Billy Graham died yesterday, and I believe that He is rejoicing right now.
I read a quote on Twitter from him that said:
“Someday you will read or hear that Billy Graham is dead. Don’t you believe a word of it. I shall be more alive than I am now. I will just have changed my address. I will have gone into the presence of God.” -Billy Graham, 1918-2018
He was an amazing man with an amazing message. I wept through the episode of The Crown in season 2 that depicted the Queen’s relationship with Billy Graham. He impacted people from all walks of life. He bailed Martin Luther King Jr. out of prison and battled racism. But most of all, he preached the gospel all over the world, even behind the Iron Curtain.
I read his book Nearing Home a few years ago about dying, and it was truly beautiful.
So none of what I’m going to say in this post is meant to take away from any of that. I just want to ask a few questions.
I read an article in the Washington Post yesterday called “Divorce, Drugs, Drinking: Billy Graham’s Children and their Absent Father.”
After their marriage in August 1943, Ruth caught a chill while returning from their honeymoon. Instead of calling to cancel a routine preaching engagement in Ohio and staying at the bedside of his new bride, Billy checked her into a hospital and kept the appointment, sending her a telegram and a box of candy for consolation. She felt hurt, but soon learned that nothing came before preaching on her husband’s list of priorities.
In 1945, Graham became a full-time evangelist, a job that had him traveling throughout the United States and Europe. Perhaps sensing the start of a lifelong pattern, and pregnant with their first child, Ruth moved in with her parents in Montreat, N.C., a Presbyterian retirement community. The Bells provided her with companionship to ease the loneliness she felt during her husband’s long absences and were there to share important moments — when their first child, Virginia (always called “Gigi”), was born in 1945, Billy was away on a preaching trip.
It goes on to talk about how the kids felt about their dad being gone, and what a difficult road his wife Ruth walked, without any help raising the kids. They finally were sent to boarding school because things were just too busy.
It reminded me of a documentary I watched a while ago about the immense sexual, physical, and emotional abuse scandals out of the missionary boarding schools in the 50s-90s. Terrible, terrible stuff.
And one of the themes they kept coming back to is that the children were told they could not talk about any of this with their parents because it could hinder their parents’ work, and their parents’ work was everything. In the broader scheme of things, nothing else mattered because they were doing God’s work on earth.
But if you take that to its logical conclusion, what that mindset is really saying is this: the children don’t matter. Their well-being doesn’t matter. And so it’s okay if they are sacrificed in order to achieve the greater good for God.
Do you see a problem with that? I do. As one former boarding school student said,
“God is not Molech [one of the pagan gods in the Old Testament], demanding child sacrifices. God loves all of his children.”
And I believe that. I do think it’s that simple. God does not ask us to sacrifice our children for Him. He just doesn’t.
So I am left with this strange conundrum when it comes to Billy Graham and his kids:
- We know that God used Billy Graham in great ways all over the world. We know that that man had a tremendous legacy.
- But did God want him to abandon his kids like that? Did God want him to be an absent father?
I honestly don’t know how to reconcile those two things, so I am asking.
All five of his children are in some sort of ministry, and many grandchildren, too (though one grandchild, Tullian Tchividjian, is a pastor who groomed multiple vulnerable women for sex, and is thus guilty of clergy abuse, and left his wife to marry one of them). But three of his kids divorced, and many had rough stories. Though God has brought them back, their lives were not easy.
Now, even if he had been a present father that doesn’t mean his kids would have necessarily made better decisions earlier, but it does seem strange to me that God would ask us to neglect our kids to do a bigger work. Maybe those whom he calls like that should not be married or have kids in the first place?
Even writing that seems strange, though, too, because we know that Billy Graham’s kids have had amazing ministries (especially his daughter Anne). And Franklin’s ministry Samaritan’s Purse has done so much good.
Yet God can take good out of anything. So God used his kids and had amazing grace there. But is that what God intended? Was God happy every time Billy Graham got on a plane to preach to thousands, when his kids were left behind and honestly were neglected by their dad?
I don’t know the answer to that.
If God wasn’t happy, then would God have preferred that some of those Billy Graham crusades not have happened?
Maybe things aren’t as straightforward, and there aren’t definite answers. But I struggle with it because to me it matters. Where does God see our obligation to our nuclear family? I think it comes before our obligation to the world, but maybe there are exceptions.
The way that I see it is this:
God has left the world to the church as a whole. God has left your kids to you specifically. And we should always care for our specific responsibilities before our shared responsibilities.
Perhaps I have that wrong. Perhaps that is not true in every case. But then what does that say about God? And how do we know in each specific case?
I’m honestly asking. So leave your thoughts in the comments, and let’s wrestle this through together!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
A few thoughts went through my head as I read your words, Sheila: one is that a sidesidehe point to not allowing priests to marry s just what you mention above. It is so demanding and a priest just couldn’t do justice to a family. Second, I thought, well, as a former military brat, I know what it’s like to have Dad gone. When women marry military men, they have to be ready for the country to call at inconvenient times, over and over. I have a friend whose husband is in the Australian Navy (my dad was a U.S. naval officer), and he is missing SO much of their lives. Their third child, first little girl, was born in Sept, and he’s missed two or three weeks per month since and about to be gone for six months straight! But, it’s military life. But I STILL remember my dad being gone on a six month deployment and I was six! It was so hard. I saved all the letters he wrote to “his little princess”! BUT, my mom, siblings and myself sure were/are proud of him. Anyway, not helping your wrestling much, just thoughts! I thank God my hubby comes home every night!
Steph, i have told sheila before that she is catholic she just doesnt know it yet. And its because of little comments that she makes from time to time like the one above about maybe if you are called to that kind of intense ministry you should not get married or have kids.
Chris,
While I find the humor in your comment ( and I am being serious I can see your serious/joking approach) I happen to align myself with Sheila’s thinking. She can obviously speak for herself and its too bad she isn’t here to join in today… I think The Catholics have a lot of things right. From the things that have happened to me I have come to see that. I even almost buy that marriage is a Sacrament (Almost sort of) I have a friend who is a devout Catholic and practices it very well. Here is why I won’t convert to Catholic. I grew up Lutheran and Catholic to me is catholic. Been to Mass plenty of times. And besides you guys don’t know how to share lol (communion that is) Nothing wrong with any of those religions. I totally respect them so please don’t take any of this wrong. I am not looking to get in a debate about all this just sharing is all…don’t want to get lit up over this…. My wife actually misses the creeds and some of the liturgy. However I also come from the place that says take what you want and leave the rest. My wife’s brother in law is Jewish. He has been to plenty of Lutheran Churches because his wife is Lutheran also. This past Easter he was at our house and we went to Church on Easter Sunday. We have changed faith traditions to Wesleyan. The service is quite different than say Lutheran or Catholic. No Pomp and circumstance at our church etc etc. When we got back from the service my wife’s brother in law said to me wow. “That was so different. Like it was no big deal.” I told him this is why. We get that message every Sunday. JESUS JESUS JESUS. He died for your sins. Invite him into your heart. My pastor rams JESUS down your throat every Sunday. I am not saying that Jesus isn’t present in the other faith traditions…not at all…just the message is delivered differently. You can get it any way you want. I like getting Jesus rammed down my throat every Sunday…. FEELS Great 🙂 Anyway…thanks for reading…my friend thinks I should go Catholic too. ha ha…
I am Catholic… and while I understand the reasons why priests are not allowed to marry and have children, on this particular question I stand with the Lutherans. I feel that it is better to allow them to marry and to have children if they want to do it and if they feel at peace with that decision.
I’m a lifelong practicing Catholic and Sheila, exactly what you have written is the basis for my response when the subject of allowing priests to marry arises: “No way! Why on earth would that be a good idea? How could a priest serve both the parish community and his own family fully?” I am not trying to speak to married pastors in other denominations – I am honestly speaking from only a Catholic perspective, in how I know our parishes to function and the extreme demands required. Whether a priest or a married person – both take vows. A priest vows to serve the Church, and a spouse vows to serve the other spouse and children. My own father used church as an escape at times and left hard child-rearing tasks to my mother. As married people, I believe our first obligation is to God, secondly to get our family to heaven. Being gone at church much of the time, serving in ministries, etc, – to the point of causing detriment of your family – is not living out one’s marriage vows. I don’t believe God calls us to sacrifice our family and those vows we made.
The answer is in the Bible. If we get our practice from the Bible, then we’ll have our absolutes correct.
A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach;
(1Tim. 3:2)
Innumerable pastors have served their family and their church in a God-pleasing manner through the centuries. There is ZERO biblical justification for the catholic doctrine of pastor-celibacy.
