Is it normal to feel nervous about sex or nervous about your wedding night?
This week on To Love, Honor and Vacuum we’ve been tackling questions that single people send me. And one young woman is wondering if it’s okay that the idea of sex makes her nervous:
Is it normal for young Christian women (or men) who are committed to saving sex for marriage to feel nervous about having it one day? I think because sex is so little talked about in young adult, single Christian circles, it’s easy to think that “maybe something is wrong with me because this can seem scary or just plain unknown.” There are so many concerns at once… not knowing completely how it works or what you’re supposed to do, being so vulnerable with someone for the first time, feeling like your body has to look a certain way, not knowing exactly what his body looks like, and the pressure to do well at something you’ve never, ever done before. I don’t know if something is wrong with me that I have these thoughts and concerns, or if others have them, too.
That’s a great question, and I want to try to tackle it today!
She lists in this email several things that she’s nervous about, and I want to go over them and then tackle what I do think people should know!
- not knowing how sex works
- not knowing what you’re supposed to do
- not knowing what his body looks like
- being vulnerable with someone for the first time
- feeling self-conscious about your body
- feeling pressure to do something new
It’s natural to be nervous about something we’ve never experienced. But that nervousness should stem from excitement about it being the first time and about doing something totally new; it should not stem from a lack of information.
What I see too often is that women are nervous because when they try to picture it, they honestly have no idea what to expect! Early on when I was writing this blog I had an email chain going with a woman who, after three months, had not been able to consummate her marriage yet. She didn’t even know how to explain to me what was happening. After several emails, it finally turned out that her husband wasn’t having an erection. She didn’t know the penis was supposed to get hard, and I guess he didn’t know what he was supposed to do with it, so they were both in the dark. They knew something wasn’t working, but they didn’t know WHAT wasn’t working.
That’s simply not okay.
Some of this letter writer’s issues sound pretty natural, but some I’m actually concerned about. And I don’t want her to end up like this poor couple! So let’s divide her fears into three board categories and tackle them: being ignorant of what sex is; feeling vulnerable and exposed; and feeling pressure to perform.
Being nervous about sex because you feel vulnerable and exposed
Likely this one will go away on its own once you meet the person you’ll marry and once you fall in love. Before I met Keith, it was hard to picture ever being naked with someone else. But once we got close, that fear honestly dissipated. But I couldn’t picture it dissipating UNTIL I met Keith. It’s one of those things you just can’t feel until you experience it yourself. But it is real.
And serious red flag: If you’re about to marry someone, and you’re still scared about them seeing you naked on your wedding night, then there’s likely a problem. Either you have some insecurities that need to be dealt with, or he has been critical about you and has made you feel like you’re not good enough. So I’d deal with that first! Do not marry someone who makes you feel ugly or belittles how you look.
Being nervous about having sex because you feel pressure to perform
We grow up with the idea, “you need to say no to any boy who wants you to something you don’t want to do!” We learn about how to be “gatekeepers”. We’re primed to say no, to ward off men, to hold ourselves back.
But when you’re married, all of a sudden you’re not really supposed to say no anymore (obviously we can when we don’t want to make love that minute, but I hope we’re still making love frequently!), but especially on the wedding night, you’re not really supposed to push him away.
That’s a huge mind shift. And that can be a lot of pressure.
I know I felt it. I remember a month before my wedding, reading a book about sex once you’re married, and getting this cold feeling come over me. I had grown up feeling like I had control over my body, and now I was going to HAVE to do something.
Now, this was actually something I wanted to do. But that switch that said that I no longer had control over my body (obviously we still have some choice; just that it was expected that I would have sex) felt a little like coercion. I did get over it, and a lot of it was due to from hurt in my past. But I remember how that felt.
What I wish I had done, in retrospect, was focus on what sex was really for. I think I was looking so much at the physical side of it that I missed out on the emotional and spiritual elements that go into real intimacy. If I had focused on real love, and if I had focused on how much I loved Keith, a lot of those problems would have dissipated. Instead, I just focused on the pure mechanics of it, that I was going to have to “let someone do that to me”, and it felt threatening.
So I would say–I understand this fear. I do. But I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex to tell young women (and even veteran wives!) what God designed sex for. It’s the book I wish I had been given before I got married, because then I wouldn’t have felt so coerced. Read that, because it will help you see God’s intention for real intimacy, and the beauty of real intimacy, and it will help you stop feeling such pressure.
Feeling nervous about sex because you’re ignorant about what sex is and how it works
This is the big one I want to tackle!
I do believe that God wants us to wait for marriage to have sex, for very good reasons.
