What do you do when your husband wants more sexual variety?
This week we’ve been talking about embracing your sexuality (with a little detour for some current events about sexual abuse in the church), so I thought I’d tackle the issue of what to do if your husband wants more variety in bed. I’ve had a lot of emails about it lately, and I thought I’d rerun something that I wrote a while ago that sums it all up well. The emails around sexual variety tend to go like this:
My husband wants me to do things in bed that I’d rather not. Do I really have to?
Excellent question! So let’s look at some background before I get really practical.
1. Our Bodies are Meant to be Enjoyed!
Honestly, sex is supposed to be fun. God designed us women with the clitoris, a little knobby bit of flesh that has absolutely no purpose except for making sex feel great. And the clitoris even has more nerve endings in it than the penis! So God wanted us to enjoy our husbands sexually. And to me that means there’s a lot of freedom in what we do. The body is not something that we have to be ashamed of. Many women just don’t like thinking about different body parts, and can’t say the names. Now, that’s okay. That really is. I know lots of women who can orgasm during sex but cannot actually say the words for different body parts without blushing.
But I’d encourage you to start thinking more about the wonderful body that God did give you. The whole body is holy, not just parts of it. In fact, the idea that the body was bad and the spirit was good actually came from a cult, not from Christianity. It was Christianity that brought back the idea that the body is actually something beautiful. We’re going to be resurrected with real bodies, based on these ones. God didn’t get rid of the body entirely, or make it just for this earth because He had to. He chose to give us bodies, and bodies are good.
So there is nothing wrong with having fun in bed, and there is nothing unholy about certain body parts or even certain positions. The “missionary position” is not the holy position, which God lets us do just to be nice, while He denies us everything else. In fact, many women who responded to my anonymous surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex reported that other positions actually felt physically much more satisfying to them.
That doesn’t mean that absolutely EVERYTHING you can do with your body is good or right; some of the degrading things women act out in porn are obviously not okay, and certain sexual practices (like anal sex, for instance) can lead to harmful medical problems. So I’m not saying you have to do everything. But many things that women say no to are perfectly okay!
2. We Aren’t Supposed to be Coerced in Bed
At the same time, sex isn’t supposed to be something which makes you feel uncomfortable or where you feel coerced. If you feel that your husband’s request for sexual variety is really out of sexual selfishness or something dirty or odd, you don’t have to say yes! But if you do say no, then make sure that you make the things that you do feel comfortable with really great for him.
3. We Shouldn’t Enable Any Porn Habits
If part of what your husband wants you to do is sinful in and of itself (like watching porn together), obviously you say no. And if he wants you to act out things he’s seen, be careful, because this could be solidifying some porn addiction. Sex should be something that allows you to connect spiritually and emotionally as well as physically. If you’re concentrating on more and more bizarre sexual practices, then chances are you’ve missed the aphrodisiac qualities that come from making love while you really feel spiritually connected.
4. Husbands Often Have Different Sexual Desires than We Do
Just because we shouldn’t emulate porn, though, does not mean that everything that your husband wants to do besides missionary position sex is like porn. Remember that men’s arousal works differently than ours. They tend to be more sight oriented, and so they may enjoy things where they get to see more. Different positions can also feel tighter for them, and that can be very physically pleasurable. So they may want to do more things not because they’re perverts but just because it’s really fun for them!
5. Sometimes Women Find one Way that Works and We Want to Stick With It
Let’s face it, girls: having an orgasm during intercourse isn’t the easiest thing to do. It takes a lot of concentration, total relaxation, and the right physical stimulation. Often it takes women years to be able to accomplish this (and many of you reading this haven’t yet), and when you do get it, you want to keep doing it. But since you’ve figured out the way that works for you, you may not want to try other things to mess it up!
There’s nothing wrong with one way, if it feels really good. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t use other things as foreplay!]
So with that background, assuming that the sexual variety he wants is something that you’re comfortable with, here are some practical ideas to see your sex life become ramped up:
1. Go to Bed Earlier
It sounds silly, but often the reason that we don’t want “sexual variety”–which usually involves us moving around a little bit more than we’re accustomed to–is because we’re simply tired. Don’t give your husband your leftovers. Every now and then, retire early and have fun. Or make love in the morning when you’re not tired! Remember, adults need bedtimes, too!
