Sex should last longer than two minutes.
I seriously hope that’s not a newsflash for any of you, but I’m afraid that many people don’t know how long sex should last.
Every Monday I like to post a reader question that I receive, and this week’s is courtesy of a conversation I had while giving a Christian marriage conference recently. A lovely woman, who had likely been married at least 20 years, wanted to know if there was anything medically she could do about her low libido. She just didn’t enjoy sex, and never desired it. Her husband could bring her to orgasm manually, but sex never did a thing for her, and she wondered if a doctor could help.
As I talked to her about things that might be lowering her libido, the real problem eventually became clear. It turns out that in their marriage, sex only lasted two minutes. She didn’t have time for it to feel good! No wonder she didn’t enjoy sex or particularly want sex.
But what was even worse, to me, was that she didn’t know that this was abnormal.
That’s a problem, isn’t it? We just don’t talk about the specifics of sex very much with our friends (and honestly, I’m not sure what such conversations would be like, anyway), but that means that when something is wrong, we’re not always aware of it. I’ve written about some huge moral red flags when it comes to sex, but what about when things just aren’t functioning properly, and you have no way of realizing that? I’ve talked to some women, too, where sex didn’t work because he never had an erection, but neither of them had the language to describe what was wrong.
So today I’d just like to say, loudly and clearly, sex should last longer than two minutes!
Now, when you’re first married, many men won’t have a lot of self-control. And, in general, the older men get, the longer they’re able to last.
Studies have shown that men can reach orgasm through intercourse in as little as two minutes, on average, whereas women take closer to twenty.
But just because men can reach orgasm in two minutes doesn’t mean that sex needs to be over in two minutes.
And this is what I really want to stress today!
When we have no language to talk about sex, then the only way we know what sex is supposed to be like is through our own personal experience. So if you’re a man getting married, and you have intercourse, and it feels really good, and it’s over in two minutes, you likely think, “that’s what’s supposed to happen if sex feels good!” So when your wife doesn’t find sex satisfying, well, then there must be something wrong with her. Because if sex feels good, shouldn’t it end quickly?
And because men’s sexual response is often quite obvious and relatively simple to achieve, then men’s experience of sex tends to be taken as “the standard”, and women are somehow supposed to catch up. I’ve written before about why women’s sexual pleasure matters, but in fact, we aren’t really taught that women don’t respond to sex in the same way, and do need more foreplay and do need more TIME.
Can a husband make himself last longer to give his wife more time during intercourse?
Some may not be able to, if they honestly are suffering from premature ejaculation. Premature ejaculation occurs when men reach climax with minimal stimulation, long before they wish to. Up to 30% of men suffer from this, and for many, two minutes would even be a long time! They often climax with any stimulation at all.
What can you do to deal with premature ejaculation?
Wear a condom
A condom can reduce sensation and allow men to go longer.
Practice the stop and start technique
Get used to understanding the body’s cues, when you’re getting ready to climax. When climax is near, stop the stimulation, but continue to stimulate her (either orally or manually). Then you can resume. With practice, many men are able to train their bodies to last longer than before.
Have her be on top
Men seem to have less of a problem with premature ejaculation if they are not the ones on top, so try switching it up!
Try some gels or creams
Talk to the doctor about some gels or creams that can reduce sensation or numb certain areas (I wouldn’t want to do this, but apparently it can help!)
Try some medication
One of the side effects of many antidepressants is that they inhibit libido and orgasm. For those who reach orgasm too quickly, then antidepressants can be prescribed. Since neurotransmitter problems have been linked to premature ejaculation, antidepressants which regulate these neurotransmitters can actually work well. This would be my last ditch option, though, and I’d make sure you were on a minimum dosage first. Antidepressants aren’t kind drugs, and I’m reluctant to use them if you don’t absolutely need them!
Most men for whom sex doesn’t last long, however, don’t have premature ejaculation. They just don’t know how to be good lovers.
And so let me give you one tried and true technique that almost every man who makes sex last longer uses:
Instead of focusing on your own pleasure, focus on hers.
This is what I was talking about in last week’s post about how the different sexes were designed. As I said in that post,
- If a husband concentrates on his wife, sex lasts longer and both receive a lot of pleasure.
- If a wife concentrates on her husband, sex often is shorter and only he tends to receive pleasure.
Men, here’s what you do: when you’re making love, don’t think about what you’re feeling. Instead, study her. What does she respond to more? What angle obviously works better for her? Does she like you touching here or there? Get used to reading her body’s cues, and then you’ll also know when she’s getting closer to orgasm and when you can start to let yourself focus on pleasure, too.
Yes, some guys joke about having to picture dead puppies or saying the multiplication tables in their head to make them last longer, but I think focusing on her is likely the best route (unless that is also too arousing!).
If you try focusing on her, wearing a condom, and the stop and start technique, and he still lasts only a few seconds or minutes, please see the doctor, because other treatments are available and you likely are suffering from actual premature ejaculation.
But many people, I believe, have never really been taught how to give each other sexual pleasure. My book 31 Days to Great Sex takes couples step-by-step through exercises that do indeed open the door to discovering what feels good to each other, and with understanding how to give her sexual pleasure, and I’d highly recommend it to this couple (and, indeed, the woman did purchase it!). Please take a look at it.