Priestly celibacy in the Roman Catholic Church is not a doctrine, it is a discipline. In theory, it could change. In contrast, the all male priesthood in the Roman Catholic Church is a doctrine and can never be changed; it is quite literally impossible. I wanted to clarify.
Tenrin, some thoughts on your post: first, the issue of pastor-celibacy is not now, nor has it ever been, a dogmatic issue in the Catholic church. However, the exact wording is critical here. Some people ask why priests cant get married. Remember, marriage and holy orders are both sacraments in the catholic church and with a few exceptions must be received in order. Priests getting married is a different question than married men becoming priests. For the first thousand or so years of church history, the church did allow already married men to the receive the sacrament of holy orders (priesthood). But if his wife died he could not remarry. Why? Because once your a priest, you cant marry and that goes all the way back to Peter not remarrying and has been the case for the entire church history. So as you can see, these are infact two different questions: can priests marry? No. Can married men become priests? Yes. (Dogmatically) in the Roman Rite today in america, we have about 100 or so married priests. Most of these men converted from Lutheranism or Anglicanism and had to be married before they were validly ordained in their original faith. These men are not required to be celibate in their marriages because as you point out that is unscriptural. Also you quote timothy, and his main point in that was in dealing with converts. Please note that even today in the Eastern Rites, priests can get married but bishops cannot.
God’s plan all along was to use sinful people to accomplish his will. If it wasn’t he could use no one. We all have short comings, regrets, failures. Thanks be to God his wil is not dependent on our sinlessness. But on HIM.
I note that the author here rightfully questions a fruit of Billy Graham’s life. I would suggest that the man was not a man of God as evidenced by what those who really were there as opposed to his great PR machine. The evidence is that he was a highly ambitious man who enjoyed great luxury and public attention whose fruit brought harm to the Kingdom of God, not the least of which are his own children and those who question God’s character because of that man. So no, God does not want a man to neglect his responsibilities in pursuit of his personal ambitions. Who is more likely to have bad character, God or Billy Graham?
Wow! Sorry about the above auto correct mishaps! It’s 1230 AM Down Under, lol!
I meant ” as a side point in reason, the Catholic Church does not allow priests to marry for what you said. Not the main reason but a noteworthy one.”
Good morning Sheila your post absolutely sent chills through me. this morning we received news that one of my former scout boys took his own life this week. It really breaks my heart. his name is Peter. he had some mental difficulties but even so I got to watch him grow. I’m really glad you called this out. recently I have come to the conclusion that my story is not unique. honestly I used to think I was kind of special because I worked my way out of A lot of hard stuff . today I have peace Because I found Jesus. I share my personal crap around here and I stand on a stump. and I don’t do it to brag. my story is nothing to brag about. I share my story so others might have hope. today I have an awesome marriage and a great relationship with my kids and I have an opportunity to show my children God‘s way so that God blesses them in all they do even when the storm comes. I was thinking about your blog today and what this place is and its lots of things but it’s a community. it’s a place where I see words and thoughts sometimes pictures of people who come here. but I care about you even though sometimes we disagree . I am here to support anyone and everyone . I attempted suicide twice as an adolecent and I was suicidal once as an adult. I’ve had suicidal thoughts at least a dozen times in my life and as recently as this past December. There are a million messages here. find one that Works for you and Carry that to a child. don’t leave them here hurting. Peace to all
God does have special callings and actions He requires of certain people for specific tasks. Let’s consider the person of Samson in the book of Judges. In Judges 13 we read that Samson and even Samson’s mother were called to a different walk. >>Judges 13: 2 “There was a certain man of Zorah, of the family of the Danites, whose name was Manoah; and his wife was barren and had borne no children. 3 Then the angel of the Lord appeared to the woman and said to her, “Behold now, you are barren and have borne no children, but you shall conceive and give birth to a son. 4 Now therefore, be careful not to drink wine or strong drink, nor eat any unclean thing. 5 For behold, you shall conceive and give birth to a son, and no razor shall come upon his head, for the boy shall be a Nazirite to God from the womb; and he shall begin to deliver Israel from the hands of the Philistines.” << What was spoken for Samson was not a requirement or calling or law for everyone. These instructions from God were given for Samson so that he could perform certain tasks within God's plan. The Bible has many such stories. How about Hosea, who God told to marry a harlot and have children with her in Hosea 1:2? Thankfully not all have that calling! Or consider Isaiah, who God told to walk naked for 3 years as a sign to the people (Isaiah 20:1,3). Each had an individual calling for a specific task.
S. I find your quote of scripture interesting. It all comes from the law of Moses. What about the Law of the Holy Spirit? I am nt interested in fighting wth you but rather discussion. Thanks
My point was that God’s instructions to these individuals were NOT “law” to everyone, but were instead specific instructions to specific individuals at a specific time for a specific task.
Understood- Thanks
My Dad was one of those abused kids you mentioned. My grandfather was a missionary to Sudan for some years. In fact, my Dad was born there. At some point, they left the kids at one of those boarding schools in Canada, while they stayed in the field, but they eventually moved back to the states and grandfather worked at the SIM hq for the rest of this life.
We didn’t learn about the abuse until my Dad was in his 70s. Until then, we had no clue, and even then he didn’t talk about it much. In fact, all of us recalled how he commented that it wasn’t so bad. Dad even retired early and became an assistant to our pastor, and eventually was ordained, too. But once we learned about the abuse, a lot of things made some more sense. Dad was never abusive but he had a temper and was a yeller at times. He was married to mom and faithful for over 50 years, far as we know. He wasn’t a loner, but he only had a few close friends, and now I realize that he hid a lot of things with humor and dry wit – always at his own expense and self put-downs – and now we know why. In some ways I am like him this way – hiding my own feelings of rejection and worthlessness (sexless marriage) in the same way.
I pity missionary kids and pastors kids. We are close friends with several missionaries and pastors, and we see this all the time. Not from their parents, but from other people. They have it so hard, and its mostly because of the christians around them who expect them to be, act, and turn out a specific way. And if they don’t, they blame the kids and the parents all at the same time.
I’m trying to remember a novel by a Christian author, about a family whose kid committed suicide, and the parents had been missionaries. One of the other kids was trying to blame their lack of attention to the children because of their mission work, but they denied it, or at least never discussed it. In the end, if I remember correctly, the parents were vindicated somehow, which I thought was awful. I hated that book, thought it was typical christian novel propaganda, that didn’t really approach the topic honestly. I thought it was Frank Peretti (whose books I enjoy), but I checked his bibliography, so it wasn’t him.
As for Billy Graham, he was a great preacher, yeah. But I think as a father – not so great. Fathers are not entirely responsible for how their kids turn out, as mothers and the kids themselves are involved as well, but I think the results speak for themselves.
Not all missionaries and pastors raise their kids the way you describe – some are very conscientious about not burdening their children with unrealistic expectations and go to great lengths to make sure they aren’t doing that. It was much more common in previous generations, though of course it does happen today all too often. Almost all of the grown pastors kids and missionary kids we know (and we know a lot since we are in ministry) have turned out very well, and had good parents who didn’t put ministry before them. Please be careful about stereotyping large groups of people.
I think we have a calling or a purpose, and that is intrinsic to who we are. I think we can also be very flawed, very broken people, but the higher calling is still there. So we get these paradoxes like Samson or David — people who had such an obvious, even overwhelming, anointing while simultaneously failing in such basic areas — including, for David, being a father.
While this is a worthy subjectI think I’d have felt better about this post had it been held back until Mr. Graham had at least been buried out of respect. Having said that perhaps the quotes on regrets found on this page might bring his own perspective to the topic at hand. https://billygraham.org/story/notable-quotes-from-billy-graham/
THANK YOU for sharing this.
It Gives him a chance to speak for himself… and answers the questions.
The perfect response. Thank you! I appreciated being able to read his words and reflections on his life- the good and the bad.
