What rules should you have for your teenagers? And should you have any rules?
Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question, and this week’s is from a mom who is struggling with what boundaries she should set for her teens. She writes:
Reader Question
One of my biggest parenting struggles with my girls is teaching modest dressing. I shared the pinterest poster with my girls. I can always use more advice with modesty. I have a real hard time seeing cleavage, I don’t want my girls to show that, but there is so much of it, even at our church among people who work with the kids. Also, a Pandora’s Box issue, but my 18 year old has expressed interest in getting a tattoo. I don’t feel they are right. I know that nothing will take a person’s salvation away, but I feel like a person who gets a tattoo is desecrating their temple that God gave them. Also I don’t know what dating standards to teach our kids. I get the impression that my oldest thinks we are too strict. I don’t want to raise children who are more likely to rebel however, I also want to raise them with God’s standards, not the world’s. Letting your kids go is sure a hard, painful job.
I get it. I do.
But one of the big risks we run is in raising kids to think that a relationship with Jesus is all about the things you shouldn’t do.
When my mom was little, most of the Christian message that she heard had to do with accepting Jesus as your Saviour. She remembers as a little girl thinking that the best life would be one where you knew beforehand exactly when you were going to die, so that you could accept Jesus right then. The reason? That way you could knit on Sundays. She wanted to be able to knit on Sundays.
My mom did not understand the gospel then–that it was about a living, breathing relationship with Christ, and that becoming a Christian wasn’t really the point. The point was living with Christ, and being transformed and becoming a different person. Yes, salvation is obviously central, but there is so much more to it than that. There is the joy of relationship.
I tell that story to say that a constant danger when we are raising kids is giving the impression that the Christian life is about rules and being in the “saved” crowd, rather than about living for Jesus.
And because we want our kids to be saved so much, we often look for signs that they are as dedicated as we are, or at least as we want to be. So if we associate tattoos with living an ungodly life, for example, we get scared. Does this mean that she’s not saved? Is she not truly committed to Jesus?
If you’re going to parent your kids into the kingdom, you need to strip away the trappings of what you believe your children’s lives should look like, and go back to a relationship with Jesus.
If we are spending more emotional energy worrying about what our daughters are wearing rather than dedicating that energy to growing a good relationship with them, then it is quite likely they will believe that we think the Christian life is about rules.
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Here’s a fact: Your children, even if they love God whole heartedly, will likely choose to live out that faith in a way that your generation did not. If you get upset about that, you will drive them away, rather than pulling them closer.
Here’s a picture of my future son-in-law and my daughter:
David has a sleeve tattoo that tells his salvation story, and then a cross tattoo on his left index finger. He has several others as well. My daughters don’t have tattoos, and this certainly wasn’t something I pictured my girls doing. But you know what? David has his own unique expression of faith, and his sleeve tattoo opens a ton of doors for conversation about his past battles and the victories that God has won in his life.
Look at what the fruit of the Spirit is–what our kids lives will look like if they’re following Jesus:
Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Those things are all POSITIVE things, not NEGATIVE things. It does not say that the fruit of the Spirit is not wearing having tattoos and not wearing your neckline too low and not listening to the wrong kinds of music. Again, I am not saying that I don’t have particular opinions on some of those things, but God speaks to us all differently. How many of us who are worried about what are kids are wearing are simultaneously struggling with overeating–which the Bible also mentions is wrong? We all do tons of things wrong, but God convicts us of different things in a different order. I think the important question is not “is my child culturally reflecting Jesus exactly as I would” but rather “Is my child showing character traits that shows that he or she knows Jesus?” And if they are–then spend your emotional energy focusing on that and reinforcing that in their lives!
Seriously, if they know Jesus, the rest will take care of itself, because the Holy Spirit will teach them. If they don’t know Jesus, then no amount of stressing rules is going to get them there.
The question you need to ask, then, is this one: “Is my parenting helping my kids know Jesus, or is it just reinforcing rules?”
