When a marriage is going “south,” one of the worst things you can do is…nothing.
And sometimes the reason we’re paralyzed, and we feel like we have no choice, is because we worry that if we do something, the marriage may end.
But if we do that, have we turned marriage into an idol?
That’s what Gary Thomas is asking in his new book Loving Him Well (he asked for my input on some chapters, and included some of my quotes in there!). And I love it. It’s so practical, about how women can have a great influence on our husbands.
Today I’ve asked him to join us and share an excerpt from his book as a pep talk for women walking through difficult marriages. Here’s Gary:
People in panic often fear making the wrong move but sometimes “no move” is the worst move. Not doing anything will get you just what you’ve got.
The first thing so many women (and men, for that matter) in the Bible had to be told was to stop being afraid and become bold.
When Hagar was abandoned by her husband and exiled to what looked like her and her son’s slow starvation and death, God’s angel encouraged her: “Do not be afraid” (Genesis 21:17). When the women who had been faithful to Jesus were beside themselves with grief, wondering what had happened to the body of their precious Jesus, an angel admonished them, “Do not be afraid” (Matthew 28:5).
Because of God’s Spirit within us, we are sometimes called to bold action. The “safe” path is sometimes a slow drift toward destruction. One of my favorite Christian philosophers, Elton Trueblood, put it so well:
The person who never goes out on a limb will never, it is true, have the limb cut off while he is on it, but neither will he reach the best fruit. The best fruit which human life offers seems to come only within the reach of those who face life boldly . . . with no excessive concern over possible failure and personal danger. The good life is always the gambler’s choice, and comes to those who take sides. Neutrality is seldom a virtue.
Fear gives birth to paralysis—and sometimes inaction is our greatest enemy. Marriages can slowly die from years of apathy. I’ve seen many relationships wilt from unhealthy patterns that one or both partners refused to address until they became “calcified” and thus were ten times more difficult to break. This is true of addictions, unhealthy communication, and disrespect. The longer a bad situation goes on, the more ingrained it becomes and the more difficult it is to fix.
If you always play it safe in your marriage, you’re going to end up in some ruts.
If you always play it safe in your marriage, you’re going to end up in some ruts.Click To TweetWhat I believe will give you the most boldness and courage to address issues that need to change is understanding who you already are in Christ.
A Woman’s Spiritual Platform to Influence Her Husband
Let’s apply some simple theology here. Who does the Bible say is your refuge — God, or your husband? Deuteronomy 33:27 provides the answer: “The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.”
In whom does your hope lie? Your husband’s continuing affection? First Peter 1:21 says, “Your faith and hope are in God.”
Where will you find your security? You and your husband’s ability to earn a living and your husband’s commitment to stay married to you? Philippians 4:19 answers, “My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”
Where will you find supreme acceptance that will never fade or falter for all the days of your life? “As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,” replies Isaiah 62:5, “so will your God rejoice over you.”
If you’re trying to find your primary refuge in your husband, if you’ve centered your hope on him, if your security depends on his approval, and if you will do almost anything to gain his acceptance, then you’ve just given to a man what rightfully belongs to God alone.
And that means you’ve turned marriage into idol worship.
When you do that, both you and your husband lose. How will you ever find the courage to confront someone whose acceptance so determines your sense of well-being that you believe you can’t exist without him? How will you ever take the risk to say what needs to be said if you think your future depends on your husband’s favor toward you?
Your future depends on God, not on a fallen man. Your security rests with your caring Creator’s providence, not with your husband’s paycheck. Your acceptance as a person became secure when God adopted you, not when your husband proposed to you. If you truly want to love, motivate, and influence your husband, your first step must be to stay connected with God. Find your refuge, security, comfort, strength, and hope in him.
Armed with this acceptance, security, and empowerment, you become a mighty force for good. You can then claim the power of Moses’ words in Deuteronomy 31:8:
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Fear and discouragement create stagnancy and persistent disappointment in marriage. If you’ve had your fill of those, why not try God’s path of faith and boldness? When you begin taking initiative instead of simply feeling sorry for yourself, you become an active woman, and active women mirror the active God who made them.
