Recovering from a porn addiction really can’t be done alone.
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I’ve spent the last week planning out my blog posts for December and January, and I realized late yesterday that a lot of them are really heavy topics (maybe that’s because I get a lot of sad reader questions around Christmas?). And this is sort of odd, because I’m actually in a rather happy place in my life right now! We’re busy planning Katie’s wedding for February (I finished knitting her wedding shawl last night!), and we’re looking forward to having both girls and their significant others home at Christmas.
So I thought–let’s try to write more happy posts!
And then I saw an email about a special online porn recovery summit. And I thought, “should I share about this?” “Is this too depressing?”
I went back and forth and drank a few cups of tea and knit a few more rows on the shawl, and then decided that even if it seemed like a bit of a downer, it was important to let you know about.
Because you know what? Porn does not have to be the end of the story. In fact, you could actually have a very HAPPY ending if you deal with the porn addiction in the right way!
[clickToTweet tweet=”Pornography does not have to be the end of your marriage. So many have broken free! Learn how.” quote=”Pornography does not have to be the end of your marriage. So many have broken free! Learn how.”]
Every morning I wake up to a whole bunch of new sad comments that come into this blog overnight, mostly on older posts that still get a lot of traffic. And many of those are stories about guys using porn, and women who are absolutely heartbroken and at their wit’s end. They desperately want this to stop, but he doesn’t seem bothered by it.
And one of the common themes in these emails is that they’re trying to battle porn alone.
You can’t do that.
Here’s what often happens: she catches him watching porn. He apologizes profusely. He promises to never do it again. She feels uncomfortable, and wonders how she can trust him, but what else can she do? So they plod along, and a few months later she finds he never stopped. She confronts him again. He apologizes again. And the cycle starts–all over again.
A porn habit is a horrible one that is very difficult to break. For many porn users, the pull is intense. It’s how they deal with stress. It’s more exciting than cocaine. And it seriously wrecks your libido and your ability to perform sexually in marriage, because it rewires the brain so that what’s attractive is an image or a fantasy rather than a person.
So how does a person quit pornography?
I think it’s a three step process.
- First you need internet controls and filters so that it’s much harder to access pornography. This won’t solve the problem, but it will allow a temporary stopgap measure while you deal with the root of the problem.
- Second you need accountability, or people in your life who will be real with you and encourage you to stay on the straight and narrow.
- And third you need real work and insight and healing into what drew you to porn, what it is that you’re getting out of porn, what holes in your life porn has both covered up and caused, and how instead to achieve real wholeness.
That last step is essential, but it isn’t easy. And you can’t get there without the first two.
Many users never even get to #1. They say they’re sorry, but that’s where any action stops.
Listen to me clearly on this one: If they were truly sorry, they would be willing to get help. True repentance is always accompanied by confession. Otherwise they’re not sorry they’re using porn. They’re only sorry they got caught.
[clickToTweet tweet=”If someone apologizes for using porn, but won’t confess to anyone else, they’re not really sorry.” quote=”If someone apologizes for using porn, but won’t confess to anyone else, they’re not really sorry.”]
So what do you do?
As wives, we need to make clear that an apology is not enough. Action must be taken.
And as wives, we also need a safe place to share our own feelings of devastation and rejection and inadequacy and anger, and we need him to hear those things, too.
We need to know how to rebuild trust.
We need to know how to rebuild intimacy.
And we need to know what to do when he doesn’t seem to be making any progress.
Oh, and one final thing: We women also need to get real about the fact that 30% of porn users are now women. It is not only men who are ruining marriages with porn use. It is women, too. And that, I think, is likely the biggest secret that is being hidden right now, because unlike men, women can still function sexually when they use porn. They just can’t experience real intimacy.
Where do we get this help with overcoming porn?
Ideally it starts in a church community. But not all churches are equipped to handle it. And not all churches provide help to both the husband and the wife.
That’s where the Break Free Virtual Summit comes in. It’s a 10-day online summit with 40 speakers, all addressing different areas of sexual addictions and sexual integrity and recovery.