However, just because you’re supposed to wait for marriage to have sex does not mean that you should remain ignorant about sex. Sex takes place with your body; if you’re not aware of how your body works, or how sex works, then you’re missing some vital information everyone should have, even single people. I know sex is awkward for parents to talk about (that’s why my daughters and I created The Whole Story course to help moms talk to their daughters about sex and puberty!), but we simply must do this well. There’s nothing wrong or sinful about understanding anatomy and how it works.
So let’s go through what I think you should know before you get married:
The Female Reproductive System
We have three main parts of our reproductive system–the ovaries, where the eggs are produced; the fallopian tubes, where the eggs travel every month; and the uterus, where the egg stays waiting to be fertilized. The uterus lines with blood and other materials every month to get ready for a baby. If the egg isn’t fertilized, then all is flushed out.
That time when the ovaries release the egg is called ovulation. It tends to happen 11-14 days from the start of your last period. The egg is only viable for a few days after ovulation, and sperm are only viable for a few days, so you only have about 5 days, on average, when you can actually get pregnant each month.
Here’s a good site to familiarize yourself with the female reproductive system.
We covered all of this in The Whole Story, our course for girls! It’s important that girls understand when they get their periods what exactly the period is for.
The Male Reproductive System
Men have two visible parts of their reproductive system: the penis and the testicles. Inside the testicles is where the sperm is produced and stored. The penis is the part of the body that is involved in intercourse, and that brings the most sexual pleasure when touched.
Here’s a good site to familiarize yourself with the male reproductive system and male anatomy.
We did cover this in The Whole Story as well, and in the older version for girls 13-15 we also explained what erections were and what their male friends were going through during puberty.
How Reproduction Actually Works
Intercourse is the act that gets the sperm to the egg. The male penis gets bigger and gets erect (it sort of sticks out, pointing slightly upwards) so as to allow him to move inside the woman’s vagina. The penis has to be hard or else he wouldn’t be able to enter her. He can do this in a variety of positions, but the one people generally start with, which is the easiest and often the most intimate, is when he’s on top of her and they’re face to face. After moving around for a bit (or thrusting), he’ll get very excited and release semen, a white, slightly sticky substance containing millions of sperm, that will then start “swimming” upwards, towards the uterus and the egg (if you’re fertile at that moment).
That moment when he “ejaculates”, or fires off the sperm, is also called a male orgasm, and it’s the height of sexual pleasure.
The Female Sexual Response Cycle
Just as men have sexual pleasure and release, so do women.
Women have different areas of their bodies that can be highly arousing when touched (that’s called an errogenous zone). The place on a woman’s body that feels the best is the clitoris, a little knob of flesh in front of the vagina, towards the front of your body. It has the most concentrated nerve endings in your body. There are other areas which are exciting when touched, and when you get married, you can figure out what those are (they aren’t necessarily the same for every woman).
When we get excited, we produce lubrication in our vagina and in our vulva (the outer part of our genitals, or the bigger folds in front of the vagina). This makes us feel slippery, or wet, and the purpose is to help the man be able to thrust into the vagina easily and without causing any pain.
We also are able to achieve orgasm. I’ve written more about orgasm here, but basically it’s the height of sexual pleasure, and once you’ve orgasmed you’ll feel a sense of release, euphoria, and satisfaction. Orgasm is also involved in reproduction, by the way. When we do orgasm, our hips tend to raise, allowing him easier access and the ability to go deeper, which also allows the sperm to be closer to its intended target when they are released.
We didn’t cover the female sexual response cycle in The Whole Story, although we hope to add a module for girls aged 16-18 next year where we will talk about all of this.
You don’t need to have experienced any of this before you marry. But it is important to know that women can orgasm; what an erection is and what happens during sex; how reproduction happens; and what sex will be like.
I’ve written before about things to know on your wedding night, and about what I’d want my daughter to know before she walks down the aisle. But I do think it’s vital that every woman, even every single woman, knows about her body and knows what sexual response is and how reproduction happens. I think we keep this information from people because we’re afraid that if they understand about orgasm they may experiment. But when we keep information, they also don’t understand what their body is doing. If they start to get aroused, they may not even understand what that is. And it makes preparing for marriage much more stressful.
So I hope that helps! And if anyone has anything else they want to add about what to tell a woman nervous about sex, please add it in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I honestly think some fear of sex is understandable. It’s a new experience. I remember getting nervous before my wedding night with my wife, but when we got to the hotel room, that nervousness went away.
We also both have Aspergers, we might not be as normative.
I remember being really nervous about sex, like Nick said, not for lack of information, but because it was a new experience and unlike any other I’d had before. I was so thankful I mentioned this to my now-husband a couple of weeks BEFORE the wedding… he was honestly kind of astounded by the idea that I would be nervous about it, but he was very understanding and patient on our wedding night.