2. Have “His” and “Her” Nights
One woman in my survey had exactly this issue. She liked plain old missionary position sex. She tended to orgasm that way, and she liked looking into his eyes. He wanted to try a variety of positions and things and drag it out. So they would make love once her way, and then once his way. And once a month they’d also have “Fantasy Nights” where they stretched each other’s boundaries a bit–within proper limits. He was really happy, but she also got what she wanted. I think that’s a good compromise!
Read more on how “His” nights and “Her” nights can help you!
3. Try a Super Fun App
Want to try more in bed, but are you kind of embarrassed about suggesting anything in particular? Do you find it easier if you don’t have to say it out loud? Let the Ultimate Intimacy App guide you through! It’s super fun, super romantic, and super clean! I love the Intimacy “Game” which directs you to try different things for different intervals (like 2 minutes each) and gradually leads you from merely romantic things to super hot things. And it’s a wealth of information on how sex works and how to spice things up with different positions (without using erotic pictures or anything graphic).
So many of you have tried it since I talked about it, I know, and a lot of you have left some awesome comments about how fun it is. One woman wrote:
Thank you for that suggestion! We we’re both very surprised and very pleased at how much fun it is, and it wasn’t awkward!
Check it out here! Or read my more thorough review of this amazing app for your sex life!
4. Take the Initiative
Sometimes, if you’re nervous about trying something, taking the initiative helps. If you’re the one who is doing it, or you’re the one calling the shots, it may not seem quite so intimidating, silly, or far out. So if you know that your husband would like “more”, then you be the one to arrange it. Spend all day thinking about it. How can you make it really fun for both of you? And then follow through! When you take the initiative in sex and plan, you’ll likely find that you’re looking forward to it, too!
5. Frequency Matters
Finally, The Generous Husband, in post that he wrote on variety in marriage, remarked that many men would rather have plain old sex–if they could simply have it more often. So if you really find stretching your boundaries intimidating, then do what you do enjoy much more frequently! You’ll likely find your husband is very satisfied with that.
Still need help thinking through these things or talking through them with your husband?
My book 31 Days to Great Sex is perfect for that! It’s 31 days of conversations (and fun exercises! 🙂 ) that you do as a couple. And if this is something that you’ve had difficulty coming to agreement with, you’ll likely find that this book helps you to talk about it and to resolve it by showing how sex is supposed to be mutual and intimate–but also fun.
If you feel like his requests are wrong because of a porn habit, there are days that will help you talk about that. But if you’d just like to spice things up, there are days that will help you do that, too!
Check it out–-and the ebook version is only $4.99!
Let me know–has this been an issue in your marriage? How do you handle the discussion? Let’s talk in the comments!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
The point of sex is to connect. Variety is great, but nothing makes me more connected to my wife than sex, whether it is adventurous or not. Sheila has it right; more frequency is more important than gymnastics (and to be blunt, I doubt the garbage depicted in TV shows could happen in real life). I would much rather know my wife is secure and comfortable than make her feel like she is not enough.
Being adventurous when kids are home is almost impossible, especially when they are older. While verbal expressions will dramatically increase passion when the house is empty, it will dramatically increase the paranoia of being heard when there are others at home. Also, the secular world has destroyed the pleasure of words during intimate times. Words that I consider beautiful have been so misused that they have become offensive and a turn off for my wife.
We do a lot of changing around during each session. We typically do one or two things that work for me and the same for him. I could see how people could get in a rut of doing what works, but honestly, I know that was is *great* for him is not that great (read: just not as simulating) for me, so I imagine that what is *great* for me is just not that great for him as well.
And, if you only do what you know works, what if you’re missing something that might work GREAT but you’re too stuck to try?
Great point, KJ! When you do know what works well, it honestly is okay to do that a lot. But leave some time to experiment a bit, too, even if it’s just once a month or something. Great is fine, but don’t be afraid to try new things!
Yes! I feel like frequency is much more important! It might even be that husbands ask for more variety because they feel like if they stumble on something their wife likes then maybe she’ll want to have sex more! …Or it could be that he’s just not satisfied enough and thinks exciting new things will satisfy him. Either way, it seems increasing frequency would solve both of those issues.
Mikayla, I wonder if you’re on to something here: ” if they stumble on something their wife likes then maybe she’ll want to have sex more!”
I , too, would give up the variety I want for increased frequency.
Strangely or not, I would also be fine with low frequency if there was an increase of variety (or ANY variety in my case)
Unfortunately I find there is a direct connection between frequency and variety for the low-libido/sexless partner. That is, if they want low frequency they also want low variety, and quite frankly don’t want either the increase or change in either frequency or variety.