This is something I struggle with so much. I used to be so burning for God. I spent almost everyday of my week at church. After I got married that went down a little and when I got kids all changed. I did get into a spiritual depression when I first got married that affected me much but aside of that I always feel that it is hard to balance my service to God and my service to my wife and kids. I see that there are so many things to do in church. Things I used to do and be so passionate about and sometimes I want to do them again but I have a family now and a job that takes time. When I was single and before I got married I could work 12 hours and then go to church and serve there. Now I am too tired and specially after having kids. Now I want to have time to spend time with my family but I feel guilty for it. My father has been like Billy graham. He can sacrfice family encounters just to be on a Sunday service back home. If he visits one of my siblings that lives hours away he comes for a day and then he leaves to be on the service on Sunday. We often think it’s sad because we want to spend time together but he says that that’s what the Lord has told him. He used to expect that I would be so too. I am a huge disappointment to him now because I am choosing my family first. I feel guilty for it too. I don’t know if it is right but right now I just want to focus on my wife and kids without the constant stress of services here and there. I want to be able to wake up on the weekend and spend time with my family. I want to be able to romance my wife without feeling guilty that I haven’t dont that and that for God. Like today I woke up a little late and I love cleaning the kitchen before my wife wakes up and make breakfast for her. So I read my Bible and told God I was sorry but I really want to do this for her. I don’t know if it is wrong o right. I too feel confused. A part of me is scared God will take my wife and kids away from me because of this. I too feel confused. The guilt is horrible because of this. Maybe Billy felt this too. Maybe he felt too guilty to not do it and prayed that God would protect his children. We can’t know and can’t blame him because we don’t know what God told him. Maybe he did the right thing. Maybe hints would have gone worse if he had ignored what he thought was God’s calling. This really are tough questions.
It’s interesting that you should use the name “Free” for your comment because the situation you are describing sadly does not sound free at all. We must realize that “religion” often puts many demands on people and can be performance (and therefore shame) based. This is the very thing Jesus chastised the religious Pharisees about in Luke 11:46, “heavy burdens” that the people were unable to carry. Although Christianity is commonly referred to as a religion, it is more truly about relationship – us being loved, called and accepted by God – not because of performance (“not of works, lest any man boast” Eph. 2:9) – but because of Christ’s sacrifice for us and God’s great love. God knows your heart and desire to serve Him. There are seasons for different ways to do this throughout our lives. Although 1 Timothy 5 is speaking primarily of financial provision, I think the same principle also applies to our time and energies. >> “v. 4 these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family … for this is pleasing to God… v8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. “<< There are many ways to serve God and this will look differently throughout the various seasons of our lives. God knows your heart. Don't let "religion" (and Satan) reduce your love for God into a performance based relationship. Fear, shame and condemnation are not from God. His Kingdom, His Lordship brings true freedom and peace, deep joy. Receive that from Him. Study God's word to reset your thinking. Take every thought captive to Christ and tell the liar Satan to get off your back!
Thank you so much! I need to hear this. Guilt and shame is a heavy burden to carry.
Free, you might want to read Siobham’s message (further down in the blog). Excerpt: “God and church are not the same.” (and) “God first. Family second. Church third.” Good guidelines.
RE: “This is the very thing Jesus chastised the religious Pharisees about in Luke 11:46, ‘heavy burdens’ that the people were unable to carry. Although Christianity is commonly referred to as a religion, it is more truly about relationship – us being loved, called and accepted by God – not because of performance (‘not of works, lest any man boast’ Eph. 2:9)
I could not have said it better or agreed more.
♥ May I humbly suggest you read Duet. 6. Proverbs. Ephesians 5, Song of Songs… see WHY God has put these desires to spend time with your family in your heart. They are completely from Him. Be free. Romans 8 – there is NO CONDEMNATION on you. You do not have to accept judgement from any man in this world. You are a reflection (only a shadow at that) of the father and husband that God is. Lavish your love on your family. That is a strong testimony to this world where marriage and family is failing! There is a reason those desires are in you! Renew your mind – allow God’s love to drive out the fear of failure from you. He says His perfect love drives out fear – because fear has to do with punishment. Don’t fear God, brother. Run in freedom! It’s honorable!
It’s so hard to not feel condemned. I have struggled with condemnation almost my whole chrisian life. It’s hard. But thanks, I need to trust that God is holding me.
That’s wonderful Charity I truly believe that Roman 8 is the true platform of this blog. Amen sister thanks
I believe that any time spent with your wife & children is time well spent, and definitely not wasted! I used to feel guilty about not getting to church every single weekend, but now feel that if I’m spending that time together with my family, it is well spent! Please do not feel guilty for doing so in your life! I know the kids will be better off, and I believe that God would want us to minister to our own families first.
Thank you for this comment. I need to hear this!
Dear Free, my friend. Please don’t let the guilt and shame hold you back from serving your family. God gave you these precious people and by serving and leading them, you ARE serving God. He places high value on family and requires that you take care of them before you take care of anyone else. It is a high calling and since you are their father and husband it is a calling only YOU can do.
I just have to tell you that I love your heart toward God and toward your family. You are NOT a disappointment to God. He doesn’t want you to be confused or troubled about these things. Remember that you are not a carbon copy of your dad and that your journey with God is a unique one. Let go of the paradigm your dad laid out and take time to seek God about what his plan for YOU is. You are ministering to your wife and your children- this is important work.
Hey friend, I want to sincerely encourage you that God is so proud of you and loves you so much!! I hear a lot of performance-based Doctrine in your message and God does not care about your performance! You can’t outperform his grace! He loves you and he loves your family, and he wants you to love your family as well. Heck, God loves your family more than you do! We do have to be disciplined in our time with God, but he never is wanting it to be out of guilt but out of a true love and relationship with him. A good website to look through and learn about Grace is Andrew Wommack ministries — awmi.net. blessings to you!
I don’t have a good answer for that. I’ve wondered the same thing about other public figures and for myself, the conclusion I have come to is that even in the pursuit of God no human is perfect. Look at King David. He is called “a man after God’s own heart” even though he committed adultery and murder and who know what all else sins during his life. God convicted David’s spirit and they wrestled through those things. Even though Billy Graham is a public figure, there is much about his private life I’m sure he didn’t share. Maybe God did convict his spirit about being an absent father. Maybe Billy Graham had to wrestle though guilt for not being there for his kids. I don’t know. But I have to give people the benefit of a doubt, because God can do whatever He wants.
I think it’s interesting that you suggest that those called to ministry perhaps shouldn’t marry or have children… wasn’t that one of your lambasts against the Catholic church?
Shelia-
I’ve often thought this same thing while reading books about Ruth. Being a wife that’s home alone teaching, disciplining and raising my children partly alone and making most if not all the decisions about their upbringing and future. I can relate with her frustrations and the hard decisions she’s had to make. There’s this battle going on for mothers like us between mental stability and our heart pulling us to want to be super mom. Her road was tough especially in a society where men and the Christian culture put women second to men’s “work” and “agenda”. Like somehow women were born to be their husband’s personal secretary and wives were to “die to self” and endure this too as part of their “calling”. Please don’t get me wrong, I believe we as wives have great power and influence and support to provide for our husbands but it seems to me there’s a line to be drawn someplace. Where? Ha! I’m still trying to work that one out. The invisible line between being a door mat and having freedom to live your life too Jesus the best of your ability and having some freedom to be yourself. (Sorry, I hope this makes sense, I’m doing the best I can to express my thoughts) Reading some of Ruth’s autobiographies and memoirs and poems as a women I can see her frustration and struggles. On paper her husband’s ministry and her responsibility as a wife and mother may look ideal but underneath I know having the children’s father away must have created some bitterness in everyone’s hearts. Especially the children. Ideally, in my mind there should have been more balance, like the case of the wife being in the hospital. Take James Dobson for example. He is a mighty man of great influence in his ministry. When he was about 16 he rebelled against his mother and his mother called their father (whom also was in ministry and traveled a great deal) and the father stopped all engaments and came home to tend to his family. That act alone left a HUGE impression on James Dobson. In the bigger scheme of things, this was a little act, for a very short period of time (children see only around for 18 years) and the impact it left on James life and his worth and admiration and respect and priorities spoke millions. So, do I think Billy Graham should have been a better father and helped raised his children? Yes and yes and yes! What’s 18 years out of 99 years served to our Father? Nothing…but it had HUGE implications. Hind site…
Bless you and bless the Graham family and legecy. Lessons learned I hope for the children and grandchildren. Xoxox
It would be too easy to say that God uses flawed people but that is probably the best answer. We are all flawed in some way and make bad choices even when we are trying our best. This is one of the reasons Paul encouraged believers to remain single because you can’t give 100% to both God and family. The best any of us can do is trust in Jesus and hope that the good we do outways the bad for those left to remember us.
I’ve considered this topic plenty. My dad was a truck driver and was gone most of the time when I was growing up. My current husband travels quite a bit for work but not near as much as my dad did. I believe it’s best for kids to have their father in the home enough to make a substantial impact on them. And I don’t think being “in the ministry” just gives fathers (and mothers also) a free pass to neglect the parenting of their children. The Bible gives plenty of parenting advice. How can you obey THOSE scriptures if you’re not even there? I’m always reminded of I Timothy chapter 3 where the state of the home is a huge factor in choosing spiritual leaders for the church. I think using “ministry” as an excuse not to parent properly is a cop out. And I think that’s true if you’re the pastor of a tiny community church out in the sticks spending too many hours away from home or if you’re the head of a huge organization traveling internationally. Size of the ministry doesn’t matter. I do know ministry leaders who travel a lot and take their kids and family with them a lot. They’re able to maintain some balance that way. And their kids seem more stable than families where the dad is just absent a lot. Billy Graham was a great man. And flawed like we all are. It’s okay to admit that.