Let me leave you with one more thought, from the New Zealand band Flight of the Conchords:
This is hilarious But f this song is a documentary about your marriage, rather than a satire, that’s not okay. Seek some help! Because it seriously can get better.
Let me know: have you ever had to deal with something like this in your marriage? Or were there basic things about sex that you didn’t know because you had nothing to compare it with? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
As someone who has PE, and does everything he can to make sure his wife orgasms before he does, let me just say one thing: Having sex 6 times a year or less does not help.
Totally true, John. And that’s another thing I was going to say–if you can give him a “quickie” earlier in the day, sex can often last longer later. But if you’re chronically sex starved, it certainly will not help anything, and will likely just cause a vicious downward spiral for your sex life. I’m so sorry.
This is awesome! I am newly married, almost exactly 3 months ago, and I keep reminding myself: WE HAVE A LIFETIME TO FIGURE THIS OUT. He can make me orgasm relatively easily manually. We actually figured that out just a week ago, on accident – haha! We have yet to have intercourse because I have previous medical trauma (mom thought I had ovarian cysts and I had an internal exam at 12 years old and have never, ever used a tampon to this day – ugh!). But I manually stimulate him (digitally and orally) and we usually have a great time with that. However, like I said, we’re 3 months in, often fooling around every night so that’s almost 90 times, and JUST realized I can orgasm if I am positioned a certain way. BUT I still take the typical 20 minutes, rather than his two (which is super accurate!). I am trying to figure out ways to tell him (and I have to chide myself when I’m coy with him, instead of just telling him straight up) that I need more foreplay to “get there” than he does. He is beginning to understand and I keep reminding myself that it’s a marathon, not a sprint, and that we have YEARS to learn about each other. Marriage is such a wonderful thing – and I know many on here are 5, 10, 20 years into it and just reading stuff like this now – but I do truly believe it’s meant to be a beautiful thing! Thanks for the post!
Glad you found it helpful! And you do have a lifetime for this journey!
Just a thought about the trauma you went through (and I am SO, SO sorry about that! That’s terrible!). If you’re having trouble with tightness and with your muscles seizing up so that you can’t handle penetration (even with tampons), it may be a good idea to see a physiotherapist who specializes in pelvic floor issues, as well as a counsellor who can help you deal with the trauma. You totally CAN get over this. And there are people who are trained in helping you, because a lot of people have these issues. You aren’t alone! I just wanted to give you that assurance today. I’m glad you commented!
Hey Sheila – So as a recovering sex addict I experienced issues of the sort when I finally started to recover. Most men don’t like to talk about it for sure. However, It was a problem I didn’t like and knew it certainly wasn’t ideal for my wife but none the less it was a problem and I had to deal with it. Essentially I had to relearn how to have sex like I was a teenager in a 30 year old body. One tip that I found somewhere that went along with all the suggestions given in the post is actually squeezing the base of the penis when near orgasm to prevent premature ejaculation. I honestly am not so into sharing this and maybe even a little TMI coming from me and wished you had that on on your list so I didn’t have to share it….quite honestly I wouldn’t mind taking my picture down for this comment lol…but hey…I am just sharing what worked for me with hopes someone else can use it to improve their life. I had to combine all the methods suggested in the post along with that method. It took a fair amount of time to progress. It did not cure itself over night. Seems to me it is a thinking problem more than a physical problem. ( Note – interestingly I wrote I had to relearn how to have sex like a teenager. (Teenagers have sex) That sentence tells the story of how 15 years later I still struggle with how I used to think even though I don’t agree with that thinking today. I left that in my comment just so people could see it) Grace and I totally enjoyed the video this morning. I have a line I love to use and do so often when I am working on something and you got that feeling it is going to work or it starts working. It comes from the movie Saving Private Ryan. I say “WE’RE IN BUSINESS! Pretty funny. Have a good day.
Hi Phil! I think many people do need to relearn sex. That’s certainly the case after viewing porn. I’m not sure porn was an issue with this couple, though. Sometimes it seriously is just lack of information! But I do think that most people who have this issue do struggle with pornography, and there are things that you can do to help!
Yeah Sheila – understood on the lack of information peice. I was just trying to relate to the short stamina issue with my own story with hopes it may help someone. Thanks
I thought for years that I should be ready to go in 10 minutes or less, so I cannot imagine what your poor reader felt like that she should be ready in 2. Wowsers! Talk about a painful nightmare.
What finally changed everything for me was talking to someone who was brave enough to talk about sex from a positive, enjoyable viewpoint. There aren’t many people like that. So I’m thankful I found them.
Johanna, I think one of the saddest things of all is the fact that the only people who seem “brave” enough to talk about sex openly are the people out there who are getting it WRONG. Various forms of media, porn and those who support it, the crude men and women we work with, and (heaven help us all) teenagers and other unmarried young people who treat sex like a hobby. Because these people make up the majority of people talking about sex, people assume that talking about sex in general is a crude and undignified thing. I really hope blogs like this one can help to change the way people not only view sex but the way people view TALKING about sex. Because I think the people who are getting it right really need to start sharing the wealth to help combat all the “junk sex” promoted by the media.
Amen!