And there are some names there who will be quite familiar to this blog! Vicki Tiede is featured, author of When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography, who helped me with a 4-part series on husbands and porn. There’s Jessica Harris, who has guest posted here and who writes at length on women’s struggles with pornography. And there are so many more–including a ton of men who are gifted at mentoring, telling it like it is, and challenging husbands to step up to the plate and truly conquer this.
Some talks are geared towards the porn addict, some towards the spouse, and some towards those who counsel people with porn problems.
It’s a 10-day summit focused on solutions, not problems. It’s all about how to move ahead and break free.
Here’s what you’ll learn:
- Day 1: Breaking Free from Hopelessness
- Day 2: Breaking Free from Blindness
- Day 3: Breaking Free from Isolation
- Day 4: Breaking Free from Secrets & Lies
- Day 5: Breaking Free from Uncertainty
- Day 6: Breaking Free from Betrayal
- Day 7: Breaking Free from Guilt & Shame
- Day 8: Breaking Free from Past Abuse
- Day 9: Breaking Free from Unforgiveness
- Day 10: Breaking Free from a Lukewarm Life
You can get a free access pass to the conference, to watch live, or you can get an all-access pass to lifetime access to the videos, to watch anytime, for the early bird price of $99 (if you buy before next Thursday). After that the price increases.
Sign up for free–or buy the all-access pass–right here.
I have to admit my heart gets heavy every time I read all the new comments. And what I’d really like is to see some happy endings–some people truly recover on the other side of porn addiction! Many of these speakers have. The others have led people through the process. And I do believe that God wants so many more to find freedom. So if this is something that can help you or your family, sign up–and spread the word!
Have you ever been involved in a recovery group? Or have you ever had to live with someone who says they’re sorry, but doesn’t move forward? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I think this summit will be life changing. Unfortunately my marriage did not make it but I do believe its possible if the both partners are willing to do the work to get to the other side of this addiction. My spouse chose to dive head first into his addiction, abandoned the home and is currently living with another woman after 13 years together. He chose not to do the work! I was heartbroken and am working on picking up the pieces after the trauma of it all. If you are walking this same walk just know that this was not your fault and you are going to be ok.
Oh, Melissa, I’m so sorry! I pray that God will hold you and help you to recover, too, because this is a big recovery process for you, too. I’m sorry he made such a ridiculous choice. So sorry.
The key here is that the porn addict has to want to change and be willing to do the work. I was married 27 years to one. He’d get caught, lie, blame me, apologize, pretend to stop, them report the cycle. He advanced to cheating with real people, even using hookup ads on Craigslist. I prayed and prayed, did all I could., but he left me and the kids and moved in with another woman. My divorce was final last year. The kids and I still struggle, but I pray for God to be my husband and provider.
It’s a sad addiction that will escalate. The summit looks great for someone who really wants to change their lives.
One note: putting filters on when someone doesn’t want to change is ineffective. They are able to find ways around it every time.
Thanks for this post. There is one or two things I want to point out. A lot of marriage bloggers mean well when they suggest internet filters. But as a wife who has walked along side her husband’s porn addiction, filters only work when husband’s allow them to. There are so many very easy ways around them they are useless. In fact, it often adds an element of thrill to get around them without getting caught. This is as simple as using Facebook or Instagram as a search engine so it doesn’t get flagged. So if a husband is repentant and allows it to help him, that’s great. I just don’t want wives niavely thinking that because he has a filter it’s “much harder” to access porn because it really isn’t hard for a guy who is at all tech savvy.
Also, “true repentance” for an addict looks very different than one might think. It takes as long as five years for an addict to see healing if he’s actively working toward that healing every day. So just because he isn’t making immediate progress, or confessing his struggle right away, doesn’t mean he isn’t repentant.
