Have you struggled to actually want sex?
We’re challenging some misconceptions people have about sex this week, and we’re tackling a big one today. What do you do when your husband wants sex all the time, but you just don’t?
We’ve got Jenny, a South African blogger from My Autumn Reflections, here today to share how sometimes the ruts we get in and the conflict that happens can be because of our misconceptions about what sex should look like in our marriage.
Do you know these 5 truths about sex?
Here’s Jenny!
I’ve been married 27 years and there have definitely been times I didn’t feel like being intimate with my husband.
Too tired. Too worn out by life. Just plain didn’t feel like it. I didn’t even need a headache as an excuse – I just wasn’t interested. And he was.
I’m not talking about an oversexed, pornographic-minded male wanting sex every day. I’m talking about a godly man with God-given desires who was trying his best to provide for his family and meet my emotional needs as best he could.
And I said no. Or avoided sex by pretending to be asleep. Or gave him the message by being unresponsive.
Reject a man sexually often enough and he will shut that part of himself down to avoid the rejection. Only problem is, he’s not only shutting down his desire, he’s shutting down his heart too. He’s shutting down his emotional side to protect himself from you.
Ouch!
We stayed up late many a night trying to resolve our conflict about sex. I didn’t see how my rejection was affecting my husband. It wasn’t that I didn’t like sex–I loved it! But on my terms. Only when I was interested. Blinded by my selfishness and lack of compassion, I could only see my own needs. (There were reasons for this – see here for how your past affects your marriage).
Then God used a straight-shooting lady to tell me what a wife’s responsibilities are in marriage – one of them being to provide her husband with good, regular sex. Willingly. Enthusiastically. Because that is how I can bless him and serve him and love him best.
That shook me up and started me on the road to change. Here are five things I realized that changed my thinking about sex:
1. Physical intimacy is a ministry to my husband.
One day as I was praying for God to bless my husband, it struck me – God wants to use me to bless my husband and that means meeting his need for sex. Simple. God has called me to minister to my husband. He is my first priority – before children or anyone else. I must meet his needs before meeting the needs of anyone else.
Sex helps men solve problems and deal with life. By meeting his physical needs I am helping my husband deal with the rest of his life, lessening his stress, and helping him figure out solutions to his problems. Now that’s being a helpmeet!
2. I don’t have to be in the mood beforehand to serve my husband (but it often follows!)
Sometimes saying yes to sex is a choice based on principle, not on feeling. In doing this I learned that it truly is more blessed to give than to receive. I learned to pray, “Lord, I don’t feel like sex, but I’m willing for you to change my feelings. Please give me the right feelings.” God has always answered this prayer and I end up having a good time!
It’s not necessary to be aroused to be an active participant in loving your man. But in that willingness and choosing, arousal usually follows. Choose to stay focused on your husband. Don’t think about your shopping list or what you need to do tomorrow. There is reward in bringing pleasure to someone else. Choose it!
3. Sex is not just physical for a man.
While sex for a man is a lot about physical release that’s not all there is to it for him.
Sex for a man is also emotional. It makes him feel close and connected to his wife. When you say no to sex you are saying that you don’t want to be close to him.
Sometimes the best way to unlock a husband’s emotions is through satisfying his physical need. It helps him to become emotionally open. Want to connect with your husband emotionally? Make love to him.
4. When I reject sex I’m not just saying “No” to sex, I’m saying “No” to the whole person.
Sex is not something you can separate from the man. It is the man. A large part of his identity and self-worth are tied up in his sexuality. Say “No” to sex and you mess with his value as a man. It’s how Dr. Gary & Barbara Rosberg put it in their book, The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women:
When a wife rejects her husband’s request for sex, it’s not that he feels the attempt failed; he feels that he’s a failure…Even when she says no for a valid reason, rejection to a man spells one thing: rejection. And when rejection happens often enough, he will shut down.
As I turned off the light before my husband came to bed and pretended to be asleep, I thought I was just avoiding sex, but in my husband’s mind I was saying no to him – the whole person.
And that hurt. It made him feel unwanted and unloved.
It took a number of years for me to heal that rejection. For a time I did not allow myself to say no to sex. I initiated sex with him. I had to be willing again and again and again. When I felt like it and when I didn’t.
I learned that I can say no, honestly, gently, and that offering an alternative time gives my husband hope of having his need met – “I’m so tired tonight, can we make love in the morning?” Very often that honest conversation leads to lovemaking anyway. It doesn’t take that long and it’s better to go to sleep feeling loved and connected than to have a rift between us.
