Is there ever a need for devices to make your sex life better?
Yes, I think there can be, and since we’re talking about embracing your sexuality this week, I thought I’d tackle this one to wrap up. And thanks to Le Snuggle for sponsoring this, too!
I’ve written several posts now on how I don’t believe that sex toys are necessarily a great idea (and how those Christian sex toy parties make me nervous!) Sex is supposed to be intimate physically, yes, but also emotionally and spiritually. And sometimes when we feel like something is missing in our sex lives we try to find a gadget so that we feel awesome. But that can leave us empty. What really brings the most physical pleasure quite often is boosting our intimacy in other ways. When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that the women who were the most sexually responsive tended to also be the ones who felt closest to their husbands. The more that we grow the emotional side, the more the physical will tend to feel good. And sometimes we short circuit that process and miss out on the best.
I don’t believe that sex toys are necessarily sinful; only that we should tread carefully.
And in our porn culture where so much has made sex impersonal and anonymous, sex toys can reinforce that rather than work to create emotional and spiritual intimacy.
What's in The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex?
I don’t know how many have really made love.
And in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–I teach you how to do exactly that. I show how God intended sex to be intimate in three ways: spiritually, emotionally, AND physically. And I show you how to get there, too!
If you’ve struggled with figuring out what all the fuss is about, or you feel held back in marriage because you just can’t embrace your sexual side, then check out The Good Girl’s Guide!
You were meant for more.
That being said, I do think that there is a role for marital aids.
So let’s look at the difference! Many sex toys’ purpose is to bring someone to orgasm faster, or to replace certain body parts. Others are meant to be part of “sexual play”, such as bondage gear.
The problem with the latter can be that it prevents real intimacy by making sex “hot” because it’s degrading, rather than because it’s intimate. The problem with the former is that it can create almost a solitary sexual experience. You receive pleasure, but your spouse has very little to do with it. And if the toy makes it easier to reach orgasm than it is with your spouse, then that can actually detract from sexual intimacy, not contribute to it. It can also make it harder to respond physically to your spouse.
Again, I’m not talking about sin. I’m talking about how it’s important to be wise and to ask if this is something that will actually help your intimacy or take away from it. Like Paul said in 1 Corinthians 10:23:
“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.
Marital aids, I would say, fulfill a different role than standard sex toys.
Some people have physical issues that prevent intercourse from being physically stimulating enough to reach orgasm. When physical issues bar normal sexual response, then marital aids can indeed serve a very good purpose.
People who have movement or pain issues may benefit from certain “toys”
Those with paralysis, fibromyalgia, or other pain conditions may find different positions impossible or taxing, or just plain painful, making thrusting difficult. In this case, some help may very well be warranted!
Men who have arousal difficulties or erection difficulties could benefit from certain devices
Some medical conditions can make erections very difficult (even after certain cancers, as well). Some devices, such as rings, can make erections easier to maintain. Other devices he can use on her to help her feel good, even if he can’t.
People who find intercourse isn’t stimulating enough due to being too loose after childbirth
When your vagina is too loose after you’ve had multiple children, especially if your husband is on the smaller side, this can cause quite a bit of distress and frustration. While there are exercises that you can do (I talk about them here in my post on what to do if you’re too loose), for some that isn’t sufficient, especially if he is on the smaller side. Le Snuggle was developed by a Christian family who reads this blog, for the purpose of helping couples get maximum sexual enjoyment even if things aren’t fitting the best!
It’s a device that you insert before intercourse that “fills” you up a bit so that you’re more snug, giving a tighter sexual experience. And it’s medical grade silicone, so it’s pliable and won’t stretch you out anymore than you already are. (So don’t worry about that!)
Gail from Houston said this:
“After having had 5 children, my husband and I have tried everything out there to improve our fit. Le Snuggle accomplished this the first time we tried it. I was looking into vaginal rejuvenation surgery when we were asked to participate in testing of this product. I have since cancelled my appointment.”
God designed us to experience sexual pleasure in marriage, and if health conditions or physical conditions are keeping you from being able to do that, it’s absolutely okay to get some help! It doesn’t mean you’re a failure (any more than wearing glasses means we’re failures). And it isn’t something you need to be embarrassed about. It’s a way to keep sex fun, exciting, and pleasurable even when physical changes come.
