Why do we think that love, emotion, or romance only count if they’re spontaneous, rather than something that’s planned?
This week I’ve been talking about how to love your husband and how to treat him well, and I want to address this issue of expectations of romance in marriage, too, with this post that I wrote a while ago but which most of you haven’t read. Personally, I think sometimes we make too big a deal thinking that spontaneity = genuineness, and everything else must be subpar.
It reminds me of Anne of Green Gables (seriously, I can use Anne for illustrations about almost anything; it’s the Canadian in me). Anne is forced to apologize to Mrs. Lynde, after telling off Mrs. Lynde when Mrs. Lynde insulted her by noting that her hair was red. Anne is flabbergasted. How can she apologize when she doesn’t mean it? An apology must come from the heart; it can’t be forced. It must bubble up from what’s really inside!
I think we’re all rather sympathetic to Anne. We share her perspective about all kinds of things:
- Flowers.
- A hand-written note from a child.
- Romantic gifts.
- Date night.
- Even sex.
To be real, these things must be spontaneous. They must flow from the heart, not from calculation or planning. If people have sex because it’s in their calendar, it doesn’t count. If they buy flowers because they were reminded to, or because they “should”, then they don’t win brownie points. Romance, love, genuine feelings should all proceed from the feelings of the moment, not from cool calculation when looking at a calendar–shouldn’t they?
What If We’re Looking at Romance Wrong?
When I’m speaking at marriage conferences, I often make the point that women should tell their husbands exactly when they expect gifts (Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, etc.), and then either give him a list of acceptable gifts, or give him the emails of several of her closest friends to ask. So many women are disappointed by men on holidays, and it seems to me that we should just make our expectations clear. (I keep a Pinterest board with things I’d like as gifts, and put things on my Amazon wish list. It works much better!).
But this approach isn’t always embraced by women. “I don’t want to have to tell him to get the right gift,” they’ll explain. “I want him to study me and love me enough that he would think of getting the right gift.”
I understand. I really do.
But may I offer another way of looking at romance?
When I was 8 years old, my grandmother taught me how to knit. I found it so awkward to hold the needles. And as I knit, I had to repeat to myself: “The bunny goes into the hole. He puts his sweater on. He goes out of the hole, up the street, and around the corner…”
I’m not like that today. Today I can knit without looking at my hands. (Here’s a picture I shared on Instagram recently of me knitting at the dentist’s chair to relax.) (Oh, and you can follow me on instagram, too!)
In fact, I rarely even have to look at a pattern. I can just figure out what’s next by looking at the row before it and knowing how to make patterns appear.
That’s because I worked at knitting for countless thousands of hours until it became natural, almost an extension of myself. I did it over and over again until I didn’t have to think about what my hands were doing. I can watch a movie while I knit and still not miss a stitch (or miss the plot of the movie). But it took concerted effort to get here. (PS: for any fellow ravelers, my ravelry name is just sheilagregoire! Come find me! And only hardcore knitters will know what I’m talking about).
Don’t you think relationships may take the same course?
When we start out, when we first get married, we don’t really know what we’re doing. There’s a lot of adjustment required.
And sometimes the best way to make those adjustments is to actually plan it. To put things in your calendar. To make lists of ways to be nice to him. As one commenter said on the weekend, even to schedule sex!
This doesn’t mean that we don’t really love our husbands, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love us. In fact, it’s the opposite. When you put something in your calendar, you’re saying, “this is important to me.” When you make a list of the things that you’re supposed to do, it’s because they’re so important that you don’t want to forget them.
And the more we do things, even if it’s by a list or with reminders, the more natural those things become.
When we spend scheduled time together, we start to share and talk more. And as we share and talk more, we feel more intimate. We feel closer. We understand each other better–so much so that next time perhaps we won’t need to schedule it; it will just happen.
But at different points in the relationship it’s important just to say, “I know that we’re missing something here, and I want to prioritize our relationship more. So I’m going to start writing things in my daybook. Can you make me a list of the things that I can say to you to make you feel loved? Can you write me a list of gifts you want? Can you write me a list of things that would make you feel special?”
