A few thoughts went through my head as I read your words, Sheila: one is that a sidesidehe point to not allowing priests to marry s just what you mention above. It is so demanding and a priest just couldn’t do justice to a family. Second, I thought, well, as a former military brat, I know what it’s like to have Dad gone. When women marry military men, they have to be ready for the country to call at inconvenient times, over and over. I have a friend whose husband is in the Australian Navy (my dad was a U.S. naval officer), and he is missing SO much of their lives. Their third child, first little girl, was born in Sept, and he’s missed two or three weeks per month since and about to be gone for six months straight! But, it’s military life. But I STILL remember my dad being gone on a six month deployment and I was six! It was so hard. I saved all the letters he wrote to “his little princess”! BUT, my mom, siblings and myself sure were/are proud of him. Anyway, not helping your wrestling much, just thoughts! I thank God my hubby comes home every night!

My Dad was one of those abused kids you mentioned. My grandfather was a missionary to Sudan for some years. In fact, my Dad was born there. At some point, they left the kids at one of those boarding schools in Canada, while they stayed in the field, but they eventually moved back to the states and grandfather worked at the SIM hq for the rest of this life.

We didn’t learn about the abuse until my Dad was in his 70s. Until then, we had no clue, and even then he didn’t talk about it much. In fact, all of us recalled how he commented that it wasn’t so bad. Dad even retired early and became an assistant to our pastor, and eventually was ordained, too. But once we learned about the abuse, a lot of things made some more sense. Dad was never abusive but he had a temper and was a yeller at times. He was married to mom and faithful for over 50 years, far as we know. He wasn’t a loner, but he only had a few close friends, and now I realize that he hid a lot of things with humor and dry wit – always at his own expense and self put-downs – and now we know why. In some ways I am like him this way – hiding my own feelings of rejection and worthlessness (sexless marriage) in the same way.

I pity missionary kids and pastors kids. We are close friends with several missionaries and pastors, and we see this all the time. Not from their parents, but from other people. They have it so hard, and its mostly because of the christians around them who expect them to be, act, and turn out a specific way. And if they don’t, they blame the kids and the parents all at the same time.

I’m trying to remember a novel by a Christian author, about a family whose kid committed suicide, and the parents had been missionaries. One of the other kids was trying to blame their lack of attention to the children because of their mission work, but they denied it, or at least never discussed it. In the end, if I remember correctly, the parents were vindicated somehow, which I thought was awful. I hated that book, thought it was typical christian novel propaganda, that didn’t really approach the topic honestly. I thought it was Frank Peretti (whose books I enjoy), but I checked his bibliography, so it wasn’t him.

As for Billy Graham, he was a great preacher, yeah. But I think as a father – not so great. Fathers are not entirely responsible for how their kids turn out, as mothers and the kids themselves are involved as well, but I think the results speak for themselves.

Perhaps these questions should be put to Anne and Franklin after a respectful time. That said, none of us are exempt from the consequences for others of choices we make. We are ALL dysfunctional, that is why we need a Savior

The neat thing about our God is that He refuses to be put in a box, and He uses each of us uniquely for His purpose! I’m thankful for how God uses me with my family and my ministry, and I pray that other people will be able to cheer me on without criticism. I’m certainly thankful for the blessings God has poured out all over those who have been obedient to their calling, even when the cost was great.

I think that if billy graham wanted to do his ministry exactly the way he did, he should not have gotten married. So often we think people in Christian leadership should be married but in reality, this is exactly what Paul talks about when he says he wasn’t getting married for the sake of the gospel and that it is better not to marry. Because Paul says that when a man does marry, he has to be concerned with the happiness of his wife. So basically Paul is saying if you do get married, you can’t then put ministry above your wife because if you want to do that you should not have gotten married in the first place. And if you do get married, you have an obligation and duty to put your family first. Sure any family will have to sacrifice a little for its members callings, not just dads. Mom may have a calling that requires dad to do more around the house, a kid may have a calling that takes time and money, but overall family comes first. I think this is a huge issue still with men choosing jobs and doing work that makes it almost impossible to be a present and good father and husband and especially when it’s ministry, people can’t recognize the harm and bad of it. People need to change their mindset and put their family first or just not get married. And we have to be able to call these people out, even if we respect and admire and know the importance of their work. Because we aren’t helping other evangelists and pastors and even coaches and doctors if we act like if you do good work and help a lot of people then you get a pass on neglecting your family.

