How do you set boundaries on how much help you can reasonably give to aging parents?
Okay, last week I wrote a post on a whim about how parents should really try to help their adult children who will be caring for them one day, by moving closer, getting rid of stuff, and creating a life of their own so they’re not totally dependent on their kids.
Wow. Rarely have I ever written a post that’s generated so many reader stories and comments! This one obviously hit really close to home. And with Thanksgiving (American Thanksgiving, that is) and Christmas just around the corner, we’re starting to think more about extended families and in-laws. So I thought I’d take the next few Fridays (except for my Fight the Frump week that’s coming!) and talk about a few more issues that that article raised.
So let’s start with a super good one: How much is it reasonable to expect that you will do for aging parents?
Before I can answer that, let’s go back to first principles about what God wants from us. One frequent commenter, E, asked me to lay some of these out, and I think that’s a great idea!
Biblical Principles About Caring for Relatives
Our primary responsibility on earth is to our families
1 Timothy 5:8 says:
Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
We are to honour and respect and care for our parents; Jesus even rebuked the Pharisees for giving money to the temple that they should have been using to care for their parents! (Mark 7-9-13).
We are to help each other
Paul writes in Galatians 6:2,
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
However, we are also to be responsible for ourselves.
Paul then writes later in Galatians 6:5,
for each one should carry their own load.
Here’s what’s interesting about “load” vs. “burden”: In the Greek, a “load” is something that someone should be expected to carry by themselves. A burden is something which is too heavy for one person to bear.
What do these three principles say when you put them all together?
First, all of us are responsible to do for ourselves what we can do for ourselves. Nevertheless, people will have burdens that they will need help with. When that happens, we are responsible first to care for the burdens in our own families before we try to carry the burdens of others.
Keeping that in mind, then, let’s look at a scenario that was left in the comments with last week’s post:
My in-laws are aging and live in an old home that they are constantly working on. Trouble is, they don’t have the stamina or ability to do as much as they once could. They often mention having my husband come drive the hour and a half to help. But we have our own old farmhouse that needs attention, and multiple young kids who crave time with their Dad when he is not at work! And then there is time to try and connect in our marriage, extra curriculars for kids ( we only have one car) and church obligations. Not to mention we don’t have family who are willing to babysit our kids for a few hours so we can actually go on a date or something. I feel so unchristian but I get so frustrated at the expectation that my husband should be there to help when they are doing things that they are not as capable doing anymore that are not necessities. And the downsizing is key too. We have talked at length at how in the world we are ever going to deal with all the stuff eventually. And as a one, lower income family trying hard to make smart financial decisions, this kind of stuff keeps us up at night. We are often the ones expected to travel for every holiday too to various family members. The gas costs are often a stress for us. We never do live up to the expectations imposed on us and I sometimes wonder if God is so very disappointed in us and thinks we are selfish.
Okay, great question! I really love Dr. Henry Cloud’s and Dr. John Townsend’s approach in their book Boundaries. They take a biblical look at how to decide BOTH what we say no to and what we say yes to–because when we’re saying yes to something, we’re simultaneously saying no to something else. There is only so much time, energy, and money that each person has, and we have to figure out how to divide it up. So here are some questions to ask:
Are they asking me to share a burden or a load?
You have two families–your nuclear family and your family of origin. When it comes to responsibility, your nuclear family comes first. Your first responsibility is to make sure that your nuclear family has all of its necessities met, and then you make sure that your family of origin has its necessities met.
After that comes all the optionals (extracurricular activities, etc.)
So let’s say your parents are living a fair distance away in a home they are no longer capable of maintaining. Is it reasonable to expect that you will help them to maintain it?
Quite frankly, I’d say no. Sure, you can visit every month or so and help with a few things, but you can’t take on the whole responsibility.
Your parents have plenty of options: They can sell the house and move into an apartment. They can move closer to you. They can even (potentially!) move in with you. They can hire other people to fix up the house for them.
It is your responsibility to make sure that your parents have a decent, comfortable place to live. It is not your responsiblity to maintain a house for themselves that they are no longer capable of maintaining themselves, if there are other options available, and especially if that house is far away from where you live.
