Adult children can seriously take advantage of their parents–and seriously be moochers.
Last month I wrote a series on what it’s reasonable for senior parents to expect from their adult children, because many parents in their golden years are asking far too much of their kids. But then a woman wrote to me with the opposite problem–what about when adult children expect far too much from their parents, and their parents enable it?
What do you say about when the older generation continue to do the basic Life Responsibilities for their adult children (things like loaning money for houses, loaning money for cars, buying cars in their name but for the “child” due to bankruptcy problems of the child?) Also, what about expecting things like babysitting and shopping trips and lunches and “partying” at a moments notice – often a VERY short moments notice, even when the child makes much more money than the parents?
That’s a great question, and I’ve asked my daughter Rebecca to step and answer on behalf of millennials (although this is likely a problem for my generation, too!). But here’s Rebecca:
I’m at the stage of life where everyone is getting married.
Seriously–I’ve told my husband Connor that we’ve got to cut it off at three weddings a year pretty soon, because we always seem to be involved in decorating or helping in some way, and it’s getting exhausting!
But because of that, the topics of conversation among all my friends revolve around how to move forward together and pursue your goals. And what I’ve noticed is that the couples who are trying to do it mostly on their own are far stronger than the others.
Helping your kids can sometimes actually set them up for failure.
I know that helping your kids seems like the nice thing to do. But the nice thing and the good thing aren’t always the same thing. Let’s take a look at the “paying for houses” issue for a moment.
There’s a reason banks require a down payment. It’s not because they’re mean–it’s because if you can’t afford a down-payment, you likely aren’t financially ready to be a home-owner. You won’t have savings in place in case the furnace goes or the roof goes.
Homes are expensive. There’s mortgage payments, property taxes, and don’t get me started on upkeep costs and unexpected repairs. Connor and I are currently saving for our first house, but I know we’re nowhere near ready right now to actually buy, even if the down-payment was completely given to us for free.
If you step in and take care of the payment before your child is ready to save up the money his or herself, how can you be sure they’re even ready to be a home-owner? It’s one thing to chip in to help with the down-payment if (a) it doesn’t eat into your retirement fund and (b) you’re topping up what your child has already saved, but when parents pay for these huge purchases for their kids they take away the responsibility from the child.
It’s not a bad thing to have to live in a small apartment for a while. Connor and I are currently in a two-bedroom basement apartment here in Ottawa, and plan to have our first kid here. The first three and a half years of my life were spent in a 2-bedroom apartment in downtown Toronto, while Daddy was doing his residency.
If your kids want to move into a nicer place, they should be the ones to sacrifice and save for it. Not you.
When parents give money to their adult children, it can set up a really bad dynamic in the family.
Usually what happens is that the irresponsible kid gets all the help, money, and attention from mom and dad and the responsible kid is expected to make it on his or her own.
So you’re in essence punishing the kid who went out and got a good job, saved money, and made responsible decisions because that kid doesn’t get the payout but watches his/her sibling make bad decisions and get fished out of trouble again and again.
This doesn’t only apply to money–it can be babysitting, a place to live, food, really anything. If your actions are enabling a child to make bad decisions, whether it’s to use you as free child care so they can party, not work, or live at your house rent-free–that is really unfair to other children and other family members.
People need to be held accountable to the choices they made
If you scrimped and saved all your life, were a good employee, and made decisions that added value to your life, the consequences are going to be pretty good!
But if you decided to never work hard at any job, blew all your money on partying or cars and houses you couldn’t afford, and never saved for retirement? Well those consequences aren’t so fun, but are really important to feel.
What often happens, though, is that parents freak out seeing their kids heading towards doom and destruction and they swoop in to save the day.
But then their kids just do the same thing next week.
When we swoop in, we “disrupt the law of sowing and reaping”, as the authors of the great book Boundaries explain. God set up the world so that a basic law of human behaviour is that “you reap and what you sow” (Galatians 6:7). That’s how people are supposed to learn. When you disrupt that, then people stop learning. (Mom has more on setting boundaries here).
If you’re always available for babysitting whenever your kids need you last-minute because they want to party or go to a friends’ house, or if you co-sign loans and mortgages with them, or if you give them money to cover spending debt, you are not allowing them to feel the consequences of their actions. In fact, what you’re doing is actually saying, “these are good things to do, because you have mom and dad to help you out.”