5. Sex is not just for men, it’s for women too.
God didn’t only have men in mind when He thought up sex. There must be something in it for women too. If God made it, and He’s a loving God, then sex should be something that excites women too.
The devil has made sure that a lot of us see sex as selfish, grabbing, dirty, repulsive. He’s made sure many of us have been abused and sex is something to be endured or avoided. He’s made sure that the media portrays perfect bodies everywhere making us ashamed of our lumps and bumps, and feeling like we can’t be seen naked.
It’s time to claim sex back from the devil. God made it and He wants us to enjoy it. It’s a gift from Him.
Sex is an opportunity to enjoy physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy with your best friend. It’s a time to enjoy some of the most pleasurable sensations known to man (and woman ☺).
Avoiding or refusing sex deprived me of pleasure and connection and emotional fulfilment. Not anymore. Now, I love making love with my husband.
Sex must be good if God created it. Are you missing out? Why? Maybe you need to heal from sexual abuse or change your thinking about sex. Claim it back for yourself.
I wish I could go back and change my story. I can’t. But I can do things differently today. I’m claiming sex back.
I hope you will too.
Do any of these 5 thoughts resonate with your marriage? What’s something you’ve learned that impacted how you think about sex? Let’s talk about it in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Literally have had the same conversation with my wife and together with our counselors. Her answers:
1. GOD should be my first priority, and if that isn’t right, NOTHING else will be. And it should be YOURS too. Then the children, then the church. Once all those are right, we can deal with us.
2. If you want sex when I’m not in the mood, you’re the one being selfish, not me.
3. You should be able to overcome that with prayer. You should learn to focus on GOD instead of yourself.
4. Thats your problem not mine. Learn to deal.
5. I don’t really need it, so thats not relevant. I could live on a island all by myself, and never think about it a single minute.
She continues to hold these views, even after going thru “Intimacy Ignited” and “Cherish” with our counselors. They are flabbergasted, but I’ve been living with it for 26 years so I’m used to it. Right now I’m just struggling to survive, struggling to continue to pursue her despite everything, struggling to keep communication open. Every. single. step. is a battle with her. We’ve “managed” to get it to once a month (occasionally twice), but even that is only after battling and scheduling, and only on her terms.
Even just this week she yelled at me that I call her “Beautiful” too much (like a nickname. Come home from work, “Hello, Beautiful, how was your day?”). Unbelievable.
In the past month I’ve come to realize that while the lack of sex, or even simple affection, hurts, what really hurts is simple fact that she really just does not care one iota about it. Not for me, not for her, not for our marriage, not for anything. And that no matter how much I pursue her, love on her, romance her, do things for her, do things with her, pray with her, serve with her, or anything at all – it won’t change it one bit in any way, shape, or form.
Wow, John. I’m sorry to hear that this has been such a battle for you! I’m sure many men can relate to your predicament. I know my husband felt the same way at times. It sounds like you should implement some boundaries. Have you explored that with your counselor? It may also be that your wife has a bunch of baggage from the past that ‘s making her behave this way. Baggage has a way of cropping up in the bedroom. I will pray for you both and hope that things will improve for you.
John, you are not alone. Many, many Christians wives would make the same points about sex as your wife. My wife and the wives of my Christian married buddies have said the same thing. BTW, I have been married well over 35 years and she still has not changed her views.
Sorry John. I certainly don’t have the level of challenges that you do but I do have.
I can only imagine the pain you are going through.
You mentioned counsellors. Are they in agreement? If not, is she receptive to them?
If the counsellors are fine with her view then find other ones.
Her worldview clearly is from religious teaching. It can change if the right folks and the Spirit’s revelation.
John, Women are tempted differently than men. Men are visual. We are tempted to look at women. We agree that looking at naked women is wrong but the natural man still wants to look.
Women sin in a different way. They get their emotional needs met with girlfriends, activities, and/or social media. Where this isn’t wrong in a balanced manner. I’ll bet your wife does one of four things the last hour before bed: watches TV (The Batchelor, Dancing with the Stars, did kind of show, played on social media, reads romance novels, or played video games. She does this to mask her need for connection with you. It’s similar to you pounding to porn to mask your need for her sexually.
Ask her to give you the last 30 minutes of each day, for a week or month, to lay in bed, cuddle, talk about the day, and touch each other nonsexually. (massage, light tickle, and scratch her back) This will bring a higher level of intimacy to you both physically and emotionally. The sex will follow.
Just as Satan is using porn to tempt men. There is a big weapon used against women too. It is masking their need for emotional connection with constant connections to others besides her husband. I don’t hear anyone talking about this but it is a sin and it’s hurting families just like pornography.
