Did you have a wedding night disaster?
Today is my 26th anniversary! We’re celebrating our anniversary in Kingston, which is the city where we first met and where we married (and about an hour away from where we live). Usually on our anniversary I write something sweet and sappy, because I really do love my husband. But I thought that this year I’d do something different, and talk about what our night was like 26 years ago.
I shared a lot about our spectacularly awful wedding night in my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. In writing it, I conducted a bunch of surveys, which many of you participated in (thank you!). And one thing I found was that, for most people, sex wasn’t that great early in the marriage. It gets better with time, trust–and practice!
In fact, my absolutely awful wedding night was really the main reason that I wrote the book. And I explain why in this excerpt:
A few weeks before my wedding, I bought a bestselling Christian sex book. I read it cover to cover while sitting in the bathtub. (That’s where I get most of my reading done. It’s just a little dangerous when I’m reading library books.) Instead of helping me feel confident about my wedding night, it left me a nervous wreck. And a little angry besides.
First, it was all about the mechanics of sex. The book’s focus was on making sure that you, the woman, had an orgasm on your very first sexual encounter. It went through everything you were supposed to do and everything he was supposed to do in explicit detail, complete with a time schedule. After reading and raging at the book, I drowned it. I stuffed it under the water and held it there until it died, and then I unceremoniously dumped it in the garbage.
Let me try to explain why I felt so homicidal toward a book. I didn’t like feeling as if my every action was prescribed. I didn’t want sex to feel choreographed. I didn’t want to feel like there was a right way to do things. But perhaps most importantly, I didn’t want the night to be so stressful that it could be measured based on whether I had “succeeded.” What if I simply wanted to get comfortable with my husband and have fun exploring rather than trying to force my body to do something?
Given that that particular book sold hundreds of thousands of copies, I’m sure it helped many women enjoy their wedding nights. But there is a trend in Christian thinking that goes something like this: the wedding night is the big night you’ve been waiting for your whole life, so you had better do absolutely everything right or you will ruin it.
A lot of pressure, isn’t it?
The wedding night is wonderful because it’s the beginning of a journey together.
Perhaps I’m being a party pooper. Perhaps that book is right, and we all should be aiming for physical bliss. So I decided to test my own hypothesis. I took a survey of married Christian women, some of whom had waited for the wedding to be sexually active and some of whom had made love before, and I asked them to rate the sex on their wedding night.
I discovered that despite selling so many copies, its message hadn’t succeeded in making wedding nights more explosive. Of the women in my survey who had been virgins when they were married, only fifteen percent reached orgasm on their wedding night through intercourse. Another seventeen percent reached it another way (we’ll talk about that later), but sixty-eight percent didn’t experience an orgasm at all. In fact, even among those who weren’t virgins, in no category did over 50 percent of women reach orgasm through intercourse on the night they were married. It simply isn’t that common.
Here’s the way I see it: fireworks are great. Everyone wants fireworks. But the point of the wedding night is that it’s a wedding night. It’s about the marriage. The bliss is that you’re now together in every way. So you can now explore, have fun, and discover all on your own time. For some people, that’s going to mean fireworks right off the bat. For others it may take longer. But it doesn’t matter, because now you’re finally married, and you have decades to get it right!
Remember those 85 percent of virgins who did not have an orgasm through intercourse on their wedding night? Today 63 percent of those women usually or always do, and another 13 percent sometimes do. They got better with time.
(Have you read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex yet? Check it out here!)
Are you ready for the honeymoon you always dreamed of?
The Honeymoon Course is here to help you plan the perfect honeymoon and start your marriage (and your sex life!) off with laughter, joy and fun!
Don’t make the same mistakes other couples have–get it right from the beginning!
I think that’s good news! And so maybe one of the best things that we could do is to stop all this pressure about the wedding night and start saying something more like:
The wedding night is wonderful because it’s the beginning of a journey together.
That journey is awesome! But let’s celebrate the journey, rather than expecting the arrival all at once. Perhaps that would calm down a lot of nervous brides! Maybe you’re in the 15-20% of women who had amazing wedding nights, where not only did the earth move, but rocks split, trees fell down, and mountains shook. You know what I mean. But for another 20%, they didn’t even have sex (either because they were too tired or too scared or had their period). And the other 60%? It seriously was nothing to write home about.
