What do you do when your husband wants more sexual variety?
This week we’ve been talking about embracing your sexuality (with a little detour for some current events about sexual abuse in the church), so I thought I’d tackle the issue of what to do if your husband wants more variety in bed. I’ve had a lot of emails about it lately, and I thought I’d rerun something that I wrote a while ago that sums it all up well. The emails around sexual variety tend to go like this:
My husband wants me to do things in bed that I’d rather not. Do I really have to?
Excellent question! So let’s look at some background before I get really practical.
1. Our Bodies are Meant to be Enjoyed!
Honestly, sex is supposed to be fun. God designed us women with the clitoris, a little knobby bit of flesh that has absolutely no purpose except for making sex feel great. And the clitoris even has more nerve endings in it than the penis! So God wanted us to enjoy our husbands sexually. And to me that means there’s a lot of freedom in what we do. The body is not something that we have to be ashamed of. Many women just don’t like thinking about different body parts, and can’t say the names. Now, that’s okay. That really is. I know lots of women who can orgasm during sex but cannot actually say the words for different body parts without blushing.
But I’d encourage you to start thinking more about the wonderful body that God did give you. The whole body is holy, not just parts of it. In fact, the idea that the body was bad and the spirit was good actually came from a cult, not from Christianity. It was Christianity that brought back the idea that the body is actually something beautiful. We’re going to be resurrected with real bodies, based on these ones. God didn’t get rid of the body entirely, or make it just for this earth because He had to. He chose to give us bodies, and bodies are good.
So there is nothing wrong with having fun in bed, and there is nothing unholy about certain body parts or even certain positions. The “missionary position” is not the holy position, which God lets us do just to be nice, while He denies us everything else. In fact, many women who responded to my anonymous surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex reported that other positions actually felt physically much more satisfying to them.
That doesn’t mean that absolutely EVERYTHING you can do with your body is good or right; some of the degrading things women act out in porn are obviously not okay, and certain sexual practices (like anal sex, for instance) can lead to harmful medical problems. So I’m not saying you have to do everything. But many things that women say no to are perfectly okay!
2. We Aren’t Supposed to be Coerced in Bed
At the same time, sex isn’t supposed to be something which makes you feel uncomfortable or where you feel coerced. If you feel that your husband’s request for sexual variety is really out of sexual selfishness or something dirty or odd, you don’t have to say yes! But if you do say no, then make sure that you make the things that you do feel comfortable with really great for him.
3. We Shouldn’t Enable Any Porn Habits
If part of what your husband wants you to do is sinful in and of itself (like watching porn together), obviously you say no. And if he wants you to act out things he’s seen, be careful, because this could be solidifying some porn addiction. Sex should be something that allows you to connect spiritually and emotionally as well as physically. If you’re concentrating on more and more bizarre sexual practices, then chances are you’ve missed the aphrodisiac qualities that come from making love while you really feel spiritually connected.
4. Husbands Often Have Different Sexual Desires than We Do
Just because we shouldn’t emulate porn, though, does not mean that everything that your husband wants to do besides missionary position sex is like porn. Remember that men’s arousal works differently than ours. They tend to be more sight oriented, and so they may enjoy things where they get to see more. Different positions can also feel tighter for them, and that can be very physically pleasurable. So they may want to do more things not because they’re perverts but just because it’s really fun for them!
5. Sometimes Women Find one Way that Works and We Want to Stick With It
Let’s face it, girls: having an orgasm during intercourse isn’t the easiest thing to do. It takes a lot of concentration, total relaxation, and the right physical stimulation. Often it takes women years to be able to accomplish this (and many of you reading this haven’t yet), and when you do get it, you want to keep doing it. But since you’ve figured out the way that works for you, you may not want to try other things to mess it up!
There’s nothing wrong with one way, if it feels really good. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t use other things as foreplay!]
So with that background, assuming that the sexual variety he wants is something that you’re comfortable with, here are some practical ideas to see your sex life become ramped up:
1. Go to Bed Earlier
It sounds silly, but often the reason that we don’t want “sexual variety”–which usually involves us moving around a little bit more than we’re accustomed to–is because we’re simply tired. Don’t give your husband your leftovers. Every now and then, retire early and have fun. Or make love in the morning when you’re not tired! Remember, adults need bedtimes, too!
One woman in my survey had exactly this issue. She liked plain old missionary position sex. She tended to orgasm that way, and she liked looking into his eyes. He wanted to try a variety of positions and things and drag it out. So they would make love once her way, and then once his way. And once a month they’d also have “Fantasy Nights” where they stretched each other’s boundaries a bit–within proper limits. He was really happy, but she also got what she wanted. I think that’s a good compromise!
Read more on how “His” nights and “Her” nights can help you!
Want to try more in bed, but are you kind of embarrassed about suggesting anything in particular? Do you find it easier if you don’t have to say it out loud? Let the Ultimate Intimacy App guide you through! It’s super fun, super romantic, and super clean! I love the Intimacy “Game” which directs you to try different things for different intervals (like 2 minutes each) and gradually leads you from merely romantic things to super hot things. And it’s a wealth of information on how sex works and how to spice things up with different positions (without using erotic pictures or anything graphic).
So many of you have tried it since I talked about it, I know, and a lot of you have left some awesome comments about how fun it is. One woman wrote:
Thank you for that suggestion! We we’re both very surprised and very pleased at how much fun it is, and it wasn’t awkward!
4. Take the Initiative
Sometimes, if you’re nervous about trying something, taking the initiative helps. If you’re the one who is doing it, or you’re the one calling the shots, it may not seem quite so intimidating, silly, or far out. So if you know that your husband would like “more”, then you be the one to arrange it. Spend all day thinking about it. How can you make it really fun for both of you? And then follow through! When you take the initiative in sex and plan, you’ll likely find that you’re looking forward to it, too!
5. Frequency Matters
Finally, The Generous Husband, in post that he wrote on variety in marriage, remarked that many men would rather have plain old sex–if they could simply have it more often. So if you really find stretching your boundaries intimidating, then do what you do enjoy much more frequently! You’ll likely find your husband is very satisfied with that.
Still need help thinking through these things or talking through them with your husband?
My book 31 Days to Great Sex is perfect for that! It’s 31 days of conversations (and fun exercises! 🙂 ) that you do as a couple. And if this is something that you’ve had difficulty coming to agreement with, you’ll likely find that this book helps you to talk about it and to resolve it by showing how sex is supposed to be mutual and intimate–but also fun.
If you feel like his requests are wrong because of a porn habit, there are days that will help you talk about that. But if you’d just like to spice things up, there are days that will help you do that, too!
Check it out–-and the ebook version is only $4.99!
Let me know–has this been an issue in your marriage? How do you handle the discussion? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.