I like to be a very down-to-earth Christian marriage blogger.
This week I’m taking a bit of a step back, since my daughter is getting married on Saturday! I’m going to be posting some round-ups of some of the best marriage advice I’ve published.
But as I was looking for posts I wanted to share, I came across this reflection that I wrote after my big “Every Man’s Battle” week that I wrote in June. I actually sent this reflection out to my weekly newsletter subscribers back then (if you’re not on my email list, you miss a lot of behind the scenes stuff, coupons, extra freebies, monthly videos, and more!) I thought it was important, and summed up well some of the things I’ve been thinking on the blog this year, so I thought I’d share it with you more widely!
A reflection written June 30, 2017, after writing the “Every Man’s Battle” series:
- Do All Men Lust?
- Why the “Every Man’s Battle” idea backfires
- 12 ways to help Christian men defeat lust
- How to talk about men’s sexual needs in a healthy way
- Why “do not be a stumbling block” is a horrible modesty message
Last week something strange happened. I spent a week writing almost 15,000 words on how the conservative Christian church has shamed women by talking about “every man’s battle” with lust as being primarily women’s fault, and, to my surprise, 95% of my female readers said a collective, “Well, DUH!” Even the vast majority of the men commenting agreed with me.
I thought I’d get a lot of pushback. And while I got some, the outpouring of support was overwhelming. It was instead a huge, collective “Finally, someone said it!”
In other words, I said something which was totally obvious to almost everyone sitting in the pews in churches in North America today–and yet that message is not heard in books, or by pastors from the pulpit, or by big name speakers.
Why not?
I think it’s kind of like what happened last year when Gary Thomas, who is a pastor with the Southern Baptist Church (full disclosure, he’s also a friend) published his awesome article Enough is Enough, talking about how the Christian church needs to come to terms with the fact that in preaching the evils of divorce, it has also made it so horribly difficult to help women in truly abusive marriages. We need to stop talking only about saving marriages and start also talking about saving the people in those marriages.
It was not a radical idea. I’ve been saying the same thing for years; so has Leslie Vernick and countless other writers. But this time a well-known Baptist minister said it. And that’s what was so surprising. Someone broke with the mold.
And there IS a mold. If you’re going to get well-known in the Christian world, you have to get books published. Then you have to get on radio shows, but radio shows steer clear of controversy, so you have to say something relatively innocuous. Then you also have to get other authors to like you, so you can’t critique anyone.
I don’t like that very much.
I admit that I used to steer clear of certain topics, because I desperately wanted to grow this blog and grow my speaking ministry, and I didn’t want to lose readers.
But lately I’ve been finding that some things just need to be said, even if it means criticizing some pretty big things in the evangelical world–like my post Top 10 Signs You’re Respecting Your Husband Too Much (again, that post went huge and was largely appreciated); and my Every Man’s Battle post last week. These things are important. They’re almost “emperor’s new clothes” level important. Everyone’s thinking, “the typical take on this is really strange”, but no one’s saying it out loud. So you think you’re alone believing it’s somehow off, and you’re not.
Unfortunately, once you start trying to build an audience in the Christian world, it’s tempting to self-censor because you don’t want to tick off people that you need to sell your books. And so people stop saying things that are blatantly obvious because it may anger some people. But then the Christian world becomes rather bland and safe, and very few pastors and authors deal with the real messiness when the pat answers don’t always work.
My daughter Rebecca’s book Why I Didn’t Rebel is challenging a lot of the typical things Christians say, too. The parents who did all the “right” Christian things that we often hear about in conservative Christian circles tended to have kids who rebelled far more than the parents who broke with the mold a little bit. The reason? Everything comes back to authenticity. And you can’t be fully authentic if you’re wedded to a particular viewpoint rather than to a relationship. If you read her book (and I hope you will!), you’ll likely say a whole lot of, “Of course! That’s so true.” We all instinctively know this stuff. But we don’t articulate it, because it seems dangerous.
Maybe that’s a good thing, because I don’t want to stay safe.
The whole reason I blog is because I like to think about things, and I like to pray and wrestle through things, and I like to talk about those things with you. But it needs to be about what I think Jesus is saying, not what a particular viewpoint is saying.
