katie!
Stage three is the post-conventional level, and it’s a more philosophical understanding of morality. This is when you get into moral questions like, “if lying was wrong, was it a sin for Rahab to lie about the spies in her house?” Rules and laws can be broken if need be without it necessarily being immoral, and there is understanding that people can come to different conclusions about morality based on past experience and present situation (e.g., one person can decide to become a soldier and fight in a war for their country and another can see all forms of war as innately evil and choose not to fight, and you can see the validity of both positions).
Third Morality Stage: Thinking through moral issues
Understanding Christianity’s moral laws really falls under the post-conventional level. We’re not supposed to follow God just because of what it gets us (stage one), or to be governed by rules or earth authority anymore (stage two), but instead to follow the Spirit God has given us and make decisions based on our individual callings under the greater umbrella of God’s morality (stage three).
Here’s the kicker, though: most kids don’t enter even stage two until late adolescence. So much of Christian parenting advice, though, is about teaching kids that they are fundamentally a sinful being who needs to repent! That’s a stage 3 type mentality!
I’m not saying we don’t teach kids how to behave–I’m saying we change our thinking around misbehavior.
It’s not evil for a 2-year-old to play with her potatoes. It’s just her learning what mashed potatoes feel like, and enjoying the smushiness! It doesn’t mean she’s following her sinful nature as much as just being a 2-year-old.
My parents definitely taught us to behave well–they didn’t tolerate my sister scribbling on everything! But the emphasis needs to be on helping kids make the right decisions instead of shaming them for doing something wrong.
Take colouring on the walls, for instance. There’s a big difference between teaching a 3-year-old to ask Jesus to help her stop coloring on the walls and forcing a 3-year-old to confess her sin of coloring on the walls to Jesus so she can be forgiven.
Let me give you a scenario following the typical Christian parenting advice I often find in books or on blogs:
- Have the child answer the question: are you being obedient or disobedient?
- Make them apologize for disobeying.
- Confess his/her sin to Jesus
- Decide on a punishment
When we’re talking about really young kids, this can become a very shaming message.
Here’s what my parents did instead when Katie doodled:
- Explain that the act was wrong and why (If you color on the walls, you are damaging mommy and daddy’s things.)
- If they are sorry, show them how to apologize to the injured party for the specific act (I’m sorry I colored on the walls, not I’m sorry I disobeyed you)
- Talk about how you can not do it next time (Let’s have an easel set up so you have a better place to color)
- Find a way for the child to fix the problem they caused (The child scrubs the crayon off the wall)
Instead of focusing on what we did wrong, it was about making things right. How can we avoid this in the future? How can you fix it now?
That’s a much more empowering message for kids, and much less dehumanizing than making them debase themselves for simply not having proper impulse control.
Jesus celebrates children’s innocence, their kindness, and their unwavering trust and faith in God. But a lot of Christian parenting advice seems to forget that kids generally want to do the right thing–they just don’t know how yet. Let’s teach them how, rather than telling them that they are dirty rotten sinners.
Learn to Get to the Heart of the Matter with Teenagers, too!
Rebecca’s book, Why I Didn’t Rebel, looks at the parenting practices that are most likely to help kids to develop an authentic faith, make good decisions, and keep a close relationship with their parents.
And a lot of them aren’t what you’d assume reading many Christian parenting books!
It’s all about authenticity and relationship, not rules and shame.
Read how you can be the kind of parent your teen wants to talk to!
Rebecca’s book, Why I Didn’t Rebel, looks at the parenting practices that are most likely to help kids to develop an authentic faith, make good decisions, and keep a close relationship with their parents.
And a lot of them aren’t what you’d assume reading many Christian parenting books!
It’s all about authenticity and relationship, not rules and shame.
Read how you can be the kind of parent your teen wants to talk to!
Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach is a 23-year-old Canadian blogger/author and the daughter of Sheila Wray Gregoire. Married since 2015, she is passionate about helping others challenge the status quo and live for more, whether in their relationships, their educational or occupational goals, or their walks with God. And yes, like her mother, she also knits.
