With thanks to Thomas Nelson, publishers of Erin Smalley’s new book 10 Things a Husband Needs from His Wife, for sponsoring this post.
Sometimes I get so caught up in my own disappointment or frustration that I forget what Keith needs from me.
And a lot of that is because we simply approach life differently.
I was recently sent a copy of Erin Smalley’s new book 10 Things a Husband Needs from His Wife, and as I was perusing through it, one part stood out to me and I asked if I could share that part today. We’ve been talking all week about misperceptions that women have about sex, but sometimes we just plain have misperceptions about marriage in general because we approach life differently. And if we’re not aware of those differences, we can build up walls of disappointment between us.
Here’s Erin with a great marriage thought to contemplate this weekend, right before Valentine’s Day:
Isn’t it surprising when you look at your husband after years of togetherness and realize how different he is from you? Maybe you were charmed by these differences from the beginning, or maybe now that he has relaxed into the relationship, he feels comfortable being authentic around you. Either way, at some point, most couples come to a point at which they realize they have different methods for handling normal, everyday moments. And those moments can add up to wondering: How in the world can I connect deeply with my husband when we can’t even agree on the small things?
From the time we said “I do” 25 years ago, Greg and I have been constantly confronted with our differences. Over the years, I’ve let myself become bothered and annoyed by issues that weren’t, in the end, all that important. Generally, my negative reactions had more to do with my own heart than with Greg’s actions or inactions. I didn’t really care about the counters being wiped down; I cared about feeling taken advantage of or disregarded. Once I was able to share the deeper-level feelings, the actual issue seemed less important.
[clickToTweet tweet=”When personality differences in your marriage are driving you NUTS, here’s a way to step back and look with fresh perspective!” quote=”When personality differences in your marriage are driving you NUTS, here’s a way to step back and look with fresh perspective!”]
Although you may not have personally experienced these specific frustrations, I would guess you have similar experiences. Here are a few situations in which I’ve learned that I can start by asking myself where my husband might be coming from—not to excuse poor behavior, but to allow my heart to express more grace in navigating our differences.
He Doesn’t Help Around the House
Greg went years without making our bed in the morning. As a matter of fact, he thought it was crazy to make the bed. Still, faithfully, I did it every morning. And honestly, I had no bitterness over this whatsoever. Actually, as I made the bed, I often thought about how blessed I was to have a husband sleeping next to me every night. I looked at it as one task I did for our team.
Until the day came that I had a cast on my leg. I was pathetically flopping my large, heavy new appendage all over the place, ferociously struggling to make the bed, when Greg walked in on me. I immediately saw it in his eyes that he finally got it. He asked me, “Is this really this important to you?”
He knew the answer before I could answer. “Yes,” I replied, “It really is.” From that day forward, he has made the bed every single day. And when he is out of town, I find myself praying for him and thanking God for my husband while I make the bed.
He Always Tries to Fix Me
Men communicate to achieve something, fix a problem, or give advice. Their goal is to take action. Women communicate to connect relationally, sharing feelings and needs. Their goal is to form a deep connection. As you can see, we have very different goals in our communication and connection styles. I gained a lot of insight the day I realized that when Greg tries to fix something for me, what he is really saying is, “I love you, and I care enough about you to fix the problems.” Whether it is offering advice or filling my car with gas, from his perspective, his actions are saying, “I love you and value you enough to spend my time doing this for you.” However, as most of us have learned, men are not mind readers. Your husband doesn’t have a clue what you truly need unless you tell him.
He Wants to Have Sex All the Time—Even After We Fight
Did the Lord make us different sexually or what? Men are more easily excited sexually, and sexual intimacy is one of the key ways they feel more connected. After a fight, when he is feeling distance from you, your husband’s desire for sex may be his attempt to reestablish a connection. (Remember, he can compartmentalize and keep your fight separate from what happens in the bedroom.) For a woman who connects emotionally and then warms slowly into a desire for sexual intimacy, her husband’s on/off switch can be difficult to understand.
[clickToTweet tweet=”Differences in marriage are inevitable–so let’s deal with them with grace & understanding!” quote=”Differences in marriage are inevitable–so let’s deal with them with grace & understanding!”]
He Doesn’t Connect with Me at the End of the Day
When your husband comes home from work, does he head straight for his favorite chair instead of catching up with you or playing with the kids? It’s not uncommon behavior. When men are stressed from a long day at work, they tend to isolate and disconnect. This can also be a personality issue if you are married to an introvert. You might try a gentle talk about what you desire—and don’t do this when you’re steaming mad! Acknowledge that he is made differently and that his body responds differently to stress, but also tell him that you would like to work together to come up with a plan that gives him the time he needs to decompress, but also gives you time to connect at the end of the day.
How do differences create conflict in your marriage? Communicating with each other year after year is the key to understanding what works and what doesn’t and to keep growing as couples and as individuals. Rather than judging and giving into frustration, it’s important for both you and your husband to hear that your differences are valued—that you are valued. When you give thanks for the things that make your husband unique, you just might be surprised by how your small frustrations can turn into appreciation and make you fall in love with him all over again.
Adapted from 10 Things a Husband Needs from His Wife. Copyright © 2017 Erin Smalley. Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, Oregon, 97408. www.harvesthousepublishers.com. Used by Permission.