The other danger is that as soon as we start blogging or writing or speaking primarily from a certain viewpoint–whether it’s a denomination or a political party or whatever–then we start seeing the other side as the enemy. If we think of ourselves mainly in terms of our viewpoints (I believe “A”), then we also tend to think that Jesus believes our viewpoint, too (Jesus also believes “A”). We’re Team A! Therefore, anyone who isn’t Team A is automatically wrong about pretty much everything. We look at what side they align themselves with, and either embrace them or dismiss them based on that. We don’t listen to what they’re actually saying.
I don’t want to be pigeonholed. I want to be myself.
Last week I was debunking a big foundation of the sexuality narrative in evangelical churches today–the one that says that men’s sexual needs really matter more than women’s, because women were put here to serve men first. Yet at the same time, I had some feminist blogs angry at me because I didn’t go far enough. I held, for instance, that men actually ARE visually stimulated in a way that women don’t tend to be (and I do believe that). So neither entrenched viewpoint was happy with me–though most readers were. And to me, the readers are all I care about.
You showed me last week that I don’t need to be scared–that people are so, so hungry for REAL dialogue on this stuff, because we don’t see it in the churches very often and we don’t see it in bookstores, either. Where we do see it is on the internet, where real people can hang out without the gatekeepers in the wider Christian sphere. I am so very grateful for that lesson, and for the many kind words, especially on Facebook, that you all sent my way. It really was a confirmation to me from God of what I’m supposed to be doing.
Publishers and denominations have a lot to learn from the internet.
One reason this blog is actually the biggest Christian marriage blog on the web (even though I’m not the biggest marriage author) is because I talk about real stuff that people are actually thinking about. I’m not trying to build a denomination or protect my reputation; I’m just talking.
And I’m just me.
I’m not your pastor. I don’t want to stay aloof from you. I don’t want you to follow me because I’m some big name or because I represent a viewpoint. I simply want to talk about stuff, and let you all get to know me, and then you can all make up your own minds. We’re in this together.
Jesus is with the marriage misfits. Jesus is in the trenches. Jesus doesn’t care about reputation or image or pedigree. And I pray that I may never, ever get so caught up in trying to get “big” that I self-censor myself ever again.
Do Christian writers steer clear of hot button topics too much because they want to stay safe?Click To TweetWhat do you think? Do we steer clear of hot button topics too much, and so become too bland? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sheila,
Your questions of , “do Christian writers steer clear of hot-button topics” and “Do You Find Marriage Advice Bland” are exactly why I have become a loyal reader. I don’t hear hot-button topics talked about AT ALL in my Christian circles. Its as if sexual misconduct never happens (and *wow* does it ever!)
Bland marriage advice? Yes, totally. I’ve heard the exact same things my entire life. Submit to your husband, wear modest clothes(because men around you will lust, and you’ll be the reason for it), and love your husband/take care of him/take care of the house and children… and you’ll live happily ever after.
Sadly, life does not work like that. Romance & intimacy definitely don’t fit into that pigeon-hole. Thank you for being a refreshing, cool summer breeze. Thank you for being brave enough to FINALLY say those things that are important. You make it fun and enjoyable, interesting, and even with the hot-button topics, you show that you care about the hard stuff. ~ Johanna
Johanna, so glad you’re here! I’m glad the blog helps you!
