Just in time for Valentine’s Day–here’s a post on 10 ways MEN can improve their sex lives.
Last year I wrote a post on 10 ways women can make sex amazing for their husbands–and this Valentine’s Day I thought I’d do the opposite. And one of my awesome male readers offered to write it! So here’s Keith Schooley from The Schooley files with some great advice for us this Valentine’s Day.
Psst… hey you. Yeah, you, the guy reading Sheila’s girl blog. I know, I know, I read it too. There’s good stuff there, right?
Okay, so you and I both know why we’re here, right? Because Sheila likes to talk about sex. And what guy isn’t interested? And she gives tips for making things better…. aaaaand it’s not always perfect in paradise, right?
But she’s a woman’s voice, talking mostly to other women. So I thought I’d come and, guy to guy, talk about the nitty gritty with you. Some of what I’m going to say you’ve heard before, including from Sheila. But maybe a guy’s voice can persuade you that this stuff is in your own best interest. And maybe you’ll find something new. Who knows?
Before we get started, though, I want to make clear: this is about more-or-less functioning marriages that might have hit a dry patch. I really don’t have anything to say about completely dysfunctional relationships where someone’s been withholding sex for long periods of time. You’re not going to get those answers in a blog post, and there’s no point in starting a comment war about extreme cases. But even in those cases, the first few ideas couldn’t hurt….
One last thing: this list isn’t going to start out seeming very sexy. Don’t worry, we’ll get there. I know you want a big finish.
1. Talk with your wife
I’m not talking about in the bedroom, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m just talking about normal, everyday, general conversation. Notice I said talk with her, not talk to her. This is about listening as much as talking. The main thing we guys need to get between our ears is that for our wives, sex is relational. The more you build up the relationship, the more open she’s going to feel toward sex. And relationships are built up when people feel heard and when they feel shared with. It’s doubtful that many bickering couples or silent couples are creating many fireworks in the bedroom.
2. Share the Load
The usual way this is phrased is “Help with the housework.” But that suggests that maintaining the home is the wife’s responsibility, and anything her husband does is a bonus. That’s the wrong attitude: this home is yours together, and together you need to make it work. Now, that’s going to look different for different couples: if a husband is working two jobs and his wife stays at home, it’s a little unfair to expect him to come home and do half of the housework. On the other hand, if you both work but every night you plop down in front of the TV while your wife takes care of all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, you’re just flat-out being selfish. Or maybe not selfish enough: I mean, if she’s worn out from everything she’s been doing all day, she’s not going to have much energy for you at the end of it, right? KnowwhutImean?
(For you ladies—yes, I know you’re listening in—can I give you a couple tips on this? #1: If your husband is trying to do stuff around the house, try not to micromanage how he does it. Think about how you would respond if your mother-in-law were critiquing your housekeeping in the same way you critique your husband’s. #2: If your husband deals with repairs and heavy lifting, give him credit for that. Splitting the everyday chores down the middle isn’t quite fair if your husband has solo responsibility for fixing the dishwasher and changing the oil in the car and mowing the lawn. Of course, if that gets balanced off by you nursing and changing the baby and stuff like that, that’s also a different story.)
3. Touch outside the bedroom
I’m talking about non-sexual touching here: a hand on the shoulder or elbow, squeezing her hand. Just like talking, touching is a powerful relationship-builder. It silently tells your wife, “I appreciate your presence here, now, in this moment.” I am not talking about grabbing your wife’s boobs or butt out of nowhere—that is not sexy to most women. Write on a chalkboard a hundred times if you have to: “I will not run the bases backwards.” But gentle, non-sexual touching at random times during the day, when you’re not looking for sex (this is key) can pay off handsomely in the bedroom.
The real issue here is crucial, and if you get nothing out of the rest of this list, get this: the main obstacle getting in the way of your wife’s responsiveness to you is her not knowing whether you want her or whether you just want it. If she feels that you are just using her to get it, that’s going to shut her down. That’s why you need to touch her when you’re not looking for sex. If she feels that the only time you ever hold her hand is when you want to get busy in 15 minutes, that defeats the whole purpose. The more she feels you value her and want her, the more open she will be to physical intimacy. And that’s a win for both of you.
4. Warm up before the game
Yes, I’m going to talk about foreplay. The way this is usually approached is to tell guys, “Look, your wife just takes longer to get warmed up than you do. You need to give her some time and take things slow, no matter how badly you want to get to business.” This makes it all about denying yourself in order to please your wife. Let’s look at in another way. I want to let you know what’s in it for you.