So glad you did, too! But no wonder she didn’t really enjoy sex. I just found it sad because she thought she needed help from a doctor for HER problem.
Sheila, when it comes to intercourse there is no such thing as HIS problem or HER problem. There is only THEIR problem. Just a thought.
I would agree on the whole, Chris. The problem comes, I think, in that sometimes the solution lies very much in one person’s hands. If it’s truly premature ejaculation, for instance, she can’t do anything about it until he’s willing to get help. If the problem is low testosterone (for either party), it can’t be fixed until the one suffering seeks help.
And that’s where the problem lies. If it’s just a “we need to learn to do this better”, then that’s something both can work on together. But it’s very difficult in a marriage where the only way forward is if one person does something, and that person refuses to talk about it or take action. That’s super hard!
Sheila, I can’t help but feel frustrated for you every time you do an article focusing on one sex or the other doing something wrong. Rather than acknowledging the fact that both sexes get things wrong at times, there will always be members of the sex you are addressing who point the finger at the opposite sex and more or less say, “but they are worse” or, “I have it worse!” I really hope what I am about to say doesn’t come off the wrong way, but I often wonder how a person comes to be married to a person who make them so bitter and unhappy. And I do start asking questions like, “how well do people actually get to know a person before they marry them?” And yes, there are always things we learn about a person after marriage. We tend to be on our best behavior for the majority of the time while we are dating. But do people talk anymore? Are people just not honest when they are dating? Do they ever talk about anything serious? I know there are incredibly deceptive and manipulative people out there in our world, but I’d truly like to believe that the majority of marriages aren’t plagued by these types of people (and I honestly pray for the marriages that are). But it honestly seems like an awful lot of people go into marriage and are completely blindsided by some really flawed and abrasive personalities. And I honestly believe that sex is never the actual issue, but a casualty of the real issue/issues. Do people just ignore issues before marriage hoping they will resolve themselves after marriage, or are people just getting really good at hiding what they are really like? I honestly wonder these things. And I don’t mean to be harsh, but I wish people who complained about their spouse’s issues would be honest about whether or not they knew what kind of person they were getting before they got married. If they didn’t know, then I truly feel sorry for them. But if they did know, then they really have to be willing to work with the hunk of marble they chose.
Samantha, I have to admit that I laughed at your comment quite a bit! I just read it out loud to my daughter Rebecca who is walking her dog and she totally agrees.
Here’s her theory: The whole meme that “marriage is hard work” can backfire, because then when you’re dating and it’s hard work, you assume that this is just the way things are.
But honestly–it is hard to develop habits that help you not be selfless. But marriage, in and of itself, is not really that much work for me and Keith, because we’ve worked on good habits.
I do think that there are some sex issues that people just can’t know beforehand. My theory is that if you’re not struggling to withstand sexual temptation before you’re married, that’s a big red flag. And there may be hidden porn use that people just don’t know about (with either gender, not just men). But on the whole, I do fear that people just don’t know each other well beforehand.
One of the biggest areas I actually see this with, especially in the comments section, has to do with work. Somebody will marry someone with no work ethic, who has never held a job, and then be blindsided when the person is quite content to not work and not do much of anything else, either. If they didn’t work beforehand, and you married them anyway, you’re kinda stuck I think. Super sad, and a waste of a life, but let’s pay attention to red flags! Please! That’s what I was trying to do in this post as well on how to prepare for marriage, not just the wedding. Like, get to know each other and see those red flags! Because you’re right–I keep hearing from person after person in dire straits, and I think, “did they not see any of this beforehand?”
Anyway, all that to say that I just said to Becca, “maybe we should take her comment and make it into a post!” 🙂
Oh Sheila, I totally agree about the red flags! And I do honestly believe that people just don’t talk enough let alone talk about serious stuff as much as they should when they are dating and when they are married. To make a long story short, my husband told me about his struggles with lust and porn before we got married. And he made that decision to tell me on his own. I knew him very well at that point. We were friends for a lot of years before we dated. Was it still a risk to marry someone who was still struggling with that kind of stuff? Absolutely. But I love and respect my husband for allowing me to decide beforehand if I wanted to take that risk or not. And I looked at the “whole picture” before I took that risk. I couldn’t have done that with someone I didn’t know so well. It was still very risky though. And if things didn’t get better, I would have had to accept the fact that I made the choice to be in that situation and I wouldn’t have had the right to complain.
I’m very happy and blessed to say that even though the first 4 years were rough, things did get better and we are currently enjoying the blessings and joys of marriage and friendship to the fullest. And it really doesn’t feel much like work at all anymore because we were both willing to do the hard work (and to work with God!) to get to this point. And we talked. We talked so much. And we still talk.
I’m really sorry for going off topic. It just really blows my mind that some married couples really don’t seem to know each other all that well and some really don’t seem to be too thrilled with the person they CHOSE to spend the rest of their life with.
And I do agree with Rebecca that a lot of people are misguided about what “marriage is hard work” actually means. It doesn’t mean that you are constantly fighting and butting heads or hurting each other’s feelings. Those things will happen, yes. But if your arguments never bring about any real positive changes in one or the other person then that is the biggest red flag of all. A person who seems unwilling to change before marriage will not magically become the most pliable person ever once you get married. If anything they will become even more resistant to change because now they have you in their clutches!