Peter was married and traveled with Jesus. Moses left his family to fulfill his destiny. They both seemed in accordance with God’s purposes. Is serving God with your WHOLE life something your kids can learn from? OR… This IS exactly why Paul said it’s better to stay single sometimes. ??? I think those are really personal questions for people. Something people in ministry (like my husband, my dad, both grandpas) wrestle with. I’m not sure there’s a universal answer. We see in Deut. 6 that we are for sure supposed to be walking with our kids… Proverbs is all about that too. BUT our kids are not idols to us that we put before what God is telling us to do.
I think God calls us for a purpose. The purpose is often difficult. It is always personal as in that is a specific calling for that individual & the individuals spouse. We, as flawed individuals, often struggle and fail in fulfilling our calling, but that is NOT God’s fault, nor the fault of the calling. It’s our failings & our fault. Rev. Graham did write & speak on his regrets on several occasions. Not one time did he blame God or the ministry he was called too. He merely said he would do things differently if he had it to do over again. No details, just different. Which of us wouldn’t also say we have regrets and may do things differently?
With respect, as I do enjoy your blog, and respect your opinions. This post leaves a bad taste in my mouth. This is a man who gave a lot all for the glory of God. Your already criticising his life & choices. This is not a man who lived one way in private while preaching another way. He’s not a man that gave lip service only. He gave his all. He made mistakes. He admitted them. He learned and grew in the faith & was never a hypocrite. That is why his ministry continued to be so powerfully effective through so many years. He loved God & wanted to share that love with everyone else.
I don’t see this as a criticism or attack on Billy Graham or his ministry, so much as a desire to use this high profile event to ask the hard questions regarding God’s nature. His call on some or all of our lives. I believe that is the spirit of intent, here.
A few years ago I watched an interview of Billy Graham. I think it was a PBS documentary. When asked if he had any regrets, Graham said he should have spent more time with his family and turned down many preaching opportunities. I also heard Jerry Falwell speaking to thousands of SBC pastors at a pastors conference. He told them they should not put their ministry before their wife and kids. He re-phrased Christ this way: “What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his family?”
Perhaps these questions should be put to Anne and Franklin after a respectful time. That said, none of us are exempt from the consequences for others of choices we make. We are ALL dysfunctional, that is why we need a Savior
“That said, none of us are exempt from the consequences for others of choices we make. We are ALL dysfunctional, that is why we need a Savior”.
Amen!
I heard daughter, Gigi at a women’s retreat once. Her story is interesting, but has some very sad parts. I don’t know what she is doing today. The family did pay a price, but we are all accountable to our Lord. We can’t judge the calling or consequences. We do have to discern God’s will for our own families. There is no one answer for all.
I think we have to look at your word “neglect”.
There are kids who have their Dad at home every single night, yet are “neglected”.
I have three grown and married sons. Their whole lives they’ve had a Dad who has driven long-distance in a transport. He was generally gone eleven days, slept one whole day, spent two days maintaining and repairing the rig then getting ready to head out again. Same routine every two weeks. I don’t believe they felt “neglected”; they knew their Dad loved them and was working hard to provide for our needs ( ..our ‘needs’, not our ‘wants’… our kids learned to live frugally). The kids knew they had their Dad’s love whether they were on his knee at home or whether he was 4000 km away.
When I think of the word “neglect”, it reminds me of the word “reject”. And I don’t believe for one second that my husband or Rev. Graham rejected their kids. As adults, we are not responsible for the choices our children make… no matter HOW they were raised. Rev. Graham could’ve been home every night and still had rebellious children or grown children who divorced. We all have made bad choices in life, but thankfully the Lord was/is always with us, just as He’s been with the Graham children.
Pretty sure Rev. Graham made his wife and children a priority in His every-day prayer life and was in tune with the Lord’s direction. Surely the Lord would’ve re-directed Rev. Graham’s path if He’d wanted him to spend more time at home.
Ultimately Rev. Graham stands before the Lord to answer for his choices; but I’m bettin’ he still heard the clear words, “Well done, good and faithful servant”.
The neat thing about our God is that He refuses to be put in a box, and He uses each of us uniquely for His purpose! I’m thankful for how God uses me with my family and my ministry, and I pray that other people will be able to cheer me on without criticism. I’m certainly thankful for the blessings God has poured out all over those who have been obedient to their calling, even when the cost was great.
I enjoy your blog posts immensely for this reason! Now let’s get om with it…
First, God HAS asked for child sacrifices. He asked for Isaac from Abraham, and God so graciously gave us Jesus. So let’s not forget this. Do I believe there were consequences in the Abraham-Isaac scenario? Absolutely. The willingness to sacrifice was above all and that is what the Lord seeks.
The secret things belong to the Lord. This may apply here. I am in no way excusing the long lasting effects of his absence. His wife’s position is the same as Billy’s…to this you were called. And her placinf the children in boarding school because it was too much? Sorry, I’m not buying it. I’m a mom of six and had very little support…unmarried. I trusted in the Lord amd He directed me. Now, my kids have definite issues amd were exposed to the same perils as a boarding school provided. But the difference is, they had me present. Their mom’s choices affected them just as much as his absence did. If it was that bad, why not divorce?
I’m just playing the other side. Parenting is not easy either way. Kids ultimately make far reaching and long lasting decisions in and of themselves. Their parents abandonment and perceived rejection are dedinitely real, but at the end of the day, those children had options albeit difficult ones. Ultimately, most of them found their way to Jesus and He is doing great things through them in spite of their parents obvious failures and miahaps.
Just a note about the child sacrifice. The child sacrifices of Molech were the people‘s idea of what they perceived as worthy religious service to their idol. The idol did not instruct or ask them to it, somebody at some point came up with this aweful idea and many people followed. The Bible is clear that God did not approve of this. However, the sacrifice of Isaac does not compare to this. First of all it is a single instance where God specifically instructs Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac that was born to them miraculously at an age were the fruitful years were already in the past. He was the one son through whom the promise was supposed to be fulfilled. When God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, He basically asked him to lay down everything he had hope in for the promise to be fulfilled. It is also a picture of Jesus actually fulfilling the promise Abraham received that through his seed all the nations will be blessed. In a way it was a test as if to see if Abraham was willing to give his son, just like God Himself would do eventually. We also know that in the end Isaac was saved, he never was sacrificed, we also know that Abraham had hope all along that God would provide another sacrifice, which he did.
I believe when it comes to sacrificing for ministry we must be extremely careful to know what God is really calling us to do, and not to just be busy with seemingly good religious work that we think we should do but God never called us to do. I think this is what Billy Graham meant when he spoke of regret and that he should have turned down more speaking engagements. Maybe he just said yes to every opportunity to serve without ever seeking guidance as to when to say yes and when to say know. And this is exactly where I see the difference in the personal relationship with God coming before the family, but service to God after family.
My husband is in full time ministry and I know well how many opportunities come along and most of them are not God’s calling for him. Sometimes though he has to go abroad or away overnight, but when we both know for sure it’s God’s calling that informs also my approach to how I communicate about his absence to the children.
Well said!
I think that if billy graham wanted to do his ministry exactly the way he did, he should not have gotten married. So often we think people in Christian leadership should be married but in reality, this is exactly what Paul talks about when he says he wasn’t getting married for the sake of the gospel and that it is better not to marry. Because Paul says that when a man does marry, he has to be concerned with the happiness of his wife. So basically Paul is saying if you do get married, you can’t then put ministry above your wife because if you want to do that you should not have gotten married in the first place. And if you do get married, you have an obligation and duty to put your family first. Sure any family will have to sacrifice a little for its members callings, not just dads. Mom may have a calling that requires dad to do more around the house, a kid may have a calling that takes time and money, but overall family comes first. I think this is a huge issue still with men choosing jobs and doing work that makes it almost impossible to be a present and good father and husband and especially when it’s ministry, people can’t recognize the harm and bad of it. People need to change their mindset and put their family first or just not get married. And we have to be able to call these people out, even if we respect and admire and know the importance of their work. Because we aren’t helping other evangelists and pastors and even coaches and doctors if we act like if you do good work and help a lot of people then you get a pass on neglecting your family.
We know Billy Graham made mistakes because he was human. I believe he was probably doing what he felt God called him to do. We can learn lessons for ourselves but ultimately we need to make sure that we do not try to play God but let God be the judge. Even if he had been home for some of those important things and more in his children’s lives, that is no guarantee how they would have turned out because they reach a point of making their own choices.