I truly feel for you. I’m fighting a similar battle in my marriage.
Justin, I love that idea of the last 30 minutes of the day! I think I may use that for a post…great thoughts!
Hi Jenny and Sheila,
I just wanted to say, do any other women feel like they can take your article, exchange “husband” and “wife” and have all that apply to the opposite way?? I fit 100% the description, even the quotes, about what sex means to a man. Sigh…is something just wrong with me? I want my hubby to read this article and turn it around for me, I feel that sex affects my sense of being loved, the whole person, being wanted or not. Then, I see those two comments from men at the start and my heart aches and feels frustrated. I know Sheila has talked a bit about women who want sex and have higher needs then men, but every single thing described in this article fits ME not my husband. So confusing.
To the men who posted before me today, I am so sorry for you, how darn lucky your wives are, it MUST be the culture that is twisted, can’t explain it. So sorry for you.
Steph,
I have been reverse engineering Shiela’s stuff since I started coming around here. The history I have witnessed is she writes a lot more to women….mostly that direction..but I have seen more of a balance in recent times which I think she is driving for…maybe??? Regardless…I don’t so much care…I can take her stuff and apply it within me regardless of my sex. Also funny, I didn’t think this article was geared towards men…I thought it was more geared towards women…I was surprised to see the men commenting today and not the women…hmm..interesting anyway …
Best wishes to you.
I agree it was for women. I think my comment is misunderstood. Women aren’t “supposed” to have to turn these thoughts around in an article like today’s. I am getting tired of feeling like an alien exception to the female gender…and am trying to gauge how alone I am or if there are many more who feel frustrated like I do. As a note aside, I am always surprised to see the men rushing to comment, I think it’s great they’re aware but sometimes it feels like working out in a co-ed gym vs. A female only one, and it feels really weird when I feel that I perpetually have more in common with the men then women. I am a really girly girl too so it just doesn’t add up. Sigh.
I see your struggle Steph. I particpate around here. The reason I speak up so much is because this place has helped me so tremendously I just want to give back. In addition, in reality I owe all women an amends. I help guys with sex addiction and That is all well and good. I want to help women and men. I know that can be intimidating. In my addiction meetings we have a mens only meeting for the very similar reasons you mention as well as the obvious reason. But alot of guys take their recovery to opposite land. So they shut the woman completly off. If its off then the addiction cant get them. But that is just so unhealthy on the other spectrum. So I am sorry if you identify “backwards”. But look at me. This place is mostly for women. I identify with this place so much. I cant explain why. But most of it I have to reverse the thought or swap man for woman. Sheila did a peice recently called fight the frump. It was completely for women. I did not share for a whole week around here lol. Thats big for me haha. But I identified with it. See I work out of my home and many days I am in my office I sit in my pajamas dont shave and dont shower until much later in the day. My wife sits next to me when I work in the office most of the time those days. Thats frump lol. So to fight that I get up and get dressed like I am going on a sales call. I can pretty much take a topic and relate to it somehow. I think we could all do that. Anyway Steph. I am just so glad you are sharing all this stuff. I promise you you will benefit from it. Stick around. I promise you you-can change. Also please know I am harmless. I am just here to help. In part I found Jesus here. It is really awesome.
Steph, thank you for you honesty. I am new to this website and it is great to know some woman feel this way! They may not respond as you have, which takes courage, but there are those around, no doubt. I think culture says they should not feel or express this way. I am encouraged that there are woman who feel this way. I appreciate you honesty. Thank you. It helps. Certainly me. Clint
Thanks for that, Clint. Yes, some of us do indeed feel this way! Welcome to TLHV!
Hi Steph,
Have you checked out Hot Hoky & Humorous blog? J Parker talks a lot about higher drive wives (as she has had experience being a higher drive wife), and you are most certainly not alone…anywhere from 15-30% of marriages have a higher drive wife.
LOL! That’s supposed to be ‘Holy’ not ‘Hoky’! Haha!
Hi Steph, nothing in relationships is ever cut and dried. I’m sure there are many other women who feel the same way you do. How frustrating to find yourself in a situation where your needs are not being met. I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix everybody’s thinking! And I wish it never took me so long to learn the lessons I shared. I have been in a situation where my husband wasn’t meeting my needs and I learned then to continue in Christ’s love (John 15:9). That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t communicate our needs to our spouse or get help. I hope things change for you!
Thanks, Jenny!
Steph,
I don’t know your circumstances, but with some husbands a high-drive wife may need to play prude.