What they are doing is asking you to bear their loads, not their burdens. And the more people’s loads you bear (the more you do things for others that they could do for themselves), the less energy and time and money you have to bear people’s genuine burdens. That’s why Paul also said in 2 Thessalonians 3:10:
For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.”
If we’re all busy doing things for people they can do for themselves, then we’re spinning our wheels and we’re not meeting genuine needs.
Are my parents doing all they can for themselves?
It could very well be that your parents are no longer capable of looking after their house. When that day comes, it may be time for a frank discussion about moving into an apartment or a seniors’ residence where some meal preparation is also done.
But it’s not just practical issues parents need help with. Another commenter wrote:
Your 3rd point – have a life of your own – is so smart. My parents have no friends and no hobbies or ministries. They depend on me and my siblings for friendship and entertainment.
Let’s put this one to the test, too. In this case, parents love their kids and just want to spend all of their time with their kids and get all their emotional needs met by their kids. But this puts a lot of pressure on the kids, and often saps energy from the kids. And it’s so guilt inducing! If you know that your mom is horribly lonely if you don’t talk to her, then your relationship becomes one of obligation and guilt rather than something that is freely given and enjoyed.
So ask yourself: Is your mom putting her own “load” on you? She’d prefer not to meet people and not to get out of the house because it’s easier. But then you become responsible for her load. And if you accept that responsibility, you enable her to hibernate in her house. That means that she won’t be giving anything back to her community or her church. She won’t be volunteering. She won’t be encouraging younger women or befriending those of her own generation.
My mom goes to several knitting groups in little towns close to where we live, where for the last ten years she has shared the story of the Kenyan children’s home where we frequently visit (and we’re leading another medical team there this August!). She’s devised a super-easy garter stitch sweater pattern, and over the last decade we’ve taken over 2000 handknit sweaters to the home.
Many of these sweaters are knitted by senior women, who often don’t get out of the house much. But they love the thought that they can still help in a tangible way. One woman in her 80s in England even mails my mom sweaters, and writes her a note about how important it’s become to her that she can still make a difference in the world.
There is so much that seniors can do if they look around for it! You can help point your mom (or mom-in-law) in that direction, but let me be clear: If she chooses not to follow it up, that is not on you. That is on her. You can show her, but you cannot make her make different choices.
What if your parents’ needs become genuine burdens?
I’ve been talking about bearing parents’ loads. But sometimes parents have genuine burdens! They get Alzheimer’s and they need a lot of care. They have mobility issues. They need to move and they need help doing so. These things do require our care. I’m going to talk about that next week, especially about how we can negotiate things with our siblings when parents need help.
How can we talk about this in a healthy way?
So let’s say that your parents really are making unreasonable demands on you–either they want you to bear their “loads”, or they’re asking you to carry their burdens without lifting a finger to help by agreeing to move, for instance. How can you talk about this?
Reaffirm the relationship
Stress to your parents that you love them, and that you want to have a relationship where you enjoy them and where it’s focused on just being together, rather than always rushing around and stressing and doing errands. You’d like to minimize the burden so that you can still enjoy each other.
Reaffirm that you are there for them
Tell them that you love them and that you do want to care for them and make sure they are never alone.
Be clear that you can only do so much
However, with that being said, you do have a limited amount of time, money, and energy, and you also have other commitments (such as their grandchildren). You can say something like:
I remember how important it was to me, Mom, that you were there for me when I was a teenager and that you got to know so many of my friends. I want to do that with my children, too. But it’s becoming so difficult since we have to spend every weekend visiting you and helping you, and I’m afraid I’m missing out on the relationship that I know you want me to have with my children. So let’s talk about how we can figure out time so that I still am able to be a great mom myself.
Give them choices
Just as you have the ability to say yes or no to things, giving them some choices allows everyone clarity. For instance, you can say:
Mom and Dad, I know you love this house, and I do want you to enjoy where you live. So if you decide to continue living here, I totally understand that. But we are no longer able to help you fix it up. There is too much to be done on our own home, and we still have kids living at home. However, if and when you’re ready to sell the house and move into an apartment, we’d love to have you move closer to us so that we can all enjoy each other more and spend more time together!