I’m going to let Rebecca jump in here, because her book Why I Didn’t Rebel talks a lot about the effects that rules have on kids, especially in chapter two. In this chapter she tells the stories of Shiloh and Megan. Shiloh seemed to be doing well because she acted, talked and looked like the perfect Christian girl. But in her home, she felt smothered by the rules her parents had to make her a good Christian, like when she did devotions, who prayed at dinner, and how many Bible chapters she had to read a day. By the end of her high school experience, she was ready to burst and started to rebel.
Megan, on the other hand, came from a family where there weren’t many rules at all, but when she got particularly out of hand her parents would swoop in with a Bible verse to set her straight. “We don’t hit because the Bible says it’s wrong, you must obey your parents because the Bible says so.” But this didn’t exactly work because Megan didn’t believe the Bible yet herself. One girl had too many rules, the other girl had too few rules but the rules she did have were about being the perfect Christian girl–something she was never interested in being.
What if I told you that not all teenagers rebel?
And what if I told you that a lot of typical parenting advice makes rebellion more likely?
I interviewed 25 young adults, trying to figure out what made them rebel or not.
At the very end of the chapter, Rebecca closes with this:
From Why I Didn't Rebel:
In Matthew 13, Jesus tells the parable of the sower. A sower goes out to plant his seeds and some seeds end up on the rock, where they shoot up quickly but lack any root; some end up on the path, where birds snatch them away; some end up among thorns, where they are strangled by worry; but some end up on good soil, where they flourish and multiply. Obviously the good soil the option that parents desperately want for their children. And often parents’ way of making sure their children are the good soil is by implementing tons of faith-based rules.
But what if rules don’t actually work in creating good soil? Rules do not encourage personal growth—they merely dictate behaviour. Shiloh didn’t truly follow God until she met a friend who challenged her in high school to go beyond the rules and truly give her life to Christ, not just go through the motions. Megan came back to the faith after seeing the joy that Christians who were living by the Spirit, contrasted by the rules-based religion her parents had tried to force on her. In both of these cases, the girls became good soil by transcending the rules, not by following them. They became good soil despite the rules.
The rest of us, who didn’t rebel, were raised not to follow rules but to make good decisions, and that carried into our faith lives. Instead of trying to control our faith, my parents gave us independence. Their belief that we had the Holy Spirit as much as they did shaped how my parents raised us—instead of controlling us they gave us freedom to make our own decisions, guided by our knowledge of Him. And through repeated practice, we learned discretion and how to identify when something was or was not from God. And that is how good soil was created in our lives.
Maybe the answer isn’t to force kids to follow rules; maybe it’s to allow them to hear from God themselves.
The book delves into what it means to raise kids who understand and love God so that their faith stays strong as they become adults. Rebecca tackles a lot of hard questions like the one we’re talking about today, so if you’re finding the teenage years daunting, check out Why I Didn’t Rebel.
How do you think you can know when you’re striking the right balance between rules and freedom? Have any tips? Share them in the comments below!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
David seems to be a good man. I find tattoos very aesthetically unappealing, but the fact is, in the right circumstances they can be therapeutic, and they can strengthen self-identity, which on its turn, if it is a positive self-identity, can strengthen positive values.
Yes, I do think some people’s tattoos can be really important to them. Absolutely.
Hello All. I like the focus on the positive not the negative. Or I would say focus on the solution rather than the problem. Jesus is the solution 🙂 Your children, even if they love God whole heartedly, will likely choose to live out that faith in a way that your generation did not. I like this statement. We have a Church near us that is selling their building. They say they are not disbanding and I pray not. However, this statement applies to this very topic that is HUGE at least here in the States. So many Church’s are closing because the next generation is living out their faith differently. The Church’s are struggling because they are not changing to provide value in the way the next generation sees it. It’s a tough road. I am trying to do this as a parent. I lean towards baby boomer thinking in most cases. I am working on trying to see it differently. After all – my children are the audience that will lead the next generation. The one thing that is forever constant is the message of Jesus. It doesn’t change. That is what is really cool. Yeah! Baby Boomer thinking lol.