Speaking as the kid in the situation, sometimes the best thing parents can do to help their adult children is to back out and say, “Sorry, you got yourself into this mess. We will be there to help you make a plan to get out on your own, but we can’t do the work for you.”
The reality is, you will feel the consequences of your decisions, as well.
And it’s not selfish to say, “No, I can’t help you because I am saving for retirement.” You worked for 18 years to prepare this kid to be an adult. Now, they’re adults, and it’s their decision if they want to actually grow up or not.
But it is not your responsibility to keep taking care of them like they’re still children.
Helping with that last part of a down-payment they’ve been saving for, babysitting on weekends so they can have a break, or even coming over to help your child with cleaning and cooking when your grand-kids are young can be such a blessing when your kids are responsible and understand the true cost of such acts.
But when your kids aren’t acting like adults or aren’t making responsible decisions, doing things for them can create a sense of entitlement and reinforce negative behaviors.
So many parents sacrifice everything for kids who aren’t willing to lift a finger to help themselves. A close friend works with a bank and is often asked to review loan applications from people who are trying to cosign on a mortgage or line of credit for their children, and often he says no because the parents simply can’t afford it without emptying out their retirement fund.
If you drain your financial and emotional resources to try and keep your kids’ head above water when they aren’t being responsible themselves, that will affect you. You won’t have a retirement fund, you will be exhausted, and you’ll be stressed. No, it’s not fun to leave a kid to face his or her actions–but it is important, and it can end the negative cycle of destructive behaviors. Some family friends of ours found themselves in this position–they never got to enjoy their retirement because their kids kept coming over and taking groceries, money, and whatever else they needed. Their parents had become their personal convenience store/ATM.
Enabling your adult child’s irresponsible behavior is not the way to help your grandchildren
When I was growing up, I had a friend whose mother never once took her to a doctor’s appointment. She went, but it was always her grandparents who took her. Her mom worked normal hours, had plenty of time to hang out with friends or coworkers after work, but somehow never brought her daughter to her yearly check up.
This started when she was a baby, and for the rest of her life I don’t think her mom ever brought her to a check up. And my friend grew up feeling like she never really belonged. Her mom loved her as much as she ever had to, but the grandparents took care of everything so she never had to actually think about her kid. And she just stayed selfish instead of learning how to be a good mom.
At heart, you either think your child is a fit parent who is just lazy and a little selfish, or you think that your child is an unfit parent. In my friend’s case, it truly was the former. Her grandparents didn’t help matters by doing basic parenting tasks that were really her mom’s job. If your child is seriously unfit to be a parent, then it’s time to get child protective services involved. But if they aren’t dangerous, just a bit immature, it’s time to let them feel the weight of being a parent and let them grow up.
Being told “no” is never fun. Telling your kids you’re no longer their ATM machine likely won’t be fun for them to hear, either. But even though it might be uncomfortable, it is so important in the big picture.
People get away with whatever they can get away with! So why not stop the cycle? Why not start creating boundaries that encourage responsible behavior instead of mooching? The long-term effects will be worth it.
Thanks, Rebecca! I just want to echo what she said about setting up this dynamic where all the focus, money, and time in the family goes to the adult child who is irresponsible, rather than the ones who are doing the right thing. I’ve seen this again and again, and it breeds serious resentment and a really bad dynamic. And it often starts when the kids are teens. So be careful! Love your children who don’t seem to need you as much, too. They deserve it.
Have you had any problems with adult children mooching? How did you handle it? Let’s talk in the comments!
My kids are still babies/toddlers, so I just wanted to throw in another observation as the adult child. I think I’ve got a good balance within my own family– my mom babysits for me regularly, especially while I work a part-time job, but I try not to take advantage of her and give her plenty of notice. My in-laws are another story. I’m married to the responsible child in the scenario you gave above, while his sister is married to a really irresponsible guy who is supposed to be the stay-at-home parent, but basically just won’t hold a job. My SIL and niece are constantly spending the night at her parents’ house, they’re constantly buying her things and taking her to school events and such. She doesn’t seem to understand why she doesn’t see our sons as much as her granddaughter, even though her daughter only lives a few miles away from them and it takes us an hour to drive there/both of us have jobs and are trying to be responsible adults. It really is having a negative impact on multiple relationships on that side. My boys very rarely get time with their grandparents where our niece is not present, and there’s a 5 year age gap between her and our oldest, so activities often end up getting geared towards her. My husband and father in law both get frustrated because in order to make it “fair”, my mother in law is constantly buying things for us or our kids that we don’t need or want, to the point where their mortgage is actually higher than when they started. And it often gets to the point where my husband doesn’t even want to spend time with them as a result.