What was a huge personality difference or habit that you and your spouse had to learn to live with? Let’s talk about it in the comments below!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This article is cool. Thank you – I need to ask you a question today Sheila. I know your busy too….so when you get a chance please…. ok so Holy Crap – yesterday I had Grace read the article. When she was done she said ok got up and walked away. Didn’t say a word. I figured it would just be like it has been for the last 18 years. Don’t want to talk about it. Today totally unprompted she brought up the article and started going off on why the woman always has to change. Why the woman has to give of herself…sexually…and sometimes you just don’t want to. Like things just came out for 5 days and I am just done etc….I am like you got to read the other articles They are here describing just the opposite! The man needs to learn how to wait…or understand the woman….but I don’t read minds as the article states. You have to tell me what you want or why you just say no and no bluntly etc…in general thank you very much…don’t need the details….immensely important conversation this AM. So I tried looking for some articles for her….I just don’t know the titles….I know they are in here….Can you throw some out please? Thanks
I always find these type of articles fascinating because my husband and I don’t fit the mold. He does like to fix things but he also definitely communicates to relate emotionally. He can read my mind! He would want to resolve any disagreement or problem before contemplating anything else. He always wants to connect at the end of the day. He always asks how my day has been and wants to talk about his. If he has had a stressful day he needs to talk about it because he needs my emotional support. Although he sometimes needs a bite to eat first to get the energy. I am the one who takes longer to talk about things that trouble me as I am more introverted and need time to process internally before I can share them. He is the more open, heart on his sleeve one. I read an article a while back where a Christian husband said, men don’t need to understand all women they just need to understand one, their wife. It is true the other way around of course. I wonder what percentage of men and women don’t fit the mold.
I often find these kinds of pieces to be formulaic and cliched. They don’t really describe my marriage. I suppose they must resonate with a fair number, because there are about a zillion of these books on the market! But I wonder how many of us are trying to fit ourselves into the “gender box” we have been told we belong in, when it doesn’t really apply.
Sheila,
I really appreciated this article showed how the differences in a couple are actually good and ok! Being different isn’t always a bad thing.
It’s taken me years to realize that my husband does not want to discuss the same thing 19 times from 8 different angles (like I do..and so does my mom and sister). He prefers time to think about it and let it mull over. And when he’s ready to talk about it, I can see much wisdom in his words. But I never would have gotten to the wisdom stage if I had kept talking about it. He just isn’t wired like that.
I’ve always been exceptionally thankful that he doesn’t try to fix me, but encourage me. (I’m the one who usually tries to do all the fixing) I can see that his love for me is greatest when I let him be exactly who he is and not try to make him act/think like me. ~ Johanna
We just recently did a personality test and we were polar opposites on each indicator. For me, it was the first time I did a personality test that showed results that I felt were accurate. We had a really good laugh as we read the explanation of our types.
One of the big differences was that I analyze and reevaluate everything all the time and try to improve things, making things work better. My husband though is super sensitive to criticism and takes it very personal. Do often when we talk he thinks I am critical when I even didn‘t intend to be (sometimes I really am and I try to learn be careful with my words) Sometimes I even just state an observation of something not working well, and he‘ll think I critique him, while in my mind I am analyzing what’s happening to improve next time without thinking anything negative about my husband.
Anyways I am still amused and baffled how God put us two together…
Lydia, I think that’s why I like you so much! We’re the same personality. My personality is always trying to make things better. Nothing bothers me more than inefficiency. Sounds like we’re similar!
Oh yes, efficiency my friend 😉
I am an Architect (INTJ-A Type) and my husband is an Entertainer (ESFP-T) according to this 16 personality types model…. the test on the website is free.
This is the link to my type description:
https://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality
Everything it said was true for me…. even the fact that I always thought of myself as a non emotional person, yet learning to accept that part of me in a healthy way. Also I have strong convictions and am passionate about this, so yes i am emotional!
I’m an ENTJ! My daughter Katie is ESFP, and Rebecca is ENTJ as well. Keith is ESTJ, so the one area we often struggle with is in details. I like to be creative and plan in big picture things, he likes to have all details sorted out before we do anything.
Hi Lydia – I took your little test..well the one you left a link for. I came back an ENFP or something like that. I came back Campaigner. I giggled a bit cuz that is the nail on the head. My friend Jackie who wrote a book called God Notes God Notes suggested I take an enogram anagram institute test back in July. I came back a 7 – Enthusiast. Guess that confirms it all 🙂 GO JESUS!!!
With my wife we laugh that her personality type is “builder” and mine is “dreamer.” She likes it when a long-term steady effort, carefully planned beforehand, gives results. I like to do whatever I am passionate about at the moment: it could be something useful, like working or doing sports, or it could just as well be something not useful at all, or even destructive. When we met, my life was a train wreck, and hers was nicely arranged. Slow and steady planned building is something I don’t enjoy, but I always try to remind myself of how much I enjoy its beneficial results, once they happen. So I try to follow her lead in “building.”
That is one thing I realized after marriage. Men and women are different and they handle things differently. So I become more open to communication because I know that they wont know unless we tell them.