I also remember worrying that I wouldn’t like sex very much (it just seemed peculiar to me, I guess), which seems kind of silly, but I have struggled ever since we’ve been married with a low libido so my concerns were not completely unfounded 😛 Makes me very thankful for the resources here on Sheila’s blog and elsewhere! And my very patient husband 🙂
I’m glad I could help, H! And I do understand about being nervous just because it’s new. That’s how I felt, too. I just worry that she was saying in her email that she actually didn’t understand what was going to happen, and I’ve had other girls in their early 20s say similar things to me. Being nervous is fine; I just don’t want anyone ignorant! 🙂
You say above, “When we get excited, we produce lubrication in our vagina and in our vulva (the outer part of our genitals, or the bigger folds in front of the vagina). This makes us feel slippery, or wet, and the purpose is to help the man be able to thrust into the vagina easily and without causing any pain.”
Can I add to this that during your cycle, you produce less or more lubrication depending on where you are? Needing to use/Using an additional lubricant like coconut oil is OK and will usually make it more pleasant for both of you, especially during those times.
Yes! It doesn’t matter how in the mood you are, you can still be super dry. Also, remember to use a lubricant that won’t interfere with condoms because some can damage them.
Yes! When we were newly married we always had the lube nearby just in case we needed it. Many times we did really well with foreplay, so it wasn’t an issue, but a few times we needed just a little boost so it was available. Now that I’m pregnant I seem to stay very dry even when I’m aroused so we use it frequently. Hormones are weird!
I’m glad you touched on the difference when your husband-to-be is known versus unknown. Sex sounded so weird to me before I met my husband, but I felt very safe thinking about it once I knew him. Then I was mostly nervous-excited. But we didn’t go into marriage thinking our wedding night was going to be mind-blowing; we went in with a sense of playful exploration: “What happens when I do this?”
By definition, intimacy is vulnerable, so I understand being nervous about being fully seen and fully known, but if you marry a man of good character, intimacy (in and out of the bedroom) can be one of the most exciting adventures out there.
What about fear of pain? To be perfectly honest I have struggled with how many people say sex hurts for the first time or other times. This has made me question God and really struggle in my relationship with him because why do women have to deal with that while men do not have to deal with any pain, are often less nervous about sex because they have probably been thinking about it/excited about it for years and they can contemplate it outside of a relationship unlike a lot of women can as you stated. So what does someone do about that? I know that there are things that can be done to lessen the likelihood of pain, and it shouldn’t be that bad unless something is medically wrong, but still. It is just hard for me to get past the fact that women have to associate pain with a lot of things (sex, childbirth, menopause) while men seem to get off free. And it is seen as such a normal thing. People do not consider childbirth to be amazing, it is just expected and men offer no sympathy or respect for their wives having to go through that. People talk about pain with sex like it is expected and no big deal. How could any man want to do that to his wife? And the worst is when people like pastors try to say that the breaking of the hymen and bleeding is somehow biblical in the sense that it symbolizes a blood sacrifice or covenant. How could that be when Adam and Eve were not supposed to bleed or be in pain. And why would there need to be a blood covenant before there was sin? Why do pastors preach that in a perfect world a woman would bleed on her wedding night? It just makes me feel that women are lower than men and God does not care about them as much if he created these things that, with or without sin, hurt women but not men. I don’t know if I am explaining this well, but this has been a huge roadblock with me and God for a while now and I just do not know how to get past it. It makes me want to hang my head in shame and feel embarrassed around men. I just struggle to see beauty in sex because so much of it seems to put women at a disadvantage and cause pain, emotionally or physically. And the worst part is men don’t have to feel bad about it because it is the way God made it or just the cost of sin, so it isn’t seen as a bad thing to be in pain, to bleed on your wedding night, or to be in intense pain giving birth. Please help.
Jessica, I can’t necessarily answer the more theological/philosophical aspects to your question, because, to be honest, I’ve struggled with them too. But as far as the pragmatic aspects…well, you’re talking to a girl (used to be a girl, anyway!) who most definitely did not have a nice, smooth, painless loss of virginity. At all. I must’ve had a hymen that could have rescued victims jumping from a burning building. And the first several times I had sex, it hurt and it sucked. But that doesn’t last forever (promise!) and with some patience and empathy on the part of your partner, it becomes nothing more than a memory fairly quickly. Of course, there’s more work to do after that in learning about your body and what feels good to you sexually, as well as what works to let you experience orgasm. But all of that is definitely accessible to two people who are committed to each other’s best. So choose wisely.
