When you’re a new mom, how do you keep “mommy” from taking over your identity?
We’re talking about loving your hubby this week at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and one of the best ways to do that is not to add ONE MORE THING to your to do list, but instead to do a mind shift where, even when you’re a mom, you still feel like a wife first.
And that’s so hard in the baby years!
Recently young mom Hannah Southerland sent me this awesome post about the transformation she went through as she became a mom, and I’m happy to share it with you today!
I’d been married for 8 blissful months when I was driving to work one day and thought: “It’s been awhile since I’ve had a period, maybe I should stop and get a pregnancy test.”
So there I turned into the Rite Aid I passed on my way to work and grabbed one. Holy options of pregnancy tests! I get to work and decide to put my mind at ease with a confirmed negative. But we all know how that goes, and 10 seconds later the most positive positive I could’ve ever imagined popped up on that little screen, and so began the craziest ride I have ever been on.
Here are 10 practical tips on how to keep that “new wife” feel even when you become a mom, ones I wish I would’ve known, and ones I learned along the way.
1. Realize early on that this transformation in your marriage is going to be tough.
Don’t freak yourself out about it, but you do need to realize that this is going to be the most challenging, difficult, exhausting, yet most wonderful thing you’ve ever done. Enjoy the process and the baby showers and the crazy middle of the night cravings, because you and your husband will look back on that with fondness even if you felt absolutely terrible.
2. Talk through the expectations you have of one another as parents.
If you’ve never discussed this, DO IT RIGHT AWAY, don’t assume you just know! Ask questions about his upbringing. What type of role did his mom have in the home, what did his dad take care of. Talk about your upbringing. What did you like, what do you want to change? Will you return to work, or is your dream to stay home? There is no better time than right now to discuss all of these things. But keep an open mind, some of the things you thought you were going to do may change dramatically once the baby is here. Not discussing expectations just opens the door to a lot of bitterness and resentment that totally could’ve been avoided.
3. Be intentional about date nights!
Louder for the people in the back. Be intentional about date nights! Every situation is different but I think at roughly 2 weeks post partum you should leave your baby with grandma and go out. For just 1 hour. Take a shower, put on semi normal clothes, and leave the house! It will be good for you, your marriage and ultimately good for your baby! We try to get out at least 3 times a month; if it is fewer than that we can feel the tension in our house. Date nights are rejuvenating to the soul. Go out, or you can stay home and send the baby to Grandma’s house for a few hours, just be together, uninterrupted.
4. Join a moms group.
Seriously. I had both of my boys in the dead of winter and the isolation is killer. I was overly confident at the beginning and thought my husband would be enough to fulfill all of my relational needs, and that is not the case. You need to find friends, and it’s a bonus if they are also moms that get you. Trust me. This is crucial.
5. Leave your baby with your husband and leave the house.
I get that at the beginning, especially breastfeeding moms, this is tough to do. Feed the baby, hand them over to your husband and go to the grocery store or TJ MAXX for 20 minutes! It may seem endearing at first to be the only one your baby wants, but that will be very exhausting on you and other family members who want to help out. Your husband was half of creating this precious little life and nothing is sexier than a man that can handle a poopy diaper and some spit up, amiright? If your husband texts and calls, tell him he can handle it. He’s a smart guy, he married you right? 😉
6. Routine, routine, routine.
At the 6 week age mark you should be in a pretty similar routine of bedtimes and wake up times. Bedtimes are important because when the baby goes to bed at a certain time, you and your husband are free to have a few moments to exchange some words that don’t involve, “she’s hungry, or did you remember wipes and the butt cream.” Those words aren’t sexy. Lay the baby down, and sit on the couch (not in bed or you will fall asleep) for even 15 minutes of conversation that isn’t revolving around your baby. This also includes no more chores. I exhausted myself with chore upon chore after the kids went to bed, and while I do have a few things I do in the evening, after 8pm I do not allow myself to do anymore chores. It is hubby and I time. Take a bath, read a book, or watch your guilty pleasure TV show!
