Do husbands only ever think about sex?
Today for Wifey Wednesday I thought I’d get back to basics and tackle a question I get a lot–is sex the only thing that’s important to husbands?
Now, I know that for many women, husbands’ low libido is a huge problem. And if that’s your marriage, this series on why your husband doesn’t want to have sex is likely a better one for you.
But for every woman who has ever asked, “is that all he ever thinks about?”, I thought we’d tackle this today!
One woman wrote to me:
Reader Question
First, let me say that twenty years ago I could have written that paragraph myself. I was so disenchanted with sex, and it seemed like it was wrecking my marriage because Keith wanted it and I didn’t, and all we seemed to do was fight over it. It was terrible. And I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. It really seemed like God made sex just for men, and then He told us women that we had to do it if we’re married, almost like it’s legal prostitution.
I know that sounds harsh, but I’m saying it just to give any women out there in a similar boat encouragement. I truly do understand.
When I was going through this I read a few Christian books about sex that told me how I had to for my husband, and how it was this beautiful thing, and I thought the authors were off their rockers. I was so angry when I read them, and since I happened to be in the bath at the time (that’s where I read most of my books), I ended up drowning them, good and dead.
But I don’t feel like that now, and so I want to focus this post on how I overcame that.
First, though, I do want to acknowledge that some women are in relationships with men who truly ARE only interested in women to use them. They treat their wives like sex objects. That is unacceptable. Sometimes the way that we talk about men’s sexual needs, though, makes it sound like God does want women to be sex objects, which is why I wrote a series in June asking us to talk about men’s sexuality in a different way.
So if your husband truly is using you, and honestly doesn’t care anything for you EXCEPT what you give him in bed, then please go back and read my series from June on healthy sexuality.
Other Posts in our Every Man’s Battle Series on Lust:
However, many of us truly feel that husbands only think about one thing–when we also know deep down that husbands do love us.
It’s just that sex seems to be the catalyst for so many problems in marriage. The tension is pulling us apart. I know what happened in my marriage is that I totally misunderstood what was going on in Keith’s head, and a lot of it was fuelled by what I believed the church was telling me about sex. Keith definitely wanted sex a lot, and so I would “let” him (though I just couldn’t get into it). This created a cycle where Keith wanted sex even more, because what he really needed wasn’t release; it was intimacy. He needed to feel like we were experiencing something together, and I didn’t like it.
So he was desperate to feel loved, and at the same time I saw sex as something more and more negative. I’d hear how men need sex, and I had to “do it”, but that made me so angry. And then Keith would pull away because I didn’t seem to be trying to connect. It was just a big, huge mess. It wasn’t that Keith didn’t care about me feeling good at all; it was that I believed he didn’t care because I was so angry and hurt that I couldn’t see beyond it.
Are you at a mess when it comes to your sex life, too?
Let’s take a step back, then. Let’s stop looking at sex as an obligation for a minute and get out of this anger cycle, and let’s go back to first principles.
Let’s say you’ve been told your whole life that something is good. That something is amazing. That something is earth shattering. And then you experience it, and it seems not that good. It’s boring, it’s a lot of work, and it’s a little degrading. What do you do?
At this point you have two choices. You can decide to forget about it, and just believe the rest of the world is totally deluded, or you can take a deep breath and say, “I must be missing something. Why don’t I put some effort into this so I can figure out what it is I’m missing, because I’d really like to be deliriously happy like everyone else seems to be, too.”
The second approach is better, but it’s hard to get to because it requires seeing past your own feelings. Sometimes, though, that’s the only way forward.
When you’re in a car accident, you have to go through physical therapy to learn to walk again. It seems hopeless. It seems like you may never make progress. But you do it because you know it’s worth it.
In this case, you may not know it’s worth it because you’ve never experienced how great sex can be. Instead it seems to cause tension between you and your husband. But trust me, if you put the work in, you can come out on the other side. Don’t settle for a lousy sex life, or no sex life at all. It can be better. It really can! Rather than growing resentful and angry and starting this negative cycle, see beyond it.
If that’s all he thinks about, then doesn’t that make him an animal?
There’s another problem with the way this woman is thinking, though (again, assuming that abuse is not a factor in her letter). It’s not just that she finds it impossible to believe that sex can be good. It’s that she seems her husband as somehow animalistic.
This woman seems very angry at her husband because he wants it so much. He basically seems like a beast in her eyes, because all he wants is physical release. And if that’s how he actually experiences love, then that’s pathetic.
Again, these are extremely common feelings for women, and it’s exactly what I felt. When sex isn’t that great for you, and he’s so focused on it, then there does seem something rather infantile about our him. Our husbands have no self-control. They’re so immature. They haven’t risen above their physical needs the way we have.