Sheila, I really wish there was a way to reach the younger generations about what real marriage and sex is like and what it should be about. To catch them as young as high school would be the best. And if anyone argues that that is too young, well the media and porn are out thereally teaching them the wrong things much younger than that.
Hi Samantha! I can see your frustration with reading a post that seems to point to one of the genders, and major kudos for taking the responsibility to say “I married this one!” and not blame other things. On the flip-side, though, I’d like to add my 2 cents…
I’m really glad Sheila posted this, because this is definitely the issue with me and the hubs. He was with 7 (yes, seven) different girls before we met, and started dating at 13, so by the time we got married in our mid-twenties, I was a full 10 years behind him in experience (and before we met, he struggled with pron). So I’m out of my element, and honestly thought that his 2 minutes (maybe) was pretty normal until reading some of Sheila’s other posts. I knew who my husband was, warts and all, before we got married, or even talked about dating/marriage. But there’s still the element of the unexpected. And because he has had this be the norm for him for nearly 20 years now, he didn’t see it as abnormal either. He’s really turned a 180, and he does try to make me happy, but it’s a sensitive subject, so seeing someone talk about it who is completely unrelated to our situation is a huge help, and knowing other people struggle with it is a comfort (strange as that is).
I know a lot of your comment wasn’t geared toward stuff like this, but I just wanted to vocalize the idea that both parties might be doing all the right things, and sometimes we just don’t reach 100% effectivity. So it’s not pointing fingers, as much as saying that we don’t have to live with the status quo.
Michelle, I’m glad I could be a help to you!
I’d love to explore that further, about how past experience with sex can warp what we think sex should be.
One thing I’ve always wondered is how can sex in the back of a car when you’re a teen actually be good, especially for the girl? I don’t have context for it myself, but I know how many women take a long time even in marriage to feel good, so I wonder what effect quick encounters like that have one expectations and sexuality?
And for guys, if everything is a quick encounter, do you realize that it could be more? Do you realize that it’s not supposed to be like this? I’d just love to know.
Please don’t misunderstand, Michelle. I wasn’t talking about Sheila pointing fingers. I actually think she does a good job keeping things even. She writes about issues among men and women. I was talking about that fact that it seems like anytime she does an article focusing on something that one of the genders tends to get wrong, there always seems to be a member of that sex who will point the finger back at the opposite sex and say, “yeah, but they do this and that is worse!” I feel like Sheila is trying her very best to address issues among both sexes. And there is nothing wrong with commenters dropping a concern about the opposite sex. But most people who do just seem plain disgruntled. And I am wondering how people are getting to this point of unhappiness and misery within their marriages? It honestly sounds like some people are married to total jerks. And I honestly can’t understand how so many cold and unfeeling people are getting married when people really should be able to spot MAJOR flaws like that when they are dating. Everyone has flaws and we go into marriage only to discover that more exist within ourselves and the other person. Marriage was designed to help chip away those rough edges so we can help each other to become more like Christ. And that isn’t an easy or painless process. It definitely wasn’t and isn’t easy for my husband and me. But it should be possible in the long run because both spouses should genuinely want the marriage to work and should be willing to work themselves. However, it truly seems impossible in some marriages. And that’s why I’m truly wondering if people are really getting to KNOW the person they decide to spend the rest of their life with BEFORE they make that commitment. Are they having deep and constructive conversations? Are they noticing positive change and progress in each other after arguments? Or are people just having fun while dating, ignoring issues that come up, rug sweeping hurt feelings and arguments, and pretending that everything will suddenly fall into place with marriage? I am honestly wondering these things.
And I’m really glad that Sheila posted this article too, Michelle. I do believe a lot of men could seriously benefit from it. My husband sure could have when we first got married. He was always impatient to get to penetration and any request of mine to slow down was met with frustration. It hurt my feelings a lot. But after several long and tearful conversations, it finally hit home for him. He started genuinely focusing on me. What he discovered was that I really enjoyed it, he really enjoyed it, and that it made sex more enjoyable period. I do believe it still took him a while to stop feeling impatient, but our sex life now doesn’t even remotely resemble our sex life when we were first married. And we are both really happy about that. 🙂
THIS: “But if your arguments never bring about any real positive changes in one or the other person then that is the biggest red flag of all.” Yep. I think that’s why I’ve written so many posts about red flags and about singles over the last few years, because I don’t think we’re teaching things well or preparing people for marriage well. I’ve often thought I’d love to start talking to singles, like doing a tour of university campuses or something. We do need to change the conversation!
Sheila, I think you finding opportunities to talk to singles would be excellent! 🙂
After the baby was born my wife developed severe body image issues. It crashed our sex life and we never recovered. This wasnt an issue of not knowing eachother well enough before we got married. It was just a life changing event that caused everything to crash in that department. After a long period of sexlessness it starts to mess with a guys head. It gave me PE. And after all the rejection, I started to have body image issues too. (As in “am i ugly, is that why she isnt interested in me). Ya, it starts to mess with your head.