Now the ball is in their court. They can decide to stay in the house without your help, or they can decide to move, with your help, and live closer.
But–and here’s the kicker–if they decide NOT to move, then you need to stick to your boundaries and say,
“I know your house needs help, Dad, but unfortunately I’m not in the position to give it. I will gladly help you move into a place that is more manageable, though.”
And keep repeating that.
But what if your parents make you feel guilty for not helping them more?
I know it’s hard, but no one can make you feel guilty. That’s a choice you make.
You do what you feel called to do by God. You carry your own load. You carry your immediate family’s burdens. Carry your parents’ burdens. But do not carry their loads. They should be doing what they are able to do, and if they do not–then they must also bear the consequences of those actions, even if it means that they lose your help.
So that’s how I’d see it! What do you think? Am I being too harsh? Have you had to negotiate these sorts of things? How did your parents take it? Let’s talk in the comments!
Okay, there was so much more I wanted to say in this article! I wanted to talk about how we should be visiting our parents just to maintain a relationship, and that is perfectly reasonable to expect (and we should do it for children’s sakes, too). I wanted to talk about how finances can also play a huge role here. But it was already so, so long! But I don’t want people to think that I believe you should just ignore your aging mother. It’s just that we do need to draw boundaries, and I think the more parents are in a reasonable place to live with responsibilities they can meet themselves, the easier it is to have a good relationship with your parents!
You’ve done a great job! Thanks for those biblical references 😀
Hey, Greetings.I really liked your article. My Mother is sick with lung cancer .This is very difficult for her and all of us kids .We want to be there and help her but my brother and sister live away from our city ,it looks like the majority of caring for her in her illness is going to fall to me.I think it’s a privilege to be able to care for the woman who gave me life.Only thing I worry is if what if I fall short ,what if I am not physically strong enough to lift her as her cancer progresses.?Do you have any more articles on how to care for the intensely I’ll Mom?How can I set limits without being disrespectful or hurting her feelings? She Needs me and I’m so scared that I will make a mistake. I think I will go get trained in how to lift her .meanwhile, please pray for her and please keep writing your articles. We need sound biblical advice in such a dark world. Thank you, Mary.
I love my mom but she speaks to me with a tone reminiscent of a child. I have spoken to her on several ocassions but she continues to do so. I really dont know how to deal with the (tone). She says she doesnt mean it…
Any suggestions on how to approach a convo on boundaries of this nature.
I have just found this article and what a God-send! I simply love the idea of ‘burdens and loads’. One of my issues is that I’m 47 and not married. I have a job that is more of a vocation (with a lot of responsibility) plus a home that I love to be in. Both parents have significant health issues and there have been many hospital admissions. I visit (and stay over) at least once every 2 weeks (they live an hour away) and if they have additional needs (cooking/cleaning etc), I make sure this is all taken care of with a support network.
Recently when my dad was in hospital (a ‘burden’ to be shared) I made the 1 hour trip every day for 10 days after work, to sleep at my mom’s house so she didn’t feel sad on her own.
We speak several times a day but because I don’t have children, I’m not sure they see me as being my very own ‘nuclear family’. If I want to go home, back to my house, they’re not sure why I would want to ‘leave’ them. Visits are often about errands and there is little time to just ‘be’ in each other’s company.
I love them dearly and will be there for them, but I also need to pay attention to my own needs and life too. I cannot be their source of happiness and entertainment.
But man, I am wracked with guilt! Am I doing enough? Should I sell up and move closer to them? Will I one day have regrets? The ‘noise’ in my head is sometimes way too loud on this subject!
I have tried to talk to them about it but it only causes great upset and they say things like, ‘we don’t want to be a burden…are you saying we’re stopping you living your life?’
(No, that’s not what I’m saying!!!)
Feeling frustrated, I googled the topic and your blog came right up. It was just what I needed to read right now, a perfect balance of encouragement and a wonderful Biblical perspective. Thank you.