We Serve an Active God
The first thing God wants us to know in Genesis chapter 1 is that he is an extraordinarily active God. In Genesis chapter one, thirty-eight active verbs describe what God does: he creates, he speaks, he separates, he calls, he blesses, he gives, and much more—all in just one chapter. Then—and this is key—he tells the woman and the man to do the same: “God blessed them [male and female] and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground’ ” (Genesis 1:28).
God made you, as a woman, to rule in this world, to subdue it, to act according to his image.
Sin often drags us back toward sluggishness, despair, and despondency—giving in to life as it is rather than remaking life as it could be with God’s redeeming power unleashed. People give up on their marriages, give up on prayer, give up on their churches, give up on their kids, and eventually even give up on themselves. They say, “It’s no use,” and start to sulk instead of painstakingly remaking their marriage—simply because their first (or even tenth) attempt failed.
Initial romantic intensity is unearned; it seems to fall on us out of nowhere. But a solid, lasting marriage has to be built (and sometimes rebuilt) stone by stone. You married a fallen man and that means the time will come when you need to become an active woman to confront the weaknesses you see in yourself and your husband.
As daunting as this might seem, here’s the hope behind it: the current challenges in your marriage may well be God’s vehicle for you to become the strong woman he created you to be. Maybe you grew up with an overly passive view of being a woman. Maybe you’ve always let people run over you and allowed things to happen rather than to rise up and unleash the power that is yours as a woman not only created in the image of God, but filled with His Holy Spirit.
The current challenges in your marriage may well be God’s vehicle for you to become the strong woman he created you to be. - Gary Thomas, Loving Him WellClick To TweetThis challenge, as scary and painful as it might be, could be the doorway to new growth, new maturity and a new woman who more closely resembles the character of Jesus Christ.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Very well explained – if we do nothing, we are just waiting for the worst to happen. If we see something is not right then let’s act on it immediately.
Sheila, thank you for this timely post and encouragement… My New Year’s Resolution was to be bold in my marriage against sin, while not disrespecting my husband… I have been too passive in the name of peace and it has not helped either of us…So with prayer and thoughtfulness…I will take a breath and be bold!
Way to go! And that’s very wise. God calls us to be peacemakers, not peacekeepers.
Blessings to you!
Don’t want to take anything away from the intention of the excellent post, but I do think the anti-dependant view regarding the husband extreme. Children are dependent on parents in many ways, yet we would not describe their dependence as idolatrous. In the same way, God has intended for a wife to be dependent on her man. Christ said, “Man does not live by bread alone…” That is, man is dependent on bread, but not only bread. Man is jointly dependent on every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. In the same way, a wife should see herself as jointly dependent on her husband and God. It is a joint dependence, designed to foster a firmer bond between the two.
I think the phrase you’re looking for is “interdependent”. Husbands and wives should be interdependent, but not dependent.
I think what Gary’s saying, though, is that we sometimes FEEL that we are dependent and therefore have no choice, without realizing where our sustenance comes from. Many women, for instance, fear leaving abusive marriages because they have no income. That’s being dependent in the wrong way.
But, yes, there is a sense where both husbands and wives depend on one another. Ultimately, though if we depend on each other more than God it can become idolatry.
Sheila, I agree that a husband and wife should be interdependent. In my opinion, it is incredibly unhealthy to only acknowledge a wife’s dependence on her husband and ignore the fact that a husband is also SUPPOSED to depend on his wife. Woman, afterall, was created with the specific purpose to be man’s helper and the only thing that was not good about God’s creation was that man was initially alone without that helper. I don’t think you can have a Godly or healthy marriage without acknowledging that you need each other for the marriage to work.
I’m also going to go out on a limb here and say that I don’t think there is an amount that we depend on our spouse that causes it to become idolatry. Really, in a Godly marriage, we SHOULD be able to depend on our spouse through thick and thin. But that’s just the thing. God has to be behind that dependence. When my husband is following God and depending on Him, there is really no limit to how much I can depend on my husband because I am ultimately depending on the source of his dependability: God. But if my husband is not acting in a godly manner, and not following or depending on God, then I cannot depend on my husband. I need to, therefore, depend fully on God and acknowledge the fact that I am unable to depend on my husband. If I attempt to continue to depend on my husband when he is no longer dependable through God, then I am at risk for idolatry. Especially if I fail to trust in and depend on God in the process. God needs to be the center and the source. I hope that made sense. Just my thoughts on the matter.