Phil, that’s such a struggle. We need to find new ways to engage people in authentic Christian community, and part of the problem is that the modern church service is about teaching rather than community (while teaching is one thing that is easy to get online; community is not). I’m not sure what the answer is, but we’re certainly in a big period of flux, and it will be interesting to see how it all pans out!
I was talking to this man the other day who is the Council President of the Church that is selling their building. He said to me “Ask a Millennial who claims to be Christian to come to Church (including his own son) and they will say no. Ask that same person to come volunteer at the Homeless Shelter – They say sign me up!” I guess we have to broadcast our invitations for community on Twitter or Facebook and hope for the best! Our Church broadcasts our service on Facebook. Half a joke and half serious….not sure the answer either but I think we are going to be around long enough to find out. Thanks!
Forgot to do this too 🙂
Great answer!
Thank you!
Your answer to her question is right on. I’d like to add that modesty is subjective. What you think, what I think, what the women at church think, what the men out and about think is modest…is ALL different. You cannot dictate what your adult daughters will think is modest. Yes, you can ask them to cover and have rules and even give your reasons, but realize that your hangups are most likely NOT going to be theirs. Modesty to you may be no cleavage, there are men who care nothing about cleavage and love ankles, shoulders, hair or lips. Teach your daughters to be ladylike, to respect themselves no matter how they dress and who is around. Teach them to know their worth and project that. That is MUCH more valuable, doable and helpful than harping on a top you don’t like.
As for tattoos…that’s YOUR conviction, the Bible says nothing about tattoos except NOT to idolize and worship the dead or other gods (that is not a direct quote). There are many people that have tattoos, piercings and other body modifications that are more faithful and connected to God than the cleanest cut person you know. God does NOT care about the outside, nor should you. Especially when it comes to your kids. You’ve raised her, she’s an adult now. Trust that what you taught her was right and pray she takes jt and God’s direction into consideration. Your convictions are your own, stop pushing them on your daughter before you regret it. If a tattoo and some cleavage is your biggest concern, zip it and count your blessings.
I have to say, I absolutely love your last sentence! 🙂
I grew up as a Roman Catholic. Even so far as to being confirmed as a Roman Catholic in m junior year of high school (11th grade). The message I got from my parents was don’t drink, don’t do drugs, don’t have sex and get good grades. I did all of those things throughout high school. I fell away from the church after high school because I didn’t agree with most of the Roman Catholic doctrine and really haven’t been to church since. My husband wasn’t raised in a Christian household at all, even though his mother went to Roman Catholic services every week. It just wasn’t a thing in their family.
Our son is 13 and in 8th grade. We don’t attend a local church whatsoever. Primarily due to my work schedule. I work night shift as an RN which includes every other weekend. Yesterday, I got home at 7am and went right to bed. My son hangs out with boys whose families DO go to church. He’s even gone to a local church’s youth group a few years back because his friends went as they did ‘fun’ things, like dodgdeball games in their gym, trips to a local ski resort for tubing. The thing is, I don’t agree with the theology of that church(United Church of Christ). His other friend goes to the local Lutheran church, a member of the larger ECLA in the US. We have no non-denominational congregation here in the town where I live. Location is of utmost importance as I don’t want to drive 20 miles one way to church several times a week.
The next generation doesn’t see having a church family as important to them because most of their social interactions are done online. Either through social media or things like X-box Live, where you can play video games with other people all over the world. They are also more accepting of behaviors that go against the Bible. Such as sex before marriage, homosexuality, transgenderism, etc.
That definitely is true of the next generation, Kelly! I do think it’s important to be involved in some sort of Christian community, whatever that may look like, because kids need friends and other adults in their lives to encourage them. I think we’re going to see the generation coming up create Christian community that looks different from our typical ones, though. Culture is just changing.