Exactly, Becky! That’s what happens. I’m so sorry that you’re going through that, because it really is so sad. I wonder if you could send your MIL this post? 🙂
I wish I could, but I don’t think it would be well received. Especially given the responses she’s had to things my husband has said recently about minimalism and how he wants to move in that direction as a family. If she won’t listen to her own son, she certainly won’t listen to me.
6 years ago, when we moved into our house and had enough room to host my mom and 2 siblings, we had thanksgiving at our house. I thought would have potluck like we always do, but my mom told me basically had to do it all on my own and She wasn’t going to help. My sister bought a couple pies but my husband and i made everything else. My mom came in and threw a frozen bag of peas at me and told me to heat them up.
For Christmas that same year, my sister hosted, but because my mom felt sorry for her, she brought a ham. My mom said my sister needed help because she was single mom. I ended going to Panera but myself while everyone ate dinner. I’m obviously not my moms favorite.
Oh, Molly, that’s too bad! And that definitely is a dynamic that we do see a lot. I’m sorry. But I’d just say–still try to have some fun with your mom. Don’t let it poison you. She likely doesn’t realize what she’s doing. When I talk to parents about it, what they often say is that they’re so proud of their child who is responsible, but they somehow forget to tell them that. I once saw a really bad dynamic in a family where one child was majorly depressed/suicidal, and then the other child could never talk about his successes or marriage or kids or anything because it might make the sister feel bad. So the parents never celebrated the one child’s successes. It wasn’t that they weren’t proud or happy; they were just so worried about the other child, and figured that the one was already doing well on his own. It never works out well, but it didn’t mean they didn’t love their son.
I would love to enjoy a relationship with my mom, but she’s just not very interested. My life is boring to her. I’m a homeschooling sahm to 4 crazy kids. She’s just not that into me. I met my husband when i was 16 and he’s been wonderful so i guess she feels like she’s done. She wants almost nothing to do with me.
Oh, wow. That’s so tough. I wonder why moms would ever do that?
My husband and I are sort of on the other side of this dynamic. What is mean is that my mother-in-law is constantly trying to do things for us, giving us money and food, etc. But we don’t ask for it. And she can’t seem to receive, at least not from us. If we go out to eat with his parents, we just know they will be paying, and we will never be allowed to pay for them.
I think the saddest thing is that my husband doesn’t respect his parents, especially his mom. I suppose it’s because she never made him. She just became “Santa” to him. Parents, don’t do that.
Amen!
We have walked/are walking this journey in our family with one of my siblings. Two things I think could be added 1) how to self-assess to know if you’re enabling (because many times the enablers would never realize they’re doing that…my parents would never see it that way) 2) how much more complicated it gets when there are grandchildren. I think in our family if there hadn’t been a grandchild involved my parents would’ve not become enablers as much and would’ve let my siblings’ consequences play out but it became about how the consequences were unfair or unfit for their grandbaby because they were only a child and it wasn’t the grandbaby’s fault their parents were irresponsible (i.e. we can’t allow the natural consequence of eviction because our grandbaby would be homeless or living in a less safe neighborhood that our adult child could afford better; if our adult child can’t afford food then we better buy them because our grandbaby needs to eat; or we need to invest all our resources into this so our adult child can have the best possible custody outcome.) Now, don’t get me wrong I don’t want bad things for my sibling’s child BUT there are ways that those matters could have been addressed outside of my parents giving of their limited resources time and time again. (And often in our case my parents “swooped” without even being asked to, which is probably another issue too.) I also didn’t want my sibling to face those things, but I know many of the struggles would be in the rear view mirror, if the responsibility had been fostered earlier on.
All that’s to say that yes, this does have HUGE impacts on families and all the relationships within them in basically every direction.
So sad, Kim. And I honestly don’t know what I would do if my child were about to be evicted, along with my grandbaby. I’d like to think I’d let the eviction happen, and then take the grandbaby to live with me, but I know it isn’t always that simple. It’s just really sad.
