What marriage goals do you have for this new year?
The big thing I talk about here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum is marriage, and with the new year upon us, it makes sense to look at some ways you can improve your marriage over the next year.
So have you made any marriage goals? I asked on Facebook for marriage goals that people had made this year, and got some great answers!
But remember–if you want to meet those goals, you need to develop new habits that will get you there! And today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I’d list 10 marriage habits that can help you reach some new goals!
As you’re reading this, here’s what I’d suggest: Before you start, think of the big goal or big change you’d like to see in your marriage this year. Have that in your mind first. Then, as you read, what ONE habit resonates the most with you? What ONE habit will get you where you feel God is calling you?
Then start that ONE thing! (Please don’t try to start all 10. Pretty please. Make one small change! It’s much easier to do, and then you’ll see better results.)
Okay, let’s go:
Marriage Habits to Help You Feel Emotionally Closer
1. Start a daily check-in
One of the biggest threats to oneness in marriage is simply drifting apart–or feeling like you don’t know each other anymore. That’s so common, especially if you work separate shifts or if one of you spends a lot of time out of town. Even if you’re just busy with kids, and you’re in the same house at night, you can still feel like you’re drifting.
So start this one great marriage habit: every night, share your high and low–the time during the day when you felt most energized and “in the groove”, and the time when you felt the most drained.
Here’s why this is especially powerful: Introverts can be extra awkward with the question, “what did you do today?” It makes it sound like you have to recount your whole day and talk for hours! But if you simply have to share two moments, it’s easier to do. And you both still feel emotionally connected, because you’ve shared the times when your emotions were strongest.
Here’s a post on this quick marriage habit!
2. Go to bed at the same time
Adults need bedtimes, too! In fact, adults need SLEEP. And with screens, often we stay up far too late. If you go to bed at the same time, though, you’re more likely to feel rested, and you’re more likely to experience real intimacy as you drift off together. That’s your time to chat, to pray, and even to make love!
3. Add some non-screen time to your day
Start a new hobby together. Play some board games as a couple! Find some things to do that don’t involve a screen.
My husband and I have recently decided that every night we’re going to play a board game BEFORE we watch Netflix or bring a screen into our marriage. It challenges the brain. It lets you laugh together. And it lets you talk and create memories. Screen times are passive times when the brain isn’t really engaged. Game times are active times. So that’s when you can create memories!
I have a great post on 2 player board games that I update all the time with new games. Here’s our game cupboard shelf with all our games that work with just two people. So fun!
4. Have a weekly date night
Many women on Facebook wrote about wanting to stress a weekly date night this year! But date night doesn’t have to mean dinner and a movie. It can just mean planning one night a week that’s especially for you. Maybe you put the kids to bed first and then you eat later, and do something together (like that board game). Or maybe you do ballroom dancing online classes in your living room! (That’s one of our favourite romantic things to do!)
One woman on Facebook wrote this:
[Our goal is] weekly date night! Even if they are staying in dates (we have three small children and a puppy haha!)
5. Catch him doing something right
Here’s a different habit that can make all the difference! One woman on Facebook wrote this:
[My goal is] to keep “catching him doing things right!” Looking for opportunities daily to thank him, affirm him, compliment him, both privately and in front of others. And to talk to God daily in deep prayer about areas he needs to grow and change, for at least a month, before I try talking to him about it.
She got that “catch him doing things right” from my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change a Marriage. So often we’re looking and thinking about the things that he’s doing wrong. But when you make it a habit, everyday, to find one thing to call out and compliment that he’s doing right, then you start looking for those things. And when you look for them, you notice them more. It changes your whole outlook! You become more grateful and more loving. And, perhaps ironically, as you do that, it’s actually easier to talk about the things that are problematic in your marriage, because your attitude primarily is not a critical one. It’s a great habit to break the negative cycle!
What is 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage about?
Sometimes the reason our marriages won’t grow is because we’re thinking about the marriage—and the problem—all wrong.
That’s what happened early in my marriage.
And in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I show you 9 thought patterns that can change everything. And it’s not always about becoming nicer. Often it’s just about recognizing what is GOOD.
That may mean learning to confront sin. It may mean learning to own our own issues. But it always means learning to grow together, not apart.
Marriage Habits to Build a Great Sex Life
6. Schedule Sex
Scheduling sex isn’t for everyone. But for many it can work really well. If one of you has a low libido, then scheduling sex tells the person with the higher libido–it’s okay. You’re going to make love this week. That way they don’t have to always be on edge and asking, and the low libido spouse doesn’t always have to worry, and the low libido spouse has the ability to get herself or himself “in the mood” throughout the day!
