For many women, sex just isn’t that great at the beginning of the marriage.
This week we’ve been looking at specific ways to make sex better, and today, to wrap it all up, I thought it was time for a bit of a pep talk.
Here’s one of the problems we women have starting marriage: we have nothing to compare sex to except for movies and our husbands. It’s not like we really know what’s going on in anyone else’s bedroom, so we look at movies, where women are aroused and excited from the get go, and always have a wonderful time. And then we look at our husbands, who are similarly aroused and excited from the get go, and don’t usually take very long to reach climax.
And we think that’s “normal”.
So when we take a long time to get aroused or reach orgasm, we figure there’s something wrong with us.
Here’s how it often goes: we start to touch each other, and we women are a little nervous. We’re not sure exactly what we want. But it’s obvious that our husbands are ready for the main event.
Maybe he tries to touch you to make you feel good, but it’s not really working. You don’t know why; it’s just that your body isn’t really responding. What he’s doing feels a little awkward. But he’s obviously impatient (and doesn’t seem that into foreplay), and you start to wonder if your body can even respond anyway, because it just doesn’t seem to. Because you’re embarrassed that nothing is really happening, and so you just say something like, “it’s great honey, let’s go” anyway.
And lo and behold, sex feels great for him, but not for you.
After doing this for long enough, you feel stuck. It’s hard to tell him, “everything we’ve done up until now really hasn’t felt that good”. But you can start the conversation (Here’s a post on how to reset your sex life if you’re in this situation!)
But today, let me give you some encouragement, and then tell you where we’re going from here.
For most couples it takes years to make sex work like clockwork, where you’re both enjoying it, and you both climax.
It isn’t something that most people experience right off the bat. So there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, even in secular studies, the biggest sexual problem that women under 30 have is that they can’t orgasm during intercourse. This problem diminishes as women get older, showing again that it’s not the bombshells on the magazine covers that are having the most fun; it’s older, married couples!
If I were to have taken that survey at year 4 of marriage, it would have been very different for how I answered at year 16.
So how do things get better? First, men are able to control themselves a little more the longer they’re married. They’re usually not in such a rush. And they genuinely want their wives to experience pleasure. And second, women become not quite so confused or overwhelmed by the whole process, and they find it easier to ask for what they want. They also figure out, eventually, what they want! And both of you get used to each other, don’t tend to take offense as quickly later in marriage, realize that you’re in for the long haul, and so it’s easier to let small things go and just genuinely enjoy each other.
Unfortunately, we don’t tell women this message very much. I think the impression that most people have is that the way sex is at the beginning of the marriage is the way that sex will always be. Instead of seeing sex as a journey, where you’re going to learn how to relate to each other better as the years go by, we think it’s something you either know how to do or you don’t. And so when things don’t work, we think we’re doomed. We think of sex more like a sprint than a marathon. It’s something you should be able to get to and master right away; we don’t realize it’s really quite a long process.
Can The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex Help Me?
And we start to believe that sex was made for men, and not for women. We often give up. And we start the whole process of trying to avoid sex or turning our husbands off (did you see that funny video?).
Instead, just believe me when I say this: it does get better. If you haven’t figured out how to get it to work great yet, don’t worry about it. Really. It will not always be this way. Just keep having a good attitude about it, and things will fall into place. And it is not just Christians who have problems in this area, either. In fact, Christians have fewer problems than other people. It’s not like everyone else is having a great time except for you. Most people, at the beginning of a relationship, have trouble getting everything to work well. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean that it CAN’T work well, or that you can’t do anything about it. It’s just that what you’re experiencing is normal.
It can get better.
You were created for pleasure, even if you don’t feel very much right now.
Your body is not dead; you can learn how to feel great!
It takes time for most people; you are not a freak, or abnormal, or frigid.
So relax! And take heart.
Even just this last week, I received an email from a woman who said:
And hers is just one of dozens like that which I’ve received. It is possible.
So as we talk this week about how to make sex feel better, just remember that it’s okay if it’s not great right off the bat. It’s okay if you’re still struggling to feel aroused. You’re on a journey; and the more that you realize that things aren’t necessarily going to stay this way, the easier it will be to move forward!
But I also don’t mean t make it sound like it’s going to take years and years either. For many couples it does, but I think that’s because we’re so nervous, we don’t communicate well, and we also don’t understand that sex has a learning curve.
When you do realize that there are things you can do to make sex feel better, though, often sex improves very, very quickly.
In other words, it takes time for most couples to realize that there is something better and they can get there, not to actually get there.
It’s like that woman in the comments–she took a look at 31 Days to Great Sex, and she found that sex really changed. And it likely was mostly because her mindset changed.
Many couples take years to be vulnerable enough to say: “I think we could do this better,” Or “how about trying this?” or “can we learn about this?”
Don’t wait the years. Do something now! And then maybe you won’t have to wait until year 16 for sex to work really well!
Here are some resources that can help:
Learn Great Sex Tips!