What about people with vaginismus?
What if you’ve got the opposite problem–that you’re too tight, rather than too loose? There’s information on what aids can help you when you’re too tight as well. One word of caution, though: I know many women suffering from vaginismus who have been told to use a vibrator. I’d steer clear. Even if you’re too tight for penetration, your husband can still bring you to orgasm manually or orally, and that way you both will get to know your body better. And do seek out a pelvic floor physiotherapist who can help! There are things you can do to help you recover (I did!).
I do get a LOT of questions about sex toys. Indeed, every time I do my Girl Talk event at churches where I talk about sex and marriage, there are ALWAYS questions about sex toys in the Q&A period.
So I wanted to clarify a little bit my thinking on it. When it comes to just making sex “hotter”, I’d exercise some discernment. But if you have physical issues that are making normal sexual arousal and response difficult, then please seek out some marital aids where available. They’re there to help you–and it’s okay to need help!
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Great article! I think your stance on this topic is very wise. I think some couples really cripple themselves by thinking that they “need” toys to have fun and feel great. And I really like how you made distinction between just wanting to find a way to make sex “hotter” and honestly needing some help to make sex work. Great job on this!
Thanks, Samantha!
This is absolutely how I feel about it! I appreciate the distinction. Well-spoken, Sheila.
Thanks, J!
So, has anyone reading this blog tried any penis rings or have any feedback on what to look for? My husband has had years of struggles with porn addiction, but he/we seem to finally be on the right track/not sliding back.
However, 30 years of using has taken its toll and our sex life was pretty marginal during his worst times. (Maybe 6x per year.) It first came up when we had been married only a few months. I was crushed, and ANGRY. We dealt with it (I thought) and he seemed to get it under control…By the time he was in his mid thirties, four kids later, he was having troubles with ED, and I thought it was work stress so didn’t push it… his confidence was low, and I figured I should not push the issue. Years later (same job), I found evidence on the computer of his using, he confessed and we started the recovery process. Fast forward a few years, and we are still battling ED, spontaneity is totally out the window because he needs to take meds to sustain an erection, and even with those on board he has trouble with “staying” power, so sex is generally pretty quick.
Wondering if a ring might help with that, but baffled by all the options and would love some BTDT advice for dealing with ED! I’m glad we are finally up to 2-3x per month, but would really prefer that as a weekly goal! I think/hope that if we could get something that would help him keep it “up”, he’d enjoy himself more and be a lot more motivated!
I speak up about how destructive porn is whenever the opportunity presents itself; I can’t stress it enough. I first found your blog looking for information for wives. If I had not had a very healthy self-esteem to begin with and all along, I’d have totally blamed myself. I was crushed initially- but arose from that experience convinced that this was only my problem in that it involved MY husband and we have tackled it all along as a team.
Hi there!
I’m so glad that you’re finally achieving at least a bit of victory here! That’s so difficult. I’m sorry that you’ve lived with this your whole marriage. And I’m so sorry with what he’s done to his sex life.
I think a ring may actually be quite helpful in that case. What I think the bigger issue is, though, is that while he’s gotten rid of the porn, he hasn’t actually dealt with the underlying problems, which have rewired his arousal processes. What he needs is to rewire them back. And to do that you have to deal with the lies and the garbage that he believed from porn. Not watching is not enough; now the healing has to come with a counsellor who will help him look into what drove him to porn, what porn did to him, and his ability to be vulnerable/ open with you. Porn destroys intimacy of all types; if you start working on other areas of intimacy, often sexual arousal comes back. But you really have to work at growing intimacy. And I think that’s the biggest issue here.
Sheila, I don’t know how often you check out the articles on Covenant Eyes, but one of the guys on there ha’s done several articles about research being done that links porn use to ED. They call it PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction). I have actually thought about bringing it up before and this seemed like the perfect opportunity. What you said lines up so perfectly with it all I just had to bring it up! It’s a sad and scary issue, and one which I wish more people knew about. Your advice was spot on!
And just to clarify, they are not saying that all ED is caused by porn, but just that porn use and masterbation can lead to ED.
Great post! Wise words, and thanks for bringing the Le Snuggle to my attention, I will be looking into it. Maybe it might make a good birthday gift for hubby! 🤔😉😀
I’m sorry, I’m not trying to pry but for the love of your marriage do not give your husband a penis enlargement prosthetic for his birthday.
