A while ago, author Harold Arnold asked, “what is your marriage in six words?”
The challenge is based on this book. I thought today, for Wifey Wednesday, I’d issue that challenge to you!
Tomorrow is my anniversary, and Keith and I are heading to Kingston to spend the night and the next day, since that’s where we met and married. And it got me thinking about what life was like back then, and what it is now.
Harold wrote this about his marriage:
“Myopic start succumbed to purposeful pursuit”
I tried, and came up with this:
“Everyday learn it’s not about me.”
I suppose that’s true, but I don’t really like it. It makes it sound like marriage is a downer. And while I’m not at the centre of the marriage, I still am there. That one sounds a little to Christianese to me, and I don’t like pat answers.
So I tried again, and got this:
“Chased God. Then chased each other.”
I kind of like that one. See, when Keith and I first met we were just simply good friends. For about a year and a half we knew each other, but nothing romantic happened. We did a lot of Bible study together. We talked theology and spiritual stuff galore. And in getting to know his spiritual side I really became attracted to him as a whole person. That’s when we started dating.
And yes, then we chased each other.
But in marriage it wasn’t always a happy chase.
Our first few years were tough, and if I picture it now, it’s more like chasing like this:
We’re trying to rope him in, get him to do what we need, get him to change.
And he’s doing the same thing on his end.
I’ve written in all of my books, but especially 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, about how hard the first few years were when I was trying to get Keith to understand me, but at the same time not realizing that I was failing to understand him. I still loved him, but it often felt like there was this great chasm between us. I’d chase him, but hit an obstacle and couldn’t quite catch him.
We would reach for each other at different times, but we couldn’t quite get there.
And the journey was perilous. If we ever brought up our needs, or tried to bring the other closer, we’d feel like we were falling and losing everything.
The problem was that we felt like there was nothing solid between us.
Individually we were on solid ground. We certainly loved God, and we still knew we loved each other. But our relationship wasn’t on solid ground because we could only see our own perspective.
I knew I was a good person, and I knew my needs were legitimate. I also knew that Keith was a good person, and that his needs were legitimate. But we just couldn’t meet in the middle, because we couldn’t give up our needs. How can you do that? Your needs are your needs, right? Are you supposed to say they didn’t matter?
What I was missing was that piece in the middle.
I needed to understand that I wasn’t seeing the whole picture. In my case, sex was really difficult and awkward and uncomfortable. And he needed it all the time. That’s how he felt love. I understood that this was real for him, but why did I have to feel so awkward for him to feel love? How could that even be true or fair?
It was only when I took a step back and realized, “If God made sex to be something wonderful, and it isn’t wonderful in my case, then maybe I need to figure out how to make it wonderful.” I had to step back from my own feelings and turn to the truth I knew that was real. God loved me. God made marriage. God made sex. Why would I want to miss out on that? (I wrote more about that mental journey and changing my perspective on sex).
Our marriage has gone through other challenges. Keith has spent a lot of time chasing me, trying to get me to see that sometimes he’s hurting, and I find it hard to hear that. To me, if he’s hurting, then I’m doing something wrong. I don’t like thinking I’m in the wrong. And if he’s hurting he may leave. And I have rejection issues. So what I’ll do instead is try to convince him that he has no reason to be hurt!
Yeah, like that works.
Again, what was missing was that piece between us–that God piece where God comes and heals some of the insecurities Keith has, and also heals some of that rejection I have, so that Keith doesn’t react so badly to things, but I also don’t view each problem as a possible rejection.
We chased each other out of desperation so much early in our marriage, but we couldn’t quite catch each other.
And that’s because we didn’t have that solid God-piece between us–that piece where Truth reigns, where we believe God’s promises, where we allow God to heal even the deepest parts of our souls.
And today, 26 years in, we’ve allowed God to occupy that chasm between us much more. He hasn’t totally filled it yet; I think that can only happen in Paradise. But now, when we chase each other, it’s not because we’re desperate to have the other person fill something in us.
It’s because we’re happy, and we’re doing well, and life is exciting and we want to run alongside each other, like this (although they’re young and we’re old!)
So here we are.
We chased God, and then we chased each other.
And I’m glad we caught each other, too.
What’s your marriage in 6 words? Leave it in the comments!
And I’ll choose a random winner on Boxing Day to get a library of my downloadable marriage resources, worth $50. (You’ll get to choose which ones if you win!)
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Teamwork: live, laugh, love, play together.
I’m pretty simple and we definitely aren’t perfect, but we have found that Team Jones is so much stronger than either of us separately or both of us when we’re not on the same page. Then you add that third strand (God) and we’re exponentially stronger.
“Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12
Oh, I love it, KJ! We’re definitely supposed to be a team. That’s how it works best!
I love how you referenced the verse in Ecclesiastes! That verse is one that I treasure, because when I had my premarital physical (almost 15 years ago) my physician shared it with me. He even drew a little diagram on a sheet of paper to illustrate how God would make my upcoming marriage stronger if I would keep Him in the midst of it.
Thank you for the sweet trip down memory lane!