But here’s where you really have to step outside of yourself for a minute. Assuming that your husband is not a controlling, narcissistic man, then your husband honestly does need sex in a way that you don’t, and THIS ISN’T WRONG. I know it feels wrong to you, but it truly isn’t. In the middle of all that tension in our marriage, I truly didn’t understand that Keith’s biggest need was not for sexual release; it was for connection. And when he wasn’t getting it, it just made him want sex even more to try to reassure him that I did love him. And that pushed me away even more. And it got worse and worse.
Part of the problem, I think, is that I also didn’t understand what sexual passion looked like.
I think we women need to let go a little bit. We like being in control and sex, when it’s good, makes us very vulnerable and very open. I think that’s part of what can repel some women, because it doesn’t seem quite proper. But we’re not supposed to be proper all the time. And God created sex as a passionate expression of how He feels about us. If you’re never experienced that when you’re making love, you need to.
So here’s what I would say: with women, our feelings usually follow our minds.
Start believing that sex can be wonderful. Start believing that one day you will get there. Start believing that God actually made it for you, too.
And then talk to your husband about it. Tell him that you do want it to be good, you just can’t see how right now. But that’s where you’re aiming for.
Then, if you want to move forward and get past this tension, I have two resources for you. The first is my Boost Your Libido course, a 10-module video based course that helps you understand female libido–and start to actually increase it! It’s written so that you can start to see immediate results, even after the first video, and everything else just builds on there. What many women have said after video 1 is that they’ve had a huge breakthrough and they get it now. They just didn’t see what libido really looked like for women!
It’s a super fun course, and I wrote it for women who want so much more out of their sex lives, and don’t want to settle for less. Check it out here!
Then there’s my 31 Days to Great Sex challenge. These really go great together–start Boost Your Libido, and then a few weeks later start 31 Days with your husband! But it’s a series of exercises you do together that help you move towards great sex. Sure, some of the exercises are super spicy! But many of them help you talk about sex for real for the first time; help you to understand how each other sees sex and what you need; help you to learn to be more affectionate, to flirt more, even to figure out what feels good! And I’ve kept the ebook price super inexpensive so that it can help so many couples.
I let myself believe a lot of wrong things about sex for so long, and it put a real wedge in our relationship. It fuelled a lot of anger and disenchantment, and made me see Keith in the totally wrong way. One of my big goals for this blog is that I can help couples avoid that. And it starts by changing how we’re thinking. Stop focusing on your feelings, and focus on what you know is true. That’s the key!
Now let me know in the comments: Do you understand this woman’s perspective? Do you ever feel like sex is only about his release? What can we do about that?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Hey Sheila. So from the mans perspective I will say yes, when I was practicing my unhealthy sexuality and it active sexual addixtion, you could pretty much say 95% of the time sex was the objective and only thing i thought about. It was inserted into everything in some way with the end game being sexual gratification. As a healthy person the connection peice is spot on. This past Sunday we were at Sunday school as usual. They have food there every week. Due to upcoming Halloween week they had some candy. The had my favorite reeses peanut butter cup and they also had kit kat. When Grace realized I only got for my self she asked me why I didn’t get her the kit kat. I got to thinking about that and came up with this.
When we are close and keeping each others love tank full, when I see the kit kat I think of it as Grace’s favorite candy. When we are not keeping each others love tank full I see it as a kit kat.
Now mind you sex is not required for me to see/think this way. Its that give and take that comes from loving each other. Being loved they way we want to be loved. The more I am loved the way I want to ve loved the easier it is for me to give the way she wants to be loved. For me personally I have to get over the fact that I mist give first to get taht connection re-established when it fades. Anyway. Always good to see this again and re-apply. I have to practice this stuff. Thanks & have a great day
I hear you about the KitKat. When we do feel close, it is more natural to do loving things for each other, without having to deliberately think about it.
Thanks so much for admitting, too, that there was a time for you when sex was entirely physical, and not about connection. I think some women need to hear that–that their concerns are valid, and it may very well be that for this particular woman, that was happening in her marriage, too.
But it also may be that it was more like my marriage in the early years. That’s what’s so difficult about so many of these letters. It really could be either thing. But I do want women to see that we can see sex differently, just like I spent that week in June showing how men can crave connection, too!
As a man, this nails it. I don’t do pornography and I waited for marriage. It’s really hard when my wife does not want to have sex with me. To be fair, she has some past abuse and such. For me, I was the guy who was always friendzoned and everything else. My wife is the woman who has treated me differently. When there’s no sex, I’m pretty much just a glorified roommate in my mind. It’s also a message that I get about me. I’m undesirable and I don’t bring joy and I’m just not exciting. It really hurts a man’s view of himself and he keeps wanting more because he has to improve himself.