While I agree that marriage was designed to create strong, compelling relationships, I would challenge that God design makes woman “jointly” dependent on God and her husband. What does that mean for single women and widows? Are married women less dependent on God or are widows and singles less provided for?
Additionally, I see a lot of comments from women where dependence on their husbands is very much undermining their ability to be dependent on God.
Example: “my husband cheats and is addicted to porn, we’ve tried counseling and confrontation and everything else and nothing has worked. Unfortunately I can’t leave financially (ie: my husband is my provider and I won’t trust God to provide for me) so I’ve given up and enabled sin to thrive in my home, husband, and marriage.”
In my case, my husband and I both work the same amount of hours at demanding jobs, but by sheer luck I make significantly more money. It’s not what we planned, just how we made the most of the opportunities we had. I am happily married, but I am not dependent on my husband in any practical way. Am I at odds with God’s design? Should I limit my earnings to ensure that I would be destitute if my husband ever left?
Finally, can you provide a biblical imperative for wives being dependent? I am honestly asking. The only thing I could think of was the fall and the curse that “your husband will rule over you”, but I often see that more emotionally playing out than practically, and I’ve always thought that Jesus broke the curse of the fall (for men and women) and made us more than victors. And still, a curse is significantly different from a commandment or law.
I might be misunderstanding your point, but I think you can love someone deeply and have a holy marriage without the woman being dependent by design…
Sarah, I don’t see any “curse of the fall” as you called it. What I do see is The Great Physician applying remedies to help man and wife going forward. Part of the remedy was to increase Eve’s sense of dependency on Adam. This was accomplished by increasing both the number of her pregnancies and asociated pain. The financial dependence you mentioned in your example is normally a good thing, although like any vulnerable position, it can be taken advantage of. Normally it should foster a greater sense of responsibility in a husband that loves his wife. We should expect to see marriage relationships becoming more and more transient as more and more we see these natural remedies taken away.
Doug, hold on a minute, please. Are you saying that Eve’s dependence on Adam because of her pregnancies and pain is a GOOD THING? That’s not biblical. That was a result of the fall, and is a punishment.
It was never God’s design for men to rule over women. That is because sin entered the world, and in Christ, “there is no male nor female.” (Galatians 3:28). Women and men were meant to be interdependent in marriage; that is what is following God’s design.
Sheila, this was the common position of prominent reformers on Genesis 3:
“For God does not consider, in chastising the faithful, what they deserve; but what will be useful to them in the future; and fulfills the office of a physician rather than of a judge.” ~John Calvin
“The punishments inflicted by God are the remedies and the restraints of our vitiated nature.” ~Peter Martyr
The Lord is looking out not only for our marriage relationships, but also the beneficial raising of children through healthy, intact families.
The principle of inducing dependency is illustrated well in the intriguing romance movie Phantom Thread, although in this case it is the woman that induces the dependency on the man through the agency of mushrooms, lol. Likewise, Paul’s thorn in the flesh was a “good thing.”
While dependency can be abused, often it constrains couples to stick together and work things out.
Doug, we need to be very, very careful of saying that the punishments for the fall are actually God’s designs after all, because that makes it sound like our post-fallen state is God’s actual preferred nature for us, when it is not. We were not created to be in subordination with one another, having power over one another, or hurting one another. Nor were we created to be dependent upon one another; we were created to be dependent upon God and to worship Him together, in harmony.
Jesus came to erase the punishment for sin. Our goal, then, should not be to make the fallen nature as good as it can be, but instead to get back to what we were intended to be.
It is like how initially, when anaesthesia was discovered, it was withheld from women on theological grounds because it was better for them to go through pain, since that’s what God had ordained.
God did not ordain it; it was the result of the fall. Let’s not pretty up the fall with theological arguments, and instead realize that what God designed us for was living in perfect harmony and unity with Him and with each other.
And arguing that women are to be financially dependent on men in a world where many women earn more, and where millennial men are increasingly stay at home dads (while the family fares just fine) is likely not the best route to go. Let’s instead ask: no matter what financial arrangement is best for your particular marriage, how can you ensure that you are not relying on each other more than God so much that you neglect doing what God wants you to do? That is the heart of this post, and that is what really matters!