7. Eat well.
Make sure you have good choices of food for yourself in the house. I took really bad of myself after my first baby and my recovery was a lot tougher, and the weight lingered on far longer than I expected it too. If you eat like junk, you’re going to feel like junk, and if you feel like junk you’re going to act like junk. It’s a bonus if you maneuver that stroller you HAD to have and get out and enjoy some fresh air and take a nice little walk. It’s good for the soul and a bonus if you drop some stubborn post baby weight!
8. Give grace freely.
This new journey you’re on is freakin’ hard! Its uncharted territory especially if this is your first baby. Kids put us in situations we never thought we’d be in, and stretch us in ways we never thought. You never realize how a 30 minute car ride could turn into a very large fight between the two of you because of the screaming and crying from the backseat. Lord help me. But don’t be overly picky and critical on your husband, he’s doing the best he can.
9. Communicate!
Communicating is more than just talking at each other. Everyone wants to be the couple that makes it. But it isn’t easy. You’ve got to keep talking, and listening and really trying to understand the other person. Moments of uninterrupted talking are going to be further and farther between now. Cherish them, and don’t take them for granted.
10. Be a wife first.
This will be the hardest thing to do as a new mom because the baby is so demanding and so very cute. If you stay home during the day try your hardest to greet your husband with a smile when he comes home, don’t bombard him with all of the things that went wrong that day. Some days I am awesome at this, but most days I fail. I am constantly trying to be better at this, but I can tell the tone of our house changes dramatically when I make sure my husband feels welcome when he comes home, and not like I just want to unload on him as soon as he walks through the door.
What are some of your best tips for new moms who are having a hard time feeling like wives again? Let’s talk about it in the comments below!
Hannah Southerland is a young mom of two little boys and a wife to one handsome man. She loves helping women in their marriages and motherhood and feels like community is the best way to make it through this crazy thing called life. She is the lover of all things coffee and chocolate. On the weekends you could find her snuggled on the couch watching “Fixer Upper,” or spending time with her family playing the very dramatic game of “Pictionary.”
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
After 4 kids I think most of these advices are good. However, couples should not forget to be themselves. For instance, we’ve never been “date night” people, and after my first child I felt pressure doing date nights to keep my marriage strong… Which was mostly boring for us 😉 but we did find ways to connect : put baby in the stroller and go for a walk, have friends over etc. Also it is important to keep a conversation going through the day (using phone and messages if necessary) and not wait for uninterrupted couple time, even for the “big talks” It sometimes takes us days to finish a conversation, but it also allows for breaks to think things through.
Yes! This is so true. We rarely go out, but a (finally) good bedtime routine means that hangouts, chatting, games and even friends can happen late evening. It used to stress me out that we weren’t “doing it right,” but we love hanging out together and have a fun and strong relationship.
But yes, really very good advice in this article. 💕
I don’t think you can blanket statement that at 2 weeks you should leave your kid for an hour. My vagina wasn’t even ready for that at 2 weeks after some children. But definitely get help with baby and have some chill time. You don’t have to do it all alone and starting with baby steps like an hour is awesome. I just don’t think at 2 weeks necessarily has to be the timeline.
Also loved what other commenters said about be yourself. If you weren’t much for date nights out before, don’t feel pressured to change now. Date nights in are great too. I think what that means is to be intentional about some time together even if for you that means it once baby is in bed and you’re between feeds, do those things that make you feel close an special as a couple.
Mb, my vagina wasn’t ready for that either. Lol and neither were my boobs. Leaving my house was not even on my radar at that point.
I read it as, an hour to go get ice cream and try to remember how to complete a sentence, NOT an hour to engage in adult bedroom activity. I don’t think anyone recommends that 2 weeks postpartum. I’m sure there are people who do it anyway, but I’m fairly certain that’s not what the OP was intending.
Lol I knew she wasn’t talking about sex and I definitely wasn’t talking about sex either. I am very much a stickler when it comes to following doctor’s orders. I simply meant that I didn’t even want to leave the house much at that point because I was still bleeding and had sore leaky breasts. I’m one of those people who prefers to be uncomfortable in the comfort of my own home.