I think his choices are between Him and God. I think we think we know what others should do, looking on, without being them.
I think he acknowledged that there were things he could have done differently and he made peace with his family around these decisions. I think pastor’s children have an unrealistic burden placed on them and many pks have stories that confound us.
I think we sometimes try to impose an ideal around parenting on others – when they have to do what they think is best in their situations.
I think they are many ways to parent and still have a good outcome.
As a preacher’s kid myself, I remember my father being called away to minister to congregants, and we had strict rules about phone usage because we couldn’t tie up the line in case a church member had an emergency. (To the young people out there, we had a single landline with one phone number with no call waiting or even voice mail. Pre-answering machines too.) I understood that I was a priority, but my stuff could get overridden by the needs of the church. And I think was okay.
However, what some ministers do — and I’m personally not comfortable calling out Billy Graham so soon after his death — is become workaholic preachers. And my question becomes: Are they really doing it for the Kingdom? Or are they getting some personal payback?
Being in ministry, it’s really great when people tell you what a difference you’ve made, and then you can become tempted to spend all your time ministering to people and feeling personally responsible for them. If you won’t help them, who will? you might tell yourself. But I really think it is like Mordecai told Esther: “If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place…” Jesus appointed TWELVE apostles, not one, and sent out SEVENTY-TWO people to evangelize. No one person need feel the burden of saving the world — that was already accomplished by one person in the form of Jesus.
Maybe at some level it just isn’t as personally satisfying to stay home and do the long-haul work of parenting versus standing before crowds and witnesses conversions. But we need to believe that God is big enough to find someone else to send to the seekers if you have to forgo this time and minister instead to your family.
Sheila,
I agree, there is discordance between Billy Graham’s Ministry and Personal Life. I also agree that how he handled his marriage and children as secondary to his ministry caused long term negative ripple effects in his family. He could have and should have handled this better and in a more God honoring way that would not have cause these negative problems. He and his family are paying the price of those choices but also some of the negatives are directly related to those person choice to sin (ie the Grandson). I also think that it points to the glory of God and how in spite of our sinful nature God can still work for His glory. Hopefully we all can learn from the truths in Billy Grahams life of the need to serve the Lord wholly but in a way that doesn’t harm your family but lifts them up. No one is perfect and we can learn from his mistakes and his ministry.
Your question has to do with prioritizing family and ministry. My great great Uncle and Aunt were missionaries to Africa. After their son was born (in Africa) they came back to the States for two years. When they returned to Africa they left their son to be raised by relatives! That was in the early 1900s. We would never do that today! I hear you saying that very thing about how Dr Graham set his time priorities. But I’m sure there are things we do today that in a hundred years people will look back and say, “How could they have done that? Couldn’t they see the results of their actions?” I suspect that there are many things that we can’t see now just like there are in every generation. So my conclusion is that each generation will define their priorities differently and we should be very careful when we look back several generations so as to not “judge” what they did in the light of our own context rather than theirs.
I remember thinking along these same lines when I learned about A.W Tozer’s life, and it was a similar situation, where his wife was essentially left on her own. Daniel Boone was one that really irked me too (not a religious figure, but a historical one, whose wife was more of a hero in my eyes than he will ever be! LOL)
I think historically, we will find that is a common thread among male “heroes” (for lack of a better word). Being a much different time period, women were probably not welcome in many of these settings, and most women would probably not want to live on the road trying to raise children anyways.
What I do know, is that God can use it all. Any of it, good or bad, and I feel He has in this instance. Maybe if things were different, the kids wouldn’t be following in dad’s footsteps. We all have regrets, all parents make mistakes, but we have to trust God will use it if we let Him.
So interesting… and I’ve seen this in success books, business books, self-help etc. the people who rise to the highest heights are nearly ALWAYS extremely driven, ambitious, and desirous of power. Whether of good character or bad, doesn’ t matter, you don’t get to be the CEO of a fortune 500 company or the biggest evangelist in the world without AGREEING to go All Out.
And I think that it’s not usually the people from calm, peaceful, stable, functional homes that Go All Out in such a public way. From what I gather (as a reader and researcher since I love people patterns) there is usually some type of wounding or needing to prove. Doesn’t mean you don’t do amazing stuff, of course, but that two people gifted by God in a similar way will do two totally separate things with it based on their inner need for approval.
Not talking about Billy Graham here, just in general 🙂
That’s interesting, Rachel. I’m going to ponder that one.
I think he agreed he was gone too much. I heard an interview yesterday about what he would have changed. He said he wouldn’t have traveled as much. There is a verse that says take care of your own family first and if not, you’re worse than an infidel. 1 Tim 5:8. My grandpa also was a preacher who neglected his family. 2 of his 3 kids are unbelievers. I don’t agree with neglect or stadium “repeat this prayer and you’ll be saved” style ministry, but God uses his people, knowing we are from the dust. I think today is a little soon even tho very good thoughts and nice humble tone.
Does it not say in the bible, “he who does not hate his father, mother, children, sister or brother, can not be my disciple”? I know that does not mean literally, but I think it means, you absolutely put God before anything or anyone else. We’re all messed up people in some way, even without being shipped off to a boarding school. I’m sure Mr. Graham had his own faults, but he followed also, the teaching of the bible,” be instant in season and out of season.” We can’t place blame on how the children turned out on him not being at home. We all make our own choices in life, everyday and it’s up to us how it turns out.
First of all, lots of people commenting seem to want to tacitly assent to the premise of the article (Billy Graham was a lousy dad) but object to the “timing”. I’m not at all convinced that there would be a better time for some of your readers. I think there would have been the same pushback after a week, or a month. Much longer than that, and who would have been paying attention? Now is the perfect time, because it’s on people’s minds.
Second…Billy Graham WAS a lousy dad. I know I’m gonna get lots of comments accusing me of rudeness, or insensitivity, or not knowing all the facts, but whatever. The fact is, it is well nigh impossible to be a good dad when you’re not there. Just imagine what the talk would be like now if it were a woman we were talking about. The fact that his kids love and respect him is irrelevant. Kids love parents that hit them, too. (Not saying he was abusive, everybody calm down) It’s the way they’re built. But every single one of his kids had SIGNIFICANT problems, usually relationally. It’s all out there, public, so anybody can go look for themselves. He was also a greatly used, single-minded man, and single-mindedness has consequences. God seems to think it’s okay to view the life of any particular believer (lots of people mentioned David) as both an inspiration, and a cautionary tale. Why is this guy any different?
I think this is a really cool conversation and I am going to have to read up closer on it all tonight. My one thought after skimming all the comments real quick is that we all arent perfect and we make choices and then have to live with the consequnces. And as J pointed out Jesus is the one who makes that right.
Thanks for all your comments, everybody! I’m sorry that I don’t have time to respond to each one–we’re just so busy with wedding prep around here.
I want to stress, though, that my question is less “Did Billy Graham make a mistake?” and more “What does God want from us?” I really don’t think it matters to any of us personally if Billy Graham made a mistake or not. But I think it matters to all of us immensely to wrestle through what God wants our priorities to be. I use Billy Graham as an example because he so obviously did so much good and God so obviously used him. So he’s the perfect conundrum as an example. But the question is really more one about God than Graham. What does he ask us to do with regards to our kids vs. ministry? And I really don’t know. Thanks for all your comments!
Well-asked question! IMHO it isn’t actually a 1:1 tradeoff because God always makes up the difference. So if Billy Graham had stayed home from an occasional crusade, it doesn’t have to mean less people would have been reached. God would have still reached them. Who knows how…God’s awesomeness is beyond our imagination. I suspect the sad truth is that the Grahams missed out on seeing even greater works of the Lord by choosing to live by a rule of sorts instead of beseeching th Lord for His intervention.
You lost me at “Washington Post.” Bozos’ blog isn’t where I’d go for real information about anyone – especially an evangelical. Look at how they treated Castro’s legacy?
Bad timing. Bad source. There are better ways to open a discussion about ministry and family.
In one way, Graham’s work was done with his family. As Christians, our first priority is to “go into all the nations and preach the gospel to all creation” (Mark 16:15). Once His children knew Jesus, they had eternity! Jesus said that we should forsake all others in our answer to His call on our lives. ““If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.”
Luke 14:26 NIV. I believe that your perspective may stir up strife and doubt in a new believer or seeker. It could be a gross misrepresentation of him, and a stereotype for anyone sold out for Christ in the ministry. I think his example and legacy shows the world that even when your profession is winning people for Christ, we do it with excellence!
Can I ask an honest question? Why is it that men’s lives are so easily picked apart and not women’s here? And why is it women get to tell men who to be both men, husbands and fathers but not the reverse?