And I just wanted to add this, Sheila, because I just thought of it today. I think in addition to getting to know your potential spouse better, I don’t think people do a very good job getting to know THEMSELVES these days. Knowing their strengths weaknesses, insecurities, flaws, and so on. And even if you find a weakness or flaw within yourself, the idea of letting someone else know about it is out of the question! Thanks to things like photoshop, facebook, and other social media, people can manufacture perfect versions of themselves for everyone to ooh and aah over. No one is interested in being authentic anymore because that doesn’t get them positive attention. I really hate blaming social media for so much (even though I really don’t care for it), but I think it has really warped reality for a lot of people to the point where they really aren’t interested in being authentic so long as they can appear perfect. And I think that may be following a lot of people into the dating realm.
Hi Samantha – yeah this is a good topic. Grace and I have had this discussion many different times over the years asking the same questions about ourselves. Grace tells me the heart wants what the heart wants and that is why she is still with me. We both had this strong message from God when we met that “this is the one”. Yet my wife married someone with big unknowns. I think of Sheila’s recent post to 40 somethings singles and divorced trying to date again and how they need to ask probing questions. I think it also goes back to how we are raised by our parents and the messages we get as children wich is why Beccca could totaly turn this topic into a post. I was never given any guide into how to pick a wife. I wasn t given proper messages about a lot of stuff for that matter. Anyway. When I read this my first thought was how blind I was.
Phil, I’ve got to keep this short. But I really do wish parents, schools, churches, anyone with good morals and influence would step up and teach kids what they really need to know about dating to find marriage material (because that is what dating SHOULD be all about) about the real meaning behind sex, and about what marriage and sex should actually look like in a healthy setting. Sheila is doing wonderful work here. But I feel like a lot of women and men arrive here “late” with preexisting issues. I wish there was a way to help younger people avoid more of the issues and so they go into dating and marriage more equipped to deal with how things really are. And all of that really does tie into today’s post. A world that has sex shoved into our faces daily really should know how sex works for a man AND a woman.
I think many people don‘t know what to actually look for to find out if the person is marriage material.
For one in American culture charisma replaced character a long time ago (I don‘t remember what book I read that, but I think it happened when salesmen were on the rise) and recently i think this has become worse because of social media and texting, were image and superficial communication take over.
I do believe that we need to be proactive in teaching the next generation what good character is, how to develop it in yourself and how to look for it in another person. What topics to talk about before getting married, questions to ask your date and we also need to teach what a healthy relationship looks like, what it means to respect yourself and other people. Because in all these matters our society is ill and lacking. Bullying and shaming are spreading. And messed up messages about sex and relationships are constantly fed to us through media.
Parents should teach those things to their kids, and the church should equip parents and young couples, and those who have a healthy family life should consider mentoring some teenagers and young adults that don‘t have healthy families. I think in we need to be fierce in fighting for healthy families and not tire in speaking the truth to anyone who will listen.
Totally agree! There was a student conference this past weekend at Rebecca’s church, and she taught a session for singles on how to make sure you’re not in an abusive relationship, and what the signs are of a healthy relationship. I thought that was great. We need way more of that!
I COMPLETELY agree with all of that, lydia! Especially about the image and superficial communication taking over the real substance that should make up a relationship heading towards marriage. I really don’t think people are getting to know their future spouse well enough before they get married. If you aren’t even comfortable discussing things like sex, children, finances, household responsibilities, or anything else with the person you are about to share your entire life with (including all of those things I listed) then you should probably work on communicating about those things BEFORE you find yourself actually having to DO those things with that person. And if you have tried discussing those things and the conversations consistently go badly, or if you are dismissed or treated poorly as a result, then you should probably consider looking elsewhere for a spouse. Communication is SO important in marriage and I do believe the younger generations are seriously lacking real communication skills. Thanks texting and social media!
Samantha – I just wanted to thank you for the breif conversation today. Something that came up for me today is this: I have been telling my story for 15 years. Part of my story is that I tell is that I never felt God until I was 30 years old. Pretty much that is when God intervened in my life for me to find recovery. However, I wrote earlier how Grace and I both knew from God that “this is the one”. Now if thats not feeling God I dont know what is? I was 23 when I met her. I am quite perplexed how I missed that until this moment. Thank you for that.
You’re welcome and thanks, Phil. 🙂
I get really frustrated by comments that read, “I can’t believe how many people got married not knowing what they were getting into. I would never do that. Those people better just lie in the bed they made and not complain.” People are broken marrying broken people and yes sometimes someone’s marries a person for the wrong reason and may God and us have grace and mercy for that person. If they are acknowledging how hard their marriage is then praise God because maybe they will get some help. I am married to a wonderful man who is as broken and weak as me and we are both getting individual help for our deep issues that are only coming out after 3 kids and 7 years of marriage. We are committed to working it out and God is growing us in so many good ways. Sometimes I get tired of reading comments that blame me for not having an inner eye or letting my own brokenness blind me. I know this is coming from my own place, but I’m curious if making statements like that really help anyone?
Ha, I always feel like such a weirdo with things like this, because it really does only take me about 2 minutes–maybe 5 if I wasn’t in the mood . . . and my husband is the opposite. I guess it’s good to be balanced, anyway.