When the Pill was first introduced it thought that husbands would reap the reward of abundant sex from the pent up passions of a wife who no longer feared pregnancy. A Harvard professor of obstetrics and gynecology discovered otherwise with some men. From the book America and the Pill:
Hmmm….not for passive men who hate initiating and want a woman to take the lead….only WHEN it works for them. And we women, want and need TO BE WANTED. Playing prude would result in a five or six month desert of celibacy, but thanks Doug.
Ps – I think three or four x a week is perfectly reasonable, once or twice a month initiated by wife is NOT ok.
Steph, just thought I’d throw that out there. Praying your husband gets religion so to speak. Male initiative is something that is not emphasized enough in our day. Wives should be able to say this about their husbands as well as Christ: “We love because he first loved us.”
Hey Doug, I really like that thought!
Hey Steph,
I just wanted to say that I relate to you a lot. I’ve been doing a lot of research on this very issue for a long while. Just from my personal experiences and talking to others, I’ve started to wonder: are men and women really as different and cut and dry as the Church makes them out to be? Could this not be the effects of religious teaching, culture, and pornography? After extensive research from articles, personal stories, studying the Bible, scientific findings, social surveys, etc. I’ve become much more strong in my belief that men and women shouldn’t be separated the way that they are. The idea that men are visual and women are emotional (I have so many female friends that struggle with pornography); the idea that men should always have the higher drive in marriage. I have the higher drive in my marriage and I’m not an alien 🙂 In fact, 25% of women have the higher drive and I truly believe that that number is lower than it could be because of hormonal birth control messing with women’s libidos or just because of religious and cultural upbringing.
Suffice to say, I don’t think you’re weird at all. I’ve felt the way you do so many times when I realized that I’m not the woman that’s often portrayed in the church. I don’t think we are the ones that are wrong, I think the church portrays us wrongly. I also think you are brave to be so open and honest with your thoughts.
I would love to talk to you more about this if you would like! I’m very passionate about it! 😀
He guys – I said a prayer for your marriage. Things are actually well for me. Today my wife and I don’t have so much an issue with our sex lives. But we sure did! I will say this. My wife has not 100% bought into Shiela’s blog. She may never. (which is just fine by me because it is nice to be open but separate) This week I realized that my wife has sexual baggage that she has never addressed. I am a big part of the baggage, but there was a before me. So we still have work to do. When I first started coming around here I read for a while. Then I signed up my wife for Shiela’s weekly email. When she received the first one I wasn’t home and I got a text that said I am sorry you are not satisfied with our marriage. I was like really? I just want to improve it! Here is how the door has been slowly opening. Becca’s book is the first book in 18 years of marriage that she actually finished. She actually said she wants to read it again. I also bought Sheila’s whole Story (puberty lesson) for my wife to go over with my daughter. They actually started this week. So what is happening is that my wife is slowly getting BUY IN. I didn’t plan it this way but I just realized it is happening. Maybe one day she will actually read some of the other books I have given her. You guys seem like you may be a little further along in your marriages but do you see the path? Is there a resource you could find that may be an indirect path to the path you want? Maybe you have tried it all…..I am just throwing ideas that worked for me. I can tell you that if you haven’t tried Jesus with your wife that is a good one too! We are both Christian and both went to church all our lives and all of our marriage. With out giving your specifics of my wife’s personal journey with God and Jesus, I can tell you this; I am the one who talks about Jesus in my house. Today I am the leader in my house. I lead with Jesus. I am the one who is leading with Jesus and my family is following. It is really awesome. Final word. Jesus and sex works my brothers. It really does. Praying for you guys…. PEACE
I don’t want to diminish the pain of spousal rejection here, whether from husband or wife, and my heart goes out to all the folks here who are hurting from it. I also recognize that God made sex and that it is important and special. However, I’d love to see Sheila’s take on sexual idolatry, and sexually idolatry in masculinity.
While ladies get a lot of discouragement: “good girls don’t” crap, I also see a lot of messaging to our guys that sex is the end-all-be-all measuring stick of manhood. I think that this internalized message can be an unnecessary multiplier on marital problems that can otherwise be manageable. Again, not talking to the extreme cases of dry spells spanning decades – but is a spouse always a selfish, sinful jerk every time there is a dry spell for a couple weeks, or months?
This played out for me postpartum. Between physical healing and hormone recalibration, it took a solid two years for my libido to get back to normal. And during this time I felt enormous pressure to “get back in the sack” as quickly as possible (not necessarily all from my husband). I chose to be gracious and not let him go without, but that meant two years of forcing myself when I was not physically capable of enjoying it. Now we are back to a once/twice a week schedule, but I have disassociation problems and it’s very hard to access my emotions because I had to turn them off for so long to “bless my husband”. I am working to make it be intimacy instead of just physical maintenance.