To be plain, foreplay isn’t just good for your wife. Foreplay is good for you too. For two reasons: #1: The more aroused your wife gets, the more uninhibited and adventurous she’s going to be willing to be. You might not understand why she’s not as quick to jump into gear as you are, but in the moment, the best way to get her there is through foreplay. #2: You’ve probably figured out that even for you, not all orgasms are created equal. Don’t you find that when you have to wait and get teased for a while, the actual orgasm is more powerful? Doesn’t it, in the long run, make it better, even for you?
5. Remember that sex is a team sport
You and your wife are on the same team. So the object is to get a win for the team, not just for you as an individual player. When you were a kid, did you ever play ball with a ballhog, a bigger kid who wanted to make every play and every score himself? Was that any fun for you? So if you make sex all about yourself, you can’t be too surprised when your wife isn’t too enthusiastic about it.
Now, it’s entirely possible that you never thought about it that way before. You may not have meant to be selfish. You just did what came natural, you figured she was doing what came natural, and it all seemed great to you, and you had no idea why she wasn’t as crazy about it as you were. Well, now it’s time to think about it. If you orient your thinking around trying to please your wife, you’ll find that she will most likely be more enthusiastic about pleasing you. Everybody wins. More than likely, everybody wins better, and more often. Just sayin’.
6. The more she enjoys it, the less inhibited she will be
There’s a lot of overlap between this point and the last one, but the central idea bears reinforcement. Men often want two incompatible things: we want to focus on our own pleasure, and we want our wives to be wildly enthusiastic and uninhibited.
How’s that working out for ya?
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, right? So take a night and decide it’s going to be all about her. Make a point of doing what she likes. Find out what she likes—ask her. (And ladies: if he asks, please tell him! I know you feel weird about it. But seriously—this “If he really loved me, he would just know” stuff really doesn’t work.) And that’s going to lead into….
7. Ladies first
Okay, I know all the romance novels and, er, other media (ahem!) celebrate the joys of the rapturous simultaneous orgasm. Supposedly, if you hold back enough and do it just right, you’ll both reach The Big O at exactly the same time and you’ll see fireworks over a princess castle.
But we live in the real world. Simultaneous orgasms are a rare, happy accident. But they’re not the norm. And the deal is that if you are first, that’s pretty much it for her. It can leave her feeling frustrated, and probably wondering what is wrong with her that she can’t get there. (And shame on you if you reinforce that message.) So it’s not so surprising that she isn’t as excited about repeating the experience as you are.
On the other hand, if you stimulate her (yes, we’re talking foreplay again) and let her reach her climax first, she doesn’t have the same need to cool down that you do. As a matter of fact, she might lose her inhibitions and really be into you at that point. Don’t ask me how I know this. I just do.
8. Enjoy the postgame celebration
One of the least cool things you can do after sex is to roll over and start to snore. It’s like the MVP of the big game walking off the field and not celebrating with his teammates. You need to have respect for the people (or person) who got you there.
Remember I said that the biggest obstacle for your wife is not knowing whether you want her or it? One of the biggest ways you can telegraph that you just want it is to ignore her afterward. Now, once again, you may never have thought of it this way. You probably didn’t intend to be selfish. You might have thought that you both had a great time and now it’s time for sleep. Well, it’s time to wake up to the fact that your wife probably sees it differently.
During the cool-down phase it’s great to say the I love yous, kiss, snuggle. Make her feel special. That’s a feeling that she’s going to want to come back for. And this is kind of the goal, right?
9. Ditch the porn
Okay, so you’ve read what Sheila has to say about porn, you know it’s wrong. Let me try talking to you from a different angle. Porn ruins sex for you.
Basically, porn sets up a bunch of expectations that are hopelessly unrealistic and selfish. It makes you dissatisfied with the reality that God gave you and makes you demand endless youth and variety, makes you hunger for things you wouldn’t even have thought of if porn hadn’t planted them in your mind. It makes you think that women are rapturously excited about things that they actually find disgusting and degrading (and you thought they couldn’t act). And it focuses on nothing but the physical. It can’t portray (and doesn’t want to) the wonderful emotional and spiritual union that God intended sex to be within marriage.