Yeah I was by no means talking about Sex! Even just walking around for 20 minutes for me at 2 weeks caused cramping and extra bleeding. I kept over doing it with my last baby and paid for it with a way longer recovery time than I would have needed had I just sat down and let my uterus and vagina heal til 5 weeks. But I felt good so I did stuff and then couldn’t function after. And yes. My boobs definitely weren’t ready for public either. Haha. Let’s just say a milk shower for everyone….
Mb, I can totally relate to overdoing it. With my first, my husband and I traveled 5 hours to see our families after only a week postpartum… it was the worst decision I have ever made in my life. With my second, we stayed at home for his entire 2 week paternity leave and didn’t visit our parents until after a month. Just me, him and our 2 children. It was bliss. Sleep deprived bliss. But still bliss. I could breastfeed in total comfort, leave my nursing bra flaps down and waddle to the bathroom without anyone around except my husband.
I am completely on board with previous commenters about being yourself. I personally am not a 3, 4, or 5 type person. My husband and I aren’t “date night” people. We have always preferred going out in nature and exploring and hiking over the typical “going out” type dates. Or we really just enjoy hanging out at home and relaxing as a family. And taking the kids out to walk and explore with us has never put a damper on the romance and we actually really enjoy taking them on those adventures with us.
As far as moms groups I just have have never really been into them. I’m more of a few close friends type. Groups make my armpits sweat. Lol I’m an introvert and so is my husband. And I would never say that he isn’t enough to fulfill my relational needs. We actually say all the time that it would be total bliss if we could live in a really remote location someday where it could just be us most of the time. We genuinely just enjoy each other that much. Sure, I love catching up with my sisters and a few close friends from time to time, but other than that, I am set.
And leaving my kids with my husband so I can go out by myself… I personally don’t like it. And not because I don’t trust him or anything like that. I just don’t see the point. We run errands as a family and I enjoy that time out with them. Quite frankly I’d be lonely without them. And my husband helps out with the kids on a regular basis.
I’m not saying those aren’t great tips for some people and some marriages, but I wouldn’t say they apply to everyone and every marriage.
And I am personally not a fan of pressuring and encouraging new mothers to take a break from their babies and claiming that it will be good for them. Or making them feel like it is necessary. Especially as soon as 2 weeks. With my first baby, I didn’t want a break. I didn’t want one with my second either. And I actually got really annoyed when people at church started asking when they could babysit. They were well-meaning, yes, but very pushy. Not every new mother needs or wants help. I found those early days incredibly empowering and fulfilling. I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting help or wanting to go out and leave your baby with a sitter. To each their own. And I certainly think that if a woman finds herself completely overwhelmed she should ask for help immediately. I just don’t think women should feel pressured to do it when it isn’t what they want or need.
I think the number one thing to remember is that it’s temporary. Babies aren’t babies forever, so even if things feel impossible right now, give it a couple of months and things will have changed by then.
I have to keep reminding myself of that lately. Sometimes I almost feel like I need to unsubscribe from some of my favorite marriage blogs because I feel so guilty about all the ways that I’m failing at being a wife first. Trying to have my husband come home to a calm and happy house? Today three out of four kids were screaming when he walked through the door. Sigh.
We don’t exactly have babysitters lining up outside our door when we have four kids between ages eight years and 4 months, nor could we afford them even if we did. We very much so are in a “divide and conquer” season of life when it comes to parenting.
But it won’t always be like this; we’ve done this enough times now to know that it will be better when the baby is slightly older. Sometimes the best you can do is hunker down until you’ve come out of those early newborn days.
Kay, I can relate to a lot of what you said. And I have to say that I think there are a lot of misconceptions about what being a “wife first” actually looks like. There seems to be a ridiculous amount of pressure placed on couples (mostly on women) to try to make things exactly the way they were before kids. And if we can’t or don’t WANT to do that, then we are made to feel that we are somehow failing as wives. The fact of the matter is that life, marriage, and EVERYTHING changes with kids. And I honestly think couples just need to embrace that, allow themselves and their relationship to take a new shape and enjoy those changes rather than scramble to try to keep as many things as possible the way they were before. Wow, that kinda sounds like how women feel about their bodies after having children… coincidence? I think not.