Also, if you haven’t had sex in a long time, and you’re realizing that you need to start connecting again, it can be very awkward to start. This takes some of the awkwardness factor out. No one has to initiate sex–you know you’re going to. So it’s easier!
One woman wrote this on Facebook:
[My goal is to] have “nookie” 3 times a week. We didn’t have any for over 21 months and just recently decided to fix that.
Yep! This is often the way to do that. And if you want an even bigger prompt–try the 31 Days to Great Sex challenge in January! 🙂
7. Implement the “His” Nights or “Her” Nights Change to Spice Things Up
Want to spice things up in your marriage this year, but don’t know where to start? If your sex life has gotten into a rut, here’s a fun way to be more adventurous! Take the month, and choose one or two Saturdays to be “his” nights and one or two to be “her” nights. Then on those nights you do what she wants or what he wants. It gives you a chance to do things differently, knowing that on all the other nights (which are regular nights), you won’t have to do something new. So you get the fun of being more adventurous without the pressure that it has to be like that all the time!
I’ve got a post on how to make his nights and her nights work.
Marriage Habits to Help You Reach Goals
Are you working on goals in a specific area of your life? Maybe you can bring your marriage into them this year!
8. Create and stick to a budget
Money disagreements are one of the biggest stressors on a marriage. And debt just weighs you down. Could this be the year that you start truly making–and sticking–to a budget? The year that you get a plan to get out of debt? I love Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover. Here’s my suggestion: Get that book, get the Every Dollar app, and start watching some Dave Ramsey videos on YouTube. Together, you can break out of this cycle!
9. Bring Scripture into your life
Maybe you both believe and you’re both Christians, but God just isn’t a part of your daily routine. Want to change that? Several Facebook respondents said they’re prioritizing doing devotions together this year.
So perhaps you can choose this year to memorize verses at dinnertime (I have a list of the best 50 Bible verses to memorize).
One thing Keith and I do is the daily Scripture readings from the Anglican lectionary. We’re not Anglican, but I love their daily prayers and the daily Bible readings, which are always super relevant. Just search your app store for Anglican daily readings! It’s not as long as reading the whole Bible in a year, but it brings Scripture into your day.
10. Fight the frump for your husband
One woman on Facebook said this:
[My goal is] putting my husband first! I think nothing of going around the house with no makeup and sweats but will get made up to go out why?? My husband should be my priority! Also I have started weight loss he would and has never said anything about my weight but he is definitely more interested now that I have lost 15 pounds and 15 to go.
Choosing to look great for your husband (and for yourself!) rather than for every stranger who will see you in the grocery store is a great mind switch to make this new year. Get started by reading my fight the frump series! It’s all about how looking put together doesn’t have to take that much time at all–but can make you feel great!
So there you go–ten ideas for new habits you can start this new year to boost your marriage. Which one will you choose? Or do you have another one for us? Tell me in the comments and let’s cheer each other on!
And by the way–I love getting ideas from all of you for my Top 10 posts when I ask questions on Facebook! If you’re not following the Facebook Page yet, why not start today?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
We spent some time yesterday morning looking at our budget for the year. It’s such an important thing to do, but we can’t do it in the evening – for us, money discussions have to be when we’re not tired.
Finding time in daylight to talk without the kids around is hard, but so worth it! (we don’t count it as a “date” either; it’s not actually fun!)
Good for you for being proactive! I think that’s really important, too–realizing that you have your “good” times of day and your “bad” times of day. Happy New Year, Emily!
Happy New Year to you, too. 🙂
In the interests of complete honesty, I should probably admit that the “no financial discussions after dark” rule was made after a few … less ideal evenings. 🙂
Sheila,
I love #3 – because we both are really techy people. We love our facebook pages, he’s an online gamer in his downtime, I’m a blogger…so we both are on the screen A LOT.
Just yesterday we bought 4 Disney Thomas Kinkade puzzles since we really enjoy doing them. (I have this dream of having a tiny Thomas Kinkade art gallery in my house, and this is an inexpensive way to do it). But we can actually talk while doing this, and the physical closeness of a 500 piece puzzle is pretty awesome too 🙂
But I think #7 – his/her nights will be my new goal for 2018. I’m kind of curious what he will choose on his night. I’m definitely going to suggest this one 🙂 . ~ Johanna
Awesome, Johanna! We really do like our board games, too. 🙂 And our “his” and “hers” nights. But that’s as much as I’m going to say about that. 🙂
My husband and I currently do most of these suggestions, though some of them are a little more sporadic than we would like due to the business of life. Number 9 is something that my husband and I need to work a little bit more on. In the beginning of our relationship we were great at attending church and discussing what we were reading in the Bible and even would pray together. Since baby number 2 and 3 and now me working opposite shift and weekends I’m not attending church with the family like I use to and my husband and I don’t discuss our faith as much as a result.