Why is it a man who literally God used to save hundreds of thousands, possibly millions of souls to the Kingdom of God, can be parsed with such a critical eye and spirit and yet if someone asks about your family or yourself it is off limits and we are being ungodly, mean, not filled with love and know nothing of God.
Why is it only you get to ask the questions?
This really makes me sad. Did you really have to post this the day after Billy Graham passed away? I thought you would have more compassion for his family during their time of grieving.
Lets focus on the positive and not the negative. There is enough of that in our world everyday. I am so grateful for this man who stood up to proclaim the name of Jesus and wasn’t afraid of what others thought. So many became followers of Jesus Christ through his ministry. He wasn’t perfect…none of us are. He brought others to Christ!
I’m thankful that even though I am not perfect and have many flaws my God is a forgiving God and loves me.
It is definitely worthy discussion, Sheila, if anything from the standpoint to better understand someone as a complete person, rather than only their public persona.
Interestingly, I saw a video clip (I think from 2009 or so) where Billy Graham was asked what he would have done differently. I was fully expecting him to say he would have spent more time with his kids and family. But his answer wasn’t quite that. He said he would have travelled less and done fewer speaking engagements, BUT so he could spend more time in meditation and prayer. Good things for sure, but he didn’t mention his kids or family at all.
On a related note, I’ve never liked how Billy Graham has been put on such a pedestal –I know, I know. He has done amazing things to spread the gospel, and that is awesome. But some of the accolades seem to almost drift into idolatry. People will probably shoot arrows at me for saying it, but just calling it like I see it.
I think you’ve hit on something here, Julie. Lots of people are having negative reactions based on comparing Billy Graham with your average Reverend Joe, and defending him being absent from his family’s lives so much because they know or have experienced dads who’ve done the same out of necessity to keep jobs or food on the table. But Billy was a celebrity, and we Christians (obviously) love our celebrities. Was he absent out of necessity? Or was it something else…some sense of being indispensable to God’s purpose?
This is a great topic and so important! I have found a wonderful ministry that has helped me to work through this question. It is called missionmindedfamilies.com and it focuses on the Great Commission being fulfilled without sacrificing our families. Their book The Mission-Minded Family is excellent—I highly recommend it!
Sheila, thank you for your thoughts. The scriptures says a carnal man cannot understand the things of the Spirit because they are spiritually discerned. Billy Graham had his learning curves and maturity mileposts, perhaps he could have considered making better decisions, however, God was glorified in the end.
I want you to realize that Billy’s long time absence from home is not proportional to the challenges his children and grand children faced. Every child born into this world by a woman is a sinner and until such a child finds Jesus through the conviction of the Holy Spirit, such child will continue to rebel against God.
Have you considered the children of Jacob, Eli, Samuel, David? What kind of lives did they live? We must have the mind of God and see things from the perspective of the Holy Spirit lest satan employs us as accuser of the brethren. God bless
I think that anyone having this train of thought should ask why they are feeling the need to be judgmental of someone else. Or why there would be a tendency to associate certain choices in his life with observed outcomes. You must know that you cannot make these correlations in haste from the outside. And that it is not our place to judge the life or contributions of someone else. I have met many wonderful Christian parents with deadbeat lost children. And many parents that did not parent actively that have wonderful children.
Let this man (and every man) rest in peace. He certainly should not be judged or picked apart by other Christians. I was disappointed in this post (long time reader).
Were you ever taught that you don’t have to say everything you’re thinking?? This is one of those times. Poor taste in general, but especially poor timing. The world doesn’t need to hear what you think about every. single. thing. Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but come on.
It’s Sheila’s blog and she’s free to write about whatever is on her heart. You don’t have to like it and you can also choose to not read it. She obviously wants to have an open discussion with the rest of us on what we think and how we feel.
I brought this topic up to my husband after reading the original article (which brought forth even more issues like he ignored his wife’s calling to tibet telling her it was about him since he was the husband and telling his daughter she could not go to school because she was to be a wife/mom) and my husband got annoyed with me for “bashing” Billy Graham even though I simply told him what the article said and wanted his opinion. My husband said that Billy Graham felt called from God to do those things, much like other men do (like his dad who was a college coach for a long time and basically missed everything in his family). My question, and I would love for everyone to chime in, is how does one reconcile feeling called by God to do one thing even though that one thing will cause you to forsake your other calling as a husband/father. Christian circles seem to tell women all the time that even if they feel called to something or have a passion for it, there family still comes first so they either can’t have a job or have to work around their family. This seems like a complete double standard because a lot of times men do not do that and are never expected to. Yes, someone has to earn money, but why does a woman’s calling from God come second to taking care of her family, but a man’s does not? Because if that was true, even Billy Graham could not excuse how he treated his family by saying he was called to his ministry, because he still could have ministered and been a much better husband and father. Why are women told to put family above calling but men are not? And do we really think that God would call someone to something that would harm their family? Or is the over ministering, the crazy job schedules like coaching, and the traveling not what God wants? Or is that many people are called to these things, but just should not get married, and when they do, God alters their calling so they can be good to their family? Can “God called me to do it” be a valid excuse for being an absentee father and not taking care of a wife’s need for quality time and emotional connection? And how could Billy Graham tell his wife that she had to follow him and his calling if she became his wife, obviously putting him over her calling to evangelize Tibet, but yet he put his calling above his family? I would love to hear thoughts on this seeing that my husband does not want to talk about this with me anymore because he thinks I am bashing working men.
I’ve heard of this happening so many times in preaching families. I llistened to an interview with the Mully family on the Boundless Podcast, and I think it may have even been Calvin who left a similar legacy. From my limited understanding, these men lead incredible ministries and God uses them to reach immense amounts of people to His glory, but they live their lives as single men. Perhaps they got married before they realized how involved their ministry would be, but the bible itself says that in marriage you have a divided heart, your first ministry is to your Lord, spouse and family. These men seem to be married and act like they’re single in their ministry. I don’t think that’s the way it should be, and all the children in the above families have wrestled with abandonment in their parents ministry. But the Lord has chosen to honour that and give them understanding and now they celebrate the ministries of their parents. To me, I wouldn’t advise it and no one knows the heart of the Lord, but that’s not to say he won’t use it for his glory.
Just my two cents anyway 😊
I’ve commented this on another blog post, but it bears repeating. My husband and I are both pastors. We strongly feel that our call is first to God, second to our family, and third to the church. God and the church are not the same.
For example, we moved our family across the country because of a ministry God called us to do. On the other hand, my husband has declined to officiate at a funeral during our daughter’s birthday party, offering to do it later in the day instead. God first. Family second. Church third. Having firm priorities makes these decisions clearer (if not always easier).
This is the only reasonable answer.
God. Family. Church.
Thank you for such a simple, yet common sense, response.
Michelle, this is one of the reasons catholics call the family the “domestic church”.
Personally, I see great parallels between the WaPo article (*) and this story as published by Politico.
https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2018/02/21/billy-graham-death-richard-nixon-217039
IMO, Billy Graham was a great orator but NOT a great minister… and definitely not even a “good” father or husband.
I also believe that our Creator’s primary desire, the primary mission is that a married man with kids first mainly be a GREAT husband and a GREAT father. Ministry comes second. There are many ministers and pastors (priests, rabbis, etc.) – maybe too many?
But more than enough to take up the slack. Billy Graham could have been a very good minister while PRIMARILY being a great husband and a great father.
I personally believe that now he is at his new address, that the Creator or one of his Guides will sit Billy down and explain what he did wrong.
At least I surely hope so!
(*) https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2018/02/21/divorce-drugs-drinking-billy-grahams-children-and-their-absent-father/?utm_term=.f5d7cc833e20
I have struggled with these same questions. My grandpa has always been a passionate evangelist and active in ministry since he was a young man. However, he was not a great father or husband, and I have watched him belittle, disregard, and neglect my grandma for so many years. He decided about 5 years ago that God was calling him to be a missionary in Belize, even though he and my grandma are in their 80s and she has health issues that require medical care she can’t get there. She also has the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s, and still he will not care for her the way he should. Currently he is still in Belize, and she is in the states close to my mom who is taking the brunt of caring for her because my grandpa won’t. And yet he still believes that he is doing God’s will. I just don’t buy it. I do not believe God calls you to neglect your family for the sake of others. If you are married you have a calling to be a good spouse/parent. That is not in conflict with your calling to be a good evangelist or whatever ministry you are in. They need to coexist. Frankly, if I wasn’t a strong believer already, his witness would turn me away from God. I do believe that he loves God but he spent all his zeal on others and did not let God refine him and mature him and he did not walk toward Christ in his personal life. To me that is just sad.