But follow all those people, and in 10 years, the bottom 20% and the top 20% are in roughly the same place. It doesn’t matter where you start. Things get better once you relax and know each other well!
Personally, I had a horrible wedding night. I was so stressed to do everything right that I totally tensed up. And I felt like a total failure.
I would have been much better off if the wedding night hadn’t been such a big deal.
Now some people may argue, “well, the wedding night wouldn’t be such a big deal if you Christians didn’t insist on saving sex until marriage“, but that’s not the issue. Sex is best when you’re married, and God said that’s where it belongs. So that’s non-negotiable. And incidentally, even those who weren’t virgins didn’t tend to have great wedding nights. Whether you were a virgin or not really didn’t impact how good the wedding night was. Sex changes after we’re married; and there’s so much pressure on that night that it can be overwhelming.
That’s why the problem with the wedding night isn’t that we’re virgins; the problem is that there’s too much pressure!
So I want this post to serve as a pressure valve to engaged women. Don’t worry about it too much, and you’ll have much more fun!
Now some of you likely had great nights, and more power to you. But I don’t think that’s the norm. Many of us prepare with the bridal lingerie, and the dreams, and the bridal suite, but it doesn’t turn out like we had planned.
When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I wanted to write the kind of book I would have liked to receive, that wouldn’t have put pressure on me (virgin or non-virgin!). And I hope I succeeded.
And I’ve shared some of those pointers, too, in this post on wedding night tips!
But in the meantime, I’m sitting here, 26 years to the day that I was married, and while I still mourn a little bit for that scared girl, I’m so grateful that things really do get better with time!
So let’s start changing this conversation! Let’s stop talking “up” the wedding night so much, and instead start talking “up” the journey that the couple will start. The night doesn’t have to be amazing fireworks; just being together is wonderful. And things will keep getting better!
Previous Posts on how Sex Should Be Mutual:
We Need a New Definition of Sex (that’s mutual!)
Did you have an awful wedding night, or a great one? Let’s talk about it in the comments! (And if you had an awful one, please share! For such a long time I thought I was the only one who “failed” on her wedding night. Let’s change that conversation!)
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
Great approach, Sheila! One of the things I’ve told women is that even if you have sex just once a week in the course of your marriage, you’d still have sex over a thousand times. A thousand. Which means any one experience isn’t the be-all-end-all.
Knowing that, I hope we can relax if one or two or sixteen times don’t go all that well. The beauty of sex in marriage is that we have a lifetime to learn about each other’s bodies and gain some know-how that helps us both experience pleasure and intimacy.
Exactly! It really does get better with time. And really, the fun of just discovering married life together is enough on its own.
Disaster here. We were both virgins and had high expectations. I was so nervous and tense, however, that everything was very painful and we gave up trying intercourse until the next night. I was so disappointed with myself.
I think that’s the worst part–that we get disappointed in ourselves. I certainly was! And that’s what I want to spare other women from. It’s okay if it doesn’t start well–it will get better!
Oh, where to start! 😂🤦🏼♀️ When I found out that my soon-to-be husband had booked our wedding night stay, I asked if we could stay somewhere “more romantic” since it was our wedding night and there were no plans for any honeymoon (we were virgins and because of strict purity culture we had never had a date alone other than getting marriage license – we got to know each other by talking on the phone so he thought just being together would be special enough). So he surprised me with a night at a Super 8 (double full-bed room). Lol. I didn’t realize “romantic” didn’t mean the same thing to both of us.
So we got to our room and undressed. I hadn’t been taught what making love was or about my body… I just knew that my body was my husbands. So I was a bit nervous. I had been told that it would be wrong of me to read any books about physical relations until the day before our wedding…and I had just been too busy! My dad had pornography habits though, and I had accidentally seen some of his stuff but there was huge disconnect. It was kind of confusing and I was scared!
My sweetheart was gentle but we couldn’t actually make sex work for several days…and when we did I blacked out from the pain. Things thankfully got better after several years thanks to your book and me feeling free to talk with him about sex (I had been told it was very damaging to tell him anything that might be negative sounding… but he really wanted to know and was shocked that I had been told that! And very sad that I had been silently hurting.)