If what you’ve seen in porn is what you’re trying to get out of your marriage bed, you’re doomed to a lifetime of disappointment, frustration, and misdirected anger at a wife who should never have had to act like a prostitute for you in the first place. And you’ll completely miss out on the deeper, richer, much more satisfying passion that your marriage could have had.
10. Stop making her the villain in your sex life
Final point, guys. If you’re struggling with frustration in the bedroom, it’s probable that you’re blaming your wife for all of it. Here’s the thing: blame and resentment are not going to fix your problem. They may give you a feeling of vindication, like the weird pleasure you get from picking at a sore, but they’re actually creating a wedge that makes your wife less responsive.
It’s not really that profound: people do what makes them feel happy and valued and secure. They avoid what makes them feel frustrated and demeaned and unconfident. If your words and actions are making her feel like she’s responsible for your sexual fulfillment and she’s not measuring up, she’s going to retreat from the situation. If your words and actions tell her that she’s precious to you and that you want to contribute to her sexual fulfillment, she’s going to embrace the situation. And I think we’re all looking for a little more embracing.
Bottom line, guys: if you want it, then you need to decide that you want her. If you can’t say honestly that you want your wife as a person, then you need to take that to God. Because anything else is just selfishness. And the truth is that selfishness actually gets you less, not more, of what you’re looking for in the first place.
But if you get to the place that you want her, and she knows that, and your words and actions demonstrate it, then you’ll find that you’re getting a lot more than it. You’re getting a lifetime of love and satisfaction and partnership and friendship that finds its expression in emotional and spiritual and, yes, physical ways. That’s what God wants us married couples to have. Don’t settle for anything less.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This line was worth the price of admission, so to speak: “I will not run the bases backwards.” Preach it, man!
So many other good points as well. Thanks for speaking honesty and in favor of both husbands and wives in the marriage bed!
Thanks very much, J!
I know! I love that, too! 🙂 and thanks for tweeting it.
Hi Keith thanks for the contribution I guess I’d like to start out saying I was surprised you brought up porn todayBecause you said you were not going to talk about dysfunction and that’s just plain dysfunction so sorry I just thought that was a little bit of a downer not that I disagree with any of your points i’d like to add maybe just a summary of what you were talking about earlier in your article about being genuine it takes time for me probably longer than others due to the damage that I did in my marriage. Grace recently told me that it took her a while and in our case probably years for her to recognize my genuineness I I am looking forward to wonderful Valentine’s Day with my wife Hope y’all have a great one too Oh my gosh I just said y’all lol.
There’s a HUGE number of men who struggle with porn that are in otherwise happy marriages. They are good willed men with a battle they are facing. The numbers are too large to leave out. Its become a common problem that many, many marriages have to deal with to some degree. It’s always a good reminder. The Christian community cannot afford to overlook this!
Those were exactly my thoughts, as well as the fact that many guys think of it as harmless fantasy. Thanks for the kind comments.
Hi Phil,
Thanks for the comment. Sorry that part about porn was a downer for you, but as “Happily Married” says, I thought it was too important an issue to leave alone. I hope y’all have a great Valentine’s Day, too.
You should proceed this with a “your mileage may vary” warning. I’ve done all of these, and we still have an essentially sexless marriage. And only once in 26 years on any day near valentines day. Including this year, as it just happens to fall on her period week, and there is the “no sex during period week, or the 3 days before or after it” rule.
And before anyone asks, I asked on Jan 31, since it just happens to fall that way, how about we celebrate it at the beginning or the end of month (but never both – that would be TWICE!). Reply: “What for?”
I hate valentines day.
I’m very sorry that that’s your situation, John. That’s pretty much why I included the caveat, “I really don’t have anything to say about dysfunctional relationships where someone’s been withholding sex for long periods of time.” I’ve been reading Sheila’s blog long enough to know that that would come up. And truthfully, no blogger, or anyone addressing a mass audience, can deal with problems like that. Each person, and each marriage relationship, is different.
That said, you’ve been married just about as long as I have been, which means you’re roughly as old as I am. I think it’s old enough to stop worrying about one arbitrary day on the calendar.
“one arbitrary day on the calendar”
I’m going to have to disagree with you here.
1) Valentines day is toted as the “Love day” – Across the world, without question.
2) The US itself, alone, spends 20 BILLION on valentines day. Worldwide, much higher.
3) The US spends 790 MILLION on valentines day – JUST ON THEIR PETS.
There is nothing “arbitrary about it”. Maybe when it was first came into being, but not anymore. Valentines day = Love Day.