When I think about tattoos I often wonder why it is accepted to wear makeup, but tattoos are wrong. Just because we can wash makeup off every day? Yet many of us will wear it constantly. I have a small tattoo on my ankle that I got when I was 30, 4 years ago, that says “beauty from ashes.” It is a reminder to me of how God took the ashes in my life and made something beautiful. If my children express a desire to get a tattoo when they reach 18 or older I will encourage them to give it a lot of thought on where to have it and to pick something meaningful . Something that they will look at when they are 80 and it will remind them of something significant…hopefully something to do with their walk with Christ.
Ashley, that’s actually a really interesting point! I totally agree.
Such a great post and great response! No matter what the rules are (and I think there should be some), I think it’s important for parents to have conversations with our kids about WHY those rules exist and what the basis for them is. We also need to be open to questioning those rules and hearing or kids when they tell us how the rules make them feel or question the basis for them. Not when they are yelling “That’s not fair!” And slamming the door, but when they are calmly asking, “Mom, where does the Bible say anything about dying my hair blue? Why are the rules different for my brother?” Etc.
I’d encourage all parents to proceed with caution when it comes to rules that are perceived as stricter than other families. The household I grew up in was strict, with rules that made no sense to me (I could wear pink nail polish, but not black. I could go to the mall alone with girl friends, but not if there were 5 other girls and one guy there.) I constantly felt that I was being punished. Despite behaving better than most of my friends (straight A’s, never sneaking out or lying to parents, no boyfriend, etc.) I was being treated worse than they were. Fortunately my faith was strong enough to recognize that my parents were also imperfect people with imperfect standards, so I don’t feel my relationship with God was negatively affected. But my relationship with my parents was, especially my mother. Fortunately that relationship largely recovered after I moved out, and before she passed away suddenly several years later.
Laura, I think those are all awesome points! When Rebecca wrote her book Why I Didn’t Rebel, what she found was the teens who DID rebel, and who then came back, had one big regret: that they didn’t have a better relationship with their parents. That’s what they really mourned–not the mistakes themselves, but that they lost out on the relationship with their parents. I think parents need to hear that. Our kids want a relationship with us, and when we set it up to be about rules, we can push that away.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I do believe we need to be teaching our sons and daughters about modesty. And even more importantly MODELING it and living it out. I don’t believe true modesty is subjective at all. I have a very simple modesty test. If Jesus were to show up wherever I am out in public, would I feel the need to rush home to change, pull on a cardigan or coat, pull the neckline of my shirt up, tug at my skirt or shorts? If I always dress with the idea that I could meet Jesus at any moment, then I will always dress modestly and respectfully. As I said, this is true modesty I’m talking about. Not legalistic modesty. And I don’t know about any of you ladies, but I’d feel pretty foolish and sheepish if Jesus were to show up and I had selected my shirt that day because of how well it emphasized my (how do I put this delicately) bosom. Just saying. Lol
You have an interesting view of Jesus; you would be focused on those things and he might not care because He would be focused on your heart. Just saying.
I’m talking about a strategy that helps me make modest and respectable choices about the clothes I put on my body. Not about how I think Jesus is only interested in what’s on the outside of a person, which is not how I view Jesus AT ALL. He looks on the Heart, just like His Father.
However, I do believe our bodies matter to both God and Christ a great deal. Our bodies are sacred and precious enough to God that He is going to glorify and perfect them some day rather than destroy them. We are God’s artwork. I for one don’t intend to intentionally disrespect that artwork. I do agree that Christ would be looking at my heart, and if I am in the habit of dressing for sexual attention, then Christ would see that. Would I be of any less value to Him because of it? Of course not! Would I be of more value because I was dressed modestly? Nope. But He would still know what my intentions were. And the truth is that I am loving God and Christ better by respecting the body that was created to do God’s good work. And loving God and Christ to the best of my ability is what I owe to them both for what they have done for me. That’s the reason we should follow God’s rules. Because we love Him. Not because it saves us or gets us into heaven. But if we disregard the rules because we know God will love and forgive us anyway, then we are taking advantage of Him, His love, and His sacrifice. We would be no better than a bunch of spoiled rotten children. I have lived too much of my life like that already. I haven’t always loved God better than myself, but I intend to love Him best of all for the rest of my days. Because He certainly deserves it. And that is my view of Jesus. That He is worth sacrificing all the bosom emphasizing shirts in the world for!
