For many women, sex just isn’t that great at the beginning of the marriage.
This week we’ve been looking at specific ways to make sex better, and today, to wrap it all up, I thought it was time for a bit of a pep talk.
Here’s one of the problems we women have starting marriage: we have nothing to compare sex to except for movies and our husbands. It’s not like we really know what’s going on in anyone else’s bedroom, so we look at movies, where women are aroused and excited from the get go, and always have a wonderful time. And then we look at our husbands, who are similarly aroused and excited from the get go, and don’t usually take very long to reach climax.
And we think that’s “normal”.
So when we take a long time to get aroused or reach orgasm, we figure there’s something wrong with us.
Here’s how it often goes: we start to touch each other, and we women are a little nervous. We’re not sure exactly what we want. But it’s obvious that our husbands are ready for the main event.
Maybe he tries to touch you to make you feel good, but it’s not really working. You don’t know why; it’s just that your body isn’t really responding. What he’s doing feels a little awkward. But he’s obviously impatient (and doesn’t seem that into foreplay), and you start to wonder if your body can even respond anyway, because it just doesn’t seem to. Because you’re embarrassed that nothing is really happening, and so you just say something like, “it’s great honey, let’s go” anyway.
And lo and behold, sex feels great for him, but not for you.
After doing this for long enough, you feel stuck. It’s hard to tell him, “everything we’ve done up until now really hasn’t felt that good”. But you can start the conversation (Here’s a post on how to reset your sex life if you’re in this situation!)
But today, let me give you some encouragement, and then tell you where we’re going from here.
For most couples it takes years to make sex work like clockwork, where you’re both enjoying it, and you both climax.
It isn’t something that most people experience right off the bat. So there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, even in secular studies, the biggest sexual problem that women under 30 have is that they can’t orgasm during intercourse. This problem diminishes as women get older, showing again that it’s not the bombshells on the magazine covers that are having the most fun; it’s older, married couples!
In my studies that I took for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, years 16-20 were the sweet spot for how great sex was, although years 11-15 weren’t too bad, either. It honestly does get better.
If I were to have taken that survey at year 4 of marriage, it would have been very different for how I answered at year 16.
So how do things get better? First, men are able to control themselves a little more the longer they’re married. They’re usually not in such a rush. And they genuinely want their wives to experience pleasure. And second, women become not quite so confused or overwhelmed by the whole process, and they find it easier to ask for what they want. They also figure out, eventually, what they want! And both of you get used to each other, don’t tend to take offense as quickly later in marriage, realize that you’re in for the long haul, and so it’s easier to let small things go and just genuinely enjoy each other.
Unfortunately, we don’t tell women this message very much. I think the impression that most people have is that the way sex is at the beginning of the marriage is the way that sex will always be. Instead of seeing sex as a journey, where you’re going to learn how to relate to each other better as the years go by, we think it’s something you either know how to do or you don’t. And so when things don’t work, we think we’re doomed. We think of sex more like a sprint than a marathon. It’s something you should be able to get to and master right away; we don’t realize it’s really quite a long process.
Can The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex Help Me?
And we start to believe that sex was made for men, and not for women. We often give up. And we start the whole process of trying to avoid sex or turning our husbands off (did you see that funny video?).
Instead, just believe me when I say this: it does get better. If you haven’t figured out how to get it to work great yet, don’t worry about it. Really. It will not always be this way. Just keep having a good attitude about it, and things will fall into place. And it is not just Christians who have problems in this area, either. In fact, Christians have fewer problems than other people. It’s not like everyone else is having a great time except for you. Most people, at the beginning of a relationship, have trouble getting everything to work well. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean that it CAN’T work well, or that you can’t do anything about it. It’s just that what you’re experiencing is normal.
It can get better.
You were created for pleasure, even if you don’t feel very much right now.
Your body is not dead; you can learn how to feel great!
It takes time for most people; you are not a freak, or abnormal, or frigid.
So relax! And take heart.
Even just this last week, I received an email from a woman who said:
And hers is just one of dozens like that which I’ve received. It is possible.
So as we talk this week about how to make sex feel better, just remember that it’s okay if it’s not great right off the bat. It’s okay if you’re still struggling to feel aroused. You’re on a journey; and the more that you realize that things aren’t necessarily going to stay this way, the easier it will be to move forward!
But I also don’t mean t make it sound like it’s going to take years and years either. For many couples it does, but I think that’s because we’re so nervous, we don’t communicate well, and we also don’t understand that sex has a learning curve.
When you do realize that there are things you can do to make sex feel better, though, often sex improves very, very quickly.