If there are any days on the calendar, where you should celebrate your love of your spouse, dote on them, spoil on them, love on them, appreciate on them, and JUST on them, there’s Valentines Day, your anniversary, and their birthday. 3 days out of a year. 78 days in 26 years, or 9,490 days. Or, 0.8% of that time.
If you can’t do that, if you can’t bring yourself to love on your spouse even just 0.8% of the time, then I say it sure says a lot about how you really “love” your spouse.
There’s nothing arbitrary about it. In fact, its the opposite.
To be very honest, John, my wife and I don’t actually make a big deal out of days like Valentine’s Day. (I know, I know, all the women reading this hate me now.) There’s something in me that just resists doing things on the day you’re “supposed” to.
Instead, I make it a point to surprise my wife on days when she’s not expecting it. Just show up with flowers for no particular reason. Once I got a fantastic deal on Detroit Symphony Orchestra tickets but didn’t tell her where we were going–just told her to save the date and dress up. I also figured out the actual day we had met, and on the twentieth anniversary of that day, I threw her a surprise party–a real surprise because she had no idea that there was anything significant about that day. Played “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” (“It was twenty years ago today….”) and made a little speech.
My point is, build the relationship on the days where it’s not expected. And make it about what you’re giving, not what you’re hoping to get. Just my two cents.
But as I said before, every marriage is different, and can’t really be addressed individually on a blog post.
Keith, are you an ISTP in Myers Briggs personality, by chance? I can totally relate with the ‘not doing it because I’m supposed to’ thing, and often catch myself in that mindset when it comes to all sorts of things! And yeah, we don’t make a big deal about Valentines Day either.
Btw, I loved the post, #5 was especially poignant, I’ve never seen it described with the’ballhog’ analogy, but, by jeez, it fits!
With an attitude about Valentines Day like that, I hope you put in a BIG effort to show your spouse how loved she is!
Hi E,
Thanks for all the kind words. So glad the post was a blessing to you. For what it’s worth, I am actually an INFP.
God bless!
This article is spot on!!
Thank you, Debbie!
Hmmmm….I agree with most of this but I dont want my husband to talk with me and help around the house because he views it merely as a way to get me into bed. Thats like paying for sex. I want him to talk with me because he is interested in my life, my thoughts, my emotions. And its his house too, so helping to keep it clean is just as much his job as mine. He doesnt deserve a reward for that…
I don’t think he’s meaning this as a quid pro quo, but more as a reminder that a man needs to pay attention to all parts of the relationship, not just the part that comes more naturally or seems more pleasurable *to him*.
Hey Sunny – I was actually thinking about you and your situation for some reason today. I said a prayer for you today. My interpretation of Keiths article was that Man and Woman Love each other and participate in ALL areas of the relationship. That ranges from dishes to painting to cleaning toilets the list goes on and on…. but most importantly to Grace is talking and spending quality time with me and physical touch (see also Natalies share) She is a Dual Love language (and then she likes me to get to task #3!) I chase my wife…its’s just what I do…and there is more to that story…however I see our relationship as a give and take or as you say quid pro quo but I don’t see it as I pay you and you pay me. I see it as I love You and You love me! So tonight I dragged the garbage up the driveway and I am about to go do the dishes…don’t really like any of that…most importantly I will talk to my wife tonight and we are planning on spending some quality time together tomorrow..actually quite a bit. Me? I am simple. Give me some Steak, Shrimp some quality time with the wife and and you betcha – Sex is high on the list. NO surprise here I am Physical touch #1 priority for my Love Language followed by quality time. Yes please that is how I like to be loved. And I like Coca Cola but really shouldn’t have it….so the wife keeps little bottles for me on hand…and I tell her not to buy it then I go down the street and buy one and then she just buys it when she is at the store…love… and the story goes on…love and love….have a great night 🙂 Got a headache gonna go grab a coke lol
Exactly, Sunny-dee! Thanks for the kind words.
Hi A!
Actually, I completely agree with you. In fact, regarding “sharing the load,” I wrote, “This home is yours together, and together you need to make it work.”
My point is not that guys should do these things just to get sex. My point is that guys who are unhappy with their sex lives need to recognize that neglecting these things starves the relationship, and a healthy sex life can only grow out of a healthy relationship to begin with. In fact, I try to make the point that if you’re just doing it for sex, that will be obvious, and it will backfire.