Though I was only ten at the time, I remember my mother having some of these frank discussions with her then 72 yr old mother. Grandma was hours from us and alone, except for her church family. (At the time, my parents knew my dad was likely to be relocated either to MN or Poland(!!) from MO.) Grandma wanted to move in with us, but my mom knew it would be a burden on our one income family with 3 kids ten and under. The compromise was that Grandma moved to a town an hour from us, but where two of her sisters and their families lived. We did move to MN a few years later, but then we landed in the same town as her within five years. In those five years, grandma had made plenty of her own friends, had a healthy volunteering gig, and was happy to help us settle. At the end of her life, she dealt with colon cancer, but because she had spent a good fifteen years already close to us, there were more blessings than burdens. She was able to (fairly) easily move into my parents’ home for care, and my newlywed husband and I were able to move into her house to live rent free while fixing it up to sell at a bigger profit for her. When she passed, the time was bittersweet: bitter because death is always bitter, but so sweet because we were able to focus on eternal things and not earthly burdens.
Oh, what a wonderful story! That’s the way it should be. And you were able to enjoy her and have a relationship with her, rather than her just being a burden.
What about parents who aren’t actually seniors yet??
Obviously they manage much more of their own “load” still, but my in-laws tend to think that they shouldn’t have to because they have adult children now.
When we set boundaries, they always say “when we were your age, we had young children too, and we made it a point to drive 2 hours to their grandparents at least once a month, and we called our mothers ever single day just to chat.” They are in their early 50s and live about 40 minutes away from us. Is it to much to expect them to come to us occasionally??
Oh, Sam, that’s tough!
No, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for them to visit you. I really don’t. I would perhaps say this,
“I love the fact that you wanted a close relationship with your parents and that you honoured them when you were a young mom, but I can tell you that, as the child in that situation, I would have so much preferred that my grandparents had visited me, rather than being carted all over the place. Then I could have enjoyed my grandparents, rather than it being a hassle that took me away from things. My kids want you involved in their lives, and that means that you need to make the effort to see us, too. Could we talk about that?”
Thank you Sheila for this article. It really needs to be an extended series (you’ve listed ideas for future pieces here in the comments!). It also brings a sigh of relief to me. My parents are aging, with one in rapidly declining health. While we’d love to be more involved, we live 1000 miles away and see them only once a year. They won’t consider moving because “the Lord has told them to stay put.” How on earth do I respond to that? The house is too big & expensive for them, they don’t have many friends or activities in the area, and there is no one nearby to step in if they need help.
Wow, LJ, that’s tough.
What about something like this?
“If you believe the Lord has told you to stay put, then you also believe that the Lord will provide the help you need without me being able to give it. I find it hard to believe that God would ask strangers to look after you instead of me, when I do want to help. But I can’t do it at such a distance, and I believe that you will need help.
If you choose to stay in your home, I can’t help. It isn’t financially feasible or feasible with work. But if you move, I will do anything I can to help you.
If you have a stroke today, who do you think the Lord will provide to help you with that? Are you prepared to be in the hospital alone?” And ask them to start thinking about that. It’s so, so tough, but we have to have these conversations!
Hello Sheila,
Thank you for this post. I am in a difficult situation with my parents, my mother in particular. 20 years ago when they retired they moved 120 miles away, about a 2 1/2 hour drive away. At the time my husband and I thought we would probably move in their direction at some point, 5 years or so later. In that 5 years our circumstances changed, we had another baby, my father in law died, my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer, one of our sons was diagnosed with learning difficulties and we moved him to a private school. With all the added expense. My mother in law then had a heart attack, and so it went on!