Well, and to tie back with Sheila’s series about adult children caring for aging parents: if the parents exhaust all of their resources/retirement savings by helping kids, then how are these irresponsible kids going to care for themselves AND their destitute aging parents when the aging parents need help?! We are putting our retirement/long-term care savings first and foremost because having those in place will be a help when our children are grown…they can take care of their own stuff and not need to help US! We face this in my family – my in-laws have a long-term plan and my own mother talks about “moving in with us someday.” Uhhhh…
Exactly. I think sometimes all this showering of money and help and gifts can create a weird power dynamic where mom or dad (or both) can say, “we’ve done so much for you! Now you owe us!” It’s wonderful if having a parent move in with you is what you both want, but if it’s an expectation the parent has but the adult child doesn’t, that can be really uncomfortable.
I truly believe in helping family as much as we can, but we need to have boundaries. And I think that kids needs to be proactive, too, in maintaining those boundaries. If we don’t want to financially support our parents in old age, don’t let them support us in our younger adult years. Because, frankly, it is kind of selfish to say, “Yes, mom I want you to pay for everything and completely sustain me financially but I don’t want to help you at all when you grow older.” We can’t have it both ways!
But if a parent is using money or anything else, really, to gain power or influence, especially if the child doesn’t need/want/ask for it, that’s inappropriate.
We are referred to as the “Sandwich Generation” because of this dynamic. Our parents are leaning on us for time and resources, and our grown children are as well. Many of us with large families still have younger children at home. Don’t even get me started on the adolescence, menopause, dementia triad! “Woe to you when all men call you good.”Lk. 6:26. You are correct in putting our retirement fund at the forefront of the money issues and I love that this site puts marriage based on God’s principles first. Without open communication and strong marital bonds we will never make healthy boundaries. It is never too late for Him to heal wounds.
I rarely comment…this hit a button for me today. I am the “poor” sibling of we three kids left in the family. I am married to a good hardworking man, but it’s tough. I value our family over possessions. We have six! We do just fine and we moved Down Under a few years ago(where my husband is from) to get a better situation. My husband’s job has more ability here. We both miss the U.S. terribly, but being here, away from MY PARENTS, has so helped stabilize our marriage and we’ve been able to start making OUR traditions with our kids. My mom is rather a BPD type, but they won’t visit, though they were addicted to their grandkids when we lived there. They are waiting for us to return, and have offered to help financially for us to “come home” so my husband can get work there “or at least anywhere in the U.S.” which makes seeing us (GRANDKIDS actually) easier to see according to my mom. They don’t seem to enjoy hearing about all the experiences we have down here or about any good things that happen here, but there are always sort of waiting to ask or hear or set me up in conversation to mention “coming home”. I’ve had two babies (we have 6 altogether) since moving down here, and they’ve never met them! They claim its too expensive, but they travel to see my two brothers each year in the U.S.. and my brothers are well off bad visit THEM every year too! It’s so hurtful. There’s so much more to the story. I miss where I’m from soo much and would love to be back in the States(snowy Christmas) again, but to me it feels deep down like a power struggle we shouldn’t be having. We are trying so hard to stand alone, and we have grown so much away from them, though it was a long hard distance to go….My parents were the motivating factor for our move across the world three years ago. To sum up, yes, we both would love to return to U.S., we can’t afford it on our own, but I am scared to take from my parents….so I sit here buying time, praying, and trying to figure out with my husband what to do. Is anyone else in a similar situation?
Oh, Steph, that’s so hard! I’m sorry. I totally understand having to escape your parents to try to forge a marriage on your own. And I can’t imagine not moving heaven and earth to go and meet two of my grandchildren.
(By the way, where are you in Australia? I’m coming in May! We’re doing a marriage day in Sydney and a Girl Talk in Canberra!)
Hi Sheila,
Thank you for validating what I feel I would do as a grandparent as well ! 🙂
Thank you for asking!! Yes, we have lived all up and down Australia for the past three years, we are in Canberra currently!!! I don’t know many people here, but I saw you were coming bad couldn’t believe it!I’ve been following your blog while we lived in my home state of Idaho since about 2012!! I am dying to finally meet you after all these years and can’t get over the irony ( Providence) that it will be right here in Canberra!! And I started reading your blog just two hours south of Canada! Lol! So please tell me, do I need to book in advance??
Xx
Steph
As long as you’re signed up to my newsletters, then you’ll get an email when the date is drawing near! (The newsletter program keeps track of where people are when they open the email so I can send one just to those in Australia). So that’s cool! And do introduce yourself that night. 🙂
Absolutely! It is now the first thing written down on my just – purchased 2018 calendar!