Find Rebecca Here:
Check out Rebecca's book and course:
- Why I Didn't Rebel. Ever wondered why some kids rebel and some don't? Or do you believe rebellion is inevitable? Rebecca interviewed 25 young adults and dove into psychology research to find out: what makes some kids rebel, and some stay on the straight-and-narrow?
- The Whole Story: Not-So-Scary Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. Scared to talk to your daughter about puberty? Rebecca and her sister Katie want to do the hard part for you. This course is designed to start conversations to bring you closer together and strengthen your mother-daughter bond while giving your daughter all the information she needs as she becomes a woman.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This is a wonderful article and really relates well both to my (really positive) experience as a child and to what I’m learning as a young parent. Something I find wonderful about not interpreting my children’s behavior as sinful or even as reflective of “how they will be when they grow up” is that it decreases my level of anxiety around their behavior, which lets me have more calm but also more positive authority when interacting with them. It overall improves my level of enjoyment of my kids, which improves our relationship and also their behavior. <3
So true! We were seriously worried about Katie when she was 3-5 because she would do that–colour on walls, etc. She had no impulse control! We thought at the time that she was super mischievous. She really wasn’t. She’s always been super loving and she has always wanted to be good. She simply had impulse control issues that she needed to get over, and she was a totally different kid at 8 than at 5. I’m glad we didn’t shame her at the time, though, although we did spend a lot of time in prayer for her!
When I was little I also loved to draw on the walls. My good artistic bohemian mother, who never had read any Evangelical parenting advice and did not think about wall painting in terms of sin, got a HUGE roll of white drawing paper and plastered the walls of my room with it and gave me a pack of colour crayons: “Here. In this room you can draw on the walls as much as you like!”
I can’t remember any of it but I have heard the story and seen the pictures they have taken of me and my wall paintings so I know it is a true story.
Had one of my children done that about 20 years later, I don’t know how my church folks had reacted and what kind of punishment they would have insisted upon.
I often prayed for the salvation of my parents, but with the same breath, I also used to thank God I did not have the kind of “Christian” upbringing my church expected me to give to my kids.
Wow, Emmy! Isn’t that telling? I’m so glad that you have such great discernment (and a great mom!)
So true! I needed to hear that ! I am having a hard time with my 5 year old boy and I think a lot of it had been caused by me overthinking his behaviors 🙁
Also I read your book and I have been quite impressed by it. It was a HUGE encouragement for me to just be myself with my kids instead of following any advice. I was thinking like that a lot before having children and later started to second guess myself. I think I really need to get out or that stage 2 myself and really listen to the Spirit and enter stage 3 😉
Thank you!
I really do hear you about overthinking his behaviours! We totally overthought Katie’s. And honestly–so much of it was just developmental.
What I love about following Jesus is that it really is about living by the Spirit and learning to listen to Him. I think parents often want these guarantees, so we gravitate towards formulas that should give us success. But a relationship with God isn’t about a formula. And, yes, that’s stage 3 thinking. 🙂
Hi Becca – I am sure Katie is thrilled you picked on her today haha. We really struggled with my youngest in his early years 2-6 years. He was the one drawing on the walls not once but 3 or 4 times and pushing pencils through the window screen onto the roof and testing the building materials of furniture to see how it reacts when you jump up an down on it and knock it over. He was the one who just wanted to see what would happen when you break something. One time he went into my wife’s prized cabinet piece in our dinning room and plucked each individual hand made wood wooden pieces that made up the frame. We always thought it was because he was #3 child and he just wanted attention. Could have been for all we know. It was rough I can tell you that. I am grateful today that he has grown out of that. Last Sunday he was baptized by his request. He was baptized as an infant but now he is 7 and wanted to have it done again. Afterwards he told us that he is going to be a good boy now. I hope it sticks! 🙂 When I was reading your post I thought of this old video that went around as a viral email a long time ago. You may have seen it. it is called “An Interview with God” You can view it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moBvLFbFdJ4
Have a great day
I think it depends on whether the kid IS a dirty rotten sinner. 😉
There was an episode of South Park where the school was being sued for allowing abuse of a kid. They asked the teacher if he had disciplined other students for calling the boy a little ******. He said no, and when they asked why not, he said it was because the boy WAS a little ****. Which it’s probably wrong how hard that makes me laugh.