Jessica, the things you mention are commonly thought to be a form of punishment on women, yet that does not mesh with Scripture. If you read Genesis 3 you will see the LORD prefaces his words to both the serpent and Adam with the words “because you…” perhaps implying responsibility. His words to Eve lack this preface. Nevertheless, the LORD as great Physician looking out for our long term interests applies remedies to help us along. We have a hard time seeing the wisdom, yet if we looked into each and every thing we’d see gain with the pain. I would have to search for the sources, but I’ve read women’s studies that show women who experience pain in childbirth generally relate to their children in a more positive way than women who experience pain-free childbirth. Other studies have shown the pain women endure in relation to childbirth generally has a positive effect on the husband in heightening his sympathies and concern for his wife. We are told through St. Paul, “women shall be preserved through the bearing of children.” Trust that God is Good and knows what he is doing in these matters.
Doug- thanks for this! It’s weird to a lot of people, but welcoming the pain in birth makes it a lot less painful. It’s vulnerable – yes but the whole process is -on purpose – a bonding experience. With the baby, and potentially your husband if he involves himself. Same with sex. But no worries – painful sex isn’t nearly as intense as childbirth ! 😂 in both cases, the key is to let go and embrace vulnerability
Doug, do you happen to have citations for either of those studies you mentioned? Thanks.
Bethany, No specifics. If I remember I got much from Mom: The Transformation of Motherhood in Modern America by Rebecca Jo Plant, particularly Chapter 4: Banishing the Suffering Mother: The Quest for Painless Childbirth. The Religiosity of Women in the Modern West by Tony Walter and Grace Davie was another source. The Guardian also published an article on the subject: It’s good for women to suffer the pain of a natural birth, says medical chief.
Thanks for that, Doug.
Another study found that alleviating pain during labor drastically reduced the occurance of post partum depression. (Google epidurals reduce post partum depression to find study). I totally support women having choices in birthing, but having pain in child birth is not always a good thing so please don’t glorify it. I got an epidural and I have a very strong positive bond with my child. =) Strangely enough, somehow men manage to bond with their children too without ever going through labor. ;-P All I’m saying is, go mama’s that want natural births and go mama’s that want epidurals! You’re all fantastic!
Thank you for saying that, Lynn. Other parts of the curse are things that we resist and seek to alleviate in this life: man strives to modernize and ease his workload, for instance. Let’s not glorify pain in childbirth or put down those women who seek pain relief. (And I’ve had two natural births, just for the record.)
Jessica Hill – Your comment makes me sad. I feel for you from having absorbed negative messages about sex. First off I want to tear down whatever you heard preached about the hymen being a test of virginity or a good thing to bleed on your wedding night. I’ve never heard that preached personally, and there’s no biblical backing. So if you can just forget that one! I’m going to answer a few of your questions based on my experience:
(PAIN)why do women have to deal with that while men do not have to deal with any pain, are often less nervous about sex because they have probably been thinking about it/excited about it for years and they can contemplate it outside of a relationship unlike a lot of women –
For starters – I’ll say that for me, sex did hurt the first month or so, and then was uncomfortable for a few years after that, Primarily because I didn’t know how to get my mind in the game, and mostly focused on how I looked or sounded during sex. Also I bled a bit the first night. But it wasn’t like my DH was just going at it, with no concern for how I felt. He didnt’ even go all the way in, or finish in me for a while! A loving husband will take it at your pace. It won’t take him much to get there the first few times, especially if he’s a virgin, and there are plenty of fun things you can do that isn’t intercourse.
People do not consider childbirth to be amazing, it is just expected and men offer no sympathy or respect for their wives having to go through that. People talk about pain with sex like it is expected and no big deal. How could any man want to do that to his wife? –
I for one, do think childbirth is amazing!!!! I’ve had four natural births, and actually, learning to embrace the sensations of birth, is one of the primary things I credit for learning to enjoy sex uninhibited! My husband and many others ARE very sympathetic to the pain I have during birth.
A note about the curse – I will just say, there are MANY things that men suffer because of our fallen world. The Lord cursed the ground for the man’s sake, and men (in my view) have the greater responsibility of providing for their family – hard work in a sin cursed world! That said, they can also find pleasure and fulfillment in working. Women can find fulfillment and pleasure in childbearing, even in this fallen world! (I’m not saying those are the only purpose of either man or woman – not at all!)
One last note: During the years where I was not enjoying sex, just giving it for him – he actually was suffering as much as I was. He wouldn’t verbalize it as emotional pain, but sex that is one sided actually leaves a man feeling empty and unfulfilled.
Continue to wrestle through your questions, with much prayer for a heart that absorbs only truth. God absolutely loves you, as a woman! And sex can and should be super awesome for both of you!