I hope you and hubby get to see some sights while here; Fall is lovely in Canberra, but some of the most gorgeous beach in the world is just about two hours away (look at Jervis Bay) and then of course the normal touristy pics in Sydney! 🙂
God bless and can’t wait for May!!
Xx
Steph – YAY! I’m actually the one organising Sheila’s Canberra visit from our end, so I cannot WAIT to meet you. Let me know if you want to catch up anytime before then – always happy to meet another friendly face 🙂
Sheila – so excited to see you down under soon 😀 : D
Absolutely! Me, too! We’re so excited. And Keith is already planning all his birdwatching trips. 🙂
Hi Eps, I just saw this! I would love to meet another friendly face! 🙂 I live Tuggers side in Canberra! So looking fwd to this! Can’t figure out how to get notifications about other comments, but I’ll check back here!
Ugh, don’t get me started on family saying, “when are you coming home??” Um, I AM home. This is my home. That is your home. I have my own life, thank you. My grandma is always saying this!!
Yes! It is so true. My parents and in-laws have been an amazing support but also with appropriate boundaries for us. Both sides do babysit on a regular basis as opposed to childcare for us. seeing our toddlers close relationship with them, we wouldn’t have is any other way. But the offer was always clearly equally on offer for all grandkids before they were born). We respect for their time and offer return support where needed, and bend over to make other plans if they can’t watch the kid due to any reason, and we rarely ask for babysitting outside of the regular agreed times (maybe 3 times in the last year, once for our anniversary). We are so blessed but we make sure they know how much we appreciate it and that we DO NOT take it for granted.
On the flip-side, we are very open about our willingness and boundaries when the time comes to care for them too. The clearer the discussions and the more it is appreciated the better off all around.
It is so much easier when families will actually talk about this stuff. But many just won’t (or can’t). It’s sad.
👏🏻 Wish I could forward this post onto some family but I’d probably hurt some feelings! Amen to the part about enabling the kids who’ve messed up. My husband and I have done all the right things but since we don’t have a bunch of issues, don’t get as much help as his siblings. Same with my family and my brother. They’ve made dumb choices! They need to live with it! Soooo irritating. I just try to stay above it by saying we will always have a better quality of life, even if the siblings are frequently getting handouts.
Yes, you will, Laura! Your life will be better, because the quality of our lives is about our character, not our possessions. So sad that parents don’t see that, though.
It has always been hard growing up watching my mom always swoop in and help my sister. whether it was homework, conflicts with friends and teachers, or paying for school and bills (it was always one sided because she blew her money) and I am frusterated for working so hard for what seems like nothing. Now that we both have children its even worse. my mom babysits my neice 6 days per week and has baby sat my son (while he was sleeping) 3 times in 4 years. now she is buying my sister a house, buys my neice basic stuff like clothes and boots takes them out to eat so much food for lunches all while my sister blows money. my mom is taking out her retirement money…its so crazy. It hurts my feelings ever since I was a kid and lost out but now it breaks my heart when my 4 year old asks why Grandma likes his cousin so much more…
Oh, that is so sad, Valerie. I’m so sorry.
What about vacations? When we went on a cruise (which we couldn’t afford, but that is another topic) with my in-laws and family, people were surprised that my MIL and FIL didn’t pay for our trip. I had never heard of parents paying for adult children vacations. I was confused that parents did pay. It was never offered to pay for ours, but they did pay for at least some of their daughter’s (and it wasn’t considered a gift. Again, another topic).
Would it ever be bad to gift a vacation? This honestly has me baffled. I like being gifted experiences (tickets to games, memberships, etc.) for Christmas and such. Is that bad?
Thank you for this post!
Be blessed 🙂
Hi Jennifer! My husband and I have decided that every year we’re paying for one big family vacation for everyone, because we want our girls to also have a chance to see each other and for the husbands to get to know each other and (eventually) the cousins to be close! And the kids don’t have as much money as we do, so if we want to spend time together, then we’ll have to pay for it. I don’t think it’s wrong to gift your children something special. I do think it gets dangerous if you pay for children’s day to day expenses. But that’s the way we’ve handled it!
Financially my husband and I have always had to stand on our own 2 feet. My Mum was a single Mum so I had a lot of responsibility growing up. Don’t get me wrong I resented doing the washing, cooking dinner etc. Knowing my friends could just get on with their homework or sit on the computer and chat on MSN (it was a few decades ago). But once in university, guess what you have to work, clean up after yourself and study and I had been doing that for years, it wasn’t a huge adjustment for me.