Wow Sheila. First off thank you . If this makes sense to you sometimes I think you’re my opposite twin. I know I read this in June and I’m sure I had something to say then at least in my head. but today I have so much more to say on this that is different. I am sure I will forget some of it. I have been stewing on it for a half an hour at least maybe 45 minutes. first off one of my favorite things about your blog is the fact that you allow your readers to impact you. I don’t read a ton of blogs but from what I can tell Most of them the blogger sticks to their opinion defends it to the tilt and you never see them working on themselves Every Sunday at my Sunday school class there’s a man who is hard-core Republican party. it has become a consistent joke so to speak but yet is so clear to me that his opinion comes before Jesus and you can only hope that by him sitting there one day he’ll get the message. I am constantly working on myself and reforming myself to try and align with God’s will and now his son Jesus. today I can lay down my opinion and see that that man is at least present in God’s house. I can look objectively at the good things he has to say and absorb that Even though I don’t agree with relating his political party to Jesus. where I come from there’s a saying: it’s better to understand then to be understood. this week I got into a confrontation With a leader from a secular group I am part of. I’ve been putting up with passive aggressive garbage for a year and a half and I finally stood up for the principles. I was kindly mean and threw a bomb in the whole situation. the outcome was getting business done in the best interest of the kids. And now I’m in assistant leader. I am part of 2 secular groups where I’m not free to speak about Jesus but there are opportunities in certain situations. at this point this blog is the closest platform I have to speak freely and I’ll bet I’ve been attacked more than I know. it bugs me that I don’t have a free in person platform because I want to do more. ( after rereading this I realized that I do have an in person platform and that’s my marriage my kids my family ) but maybe Speaking God‘s principles in the light of Jesus Without saying it can lead someone to him. That certainly worked for me. I probably have so much more to say about this. I will close with this: Tonight I am finishing painting a canvas on my date with my wife. she already finished hers. We found something interesting about painting together. It’s like going to a movie: You don’t talk much Because you are very intently focused. but when you do talk it’s very intimate. Tonight I will have Grace read this post as I paint with hopes she’ll click on the links as well. My vision and hope is that this will Produce intimate loving conversation that leads to fruitful understanding from both of us so that we can grow Individually and together as one in the light of Jesus. Totally awesome !
I do believe it is too play it safe many times to get likes but I also think it’s based on fear. Like with your post about “men’s battle”. I think many would think: “But what will happen if we start talking like this? Will every woman in church walk around with barely nothing on their body? Is that ok?” I know I thought that. There can be fear of that. A ridiculous fear but it can be there too. I know I thought about it after reading some of your posts but you answered one of my comments about it and said that we can’t let fear control us. We have to focus on our relationship with God. If that is good then we will know how to dress. Another fear may be the fear to see once own sin. I know it was that for me. That’s why it was hard to read those posts but I thank God for them. They helped me see that my battle against porn and lust can be won and I am happy to say that God has been doing miracles in me and I am living in freedoms more and more. I would never had been if I had never read that I can be free.
I also think that the whole divorce thing scares many Pastors The fear that divorce will be treated as something lightly may cause that many don’t ant to talk about those things. And I guess I understand that fear. If one of going to talk about it one has to be very clear with it. I think many pastors are afraid that many will see it as an excuse to divorce instead of working things out. The fear of misleading people in a time and age where divorce is so easy for the world can be part of it. So I think that could be a reason. Not a good one but it is there. Hopefully more will understand the importance of talking about these things.
That’s really interesting, Free. Thank you for commenting. I do think fear is a huge issue. I’m so glad that the posts could help you!
This is why I self-published at first, because I simply couldn’t imagine the entrenched Christian institutions supporting me saying what I wanted to say, and knew people needed to hear. But I do think some pastors, churches, and organizations are becoming more and more willing to speak out, and I find great hope in that! (Hats off to my current publisher, for one.)
I do think people are longing for authentic Christianity more than pat answers. And I’m thrilled that you blog to that goal. Thanks, Sheila!
And thanks to you, too, J. I love your blog!
I appreciate your direct approach and willingness to take on difficult topics, Sheila. The older I get the less interested I am in supporting the Christian status quo. If something doesn’t reflect the way Jesus lived and the way he treated people, I’m done with it. I’ve sadly come to realize that many of the things the church has been teaching over the years, especially things that relate to men, women and marriage, are actually about power and control – not about living the way Jesus lived. Hopefully you will never see any of that sort of teaching on my blog – even if it means that nobody but me will publish my stuff!
I think you’re so right, Gaye. I’m actually thinking about writing my next book about that. It really needs to get back to living by the Spirit.
I get giddy when you open up cans of worms. Having your deeply held beliefs challenged can be scary. Change can be scary. Admitting something you’ve believed for a long time could be wrong is SCARY. But we cannot shy away from it, or we stop growing. I think that’s a big part of why America is having such a hard time solving difficult issues. Nobody wants to dialogue, everyone just wants to keep on believing they’re right, and I believe a big part of that is they’re scared of changing their minds. It’s a subconscious thing. People don’t even realize they’re doing it. I sure didn’t realize I was doing it! But I was. And realizing that changed my perspective on why people fight so hard to hold onto things.
I like your blog precisely because you do not avoid hot topics and you are ready to stand for what you believe in!