I never felt comfortable being honest with my husband about this because I felt there was no way for me to be frank or candid without absolutely crushing him as a man. I don’t ever want my husband to feel what the guys on here are describing. But how do you strike a balance here? How can you make other displays of affection more meaningful instead of sex being “it”? Is there any way for a man to feel like a man apart from sex?
Sarah, My wife would attest that I was a husband that used to have the mindset you describe. It is selfish and unloving. It is the common mindset of Christian men. Much of it I learned and had reaffirmed through popular teaching in church. I have come to see the mindset as rooted in common misinterpretations, particularly of Genesis 3:16 and the teachings of Paul. It is the husband’s understanding of God’s word on these subjects that will have to be changed as it was in my case. That said, I would recommend you be honest and open with your husband, though don’t expect lasting change. I have read in Sheila’s writings about the damage done to a woman’s female psyche by continuing to have sex when not into it. When his mindset is corrected, it will take significant time for you to mentally unwind.
Hi Sarah, no a spouse is not always selfish for being unable or uninterested in sex but what I have found is that often just talking about how I’m feeling and being understood, awakens my emotions. In the “heat” (or lack of heat) of the moment is not a good time to tackle how you are feeling. Make a time to sit down and talk about the issues.
Yes, it is risky to let your husband know you struggle with sex but it can be done gently. Also, this is not about him and his love for you or his performance, but about you and your body and mind.
Being honest doesn’t always require every gory detail of how we feel, but try to find the balance between that and being true to yourself.
By not saying anything you may be depriving yourself of connection and understanding. And sex problems are not isolated to one person. If one of you has a problem it is a “we” problem, not a “me” problem. You both need to work to solve it.
I don’t know all the details, but I believe that one aspect that you can deal with is your own mindset.
You said that you chose to be “gracious” to your husband, and fulfill his needs when you yourself would probably rather not. I applaud you for this decision, and wish many more women would choose to bless their husbands as such. Two years would be quite a long time for a man to have no sexual relation, and the Bible is against prolonged withholding of sex (1 Cor. 7).
However, from your subsequent words, it seems that you have some resentment about this choice. Perhaps you resent that your husband is having “fun” while you are not. I believe this resentment is (perhaps unconsciously) carried over to today, and therefore your struggle now. I don’t know if this is the only issue, but I think it is one of the issue.
I would encourage you to search your heart, and find the right mindset. Can you take joy in the fact that your husband is sexually fulfilled by you, even though you yourself may not be in the “mood”? By no means am I suggesting that a woman should not enjoy sex, you should strive for that. But I believe clearing this mindset will greatly help towards a full enjoyment of sex.
I am not married yet, but I really value this blog. It has COMPLETELY changed my view on marriage and how I view sex from a Godly perspective. I love the idea of serving my husband and ministering Tonkin as a wife – especially since once I’m married, I am the o my one that gets to so that.
Thank you also to everyone above who shares their struggles – it really helps us out here to try to get an understanding on the way down the aisle.
I’m so glad that the blog is helping you, Anastasia! That’s wonderful.
Thank you so much for posting this. So many marriage resources shy away from holding women accountable for their responsibilities.
This is the greatest post that you have ever made (and that is saying a lot!). I hope all of your viewers read this and take it to heart.
I really enjoy reading your advise. I have been married for over 42 years and have gone through and continue to go through many of the struggles you list. My wife would always go to bed first and be too tired to have sex even before children and when she didn’t work. I would go to bed earlier and earlier to try, but the earlier I would go to bed the earlier that she would go to bed. Talk about sending a message.
Over the years (actually many years ago) I did shut down and quit trying. These days we mostly have sex on her schedule and when she initiates it, which lately is about 3 in the morning on days that she knows I have to get up early for work. I normally will still say yes even though it sometimes is difficult to feel aroused out of a deep sleep. She normally is doing it just to service me which I appreciate but doesn’t want the foreplay/climax that most women would want which isn’t very romantic. I feel bad for her but have run out of idea’s trying to help her.
I wish that I could find a way (without offending her) to get her to read some of your advise for her sake as much as mine. She has been dealing with anxiety and depression issue’s for the last 10 to 15 years and I feel bad for her. I wish that she could look at sex as something fun to do together to make us both feel good and connected. I know that I too have things to work on but it’s difficult to work on things alone.