My father has Alzheimer’s and my mother does an excellent job caring for him but it is obviously very stressful and challenging at times. I visit as often as I can and have them to stay 3 – 4 times a year, I collect them and take them home. The problem is each time I see them my mother claims the ONLY reason THEY moved was because WE said WE would. That is not the case at all, it was their choice to move and at the time they were happy to do so. It doesn’t matter how many times I explain to her that our circumstances changed and I had to do what was best for our own family it apparently isn’t good enough and I get it flung in my face each time I see her. I have 2 sisters, 1 lives a 5 1/2 hour drive away and the other a 26 hour flight away so I am nearest geographically. I really don’t know what she is trying to achieve other than to make me feel guilty as I am such a disappointment to her. They are coming to stay in 3 weeks and I’m already stressed about it. Any advice on how to respond, or ignore, would be greatly appreciated.
Oh, Jane, that’s so tough! It sounds to me like your mom is just overwhelmed, and she’s taking it out on you. But that may not really be her real issue.
What about trying to frame it this way:
“Mom, I love you, and I’m so impressed with how you’re caring for dad and showing true sacrificial love. I hope I will be like you one day!
But I’m very worried about you. I know that we believed at one point we’d be moving near you, but God has put other circumstances into our lives where that is just no longer possible. It was our intention, but it obviously was not God’s plan.
So instead of looking at the past, let’s face head on where we are now.
You and dad are going to need more care. At the same time, my in-laws require a lot of help, and my kids require help. I don’t see how I can help you unless you move closer. We want to help you do that. (Or they could also move closer to a different sibling?)….”
And then have that conversation.
Next week I’ll try to tackle the sibling situation–my mom had one almost exactly like yours, and they worked out a pretty good arrangement on how to spell each other off despite the distance.
Thank you for you reply Sheila, financially my parents are unable to move closer to us as house prices are more than twice the price here and our home is not large enough to accommodate them so I do the best I can with visiting and having them to stay. One sisters husband is clergy so they move every 5-7 years and my other sister lives in Australia, I am in the UK. Not trying to be awkward here just by way of explanation.
I also think my mother is jealous that we are here for my mother in law and as she believes not for her.
I speak to my mother several times a week and she sees me far more then my other 2 sisters who both agree she treats me unfairly. I have considered writing her a letter as the last time she brought it up and I tried to have a conversation with her about it she walked out. I want to try and sort it out before their next visit and lay it to rest. You have given me a lot of helpful advice on how to respond. Thank you.
Oh, that is so, so hard! I don’t think there is an easy answer except for open communication. But it is really tough!
Hi Jane, if you think about it, they might still be able to move near you. After all, though the home prices are more than double, she can probably downsize her home by half or more. I’m guessing your parents live in a family-size home, say 3 bedroom? Possibly a dining area and small garden? They could sell that home, and purchase a 1 bedroom town-home (first floor, or with elevator), with a combined kitchen and sitting area. She could also invest in having the bath remodeled to be easier to accommodate ageing (so, have the bathtub exchanged for a walk-in shower, that sort of thing).
-Or, if it’s that important to age in place, I think one commenter in the last post on ageing talked about having a young person come live in a spare bedroom w/ specific help duties in exchange for the free rent. Maybe you could help w/ emptying a bedroom and finding a temp agency for the arrangement. In any case, you could offer, and the burden would be off you if your mom rejects the ideas.
Thank you Mina for your helpful suggestions and thoughtful reply. Unfortunately my parents downsized when they moved and have a small one bedroom bungalow. It allowed my father to retire two years early and live off the equity from their house sale until my father could draw his pension. When anyone stays they have a sofa bed in the lounge and they do have a fair amount of visitors. My parents have been very happy where they are and have some very supportive friends. The problem is me. I didn’t move!
Oh, that is hard. It sounds like everyone is doing their level-best, and it’s probably her exhaustion talking. Maybe it *might* help to keep repeating that to yourself? “We’re doing our level-best. That’s her exhaustion talking.” Maybe even say it to her at some point? I don’t know. I do know that the idea “I’m/you’re not doing enough” is a terrible place to be, especially when one is stretched so thin.
Thank you, looking forward to the next post.
The hardest thing for me to deal with is my mom refusing to acknowledge needing help. My mother has dementia but can’t or won’t see her memory loss. She can’t remember when she wasn’t taking her medication.
She is refusing to move so it’s up to me to force her in the next few months. The best thing I did was take a list of everything I was doing for her to the psychologist and why I started to do that task. I now have the legal right to force her to move. Not that it makes it any easier emotionally.
