Okay, for Reader Question Monday I thought I’d run one of the most cringe-worthy questions I’ve ever received: What do you do if your child sees a sex photo of you?
A reader writes:
My 10 year old daughter began using a laptop for school this year, but she is not very computer savvy. I generally set it up for her and she stays on the school website – no browsing! Weeellll, this afternoon, she got confused about something and, for whatever reason, thought she had deleted the web browser so went searching for it in the computer’s trash can. It was there that she saw a very compromising photo of her father and I engaged in oral sex. I had no idea that photo was on that computer and am totally horrified! She was crying and traumatized. I haven’t even explained sex to her and I can’t imagine explaining this. I assured her that what I was doing in the picture was in no way sinful and it was something only between her daddy and I, because we are married. In between tears, she was rather curious, but in a horrified sort of way. I also had her pick out a favorite photograph that represents a fun memory. I suggested that, any time she thinks of the computer photo, she should immediately say/think “No!” and then look at her favorite photo and focus her thoughts on remembering that special time. Also, completely deleted the other photo off of the computer and we talked about asking for help and only letting mom or dad open programs and things on the computer for her protection.
Oh, yikes. Oh, crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.
I can just imagine. Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck.
Let’s try to tackle this one, shall we?
Just don’t take sexy photos of yourself.
A few years back we got into a debate on the blog about whether or not it was okay to take sexy photos of yourself. There was an interesting back and forth in the comments about boudoir photos, but the point I was trying to make is that, from a purely marriage standpoint, it isn’t always the best idea because it can reinforce the pornographic view of sex, rather than the intimate view of sex. And you can’t beat porn by becoming porn.
Of course, if you don’t struggle with porn, then this may not be as big of an issue.
But regardless, there’s one overarching issue that can’t be ignored:
Someone else could see those sex pictures!!!!
Many phones automatically save pictures to the cloud, without you realizing. Many phones automatically back up into Dropbox on your computer, without you even realizing. Just because a picture is “deleted” doesn’t mean it’s gone (as this mom found out!).
And what would happen if you and your husband died all of a sudden (not to be morbid)? What if family was going through your computer to find important documents or things to remember you by? (Oh, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes!!!!)
Yes, you may be able to get around it if you’re very tech savvy and you have passwords on the photos, but is it worth the risk? So I’d just say be super, super careful, and maybe this is something that’s best not done.
But, what if you have inadvertently saved sexy pictures of you and your husband to your computer, and your child sees?
Downplay it as much as possible
I know your heart rate will be going at a million beats a minute and you’ll be freaking out inside. But things tend to stick in kids’ minds for longer if they’re associated with strong emotions. If you do not freak out and don’t raise the tension level, then perhaps they won’t realize what a big deal this is and it may be able to be brushed off easier. So try to keep yourself matter-of-fact. Make a very quick prayer and ask God to quiet your heart and calm your child before you say anything!
If they don’t know about sex yet…
If they’re very young and aren’t even aware of what sex is, then just be nonchalant, and say something like, “I didn’t mean for you to see that, honey, because that’s just for Daddy and me. When married people are together, sometimes we touch each other because it feels good, but you really don’t need to think about that now until you’re older.”
If they do know about sex…
Don’t assume that just because the child knows what sex is that they will realize that this is what they saw! I know that sounds strange, but kids have a hard time actually picturing what sex may look like, and the shock of the picture may not register as “this is what Mommy and Daddy were talking about when they told me that’s where babies came from.”
So try a similar approach as above, with a few modifications: “Remember how we told you that married people like to touch each other? Well, that’s what that is, but it’s something special between married people, and I am so sorry that I left that where you could see it.”
I like this mom’s idea of substituting another image…
If your child is very upset, I really like this mom’s idea of thinking about a great picture and conjuring that up whenever you think about the sex photo. I think that’s very creative!
Pray that God will protect your child’s mind
Kids really can forget images! It doesn’t have to affect them for a long time or scar them for life. It really doesn’t. So just pray God’s protection over their minds, and pray for peace for yourself, because you’ll need it! (and I know it may be hard to sleep for a while after that!).
What if your child inadvertently sees porn?
We’ve been talking about kids seeing personal pictures, but let’s face it: Kids can also be doing absolutely nothing wrong online and come across some really pornographic images.
