What if you like sex, but you don’t really get the desire to please your husband sexually?
You enjoy making love, but pleasing him isn’t really at the forefront of your mind during the whole thing! Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and this week we’re going to be talking about how to love your husband and make him feel awesome. And I thought we’d start with this reader question from a woman who is struggling with not feeling the desire to make sex about him:
Hi Sheila! I am wondering if you could tackle the subject of lacking a desire to please your husband sexually. My husband is very attentive to my needs and desires and thoroughly enjoys pleasing me. He has made me feel safe and secure in the bedroom and goes out of his way to make me feel wonderful. The problem is that I don’t have the same passion for pleasing him as he does for me. I will perform x, y, or z for him, but that passion and raw desire isn’t there. My husband is very hurt by this and says he feels like I don’t desire him or want him. He feels continually ignored. He says that he feels like the bedroom is all about me. So my question is, how do I desire to bring pleasure to him and be genuine about it?
Great question, and I think this comes down to some fundamentally different ways that the sexes experience sex. So let’s look at some basic principles about sex, and then I’ll give her some thoughts about what to do!
Women need to concentrate in order to make sex pleasurable, so we often have a hard time focusing on making him feel good during sex.
For some women it’s not a big deal, but for women who have trouble reaching orgasm, it can be trickier.
In contrast, men don’t get to “give in to their feelings” during sex. If they did, for many couples sex would last about 2 minutes. Men have to control themselves by not focusing on how good they’re feeling, but instead focusing on how good SHE feels.
Think about how this works for a moment: Many people ask me if God doesn’t like women because it’s so much harder for a woman to reach orgasm than for a man. But the way that God made sex, for sex to work well as a couple, she needs to let go of control and not worry about anything else (which, as women, we’re always worried about someone else and something else; it’s God telling us, ‘it’s okay for this to be about just feeling something, not doing something!”). He, in turn, needs to think about her, or sex will be over too quickly. He needs to NOT think only about himself.
God made sex so that he would have to think first and foremost about her, and she would be able to bask in it and enjoy it.
During sex:
- If a husband concentrates on his wife, sex lasts longer and both receive a lot of pleasure.
- If a wife concentrates on her husband, sex often is shorter and only he tends to receive pleasure.
We’re just made differently!
When making love, if a husband concentrates on his wife, sex lasts longer & both have fun; if a wife concentrates on him, sex is shorter and often only he receives pleasure. It's interesting how God made sex!Click To TweetSo, yes, women have a hard time reaching orgasm. But isn’t that kind of cool the way God made it? To feel good, women must silence all those voices in their heads and the endless to-do lists and just FEEL and experience, and men must focus on someone other than themselves. That does have some benefits!
Here’s the relational downside, though. Men can then start to think:
During sex I concentrate on her and worry about her. Why doesn’t she ever worry about me? How is that fair?
Sex can easily seem like it’s about her.
After all, he has to work to make sure that she has an orgasm, whereas she doesn’t have to do any work to make sure that he has one. The couple tends to have sex only when she wants it (in cases where she has the lower libido). What about him? Doesn’t she love him? He’s going to all of this work for her, but why doesn’t she love him that way in return?
This is Exhibit A on why we need to understand the different physical dynamics and emotional dynamics to the ways our bodies work during sex. If men understood this, then perhaps there wouldn’t be so much frustration.
In the same way, I wrote a post a while ago on why a wife’s enthusiasm matters during sex. He needs to know that she actually wants to make love to him, not that she’s just doing it for him. It really does matter!
Have some conversations about the different ways men and women approach sex–and what we both need:
So to a couple battling this, here are some conversations I’d advise you to have:
- Read the post on why orgasm is harder for women–and why God may have made it that way. Understand the emotional dynamics that go into great sex, since we need to learn to communicate, trust, and give!
- Read the post on why enthusiasm matters to men–why it actually matters to a guy that his wife wants sex, and how we can signal that to our husbands.