I think his choices are between Him and God. I think we think we know what others should do, looking on, without being them.
I think he acknowledged that there were things he could have done differently and he made peace with his family around these decisions. I think pastor’s children have an unrealistic burden placed on them and many pks have stories that confound us.
I think we sometimes try to impose an ideal around parenting on others – when they have to do what they think is best in their situations.
I think they are many ways to parent and still have a good outcome.

Sheila,

I agree, there is discordance between Billy Graham’s Ministry and Personal Life. I also agree that how he handled his marriage and children as secondary to his ministry caused long term negative ripple effects in his family. He could have and should have handled this better and in a more God honoring way that would not have cause these negative problems. He and his family are paying the price of those choices but also some of the negatives are directly related to those person choice to sin (ie the Grandson). I also think that it points to the glory of God and how in spite of our sinful nature God can still work for His glory. Hopefully we all can learn from the truths in Billy Grahams life of the need to serve the Lord wholly but in a way that doesn’t harm your family but lifts them up. No one is perfect and we can learn from his mistakes and his ministry.

I remember thinking along these same lines when I learned about A.W Tozer’s life, and it was a similar situation, where his wife was essentially left on her own. Daniel Boone was one that really irked me too (not a religious figure, but a historical one, whose wife was more of a hero in my eyes than he will ever be! LOL)

I think historically, we will find that is a common thread among male “heroes” (for lack of a better word). Being a much different time period, women were probably not welcome in many of these settings, and most women would probably not want to live on the road trying to raise children anyways.

What I do know, is that God can use it all. Any of it, good or bad, and I feel He has in this instance. Maybe if things were different, the kids wouldn’t be following in dad’s footsteps. We all have regrets, all parents make mistakes, but we have to trust God will use it if we let Him.

Does it not say in the bible, “he who does not hate his father, mother, children, sister or brother, can not be my disciple”? I know that does not mean literally, but I think it means, you absolutely put God before anything or anyone else. We’re all messed up people in some way, even without being shipped off to a boarding school. I’m sure Mr. Graham had his own faults, but he followed also, the teaching of the bible,” be instant in season and out of season.” We can’t place blame on how the children turned out on him not being at home. We all make our own choices in life, everyday and it’s up to us how it turns out.

I think this is a really cool conversation and I am going to have to read up closer on it all tonight. My one thought after skimming all the comments real quick is that we all arent perfect and we make choices and then have to live with the consequnces. And as J pointed out Jesus is the one who makes that right.

Well-asked question! IMHO it isn’t actually a 1:1 tradeoff because God always makes up the difference. So if Billy Graham had stayed home from an occasional crusade, it doesn’t have to mean less people would have been reached. God would have still reached them. Who knows how…God’s awesomeness is beyond our imagination. I suspect the sad truth is that the Grahams missed out on seeing even greater works of the Lord by choosing to live by a rule of sorts instead of beseeching th Lord for His intervention.

In one way, Graham’s work was done with his family. As Christians, our first priority is to “go into all the nations and preach the gospel to all creation” (Mark 16:15). Once His children knew Jesus, they had eternity! Jesus said that we should forsake all others in our answer to His call on our lives. ““If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭14:26‬ ‭NIV‬‬. I believe that your perspective may stir up strife and doubt in a new believer or seeker. It could be a gross misrepresentation of him, and a stereotype for anyone sold out for Christ in the ministry. I think his example and legacy shows the world that even when your profession is winning people for Christ, we do it with excellence!

This really makes me sad. Did you really have to post this the day after Billy Graham passed away? I thought you would have more compassion for his family during their time of grieving.
Lets focus on the positive and not the negative. There is enough of that in our world everyday. I am so grateful for this man who stood up to proclaim the name of Jesus and wasn’t afraid of what others thought. So many became followers of Jesus Christ through his ministry. He wasn’t perfect…none of us are. He brought others to Christ!
I’m thankful that even though I am not perfect and have many flaws my God is a forgiving God and loves me.