Is it spontaneous? Perhaps not. But it’s building intimacy. And once we start to plan it, to make it a priority in our lives, then it will slowly start to become a habit. And then the spontaneity will come! If sex is a problem in your relationship, try scheduling it! When it becomes more frequent, with less stress associated with it, then it may also grow more spontaneous with time.
So instead of being upset that he isn’t romantic enough, or that your love isn’t authentic enough, maybe we should ask a more fundamental question: how can we prioritize each other? How can we be more deliberate?
Structure is not always the opposite of authenticity. Sometimes it’s simply the beginning of it.
What do you think? Have you ever had to plan something to make it happen in your relationship? How did that work for you? Let me know in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I realized while reading this that I still bristle at the thought of scheduling sex, but in reality, I’m much better at enjoying it when it’s scheduled. I guess I’ve tricked myself into scheduling it by instead calling it “at-home date night.” See, I really have a hard time relaxing and feeling emotionally intimate enough to be physically intimate without some planned quality time.
Here’s how that looks: Once the kids are in bed, we spend a bit of time making a snack or special dessert. Next, we pick out a playlist so we have fun, relaxing music. Then we bust out our favorite games: Scattergories, Yahtzee, Phase 10, Quixx, Scrabble, anything that lets us talk while we’re playing. Or we find a list of conversation starters and quiz each other. By the time it’s our bedtime, we’re usually feeling extra close. And then we bust out the Ultimate Intimacy App. (Thank you for that suggestion! We we’re both very surprised and very pleased at how much fun it is, and it wasn’t awkward!)
Also, a quick shout out to our DateBox subscription! They have totally changed our stay at home date nights! And it’s cheaper than paying a babysitter, let alone playing for a date night out.
So, the calendar might not have “sex” written on it, but it usually means the same thing… 😉
That’s wonderful! And I’m so glad that you’ve enjoyed the Ultimate Intimacy App. I really liked it, too. It’s a great one! And scheduling does help us get into the right frame of mind and get all of the other “to do” things out of our minds!
I wondered if anybody here has seen the 1975 movie, “Stepford Wives”. If so what are your thoughts In light of this?
My blog will address this Superfruitful.com
Love this, Sheila! As someone married to Spock, I totally get the importance of being clear in what you need/want. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to be romantic—rather, his mind just doesn’t work like that, so having reminders helps him demonstrate the love he already feels in ways that are meaningful to me.
I also know a wife who said that she told her husband, “I need you to kiss me every day when you walk through the door.” At first, it felt an awkward checklist item for him, but over time it became a habit, one that they both enjoyed. He wanted to kiss her anyway, but he just didn’t think about it when she did. So telling him what she needed achieved their mutual goals of expressing love and nurturing intimacy.
Yes, I love that example! That’s what I’m talking about. Sometimes you have to plan something for a while for it to become a habit. But when it does, it’s lovely.
Sheila. Aristotle taught us that generally for something to become a habit, it has to be done 21 days in a row.
Thus, it doesn’t take too long.
Exactly, Nick. And I think we forget that sometimes we need to invest in something to make it into a habit. We don’t always naturally think of doing something for someone else. But when we work at making it a habit–that’s actually showing love, that we prioritize someone, even if it doesn’t seem ‘romantic’.
Seems this is also on my wife’s lists of issues as well. She thinks it has to go like in the movies every time. So if I ask for something such as sex or even a request or plans for sex then it is just not natural and I am making demands and she feels like she is pressured and has to perform (recent post – the word performance was used and while I understood the emailers wording my wife uses that word differently) While things are getting much better in this area, in the past when we/I would request/schedule sex it would pretty much turn her off. There are just so many dynamics that go into the whole thing – Trust – genuiness – understanding – Love etc etc and its just actually to overwhelming to think about all the things that go into it. But you have to pick away it from every angle including looking at yourself. It wasn’t too long ago I was told I wasn’t aloud to speak during sex. Now we laugh during sex. I think our new found date night on Wednesdays has also really been a key to enhancement as well. I can really see the difference in our life all around including in the bedroom. We drop the kids off at youth on Wednesdays and then we go out. Our Church is in the middle of nowhere so we are limited to how far we can go and whats available. Last night we ended up at Mcdonalds. REALLY? I would never think of taking my bride to Mcdees on a date. But you know what? It was the nicest visit to Mcdonalds I ever had lol. Our Date night is a PLANNED EVENT. Every Wednesday. See the connection?