- Read this post (this one here!) on why it’s easier for a husband to concentrate on his wife during sex than it is for a wife to concentrate on a husband.
Now, what can we do to show our husbands that we do love them and want them to have a great sex life, too? Here are just a few ideas:
Make Foreplay about Your Husband!
Once you start making love, it may be necessary for a woman to be able to concentrate–or at least to be carried away by feelings rather than thinking about making him feel good. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t concentrate on your husband BEFORE you begin to make love!
You can make foreplay fun for him, too! And one thing that men do like is looking. So put on some pretty lingerie. Or let him see you undressing. Don’t just get under the covers in a ratty T-shirt.
And during foreplay you can even take turns doing different things to each other. As I talked about recently, the Ultimate Intimacy App is awesome for that, and I highly recommend checking it out.
Play the His Nights and Her Nights Game
Sometimes there are specific things you’d each like to do (maybe a position you enjoy more, or maybe starting with a back massage, or whatever) but you don’t do these very often. I’ve talked before about the benefits of having a “his” night and a “her” night regularly. That way you can each feel that you get to do what you want occasionally, without your spouse feeling pressured to do that all the time.
(Note: I am not talking about participating in sinful things or things that you are very uncomfortable with. I’m just talking about occasionally giving your spouse a gift when you would prefer to do things in a different way if you had your say. This way you each get that chance occasionally, while normally sex is about both of you).
Make Love Sometimes Just for Him
Other times, make sex truly about him feeling good. Use some tips in my post on how to make sex feel amazing for your husband, and let him know that this one is going to be all about him. That may mean that it doesn’t really last very long, but that can be part of the gift that you’re giving him. He doesn’t have to worry about you and can just FEEL, and that’s fun, too! Quickies really can be fun.
Revel in Sexual Confidence from Seeing What You Can Do for Him!
Finally, she says that she doesn’t have the raw desire to make him feel good the way that he does for her. I do believe that this stems from the fact that for men, enthusiasm on their wife’s part really is part of what’s exciting, whereas for women the dynamics are different.
However, I think many women’s experience of sex would benefit from taking time to realize how much “sexual power” you have. That’s a strange phrase, and I don’t mean it in a negative or creepy way, and I certainly only mean it within marriage. But I think in church circles we have so run away from the idea of being “sexy” or the idea of being attractive that we almost make “sexual power” into a negative. As long as it’s within marriage, though, it’s not negative at all!
Sexual power and sexual confidence are good things--within marriage. Just because our culture has made them gross doesn't mean that wives shouldn't enjoy the effects we do have on our husbands!Click To TweetGiven how insecure so many of us are about our bodies and so much else, it can be quite healing to realize the effect that we can have on our husbands. So during some of those quickies, watch his reaction when you do certain things. See how he acts when he’s given permission to just feel and not worry about you. See that YOU do all of this to him. You are the one who drives him crazy! When you begin to realize this, it can make you a lot more sexually confident.
Pick up the 31 Days to Great Sex
Finally, need a way to add “his” nights and “her” nights into your marriage? Want to try some quickies but you don’t know where to start? Want to have those conversations about what you each desire, but find them a little bit awkward? That’s where 31 Days to Great Sex comes in! It’s a great challenge that I’ve written where you read 2-4 pages a night and then do what it says. And the challenges don’t just help you spice up your sex life (though they will do that), they also help you have those conversations so that you can understand each other better.
And they’re a lot of fun! Check it out here.
What do you think? Have you ever found this dynamic to be true in your sex life–where he concentrates on her more than she concentrates on him? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This is an eerily timly post for me. But I have a question, I’m the one with a higher drive, so when the last few nights my husband and I were intimate, I did all the work and before my pluse even had a chance to rise he was done and I’ve been left frustrated. I feel like a rut has begun and I don’t know how to approach the topic of my feelings of being unsatisfied without bruising his confidence and there go even less sex.