You may not see it this way, but I can promise you that he will.
Very helpful post! I’ve read the testimony of a man who was rendered non-functional by a car wreck. He was overjoyed when relations between him and his wife were somewhat restored by the use of a strap-on silicone “prosthetic” device. Amazing what can be done with silicone. That Le Snuggle is an excellent idea!
Will Le Snuggle work for painful intercourses/prevent tearing on the vaginal walls? Or is there an aid available?
I think if it’s painful intercourse and tearing on vaginal walls, what you really need is more lubrication. Inserting a device isn’t likely to help in that case. And I would definitely look to see if you could have vaginismus. There is help available from physiotherapists especially, some focus specifically on pelvic floor issues! But I’d start with getting more lubrication, which you can buy in a drug store relatively inexpensively, or try Femallay, which are awesome insertable capsules.
Sheila and readers,
Please hear me out on this!
I love this blog and everything it does for the community of believers. I feel compelled to write this:
Be EXTREMELY careful before you suggest Le Snuggle to your husband. I can honestly see no better way of communicating inadequacy to your husband that presenting to him an item that increases the size of his manhood. You don’t mean it this way, but I can guarantee you it will communicate “Here honey, now you are good enough to satisfy me!” Remember size does matter to him, and naturally to you too because you are buying this product.
Also, I feel, as many men would, especially men with a healthy amount of self respect, absolutely humiliated by being offered this item. How much more so using it?
Please, proceed with EXTREME caution with your husband.
I hear what you’re saying, but I think there’s another aspect that as a man you don’t see. The problem here is really that after childbirth, she has changed. She is now really loose. That’s when most women get the need for this–after OUR anatomy has changed. So many couples had great sex before kids, and then after kids it doesn’t work because those vaginal muscles have changed. And because the change happened after childbirth, it’s quite obvious whose issue it is. So it’s not about him; it’s about her.
I am interested in the Le Snuggle. My problem is that I have had two children by c-section, so I don’t have the reasoning of needing Le Snuggle because I’m too loose. However, my husband is on the smaller side. I would never want to hurt his feelings or humiliate him, but I believe we both know it’s an issue. And while I completely understand what Armor Titan is saying, I’m a little annoyed. Should I forgo using something that could potentially make sex awesome for me in order to save my husband some potential embarrassment? It’s not his fault he is on the smaller side, but it’s not mine either! Sheila, what do you think? I need some help with perspective on this.
Please help!
We have been married just 2 years now, but my husband still only lasts ten to twenty seconds during intercourse (if we make it that far. No, this is not an exaggeration, if anything it is generous.) Fully clothed, no actual intercourse, he lasts about a minute. He has tried so hard to focus on me, not himself, and last longer, but it’s not really helping. I LOVE sex, I have the (waaaay) higher drive (It’s 4 times a week, I’d like 4 times a day) and would adore him lasting a few minutes… He feels he’s failing but I always tell him he’s not failing, he’s just succeeding too fast! Haha!
He isn’t doing anything he shouldn’t. I’m completely sure of his faithfulness, plus I have full access to his computer and phone. He DID have a past before he came to know Jesus, but that ended nearly 4 years ago, just two months after coming to Christ, and he’s never looked back! (I love this man!)
Please, if there’s anything we can do, I really would appreciate the advice! (and I know he’ll do what he can!)
B, he may honestly just have premature ejaculation, which is not necessarily caused by porn or any of that at all. It can be caused by problems with neuroreceptors in the brain. So don’t let him heap guilt and shame on himself! But certainly do see a doctor, because there may be some things that can help! But I would honestly think that this is what it is. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I do pray that you’ll find a solution.
When you say “fully clothed he lasts about a minute”, does that mean without any direct stimulation?
I have nothing to recommend if he orgasms just by seeing you naked, or you touching his body.
But, if it’s direct simulation that sets him off, don’t touch him! And then make sure you are super wet before he gets anywhere near your vagina… another thing that you might try is to give him an oral or manual orgasm, and then get him to continue stimulating you until he’s ready again, then have intercourse. Might work… This method makes him a little less sensitive, and you a lot wetter, and both of you really horny. Good times. No harm in trying 🙂