The fact is if they don’t care about the frequency, they care even less about variety. In fact, I find they RESIST variety, as that could possibly lead to desire for more frequency, so that is an absolute no-go.
I’m afraid, John, that your last paragraph may be far too close to the truth! Oh, dear.
John, I would suggest rocking your wife’s sexual world so hard that all she wants to do is have sex… so to speak.
In other words; Up your game! If you make it your goal to figure out how to give her an orgasm each and every time you make love (multiple-O should be possible, but start with 1)… she will want more frequency.
Thanks for the reply, but I am afraid you have no idea or concept of how low libido partners are and what those of us stuck in sexless marriages deal with.
I have, and do, “rock her world” everytime we do have sex. I do the romance, the massages, the attention, and I always make sure she goes first, without fail. The problem is, she is completely fine with being “rocked” (in the simplest way possible) every other month, and thats it. 6 times or less a year. Preferrably less, according to her.
Here is a literal quote from her: “I do like it and enjoy it, and you do a good job, but I just dont need it at all. If I could never have it again, it just wouldnt matter to me, so you should respect my feelings on not doing it that much.”
You can imagine how crushing that is. And its insulting to those of us married to sexless partners to say “if only you did a better job they would change completely”, because in most cases, their lack of libido is NOT our fault. No matter what we do, or say, or act, or romance, or pursue, or woo, or anything, none of it matters or will change anything at all, because “thats just they way they are “
John – I really hate that for you bud. It is hard for me to relate to what you must deal with on that yet I can tell you that I understand what you are saying big time on a certain level. With all the crap I have dealt with in my life the only answers I have ever come up with are answers that come from persistsnce and as they say “no way through but through”. Prayin for you and your wife – brother.
My “+1” comment just got rejected for “not being useful”. John, you are not alone. We are in the same boat. Daniel, would you advise a higher drive wife in the same way? Would you say to a higher drive wife “look lady, maybe your husband doesn’t want to sleep with you because your terrible in bed?” I don’t think so dude.
Chris; Being a man, I most likely wouldn’t say that to a woman. And I didn’t tell John he was terrible in bed. Did I? However, your hypothetical situation is a possibility, and probably a reality for some people. We are complicated creatures who have complicated desires and needs. It’s entirely possible that a man or woman doesn’t give their spouse good sex… is it not? And if that’s the case…. Wouldn’t you want to know? Shouldn’t you want to know? I don’t know any of you, so I’m not saying this is the case for you. But each of us has to consider these things… and so many other things.
How dare us husbands be so bold as to think we are showing our wife perfect love and giving her perfect sex! Show me someone with a perfect sex life, and I promise that it can get better for that couple.
If a husband or wife has hard feelings or resentment, or shame, or hurt, or mistrust, or any number of emotions, sexual and emotional freedom will be difficult or impossible. Sexual and emotional health are connected and required for women to be free in sex.
John; Are you open to further discussion? I have many thoughts on the matter… I would hate to be the guy who could have helped… but didn’t.
If I may be allowed to comment. I am a very low, if not nonexistent libido wife. My sex drive (or lack there of) has Nothing to do with my husband. Sex can be wonderful and orgasms great, but they have never increased my desire to be sexual. That is a mental decision for me, not at all a physical urge ,need, or want. Just because something feels good doesn’t make you want it.
I think that concept is hard for men to grasp. Sexual response and sexual desire are two different things.
My prayers to you. Low libido isn’t easy to deal with.
Kim, you’re right. It really is a mental thing. I hope you’re able to start mentally looking forward to it more!
I apologize, sir.
I applaud you on your diligence, and truly do feel for you. I was hoping that my comment would help, not hinder your day.
Though I didn’t communicate if very well, or completely, Sheila’s comment on Kim’s comment below is based on the same hope I was trying to send you. She says: ” I hope you’re able to start mentally looking forward to it more!”
I wish I would have been able to fully translate that into my original message, because that is what I had in mind.
John:
You took my thoughts and feelings from my mind as if you are clairvoyant!
My wife has gone to be with the Lord now but I still torture myself with why she was like that! We were married 46 years, six months and 21 days. It was never in her ability to do anything but lay there. No variety the whole marriage. Missionary sex every time! I came to hate it!