My question is what is the best way to go about infighting change. I know the Bible talks about winning a husband without a word, but what does that mean? And since when does submission, which the verse talks about, mean silence or not using words. I have always thought that part of submission was doing the best thing for the person you are supposed to be submitting to, which includes talking to them. Why does the Bible say to win without words? And, which is my more important question, does winning without a word only apply to wives? I know the verse says that, but how is a husband supposed to win his wife, influence her and change her behavior, I know a husband is supposed to be a leader, so his submission is different to his wife, but does that mean a husband can try to talk to his wife about changing her behavior, or even demand/lead her in that direction while a wife is only to change her own behavior and hope her husband follows? Because that seems quite unfair and most likely ineffective because a wife, even if her husband talks to her, doesn’t have to follow his lead. I guess my question is, 1. how do wives win their husbands without a word and how can words actually be used by a wife and 2. how does a husband win his wife and is he allowed to use more words, leadership, commands or instruction? I realize a man is the leader of his family and therefore could instruct his wife, but honestly when would that work out well and if a man does not want to be nagged by his wife to do better, why would a wife want to be instructed either. I think winning in a humble way showing the way with actions is best for both spouses, but why does the Bible only say wives? And what does a wife winning her husband have to do with her submission to him, because submission does not mean silence, and just because a husband is not submissive to his wife in the same way does not mean he can just tell her what to do or force her to change. He should have the same humility, focus on his own behavior, and not tell his wife what to do. Submission does not mean obedience.
That’s a great question!
I want to point out that the passage in 1 Peter about “winning without words” is really often taken out of context. What it is talking about is how to share the gospel with an unbelieving husband, and the answer is “don’t hit him over the head with a Bible.” Just be yourself and let Christ shine through you.
The verse is NOT addressing what to do if your husband is sinning against you. It really is only talking about how you show Christ to him.
If we are talking about sin, other passages better apply.
And to me, whether it’s a husband or wife who has to confront a spouse who is sinning, it’s about saying your piece gently, but then putting up firm boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate. So if someone is spending all of your savings, for instance, and is blowing all your money and endangering the family because there is nothing left to pay the house payment or the utilities, you talk to them about it, but you may also choose for instance to open your own bank account, to get a third person to sit down with your spouse and ask to have the credit cards handed over, to return large purchases or sell them to make money, to insist that you get some credit counselling, and even, in extreme cases, to say that you may need to separate just to ensure that your children are adequately taken care of with food and shelter until the spouse gets their act in order. Those are examples of boundaries. You don’t just nag or order someone around; you say, “My children and I need shelter and food. If you are endangering that, then I will have to take action to fulfill my own responsibility to care for myself and my kids.” You really don’t need to say much more than that. It’s not about words; it’s about actions.
Indeed that’s really what Peter was saying when it came to winning someone to Christ, too. It’s not about words; it’s about actions.
Does that make sense?
Yes, that makes more sense for sure. So what would be the right way for a husband to win over an unbelieving wife? If an unbelieving husband can be won by actions and not by nagging, is the same true for an unbelieving wife? Or is a husbands leadership a reason for a husband to do something differently? I just don’t understand how submission is supposed to make women act differently toward men as men do toward women. Submission is a very hard concept for me. Especially because, besides taking responsibility and initiating, most of the things women are supposed to do out of submission are things I think men should do too. I just want to lead in the right way and not expect a kind of submission that I shouldn’t from my wife. I want to take the lead but not overdo it and of course I want her to be submissive because that is what God wants, but I don’t make decisions without her, I don’t even think I have the final say necessarily (case-by-case basis although I would never object to her giving the final say) and I don’t like how men sometimes say that they lead places that their wife has to sacrifice for, or their leading makes it seem like their way is more important or things happen on their time not their wives. I do not like being nagged, but at the same time I realize if she doesn’t say stuff sometimes, everything happens on my time and in my way, not hers. And also I am always unsure how this should play out with kids. I know kids should know their dad is a leader, but how does that play out when both parents have authority over their kids and I don’t want them to think my decisions are more important or more final that their moms. I know this is a lot of questions but I just worry we aren’t doing something right and I do not want to hold my wife back at all or make our kids not respect her or not listen to her, but I also do not want to be passive or lazy.
Hi there!
I think it’s great that you want to be a good husband and a good father. But can I suggest that perhaps you’re overthinking it?