That’s a good problem to have! 🙂 And the nice thing is that for women, once you’re “done”, you don’t necessarily HAVE to be done. 🙂
Antidepressants have too many side effects to suggest to use for something other than mental illness. I am shocked at your suggestion.
I do know what you’re saying, which is why I put that huge caveat in there. At the same time, medically, those with PE are often struggling because of two different neurotransmitters that some antidepressants specifically target. And so that’s why in certain extreme cases doctors have made it the treatment of choice. I think if you’ve never, ever had satisfying sex, that’s a pretty big problem in one’s life. And if a dose of antidepressants could help it, for many it is worth it as a last resort. But only a conversation with a physician could tell you that, and I would still suggest trying all of those other things (as I said in the post). But for some it isn’t porn, it isn’t a psychological issue, it isn’t fear, it isn’t anything except a neurotransmitter problem. And then there’s very little else you can do.
Can I ask a really dumb question? When you say “less than 2 minutes,” do you mean intercourse alone? Or foreplay + intercourse?
Another dumb question: how long would be a reasonable, average period of time for an average couple to have foreplay and then the same question for intercourse? I’m sure it can vary widely with individuals, but just to get a rough idea of what is considered more or less effective. Are we talking 3 minutes? 10 minutes? 20 minutes? (I’m coming from a 10+ year marriage of 0-10 minutes of foreplay and 1-10 seconds -yes, seconds- of intercourse.)
I am glad you are addressing this. For years I’ve read Christian marriage advice where wives would say things like, “I wasn’t really in the mood when my husband initiated sex, but once we got into it, I’m glad I said yes.”. And I found this SO baffling because I couldn’t figure out what they meant by “getting into it”–I felt like it was over in a couple blinks of the eye.
I have more questions but I’ll stop there for now.
Oh, my goodness, that is NOT a dumb question. That’s a very smart question. I’m so sorry I didn’t make it more clear!
I meant INTERCOURSE should take more than 2 minutes. Definitely.
If you’re getting about 10 seconds of intercourse, then he definitely has premature ejaculation, and I would talk to a doctor about it. There are things you can try, and I think that’s important to look into. I’m so sorry I wasn’t clearer in the article! I’m glad you asked the question, because I’m sure you’re not the only one. 🙂
Thanks. It is helpful to get some outside confirmation, although I doubt my ability to get him to discuss it with me, let alone with a doctor. Any tips on respectful, constructive ways to tell him he has PE?
Over the years he has rejected attempts to talk seriously about intimacy: he has said things like “most women don’t climax” and told me that my expectations are unrealistic, that I should use a vibrator, and that it’s basically a downer if I cry after sex or complain that it hurts (not vaginismus–i think it is contact with my cervix, because it feels like a pap smear). He has told me that he doesn’t want it to feel like work, that he doesn’t want to read books, etc. That makes it sound like he’s a selfish cad, but really he’s not–he is very generous in pretty much every other area of our relationship.
Our intimate life is one huge tangled mess. It makes me really sad, and I have to admit I feel angry when I hear other women alluding to sex being fun or enjoyable. I don’t think I can change him other than by praying to God about it. I guess my only other question is there anything I can do to change myself or to have a better attitude about this challenge?
Just thought I would suggest the app Ultimate Intimacy. I actually saw it on Shelia’s website at one point. We use it and it is a lot of fun. Doesn’t make it feel like work. Just a thought. 🙂
Jo,
I understand your husband is very resistant to you talking about intimacy and that he is unselfish in the rest of your marriage but he is being selfish in this area. I agree that the most important thing you can do is pray and ask God to make your husband receptive to you talking about it. Have you ever read Ephesians 5 together on marriage. It says that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church, that specifically they are to love their wives like they love their own bodies. A Christian husband is to care about his wife’s body like he does his own. In fact he is to care about her more because of the sacrificial love of Christ. There is absolutely no room for putting his sexual desires before hers. He says he doesn’t want sex to be work but if you love someone, putting the effort in to give them pleasure isn’t work it is a gift you give to the one you love. A lot of women don’t climax precisely because as Sheila says they are unaware of the time that’s often needed. Why would he want you to resort to a vibrator rather than be the one who gives you pleasure. God created sex for husbands and wives to express their love for each other. He thinks its a downer if you are hurt and cry but has it occurred to him that the real downer is what you are feeling when you cry. He may have all sorts of background reasons that explain why he seems to be so insensitive to your feelings in this area. Ask God to soften his heart and then see if you can reach his heart in this area. Maybe he needs another man to tell him these things. I will pray for you.
Esther, thank you for your kind and ministering words, and especially for your prayer. That means so much.