My wife had a severe stroke in 2002 and there was no sex for 3+ years while she recovered but she was never the same mentally and only got worse about sex. I stopped even trying to be intimate with her early in 2006. She passed away Sep 2017. I have not been intimate with a woman for 15+ years and I miss it every day! Not just the sex. She never hugged me, kissed me, said I love you, etc. It was my job to initiate and to give her pleasure without getting anything in return except my orgasm. And I buried my nose in book after book learning all I could about how to give her pleasure. She would always have one orgasm from oral sex and many times she had multiple orgasms before anything else happened. She even learned how to squirt while my tongue was taking care of her.
It got to the point where I could no longer give myself to her because there was nothing returned to me.
And now that I am a widower, I even hesitate to entertain another relationship from the fear that I am so mentally abused that I could never give myself to another woman fearing that I would unconsciously choose another woman like my wife! And that would devastate me!
It’s been almost a year since my wife passed away and I eventually want to find someone to share the time I have left, but am afraid that I could not ever allow another woman to get that close to me emotionally.
Sad, but true at least for the immediate future. I am a Christian and my nightly prayer includes asking Him to send me someone so that I do not live the rest of my life alone and that I will know when we meet that she is the one.
I am 67 years old and married only once. I pray for a woman who is a Christian, 60 years of age or older, the wife of one man who is now widowed. Following the principles laid out in the bible!
I am struggling to comment here today just because I know there’s a ton of folks who read here who struggle with sexless marriage. I will however say that by the grace of God my marriage and my sex life has been repaired to the point where I really don’t have a complaint What I find interesting in the comments here today is they Are focused on personal preferences and while I certainly have my personal preferences here’s what I see with regards to what sex is in my marriage today. Frequency and variety certainly have their priorities in my personal list my wife has given Beyond giving. But for me sex is more about being desired then anything else I chase my wife that’s what I do it’s always been that way. I know that makes her feel desired and she’s told me so she loves it. However, for me initiative would be variety. I am the primary initiator of sex in our marriage. When my wife accepts my invitations that’s a form of her desire which I am grateful for. however if she initiated like hey let’s go now that would mean much more to me. It would just fill me up . that just doesn’t happen so much In our marriage. We’ve gone over this a lotAt this point she said it has nothing to do with our past however just is what it is but For me that’s just the ultimate way she could show her desire for me
I am another who prefers frequency over variety. I would also say that I prefer passion over frequency. Maybe some men are asking for more variety due to the lack of their spouse’s passion. They are hoping some variety in the marriage bed would spark more passion from your wife. What do other readers think?
I agree with this. For my husband and I, adding more variety in bed and making a “nothing off limits” agreement added more passion that we both needed. It’s so hard when both partners don’t agree to this. But any wives reading this…. there’s nothing “ungodly” about giving your husband, the man who is wanting and willing to show his love and passion for you in many different ways a full access pass to your body. Marriage is about meeting each other’s needs, it’s not about your mood at the moment. If you don’t believe me, try it and see how it works out for your marriage.
‘But any wives reading this…. there’s nothing “ungodly” about giving your husband, the man who is wanting and willing to show his love and passion for you in many different ways a full access pass to your body. ‘
I wonder what would happen if all wives gave their husbands a “full-access pass” to their bodies? I suspect it would be amazing, but will never happen because most wives are afraid to trust their husbands.
I am a wife who wishes her husband wanted to try something new or could do sexy talk or initiate sex in a way which makes me feel truly desired. Any innovations such as different positions or toys have been down to me to research and suggest. I am grateful that he doesn’t reject my ideas and is willing to try things but get a bit wistful when I think about how I would love to be romanced and seduced.
Sheila,
I feel very confused on a specific topic….anal sex. I feel like this is one topic that Christians have a strong opinion on…is it wrong to be manually stimulated in this way? Is it wrong to have your husband use this area to become aroused? In all honesty, after five kids, the areas that need stimulation are somewhat different than before 5 kids. My husband likes the idea of anal sexual every once in a while…and it’s not like we completely ever go al the way with this method, but he is highly aroused. I’m so confused?!??
Anonymous; I don’t think there is anything ‘wrong’ with anal sex… However, if it hurts you, or you don’t enjoy it… maybe it’s not a good thing. On the other hand, if, and only if, you like, he likes it, and there is no pain, then… I don’t think it’s wrong. There may be other health issue to consider, so you might check this out online to make sure it’s ‘healthy’.