What we know from Scripture is that we’re both to love each other immensely, and that we are to serve each other, and that we’re to do everything by living by the Spirit. Why don’t you concentrate on listening to God, and throw yourself completely into that, rather than trying to make sure that your kids know that you are the ultimate leader? When we humble ourselves before God, everything else really does become apparent. Our main goal should be looking like Christ, not fulfilling a role. When we make it into fulfilling a role, we’re creating rules and legalism and becoming a Pharisee. When we make it about humbling ourselves before Christ, abiding in Him, growing and walking in the Spirit, then everything else becomes clearer.
Thanks for sharing Sheila, this is what I needed to hear today. I think I’ve been placing too much dependence on our marriage and freaking out when I don’t see positive change, rather than looking to God and moving forward in his strength. At home group this week we studied the start of James 1 about trials producing perseverance and how God’s intention through hard times is to make us more like him if we look to him for strength to overcome, and I guess that’s what this segment is saying too.
I feel like this is just so simple and got overcomplicated today. It’s called LEAD BY EXAMPLE. Christ’s example. Whether you are man or woman. Today I am the leader in my house. I was not for a long time. Grace was the leader in our house because I was not qualified. I needed her example of her unconditional love, holding the house down, keeping the family in tact, her income, her unconditional support and sacrifice for me. Yes she did that for me and did so out of God’s principles instilled in her not because I am some idol. As matter of fact I am far from it! Today I talk about Jesus in my house. It is not by any means some preaching thing or overbearing. It is always during prayer and sometimes when certain issues/subjects arise in our family; I will bring him up. My wife does not talk about Jesus. I actually can’t recall her her saying his name other than I know she says it at church when everyone else does. She did have areal great insight during Sunday school about Jesus that was pretty cool a few months ago….However, I don’t use words to tell her she needs to talk about Jesus. That is her journey. And maybe I am not qualified to tell her she needs to do that (just yet) or maybe never? She obviously has some the ten commandments instilled in her otherwise she would not be with me due to all that I have done in our past. This my preferred path: I use myself as an example. The hope is that one day she will catch on. The hope is that my children will catch on too. I believe they will. That is the story I think is being told here today.
oh and typo needing correction – its not some of the ten commandments. It is she does have the ten commandments instilled in her.
I have a question about the whole “win them without a word” idea. I was on a website reading about a husband’s take on this, which was great, because he was talking about all of the wonderful character-filled and Christ like things his wife does that spurs him on to Christ even more. But one of the things he said his wife does is “when she sacrifices to follow me and does so joyfully”. I do not know why but this rubbed me the wrong way because what husband who loves his wife would lead her in a way that causes her to sacrifice. I realize that sometimes big things like moving for a job or going on a budget require a sacrifice for one or both people, and maybe a husband led in this way, but it was for both of their goods and should be a mutual decision and hopefully a mutual sacrifice (or if a singular sacrifice should be proven to be the best possible way to do things and something that will benefit the sacrificing spouse in the Long run). But am I wrong for thinking that it is wrong for a husband to lead his wife into sacrifice, especially for his gain? Isn’t it the whole point of a husband being a leader that HE is the one sacrificing and not leading in such a way that it is causing his wife to sacrifice for him to gain. I really don’t know why that statement rubbed me in such a bad way, but if a wife sacrifices, it should be for following the Lord, who her husband is also following, not just for his gain, or he is abusing his leadership. Any thoughts?
Robin, I would completely agree with you. The problem with the way that many people define submission is that it makes disagreements almost holy. For instance, if God wants us to submit to our husband’s leadership, and if what we mean by that is that when we disagree, the wife will let the husband make the decision, then disagreeing and allowing him to decide is somehow holier than wrestling it out in prayer and allowing the Holy Spirit to lead you. If you wrestle it out in prayer, and you agree, then there is no opportunity for a woman to submit!
That’s one of the reasons why I believe that we have missed the boat on submission, and why often you run into scenarios like the one you described, where a woman sacrificing and a man leading where he wants is somehow seen as holy, rather than the two of them praying together to find God’s will.
Thank you so much for this post! It is so easy in marriage to turn our eyes and focus off of Jesus and focus on our husbands. For me, you hit the nail on the head with, “the current challenges in your marriage may well be God’s vehicle for you to become the strong woman he created you to be.” God continues to challenge and grow me through different tests and situations in my marriage.