So here’s the situation: You want to find some great sex tips to make sex awesome, but you’re scared to Google it because, well…
So, as a married person who just wants a good sex life, what do you do?
All week this Valentine’s Day we’re talking about how to improve your sex life, and today, for Wifey Wednesday, which ALSO just happens to be Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d tackle this question!
It’s something I get asked about a lot. Where do I find safe information about new sex positions? Or about how to make things feel better? Basically you want Christian friendly sex tips–or sex tips that aren’t gross.
So let’s take a look at this today!
There Aren’t a Whole Lot of Sex Tips That Are Truly New
Here’s something my husband often says when we’re giving our sex talk at marriage conferences:
Whenever you look at magazine covers, it’s all about “new” things. 10 “new” things to try in bed. 10 “new” ways to drive her wild. Speaking as a physician, people have been doing this for an awfully long time. And trust me, there is nothing new.
Of course we all can spice things up, but it’s not like there’s something magical that has just been invented. No, the truth is that our bodies go together in only so many ways, and there are only so many things you can do. So if you want to change things up, it simply involves changing a few things! There are many, many different permutations and combinations, but I guess the point I’m making is that with a little bit of imagination and exploration, you really can figure it out yourself for the most part.
So why do people need sex tips? Because we’re not sure where to start, and it can be awkward to just explore or suggest you change things up. When we have a checklist in front of us, it’s easier.
But I think it’s also healthier to change things yourself! You get better at communicating (which is, in fact, key to a woman’s orgasm!). You get more comfortable with your body and with the idea that we’re sexual beings. And you just have more fun!
So let’s look at how we can start changing things up.
Change Up the Things You Can to Make Sex into a New Experience
Change the position
There are only three basic sexual positions: front facing with him on top; front facing with her on top; or “spooning” or him being behind her. Every other position tends to be a variation on these three.
For instance, you can do them all lying down, kneeling, sitting, or even standing (though that’s not advised necessarily! That’s one of the biggest causes of penile fractures, and yes, that’s a thing! Yikes!)
You can also do them all with your legs in different positions.
If you want to do something yourself, though, here’s what I’d suggest: pick a position and then just move around. What happens if she lies down but he doesn’t? Or if he stands but she doesn’t? Or if her legs (or his legs) are in a different position? Even set a timer for two minutes and change position every two minutes.
Seriously, have fun just figuring this out!
What else can you change to improve sex?
Is Your Problem More About Libido than with Technique?
That’s probably the most common sex problem married people face! And that’s why I created my Boost Your Libido course.
It’s a 10-module course that takes you through all the aspects of a woman’s libido, and shows you how to take control, so that you can get to the point where you’re actually wanting sex again.
Vary the Timing
You can do things very quickly or very fast. You can draw things out–like get very excited for a few minutes, and then cool down, to prolong everything. You can have a quickie, or make sure something lasts an hour (by having cooling down periods periodically).
Again, a timer can be your friend here. If you set the timer for between 2-5 minutes and then cool down after time’s up, you can often make the whole encounter last a long time.
Change the way you touch each other
As we get more aroused, we tend to enjoy being touched in different ways and in different places. For instance, many women especially actually prefer things far more gentle during foreplay than they do right before climax. But if you were to apply the pressure she likes before climax to get her aroused, it may backfire because it would be too much.
Also, you can touch each other during intercourse in some ways, too. Remember that for women, it is usually the clitoris that gives the most sexual pleasure, so anything you can do both before intercourse and during intercourse to stimulate that part of her body will likely feel good.
I’ve found that the easiest way to learn how to touch someone is to have them lie perfectly still, while you just explore for five minutes. You can even play the “which feels better? This or this?” game!
Involve Other Senses
One of the things that heightens sexual pleasure is drawing things out. And one of the ways to do this is to add other senses!
Keep the lights on! Wear some pretty lingerie. Or even tease each other a bit by slowly taking your clothes off, revealing things bit by bit, or whatever works for you!
Keep some music on so that you begin to associate certain songs with feeling really good (that can be fun when the song randomly comes on when you’re in the car!).
Or talk to each other more while you’re making love. Tell each other some of your best memories, or tell them what really feels good. Tell each other exactly what you want them to do right now. That doesn’t have to be gross or dirty, either! You’re married. Talking about what you’re doing is totally okay, and often adds some extra closeness because it’s so rare that we say these things out loud.
Chocolate sauce can be fun. Enough said.
Use different sensations! Different temperatures can be fun, like ice or even those soy massage candles (that melt and then you use them to massage each other). And teasing each other with something like a feather can be wonderful, too.
Play the perfume game! Spritz yourself with perfumes in key areas and challenge him to find them. Or always wear a certain cologne or perfume to bed.
Let your spouse teach you how to make sex feel great!
During my Q&A at one of my Girl Talks (the event I bring to churches about marriage & sex), one of the questions was once, “How exactly do you perform oral sex on him?” (It was asked a little more graphically, but we’ll leave it at that.)
My answer was quite simple. I said, “I’m pretty sure he’d like to teach you.”
And that’s a good principle for any of these things. If there’s something that’s going to make one of you feel really good, then learn how to become a good teacher and a good pupil. Don’t take someone teaching you as an insult, or as them saying, “You’re not doing it well.” Take it as, “this is going to be so fun because I’m going to become a super great lover!” That’s exciting!
That being said…Any particular Christian friendly sex resources I’d recommend for great sex tips?
- 31 Days to Great Sex. Want some dares where you’ll try new positions, figure out what feels best, make foreplay last longer? At the same time, want to deal with sexual baggage, learn to flirt more, and feel closer? Take the challenge!
- Deck of Dares. I sell this one in my store, too! Designed by therapist Dr. Jennifer Degler, it offers dozens of dares for couples to try to make their life steamier, without anything that would go against your morals or boundaries.
- The Ultimate Intimacy App. So much fun! I talked about this one on Monday. It’s a great way to get more familiar with your bodies, try some dares, and learn all kinds of new positions.
- Sock Monkey Kama Sutra. Okay, if you want to try some new positions, but don’t want a book filled with X-rated pictures, how about a book filled with hilarious sock monkeys? At least you can laugh at it! (And they do have a lot of positions).
One last thought: We often think we need new sex tips because we’re afraid to talk about things.
The biggest reason we want to google things or find new sex tips is because we know that what we’re doing is kinda boring. Or it’s not feeling the best. Or we’d like to figure out how to try something specific, but we don’t know how to ask.
And it’s that last part that’s the biggest issue:
We don’t know how to start that conversation that we’d like more.
And so instead we spend our time researching all new sex tips, but not doing anything about it.
If you want great sex, you have to learn to talk to your spouse about it.
Many of those resources I listed will help. But the underlying problem when sex isn’t great is often the same problem that makes it difficult to talk about: you’re embarrassed, you’re scared, or your spouse seems nervous, and there doesn’t seem to be a safe way to bring up the conversation.
Sex is never going to get better until you learn to actually talk about it! So try a few things, like having a “his” night and having a “her” night where it’s more natural to express what you want. Get a resource that will help. But most of all, express what you want. Push through on those conversations. They’re really worth having!
And everyone–Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you have a wonderful day with your spouse.
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Now let me know–why do you think it’s so hard to talk to each other about how to make sex great? How can we make talking about new sex tips easier? Let’s talk in the comments!
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!