I’m thankful that things are SO much better. But the first five years were suuuuch a mess. 🙂
Oh, Beth, I’m so sorry that things were so rough for so long! (they were for me, too!). But I’m also so glad that I could help you. And I’m glad things are good now! 🙂
I thought I was the only one for a while. Thankfully, four growing, learning, precious years later, I’ve found out that I’m not, and it does get way better. Thanks for sharing; it means a lot.
I know! Isn’t it funny how we assume that everyone else is doing great–when really we’re all in the same boat?
Unfortunately, I didn’t wait for my wedding night (but I don’t have too many regrets because it was my now husband and we are still married-many years later!!) and honestly I don’t even remember if I had an orgasm (I probably did as it used to be very easy for me) BUT what I do remember is that I felt sooo incredibly safe and right. I noticed a difference immediately in that sense. And not having to get up and have him take me home afterwards.
Fireworks are great, but knowing you’re married and actually loved and safe….even better.
Amen! I love that!
You absolutely DID succeed with “Good Girl’s Guide!” Growing up in a house that didn’t speak about sex and a church that only spoke about it to explain why you shouldn’t have it, your book was the most encouraging thing I read pre-wedding night.
(And I must not be alone, since I was gifted two additional copies from married girlfriends after I bought it myself…)
That’s too FUNNY, Chelsea! I’m so glad it helped you! 🙂
I echo C: Our first night together felt sooo incredibly safe and right. I was a virgin and in my early 30s, and honestly everything was just as I’d expected (actually, better). BUT, my expectations were reasonable. When I got engaged (6 months before we married), I found your blog and J’s blog and ready everything I could about God’s design for marriage, the wedding night, reasonable expectations, etc. And, we talked about everything that was appropriate to discuss prior to marriage. Then, we had a very simple and morning (brunch) wedding. I was not stressed (my mom and sister and the wedding coordinator handled anything–if there even was anything to handle), and we weren’t leaving for our honeymoon until the next day. That meant that we were able to leave whenever we were ready from the reception and not be super tired. We went back to the house that we’d bought earlier in the year that I’d been living in and that we’d moved his stuff (but not him) into the weekend before, and just enjoyed each other. I did experience “fireworks” that first night, partly because I married a man who is more than willing to be patient, take care of me, and figure out what we both need, together.
I am so thankful now (as I was then) that my expectations have been realistic. We had sex every day on our honeymoon, but now (1.5 years in) we average every 2-4 days (12-15x/month) and I would say I have the higher drive. But part of that is because his job is physical, outside in the hot or cold, and more than 40h a week. We have made it work for US, and sex is great every time because it’s us being together. I orgasm perhaps 1 out of 3 times, which I’m also happy to know is normal for women and he doesn’t pressure me to get there nor put pressure or shame on himself when I can’t. Attitude plays a HUGE role in pleasure.
That’s amazing, KJ! And that’s EXACTLY why I wrote the book–to help women BEFORE they get married so they can avoid the mistakes and disappointment I did, and I’m so glad I helped you with that (although it’s also a great book for women who are already married!). And that’s awesome that your marriage rocks. 🙂
I had a very untypical wedding night to the point I’m not even sure I had one. I actually had two wedding ceremonies – about five months apart. I had a civil service overseas. Many of my Christian in-laws were very clear that we were *not* married in their eyes since our ceremony hadn’t been in a church (although my immediate in-laws considered us married). And my husband and I actually spent the first month of our married life apart. When we moved to the U.S. a little over two months into marriage we moved in with my (also Christian) parents at first and they definitely considered us married – we shared a room in their house. I had wanted to save my “official” wedding night for after our church wedding with the white dress in the U.S. but that was a bit challenging, particularly for my husband, since we were sharing a bed already. So in the end we compromised when we got some time away from my parents’ place shortly before the church wedding. I definitely would *not* recommend going this route. I think it may have contributed to some challenges we faced. Thank goodness for the truth that it can get so much better! But I must have been obnoxiously well-read because I never had the idea that the first night was supposed to be so wonderful. I’d already found all sorts of books (no helpful internet – at least that I had access to – back in those dark ages) that made it very clear that there was a learning curve. And I honestly don’t remember the exact details of that night, but I don’t have a sense of disappointment attached to it. Though I suppose in some sense I’d had a very loooooonnnng warm-up getting used to being physically close to my husband during those previous two or three months.