Oh, dear, once they have dementia you really can’t reason with anybody, and you almost have to force it. That is NOT fun.
Just make use of all the social workers and psychologists you can! There are often great support systems for people dealing with parents with alzheimer’s and dementia.
Last week I so wanted to print off your post and mail it to my Mom. God does work in mysterious ways though. My Mom has been emailing me about all the work she is doing around the house and how hard it is now that her house mate can not do much any more and has been in the hospital/doctors office or ER/Quick care almost monthly for the past year. Last week she hit her knuckles with a hammer. I never even seen my Mom hold a hammer and now she thinks she can do it at 74? I had responded to one of her emails with pity for her situation and so she brought it up. We have talked about her situation in the past but she has too much FEAR to do anything about it. I speak and it falls on def ears. She will admit her situation is not good and her plan sucks. But she wont do anything about it. Her plan is ” I wont go to a nursing home”. I” will stay at my house until I die so you boys can gain from the sale of the house”. Yeah good plan Mom. So we talked more about it this weekend but unfortunately most likely she will stay there until she runs out of money and does end up in a nursing home and the way it is here in the states is they look back 10 years so her house would become her exchange for care. It is really sad. I could careless about the money part. Its the care part for my Mom. She could be enjoying her self and setting herself up so maybe she doesnt have to go to a nursing home. Instead my brother is 2.5 hours away and I am 8 and she is trying to maitain a 4 bed house on 1 acre for what? Anyway I am ranting but glad for the topic and a place to vent (not that I haven’t done ao with Grace). That FEAR is what I have seen in many situations keep folks from making good decisions for themselves and their children.
I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts on these boundaries in regards to finances! My husband and I both have aging parents who aren’t prepared financially and I carry a lot of guilt over how much we should be supporting them, even though we have financial responsibilities of our own. I know I don’t want to enable their bad spending habits, but I also feel so guilty knowing that they struggle in this area.
Maybe I should write a separate post on that? I kind of meant this one to be a catch all, but this is a huge issue that everyone keeps bringing up (even on Facebook last week.). So maybe I really should!
Yes please do! In part, I’d love to hear your thoughts on siblings sharing the financial load, with the vastly differing income levels that come with different life paths and choices/priorities.
Yes please do!
Shelia: I love this article and this topic, and I worry daily about what life will look like as my parents continue to age. My bigger fear right now, is that my toddler is doomed! Is it even possible to have a healthy relationship between a grown child and a parent? Will my child grow up and be annoyed and burdened by me regardless of how I raise her? I feel I never hear stories about healthy families.
Oh, AE, I have a GREAT relationship with my mom, and we have a GREAT relationship with our in-laws! And my kids have a great relationship with me. I think it just comes with open communication and serving each other, no matter the age!
Phil, We have almost the same situation as you; elderly in-laws in a great big house with a big yard and dad-in-law’s health is failing. However they live a half hour away and mom-in-law insists in staying in the house because she WANTS to. They have been using my 15 year old son for the yard work once a week (which he is starting to resent) and mom-in-law expects him and my husband to do a bunch of stuff around the house for her once her husband dies. We’d love for her to move to a smaller place such as a senior living apartment or condo, so she could have quality of life with traveling and going out with friends which she loves to do, but no, it’s the great big house and yard for her and no compromise. In the meantime, my parents are trying to move out of a house in the inner city to a smaller place so that they won’t be a burden to the kids and I’m not able to give anything to them and they don’t ask for any help or anything – I found out 2 weeks after the fact that my dad had open-heart surgery! Want to see my parents more and want my in-laws to make way fewer demands on our family; if I say anything to anyone though I’m considered evil.