Uh, 6 words…that is ahard task. But this probably is true right now in those 8 years of baby & toddlerhood and being outnumbered by tiny humans:
Creative love making in every break 😉
Love it! 🙂
“Not all who wander are lost.”
Okay, I adapted it from Tolkien. But it fits both literally (we have lived or temporarily stayed in like 8-10 different homes in 5 years of marriage) and figuratively (our life paths seems to emerge haphazardly yet we always get confirmation of God’s will in the chaos).
And also spiritually: we have really struggled to feel alive and growing in God since our marriage. But we know Whose we are, and we trust that He will work in us in His time.
That’s beautiful, Susanna!
Deeper honesty, closer together, physically &spiritually
Ok, ok, I know the “&” sign may be a word. LOL . But this past year committing to a deeper level of honesty where I finally let my walls down and share my heart has changed our marriage for the better. For years, I let pain – physical and emotional – creep in between us and I didn’t know how to share that. In turn, our marriage was struggling even though we didn’t want to admit it.
But as I sought help, and learned how to share and communicate better…my walls have been replaced by fields of pleasure and intimacy. Our love for each has increased exponentially and our marriage is stronger today than it was a year ago. Or even 14.5 years ago when we got married.
I love that! (And I’ll give you a pass for the &. 🙂 ). I love it when walls come down!
“Frontiers unite those seeking emotional growth”
There were several big frontiers in our marriage. We are from different countries, which made things hard at times, due to the cultural differences. But it actually made us think about these cultural differences and made us question what is wrong and what is right, it made us look for our own way instead of blindly copying.
We are also of different churches: I am Catholic and he is Orthodox. I was worried about that at first, but it lead to very interesting and enriching discussions for both of us.
Our age gap was another frontier… Our families did not approve of our marriage, as he is much younger than me. A frontier such as that one exacerbates all problems, makes everything more difficult. But it also brought us closer together, as we had to rely on each other to validate our love and to find support.
My husband’s problems with porn, and the trust issues that that created, were another frontier. But it lead him to pursue purity and honesty that are rare in this day and age, and that I appreciate.
What a great story! May you continue to grow together.
We have been graced by Grace
Love it!
Leaning on one another upon God.
Our marriage hasn’t always been great. I’m a slave to emotions, sex has been a major challenge (slowly improving! ), financial struggles, miscarriage, and I don’t even remember what else. Through it we lean on one another to be our solid place when the other is struggling, and in that time we are trying to lean more and more on God as we lean on one another.
God’s amazing grace in His timing.
I’ve only been married for two months now, so this says a little more about our relationship before my husband and I were married, but it’s still true now.
Waiting for God to bring someone into my life seemed to take a long time (it only seemed to, I’m still in my early 20’s), but just when I surrendered to God about my singleness, while serving with a rural home missionary family in the middle of nowhere, God brought a young man into my life and a year later we got married. And my husband was in a similar place before we met, learning to trust God about who he should marry.
And everyday I’m reminded how much I need God’s grace and to rest in Him. And I’m so thankful for the wonderful husband He’s given me.
“What a beautiful piece of heartache” – This is the first line of “our song” and the song that was being sung at a concert in a corn field on a beautiful summer evening when I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with my husband. He had been pursuing me for ten months but I knew I was saying yes to marrying him when I said yes to dating him so it took me a while. Although ten months isn’t really very long and we were married ten months later. We just celebrated 20 years and it has been a beautiful piece of heartache but in a wonderful way. Love is full of beauty and tears and both together are what make a life. We’ve embraced it all and have grown stronger in our love for each other and for God.
That’s beautiful! That’s what my youngest daughter felt, too–if she was saying yes to dating him, she was saying yes to marrying him. They’ll be married one day to the year that they started dating. I hope they can have your testimony at 20 years, too!
My mother tongue is swedish, therfore I choose my six words in swedish: Höjder och dalar – i Guds hand.
In english it will be: Uphill and downhill – in God’s hand.
When our daughter was in hospital and later died we used to sign every update for family and friends “In God’s hand “. It has become important to us to receive joys as well as sorrows from God’s hand. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the hardship is meaningful. But when we stumble and fall we can lean into God. Leaning into each other is helpful but not enough. In times of great hardship we need to lean into God.
So very true Heidi!Without His grace where would we be?God bless you and your family
Disaster. Both Found God! Success story.
I love it!
Best friends and spouses in recovery.
Our marriage has had it’s ups and downs. But my husband’s 6 months in jail (including the date of our 2nd anniversary) And five years of probation with both of us getting back on track with God and starting in Celebrate Recovery made us closer than ever and more dependent on God. We continue to grow together as we come close to 10 years of marriage and raise our 2 boys (6 and 1) according to God’s principles and priorities to the best of our ability.
That’s wonderful, Rachel!
“Learning and growing as we love. ”
We both love God and love each other. It amazes me how we continue to learn about ourselves and each other as we go along. The ebbs and flows and life struggles and becoming more open/vocal about what we each need…we’ve grown closer with it all. This 10 th year of our marriage is possibly been the most passionate yet.