I still sometimes struggle to believe that there are really people out there who think everything will work perfectly the first time, but your post is a good reminder that obviously this is a very real occurrence. Thank you for helping to prepare women realistically!
Great. And I was a virgin. Perhaps its because I had no expectations (it’s the way I typically live my life) and I’m married to a smart man.
The conversation definitely needs to change it’s why I’m writing my first book on marriage.
Merry Christmas to you and yours.
We did not have sex on our wedding night or honeymoon because I was on my period! I was so disappointed. We did enjoy exploring each other though. We actually did not have successful PIV until a couple months down the road. I have physical disabilities that made my muscles too tense to allow him inside. With trial and error, we figured out that him stimulating me to orgasm allowed me to relax enough for penetration. We have been married for 2 years and still struggle sometimes to have sex that’s enjoyable for us both.
I hated my wedding night. We’ve been married for 1 1/2 and I still mourn over it. Technically I was raped. I didn’t want to have sex, but he pushed and begged me for it. I kick myself for not pushing back more but then I was naive and didn’t know that I could even say no. It was such a huge disappointment. I did not feel beautiful or loved. To this day I still can’t even just get aroused. I just pray that it will just turn out ok someday.
We actually had a great wedding night. And not because I climaxed. It took a few days for me to get there. We were both virgins and my husband told me before the wedding that there was no pressure. That he would wait two days or two weeks if he needed to. I knew he meant it and I knew I would be in control of what happened and how far it went which gave me the freedom to relax. We ended up having sex a couple times that night and it was awesome. I wouldn’t change a thing about our first night. I’ve told other guys if they want to make their bride feel as safe and as loved as my husband did to follow his example.
Our wedding night was definitely not a night of anyone’s dreams! We discovered upon arrival at our “hotel room” that it was actually a shared house, like a bed and breakfast. I burst into tears and we ended up going back to the apartment that my husband had already been living in.
I spent the rest of the night still crying because I was SO stressed out about my first time, plus we’d just had the most exciting and overstimulating day of my life (and then the unpleasant surprise of the accommodations we’d booked!) My husband was so gracious and patient, and we later had a wedding night “do over”, but looking back I should have known I would be a disaster after such a long, exhausting day and should have suggested we at least wait until I’d recovered with a good sleep. 😀
My wedding night was not fun. I actually did read your book, so I thought I knew what to expect. I remember even trying to stretch things out with my finger in the weeks leading up to the wedding to try to make it easier, since I’d never had much luck with tampons and I was a 32 year old virgin. Technically, we didn’t have sex at all, because penetration was so excruciating for me that we gave up after 2 tries. (It took 2 more attempts later that week.) My husband was really sweet about it, and we ended up just cuddling in the Jacuzzi style tub that our room had before going to bed. Still, I ended up crying alone in the bathroom around 4 am that night because I was so devastated that this was what I’d waited years past most of my friends for. If I ever manage to beat this vaginismus, I definitely want a wedding night do over.
Our wedding night was not the best night we’ve ever had, but it was the best first time! (We’re very grateful that we were both virgins.)
We had great premarital counseling and our counselor had suggested that this be our expectation. It helped give us a realistic idea of our wedding night.
I’d basically sum up my approach to this topic by saying each spouse should be totally willing and prepared to serve the other on the wedding night. Thats how marriage works, really! Both spouses looking for ways to serve the other.
I don’t think its a one sided deal where its on the man to wait and wait and wait indefinitely…its also not one sided where the wife has to allow intercourse ASAP.
So generally speaking and assuming the goal is intercourse on or very soon after the wedding night, the wife should try her best to be prepared emotionally and physically to consumate the marriage on the wedding night. And the husband should try his best to be prepared emotionally and physically to wait as long as it takes for his wife to be able to consumate.
Does this make sense? 🙂
One other thing that helped greatly for me to calm my nerves and self consciousness even though I was really looking forward to sex, was to fully trust my husband when he told me I was totally beautiful. Its really sad that not every wife has a gentle affirming husband, but in my case I knew my husband was physically attracted to me and that he is very gentle towards me. I am also so thankful that God wired my husband to not notice my flaws or atleast not see them as such. 🙂
I think why our wedding night was the best first time for me was I had reasons to believe that I could be completely safe and vulnerable with my man and since then he has always proven himself to be true.