One thing, with my stepson, is reminding myself how different little boys are. It helps that I had a younger brother. Like I could sit still and read for hours when I was 7; my stepson will be perched, kneeling, on his tiptoes on the back of the couch to play a video game and then flop onto his back with his head hanging down and then stretch across the couch and the coffee table like a plank and think that’s totally normal and that he’s being still. Boys are wiggly and they like to move and they don’t focus in the same way as girls, and that’s okay.
So true, Sunny-Dee! And I agree that some kids actually are terrors. Absolutely.
But in general, the parents who are really focusing on teaching kids that they are sinners and that they must not disobey (as opposed to must not write on the walls or must not put mashed potatoes in their hair) are those who are in a strong Christian home. And I guess my experience is that if you raise kids to know Jesus from the very, very beginning, then that does make a big difference. They’re not dirty rotten sinners in the same way. I think we think of small children as being “without Christ”, and in a state of sin, whereas if a child grows up in a Christian family, they really aren’t. It’s like how we’re so worried that a child isn’t Christian until they say “the prayer”. But both of my kids would tell you that there was really no difference in their relationship with God or how they felt about God before or after the prayer because they were already living under the New Covenant. That’s what they were taught from the very beginning.
But I totally agree–some kids are holy terrors! Absolutely. I just don’t think Christian parents should assume their own kids necessarily are. 🙂
And Katie used to do math while sitting in the splits on the floor, by the way. She could concentrate better that way!
In my home church where my kids where baptized, for the first baptism we had to goto a baptism class. My Pastor presented to us that all babies are sinners. While I understood his point and understand the Fall, I hold this belief: We are born pure with Jesus and this world/Parents/others/satan cause us to fall through learned behavior etc. Furthermore this is why Jesus loves the children. Its not their fault. I am not sure there is biblical backing and maybe you can debunk that but the way I see it is the dirty little **** kids only got it from their parents. Not sure what that says about me and my previous share about my struggles with my youngest…but maybe I am quite aure what that says about me and my struggles too….
I think that in many cases where we think of kids as particularly bad or difficult it is often just the combination of the parent’s and child’s personality type. I think God puts at least one “difficult” kid into each parents life, so we will learn to lay our lives down, to be humble and to depend on God. It makes you pray like nothing else, and it often requires us to change and become more like God. I was a kid that questioned everything, i still do and to this day I have a hard time obeying someone just because they told me to do it or just because they have a title of authority. I need to know why and how? But if I am convinced of something, heck i will not pull out even if it means I have to sacrifice a lot. So to some people i would seem rebellious… but you know what, when I was a teenager and became a believer was was not easily pulled to do stupid stuff, I would not bent to group pressure. I have at least one child just like that and it is not easy to be her mother… just living the sacrificial life here and trying not to loose my mind.
And another often overlooked reason for horrible behavior- trauma! At a training for foster parents I learned about the five most common behaviors of children who have experienced trauma and saw three of them in my biological son who hadn’t experienced trauma that I knew of. Yet I learned that he had. I was depressed and angry when he was very young and that was traumatic and he experienced multiple medical interventions as a newborn. And the infant brain registers invasive medical treatments as trauma. Once we worked through these things together with a counselor, his difficult behaviors went away. If we would use difficult behaviors as a red flag to investigate rather than something to stamp out, I believe we could be God’s hands and feet to meet our child’s needs much better.
Such a great point, Gwen! Thank you for bringing that up. That’s so important to remember!