My MIL is very house proud and was a stay at home Mum, if we are there and I want a cup of tea, I’m not allowed to go into the kitchen and make it myself, I have to ask her for one, I feel so uncomfortable I usually don’t have tea. She does absolutely everything for everyone. When I was first married I was floored when I realised my husband couldn’t use a toaster! a vacuum cleaner or the washing machine. Those first few months were rough. Especially with cleaning, he would want things clean he just didn’t haven’t the first clue how to do it. 5 years later things are much better, he even cooks now, he finds recipes online or youtube. I have seen my husband grow to be a much more confident person and more ‘adult’ I really felt looking back my MIL was trying to stunt him into being a man-child to keep him forever.
The extra responsibility will give your children confidence, resilience and self-reliance. You are raising competent adults to be part of a much larger community and society not an army of children in big pants.
So well put, Mel! Exactly. Extra responsibility does give confidence. It’s wonderful to feel like an adult. Don’t deprive your kids of that! (And couldn’t even use a toaster? WOW.)
I have read many articles that discuss the failings of parents that enable (inhibit) their adult children. I authored the e-mail below as a humorous attempt to illustrate the issue to my children. Please share with the readers of your site if you feel it is appropriate.
Good evening,
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How Adult Children Manipulate Parents | Empowering Parents
How Adult Children Manipulate Parents | Empowering Parents
If you have an adult child living at home, you’re not alone. Our experts explain why some kids choose to stay at…
My husband’s 40 year old son and 2 kids moved in with us a long time ago. After 4 long miserable years, they moved out. 6 months later, He has a stroke. My first thought wasnt about his well being, but “No, no no! Here they come again!” And they did for 2 months. Now they are back again bc of eviction. I have 2 minor kids of my own that live here. My husband is so passive and I think very insensitive. They have never helped with housework or cooking dinner or laundry. It’s all on me. I’m so full of bitterness and resentment I’m choking on it. I do not like who I have become.. There’s no joy😢😢😢😢😢
That’s really hard, Angel. But can you set up a chore system, and put it on the fridge? Or can you say, “I’m not going to do other people’s laundry anymore, but I’ll gladly teach you how to do laundry?” You can also start doing food the way my kids did when they had roommates. You put different coloured stickers on your food in the fridge, and people can’t eat each other’s foods. And then you only cook for yourself and your kids, and you tell them they have to make do themselves, UNLESS you start a rotating cooking schedule. When they cook, then the family can eat together, but you’re not willing to cook for everybody.
It is okay to do that. It really is. And you can ask your husband to back you up. If he won’t, then you can suggest that your husband do the cooking/cleaning for them, since they’re their family. But please understand me: no one is MAKING you do this. Yes, it will cause a huge fuss if you say no. But you can do it in a nice way, It really can!
Thank you. I hadn’t thought of a color coding system. I’m past ready to get my house and life back. My husband and I have been together for 10 yrs. And for going on 6 of those years his son and 2 kids live with us. He had the stroke but does nothing to gain better mobility. Refuses to exercise. Very poor hygiene. But at the first of the month he is gone partying and doesn’t come back until he’s broke. What do I do with all this bitterness, anger, and resentment I feel.? It is bigger than I am. And some days it’s like my husband agrees with me but other days says he says I’m mean and selfish.
My mom wanted me to be an unemployed do-nothing that sits at home with her, suffering my dad’s emotional abuse alongside her. I wouldn’t even be a “partying” mooch, just one that sits at home and watches TV. Every time I spoke about getting a job she would say that working a job [that she doesn’t respect] is not worthwhile. That’s not the life I wanted for myself. I am 35 years old. We don’t talk anymore.
Thank you so much for this article. This really speaks to me!! I have 2 brothers. One has always worked and paid his way and the other never stays in a job for longer than a year before packing it in and falling back on my parents time after time. I moved out over 6 years ago and have been living with my boyfriend but both my brothers still live at home. The one who has no job stability has currently been unemployed for a year now and claims he is trying to make money online. So far, he has only made a bit of money….none of that has gone to my parents for rent! He is even desparately selling everything in the loft on eBay! But despite this, my parents will not pressure him to get a job! If it had been me or my other sibling living at home jobless and rent free they would have been on our case all the time! So we know he’s the favourite. But on top of this, my mum does everything for him and buys him groceries especially (which he obviously isn’t paying towards or going out and getting himself!) He doesn’t drive so he gets ferried back and forth everywhere. He has even been away on a family holiday all expenses paid whilst me and my other brother had to pay out of our hard earned wages. My parents seem totally blind to it and think he’s wonderful and “living the dream”….of course he is because he isn’t working or paying for anything. Even other family members have broached the subject but my mum gets defensive about it and defends him. His girlfriend is a pushover and basically enables him by funding everything too. My other brother obviously is resentful as he’s paying rent and working. I don’t even live there and it still winds me up something chronic! It definitely leads to resentment and I have now lost a lot of respect for my brother and a little bit for my parents for enabling him. Rant over!!! It feels like therapy to talk to others about this as my parents just turn a deaf ear to it all.