This is a good question and one I struggle with too. I grew up as an MK in West Africa in the ’80s- and 90s and have seen and felt the damage and trauma that occurs when ministry is placed before the family. It horrific and the effects doesn’t just stop with the children, it affects generations. It’s not healthy and defiantly not God’s plan for the family.
Some thoughts —
1) In many ways, Graham is being judged by “today’s” standards, even though some of those standards may or may not be wiser and better than those of past era’s. Consider, he was almost 100 years of age. It was definitely an era when men in general tended to making a living (whatever the career choice ended up being), and that was their major focus. I’m not saying “all men”, but am saying it was a different era and we are looking at it in retrospect. A lot has changed over the last century.
2) Many Christian organizations began encouraging their ministers to spend more time with family around the 1990’s and early 2000’s, as they began to see the families splintering. From the 1900’s to now, there is much less big tent, revival type traveling by the ministry in general. Now, one of the biggest problems seems to be that no matter where a minister is, pornography is available. That is the biggest threat to minister’s per many who evaluate these things. There is always something lurking for every human being to discourage, misdirect and threaten. In today’s world, although more men do seem to stay home, there are other challenges not faced in the decades past.
3) For any successful or highly praised minister – – how about making it paramount to often praise their mate and children. Send them a card, write some words of appreciation, and try to make it about them – not about the successful mate/dad. Children (and wives) in cases of successful ministry (or any other career or calling) often speak of feeling shadowed at the least and unappreciated or judged.
4) Without doubt it seems that children have a better chance at having a well balanced life if both parents are present; however, that isn’t always the case, and as one of the comments mentioned – – there are many families where the children “wish” their dad wasn’t home much. A dad being home doesn’t necessarily mean he is seeking to guide, provide or set an example for his children (this can also be said for the other mate).
5) Life can be complex whether living a Christian life or not. I’m often surprised how many young people marry before ever even discussing how they would feel if the other had a job (or calling) that required a lot of traveling. I recently heard about a couple divorcing after one year because he assumed since they were in their late 30’s that she wasn’t planning on having children. She was hoping for 2 or 3.
6) Although, I have questions about discussing the life of Billy Graham, I can also understand the questions. As with many things in our world, communication seems to be either lacking or highly divisive. A good conversation with participants listening and working together can often bring about quite good results.
You know, my dad worked out of town Monday through Friday every day of my life growing up. I never felt abandoned, lonely, or unsupported. My mom never resented him being away. It was his job. But he made great efforts my whole life to be present when he was home, to call every day, and to be intentional with his relationship. I believe Billy Graham could’ve done the things he did, while being a better father if he and his wife made different decisions. We traveled to where my dad was when we had the opportunities. My mom made that happen. She packed 5 of us in the car and we drove 5, 10, 15 hours…whatever, to spend time with dad. Dad took us out of town with him when he could. But when he wasn’t there, he was still there in spirit. But some of the problem with Billy Graham is generational. His generation parented very differently. I think you can spend a lot of time away from your family for the sake of work, and still have a full life.
I really like this, Keelie. Checking in a lot with your family can overcome the loss of face-to-face time, because it’s obvious that you’re still a priority. That’s how I felt about my dad, too. And especially because when he was with us, he was really and truly with us.
How can a wife and kids compete with God for their fathers attention? Billy Graham should have decided celibacy or family, instead he sacrificed one for the other. God cares as much for one little child as He does for truckloads of celebs and heads of state.
Good discussions, everyone, but extend to Sheila some grace. Has it occurred to you that she herself is likely wrestling with these questions because of her own life and ministry? Her daughter is getting married tomorrow. I’m sure Sheila would love the luxury of setting everything else aside so that she can fully enjoy this very special event in the life of their family – – and yet, she still feels responsibility to, and checks in on, her ministry on the blog – for us. Finding proper balance in life (in all areas) is something most of us wrestle with.
As for the men vs. women questions … In my 40+ years of being a Christian, I have seen many (many) men feel abandoned as their wives instead chose to go to Bible studies 3 nights a week. Then the wives wonder why their husbands don’t seem to be interested in church or coming to God. Some women perhaps even nagging their husbands on this issue. With or without words, making them feel “less than” and ungodly.
All is food for thought and prayer.
Exactly, and so often many assume that God and Church are the same thing. They really are separate things Church/Ministry comes after family.
You hit the nail on the head with this response, finding proper balance in life is something that most of us wrestle with and this really is a question that I ask of myself as well.
As a pastor’s wife with 4 young kids, I agree, Sheila. My husband and I often have this discussion. He could easily work 80 hours a week and still not finish, but he doesn’t want our children to have an absent father. He refuses to take many evenings away from home and will usually only travel for events if we can go with him. I’ve talked with too many other pastors’ wives who felt their husband was married to the church and the children resented their father for always being so available to the church. I feel like our first ministry as parents is to our families. If we fail on raising our children as disciples, we have failed. Period. My pastor growing up said the the church could get a new pastor, but it was not fair for his wife to have an absent husband, so he would minister to her (and his children) and let those relationships take priority. While we serve God above all else in all we do, being a pastor is a job that should not come before serving the family that God has entrusted to us. Random events happen; it might be necessary to travel sometimes; etc. But it should not be a habit that inhibits our family relationships.
I think many Christians neglect to remember that bringing your children up in the Lord is “serving” God, being ONE flesh with you spouse living spiritual lives together and discipline your children is “serving God!
Your church in the home is the most important church before leadership. Timothy tells us that a leader needs to be able to run his own household accordingly before being trusted to lead and teach in the outer.
To often I see mums and dads dragging their toddlers into the kids room, leaving them crying (but the stop after 10 minutes right?), so that they can be ‘fed’ with Gods word at Church. Forgetting that the first Church is your family, in your home. Church is a gathering of people, uniting for God, praising, praying, teaching learning for God. I actually think it is the most important role is serving this being your children up in the Lord….the are the future warriors! Explains why Satan is trying his hardest to attack the family unit.
People are confusing their Love for God with serving.
You can still hold God as your number one love whilst serving your children!
Serving your spouse and children is Gods will.
“Oh but I’ve been called to preach other here or there….. Our God is a loving God who gives us free will. He also gave us a brain… If you are called, by God, and not by your own desires or arrogance to think that the world can’t hear from God than other than by you, than you need to think how this is going to affect your number 1 church. Is it somewhere you can take the family with you. Is there some other time, way or means to do this that it won’t be completely affecting your family?? Our God is the creator and we forget that He also is the creator of the timing, the how’s and whys and the means. He is immeasurable and can do anything. He will provide a way for you to nurture His and your number 1’s (your family) whilst serving in areas other than they.
I Know that God would not require us to have babies and then neglect them to the care of someone else to serve and raise them and call us to a much greater purpose. There is no greater purpose than raising the army of God.
Just my point. After all there are still many scriptures about raising children.
The word discipline meaning ‘to disciple’ , correct and show the right way….not as in the form of punishment.
1 Timothy 5:8
“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
Scripture has the answers we’re looking for. Completely in context, this verse is talking about material provisions. But we all know our families need more from us than a shirt on their backs, a roof over their head, and food on the table.
As a bi-vocational minister, husband, and father of 5, I feel very strongly about this.
Do I think Billy Graham failed his family? Without a doubt, yes.
Do I think God still used him? Obviously.
Do I think there was a better way? Absolutely.
God does not call us to “sacrifice” our families and children, as you so aptly put it. He calls us to provide for, to nurish, and to build up our families and children.
Fathers have the single greatest impact on how their children perceive and interact with God. If I neglect my children, I am responsible for the damage and hurt that causes. If I justify it by saying, “But look at all the good I accomplished because of it!” I’m still responsible for the hurt and damage I caused my own family; to those I was charged to protect, nurture, and raise in the fear and admonition of the LORD.
What would have happened if Mr. Graham had honored his family and taken care of them instead of neglecting them? I don’t know. Maybe his impact would have been so much greater.
As it stands, he’s responsible and will have to answer for how he treated the most precious treasures entrusted to him. When I stand before my God on judgment day I want to be proud of how I nurtured those entrusted to my care.
Of prominence in Malachi is the LORD’s rebuke of the priests for neglecting their wives:
Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
I think unfortunately that Sheila is making an assumption that Billy Graham himself does not acknowledge that he HAD misplaced priorities in the prime of his ministry years. Ruth and Graham talked about that openly later in life and he has apologized to her and his children.
Sheila’s comments of “it does seem strange to me that God would ask us to neglect our kids to do a bigger work.” is actually misunderstanding the greatness of Billy Graham because he never claimed to have “lived as an example” and even admits to great weakness but in that lays the example we can learn from him – he put in place boundaries and accountability partners to limit the damage that he knew his weaknesses could cause and he did the best he could with what he knew at the time. He came from a generation where ministry took precedent over family, that was the norm. He humbly spoke later about the DAMAGE those priorities caused.