I love that, L! And it totally makes sense to me! Sounds like you had some great advice!
My wedding night was good – we had decided beforehand to not have any pressure to have intercourse because we were aware it might be difficult, but we both thoroughly enjoyed the night!
Aweesome, Rachel! I’m so glad.
We didn’t have sex on our wedding night because I was finishing up my period, but we still enjoyed a gorgeous hotel room right on the beach and a lovely dinner in.
The next day we had sex for the first time and when it was over I thought, “That’s it?? It hurt and I didn’t enjoy it at all and this is what I will be doing for the rest of my life?!” We went to a drugstore and bought some lube and the next try was much more comfortable.
Now our sex life is wonderful! We have learned the things both of us need and are connecting like never before. My main issue was being able to just relax and focus on the pleasure that was happening and not my expected response to that pleasure, if that makes any sense. My husband wasn’t pressuring me to respond in a certain way at all but I was pressuring myself. Now I am able to just savor the experience and let nature take its course… such a beautiful way to connect with my beloved!
My husband and I were both virgins on our wedding night and had only limited physical contact during our relationship, so I was extremely nervous about the whole “physical intimacy” thing. I knew sex was God’s beautiful design in a marriage relationship but I was afraid of the awkwardness and that it might hurt.
I purposely left my wedding dress on until we got to the hotel, and asked my husband to help me out of it. I knew if I went to the bathroom to change by myself, I’d emerge in fuzzy pants, sweatshirt, bathrobe, and probably a ski mask for good measure!😀
We spent some time with me leaning against him while he took out the HUNDREDS of bobby pins in my hair, getting used to skin contact. Then, I somehow got up the nerve to suggest that we shower together! I think he was rather shocked, but quite willing! I really would recommend doing that together first, because the hot water relaxed us, and shampooing, soaping, and towel drying each other let us adjust to being so vulnerable without immediately trying to have sex.
Unfortunately, sex did hurt terribly for me, both when we tried that night, and during multiple attempts on our honeymoon. I was tempted to feel like a failure, but my husband told me to be patient and just have fun together. I think he was simply thrilled that I was trying so hard, since the guys at work had warned him that their wives all hated sex! I listened to him, and we were finally successful at going all the way on our last day. I only have wonderful memories of that time because he used our struggle to come together physically, to express a sympathy and care that brought us closer together emotionally. And sex finally stopped hurting after a few months!🙌
PS. I love your blog, Sheila! I read it every morning while I’m nursing my 3 month old! 😀
Our wedding night was full of exploring each other’s bodies but no sex because I was finishing my period. When we attempted the next day it was so painful that we gave up. Then I came down with some kind of bug and was terribly sick for most of our honeymoon. We didn’t succeed in having sex until one week after our wedding when we returned home. Our wedding night was sweet and we have good memories. Our honeymoon was terrible but is funny now. Thankfully we figured things out and don’t have issues anymore.
I wouldn’t want to call mine a disaster because I feel that even the disappointment has been turned by God into a blessing. I had vaginismus ( I only learnt it was called that when I stumbled across your blog recently) and we both ended up crying and getting barely any sleep. I realised with hindsight shortly afterwards that I had been too tired, too tense and we had rushed things. We had tried to be sensible with the wedding and make sure the day didn’t last too long but you just don’t realise beforehand how much it will take out of you. I was thankful to God at the time that he kept us safe the next day when my exhausted husband drove to our honeymoon destination. I was also grateful for how loving and understanding he was. Our honeymoon was lovely despite the difficulties because I felt we were being drawn closer to each other rather than apart by the problem. Gradually things improved but I still had physical issues which effected my libido in our early marriage. I later learnt I have a very reverted cervix which I know now is the reason why I felt like ” I didn’t work properly”. My husband understood back then, without me being able to say, how it was all making me feel. He knew I loved him and I knew he loved me so we felt secure despite the struggles. I hadn’t expected fireworks right away, I knew it took time but I had never thought it would take so long or be so difficult. I am sure if I knew back then what I do now it would have been easier. As you say Sheila it is a journey and I think this journey has taught me valuable things so I don’t think I would go back and change things. After 11 years of marriage, it is the best it has ever been, it just took time for me to understand my body and also for my mind to be in the right place. We are “fearfully and wonderfully made” and sometimes that means we don’t make a lot of sense to ourselves. You are helping women Sheila understand that they are normal when they feel anything but.