Oh, Erika, that is tough! I was speaking to a woman yesterday at a marriage conference who was worried that there was something wrong with her since sex didn’t feel good–but it turns out it was over in 2 minutes! Big problem. No wonder it didn’t feel good for her!
I think the key for you may be to get to the heart of the libido problem. Even men with a lower libido than their wives should enjoy sex when it happens, and should be able to be giving during sex. If sex is over very quickly, and if he can’t get aroused unless you’re doing a ton of work–there is something off there.
I’d investigate four things–low testosterone (it affects more men than we think, and it’s a fairly easy fix!); porn use to ensure that this has not sabotaged his sexuality; other psychological issues which have caused him to flee from sex; and his sexuality. Those are hard things, but it’s likely best to rule them out. And then maybe try to talk to him as I suggested in this post on communicating your needs. It does sound like there’s something up, though, and I think getting to the bottom of it is important, even if it does open a very unpleasant can of worms. Prayers for you!
It woman has to feel loved to make love- husband has to make love to feel loved ❤️
Communication with the husband or wife is so important. Each should be honest of how he/she feels about it and the other party needs to be open minded and be better individuals.
As a husband, I have learned to live with this issue. My wife will not initiate (does not feel comfortable doing this), usually is fairly passive during lovemaking. She has a low libido so sex only happens once every 3-4 weeks. Sex has to be about her otherwise sex will not happen. Since I can easily orgasm, she feels that she does not need to do much at all. I do feel bless for what we do have in our marriage bed….I know of couples who are truly sexless…
That is tough. Have you tried suggesting that you work through 31 Days to Great Sex? Or something that encourages conversation about this? She may honestly not realize what she’s missing, too. So many women are brought up to never think about sex, and they really need a switch flipped.
Yeah, same thing here (basically sexless marriage), but it starts with the fact that she has all the control on the when, where, and how, and what we do. Even once we finally have it, I do all the work. I give oral, manual, massage, etc, and I’ve never received oral, and maybe once or twice manual (for a few minutes) in 25+ years. No lingerie. No pursuit, no playfulness.
In our arguments (fights), she constant accuses that our sex life is all about me. Last time she did I shot back, “If that was true, we’d be having sex 3-4 times a week, oral all the time, lingerie, manual, fun, playfulness, and pursuit from both of us. Since NONE of that is happening AT ALL, how can it possibly be about me? In fact, its all about you – and how nothing, absolutely nothing, occurs unless you allow it. And since you allow little to nothing, thats what we have. Our sex life, or rather, our lack of a sex life, is all about you.”
I said it out of anger and frustration, and as you can probably guess was not helpful, and I do regret it (and the way I said it). Nevertheless – its still true.
As an aside, I hate the fights about it. Unlike most other couples who fight about whatever and can have “makeup sex” – what can I do? This is the only thing we fight about. You can’t have makeup sex when the fight is over sex.
So sad to hear these stories in the comments of nearly sexless marriages. Here are some things I’ve learned during our 16 year marriage (first I have to admit that my wife has a strong sex drive). There is more to sex than sexual intimacy. For example, tell your wife you love her, and tell her a lot. Your words and actions toward her will shape her into who she is. As a starter, non-sexual touching is necessary. Sometimes, simply putting my hand out as I walk past, or when she walks past, and just brush the skin on her arm, leg, neck will give her a sense that I truly love her. Don’t touch sexual parts when doing this, I’ve heard countless times that men only touch their wives when they want sex, and that is so incredibly lame to me. Touch your wife often, and NEVER use it as a tool to get sex. Give her kisses that are non-sexual, and give them often. In fact, the key to sex in my marriage is non-sexual contact, verbal encouragement, and biblical love. AND as a bonus, we have incredible, unselfish sex frequently.
This is not a one size fits all explanation of how to get good sex in marriage. In fact, this really has nothing to do with sex, and all husbands should treat their wives this way. Once your wife feels safe in your relationship, in most cases, good sex will follow.