Do you have any comforting words for someone struggling with why the genders sexual responses are so different and why it seems so much easier for men? Why is it so easy for them to have pleasure as well as orgasm where for women its a good time if it just doesn’t hurt too much. My husband says that maybe God made it that way because a man’s orgasm has another purpose (babies) so he had to make sure it would go off without a hitch to ensure the population would survive, whereas women’s orgasm doesn’t have a purpose outside pleasure itself so its not guaranteed by biology. I get where he is coming from, but I just can’t believe that is true. That would mean producing babies is more important to God than a woman having good sex in marriage, and why would God want kids to be born to a couple having problems if possible? So why then? And how do I talk to my husband about how him saying that honestly hurts because it makes me feel like God cares about our future possible children (because right now when we have sex we are hoping for no babies at all) more than my pleasure and how it makes it seem like he is saying his is more important than mine or that he is playing off my struggles to enjoy sex because “God made it that way” or my orgasm “doesn’t have another purpose”. Does this make sense? It is just so hurtful to think that just because God chose women to carry babies instead of fertilize eggs, we get the short end of the stick when it comes to sex. Could it be more a result of the fall? Like before the fall God wasn’t thinking well I gotta ensure the survival of humans so lets make it easier for Adam to orgasm, because if there was no sin, the couple would have figured it out even if it wasn’t easy for Adam to orgasm. Wouldn’t it be better to have men like women and more orgasm only when sex is good, which normally happens in good relationships, because then kids would only be born to better marriages? I feel like I am just babbling at this point, but bottom line, what do I do with these thoughts and issues and how to do I talk to my husband about it and get it out of my mind that God made men’s orgasms easy because of kids?
Gracebird,
I think it is because of the fall, all the pain and suffering in this life are due to the fall so difficulties in this area would have to come into that as well. Eve was specifically told that childbirth would be more difficult because of sin so I tend to believe all women’s gynaecological struggles are part of that. I think the way that women and men experience sex differently would have still existed prior to the fall but they would have naturally harmonised those differences because there would have been no pain or misunderstanding between men and women which sin has caused. The fact that some married couples have very little problem in this area, even in a fallen world, shows that harmony was the original intent. As Christian couples we are to love each other through our struggles (whether sexual or otherwise) and we won’t always necessarily get total freedom from them in this life but if we genuinely sympathise with each other that helps a lot to live with them.
When I quit porn and masturbation, I had PE for a while. I was basically more recharged than usual, during sex. The “stop and start technique” worked well.
I’m a husband of 16 years, and I see sex as an act of worship. God designed us to be sexual creatures. Sex is a beautiful thing, and I know for a fact that it makes God so happy to see two of his loved ones making beautiful sheet music.
Your husbands selfishness makes me angry… That’s all it is, selfishness. God designed women to be capably of experiencing EXTREME pleasure. Men get 1 orgasm. Granted, it is typical for men to orgasm every time we have sex, we also only get 1 orgasm. Women, on the other hand, have a different story… Though our culture and hollywood tell us that sex should be fast and furious, and is typically a quick ordeal where both partners are satisfied, I’m certain that God never intended that to be the case. Women have the ability to experience vastly more sexual pleasure than ANY man. That’s where so many people get it wrong. Men have this idea that sex is something for them, and that if a woman isn’t satisfied in the same amount of time, and with minimal effort of his part, then that’s her problem.
If there is pain in sex, then he’s doing something wrong. Being a man doesn’t mean what our society is shoving down our throats. Treating your wife like a precious gift is being a man. Making sure she is not in pain during sex is being a man. If your wife has pain, do something different so there isn’t pain! If your penis ached during sex, would you just shrug and think it’s normal? Of course not. If it hurts your wife, figure out how to do it so it doesn’t hurt.
MEN, if you are reading this, make sex about worship. Worship God by treating your wife the way he intended. That means NOT JUST DURING SEX. Sex starts with non-sexual intimacy. Show your wife that you love her. Touch her gently, whisper in her ear, kiss her neck and cheek, touch her shoulders, back, arm as you walk past, sit and watch a show with her (not sports!), hold hands in public, put your arm around her. BUT, listen closely men, do these things because you love your wife, NOT TO GET SEX! Sex is a wonderful result of showing love to your wife. Sex is not a reward for good behavior. But, if your wife feels safe, secure and fully loved, she will likely want to get intimate with you.
Here’s a tip for you men out there; don’t just orgasm and then roll over and fall asleep… what a horrible way to show your wife how you feel… NO, lay with her and tell her how much you love her, how fun that was, and thank her for having sex with you.
Gracebird; I’m not sure how, but your husband needs to understand the things I just wrote. And for him to say “a women’s orgasm doesn’t have a purpose outside pleasure itself so its not guaranteed by biology” is just plain foolishness. I would venture a guess that 99% of women CAN orgasm… if the man is man enough to make a commitment to his wife’s needs. (Men have very sensitive pride receptors, so be gentle…)
I would take issue with the statement, “If there is pain in sex, then he’s doing something wrong.” It may be true sometimes, but there are some things that cause pain that absolutely are not the husband’s fault. Vaginismus, post-partum scarring, and his having a larger than average penis, for instance, are things a husband really has no control over! A good husband who loves his wife will be very sensitive to her pain. He will feel bad enough that it hurts her, without having guilt thrown at him for something he can’t fix.
Now, if sex hurts her and he doesn’t care so long as he gets his, then yeah, he’s a jerk, and he’s wrong in his selfish callousness toward his wife.
Sheila, I cannot believe I am just now saying this, (I am actually a little ashamed of myself) but I LOVE the Business Time video! My husband and I love Flight of the Conchords! I have a “Team Building Exercise ’99” tshirt I wear on Wednesdays! Lol
I AM SO JEALOUS. That sounds like the best shirt. 😀
As a counselor I have noticed that men tend to shy away from discussing issues like this especially when the issue is his. When posts like this comes out, majority of people who read it are the female folks, it’s hard telling a woman what the man should be doing, she probably knows, but married to a man who doesn’t want to talk about it.