ByGrace, your comment is beautiful! And I also think childbirth is amazing! I for one have never understood the line of thinking that God somehow likes women less because we have to endure so much pain through periods, pregnancy and childbirth. It is just something I have always accepted as part of being a woman. And let me just say, I am so blessed to have been born a woman! Not because I think being a woman is better than being a man, but because I believe there are many unique blessings that come with being a woman. Strictly speaking about childbearing, when I carried my children in my womb I was keenly aware of the fact that what I was experiencing was miraculous. I think people often forget just how miraculous the whole process is because it is so common, but I wish they wouldn’t forget! How cool is it that we as women have the opportunity to grow another little life inside of us. To have another little eternal soul so close to our own. We are a part of God’s miracle of creation. So are men, but women have the unique opportunity to experience that miracle within our own bodies from conception to birth. I for one can overlook the pain very easily when it is for such a beautiful and noble cause.
Jessica,
I think you need to dig deep and pull the darts that have lodged in your soul.
Human experience is full of pain. If you fear it, it will only be more pain.
When I was pregnant I took a class where we learned to lean into the pain. Pain in childbirth is a signal to move, push, vocalize… It has a purpose! Understanding the purpose allowed me to deal with the birth without drugs, which is something I desperately wanted to do. It’s not part of the curse. The curse is that we fear the process. The process is not the curse.
As far as pain of intercourse the first time. The entire reproductive system is made of nerves and muscles. I work out regularly and my muscles HURT when I’m done. It’s the way the body works. It is not part of the curse! It hurts the first few times because muscles that have never had to work now have to work. Eventually they get their job figured out. It really helps to understand how it works. I had pain for the first year because I didn’t understand just how the response worked so u was “wet” enough for penetration but not enough to end up with friction. Unfortunately I grew up in a very legalistic environment so it didn’t occur to me it shouldn’t hurt. My doctor tried to help, but I couldn’t communicate what was wrong because I just didn’t know.
Education is very very important!
I’m sorry you have been given a very sad view of our Father and his daughters. It’s not at all what he intended.
Jessica I would like to help calm your fears about pain as well with my own experiences. When I first got married, my husband and I were both virgins and so sex was totally new to us. We took our time exploring each others’ bodies and just enjoying each other. When he became hard we tried to continue, but were unable to do so because I was very nervous- meaning he couldn’t even get inside of me. It just wasn’t happening! He was very understanding and we continued this pattern until we were successful (I believe) 3 days after we got married. When the moment did occur, we had spent so much time on foreplay and enjoying each other that lubrication was not an issue and neither was pain. Also, my hymen did not “break” as many people expect. In fact, it’s not supposed to. It’s supposed to be able to stretch around the penis and stay intact. If there is bleeding, things happened too fast. My hubby was so understanding and actually stopped moving when he was inside until I was comfortable. Don’t expect pain, it’s not our burden to bear as women. If you have an exceptional partner it is not normal.
Also, childbirth brings “pain” but it’s a good, intense pain that has purpose. I would suggest reading books such as Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth to understand the pain of childbirth. We as a Western society have a twisted understanding of childbirth. Many Eastern countries have a very different view of childbirth. They expect the intensity, but don’t expect to need medication to “survive” childbirth. It’s seen as a natural experience.
Hi Jessica. With regard to your child birth comments. I know you tried to balance your comments but I just thought this was relevant. Your comment: People do not consider childbirth to be amazing, it is just expected and men offer no sympathy or respect for their wives having to go through that. A little while ago I made a comment here that got me in a little quandary. I said bunny’s are stupid pets. Really what I meant was society was not so intelligent to domesticate the rabbit because often you see rabbits in a cage 100 ft from the home and no one bothers much with it. That is the stupid part. But they did so originally in the UK for food as I understand. So your statement that people don’t consider child birth amazing and men don’t care”is maybe? You are dissatisfied how society has made baby birth a manufactured process. The doctors want to schedule by inducing and oh by the way MANY women want pain meds which has proven to effect the baby and how they attach to the mother and her breast after birth and so on. I get it hurts but women have been having babies for many years before drugs appeared. I too agree that there is purpose to the pain. I am sure glad I didn’t have to do that. Somehow though my wife never complained on the first 2 children. I caught my last 2 children at home and I can tell you that it was God’s plan and it was beautiful. On number 3 he cork screwed and she definitely was in immense pain. Number 3 child is also most challenging for us. So you go figure it out. I can say this. I empathize but apart from my wifes immense pain on child number 3 at the end she some how explains it as of course I felt it but I just didn’t feel it. Maybe my Gracie has high tolerance for pain. After all she puts up with me. I do think we all have our cross to carry whether it be Man or Woman. Maybe you should think of it this way. Your pain will make you strong. Look at all the strong women here on Sheila’s blog. How do you think they got that way? Nothing more attractive than a strong woman. Anyway…thanks for reading. Praying for you. I promise you I won’t harm you. I am a man here to help man and woman 🙂
Oh Jessica, I’m sure you’ve gotten way more information than you’ve bargained for! In the perspective of your whole life, the amount of pain that you may have in the beginnings of sex or childbirth are going to seem like a miniscule fraction compared to the rest of it. Really. And don’t let some male preacher over-spiritualize meanings to your experiences which may or may not be there. Relax, and enjoy the adventure. Once you’ve been through labor and childbirth, you should forever afterwards see yourself as the fire-breathing warrior that you are! If you can do THAT, you can do anything!