I brought this topic up to my husband after reading the original article (which brought forth even more issues like he ignored his wife’s calling to tibet telling her it was about him since he was the husband and telling his daughter she could not go to school because she was to be a wife/mom) and my husband got annoyed with me for “bashing” Billy Graham even though I simply told him what the article said and wanted his opinion. My husband said that Billy Graham felt called from God to do those things, much like other men do (like his dad who was a college coach for a long time and basically missed everything in his family). My question, and I would love for everyone to chime in, is how does one reconcile feeling called by God to do one thing even though that one thing will cause you to forsake your other calling as a husband/father. Christian circles seem to tell women all the time that even if they feel called to something or have a passion for it, there family still comes first so they either can’t have a job or have to work around their family. This seems like a complete double standard because a lot of times men do not do that and are never expected to. Yes, someone has to earn money, but why does a woman’s calling from God come second to taking care of her family, but a man’s does not? Because if that was true, even Billy Graham could not excuse how he treated his family by saying he was called to his ministry, because he still could have ministered and been a much better husband and father. Why are women told to put family above calling but men are not? And do we really think that God would call someone to something that would harm their family? Or is the over ministering, the crazy job schedules like coaching, and the traveling not what God wants? Or is that many people are called to these things, but just should not get married, and when they do, God alters their calling so they can be good to their family? Can “God called me to do it” be a valid excuse for being an absentee father and not taking care of a wife’s need for quality time and emotional connection? And how could Billy Graham tell his wife that she had to follow him and his calling if she became his wife, obviously putting him over her calling to evangelize Tibet, but yet he put his calling above his family? I would love to hear thoughts on this seeing that my husband does not want to talk about this with me anymore because he thinks I am bashing working men.

I’ve commented this on another blog post, but it bears repeating. My husband and I are both pastors. We strongly feel that our call is first to God, second to our family, and third to the church. God and the church are not the same.

For example, we moved our family across the country because of a ministry God called us to do. On the other hand, my husband has declined to officiate at a funeral during our daughter’s birthday party, offering to do it later in the day instead. God first. Family second. Church third. Having firm priorities makes these decisions clearer (if not always easier).

I have struggled with these same questions. My grandpa has always been a passionate evangelist and active in ministry since he was a young man. However, he was not a great father or husband, and I have watched him belittle, disregard, and neglect my grandma for so many years. He decided about 5 years ago that God was calling him to be a missionary in Belize, even though he and my grandma are in their 80s and she has health issues that require medical care she can’t get there. She also has the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s, and still he will not care for her the way he should. Currently he is still in Belize, and she is in the states close to my mom who is taking the brunt of caring for her because my grandpa won’t. And yet he still believes that he is doing God’s will. I just don’t buy it. I do not believe God calls you to neglect your family for the sake of others. If you are married you have a calling to be a good spouse/parent. That is not in conflict with your calling to be a good evangelist or whatever ministry you are in. They need to coexist. Frankly, if I wasn’t a strong believer already, his witness would turn me away from God. I do believe that he loves God but he spent all his zeal on others and did not let God refine him and mature him and he did not walk toward Christ in his personal life. To me that is just sad.

Some thoughts —

1) In many ways, Graham is being judged by “today’s” standards, even though some of those standards may or may not be wiser and better than those of past era’s. Consider, he was almost 100 years of age. It was definitely an era when men in general tended to making a living (whatever the career choice ended up being), and that was their major focus. I’m not saying “all men”, but am saying it was a different era and we are looking at it in retrospect. A lot has changed over the last century.
2) Many Christian organizations began encouraging their ministers to spend more time with family around the 1990’s and early 2000’s, as they began to see the families splintering. From the 1900’s to now, there is much less big tent, revival type traveling by the ministry in general. Now, one of the biggest problems seems to be that no matter where a minister is, pornography is available. That is the biggest threat to minister’s per many who evaluate these things. There is always something lurking for every human being to discourage, misdirect and threaten. In today’s world, although more men do seem to stay home, there are other challenges not faced in the decades past.
3) For any successful or highly praised minister – – how about making it paramount to often praise their mate and children. Send them a card, write some words of appreciation, and try to make it about them – not about the successful mate/dad. Children (and wives) in cases of successful ministry (or any other career or calling) often speak of feeling shadowed at the least and unappreciated or judged.
4) Without doubt it seems that children have a better chance at having a well balanced life if both parents are present; however, that isn’t always the case, and as one of the comments mentioned – – there are many families where the children “wish” their dad wasn’t home much. A dad being home doesn’t necessarily mean he is seeking to guide, provide or set an example for his children (this can also be said for the other mate).
5) Life can be complex whether living a Christian life or not. I’m often surprised how many young people marry before ever even discussing how they would feel if the other had a job (or calling) that required a lot of traveling. I recently heard about a couple divorcing after one year because he assumed since they were in their late 30’s that she wasn’t planning on having children. She was hoping for 2 or 3.
6) Although, I have questions about discussing the life of Billy Graham, I can also understand the questions. As with many things in our world, communication seems to be either lacking or highly divisive. A good conversation with participants listening and working together can often bring about quite good results.