In other words, it takes time for most couples to realize that there is something better and they can get there, not to actually get there.
It’s like that woman in the comments–she took a look at 31 Days to Great Sex, and she found that sex really changed. And it likely was mostly because her mindset changed.
Many couples take years to be vulnerable enough to say: “I think we could do this better,” Or “how about trying this?” or “can we learn about this?”
Don’t wait the years. Do something now! And then maybe you won’t have to wait until year 16 for sex to work really well!
Here are some resources that can help:
Learn Great Sex Tips!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
While this article does a bit better job, your Facebook meme stresses that it gets better with time. Well, “time” by itself will not improve it. In fact, I dare say it will make it worse.
Mike, actually, research says the opposite. The longer you’re together, the better sex gets, in general.
But obviously it depends WHY it isn’t great. And certainly for some people it may never improve. But the keys seem to be feeling more comfortable with each other, feeling more secure with each other, and being able to communicate about everything easily. As you grow those areas–which do tend to grow the longer you’re married–then sex will tend to get better!
Hi all,
I hardly know what to say. My wife and I are very close and love each other very much. A whole host of health issues with her has had the effect of a no sex marriage for probably 15 years. There are times when it seemed we might be able…but that slight window of opportunity disappears, and we deal with the next issue together. We are close, we snuggle, and we greatly appreciate what we have. Truthfully, I do wish for more as she does, but we are determined to make the absolute best of what we have. Sometimes ‘time’ changes you in ways which only God understands. Without our Father, His great love and Grace at the center of our lives, we would never have made it.
It takes men awhile to get used to things as well. It’s been 7 and a half years for my wife and I and I’m still learning. Men don’t have any comparisons except our wives and the media. I do think you blogged on this recently, but the media doesn’t paint the accurate picture. Couples go to the bedroom together and there’s never any problem whatsoever. Everything goes in just fine automatically and there is never any mess whatsoever. No one puts out a towel or anything.
Anyone who is not a virgin should automatically know that’s false.
Very good article! My husband and I are approaching year 5 and I’d say we’re currently having our best, most consistent sex. If it gets even better at year 15 then I can’t wait!
Yeah, we’re at year 26 and I’m starting to get worried. 🙂 But so far, so good!
Hi Sheila I think you hit the nail on the head that women receive the wrong messages. that’s just societies wrong perception. the other thing I would add is a reinforcement of the word genuine that is used around here alot. I think that’s real key. so many times I see people write around here “well I did that and it didn’t work” well guess what? it does work. If it works for me why wouldn’t it work for you? I’m a nobody sex addict guy who doesn’t deserve any more than you do. I would say you probably weren’t genuine. in the last multiple months I’ve had conversations with folks about how I found Jesus and they tell me they know Jesus. I tell them no you don’t. if you did you wouldn’t be doing the things that you do. ( that statements directed for guys I work with in sex addiction recovery but it certainly could apply to anyone). I’ve been Thumping on Jesus around here a lot lately and all I can tell you is The more I talk about him the more my life just keeps getting better. I say add Jesus into your sex life. try it it’s wonderful! have a great weekend all and have fun!
Phil, I absolutely agree! You’re so right. And often people do say they know Jesus when their actions show otherwise.
Thanks for that!
Phil, you said: “If it works for me why wouldn’t it work for you?”
Simple. I’m not you. My husband isn’t you. There is no “one size fits all” solution. God made us all different.
Jesus is one size fits all Rosie. I really hope you find him.
This is all so true. I have to confess though, that we started the 31 Days book and got a couple of weeks into it and were so discouraged that we took a break and never came back to it 🙁 I’m so glad it has helped others but for us apparently that was not the ticket. THIS post, however: tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/10/honeymoon-blues-to-over-the-rainbow/ It gave me hope, and we did get there!! Anyway, we’re at 3.5 years so I’m excited to see where we are 10 and 15 years from now 🙂
H. I will add for you more hope. my wife and I’ve been on day five of 31 days for months and I don’t know why she doesnt wanna move forward but somehow things are still great. Never been better. I can’t wait to capture the book because I know we can get even better…which seems impossible to me yet I know its true. Maybe the better isnt for me. Maybe its for her. 😁. Maybe I am on-a pink cloud. I dont care its great. Peace and hope to you.
It took 9 years for me too. Thank you for your 31 Days, Sheila. It made a huge difference for us!
Unfortunately, our sex life has not improved with age. The best sex was during the first 5 years of marriage for us. Last 5 years of a 35+ years marriage has been the worst. We have been discouraged that she still has not been able to organism (close and never truly experience the “O”). This is probably has something to due with her health issues (fibro, chronic pain). Even with various treatments, her health (and sex life) has not improved much.