You can also have pain relief during childbirth. Your children, contrary to popular belief on this thread, will be fine, you will love them very much, and you don’t have to suffer this particular pain just because people think you should.
Bethany, I was thinking the same exact thing. I have given birth twice and had epidurals both times. With my first, the epidural actually wore off well before it was time to push and I felt it ALL. With my second the epidural was still pretty potent when it came time to push and while I didn’t feel the urge to push like with my first, I still managed to push my 9 lb 9 oz baby boy in 20 minutes. No interventions. Both my kids had great Apgar scores as well. Both my children latched beautifully when I nursed right after their birth. My son was actually a champion breastfeeder and wouldn’t stop nursing while in the hospital, and could drain both my breasts in 10 minutes after my milk came in. And despite the research that’s apparently floating around out there saying women who don’t experience pain in labor don’t bond or relate as well with their children, I formed a strong bond with both my children immediately and they loved being with their mommy too. So 2 epidurals, one birth with pain, the other very little pain, and somehow my children still love their mommy, and I actually love being a stay at home mom and spending every moment of my days with them. No breaks or babysitters required. So apparently my epidurals didn’t screw up the mother child bond like it was supposed to?
And I am not saying a woman should get an epidural. I’m saying she should do her own research, throw out the ridiculous “studies” that say an epidural will screw up the bond that she and her baby will have, and make her own decision while keeping an open mind that her birth experience may not go as she planned and that she may change her mind about things. I know a lot of women make strict birth plans and then end up needing interventions that they didn’t prepare themselves for. I think THAT has a much more negative effect on a woman than an epidural does. My birth plan was get my babies out safely by whatever means necessary. I think educating myself very well before the birth and then accepting the fact that when labor came I was going to have to just go with the flow helped me to have 2 extremely positive birth experiences.
Yes, and let’s not forget the women who have to have C-sections! I know several women who had these elaborate plans, and then were just so disappointed and felt like failures. You get to have a BABY! Let’s just focus on that.
Amen, Sheila! Amen! Amen! Amen!
Yes! And adoptive parents too!
Also this reminds me of what my wise friend and mother of 7 said before I had my last baby: focusing so much attention on birth being a certain way rather than focusing on the main goal of having a baby is like obsessing over your wedding but not thinking about the marriage ahead.
So true, Bethany! When I think back on magical moments in my life, the birth of my girls is not actually there. But there was this one time when Rebecca was about 4 months old, and she was lying on the floor on a towel playing, and I was lying beside her, and she looked intently into my face and started a “conversation”. She’d babble, and pause, and wait for me to talk, and when I was done, she’d babble some more. Staring right at me. It was magical. Yes, seeing her for the first time was, too, but somehow that one little moment is the one that I would go back to in a heartbeat.
Many men do care about whether their wives are in pain. Many men do not. It is definitely something to consider when you are dating. And I would steer clear of any man who agrees with what you hear from pastors. I’ve never heard those things in my life and I’ve been in church for 45 years.
I’ve had five children, all without pain medication. It was amazing. It’s the most alive I’ve ever felt. And the endorphin high afterwards is amazing. Having my babies at home was definitely the most challenging thing I’ve ever done but I wouldn’t change a thing. And my husband was my rock. He was truly there for me. So, now you’ve heard that perspective at least once. 🙂
Sex in the early years of our marriage is another story. Neither of us were ignorant about sex yet we still had a lot of cultural baggage. And there was a lot of emotional pain as well as some physical pain. Based on what you wrote, it sounds like you have some cultural baggage, also. I’d encourage you to do some reading of books like “Beyond Sex Roles” by Bilezikian and “Guardian Angel” by Moen.
I am a (very recent) newleywed and I had many of the same fears going into my wedding night. Even though I had read some relevant books and had some good chats with married friends I was nervous it would hurt, we wouldn’t be able to figure it out, he wouldn’t like something about my body….I think the most important thing is knowing you are marrying a man of character who loves God and loves you. Pair that with open, honest communication and it’s going to be good – even if it isn’t all physically perfect. I told my husband to be a few days before I needed him to share what he was thinking and be really talkative (he is on the quieter side). That really helped me feel confident and beautiful. We set a few expectations around when we would try (we opted to save sex for after a good night’s sleep – which worked really well for us) and talked about things we might need (I brought the lube, he brought the condoms). Our wedding night was wonderful and fun and there was no pressure to do everything all at once. When we did try, it wasn’t perfect. For me personally, it did hurt. But my husband was so gentle and caring and patient with me. Continued practice and seeing a doctor has helped a lot. So I guess to boil down my advice:
1. It truly is a wonderful thing, and it will come together in time
2. Talk with your husband-to-be about expectations at an appropriate time
3. Make sure you are marrying someone of character that is going to work through any issues with you, think about your needs and make sure it is a positive experience
4. Get informed – read books by a reputable Christian author or ask married mentors
5. Seek out a great doctor that you can be open with if any issues do arise
I was nervous going in, and there have been challenges, but sex has been a great opportunity for us to communicate and grow as a couple, for us to show each other love and it has also been a lot of FUN! Don’t be afraid to skip the “main event” and just focus on exploring eachother’s bodies and figuring out what feels good.