God bless!
Nicely said! My only comment is actually to wives. If your husband is trying any of the things in this list, I can pretty much guarantee that it’s slightly out of his comfort zone. So give him credit, kudos and a little “you know” for the effort. His timing may be poor or not exactly what you want but he’s trying. Use it as an opportunity to encourage, guide and direct. He will get better at it, I promise! If he feels discouragement from you, he’ll give up and you don’t want that. Ultimately you’re in this together so make it a mutually growing experience. It is totally worth it! 😉
Great point, Heidi!
Thanks Heidi for your encouragement 🙂 I needed that positivity!
That is extraordinarily kind and wise advice, Heidi. Thank you!
I agree with many of the tips from this author. However points 1-3 should not be tied to sex at all. A husband should do these things even in a sexless marriage. Giving sex as a reward is a big no-no in my book.
Absolutely! A husband who truly loves and respects his wife wouldnt do these things for sex. Its dishonest, poor woman thinks he is interested in her day and he is just thinking of his “reward” later on. You dont “deserve” sex because you are being a decent human being.
I don’t think he’s saying that a husband should JUST do this for sex…married intimacy is part of married life and all of it is like a finely choreographed dance. No….you can’t separate these things- household chores, non sexual touches and sex. Keith is explaining this to men who may have genuinely never thought those things make a difference to their wife. And it helps to have some extra motivation other than just being a helpful husband:) Marriage is constant give and take.
That is exactly my point, Steph. Thanks for the kind words.
Hi Anonymous,
I agree with you. I never said to do those things just for sex, or “You should expect sex if you do them.” But let’s face it: lots of guys are uncommunicative, lazy around the house, and never touch their wives. And then they approach their wives in the bedroom, and have no idea that they’ve already screwed things up, and they’re clueless regarding why their wives are unresponsive. I’m trying to use a humorous way of pointing that out to them.
And let’s face it, if I had left those things out, someone would be pointing out to me that none of this bedroom stuff is going to make any difference as long as her husband is a distant, lazy lump outside the bedroom.
Sex shouldn’t be based on what a husband does, but let’s be honest … most times it is just that. If it were freely given, websites like this and many books would never be needed. I think most men have received the clear message that they are expected to do certain things or intimacy will grind to a halt.
Hi FollowerOfChrist,
Well, as has been pointed out to me, several things I’ve written shouldn’t actually be based on what a wife does, either. We could generalize and say that everyone should do the right thing all the time regardless of what anyone else does.
But that being said, is it really all that hard to cultivate a relationship with your wife where she feels loved and special, and you get enthusiastic sex instead of obligation sex? Is it really that much of a burden?
Based not only on personal experience, but on the vast number of books, magazine articles, websites, and other resources that address marriage issues, the answer is clear. It is hard. It is challenging, but not impossible. And let’s be completely honest, intimacy is not based on just the husband and wife’s actions. Issues with life can greatly increase that challenge. Issues with children, especially adult children, can make it difficult for a wife to have a focus on intimacy (and yes, it can cause husbands to lose that focus as well. However, the point I was making is that working together to take care of the home does often motivate a wife to spend intimate time with her husband. People can object to it, but it is the reality.
Yes, I understand you better now. Thank you. Very good points. You’re right: a lot of outside issues can affect a couple’s focus on intimacy, and working together can help couples regain that focus. God bless.
Keith, I want you to know that I am not criticizing what you wrote. I have a good marriage where God is the center and the authority. I still tell my kids, some of whom are old enough to consider marriage, that it is challenging. However, just about anything worth doing is challenging.
Sometimes yes!
Sometimes you try and try to show love and see nothing. Not that you are keeping score. But it’s pretty obvious when the score is 0.
Last time we made love, New Years day.
I could go through the list and say I’m probably a 95% here.
We are going to be in the car for three hours today, and I can guarantee that instead of talking, she’ll be on her phone or tablet reading or watching the next binge.
I got up at ~5am today, to fix the garage door that broke yesterday and pull her car in so there is no ice on the windshield. I do laundry, clean the bathrooms, make meals, and other such things as well as do 100% of the “man maintenance” on the home. She wasn’t there with me helping with the garage door.
Frankly, it seems the only place we touch is outside the bedroom.
On the odd occasion when we do have sex, I ensure she enjoys it. Either she’s faking it, or she enjoys it. If she’s faking it, then she’s doing herself harm because that is simply bad communication. You don’t say things are fine when they are not fine if you want to communicate.