Let me add something else. Men: Learn to pleasure your wife, and you will find that even if sex is all about her, it’s still really fun! I sure hope it’s not just me who has fun pleasuring his wife…
…I truly enjoy making it mostly about my wife. But by doing that, it’s also about me too. Sex is, in fact, a team sport!
Hi Daniel, I totally agree with you. I am a woman and all your points are exactly how I see it. Non sexual body contacts and verbal encouragement really helps me a lot , I get to know that my husband cherish me with or without sex.
Onyi, thank you. How do we get more men to understand this…??
The church teaches us that sex is wonderful in marriage. But the church doesn’t really tell us… “how to have sex” or “how to show affection to your wife”. Perhaps the ‘how to have sex’ sermon would be a little too intimate on a sunday morning… Regardless, the church should play a bigger role in educating couples on showing affection, what sex is, and how to have good sex.
The church also teaches that man is the head of the house, and I think when you couple that with a lack of education about sex, it leads to men dominating their sex life, and not taking the wife’s needs into consideration. Or worse, thinking that they are taking her needs into consideration, when in reality they are not. “Because, if she isn’t satisfied after 5 minutes of foreplay and 2 minutes of intercourse, that’s her problem.” We keep hearing in the comments on this blog that “my husband is so kind, thoughtful, and generous… in every area other than sex”. That, my friends, is not biblical. Men need to be educated on how to treat their wife… in the bed and out of the bed! I’m praying that the Lord will use me as an educator for people around me.
Oh, Daniel, I’m praying that God will use you as an educator, too! You sound like you have a great attitude.
I feel guilty of this too… mostly because I can only orgasm through oral. My husband has much higher libido that me, but I cannot give oral, I just find it too repulsive, no matter how much I want to change that… I can give him manual, but not all the way through, because it reminds me too much of masturbation. So that’s a bit of a stuck situation…
No, I honestly can’t say that it ever occurred to me that sex being about the woman’s pleasure at all, let alone “too much”, could even happen. It is entirely foreign to my experience in 10 years of marriage. I really can’t even wrap my head around what it would be like. We’re definitely in the “2 minutes and under” camp. I’ve tried to change that but without success.
I think I’m going to write a post just about that, Jo. It seems to be something that so many people are dealing with, too. And people don’t realize that that’s not normal, or not the way it’s supposed to be! Look for it soon.
Sheila, thank you for your upcoming post on this issue! I look forward to reading it. I’m very passionate about sex in marriage, and I get this feeling that SOOO many people are doing it wrong, but don’t know how to do it right.
Yes! I think so, too. It will be out on Monday!
Can you provide the post link to where you are going or have written it yet?
My struggle with this is that, when I make sex “all about him”, I get nothing but discomfort and a mess to clean up afterwards. And he? He gets to have fun, every single time. Even when he has to focus a little extra on me during certain times of the month, he ends with a bang – not cold, wet privates and a feeling of loneliness inside while his satisfied spouse snores beside him.
How is that fair? If he is the one who gets an orgasm every time no matter what, while how is that “all about me”?
Personally, for these reasons, I hate quickies. I’ve never heard of a man giving his wife a “quickie” (without any orgasm for him involved). I personally don’t think most men would. No way does it make me feel powerful, as literally any other woman in the world could give him the same pleasure, if it were biblically acceptable. Nothing “powerful” about that! It does make me feel lonely, fake, stupid and like a kitchen utensil.
Maybe I’m a little bitter, but sex does seem pretty unfair in some ways!
Dear anonymus. I understandyou anger. I did the same to my wife when we was newly wed. I believed that vas the way it was supposed to be. But one day she told me (in a strong way) that she felt NOT ok. She also got less and elss willing to have sex. Then I staryed to read about giving here plesuare. I tryed my best. Now she feel good when we have sex, I massage, kiss her all over, and try to be sensitive to her need that day. (I wish she would laso be that for me) I will recomend that you tell him how you feel and suggest what he should do. And stop him, tease him, and say that he need to do ….. before he can be pleased by you. Best of luck