There are various techniques a man can try, many have been discussed above, the most important is to concentrate on your wife. I adore my wife’s body, so I concentrate on it, I love to take my time…no need to hurry, my aim is for her to enjoy it and I really desire for her to climax which happens almost every time. The woman’s body is beautiful unlike a guys boring look, lol, so guys spend time, I find it hard to understand why penetration is the only thing most men want to do, dedicate at least 15-20 minutes touching her body, she won’t complain, I really wish I can go into details, any way, spend time on her body, it’s yours, explore and take possession.
Now for some ladies who complained about their husband not wanting to discuss or look for solution, here is what you can do.
Sit him down and have a heart to heart conversation, tell him how deprived you feel and it’s definitely not how God wants it to be, ask him if he is willing to work through it with you simply by telling him what you desire. When you get up to having sex, tell him to calm down, he might even renained half dressed, ask him to touch you and observe, you can put his hands where you want it to be and lead him on as you desire, when you get to your peak, you will also have to replicate and ask when you want to be penetrated….i do hope he is willing. It is also important that we constantly pray about intimacy and our sex life in our marriage.
You discussed PE about four years ago, and I commented on that post too. Normally I just lurk but since this is a struggle in my marriage, I wanted to comment and provide possible resources for other women in a similar situation to me. I’m one of those women who would love it if sex lasted for two minutes.
It took years to convince my husband that this was even an issue because he was so naive (we were both virgins when we married, so he told me I didn’t know what I was talking about), more years to get over the shame he felt because of incorrect teachings about sex, and then even more years for him to understand that we were missing out on something really important. Sex is the Achilles heel of my marriage, because in every other way he is kind and thoughtful and loving.
For some men, PE is severe enough that all the suggestions Sheila gives in this post simply don’t work. Even the antidepressants a urologist prescribed my husband made no difference. That was the point when the doctor said, “This is beyond my abilities, I’m referring you to a specialist.”
There are urologists who specialize in male sexual dysfunction. Ours recommended the book “Coping with Premature Ejaculation: How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner, and Have Great Sex” by Barry McCarthy and Michael Metz.
The book is not a quick fix, and requires real re-training. Like a commenter mentioned above, it’s like becoming a teenager all over again. Two things that the authors mention go along with my personal experience: 1) for wives, the bigger issue is the silence. Men typically do not want to address this issue, and the lack of communication is very painful for a wife 2) the authors have noticed in their practice that husbands are far more willing to get professional help if wife is struggling with a sexual issue, and very reluctant if it’s the husband’s issue.
Some bad news. Our urologist considers that for men with chronic PE like my husband, it’s considered a success if they can finally learn to last for two minutes.
The good news. God cares about your sex life. As a wife, plead in prayer for your husband’s hear to be softened. It can happen. Husbands, just a heads-up. If you’re dragging your feet in working on this, God will do whatever it takes to get your attention. If His lesser measures don’t work, He will turn up the heat until you’re ready to address this.
Thank you so much for this comment! It was so helpful. I appreciate it!
Another technique to help with PE is reverse kegels.
For us sex is normally over in 5 min or less and my wife normally does have a O and claims she doesn’t want it to drag on. We only have sex maybe twice a month so i don’t know what to do to change it.
Hi Bumble. Are you sure she’s actually orgasming and not faking it? I ask because I used to fake it regularly (like, every sexual encounter), and sex was over for us in 5-10 minutes too. I never wanted sex either, and we’d have it a couple times a month. I still haven’t orgasmed, but through reading others accounts and this blog, it seems likely that a woman would want sex more often if she was actually orgasming. Maybe discuss this with your wife? I know it can be a touchy subject, but if it’s approached with love and empathy and understanding, I think the discussion will be quite fruitful.
Another thought: if a woman really is orgasming, wouldn’t she want it to carry on? Heck, many/most are physically capable of multiple orgasms with practice. My guess is she’s faking it, which is why she just wants to get it over with. Either that, or she can’t get her head in the game night after night to really get into sex and enjoy it…. but then again, if that were the case, she probably wouldn’t be orgasming. Just some thoughts.
Does it start to hurt or lose feeling after a certain time? For me that time is around ten minutes. Before children, I could orgasm in less than that, sometimes twice. After children, I couldn’t, but still time out at around ten minutes.
I really think if your wife was orgasming you’d be having sex a lot more than twice a month! If she doesn’t want to have sex, it’s because sex isn’t enjoyable for her.
Ladies, please don’t fake it! How can he know what works and what doesn’t if you lie to him about it? If he cares enough about your pleasure that he doesn’t want to stop until you climax, count yourself blessed among women and work with him on making that happen! Also, if you’re lying to him in the most intimate part of your marriage, that blocks, rather than builds, intimacy between you. That defeats God’s whole design for sex!
When does the 2 minute window start? If a husband manually stimulates his wife to orgasm in 5-10 minutes, then has intercourse, and he orgasms in less than 2 minutes after insertion – is that ok or considered PE?
Sheila says the 2 minute window means actual intercourse, penetration.