JessicaHill, you raise a lot of great points. I agree with you. It isn’t fair. It’s also gruesome and grotesque – bleeding to break the hymen, the monthly menstruation, childbirth. It doesn’t seem like something that would come from a God, I agree.
As a guy, even though the anticipation of sex is exciting, and sex is all pleasure and no pain, I hate that these things turn women like you off from sex, because that means more frustration for us guys. It creates a gender imbalance where we’re all raring to go, but the objects of our desire are often so traumatized by sex and don’t want to partake. So it’s a lousy situation for both men and women, but it sounds worse for you women. Right – I don’t want to bleed, and I don’t want to feel any pain.
Jess, You also may not have any pain or bleeding your first time…I never did. And now only very occasional slight temporary discomfort if we can’t wait and jump in too quick with not enough “playing” time ahead to self-lube (nothing a quick swipe of saliva doesn’t fix). Also, there is a good chance your hymen is already broken from non-sexual activities, like if you use(d) tampons, rode horses, did gymnastics, a gynecology exam, etc – so I wouldn’t worry too much about it. AND, if your hymen is already broken due to any other reason besides a penis; you are still a virgin. 😉
I totally get the being afraid of having to be so vulnerable part. I grew up as a very modest person – I turned away from everyone at gym class and even felt weird if my mother saw me. I wasn’t taught to be this way, it’s just how I am. However, that seemed to disappear on my wedding night. By the end of the day I was so in love with my new husband and felt so mushy gushy inside from all of the cutsey things that happen during a wedding (first dance, being together all the time, etc.) that getting naked was intimidating but once it was done it was so worth it. My hubby just looked at me with sparkling eyes that seemed to devour me. He has adored my body from day one and still does to this day (even as I’m gaining pounds during pregnancy!). If you are with the right person it is such a great journey.
I think this is one of my favorite blogs. I am a long time reader and fan but never commented, but this is one that needed to be given a Thank you. My husband and I are a part of the marriage ministry at church and we do the majority of pre-marital counseling and this is a subject that often will be laughed at by other mentors that the young couple “will figure it out”… esp in Christian circles… but we do a huge disservice by assuming that the couple knows basic anatomy. I make it a point, no matter how awkward, to make sure the couple we are with understands their own bodies. (Much like how you explained here, not creepy but just basic information)… we use Gary Thomas’s Sacred Search and 9 conversations to have before you get married… but I nearly always pass on your book “A Good Girls Guide” to all the brides (and it’s not an option if they are a virgin)
Thank you so much for your excellent advice and your adherence to biblical principles.
Oh, Kristen, thanks so much for your encouragement! I love that give you women The Good Girl’s Guide! That’s wonderful. And thank you for all you do for marriage, too!
I just wish that I could feel comfortable enough with my marriage our intimacy level etc . after 33 years of being together 29 years of marriage and 9 children that I could even speak to my husband about some of the things in your book which I would love to do with my husband but know that our level of intimacy will never be much better than it is now . I mourn for what we don’t have and just pray that newlyweds don’t take sex or each other for granted or wait years like I have to try to do anything about it.
I just found out that my boyfriend has struggled with porn addiction in the past. This terrifies me simply because I’ve always heard detrimental things about the effects of porn on sexuality and on marriage. His heart is in the right direction; he knows it’s wrong and wants to do the right thing before God. But I’m so scared that it could happen again, or that it would have a terrible effect on our marriage if we were to end up getting married. What should I do? Should I break up with him? I’m so unsure and scared.
Hi Faith! That’s so tough, but so, so common. And if he truly is repentant and trying to change, that’s great! I’ve got a post on whether you should marry someone who uses porn, and it may help you walk through this.