Life just gets in the way, doesn’t it? That’s why I like the Anglican Lectionary idea. It only takes like less than 5 minutes. It’s not onerous. But it gets you back in Scripture and prayer without a lot of effort. And sometimes we just need something super easy!
Grace and I decided yesterday that we need to put a filter on the way we speak to each other. Often we express ourselves in negative ways that sets off the other person. I personally am the primary contributor to this issue so if I work on myself she will most likey follow.
That’s great, Phil! A super good one. Happy New Year!
I’m with all the ladies who want to make a date night a priority. Our weeks fill up so quickly, and we don’t even have any kids in school or activities yet! I also end up doing housework after the kids go to bed and not spending time with my husband, who also has house projects and church work, etc. For Christmas, I made him a binder of date nights for the coming year because I wanted to intentionally set aside time to spend with him every week.
That’s wonderful! I love the binder idea!
#1 and #9 resonated with me! And I guess they kind of go hand in hand, too: as we grow closer to God, we’ll grow closer to each other. I really liked the idea of a daily Bible reading app that will remind us to stay on track with it (I can be a bit absentminded at times 🙂 ).
This list is literally identical to the list our counselors (who we have been going to for over a year) tried to give us months ago, in an effort to increase our feelings of connectedness. This is after her main complaint that we are disconnected, drifting apart and don’t connect anymore. Her responses:
1. Apparently we already spend “too much time together”. I’m not sure how, since on weekdays she sleeps 10 hours, I work 9 hours, and then through in daily routines, we are only in the same location 3-4 hours. Sunday she is committed to multiple church things, so we are only together in the afternoon for a couple of hours – her “down time”. Saturday is full of chores, but we are typically together maybe 8 hours. Not sure how its such a burden.
2. We do go to sleep at the same time – but “thats for sleeping.” so no touching, talking, or heaven forbid, spontaneous sex.
3. She “needs her down time” every night. Which apparently is watching TV, tablet, or phone. for at least an hour.
4. See #1: “we already spend too much time together”. And throw in “It costs too much time and money”. I recently subscribed to a date box: shot down without a second glance. It was christmas themed, too. Ho ho ho.
5. Yeah, right. Can’t let me get “too big a head”. Or, “Shouldn’t have to thank you for regular things.”
6. Schedule Sex – but not more than once a month. And only on the weekends. And only if nothing is else going on. And only if its the same-old, same-old.
7. See previous. No chance.
8. Budget? Only if its what she wants.
9. Scripture? This is actually the one that hurts the most. I suggest that we start praying every other night together, or at least several times a week. “I already pray enough on my own”. Ok, how about a devotional? “I have my own”. Ok, how about something thats just once a week? “Nah.”
10. “Don’t tell me what to do!”
I think this all boils down to our sexless marriage. If any of these are done, or anything at all that brings closeness, or connection, or togetherness, or spirtualness, then that means there is a possibility that our sex life would improve. Which she most emphatically does not want. In other words, if I do everything I am supposed to do, if we do everything our counselors say, things that generate closeness, connections (physical, spiritual, emotional), then the conclusion is that our sex life should improve – and she definitely does not want that.
John, I’m so sorry, and I think your last paragraph is very insightful: “I think this all boils down to our sexless marriage. If any of these are done, or anything at all that brings closeness, or connection, or togetherness, or spirtualness, then that means there is a possibility that our sex life would improve. Which she most emphatically does not want. In other words, if I do everything I am supposed to do, if we do everything our counselors say, things that generate closeness, connections (physical, spiritual, emotional), then the conclusion is that our sex life should improve – and she definitely does not want that.”
I’m curious–what do your counsellors say about your sexless marriage? Do they not make it an issue with her?
In cases like this, I think counsellors can make a mistake by doing couple’s counselling. When one person is doing all the changing, and the other isn’t, the problem really isn’t communication or habits anymore. The problem is one person’s unwillingness to change. And couple’s counselling can make it seem as if the problem in the marriage is on both sides.
That’s why for cases like this I suggest more individual counselling. You, for figuring out what to do in the future and how to adjust to living like this and how to draw more boundaries, and her for dealing with whatever blocks she has and recognizing where she is going wrong.