I absolutely agree with your observation about how most Christian parenting advice is focused on fixing the little sinners. I think much of it is messed up theology with added behavior control methods. It is based on fear.
Theologically it does not make sense to punish kids after you made them repent. If they repented then the punishment was taken by Jesus on the cross. That is really badly applied false teaching actually to punish after repentance. Then also lot of the mistakes kids make are just that mistakes or like you said impulse control issues, they are not even sin! Rules based parenting using rewards and punishment to control behavior is not godly I believe. It‘s trying to fix the sin issue with human methods, where Jesus already did all the work.
God -our father in heaven- loves us unconditionally, so we should love our kids unconditionally and make sure our actions don‘t undermine that.
God gave his son for us, Jesus called us to lay our life down for others, so let’s lay down our lives for our children.
Jesus called us to love, to be patient, to control ourselves. He called us to live in perfect love that casts out all fear. He called us to always forgive, and to repent quickly. He said ‘let the little children come to me!” and he also cursed anyone who would lay a stumbling block in their way. He disciplines us, yes, but not with threats of punishments. Rather the voice of the Holy Spirit will point to our sin and not let us walk in it, if we have a hard time obeying something he calls us to do, He seeks our heart, He helps to understand and He will help us obey. It hurts to confront the often ugly truth of our sinful nature, but this is not punishment. Yes we reap what we sow, but this is also not arbitrary punishment like most of the parenting methods use. This is taking responsibility for your actions and natural consequences.
I believe your example of how your parents dealt with Katie’s coloring on the wall is in line with what I try to say.
Also: we can not overcome evil by inflicting pain. Evil is overcome by good. And kids learn from our example how to behave. If we treat them with respect, they will most likely treat us with respect. If they speak disrespectfully it is way better to say “ uhu that was disrespectful, can you try that again!” For little ones we might even teach them specific sentences to say. The point is you stop the unacceptable behavior in the moment and immediately replace it with the desired behavior. This also works for toddlers exploring social contact with hitting or biting. Stay near them, catch their hand if they try to hit, and say a firm “no, I won’t let you hurt your sister” and the show them how to touch gently. This does not add shame, it requires no punishment and yet it is more effective in learning impulse control, because you actually stop them in the middle of the action instead of punishing them after the act. My 16 months old is in the middle of this right now, often stopping himself now when he wants to hit moving to a gentle stroke by himself. Sometimes he still hits but a look from me and a uhu will already remind him what to do.
I love all of that Lydia! And I had never thought of the punishment-repentance thing. You’re right–if they’ve repented before Jesus, then why would we ALSO punish them? That’s why I really don’t think punishing kids is effective. Punishment is very different from discipline and mentoring. I think our job is to teach appropriate behaviour, because they just don’t know (there’s that stupid sheep thing again!). It’s not their fault; they’re just little.
So we teach them. And kids do learn that way! And I agree that we can’t overcome evil by inflicting pain. For those who want more information on this, here’s a post on 10 alternatives to spanking.
Another theological issue with punishment is that it puts you in the position to judge. Because you need to determine what kind of punishment does your child deserve for the behavior. Jesus said, do not judge.
Most often punishment is based on whatever the parent feels right, it has nothing to do with justice, considering that we don’t even know the true motivation of our kids. Kids that are verbal do stupid stuff and when you ask them why, they can’t even tell you. Heck, sometimes I don’t know why I do a stupid mistake…
Also fear of punishment might work for a while to get desired outward behaviors but long term it undermines internal motivation. When you ask random people why they don’t kill, most people will tell you, that for one because it’s wrong (moral reasoning) and most likely because they have no desire to kill anybody. It has nothing to do with avoiding prison. Because if a person wants to kill somebody they don’t care about prison. It has all to do with our hearts. Prison or punishment in this case is only a way of society to a) protect it’s citizens from further harm b) do some form of justice, though it is imperfect. Punishment is not a good teacher.