I feel that maybe I am in the reverse of the situation you described. Five years ago my in-laws moved over 300 miles, leaving the only town they had ever lived in, to be near us. We all discussed it and I even basically picked out their new home, within walking distance of ours. At the time, we had no intentions to move. However, we have since had more children and didn’t really expect to have six children in our current home. When we have casually mentioned moving to another home, they have made it clear that is not what they want since they moved here for us. I’m thinking we would still be within a 10-15 min drive, but obviously that’s not walking distance. So do we honor them and stay in our current home? Or not? My husband and I have both said that if they didn’t live down the street we would definitely consider moving. But we also realize that as they get older we will be able to help them more if we are closer. And they do help us often and graciously with our children. Thoughts or suggestions on how to prayerfully decide?
I would look at your motives for moving and ask what matters more – a better house or close relationships with family? The question really is: could you make do in your house and ease the situation by owning less stuff or maybe adding on a room or convert the garage or basement? It could be a great lesson for the kids to see that staying near their grandparents matters more then moving to a better house. Living small can be a good way to build close relationships between siblings. And who knows you might discover some new qualities in your family. I suppose by staying in the current home you probably also save money, which you could invest into some other enjoyment for the family. But if the house situation is really a burden, I would pray for a more suitable house nearby. Who knows? God might have a surprise for you in walking distance…
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here but I definitely think you don’t need to feel obligated to stay in that exact house with your changed life circumstances, with only a 10-15 minute drive. Sure, down the road is great, but it’s not like you’re moving that far. They are adults and can understand that the houses were chosen in the previous situation, which has now changed. And hey, maybe you can find a house for you, that has another house for them within walking distance. If you decide to move, I think you just have to be clear with them that you understand why they like the current arrangement, but the circumstances have changed and you’ll still be nearby and you are adults and get to make this decision for yourselves, thank you.
Your post is spot on! I feel like you saw me in my exact position. What an encouragement to me. I am 36, with a mom who is 62. She is single, has cats, lives by herself. Her physical condition is very bad: severe osteoporosis, and has been recovering from a femur fracture since last year. You mentioned setting boundaries with loads and burdens; which, after reading that very book on Boundaries last year, I decided I could not cary her loads anymore. She can’t carry them either, but I have been enabling her with her loads. One of the hardest decisions in my life, was drawing boundaries with her. I can’t run to her house everyday (which I was doing for about a year) to feed her outdoor wild cats. It was a ridiculous load to carry for her, when she could simply stop feed ing her wild outdoor cats. That book was great in having me realize the difference between what I can do and what I can’t do. You are hitting an area in my life, which was very burdensome, and full of guilt; but thanks to your posts and the book Boundaries, I am living a LOT better now, with no guilt. That was kind of a ramble, but I encourage others to set boundaries. It is healthy for you, and them. I do what I can for my mom; but what I can’t do, I say no, and then I am working on not feeling guilty for it.
I am so glad! And, yes, YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WILD CATS. Oh, dear.
Here’s another one about boundaries and parents and aging as you consider other angles to write about. My husband’s mother is slightly delusional and also has a lot of health issues (cancer, mainly). My FIL has for whatever reason decided to let her languish in her delusions and not call her out on her baloney. This has created a variety of interesting situations in our lives, and one of the biggest ones is that they literally have no friends, other than FIL’s friendly coworkers (he sees them at work but doesn’t get together with them outside of work). My husband is an only child, and they do have local siblings and siblings’ offspring but they rarely see them. Now FIL is having some health issues and of course is depending on husband to be their chauffeur (MIL can’t drive due to the cancer killing her nerves). In the process of all this and some boundary setting about when and where hubs will and won’t drive them, he and FIL discussed what would happen if FIL dies/is unable to take care of MIL, and FIL acknowledged that her living with us is not an option (Thank you, Jesus) and that she would go into assisted care. Fine, great, thank goodness.