I am glad that for many couples, their sex life has improved over the years. I am praying that our married daughters will not have to struggle like my wife and I.
As I read this, I am crying. Not because of hope, although that is certainly better than nothing, but rather because women have to wait and hurt and struggle in the first place. From the wedding night, women have to deal with pain, discomfort, nervousness and are expected to have a good attitude and keep going, while men get it good right from the start. Men don’t have to wait and figure out how to orgasm, men don’t deal with pain, men don’t “push through and keep trying when it isn’t good” to get there. And it just isn’t fair. I know life is not fair, but why would God do this to us? I can hardly think about a wedding night, my own or anyone elses, without breaking down in tears about the reality of a woman breaking her hymen, bleeding and hurting on her wedding night while her new husband is the one that did that to her. How can men do that? How can men every have sex with a woman without feeling bad for what it does? Are men really that selfish? And why does it have to be this way? I hear peoples stories about their “gracious” husbands who were patient and went slow on their painful wedding night, but THE WOMAN WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO ENDURE IT, NOT HIM! I just makes me question God and how much he loves women. It hurts me so so bad, I cannot even explain. Why? Why did God even make a hymen? Why are women the ones that have to endure and suffer and keep a good attitude while men are always fine? How can any man want to have sex with a virgin knowing what it will be like for her? I could never do that to my husband if it was the other way around. Id rather just not have sex! I just don’t understand. This article aims to provide hope, and I suppose it does, but it also just points to so much that is wrong with the world and how women always always always come come out on bottom. I am just tired of hurting about this, but I can’t escape it because sex will always exist and will always be better for men from the get go. Why would God do this to women? Why create a hymen or make it so hard for a woman to have pleasure? Is it true that it is supposed to signify a blood covenant? I just don’t understand how God can be good anymore.
NorahLee, I’m so sorry. I feel your pain, I really do. Sex was difficult for me when I was first married, and it did seem so very, very unfair.
I did write a post a while ago on whether God liked men better, and I really encourage you to read it. I hope it gives some perspective and some hope!
I do think that there are a lot of hard parts about being a woman, but there are also a lot of good ones. And let’s remember that we are in a fallen world. It isn’t supposed to be perfect. I don’t think all of this is what God intended at all. So if we can get more of a glimpse of God’s character, and how much He loves us, it’s easier to see that the pain that we endure really isn’t from God.
Hi NorahLee. I know Sheila is talking from her own experience of having a hard time with sex for a while at the beginning and although many women do have that experience, not all do. I didn’t. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married and although there was a slight bit of discomfort the first time, for a very brief moment, I wouldn’t call it pain. Sex was amazing for me right from the first time and although we had a lot to learn, we loved learning it together and it was always good. Sex has never been a struggle for me in any way. We have been married for twenty years and have had a great sex life the entire time. It has gotten better the longer we have been together but I would have told you that sex was great at any time in our marriage because it was. Just wanted to give you a different perspective.
NorahLee, Trust that your Creator knows what he is doing. He has a much bigger picture in mind than just our own personal comfort. That said — if our society does not succeed in making all men ashamed of masculinity — you will eventually find yourself so attracted to a particular man that your fear of pain will seem miniscule in comparison to your desire to be one with him. The LORD has written it in your biology, lest the human race come to a halt. Take what Sheila says to heart, ignorance is the cause of most sex that is not enjoyable, due in most respects to an ignorant husband who thinks he’s a stud. Men generally project their satisfaction onto their wives, in much the same way humans project their feelings onto animals. Husbands need to learn their wives. Honest feedback will go a long ways toward cutting the years down to weeks.😉
Key word: practice. 4 times a year does not equal practice. It barely equals caring.
Fifteen years into marriage, sex is non-existent for us. It was pretty good at first and got better, then we spent a long time trying to conceive and it became a bit of a chore. Then we had a newborn, and it was a pretty traumatic birth, and I had an episiotomy which wouldn’t heal for a long time. We didn’t have sex again until she was two – I am not joking here – but that one time, it was fantastic. After that, meh. I was always the one to initiate, which I find hard at the best of times, but when my husband nearly always said no, it was even harder. On the rare occasions sex actually happened, it wasn’t that he didn’t try to make it good for me, but it always had to be his way and the same way; if I tried (gently!) suggesting we tried something different, he refused. Now I just don’t know what to do any more and to be honest I seem to have lost interest as well.
We are starting our 31st year of marriage and I agree with the author…sex gets better if you are investing time and effort into your marriage. I’ve always enjoyed the sex and passion we shared but the depth and ability to please each other has grown immensely.