My husband prayed he would get caught as a teen because fear was keeping him from confessing, even though he hated his struggle and wanted help. I think a better marker is his attitude. Does he want to stop? Does he see it as wrong? He may struggle to be open at first but is he making an effort? Is he willing to join a group? To have accountability partners? to seek discipleship? Is he sorrowful or arrogant? Slow progress is still progress and I think that’s important to really emphasize here. Anyways, just my added thoughts. Thanks again for speaking to this.
So, I came across your website a few months back when I realized my husband was using porn. It helped me immensely. I thought through your posts and some help from counseling we had a handle on this struggle. Note. He never read any of your posts…well he listened to a few because I was reading them aloud. He also wouldn’t accompany me to counseling.
Now, I’m back again. How appropriate and timely that you followed the pull to write this. I again found out last night while going through internet history that yup, he did it again. He’s away this weekend so I called him. Yup. He apologized. I guess he “slipped”. Yet trust has crumbled and I doubt he even realizes. I am so hurt that actor all the effort I put in to move forward this is what I’m still dealing with.
However, I’m taking this blog post as a little nugget from God knowing that He’s with me and will see us through. Thanks for posting this when you did…it was literally the couple days he was “slipping”.
Oh, I’m so glad the timing worked, Rachel! And honestly–a lot of guys do “slip” during recovery. It doesn’t mean they won’t get there. It really doesn’t. But it does likely mean you both need some help. I pray that you’ll get it!
Thank you for this post but what is a porn addict to do when their wife doesn’t want to be involved. I didn’t get caught, i confessed because I couldn’t take it anymore. I feel so awful about it and I just want to be free. For me it all started with a depression and I have been caught in this for almost three years. This year I started to get better from the depression and I am finally seeing progress in both my relationship with God and when it comes to porn. I have deep emotional scars that has made it easier to fall. Now I have a filter, an accountability partner but my wife doesn’t want to talk about it. We have talked about it when I confessed but after that she doesn’t even ask how I’m doing. I have had setbacks but confessed to my accountability partner because I just feel that telling my wife doesn’t lead to anything. She gets upset and then doesn’t talk about it. Our intimacy was bad before everything but of course is worse now. I am practically struggling alone since there are no groups here. I try to avoid things but she gets angry when I got example don’t want to download instagram because I know that there is easy access to nudity there. I know I should be stronger but right now I’m not so I don’t want to put myself in a situation like that. I know I’m the one who is to blame but I can’t do this alone. But feeling judged all the time and she withholding affection and simply not caring is really hard. I don’t just mean sex but kisses and hugs and so on. I understand she is hurt but The anxiety and the void of not feelin loved(which I felt before also) kills me and I fight hard not to fall again. I could easily go back and watch as much as I did before because she doesn’t ask and doesn’t seem to care but I don’t want to. I don’t know if the best is to separate. I mean she deserves to be happy and I have committed adultury so she is not to blame for a divorce. I just want to be free and it would be easier if I could go to a therapist without feeling judged and not having this rejection all the time. I know I have hurt her and those scars may never heal snd that’s why I sometimes think it’s better to just split up. I know , I know I’m the one who is to blame but if we can’t go through this together then maybe it’s better to split up. I feel so lost but don’t know what to do. I am thankful to God for the progress that I have seen in my life and I pray that I will be totally free.
Hi, I’m 27 and I use porn. I’ve been trying to get this over with and often do hope I get caught cause I’m so tired of it.
I’ve read lots of article online about the consequences and few suggestions to break the habit but non of them got me through the habit. I’ve prayed, fasted, met counsellors, tried exercising and eating healthy still I’m stocked with this habit.
Truthfully friends I’m tired and I’m getting less motivated. I’ve been out of relationship for over two years now cause i don’t want to hurt any lady with this but you all know that can’t be forever.
What do I do? I’m not gonna stop trying new things just to stop this habit.
Hi David, I know where you are at because I was there for 30 years. I hated what I was doing, I hated myself for what I was doing, but I couldn’t stop. I tried hard, confessed, made resolutions, cried out to God to take this away from me. But you know what? He didn’t. That is to say He didn’t until He broke me and I was willing to do the work that He wanted me to do. What did that look like for me?