Where I fail now is making her a villain. It’s not like I’m not doing my part. So what gives?
Sometimes she is the villain.
I think I placed my answer in the wrong place, so this is recycled from four days ago:
Sometimes yes! Sometimes it is a burden, without reward.
Sometimes you try and try to show love and see nothing. Not that you are keeping score. But it’s pretty obvious when the score is 0.
Last time we made love, New Years day.
I could go through the list and say I’m probably a 95% here.
We are going to be in the car for three hours today, and I can guarantee that instead of talking, she’ll be on her phone or tablet reading or watching the next binge. (<- Since I've recycled this from Sunday 18 Feb, what I predicted turned out to be true. Three hours round trip in the car and she watched/read something on her phone the whole time.)
I got up at ~5am today, to fix the garage door that broke yesterday and pull her car in so there is no ice on the windshield. I do laundry, clean the bathrooms, make meals, and other such things as well as do 100% of the “man maintenance” on the home. She wasn’t there with me helping with the garage door.
Frankly, it seems the only place we touch is outside the bedroom.
On the odd occasion when we do have sex, I ensure she enjoys it. Either she’s faking it, or she enjoys it. If she’s faking it, then she’s doing herself harm because that is simply bad communication. You don’t say things are fine when they are not fine if you want to communicate.
Where I fail now is making her a villain. It’s not like I’m not doing my part. So what gives?
Sometimes she is the villain.
And of course the tally for the year has not changed either.
Hi Keith and Sheila,
Thanks for this! My hubby isn’t a blog reader type, in fact searching out a “sex and marriage” blog, even Chritian would put him in a cold sweat! However when I do ask him to look for tips or such, he’s always worried about googling on the web and getting rotten stuff….I’ve talked about Sheila’s blog for years. Today is the perfect post to show and maybe he’ll visit some again, I will show him tonight when he is back from work. This hits so many basic things I want to say to him about we women and don’t know how! And it’s from guy!! (And that guy is a parent to 6 kids like us, I see!:)) And yes, feeling guilt over ” if you loved me you’d know” (gulp!), totally something I say!
Thanks again!
Thank you for all the kind words, Steph. I wish you and your husband all the best.
I slightly disagree with the touch one. No touch means my engine just isn’t even on and probably is sitting on a workbench somewhere.
Non sexual touch is also good.
But sexual touch is also needed. Not boob honks. I don’t think most women like those, but I think regular ass grabs (or fanny pats), caressing her neck or breast, a hand up a shirt, etc are also great for keeping interest high.
AMEN! LOL
Hi Natalie!
I certainly didn’t mean to exclude sexual touch. And you’re right: every couple is different, and every woman is different. Every couple needs to work out what works for them.
I was trying, in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way, to address the kind of guy who never touches unless he’s looking to get something, and/or never touches except in a sexual way. The kind of guy who’s been tuning you out all night, and then all of a sudden wants to grab your fun parts and get busy. I’m just trying to tell that kind of a guy that not only is that rude and inconsiderate, it’s also (usually) counterproductive, even in terms of his own self interest.
But if you and your spouse enjoy a playful squeeze here and there (and there!), knock yourselves out!
I can only speak for myself of course but one of the main reasons i dont do the whole “non-sexual touch” thing with my wife very much is that touching her gets my motor going. Even if that touch is very nonsexual. But i also know that its never going to lead to anything so to guard my heart and not get my hopes up, i avoid all touch. Its a self preservation technique.
Hi Anonymous,
I don’t know you or your marriage relationship, so YMMV. But often a man’s inability to touch without sexualizing it is related to his wife’s inability to connect with him sexually. It’s back to the question of whether he wants her or whether he just wants it. If everything gets his motor going, then she will often feel that it’s the latter. Wives will also often find a lack of touch to be cold, distant, and angry, which just shuts them down more.
Like I said, I don’t know you. Maybe your wife has physical or emotional problems that are beyond your ability to reach. That does happen. But you may just want to take another look at #10.
This is a great piece! Keith, could you sit down with my husband and talk to him about point 3? Haha
Thanks, Rachel. I wish I could!
First of all, great article! Boy did some of it really remind me of the early years of marriage. It really made me glad to see just how far my husband and I have come since those early days. What a blessing!