The problem is this – he has not had this conversation with HER. So if (please Lord, do not let this happen) FIL gets run over by a bus, my husband will have to inform MIL, who has just lost her husband (the only person she ever spends time with, see above about no friends), that she’s going into assisted care, which will be news to her. (Hubs just told me all this and I said, you had better be prostrate before the throne of God daily pleading with the Almighty to keep this from happening. He seems to be of the mind that he’ll deal with this if it happens. Okay then)
I don’t personally need any advice on this because I only speak to them when spoken to and will not be addressing this with them, but I’d be interested to hear others’ thoughts about when an aging parent refuses to be straight with the other aging parent (we can only conclude that he’s decided it’s easier to be a borderline recluse than to tell her he IS going to have a life even if she spends hers being an actual recluse), especially if it may have ramifications for the adult children. I don’t really understand what’s at play here, but I do think it’s kind of selfish of FIL to refuse to have these conversations with MIL, because it’ll put hubs in a really unpleasant situation if any of this comes to pass. It also annoys me that he/they refuse to prepare for any of this, like having anyone else they can ask to chauffeur them, but I’ve had to pretend to I’ve let that go thus far.
Families are weird. I’d be so ticked at my husband if he did any of that to me. I don’t like having hard conversations, but I’d rather that a million times instead of my neuroses causing my family that kind of issues.
This is such an important topic. I once meet a young woman (in her 30s) who said she didn’t worry about retirement, that’s why she had 6 kids, so they could share the load of taking care of her.
It just made my heart sink. I don’t believe in worrying about the future but we need to take care of our own health, be wise with money, and face the fact that we will probably live longer than we are capable of working and doing manual labor.
I also read a fascinating article about Japanese culture. We all know Japanese culture reveres elders and children care for their ageing parents as their duty. But this article showed another angle. Adults consider it their duty to eat healthfully, exercise, and be prudent with money so they do not place an undue burden on their adult children and society when they are elderly.
Sheila! This post is fantastic. I’m working on a blog post of my own, probably more like 2 or 3, and under the heading “READ BOUNDARIES,” I will totally be linking to this post. You apply the “burden and load” concepts perfectly.
And yes, to people who are used to caving in to others A LOT, these principles might seem harsh. But I have seen Boundaries in action. And they work!! If the recipient gets SUPER MAD, that’s an excellent indication the boundaries are working!!
Now, a request that is slightly off-topic. Will you please send me info on knitting sweaters? I’m thinking my mom and her assisted-living gang would LOVE to knit these darling sweaters for kids in need. I recently learned that humans thrive when they have community, purpose, and hope. Mom has community but I’ve been trying to figure out how she might have purpose and hope. I think knitting sweaters would totally give her hope.
Again, thanks for your super helpful post!!
Yes, absolutely love the book Boundaries! I’ll send you an email with the sweater information. 🙂
This is such a hard topic, because on the one hand, it is very difficult thing for an older person to lose the skills and resources for sovereignty in their own lives. But on the other hand, I have seen many older people who are extremely selfish and proud. The prime example, my mil refused to move to an apartment with modern conveniences, but is incapable of living by herself in her home with limited water and a woodstove. Various relatives- including my husband and I, twice- have tried to live with her to help out, but she has complaints about every one- too many children, different eating habits, too much tv, too much outside work, too little chatting, not following her chore schedule, etc. She has never realized that for each of us it was a sacrifice we made for her. Her expectations at times amaze me- if she was a child, she would never get away with the selfishness she exhibits. I try to keep this in mind, with the hope that I will not be as selfish at her age.
We have a large family still at home and grandchildren of our own. Our parents also live far away. My step parents have the money to make needed repairs to their home, but prefer to live as they are, unless we pay for the work. I have concerns about safety and have done a lot, but cannot continue. My mother-in-law spends all of her money on finery, then manipulates us to pick up the shortfall or to “do more” for her. When do we stop feeling guilty for saying no? The real question is “How do we stand firm–no matter how much handwringing, no matter how poor the response from them, and no matter what they say about us to others?” It often feels like emotional abuse. What is a Godly relationship with aging parents who behave badly? It doesn’t look pretty.
I’m so sorry! What can complicate the situation, too (although I don’t know if this is the case with you) is that with increasing age people can lose their judgment, and so they may honestly not understand what they’re doing. And that’s when you really have to sit down and have a hard conversation. “Mom and Dad, you’re not capable of looking after your own finances anymore, and we need to have power of attorney.” If that’s not the case, though, and it’s just that they’re selfish, then drawing boundaries is the only thing to do.