1. I had to do serious business with God. This meant taking a very deep, hard, completely honest look at myself and my own salvation. God showed me several things, I didn’t have a true relationship with Him. I wanted Him for what He could do for me (fire insurance, deliverance from porn) not because I truly loved Him for who He is and for what He has already done for me. And don’t use the excuse that you are involved at church. Nobody was more involved than me, in fact I was in full time ministry for many years.
2. Being a follower of Christ, is not about a rule book and God isn’t waiting to smash you when you sin. I didn’t understand what grace is. Obedience and submission to Him are not done because He has rules, It is done because we love Him and we long to do what pleases Him. It is telling God by our actions and attitudes that it’s about Him, not me.
3. Getting right with God allowed me to do the hard things of obedience. Confession and restitution to those that I had hurt. Massive accountability, discipling, opening every area of my life for others to see, being teachable, being honest in everything. Giving up the internet for a very long time. Figure out what excuses you tell yourself to give yourself permission to sim.
4. One of the hardest things for me was admitting (for a lot of reasons) that porn is NOT just about sex. I denied this for a long time but as I have learned more about myself and my deepest emotions I found this to be true. Yes, of course there is a sex/turn on component to it, but there is more, and that has to be figured out. For me, I was starved for intimacy (not physical) I longed to have someone love me and accept me for who I am and not for what I can do. I deceived myself into thinking that the fantasy of porn met that need. Those women wanted me! BUT THAT IS A LIE! EVERYTHING ABOUT PORN IS A LIE! That is why it feels great, but as soon as you are done there is a sense of loss, a big letdown and you go right back to self-lotheing which you then medicate by looking at porn and the cycle continues.
But you know what? After my brokenness and obedience, He did do a miracle. He took porn away from me. You sometimes hear stories of life-long alcoholics that overnight, God delivers them from alcohol? Well, He did that for me. I went cold turkey and I haven’t used porn since. (I’m not saying that He does this for everyone) That doesn’t mean that there aren’t times that are hard, because there are. But I haven’t had that overwhelming, uncontrollable desire (you know what I mean) that drives me to porn any more.
How do I know that this is real? Because my life has gotten a lot worse since that time and I haven’t gone back to porn. Because of the sins of others, I have almost no intimacy anymore. I am totally used for what I do and there is absolutely no love or acceptance for who I am. The thing that I crave the most is totally absent in my life, But I haven’t gone back to porn. Why not? Because I can’t do that to my Savior who gave His life for me. Because I life a life of openness to my friends and family. Because He has taken the guilt and SHAME of my sin, therefore I am free.
Sheep, thank you so much for that comment. It was wonderful and raw, and so spiritually on tune. I appreciate you taking the time to write it, because I think it will minister to others.
Anytime. Knowledge kept secret is wasted.
I recently found out that my husband and his friends have been sending porn to each other. I only found out because he accidentally sent a video to me. Since he sent me a video he asked the one friend to stop but still receives them from multiple other guys. It came as a total shock, as having been married almost 11 years NEVER has the issue or topic come up. He says he’s not into that stuff and that porn makes him feel insecure but from the looks of the messages it seems he was all to happy to receive and send them. He never apologize about the situation as he feels he “didn’t do anything wrong” I tried talking about it but he says I’m making him feel like I don’t trust what he says and maybe I’m insecure about something. I’ve tried to talk with him so that he can understand my feelings but I’m very much disregarded and am told to “not worry about it, because he’s not” and that I’m going to push him away. I’m at a total loss of what to do. I’ve been praying and seeking God in the matter but I’m dumbfounded as I don’t really have anyone to turn to. Could it be that porn has been a part of my marriage and I have been unaware? He’s always been pretty trustworthy but has lied to me on a few occasions. I love him madly but fear this situation and the fact that he won’t just communicate or take into consideration my feelings is causing me to have resentment towards him. Any words of advise will be very much appreciated at this point bc I just want to be able to see my marriage as I have before.
Are there any good books for husbands recovering from addiction? My husband has asked me to help him find one.