Very well said. Rebecca found in her research that for a lot of kids who rebelled, the focus of the parents was on the correct outward behaviour. It drove them nuts. It seemed really hypocritical. They actually WANTED to be good, but they couldn’t live up to rules, and they found rules really frustrating because the parents wouldn’t talk about the reasons behind the rules (stage 3 post-conventional thinking). They actually wanted that relationship with Jesus, but many ran away because they just felt it was too hard.
We need to focus on teaching kids internal motivation, as you said. Incidentally, that’s why I was also against “bribing” my kids for things, too. Like, in schools they get rewards for reading so many books. I wanted reading to be its own reward. As soon as you give a reward, you tell the kid, “I know this is something you wouldn’t want to do except for the reward”, so they don’t realize that they would actually want to do it otherwise.
So true about the rewards or bribing. Also to much praise can have that effect. I think the key is really for the parent to see the child as a whole person, made in the image of God, and just as imperfect as ourselves. They want to learn how to do the right thing and how this world works. They deserve to feel enjoyment for their own accomplishments, we shouldn’t ruin that with rewards. We just need to trust them and love them, encourage them to try again if they fail. They are not evil monsters, and they are not total innocent angels. But our job is not to drive the sin out of them but to model a relationship with God, who did already overcome the sin for them.
When Adam and Eve sinned, it was deliberately, willfully, and in the full knowledge it was wrong. As if that deliberateness is part of the definition of ‘sin’ rather than ‘mistake’ or ‘bad decision’ (etc). Which I always try to remember in conversations about sin. And it’s a very, very, very valid point. And yet…
And yet…
And yet… You ever go to an infant baptism? Even a baby dedication like we do in the Baptist tradition?
The child in question always, always screams the place down right when the minister preaches the gospel. Every single time. Even children who are otherwise the sweetest, and were sweet the rest of the way through the service. (Please tell me I’m not the only one who noticed that?) And this definitely makes me think that perhaps there is something to this whole ‘original sin’ thing. That they are (presently) actively rejecting the gospel and trying to prevent anyone else from hearing it too? That they are currently in the kingdom of darkness, and not the Kingdom of Light? That they are currently being used to (attempt to) perpetuate that? So I really don’t know what is the situation with infants and little children, if they are born sinners or not. Probably some kind of both/and, although given the contradictory nature of my two comments, it doesn’t make sense to me.
I didn’t mean this as a reply, sorry.
A couple things:
With regard to punishment and repentance – God doesn’t punish us, but he DOES let us experience the consequences of our actions. I think it’s important to teach children that they can be really sorry about something they did, but there are still repercussions. Sometimes it’s losing a privilege or a time out to calm down.
As an adult, I also have to experience consequences to my wrong actions. Doing something wrong can land me in jail or in a mess in my personal life. Good doesn’t always take those things away, even if we’ve truly repented.
With regard to sin in general, I’ve always heard it defined as “missing the mark,” which would mean that it doesn’t really matter if it’s intentional or not. It’s different than a transgression, which would be delivered going against what you know to be right.
Because God is perfect in all ways, even our accidental, unknowing sins still separate us from Him. In our day to day life, if I break a traffic law that I don’t know exists, I can still get a ticket. Ignorance is not an excuse.
So, while I agree with many of the points made here about how to train children in a way that isn’t shaming for them, and about the levels of understanding, I don’t think that there is a problem with calling out sin as sin.
