Recovering from a porn addiction really can’t be done alone.

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I’ve spent the last week planning out my blog posts for December and January, and I realized late yesterday that a lot of them are really heavy topics (maybe that’s because I get a lot of sad reader questions around Christmas?). And this is sort of odd, because I’m actually in a rather happy place in my life right now! We’re busy planning Katie’s wedding for February (I finished knitting her wedding shawl last night!), and we’re looking forward to having both girls and their significant others home at Christmas.

So I thought–let’s try to write more happy posts!

And then I saw an email about a special online porn recovery summit. And I thought, “should I share about this?” “Is this too depressing?”

I went back and forth and drank a few cups of tea and knit a few more rows on the shawl, and then decided that even if it seemed like a bit of a downer, it was important to let you know about.

Because you know what? Porn does not have to be the end of the story. In fact, you could actually have a very HAPPY ending if you deal with the porn addiction in the right way!

[clickToTweet tweet=”Pornography does not have to be the end of your marriage. So many have broken free! Learn how.” quote=”Pornography does not have to be the end of your marriage. So many have broken free! Learn how.”]

Every morning I wake up to a whole bunch of new sad comments that come into this blog overnight, mostly on older posts that still get a lot of traffic. And many of those are stories about guys using porn, and women who are absolutely heartbroken and at their wit’s end. They desperately want this to stop, but he doesn’t seem bothered by it.

And one of the common themes in these emails is that they’re trying to battle porn alone.

You can’t do that.

You Need Help to Defeat a Porn Addiction: You can't deal with it alone. If your husband uses porn, here's a unique online summit to help you break free!

Here’s what often happens: she catches him watching porn. He apologizes profusely. He promises to never do it again. She feels uncomfortable, and wonders how she can trust him, but what else can she do? So they plod along, and a few months later she finds he never stopped. She confronts him again. He apologizes again. And the cycle starts–all over again.

A porn habit is a horrible one that is very difficult to break. For many porn users, the pull is intense. It’s how they deal with stress. It’s more exciting than cocaine. And it seriously wrecks your libido and your ability to perform sexually in marriage, because it rewires the brain so that what’s attractive is an image or a fantasy rather than a person.

So how does a person quit pornography?

I think it’s a three step process.

  • First you need internet controls and filters so that it’s much harder to access pornography. This won’t solve the problem, but it will allow a temporary stopgap measure while you deal with the root of the problem.
  • Second you need accountability, or people in your life who will be real with you and encourage you to stay on the straight and narrow.
  • And third you need real work and insight and healing into what drew you to porn, what it is that you’re getting out of porn, what holes in your life porn has both covered up and caused, and how instead to achieve real wholeness.

That last step is essential, but it isn’t easy. And you can’t get there without the first two.

Many users never even get to #1. They say they’re sorry, but that’s where any action stops.

Listen to me clearly on this one: If they were truly sorry, they would be willing to get help. True repentance is always accompanied by confession. Otherwise they’re not sorry they’re using porn. They’re only sorry they got caught.

[clickToTweet tweet=”If someone apologizes for using porn, but won’t confess to anyone else, they’re not really sorry.” quote=”If someone apologizes for using porn, but won’t confess to anyone else, they’re not really sorry.”]

So what do you do?

As wives, we need to make clear that an apology is not enough. Action must be taken.

And as wives, we also need a safe place to share our own feelings of devastation and rejection and inadequacy and anger, and we need him to hear those things, too.

We need to know how to rebuild trust.

We need to know how to rebuild intimacy.

And we need to know what to do when he doesn’t seem to be making any progress.

Oh, and one final thing: We women also need to get real about the fact that 30% of porn users are now women. It is not only men who are ruining marriages with porn use. It is women, too. And that, I think, is likely the biggest secret that is being hidden right now, because unlike men, women can still function sexually when they use porn. They just can’t experience real intimacy.

Where do we get this help with overcoming porn?

Ideally it starts in a church community. But not all churches are equipped to handle it. And not all churches provide help to both the husband and the wife.

That’s where the Break Free Virtual Summit comes in. It’s a 10-day online summit with 40 speakers, all addressing different areas of sexual addictions and sexual integrity and recovery.

And there are some names there who will be quite familiar to this blog! Vicki Tiede is featured, author of When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography, who helped me with a 4-part series on husbands and porn. There’s Jessica Harris, who has guest posted here and who writes at length on women’s struggles with pornography. And there are so many more–including a ton of men who are gifted at mentoring, telling it like it is, and challenging husbands to step up to the plate and truly conquer this.

Some talks are geared towards the porn addict, some towards the spouse, and some towards those who counsel people with porn problems.

It’s a 10-day summit focused on solutions, not problems. It’s all about how to move ahead and break free.

Here’s what you’ll learn:

  • Day 1: Breaking Free from Hopelessness
  • Day 2: Breaking Free from Blindness
  • Day 3: Breaking Free from Isolation
  • Day 4: Breaking Free from Secrets & Lies
  • Day 5: Breaking Free from Uncertainty
  • Day 6: Breaking Free from Betrayal
  • Day 7: Breaking Free from Guilt & Shame
  • Day 8: Breaking Free from Past Abuse
  • Day 9: Breaking Free from Unforgiveness
  • Day 10: Breaking Free from a Lukewarm Life

You can get a free access pass to the conference, to watch live, or you can get an all-access pass to lifetime access to the videos, to watch anytime, for the early bird price of $99 (if you buy before next Thursday). After that the price increases.

Sign up for free–or buy the all-access pass–right here.

I have to admit my heart gets heavy every time I read all the new comments. And what I’d really like is to see some happy endings–some people truly recover on the other side of porn addiction! Many of these speakers have. The others have led people through the process. And I do believe that God wants so many more to find freedom. So if this is something that can help you or your family, sign up–and spread the word!

Have you ever been involved in a recovery group? Or have you ever had to live with someone who says they’re sorry, but doesn’t move forward? Let’s talk in the comments!

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