Samantha–I totally do understand what you are saying. But I think that there are ways to talk about modesty without body shaming and without making it about rules. I talked about it in this post on modesty rules, but essentially what I taught my daughters to ask is: “What is the first impression I give people when they see me? Am I dressing to please God? And am I approachable and friendly?” Those, incidentally, are questions boys should ask, too (since we tend to frame modesty as about daughters, when it really should be about both sexes). And those questions don’t lead to rules but instead to the heart issue. I think that’s a good approach to take with our kids, because it brings it back to the heart of Jesus (that we should dress to be approachable and friendly rather than off-putting or anything else), rather than about rules over cleavage or how long something should be.
Sheila, what you and I are talking about is actually the same. And I did say we should be teaching our sons and daughters both about modesty. Our wardrobe choices should absolutely be made from the standpoint of honoring God, ourselves and others rather than following a legalistic dress code. But the point I was trying to make is that if we focus on meeting Jesus while we are selecting our clothes, then the choices about what is truly modest (and honoring to God) will be easy! And the heart issues underlying choices such as short skirts and cleavage revealing tops will more easily brought to light. Because I DO wholeheartedly believe there are heart issues underlying intentional immodest dress and those issues are too often glossed over in our culture in an effort to prevent body shaming (which is a very serious issue but not an excuse to ignore girls and women who need serious help and guidance).
And Sheila, I don’t know whether or not you were just making a general statement about body shaming, but I do want to point out that there was nothing in my comment that even remotely hinted at body shaming.
As far as the rules go, perhaps expectations is a better term. And I don’t think we should shrink so much from the concept of expectations or paint them in such a grim light. We are much more free living under God’s expectations for the way we should live, than we could ever possibly live without them. No, our relationship with Him isn’t about the rules, but when we understand that He created those guidelines for us so that we could live a truly free and fulfilling life, then those “rules” suddenly seem kind of amazing, life-saving and definitely not the burden they are painted to be. It all comes down to love. Parents setting expectations without love is detrimental. Parents attempting to love their children without setting expectations is also detrimental. It’s all about the balance.
Oh, yes, Samantha, I was just making a general comment. Usually when we have rules about modesty they’re focused on covering up parts of girls’ bodies. I think, instead, it’s better to ask, “what’s the overall picture I want to portray?” We’ll get to the same point in the end, but without saying, “there’s something sinful about your breasts”
And to be fair, some parents make some truly idiotic rules. For instance, there was a girl my sister went to school with who wasn’t allowed to cut her hair, get her ears pierced, or have a boyfriend till she was 18. You better believe she rebelled! Those kind of rules bring a child to the brink of rebellion if not insanity. Having and enforcing sensible, loving, God-centered expectations in your home as your children grow up will not somehow drive them to rebellion. Ok I’m done ranting.
I agree about expectations rather than rules! In fact, having high expectations was one of the big things that was correlated with not rebelling, according to Becca’s study. But those expectations were combined with a great relationship with their kids, so that the expectations were just seen as “that’s part of who I am.”
I really appreciate you clarifying all of those points, Sheila. I truly do. As my husband lovingly puts it, I can get pretty passionate (wordy) about certain topics. And after years of heated debates with a sister who is “never wrong”, I have developed a streak for coming on strong with my dukes up. I have developed a great passion in the last few years for delving into the heart issues underlying the topic of modesty and the lack of it. Part of that was being brutally honest with myself about the intentions underlying certain wardrobe choices that I have made. I think a lot of women are too ashamed to admit that they do sometimes dress for sexual attention and when modesty is discussed it hits a nerve and they get defensive.