I think it’s great that you do something every Wednesday. Keith and I want to start taking dance classes again on Thursday nights, but for the last few Thursdays when we’ve been home the weather has been lousy (Canada in the winter!). Hopefully tonight!
I wouldn’t complain about sex being on a schedule to say barring any contingencies having one guaranteed sex night a week with my wife at least. I can hope for more always, but there is at least that. I don’t care that the newest episode of a TV show I like is on a schedule. Why would I complain about sex? Sex is sex.
Nick you may not care – but when you set time aside to be with your wife that is planned regardless if it is TV or McDonalds there is something called planting seeds. It actually comes from a parable in the Bible…but I use it all the time as a sales method as well as helping guys with sex addiction and obviously in my marriage. I had a guy call me yesterday about a conversation I had with him 4 months ago about finding God. He didn’t forget about it and in fact he took action recently. He thanked me for planting the seed. Our family switched faith traditions when we moved. My 7 year old decided he wanted to get baptized and asked unabated to do so. Me and my entire family were baptized as infants. I was so moved I have now joined him. Last night we were talking about it to make sure he just doesn’t want to go for a swim! My daughter jumped on board and is now going to get baptized with us. I am so happy and proud. She then asked my wife why she wasn’t doing it? There was no answer. My daughter who is 10 blurted out: Mommy? Why don’t you want to give your heart to Jesus? I could feel the sting. I could feel the hurt…and I hurt…but right now that is not for me to push on my wife. It is just not my place at this time. it is her journey. However, you can bet your pay check that a seed was planted. So that is what I am talking about. You can do this with sex down to the pocket knife you want your wife to buy you for Fathers Day. Some commenters here used the word HINT HINT. I choose to use parallels or maybe what is called contemporary examples as the method of delivery in many situations in my life. I find it works way better than saying YOU HAVE TO DO THIS. It works for me and while I get everyone has their own path I can tell you this. I pretty much didn’t know how to live at 30 years of age. I just didn’t grasp what I was supposed to as I grew up. So I have had to find other peoples methods that worked for them and apply them to my life. That is a large part of Shiela’s message around here. The irony about the whole thing is that even her message is delivered in the same manner. She doesn’t say YOU MUST DO THIS. She says this worked for me. HINT HINT – TRY IT. Sometimes one method doesn’t work…I will say that most times it does if one really puts in the effort, is genuine and has patience. But if it doesn’t work try something else! Anyway, Hope that helps you.
Phil. I am in favor of what Sheila said. I consider it also planting seeds. My wife and I both have Aspergers and I invest in our marriage every day. Every day except Sunday, I post a marriage meme and tag her and make a post publicly about my love for my wife. I go all out on Valentine’s Day, Birthdays, and Anniversaries. I am a nerd and my wife is my great gift.
If she wanted to schedule sex with me, I would have no problem. The only issue I would have is if she had an attitude of “Let’s just get this over with.” Scheduling could be a good way of saying “I am wanting to invest my time in you and this is time I am setting aside exclusively for you.”
Nick. Sorry if I misinterpreted your first comment. I actually went back and re-read it and I am saddened at the moment I cant even comprehend it. I have been struggling with newly diagnosed Bipolar and medication. My ears have been ringing since last Thursday and I popped back into manic – I have been having trouble interpreting texts – seeing words that are not there and then having to go back and see it for what it is. That could be pyschotic features or hopefully just medication issues. It Was Never a problem in my past even though I am sure I have been an untreated Bipolar my entire life. Anyway sucks. As my good freind would say. Other than that EVERY THING IS GREAT LOL. Take care
I’m a words of affirmation person. I don’t need everyone to tell me I look nice or I’m doing a good job, but I do need to hear it from my husband. But he hates compliments. He doesn’t even like hearing positive feedback on his work – the only words he wants to hear are how to make it better.