Terrible wedding night for me. I started coming down with a cold, which wasn’t fun, but mostly what I remember was how painful penetration was for me. We didn’t know anything about arousal or lube, so I was trying to shove it in with almost no preparation. I was bleeding a little after sex for days (not my period), and it took weeks before it was at all pleasurable. For years I tried hard to satisfy him, but I was never satisfied. After eight years I finally figured out on my own how to climax, but I can’t do it with him. He doesn’t connect with me and doesn’t enjoy the kind of touch I need. Now we’ve been married ten years and I don’t know if it will ever get better.
I remember being taught by my mother that in sex with my future husband someday, if something hurts, don’t say anything and try to act like you’re having a good time or else you might make your husband feel like less of a man, if he feels he can’t please you.
It made me wonder, is it really wrong to communicate either verbally or non-verbally if you feel discomfort at all?
I understand not making a huge deal about things, if they’re not entirely comfortable at first. Like I definitely wouldn’t accuse my future spouse of “doing it wrong”. I wouldn’t want to make my future husband feel like a failure, but at the same time- I feel like communication is the most important part of sex and intimacy.
Absolutely it is! I don’t think your mother was right about that one!
Speaking as a man with a wonderful marriage, please speak up. Tell him what feels good and when it doesn’t. Tell him if it hurts and you need to stop. If he loves you, then it won’t be a burden. If you are worried, then talk with him about it before you get to your hotel room.
Ours wasn’t a disaster, but but it was still nothing like what we had dreamed of and nothing like what we have now, but it set the pattern for care and communication that have become a staple of our marriage.
And when she has a good time, I have a good time!
I appreciate both Sheila and you responses to my comment! It’s refreshing to hear from a male perspective, that you’d much rather your wife communicate what she likes, than have her grit her teeth through any discomfort.
I think it’s important to communicate; otherwise I think you are actually depriving your husband of the opportunity to please you. You’re putting him and yourself at a disadvantage. Sex often hurt for me in the first year but I was honest about it. (He didn’t exactly get his feelings hurt when I said his penis was so big it was painful for me, lol. It’s all about how you say it!) Now our sex life is mutually wonderful after much trial and error.
My wedding night went like this. After a beautiful wedding, we went to a local hotel near the airport with a full suite, because in the morning we were flying out to the carribean islands. I showered first, and then waited for her. When she was done, she came out in beautiful lingerie, that she still fits in by the way, and said,
“I’m tired, I know you are tired, so why don’t we just not worry about sex tonight and get some sleep since we have to fly out in the morning?”
And then promptly turned on the ball game, grabbed a word search, and did it til 11pm and ignored me. Bright side: the local MLB team won.
At that point I should’ve know what i was in for and did something. But here we are 25 years later and at the same point.
So when does it get better?
Let me give you some validation here: if she is continually refusing to have sex with you, that is wrong. She is wronging you. Marriage is a sexual relationship.
Now, I don’t want to paint your wife as evil. Something really bad could have happened in her youth to make her so averse to sex. It’s not normal for a new bride to be completely disinterested like that. She probably loves you, but she is suppressing her sexual nature and she needs help.
Regardless of her motivation, this is deeply, deeply wrong, and you need to do something about it, or else the change you want will never take place.
(I usually don’t respond on blogs but your comment deeply distressed me. I can’t imagine doing that to my husband. I will pray for y’all.)
We celebrated OUR 26th anniversary on December 21st as well! I can agree 💯 that it DOES get better! I’m still floating on cloud nine from the surprise trip my husband took me on our anniversary!
Oh, how fun! That’s too funny that we were married on the same day! We had a ton of snow up here on our wedding day. Hope you had better weather!
What is your advice for a woman whose spouse refused her on the wedding night and all the nights that have followed? I have been married a year and I am still a virgin. I have tried initiating like your other post suggested and got turned down. I know you said maybe it’s work stress, but his job is fairly low key. Even when he had no job he refused me.