1 Timothy 5:8
“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

Scripture has the answers we’re looking for. Completely in context, this verse is talking about material provisions. But we all know our families need more from us than a shirt on their backs, a roof over their head, and food on the table.

As a bi-vocational minister, husband, and father of 5, I feel very strongly about this.

Do I think Billy Graham failed his family? Without a doubt, yes.
Do I think God still used him? Obviously.
Do I think there was a better way? Absolutely.

God does not call us to “sacrifice” our families and children, as you so aptly put it. He calls us to provide for, to nurish, and to build up our families and children.

Fathers have the single greatest impact on how their children perceive and interact with God. If I neglect my children, I am responsible for the damage and hurt that causes. If I justify it by saying, “But look at all the good I accomplished because of it!” I’m still responsible for the hurt and damage I caused my own family; to those I was charged to protect, nurture, and raise in the fear and admonition of the LORD.

What would have happened if Mr. Graham had honored his family and taken care of them instead of neglecting them? I don’t know. Maybe his impact would have been so much greater.

As it stands, he’s responsible and will have to answer for how he treated the most precious treasures entrusted to him. When I stand before my God on judgment day I want to be proud of how I nurtured those entrusted to my care.

I think unfortunately that Sheila is making an assumption that Billy Graham himself does not acknowledge that he HAD misplaced priorities in the prime of his ministry years. Ruth and Graham talked about that openly later in life and he has apologized to her and his children.

Sheila’s comments of “it does seem strange to me that God would ask us to neglect our kids to do a bigger work.” is actually misunderstanding the greatness of Billy Graham because he never claimed to have “lived as an example” and even admits to great weakness but in that lays the example we can learn from him – he put in place boundaries and accountability partners to limit the damage that he knew his weaknesses could cause and he did the best he could with what he knew at the time. He came from a generation where ministry took precedent over family, that was the norm. He humbly spoke later about the DAMAGE those priorities caused.

So I continue to believe that Billy Graham has lived an life worthy of our respect – not because he did not make mistakes, but because he humbly acknowledged his weaknesses and gives God full glory for his successes. He is one of the few who lived with integrity and righteousness in the public eye, even acknowledging his shortcomings as a father for many years. Even in that, he modeled asking for forgiveness and seeking reconciliation which is a big reason his children were able to put through. It should leave us with hope for our own shortcomings and encourage us that God can work through anyone who surrenders their hearts and lives to him!
Those are my thoughts in a nut shell😊

I’m going to toss in my thoughts on this subject. First of all, anyone calling Sheila or this article tasteless or disrespectful (because it points out the fact that a Godly but mortal man was not perfect) needs to take a close look at the Bible. It is full of examples of Godly but imperfect men and women. It tells of their lives and doesn’t conveniently leave out their mistakes to paint a saintly portrait of them. Rather the Bible gives a realistic account of their lives so we are able to learn from the good and bad choices they made.

When my sister passed away, I received grief counseling at my school. One of the lessons that we learned was that it was ok to acknowledge that our loved ones were not perfect and that it is actually really unhealthy to pretend like they were perfect just because they passed away. Because if you do that, you aren’t honoring or continuing to love that person for who they actually were. You’re creating a completely different person in your mind.

I don’t think any life lived on this earth should be beyond examination. Especially those lived by public fugures. No, we should not bash people living or dead. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, “this person made a mistake and this is how I can learn from it to make a positive change in my life because I make mistakes too.” Examining a human life for ALL that it was is NOT the same as judging it.

Any reading I have done about the majority of famous men of God has shown that they were terrible fathers and bad husbands. Most of them had children who rebelled, often violently. Spurgeon was a notable exception to this rule. It does make one wonder whether there is a better way.

I do not see it as an either/or choice – one does not have to choose between their ministry or their family. A little creative thinking would allow for both. Buy an RV, home school the kids, and take the family with you. The kids get to be a part of the ministry and the father gets to be a full-time part of the family.