After we got married, it got to a point where I’d ask him on a regular basis if I looked pretty, just to hear him say yes. He got frustrated at first – “Wouldn’t it be more meaningful if you just wait for me to say it when I think of it?” “Yes,” I replied – “only I’ll be waiting forever.”
After some conversations about why I need positive affirmation (and why he doesn’t), he became very intentional about telling me I look nice. Now he says it every day, and he means it.
That all sounds pretty vain, but it means a lot to me, coming from him.
That’s great, Kacey! That’s great that you were able to talk it through and both understood what you each needed. That’s what I hope that all couples will do!
This describes exactly how I have always felt about things. I have no problem (or I would have no problem) giving reminders, making a list of what I want, scheduling time together. However . . . my husband is the one who is convinced that if it isn’t spontaneous it isn’t genuine. I would love to hear gift suggestion ideas from him or a list of things I can do to make him feel loved. But he will not give those things because “if a wife truly loves / cares” she will know what to do and get! And he has been very clear that he doesn’t want to get me something if I say I want it. I think he feels like that takes away any love from it. Like he’s feeling a shopping list is what he says.
I think we forget how human we are and what that means in terms of our limitations. Spontaneity is wonderful but life can get very busy and demanding at times and we need to prioritise and plan things that are important at times or life can get in the way. We ask each other for birthday gift ideas but at the same time we also sometimes like to buy a spontaneous gift instead. If the gift is spontaneous then I think one should focus on the thought behind the gift not whether it is quite what you would like.
I think this is great! It boils down to the fact that we are intentional about what is important to us. If I want to make sure we don’t miss an appointment, we put it on our calendar. Church is figuratively “on our calendar” weekly because that is important to us, but it doesn’t make it any less meaningful. I love spontaneous worship, but I also love scheduled and planned worship. It is the same with our marriage relationship. Spontaneous intimacy is fun and special, but scheduled or intentional intimacy is also very meaningful and adds value to our relationship.
We enjoy both the spontaneous and scheduled in our marriage. In fact, our spontaneous became so consistent that it is now scheduled! There is something wonderful about feeling secure in knowing what is coming, and it is so fun being able to anticipate it together.
Personally, I’ve always been skeptical of planning things like intimacy, as most of the times for me it just doesn’t feel right. I guess in the “dating” phase things just happen spontaneously , as there is still is some kind of rhythm and breath in the relationship that makes both partner “looking forward” to seeing each other and share moments, as they’re perhaps fueled by the wait and tension buildup. But in a marriage or domestic partner this cannot be the case, and I think a couple would need to naturally develop some kind of “metabolism” out of mutual, silent understanding, for their dynamics in terms of intimacy and other moments, which would otherwise feel more like a chore (if they were to be planned consistently for example) or just being devalue and get lost along the way in the worst case scenario…
I think this is brilliant! Yes, it’s extra special and somehow more enjoyable if they read our minds, but not realistic.😂
I’m not much into gifts at all, so after buying me a few nice pieces of jewelry I didn’t wear, my husband was kind of at a loss. A system that really works for us is that Valentine’s Day is mine to plan, so I can stage my romantic fantasy just like I want it, and all he has to do is show up. Since my preferred romance formula is basically “dress-up + yummy food + sex” he’s pretty sure of being happy with whatever I come up with.😂
On his end, he likes to plan overnight trips for us, and has caught on that I don’t enjoy surprises, so he tells me in advance now what he has in mind, and we can look forward to it together!
I also started keeping an erotic journal for my fantasies, which I told him about and store in his dresser. Now if he’d like to surprise me, he has a clear blueprint for exactly what I’d love for him to try! I’m sure the same thing would work for dates, gifts, or whatever.