Close, distant, so much work.
Oh, I’m sorry! I would have said that at one time, too. I pray that you will have a different 6 words in years to come!
Discovering our story day by day.
High School Sweethearts Continuing Love’s Journey.
We celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary in October of this year. While we met in high school, we dated 6 1/2 years before we got married so we had a long time to sort so many things out while we were still growing up.
That’s obviously the short version and sounds like such a fairy tale when it’s just put into those 6 words, but we don’t know too many people who can say they married (and stayed married) to their high school sweetheart. Of course it’s to God’s glory!
Learn, Fight, Forgive, Grace, Forgive, Love
My Proverbs 31 wife, Lisa, just summed up our marriage with:
“Spending eternity with my best friend!”
We have kids; so we stay
Oh, that’s tough, Erin! I’m sorry.
Hmm, my six words will have be on the down side. I have two versions, the other one trying to be a bit more positive. First, “Run til he catches – still running.” And then, “After everything, still just friends.” I’ve loved your website, your advice, your balanced outlook on what Christian marriage looks like. But it’s mostly all to no avail when one part of the team has Asperger’s, which we’ve only recently discovered. Still trying to readjust expectations.
Laura, I really think my husband has Asberger’s. Waiting on the diagnosis from a psychologist. I agree that all the marriage advice just doesn’t seem to work.
Hi Erin and Laura,
I just wanted to say thanks for sharing. We suspect that I have Aspergers and until you made the connection I never thought about how it might affect our marriage. Sometimes I say to my husband that I feel I am not a proper wife because I can’t give the balanced Christian marriage that we all aim for and he says “forget what other couples are like, forget what you think a woman should be – it’s just you, me and God.”
I’m really sorry for the struggle you’re going through but I think your insight might help my own marriage so thank you for that. If you have any advice for me that you don’t mind sharing in a public forum, I’d really appreciate it. I struggle to see it from the other side.
Hi Naomi,
We’re learning that couples coping with AS have to play by a different set of rules. Standard marriage counselling doesn’t work for someone who may have all the best intentions, but at some level, cannot understand some aspects of a deep emotional connection. It’s like being colour-blind — you can appreciate the composition and some of the tonal variations of a painting, but you won’t get the full impact of the colour. You can learn that certain tones mean certain colours, and you can learn to talk about lhe painting in terms that typical people use, but it won’t draw you, you won’t long for it in the same way a normally sighted person might.
An AS and NT (neurotypical) couple need, more than most couples, to explore, and adjust, needs and expectations. I believe that the greater responsibility for adjustment and accommodations will fall on the NT partner, especially if the AS person has difficulty recognising his or her differences and needs. Naomi, your husband is a gem! He is willing to accept you for exactly who you are, regardless of expectations, just like his Father in Heaven. 🙂
That being said, it wouldn’t hurt to check out some support sites for help with dealing with marriage in an AS situation. Your mileage may vary – some are better than others. But they will help make you aware of issues you may need to address. And don’t give up on Sheila’s advice. Depending on how AS manifests for you, some advice may be more difficult to follow. But it can at least point you in a good direction, and you and your husband can make adjustments as needed. God Bless
Thanks so much for that helpful comment, Laura! I appreciate it when my readers help each other.
Oh, Laura, that’s so tough! I think my father had Asperger’s, too, which is one reason I never really connected with him. I’m sorry.
Our activity tonight was coming up with six words 🙂
His was: Ministering Together Makes for Amazing Marriage (we’re missionaries).
Mine was something along the lines of Unconditional Love Makes for Amazing Marriage as both his and God’s unflinching love has been incredible and is slowly slowly changing my view of myself.
$50 to your online store would be a dream come true 🙂
Oh, I love that! And how cute that you turned it into something to do with him! 🙂
Trust, seek, find. Nothing else matters.
So, stick with me here: Yes, it’s from a Metallica song, but in our context, it’s scarily accurate. I’ve had trust issues as long as I can remember, so when I became a Christian, I had no idea how to trust God, just that I needed to. After getting married, my husband has been nothing but trustworthy, but it’s still been difficult to trust him. After multiple “God-things” (modern-day miracles?), my job led me across the country while he stayed put for school. It was the longest 8 months of my life, but the time has taught me to trust and seek God, as well as trusting and seeking my husband. In learning to trust and seek my husband, I can appreciate him so much more. When we trust each other in trusting God, we will find Him. And if we are both together in seeking God, nothing else matters.
Good friends enjoying union with Christ.
Earned trust. Honest caring. Always growing.
Best friends, growing pains, seeking jesus
And thank goodness he isn’t finished with us yet!
Sexless for decades, but still hoping..
Walls built-marriage shattered-rebuilt stronger.
….the marriage is rebuilt stronger, that is, and the walls are down for good. A lot of thanks to you Sheila! Your words have taught me so much that helped us out of a hopeless situation. I wish I had known all of it from the beginning and saved so much heartache, but God brings about all things for good and helps us the whole way. Cliche but true!
The hardest most rewarding beautiful mess!