I’m sorry about that. It is a very dysfunctional way to live! I will say something about him being the favourite, though. Sometimes the dynamics aren’t quite that, even if it looks like it. Sometimes it’s that the one who is the least emotionally/mentally/relationally stable gets away with everything, because parents are afraid they will commit suicide/do drugs/cut off contact. In effect, the child holds the parent emotionally hostage. Because the parent is afraid of losing the child in some way, the parents enable the child, because they feel that to insist on anything may push the child over the edge or away. So it isn’t necessarily that they are the favourite. It’s just that they’re the one that the parents are most scared they will lose, because the parents know the other kids are healthy and responsible. I hope that makes sense! It’s still a terrible way to live, but it doesn’t mean your parents love you less. Only that they’re less scared for you.
Sometimes, too, a lot of a parent’s identity is in being “needed”, and one child makes them feel more needed than the others. If that child stops needing them, then they lose their identity. So again, it’s less about one child being the favourite than it is about the parent being dysfunctional and not emotionally healthy.
Our daughter has always had a good relationship with us. She has been a good student, had a job, and been a leader in local clubs such as 4-H. In her first year of college, she got involved with a young man and became pregnant. They got married immediately at 18 even though neither was ready financially or otherwise ( fortunately she was still on our insurance ). Both sets of parents helped them set up their own place and helped provide basic necessities. She continued to work and go to school. He had to quit school for a while and work.
I can say that even during the pregnancy she shared with me that she was depressed and unhappy with her relationship. I felt bad for her because my pregnancies were such happy times. This never changed. They fought all of the time, it seems. Eventually she came to feel it was affecting their child.
Now she has moved back in with us with her toddler son. She has been here six months. Now she is happy again. At present, we are not asking her to pay rent while she sorts things out. ( Her sibling who is living at home while going to college does pay rent.) She also has not yet filed any legal papers although she has said she does not love her husband and their relationship is over except for the co-parenting. She HAS continued to work and go to school.
We are willing to let this go on for a while longer because she is doing better, but we feel it is important that she ,at least within the next few months, formalize her separation from her husband if she is not going back to him and continues to live with us. Child support arrangements and visitation arrangements need to be made to avoid looming issues.
I’m just wondering about the way to bring this up. Put a time limit on the free room and board and occasional free childcare and lack of movement on legal issues? What do you think?
Hi Donna!
I’d say definitely have that conversation soon. It’s an important one. She’s an adult with a child; she needs to act like an adult and do right by her child. Yes, she may get angry at you, but it doesn’t sound like she has anywhere else to go. I think it’s very, very important right now that the focus be on how to help your daughter act like an adult and like a mother while she’s at home transitioning with you. You don’t want to enable her to act like a teenager again. So have her do all of the childcare, unless she specifically asks you to help out for a limited amount of time. Definitely have her do housework. And definitely, definitely see a lawyer!
In 2017 my middle adult son lost his 3 year old daughter in a horrible accident. My son also had a 1 year old daughter as well. I had recently moved to another state for a better paying position and was so guilt ridden over my granddaughter’s life I loaned my son $30K to start a new life with his youngest daughter whom he gained full custody of. That was 15 months ago. Giving my son this money was the worst thing I could have done. My son decided to blow the money instead of pursuing his education or career. I believed in my son, however he took me for granted. I never received a dime in return. He has now lost custody of his daughter to the mother who caused the horrible accident which resulted in my granddaughter’s death.
When he calls me and asks me to pay his rent, water bill, food or electric I dread to answer the phone. There is no more to give, that’s was the money I saved for my retirement. He wasted my hard earned money and I am so ashamed of him.
Oh, TLS, I am so sorry. That’s so sad. I can’t imagine your grief.