The couple’s counselling framework isn’t always appropriate. (I’m saying this as someone who has read so many of John’s comments and emails, not just going from just this one!). If your counsellor, or counsellors, doesn’t agree, then I would ask them point blank how they handle a relationship crisis when it is one person causing it? Do they ever call a person out? Because if they don’t, then the counselling is unlikely to work (as it certainly hasn’t yet).
Thanks for the reply. Its nice to know at least someone cares.
Yes, our counselors have confronted her on this. They are dumbfounded, to be honest. They’ve talked to her in group sessions and individually, so far as we know there is no abuse, physical, or hormonal issues. We went thru “intimacy ignited”, with little effect, for most of the year. It all boils down to the fact, as she says, “Thats just not how I am or how I feel about it”. So, for right now, they are trying to have us concentrate on communication, the relationship, spending time together, etc, with the =hope= that this will spur her feelings for me. As you can see, not too successful so far.
And it is very hurtful to be the only one “all in”. I’m working very very hard on my issues and problems, trying to communicate daily in a deep way, lots of non-sexual touch, making sure her needs are met. She is very acts of service/affirmation love language, so I work hard to meet those. I’m very physical touch love language and get little to none of that, outside of a kiss hello/goodbye/goodnight. It feels very one sided.
I’ll give some examples:
1) I just spent 4 months working on a 365-day jar, a jar filled with 365 hand written notes of love and encouragement covering: why I love you, memories of us, verses, quotes/lyrics on love, and notes from friends. I wrote 320+ notes, and kajoled friends/family (not easy during holidays) to do the rest. Gave it to her on Christmas eve – not only did I not even get a thank you, I didn’t even get a simple acknowledgement like “Thats nice”, “interesting”, or even “whats this?”
2) It was our 25th anniverary this year, and we did a renewal ceremony (was hoping it would kickstart something, but oh well). for 25 days before, I wrote 25 love letters, each one a different reason why I loved her, and how that attribute affected me, family, and friends. I didn’t even get a thank you until 3 weeks after the anniversary, and it was, “Oh, btw, thanks for those notes.”
So, I am working hard but seeing little from her side. She admits its very hard for h er, but at least show something? We managed sex 12 times this year, but the last 5 were the last 2 months, and those were only with huge fights about the previous 10 months of only 7 times. And it was done relunctantly.
So yes its been a long uphill battle, and I’ve maybe made a few inches of progress. I feel very lonely in all of it. And maybe you are right, its time for me to approach our counselors about more accountability for her, and also for something for me to somehow learn to cope better (its not easy), or at least somehow face that “This is as good as it gets?” I don’t know. At this point I’m even trying essential oils for mood-lifting, and in the next month or 2 I might approach my DR about possible depression (sometimes I really hit bottom late at night).
But thanks for the advice.
Well, John, you are not alone. I’m happy to know that I’m not alone too. I could relate to the most of your mentioned issues. And it’s a lot easier to know that I’m not the only one man reading this blog:) Sometimes women do not want to change their status quo too. And it’s a lot harder for men to initiate those changes. We men are straightforward. It’s hard to find the way for changes when the other side thinks that everything is quite OK. Or she does not want to do anything. Am I right John? I hope you will find a solution.
Oh WOW John! My heart aches for you! It sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond to resolve marriage issues and really put your all into it. I know that Sheila has said in previous posts that getting the elders of your church involved and discussing a temporary separation (not a divorce) can be beneficial to some couples. Without knowing anymore details than this one thread, I think that’d be something to at least mention to your counselor (I assume you’re going to a Christian counselor?). It sounds like she totally takes you for granted and a) doesn’t realize or want to acknowledge all the effort you’re putting in and b) has some serious mental/spiritual blocks in her life that are inhibiting her from healing and reuniting with you in your marriage. Sounds like it’s time to come together with all those in your lives who impact your lives spiritually (Bible study friends, church friends, church leaders & elders, other friends and relatives) and really start doing some serious praying cuz the devil is throwing some pretty fiery darts into your marriage and has been for a long time! There’s some serious spiritual warfare going on there! Maybe even have an intervention of sorts with her (again, things to talk to your counselor about. Not me or anyone here, as we don’t know all the details). She may say she’s doing a daily devotional, but those words and Scripture she reads may be falling on deaf ears. I really pray you two are able to find some common ground and that you’re finally able to feel sincerely loved and respected by her.
Nice article,
I like number 3 a lot, we use to play board games and do different fun activities that we have lost on time I will do my best to recover that kind of activities.
All the best!
i like that part of scheduling sex, we are gonna work on that. thank you maam for sharing