I really don’t understand why some people are getting bent out of shape about 1-3. Nowhere are you implying that men should do those things just to get sex. What I heard you saying was that those are things men should do (REAL changes he should make) to have a great marriage. And more and more fulfilling sex will likely follow because of the closeness you BOTH feel because of the real intimacy you are BOTH experiencing. Sex will be a gift for the marriage as a whole (you know, the one flesh). Not just a “reward” for the husband that the wife just so happens to enjoy too. The whole mindset of sex being a “reward” for the husband should be left at the door before going into this article because that isn’t the sex that this article is talking about. This article is talking about REAL sex. Not shallow worldly sex.
And let me just say that I LOVED the 2nd point! I loved them all, but I really think a lot of men would benefit from having an epiphany that it is only fair that they contribute with housework and childcare in the house where THEY LIVE and with the children THEY HELPED MAKE. I am beyond blessed that my husband came into marriage with that belief. And let me just say that, yes, I do more of it because I am blessed to able to stay at home with the kids. But when he gets home he helps out so we are both able to relax because he understands that I worked all day too. I really can’t stand the mindset that the husband is “helping the wife with the housework and the kids” like it is all her work to begin with. Thank you for telling it like it is!
Thank you so much, Samantha, for seeing what it was that I was trying to get across. Blessings to you.
Great tips for the aware husband. Sadly, many (most?) husbands think their sex life is just fine as long as the wife continues to make herself available sexually and play along on demand. The church has convinced many wives to quietly accept non-pleasurable sex as a duty. What matters is that her man is satisfied. That said, many husbands could be helped along by an honest wife popping his bubble.
Hi Doug!
Thanks so much for the kind words.
I agree that some guys could be helped by an honest wife popping his bubble, but an awful lot of us would be threatened and defensive if some of this stuff came from our wives. That’s part of the reason I wrote this article. It’s easier to take guy-to-guy. But for whatever reason, it’s the kind of conversation we guys rarely have with one another.
Keith, You are absolutely right about the possible blowback, but I think the wife holds the only key to change. The alternative of prolonged silence usually leads to a sexless marriage and the wife despising the thought of sex. In many ways we husbands can be like a business owner scared to do a real customer survey. We prefer to think everything’s roses.
Wow! Such a great analogy. Excellent points, Doug.
That pretty much describes my 10.5 years of marriage. I always thought it was wrong and mean to say no, so I’ve always “played along,” even when it was painful due to lack of arousal. I’ve tried to tell my husband that I would like to experience more — putting it on myself as the one with a “problem” — but over the years he has responded with statements like “most women don’t climax” or “it doesn’t always feel amazing for me, either” and he changes the subject as quickly as possible. I’ve done some reading of my own and have concluded that my husband has severe PE – intercourse never lasts more than a few seconds, and often foreplay is cut short because he “can’t hold it” anymore. Unfortunately, all the reading I’ve done makes it sound like there isn’t much to be done about PE except exercises, and he has said he doesn’t want intimacy to feel like “work”–doing anything other than what feels natural and fun to him. So I feel stuck. I’ll also mention that he is over 40 and we don’t have kids because he has extremely low sperm count.
I know that what I’ve written here makes him sound extremely selfish, but actually he’s a very giving and caring husband. He did grow up in another culture, which may influence his perception that women’s pleasure in intimacy is secondary, although he is a strong Christian. And really, I think he just doesn’t want to face a situation where he is inadequate– and intimacy is a vulnerable thing for all of us. I certainly don’t want to say it’s all his fault; I’m a player in this, too. Any thoughts on how I can (re)approach this with him? Or ways I can ask him to stay in the conversation when he’s making it clear he doesn’t want to discuss it, or dismissing my concerns? I really feel like I’m in a dead end.
Jo, That pretty much described my marriage for longer than 10.5 years! Don’t lose hope. As Keith mentioned, and also Sheila points out in other places, men are super sensitive to negative feedback from a wife. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it is true. You have to be careful. Pleasing his woman is hot wired to a man’s sense of masculinity. Failure to perform can be debilitating unless the man has the right mindset. You need to specifically pray for your husband. Pray that the Lord would make him see he holds the key to your pleasure — the challenge of turning you on is his unique privilege. PE can be a blessing in disquise, diverting a man’s attention away from PIV toward more successful ways of pleasuring. You might try dropping your husband a copy of Ian Kerner’s She Comes First. The introduction is titled Confessions of a Premature Ejaculator. Ask him to read it and tell you what he thinks.