I’ve found that one of the reasons I like variety is the same reason that having other new good experiences is fun – it creates a memory, an experience, something to look forward to, talk about, look back on with my husband. In a lot of ways, thinking and talking about new things to try or to do does a lot for our friendship, our sense of shared adventure, and (especially now that we have kids) a sense of shared insider knowledge in our relationship.
I don’t know what I’m allowed to say, but as an older woman (near the end of menopause) I really like oral sex.
When I was younger, “missionary position” was great. But as I’ve aged, I just wasn’t as responsive or sensitive as I used to be. I started to wonder if it was my libido…and I started to lose hope.
One night in a hotel room, my husband surprised me with oral sex. At first I was uncomfortable, but I let him try. I didn’t expect anything, but I quickly had an orgasm and it was great. We have done it frequently ever since. Now it’s my preferred method. I have a higher percentage of orgasms now than I did when I was in my 20’s and 30’s.
So be willing to try something new. You might find something wonderful.
And for the wives who wish their husbands would initiate something new? Just tell him what you want. (I know it’s embarrassing the first 2 or 3 times, but you’ll get used to it.) Now I tell him *what* I want, and he tells me *when.*
This article really stood out to me and I had hoped it would help me with my situation, but alas, my marriage seems to be a minority. I am the one who desires more variety in our sex life while my husband likes it just the way it is. He likes 3 positions and that is it. I have to beg to GIVE him oral (because it is a crazy turn on for me and I love it!), never gives me oral, and he feels why try other positions when he is happy with our 3: me on top (his favorite), missionary, and “doggy” (only when I beg for it). We only do it at night before bed, only on our bed, no where else. Morning sex is just a fantasy for me. He feels he is very happy and in love with me even if we don’t have sex and I love him deeply and am insanely attracted to him, especially since he is an absolute God send as a husband and father… except I am the sexual one in the relationship. He never lacks in being affectionate verbally or caressing me all day. He really is almost perfect! Just… isn’t interested in exploring anything sexually. And that makes it tough for me because I want to spice things up a bit every now and then…
I love your blog Sheila and as a woman who still hasn’t discovered what all the fuss is about 27 years and counting … (although I pray daily that I will learn to enjoy the act and discover God’s intent)
Frequency is not an issue in our household 5 to 6 times a week is normal and has been all our married life. My question out of curiosity is that normal ?? I always thought it was until I started reading your blog and other places …
Hi Anon! I guess it depends how you define normal. I’m not really sure that it matters a whole lot what everyone else does. I think it matters what’s good in your marriage.
I would say the average is 1-2 times a week, but about 42% make love less than once a week, according to my surveys. I think healthy is around 3 maybe? But it depends on the couple!
If you really haven’t discovered what all the fuss is about…oh, dear. I hope you can soon!
Well, I hope I can make up for in frequency what I lack in variety, because honestly, everything except missionary position either downright hurts me or is pretty uncomfortable – like, I can bite my lip and put up with it for a couple minutes, but no more. And then I wonder, why in earth would he keep wanting to do something he knows is so uncomfortable for me? Sometimes I think men just don’t understand, because sex has never ever been painful or even uncomfortable for them, and has never failed to give them pleasure, how hard it can be for a woman who has “been betrayed” so to speak by this supposedly intimate and amazing act. Past negative experience can make it really hard to get excited about trying new things – especially since he gets a big bang every time anyway.
Anyway. It’s a struggle.:|
Maybe trying something new looks like different foreplay and not sex positions. You could also add variety other ways like turning lights on if you keep them off or off if you keep them on. Maybe playing music, or talking while you have sex, or trying out a new outfit or fragrance. I agree, you should help your husband understand that different positions hurt, and that you’d rather try something else.
It shouldn’t hurt. If it keeps hurting I’d check with a doctor. It could be the thing Sheila talks about or you are not sufficiently lubricated, which happens the older you get. If we don’t get me ready long enough the friction hurts.
I also know some positions hurt in the past and that makes me tense. I do know that the muscles in this area need to relax to not hurt. I found that the more I relax and enjoy it the more willing I am to do it.
I’ve been there, too! I had vaginismus at the beginning of my marriage, and I’m thinking of doing a course on it soon. Do read some of these posts on vaginismus and see if you recognize yourself in them. And then seek out a physiotherapist, because there is help out there!
I think variety keeps you from sex becoming routine. Ultimately, some variety can lead to great intimacy, because it makes you think through what you are doing. Great post.