When my kids were about 10-12, I remember watching some Agatha Christie Miss Marple movies with them. Agatha Christie, people! That’s safe, right?
Apparently not. We were watching A Pocketful of Rye, and right in the middle of it, with no warning, is a scene of a couple having sex in not exactly the missionary position. You couldn’t see body parts, but it was obvious what they were doing. It was only about a 5 second clip, but boy was it jarring. I had to hit pause really quickly and say to the girls, “Okay, let’s just ignore that! That really shouldn’t have been there.”
I also remember when Katie was 13 having an incident with a Facebook group she was part of. It was one of these groups for Christian girls about how beauty is on the inside, and tell each other we’re beautiful, etc. etc. Pretty harmless stuff. A bunch of teen girls that she knew had joined, so she joined.
The group had 125,000 members.
Well, somebody decided to post some extremely graphic disgusting porn pictures on that group’s wall. I saw them; Katie hadn’t. So I made Katie remove it from her profile, and all was “well”, I suppose.
But what it reinforced to me is that you can’t protect my kids from everything. Even when you think you’re taking a ton of precautions, stuff still gets through. That’s why I think it’s great to have Covenant Eyes filters on your computers, tablets, and devices, to reduce the risk that they’ll inadvertently come across something. (And when you sign up with Covenant Eyes, and use the coupon code TLHV, you get a month free!)
It’s also just important, though, to keep the lines of communication open about sex, certainly at least by the time the kids are 10, so that they understand that sometimes they may see naked pictures, and what to do when they come across it.
So after that totally cringe-worthy question, I’d love to hear some wisdom from you! Did this ever happen to you and your kids? Or did you ever see your parents in a compromising position? Any words of wisdom for us? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Good Morning Sheila – I would have to say that there is probably deeper issues going on here than we are aware of. Just saying based on the type of picture.. Grace and I had one type of thing of that nature that has long been destroyed. The root of it was not healthy. Thankfully it wasn’t digital and is not recoverable. I agree that really those types of pictures should not be taken in the first place and pretty much justifying porn with “porn” does not work. I mean – hey so lets say you take that picture and never destroy it. Do you really think your children want to see it as an adult either? My Father In law is the king of pictures and slides etc. When we visit he still gets out the movie screen (it is actually permanently installed lol) and the slide projector or we watch old videos converted to digital format. I usually fall asleep lol. I recall many years ago sitting and watching the slide show and a picture of my Mother In law popped up and she was just standing there in her underwear no bra. It was not meant for us obviously. We did get a laugh out of that one. I suppose it was harmless enough. Yet, I just don’t really need to see that. Nor do I want to. So maybe we all do stuff I guess that is questionable. Seriously though….not sure 10-15 years from now we want to see that again or my children would want to see their Grandmother in that format. Some things just need to be left as personal. With regard to pictures; Grace and I were going through a bunch of stuff this weekend in an attempt to purge. We ended up going through pictures and some tough stuff came up. There was this picture of a me and a woman that I used to work with. She was standing behind me. My wife saw this and she pressed me on it. See, I set up a date with me , my wife who was my girlfriend at the time and this woman from work to go skiing. It was obviously screwed up. My wife called me out on this when she saw this woman in the picture. We never talked about it in this light before. It wasn’t just an acknowledgement from me either. It was deeper discussion that lead to uncomfortable silence for a period. I had to admit and take it on the chin. Then I ran into a picture of the man who molested me. Now see, there was not anything sexual about this picture, but yet boy does it speak a million words. To make it just a bit worse there was also a picture of my molester when he was about 12-14. It was his middle school picture he apparently gave me. Thats how sick he was. So you see, it seems to me that the damage runs much more deeper than just a picture in some cases. Though the picture can have great impact. I will say that Grace and I did have some fun with many of the pictures and memories we found. Just grateful that as time goes on the past is healing and there is less and less of this kind of garbage floating to the surface in my life. I hope the same is true for others. Have a good day all.
Great points about seeing pictures years later, Phil! That’s exactly why the practical aspect of this one to me is so important.
And it’s amazing the conversations old pictures can lead to, isn’t it? Glad you’re finding some healing!
Honest question Sheila. My wife and I saw a military movie with her family once with soldiers overseas. One of them Skypes his wife at home and you can tell where the video call was going. If this was a couple separated due to war and not anything within their control, would more leeway be granted?