My husband was addicted due to porn being in his house as a kid it is very damaging to a marriage indeed but it can be overcome. My husband has overcome it and has fallen back into it some on and off throughout the years but now he’s addicted to a new thing . Well actually for a few years now but recently much worse spending money playing online poker . I feel that he’s having virtual affairs with other players and I think that the amount of time and amount of communication that he spends doing it is almost as bad as having a virtual affair. He says that he does it to chill out and to de stress but that was his excuse for smoking which I detest and did NOT marry a smoker. He only started smoking after we were married for over five years and he claims if he doesn’t then he has an anger problem . Just be aware that in this day of technology there are lots of dangers to a marriage porn being just one of many .
Hi Sheila, having rewritten my post a couple of times now 🙂 Would it be possible to put some sort of plug-in on the response page that tells you how many characters you have left before it gets to the max length?
I don’t know; that’s a great question! I’ll ask my web guy.
hot holy and humorous has one 🙂
Thank you GREATLY!
Hi Faith, I will try this again, I just wrote a nice long response to you, unfortunately it was too long and the blog ate it (thanks Sheila 🙂
I will answer you from the perspective of a man that was addicted to porn for a long time, and I will be pretty blunt in my responses because this is serious business. Whether or not you marry him, depends on him, but also on you.
If he is still doing porn, or has the wrong attitude toward porn, then I would say you shouldn’t marry him. But, if he has truly stopped and his attitude is right, then he might be a really good person to marry.
So, I’m going to write some questions that you are going to have to answer to determine if he has truly stopped doing porn and why. Also, what is his attitude toward it. Plus, these are good things to think about before marring anybody (it really wouldn’t hurt asking these questions about yourself also)
1. How do you know it is in the past? How long ago is “in the past”? is it long enough to show a track record of being clean over the long haul or was it three weeks?
2. What led to his ending it (if it is) Was he caught or did he confess on his own? I’m not saying you can’t really change if you are caught, but confession holds more weight in my book.
3. What has he put in place to keep himself from doing it again? Covenant eyes? counseling/discipleship? Avoiding internet? Does he have accountability partners? Are they men that will ACTUALLY hold him accountable? Will he let you talk to them to find out how they think he is doing?
4. Does he keep secrets? Does he hide his phone? Do you have access to his phone, tablet, computer? Does he seem nervous if you are looking at those things? Does he erase his history? In general, does he keep things from you when there is no reason to?
5. Does he lie or is he deceptive? Not just to you, but do you notice that he really isn’t honest to others? Will he “fib” if something makes him look better? This is a big one.
6. Has he worked through why he was looking for porn? What need was it filling besides sexual. Most writers say that porn use is about issues other than sexual. I don’t know that is true in every case especially with younger men, but the older we get I think it is true. In my case, I wanted to be loved and accepted for who I am not for what I can do.
7. Does he live his life in a way that “avoids the very appearance of evil”? Does he watch movies and tv with a lot of sex and nudity? Does he like shows that have a lot of sexual innuendo and joking? How does he treat other women? It is not unnatural for a man to notice a pretty woman. It is wrong for him to KEEP noticing, staring, smiling, flirting.
8. How does he treat you? Does he push you for sex? If you are having sex, stop. (fornication is just as sinful as porn is) Tell him you are done until marriage. What would be/is his reaction?
9. Is he proud? When he wrongs others, does he confess (on his own)? Is he truly sorry when he hurts others or is he sorry he got caught?
10. is he open with you about his (past) porn use or does he not want to talk about it?
11. Is he teachable? Does he listen to other more mature believers or does he only listen to himself? Does he have to be right?
Excellent questions! I love it. And I’m sorry my blog ate your comment before. 🙂
Thank you so much, Sheep! This is VERY helpful. I’m taking all of these things into deep consideration and praying over this. He willingly confessed his addiction without any digging or prompting on my part. We are not having sex and he never pushes me for it. He is very respectful towards me. So these are good signs.
Now I have a question for you to answer about yourself and I preface it by saying that… his sin is his fault, his responsibility. Just like your sin is your fault and your responsibility. So, here is the question… If he truly has stoped his porn use, done everything possible block himself from it, is accountable, and realizes how awful and damaging it is to God, himself, you, and others… Can you work with him, as his wife and help him to continue to stay away from it? Can you truly forgive him? Can you be his intimate partner in life, holding nothing back? Can you let go of it? I’m not saying ignore it, or forget it. But don’t let it come between you. This is not a quick decision, but it is important because if you can’t then you should probably move on, because that isn’t fair to either one of you.
You don’t really cover the “what you’re supposed to do” aspect of the question here, and I think it’s a separate one from “how sex works”. I learned the mechanics of it in my teens, from school biology lessons and a book my mother gave me. But I struggled with how actually to achieve penis into vagina. Things like how you’re supposed to cope with legs (ours always seem to be in the way!), and how just to be comfortable physically (e.g. without one of you giving the other a dead arm) so you can enjoy the sex without the distraction. After a few years my husband started asking me just to lie still and not to touch him apart from kissing, so I guess I was always getting it wrong.