I agree with you! I tried to make that point about consequences, and I do let my kids experience the consequences, the difference is that I usually don’t make up consequences that have nothing to do with the action, in most cases a natural consequence exists, and I do require my kids to (at least help even when they’re little) taking responsibility. It is actually quite simple. The spill something, they have to clean it up, they break something it has to be repaired or replaced or they won’t have that item anymore. If they hurt a sibling, they have to make the relationship right. If they steal something they have to return it. I do actually call out sin when it truly is sin, and I expect them to make good choices, but it is within the context of unconditional love and grace. I also expect them to obey, but I don’t try to control their live or manipulate their choices with threats. The Bible does not require blind obedience, it requires that the children “listen to their parents in all things IN THE LORD” so that requires moral reasoning and questioning from our children’s side, which toddlers can’t yet do. But babies and toddlers learn by absorbing their environment, they learn from our example. Most of the time if my kids do misbehave it is a reflection of my own shortcomings. How could I punish them for something I do myself? There is a lot of freedom in our house. I try to instill good habits, and extend grace for mistakes. When I first threw out the concept of made up punishments and arbitrary consequences I felt like I am taking a huge risk, because I left myself parenting without control methods. But I am doing it for 8 Years now and it works, I have kids who listen to their parents and who know right from wrong. My kids are kind and peace makers. They often want to help out with stuff without me asking, they love to give, and I believe it is because they are given unconditional love. If we add punishment to force compliance we are undermining unconditional love.
God is love, and He is holy, yet His love does not change based on our behavior, but our behavior changes how we relate to God (are we coming closer, are we running away?)
That’s perfect, Lydia! That’s very much in line with what we did (and what Rebecca found worked best when she did all her interviews for her book). I never taught blind obedience either, because everybody is to listen first to God. But when they’re little, they do need to listen to Mommy. They just don’t understand why yet, so that’s for us to show them!
Yes! Ive been thinking about this lately. Jesus wants us to come to Him as children, and we are told children are selfish little sinners. So Jesus wants us to be selfish sinners? That made no sense to me. This article cleared things up. Yes, Christ wants us to come to him as children, no children aren’t selfish horrible sinners. They don’t even understand what sin is. They just want love and acknowledgement and approval. We are to seek God and ask for His approval which comes through accepting His son because we know it is impossible to do without Him. Obviously I could go into a lot more detail with this, but thank you for clearing up what I’ve been wondering about lately!
I’m so glad that you found it helpful!
*applause*
The dirty rotten little sinner theology totally undermines the natural kindness, inquisitiveness, and logic of kids. I work at a preschool, and the two biggest things I’ve learned is to WAIT and to ASK. When I wait instead of jumping in and correcting kids, I’m amazed at how competent they are to help themselves, help others, resolve conflict, etc. And when I ask, instead of immediately lecturing them about being naughty, I’m always amazed about how perfectly sensible their reasons for doing bizarre things are. Children deserve more respect than much Christian parenting advice gives them.
Thanks, Bailey! So glad you liked it.
That must be quite the experience with preschoolers. I can just imagine all the sermon illustrations you can come up with!
I’m not sure I totally agree. The Bible teaches that we are fallen and all are sinners. We need to point out their sin, but with grace, as God does with us. So we need to ask questions and learn ttheir intentions, and then respond as the situation requires. Some wall scribblers need to repent of disobedience, but some just need to scrub the crayon off. And in every situation, there is a gospel opportunity. No one is perfect and we all need God to save us from our sin and to help us do what is honoring to Him.
A good post again, thank you! One thing that I need to say, though: you were quite optimistic about the general parenting advice most Christian parents get. There are many among us who were not just adviced to tell our children they are bad sinners that should repent. Many of us were taught our kids were such bad sinners they could not even truly repent without being beaten first.
I spent my years as a young mother in a church where there was so much grace and understanding for repenting sinners…unless they were children. Yes, all were welcome back to God any time, He will never turn you away. It does not matter what you have done. If you come back to Jesus, all your sins will be washed away. Yes, I believed it and still do.
But when your child made a mistake or behaved “badly” or did not obey, there was no forgiveness without a whipping first. Only after a “chastisement” (s)he should be forgiven, otherwise (s)he would not learn to fear God, which would lead to him/her to become an obstinent sinner and a criminal unable to repent and finally go to hell.
So we had a different gospel for adults and another for children. 🙁 And this was long before Michael Pearl wrote his horrible book How to Train a Child. There were other books before that, written by most respected Christian authors, and Christians of my generation read them and swallowed and followed their advice.
And some still do.
That’s just awful. Just terrible.