And you are absolutely right. Babies aren’t babies forever. And our children will not be with us forever. Why not just focus of enjoying each season of life to the fullest while it lasts rather than lamenting over the season that has past and wishing for the next season to begin.
Lastly, I think the idea that being a mother somehow conflicts with being a wife is the real culprit here. In fact, motherhood should really compliment and enhance wifehood, in my opinion. Yes, there are women out there who ignore their marriages once children come into the picture. And THAT is wrong. But I don’t believe women should be pressured into leaving their infants or children with sitters out of fear of allowing their child to creep ahead of their husband on their list of priorities. There are plenty of ways to be intentional about the attention we give our husband WHILE we are also tending to our children. A good, consistent bedtime for our kids and working together to get the evening chores done goes a long way too. It can be date night IN every Saturday night or EVERY night for that matter.
I am a daughter of God, a wife, and a mother. In that order.
To me, being a wife before a mother doesn’t mean that I need to go out of my way to look for opportunities to leave the kids with sitters or intentionally put them beneath my husband to show him that he is important. Rather, I think that a wife and husband need to work together as parents so they have more attention and energy to give to each other when all is said and done. What you said about divide and conquer really does ring true. So in reality, does it really need to be about finding a third party to “help” us make time for the marriage? I personally think there are a lot more opportunities for growth when a couple forgoes the sitter and learns how to be creative an intentional about keeping the romance and intimacy alive. I think a lot of marriages these days could be in danger of using a sitter as a crutch rather than an occasional luxury. I personally don’t want to rely on a third party to maintain balance in my marriage. I’d much rather rely on God to show us how to keep that balance as a couple.
And Kay, the crazy house when your husband walks through the door. I totally get it. And I only have 2 so far. Lol keep your chin up and remember that being a wonderful mother/zookeeper is a very important ingredient in the recipe of being a wonderful wife.
One thing I didn’t read and that helped me tremendously: allow your husband to touch your post baby body. His hugs, embracings, touching, and rubbing. Even if you’re not sure about all the changes and are uncomfortable with the post partum belly, know he wouldn’t be doing those things if he didn’t want to. It may be a little awkward to you at first. Just embrace it!!! Allow him to treat you like his wife and break the “mommy” cycle. He believes you’re the most beautiful woman and total rockstar for bringing your baby in the world. You amaze him. Allow him to love on his amazing woman (YOU!).
You’ll be amazed at how a little TLC from your hubby will do wonders to make you feel like a wife and beautiful woman again.
I definitely agree with this long term. Unfortunately I was completely touched out when my second was born. I was dealing with PPD and a colicky baby and a two year old, and at the end of the day I would cringe if my hubby tried to touch me. That was a HARD time, when touch is his primary love language.
But like I posted above, it helps to remember that it’s temporary. Babies won’t cluster feed for five hours every night forever. And when you get there, embrace his touch. Most men love their wife’s body no matter what because of WHOSE body it is, not what it looks like. I personally felt more comfortable in my skin after motherhood, because I was blown away by what my body is capable of. Work it, girl! 😉
My husband isn’t doing those things and I’m fairly sure it’s because he doesn’t want to. I feel so low about my body post-baby, and going back to work at 12 weeks is just plain stressful. I just feel sad reading this article. Everyone’s experience seems to be that Dad is doing great, just waiting for the 6 week okay to resume activities, and he’s just waiting for his old wife. I want so badly to be treated like that old wife, but it’s like I’ve got some huge “I clean the house and watch the kids, but don’t touch me!” sign over my head. Yuck.
#11. Go to the store or whatever for half an hour with the baby so your husband can get a few minutes in his own home of peace and quiet. You ladies would be amazed how much more he will do for you and baby if he gets a breather every now and then too.
Absolutely right, Chris! I actually do this sometimes and it is a sweet gift to my husband.