So I continue to believe that Billy Graham has lived an life worthy of our respect – not because he did not make mistakes, but because he humbly acknowledged his weaknesses and gives God full glory for his successes. He is one of the few who lived with integrity and righteousness in the public eye, even acknowledging his shortcomings as a father for many years. Even in that, he modeled asking for forgiveness and seeking reconciliation which is a big reason his children were able to put through. It should leave us with hope for our own shortcomings and encourage us that God can work through anyone who surrenders their hearts and lives to him!
Those are my thoughts in a nut shell😊
As a pastor’s wife I know first hand how challenging it is when you’re husband has to travel a lot. But I do not agree with the idea that Billy Graham neglected his children. He had faith that God would take care of his children. Throughout history men have had to be absent from their home to take care of their families. It’s not easy, but it’s God who cares for the family in during these times. Men and women of God get so much criticism, no matter how much god they do, there’s always going to be areas of their lives that aren’t pretty.
I think that comparing going on extensive travel to do God’s work to child sacrifice is harsh and cruel. Especially to those of us who make sacrifices to bring the word of God to a hurting world.
Read Siobahn and Mark’s reply above for a deeper understanding.
God first, family second, church third
-Siobhan
Good questions. I think people can get so caught up in their “calling” or “religion” or “God’s work” that they fail to actually keep God’s commandments. This always has negative consequences. Let’s look at some relevant scriptures in the Tim quote about taking care of your family.
John 14:15 “If you love me, keep my commandments”
John 14:23 “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them”
Micah 6:8 He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
In 1 Tim 4 Paul instructs the people on how to live in order to please God 1) live holy lives 2) love the brethren 3) live quite lives and mind your own affairs so that you give outsiders no cause to despise the brethren. These instructions are repeated in many of the epistles.
Note how none of these passages talk about doing “great things for God” or “doing God’s work”. Paul actually repeatedly says how he’s *not* doing the work.
As to people claiming a calling which contradicts any of the actual clear instructions for Christian living, Jer 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
So we need to be extra careful to make sure it really is God and not out ego or pride. Spoiler alert, if it contradicts a clear command from scripture, it’s not God.
As to what might have been: maybe might have been really isn’t a thing. Maybe that’s a perception borne out of our linear perxeption if time. C. S. Lewis likes to say for God there is no future or past. All time is the eternal NOW. He doesn’t forsee things: He sees them. So maybe that is a nonsensical question.
Maybe every choice we’ve ever made or ever will make is tied up into the fabric of reality since the very beginning. Maybe there are innumerable threads that splinter off every time anyone makes the most trivial decision, like in Dune.
Predestination or free will? Jesus said the Son of Man had to be betrayed, but woe be to the one who betrays Him. Clearly, He expects us to do the right thing no matter what. Equally clear is that God’s purposes cannot be thwarted. Maybe predestination and free will are edge cases and the truth is somewhere in between. Or something entirely different bound up in the nature of reality that we cannot conceive because we are in Flatland (in 2D) and God is in 16 dimensional space. Who knows?
I think as long as we focus on God’s actual revealed will and obey that, and test our feelings very carefully and rigorously and with wise counsel, we’ll be ok.
Great thoughts, Alchemist! This is where I come down, a lot, too–you just can’t see cause and effect because for God it is different. So all we can do is obey in the here and now.
Yup. I really think we like to tie ourselves up in knots about these things. Because we like to think we’re important. Or because we don’t want to obey a clear command and we think we can convince ourselves we don’t need to, because “the greater good” or “our calling”. Or because we like to think we can plan our futures, or leave a legacy or something.
The Christian life is really extremely simple. So simple, a child can understand it. Our pride doesn’t like that. It also doesn’t make it easy.
There is a powerful Christian book called Heavenly Man. It talks of a Chinese missionary who sacrificed everything for spreading the good news in China. It also came at a cost in relation to time spent with his family (wife and kids). One day an elder called him aside and told him that God did NOT want him to forsake his family. He had to repent and bring balance into his missionary work. We do not know if, when, how many times God may have attempted to speak with Billy Graham. I do know this: we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Thank goodness for His mercy and grace.
I’m going to toss in my thoughts on this subject. First of all, anyone calling Sheila or this article tasteless or disrespectful (because it points out the fact that a Godly but mortal man was not perfect) needs to take a close look at the Bible. It is full of examples of Godly but imperfect men and women. It tells of their lives and doesn’t conveniently leave out their mistakes to paint a saintly portrait of them. Rather the Bible gives a realistic account of their lives so we are able to learn from the good and bad choices they made.
When my sister passed away, I received grief counseling at my school. One of the lessons that we learned was that it was ok to acknowledge that our loved ones were not perfect and that it is actually really unhealthy to pretend like they were perfect just because they passed away. Because if you do that, you aren’t honoring or continuing to love that person for who they actually were. You’re creating a completely different person in your mind.
I don’t think any life lived on this earth should be beyond examination. Especially those lived by public fugures. No, we should not bash people living or dead. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, “this person made a mistake and this is how I can learn from it to make a positive change in my life because I make mistakes too.” Examining a human life for ALL that it was is NOT the same as judging it.
And I believe with my whole heart that marriage was the very first ministry created by God. The very fact that the marriage relationship is meant to mirror Christ’s relationship with the church should tell us all that we need to know about placing other priorities before our marriage. God is the ONLY relationship and priority that comes before marriage. God and the church are two separate priorities as previous commenters have pointed out. Marriage and Parenthood are ministries. Crucial ones because those relationships have the potential to change and mold us and bring us closer to understanding God and what motivates Him. Unconditional love. These relationships have a dual purpose. To minister to and be ministered BY people who have the greatest potential to grant us understanding of the perfect love God has for us. The love a father has for his children. I mean no disrespect to those who are not married or to those who do not have children. God provides many ways to grow closer to Him. But what I am saying is that when you have these relationships, they were designed by God to be incredibly profound and IMPORTANT. Not something that should be treated like a hindrance to doing God’s work, but the starting point of that work. I wish more people realized that spending time with your family IS God’s work. If it doesn’t feel like it, then the solution isn’t to sacrifice that time for more church groups and activities that take you away from your family. The solution is to invite God and Christ into your family time or find or start a church activity that brings parents and children together. I find it incredibly sad that I have never seen a church group designed for parents and children to interact and learn together.
That is really the last point I want to make. I think the church really needs to place more emphasis on worshipping and ministering as a family. I think perhaps the reason why so many parents have trouble relating to their children is the fact that by the time their children start to become “complex” the parents are so far removed from who their children are and from childhood and adolescence that they honestly don’t remember what it was like to be that age. All these adult groups, youth groups, and in between groups. Why does the church feel the need to dissect the family as if it can’t be ministered to as a whole? All these groups designed for women to get a break from their kids so they can simply be an adult and have adult conversations are incredibly counterproductive in my opinion. Rather than really focusing on motherhood as a part of who you are and embracing that and LOVING it, I think too many women get wrapped up in trying to preserve who they were before motherhood. And I guess this ties in to the original post because I think a lot of people look at marriage and parenthood as somehow separate from who they are and their service to God when in reality marriage and Parenthood SHOULD change us, our service to God, and our priorities. Just some random thoughts.
Billy Graham is of his generation. Generations following have learned and grown from previous ones.
I certainly wouldn’t advocate for that style of ministry /family life balance, though I’m in awe of much of his life and ministry. We’re all cracked vessels, however great and holy.
I lead a church, I’m 37.
I see my first sermon as my relationship with God, my second as my marriage and my third is my relationship with my kids. If my life preaches, then what a say on stage has some authenticity and merit.
My job is a calling, but so is (could be) everyone else’s.
My first calling is to be a disciple, then a husband, then a dad and then a leader in the church.
I learned a lot from reading Family on a Mission by Mike Breen, about one great leader learning to have a great ministry and a great marriage/family and even combining it all.
Any reading I have done about the majority of famous men of God has shown that they were terrible fathers and bad husbands. Most of them had children who rebelled, often violently. Spurgeon was a notable exception to this rule. It does make one wonder whether there is a better way.
I do not think Samaritan’s Purse is a wonderful ministry at all. See http://emilyjoypoetry.com/7-reasons-not-to-participate-in-operation-christmas-child-this-year for several good reasons why.
I do not see it as an either/or choice – one does not have to choose between their ministry or their family. A little creative thinking would allow for both. Buy an RV, home school the kids, and take the family with you. The kids get to be a part of the ministry and the father gets to be a full-time part of the family.