Betty, that’s very, very strange. That is totally not normal. I think I would insist that he speak to a counsellor, and if he refuses, then I would seek some counsel myself. Basically that means that he hasn’t consummated the marriage, and the most likely reasons are either homosexuality or some real psychological issues. I’m so sorry that you’re walking through this. I’m sure it’s not what you ever expected in your wildest nightmares, but I hope that you can find some help!
I wouldn’t say ours was a disaster. We had an afternoon wedding left the party around 6 or 7 pm and drove a short distance to a very nice hotel. We did some yoga, had some wedding food people packed for us and then we had a shower together. It hurt quite a bit the first time. Even with recommended stretching exercises and practicing inserting a diaphragm before hand. I was older. But I and had read both your book, Intended for Pleasure, your blog, J’s blog, intimacy uncovered and some of the marriage bed site before. So I was not expecting much.
It was nice to not have to go home and not have the sexual tension anymore. 4.5 years is a long time to be dating/ engaged (we waited).
It got better after the wedding night, but I didn’t have my first orgasm until shortly before our second anniversary. It’s still getting better 🙂
I was overly nervous because I was a virgin and he wasn’t. I knew the first time would be for learning, but I felt he’d be comparing me to what he had in a former long term girlfriend where they had already figured it all out. I was a novice competing with experience. I wished so much he was a virgin too so we could discover stuff together. I should have just been more open and honest.
My wedding night was nothing and nothing was what I got for the first 363 days. It was day 364 that I threatened annulment before my bride reluctantly allowed it. It was a warning sign I should have taken more seriously. Because after 7 years of celibacy because of one nights weakness I still maintain my vowels. I will bcelebrating 8 years of marriage with my celibant wife in May.
Mark, I’m so sorry, and that is just not right. I think you need to insist that she see a counsellor or get some help. This really can’t go on. I do have a post about sexless marriages–the roles are reversed, but I do hope it helps.
I’ve done all that I can do. I can’t find any Christian willing to fulfill the requirements of scripture by being an accountability partner, so an intervention is out of the picture. When our child is old enough I’m leaving.
I don’t know exactly what your going through (I am obviously a woman), but I am kinda in the same situation. I am trying to figure out why my husband has refused to consumate for the past year. He won’t give a reason that makes sense (who has ever met a guy *that* tired for 365 days in a row!) I guess I am asking, did you ever get an answer as to why?
So my husband and I had a major wedding night disaster. I was charting my cycles for FAM and our wedding night fell on one of my potentially fertile days. The plan was to use a sponge and spermicide. I put the sponge in and we made our first attempt at intercourse. It didn’t work, but afterwards I couldn’t find the sponge! He tried to help me but he couldn’t find it either! (Not exactly how I imagined him exploring my body for the first time.) I started panicking and crying and worried that our wedding night would turn into an ER visit! Luckily we had a Jacuzzi in our suite and I was able to get into the water and finally got the sponge out when it absorbed water and got heavy. We finally decided to forego the sponge and just use spermicide and were successful with our next attempt at lovemaking (and luckily our attempts at avoiding a honeymoon baby.) So many lessons learned. But I don’t think I would go back and change it.
Oh, dear! That’s too funny–and too awful. I’m glad it’s got better!
My wedding night has caused so much anxiety in my life. I was very excited to be married, and we were both virgins. We got to our hotel room, between the luncheon and reception, and I just jumped on him, and climaxed so fast! I laid down thinking he was fine, but nope! He was staring at me in disbelief, and bewilderment since he didn’t climax! We had to go to our reception, and I just cried. I felt terrible that I ruined our first time, and it took less than 5 minutes. I haven’t ever masturbated, and neither had he, there was no PIV the first time, and I called my dad on my honeymoon from embarrassment because I didn’t know women don’t climax every time. :/ We’ve been married 5 years with 3 kids, and I’m just trying to work through all the baggage that it’s brought. I’m constantly worrying about him and his pleasure that it makes it really hard to enjoy. I don’t want to repeat the same thing from our wedding! I wish sometimes I had the opposite experience where he got to climax and I didn’t. Sometimes it seems it would be easier!