I identify with what Samantha said, I did not feel the desire to get away from my newborns, it is my most favorite season of parenting it‘s the sweet season of chilled out days were nursing/eating and sleeping is all we do… why rush away from that? It‘s so short anyways…
And now with 4 kids between ages 1 and 8 forget about babysitters…. grandma can‘t handle all of them on her own, nor any other babysitter, hiring two just gets too expensive… there are other ways to stay connected as a couple. I think what matters more than the concept of date nights is being intentional about your marriage. For some couples that includes date nights, for others not.
I totally agree, Lydia purple! I didn’t want to be away from my newborns either. That is such an intense time for bonding as an entire family. Getting to know that new little human you made together is an incredible experience as a couple. And the article is about still feeling like a new wife after having a baby. Well I got pregnant after only being married for 3 months. And quite frankly I am glad I didn’t have a lengthy period in my marriage when I was “just a wife”. I think a lot of couples get very caught up in lamenting the way the marriage was before (all the freedom they had) and so they try and fail to keep things the way they were before they had kids and end up feeling like their marriage is somehow failing because it just isn’t the way it used to be. How about we change the conversation to embracing parenthood as a new and exciting adventure that couples take together rather than talking about how much it puts a damper on romance and intimacy. Does it make that stuff more challenging? Yeah. But who doesn’t love a good challenge?! It makes everything so much more rewarding when you have to work for it.
So… I’ve had five babies in the last six years. I think most of this advice is nonsense – but I understand and appreciate the heart behind it. Fertility and children are a part of God’s design for a marriage, and to treat them as if they will tear it apart is wrong, I believe. If you let them, your children can draw you closer to your husband than almost anything else in life! After all, there are few things more intimate than creating a brand new life together, and facing the joint responsibility of raising that little one for God. It’s not about Mama getting “me time”, or Daddy getting his old wife back ASAP, or getting baby on a strict sleep schedule so that the sex life doesn’t ever change. It’s about accepting the challenges, choosing (both of you choosing!) to sacrifice your selves (but not sacrificing each other – as in, don’t use post-baby stress as an excuse to put down your spouse with biting words), choosing to accept and love the changes to your life style and person instead of striving to “get back” to the old you, remembering that each phase is temporary (all teeth eventually pop through!), and taking the trouble to communicate in a loving way, no matter how hectic it gets, or how sleep deprived you are.
You will not find date nights in the Bible. You will not find sleep schedules or leaving the kids with grandma in the Bible. You will find patience, long suffering, believing the best, laying down your life for each other, not defrauding one another, etc in the Bible tho!
You can have an incredible “date night” together on the couch watching three toddlers perform tricks, while you burp the baby on one shoulder, and hold hands with your beloved. You can have deep, meaningful conversations while nursing a baby in bed, and can even have some great “fireworks” when you lay said baby down in his own bed at last.
I really, really believe that the road to peace in this is to fully embrace both roles as complimentary to each other instead of opposing each other.
I love and agree with everything you said! Except for the part about getting your kids on a sleep schedule. I personally like the word bedtime better because schedule sounds so rigid and uptight. A regular bedtime is just plain smart and necessary. Getting enough sleep is crucial for their development at every age and definitely crucial for adults as well. Having said that, I definitely don’t think there is anything wrong or unbiblical about enjoying that time just being together after the kids go to bed.
But seriously, everything else you said was spot on for how I feel too. And my husband loves our time as a family too. He always says that being home with us all is his happy place.
God Bless!
I am all for a bed time routine!! Goodness, our kids are in bed at 8:30 on the dot pretty much every night. I was more referring to the expectation that a young baby should be trained to sleep through the night so that the couples night life can remain exactly as before. I personally think that’s an unrealistic expectation for some newborns (at least it was for some of mine, and goodness knows, I tried!) and puts a bad strain on the marriage, whereas accepting the new realities of interrupted sleep can bring a lot of peace!
Got it. Lol I see what you mean now. My babies were the same. I nursed every time they woke up in the middle of the night when they were infants.