You are absolutely right that there is absolutely nothing sinful about breasts (or any other part of the female or male body). But there absolutely is something sinful about intentionally wearing shirts to show them off to get attention (unless it’s at home for your husband). The intentions are sinful. Not the breasts. And I think if we asked women to give their honest reasons for showing cleavage, they wouldn’t have a good or pure reason for it. Most would probably deep down know that they do it because they think it makes them look sexy, that they like the way their breasts look in a certain top and are proud of how they look and want others to notice how good they look too. To my knowledge, there isn’t a pure intention for showing cleavage off. If there is one, I’d be truly interested in hearing it.
If I understand what you’re saying I’m totally with you on your assessment. Someone who is saved doesn’t dress to seek ungodly attention from others (if not your spouse). What’s on the inside will manifest on the outside. So, yes, how we dress absolutely matters. Now, are there people who are figuring out their walk with God and aren’t quite there in the dressing modestly part? Yes. However, if they believe in what God tells us about modesty, it’s not just about how you dress but it’s also your attitude, how you carry yourself and the tone you set for others to treat you. J (hotholyhumorous.com) touched on this in a post this last week. It’s well worth the read.
I agree with focusing on the positive. I consider myself a fairly lenient parent. When my daughter wanted a tattoo for her sixteenth birthday I agreed. Hers says via veritas vitas (way truth life). Yelling and being rude are the main things I don’t allow. What you look like on the outside is far less important than how you treat others.
I love that tattoo! And I think when they’re making a statement like that–it’s very difficult to get upset. 🙂
I find the tattoo discussion really interesting. In Hebrew there is a law in the Bible against it, it uses the word we use in modern Hebrew for tattoos, though it would be interesting to find out if it is actually the same thing. But then we not under the law anymore, so it is maybe not even relevant. I suppose if one has a teen who wants a tattoo as a Christian parent I would ask questions to figure out what the motivation is. I used to be around lots of believers with tattoos and I often felt like they are so obsessed with their body „decorations“ and kind of addicted to tattoos. Not all of them but many. Rules are def not the answer here, but I think if a parent is truly not convinced that this is a good idea they should be able to say no to tattoos in the framework of a personal boundary “ I can’t sign this permission to get a tattoo because I feel that this is not a good idea, but if it is really important to you I will discuss this some more and be open to change my mind”… anyways just basic communication in a healthy relationship.
One of the things I start to love about being confronted with things I disagree on is that they make me think through my opinion and figure why I believe a certain thing or not. If the other person was right i learned something new, if i was right i will have a better understanding of the truth i already believed. I think parents need to learn to stay teachable and not feel threatened by disagreement.
Hi Lydia! I think if it were a teen I wouldn’t say yes personally, just because it’s something permanent, and I don’t think you should do permanent things until you’re 18. But telling someone that they absolutely can’t because it’s against God’s will goes a little too far.
My husband points out that there are health issues, too, like Hepatitis and stuff, and so I think it’s reasonable for a parent to say, “It truly is up to you, but let’s wait on something permanent until you’re an adult.” But that’s my take. I guess that does mean that I have rules, but I think you can have a rule without making it sound like it’s about christianity. It’s just about age–sort of like how people get different bedtimes as they get older or are allowed to watch different shows as they get older or are allowed to drink alcohol. You’re not saying it’s evil or wrong; just that it’s something that adults do. I think that’s different from setting hard and fast rules about morality on things that may or may not be what biblically black and white. What do you think?
I stay away from topics about faith, religion, and politics as much as possible. You can debate all you want but you can never win. But in regards to the reader’s question about her 18-year-old wanting to get a tattoo, here’s my take on that: I think what’s important is what’s inside our hearts. Is your daughter a good person? If she is, then I don’t think getting a tattoo can just change who she is inside. I’m actually more concern about talking to your daughter about the safety of getting a tattoo, in case she’s dead serious about it. Letting go is sure hard for parents. But it’s hard for our kids too. So we must prepare them by understanding them and be open to compromise.