Hi Nick! Great question. I don’t think it’s a question of leeway as much as it is just avoiding these types of issues–where others can see photos! There’s an interesting discussion on the original post in the comments about military marriages, I think, but I always come back to this: do you really want to risk anyone seeing it? Because there’s the huge practical aspect of it, too!
Hi NIck. not sure if this answers your question: I was seperated from my wife for the better part of 8 months while I took on a new job. I am not shameful in the very least of how we communictaed sexually while I was away. I do not have to explain myself to my children or anyone else because there is no evidence for them to see or know about. I am comfortable with what God saw and the lack of aftermath. Technology doesnt make it right. Technology can although be helpful. I see it as a balance. For me the key is no shame. This woman obviously has shame.
I am curious about Covenant Eye, does it work from everywhere and in every language ? With bilingual kids at home I found some systems only worked well in the language they were set up, which is not very useful….
That’s a problem for me, too.
My 7 year just started using the computer and I considered covenant eyes, but wasn’t sure about the language. I know that they used it at some point in our church’s drug rehab and internship program but the language was an issue. Would be great to know if this improved… For now my daughter is not allowed to surf the web by herself.
I remember talking about the issue of sexy photos with a good friend of mine. She talked about the difference between suggestive and revealing photos, and I thought was a good insight. It’s one thing to take a seductive photo to send to your spouse (like a wife wearing his shirt with a couple of buttons undone) and another to expose yourself in the image (like no shirt). The former would be embarrassing or uncomfortable for family members to find, but not horrifying.
But given that this photo already existed, I do think this mom handled things well overall, and I like your suggestions!
I look at it this way, I’m not going to have this figure forever. I find it kinda creepy to think of my husband 20 years down the road looking at my 24 year old body in photos when my 44 year old body is going to be a whole lot different. He’s promised to love me through life, the changes and ups and downs included, I don’t want him to be lusting after my 20s body when all I have to give him is my 40s body!
However, in the spirit of full disclosure, my husband (who is a photographer) sometimes likes to take publicly inappropriate photos of me, but without a memory card in the camera. The image appears and as soon as the camera is shut off it’s erased. There is no back up of the image because there is no memory to store the image on. We find it a fun change of pace to take pictures, but this way there is no saved evidence- ever!
my question: what about all the teens that are texting nude or suggestive images as the new form of ‘ flirting’…. I think this topic of sex pictures needs to be talked more then we think especially with teens, who most likely don’t comprehend the full risk this kind of thing involves.
What about it?
Yes, you should talk to your teens and preteens and really seriously think about smartphone policies.
They need to understand that this stuff is really, really serious. It’s the type of thing that could land you in jail. Just recently I saw an article about an 18 year old who was having intimate relations with a 16 year old. The sex was lawful, because the age of consent of the state was 16. BUT, the guy still went to jail for child pornography or distributing lewd material to a minor or some such. So the two were having sex -> a-ok (in the eyes of the court). They were sexting -> criminal offence. Don’t know if he had to register as a sex offender or not.
Girls also need to know boys talk. And revenge porn is a thing. And the internet is forever. This is the type of thing that destroys careers years after the fact (the unfortunately named Mr. Weiner comes to mind. Didn’t he just go to prison?)
Wow, what a lot to take in. Many parents have had to explain their sexual interactions with kids that have walked in on them having sex. Whether you take sexy pictures of you and your spouse or not, this can be an issue for a couple. Great thoughts on how to handle the reactions.
If you are having sex in your bedroom, one of the kids might walk in and see you doing it. Does that mean you should never have sex? Of course not. You take reasonable precautions like having and using a lock on the door, a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign or whatever.
I think the same thing applies with intimate pictures. You take reasonable precautions. If they do wind up seeing something in spite of what you do, you deal with it then according to the circumstances same as if they walked in on you. It might be something that could be a teachable moment for them.
Ten is much to old for her not to know the basics of sex and what pornography is. This incident is the proof. She could just as easily have been somewhere where another child talked to her about sex or showed her an inappropriate image. It only takes seconds. You want to be proactive and be the one who makes “first contact” with your child about sex. You don’t want to do damage control after they’ve been initiated inappropriately.
Thank God this happened at home. It’s not a matter of if bit when.