I agree with everything you said regarding accepting the new realities of having children in general. Too many parents are under the impression that they are entitled to breaks, date nights and “me time” when in reality children are 100% your responsibility 100% of the time. The mother’s and the father’s. It is totally different when you work and need a sitter or daycare. That is a necessity. Anything else is a luxury and should not be promoted as something you NEED to have or should have on a regular basis to have a happy and healthy marriage. Or for individual health and happiness for that matter. Too much advice out there is geared towards putting your marriage first by unloading the kids onto a third party when in reality we should be teaching new parents how to accept and enjoy the changes that children will bring to the marriage and how to work together to care for the kids and to just plain enjoy that time as an entire family unit. Romance and intimacy can not only survive but THRIVE with your children present.
I will end with this. I am also not fond of the advice “don’t talk about the kids” in any context. I can understand it if a couple uses conversation about the kids as a crutch to communicate at all. In other words, they literally have NOTHING else in common or to talk about. Conversation with a spouse should be effortless and if you are constantly over thinking it and trying to force yourself not to discuss the kids it may actually damage the natural flow of comfortable and effortless conversation. Talk about the kids all you want for Pete’s sake! My husband and I have a lot of belly laughs laying in bed talking about all of the ridiculous things our kids do and say.
I generally agree with y’all about the way that kids become an organic part of your life. But it is not wrong to know yourself and say “I’ll be doing better if I spend some time alone for a few minutes or an hour,” and certainly nothing wrong with allowing extended family to also be a part of your kids’ lives and possibly spending time alone while your parents hang out with your kids. Nuclear families – also not Bible culture.
Actually, Bethany, the concept of the nuclear family is what God originally intended for families (Genesis 2:24). There are several things about “Bible Culture” that do not follow God’s original design. Having multiple wives is just one popular example of that. Having said that, I do not think there is ANYTHING wrong with including extended family in your immediate family’s life. However, I think the “drop the kids off with the grandparents (or with somebody else)so we can focus on our marriage” is an incredibly unhealthy concept when it is used and abused the way that it is by a lot of married couples today. Grandparents are supposed to be just that. Grandparents. Not glorified babysitters. Not a second and third set of parents. And they definitely should not be depended upon to help keep your marriage healthy by looking after your children when it is your responsibility to take care of them WHILE ALSO maintaining a healthy marriage. Married couples should not depend on any third party this way. Children will not hinder a marriage unless you treat them like they are a hindrance.
I know my opinions may seem extreme, but I have seen A LOT of couples become way too dependant on babysitters to the point where they act like they simply can’t function without them. And I’m not talking about NEEDING a babysitter or childcare. I’m talking about couples who think they are ENTITLED to one anytime they WANT one. I think rather than encouraging new parents to take as much help, as many breaks, as much me time, and as many date nights as they possibly can, we should be encouraging them to do as many things by themselves as possible without help so they have the opportunity to learn that they CAN do it. That it is possible to care for your marriage, your children and yourself all at the same time and to do all of those things well. Children have been a part of marriage since the beginning of time afterall.
*I am not talking about extreme cases complicated by rougher than normal recovery after birth, a husband being away and unable to help his postpartum wife, or postpartum depression.
I totally agree with you! I had 8 in 12 years, and none of those years did we put ourselves before our kids. Yes, hubby and I made sure we didn’t neglect ourselves and each other, but really those are the years for our kids. The years for patience, watching goths gumnastics show in the living room, family trips to the grocery store. Those are the times we remember, and sometimes I just wish we could go back to those!
“Leave your baby with your husband and leave the house.”
Actually the best thing for me in the early days was leaving the baby with my husband and NOT leaving the house! The midwives told me I needed to have a bath every day because of infection, and some days that 20 minutes of peace and no pain was all that kept me going.
The idea of a routine at six weeks has made me laugh in a manic kind of way. My daughter did not do routines! At about six _months_, people started telling me that she was in a routine, and if I said no, they said I just couldn’t see it. So for a few weeks, I wrote down whenever she ate and slept, and I was right, she wasn’t in any kind of routine. 🙂 It probably took another year before she found her own routine, and that’s fine – we’re all different. I’m not planning another, but if I were, I’d stress less about the baby not doing what the books/websites say!