No matter how bad my day is going, if my wife does something sexual for me, that changes EVERYTHING!
Yes, I totally believe you! And I think that’s supposed to be the beauty of sex, that it does bring us together. Unfortunately, because of that power it also has the potential to bring us far apart!
I know exactly how you feel. My wife has absolutely no sex drive and I try little things to spice up our sex life but with no success. When we are having sex, things are great but when we don’t have sex for a period of time, I fell like if I have to constantly ask for her to show me affection than I’m basically asking her to show me that she wants me and if I have to ask than is it truly love? This has been an issue for the last 6 years. When we were trying to have kids, she was all about sex but once we were finished I told her that I felt used and that the only reason we ever had sex was because she wanted kids and now that we’re done, I don’t matter anymore. Typically we go about 2 to 3 weeks before we start fighting again about sex. This trend has been going on for the last 6 years and I’m done. I’ve said the same thing “we’re just roommates” and as much as she hates hearing it, it’s true and nothing I say or do has helped. I feel defeated and I just want to quit but I will not quit because my kids me more to me than anything and I will no put them through a split home.
This is a wonderful post. It portrays my early sexual feelings and disappointments pretty well. I entered marriage with expectations of fireworks and physical ecstasy.
Neither happened. I also entered marriage knowing that my husband would want regular frequent sex. I was under the impression that would be easy because I loved him so much. I also thought getting up several times every night to feed a baby would be easy too, until I had a sick colicky infant. Reality doesn’t sink in until you are experiencing it.
I’ve worked pretty hard over the past 30 years to learn to enjoy sex. I’ve learned how to psych myself up mentally, I’ve learned how to climax, and I’ve learned how to tune out my mental world. Years of hard work. I’ve never have experienced fireworks or physical ecstasy through sex. It’s gotten harder since menopause but I will say, I have learned to appreciate sex as a way to express my love for my husband.
Part of my early issues seem to stem around the fact that, for my husband, sex was all about the physical. What can we try, what turns each other on, what feels good, what doesn’t, he’s horny, etc. He never talked about sex in the emotional sense. I honestly believe he didn’t realize how sex was so emotionally charged for him. If he didn’t see it, how was I supposed to? I truly think it was all about the sex for him.
Blinded by testosterone.
What I find sad, is how we assume that men can only feel love and affection through sex. As a society, I think we encourage that scenario.
It has taken my husband years plus issues with sexual functioning for him to Learn how to Feel loved and appreciated through other forms of intimacy. If only he had learned those earlier on, perhaps the emphasis on sex wouldn’t have been so grave and so ‘off putting’ for me at the time. But then, perhaps I would have never learned to appreciate what sex had to offer me either.
It’s wonderful we are opening up to the fact that sex and it’s potentials don’t just come naturally to many women. We need to learn to appreciate it and learn how to enjoy it.
Now, if we could only encourage men to learn how to open up to and to ‘really feel’ (just like they want us to feel about sex) emotional connection through other forms of intimacy also, the emotional health of the marriage wouldn’t lie solely on the female’s shoulders.
I agree with you completely about how our culture socializes men. There are several good websites with information about how boys are socialized out of showing affection. How boys and men cannot express affection with their friends. It’s a tragedy and we need to raise our boys differently.
Sheila,
Thank you for this, it is very important. I have noticed several things in my years of dealing with couples that you touch on here. I’ll state them bluntly.
1) Women tend to think they are right about everything.
2) Women tend to think that men are animals.
3) Women tend to think that they are better than men.
4) Women tend to want to control everything in marriage.
If some could unpack there and see the causes and results, their marriage would improve.
And men need to step up to the plate and “dwell with them with understanding.” (1 Peter 3:7). They have their own set of problems.
And another related thought that I warn every young person about: If you truly don’t want to have frequent, constant sex, DO NOT get married. Friendship is friendship, marriage is marriage, by God’s design.
Lastly, when a person knocks at your door, they keep knocking until you open, then they stop. If there is no answer after a long time, they go away. Think about this when your husband keeps knocking, and also when he stops.
You are doing a great work. God bless you.
I’d add in something to what you said.
With the modern feminist movement, there is a war on men today. It’s something I would like to see Sheila comment on.
(It’s also interesting that all the commenters on this post so far have been men.)
I agree – there is definitely a war on men in the US. I would assume the same is happening in Canada as well.
I am a woman and I must speak out. I do not think I am always right, I do not think I am better than any man – we are all equal.
If you look up the true meaning of feminism it is equality, nothing more, nothing less. Social, political and financial equality.
I usually initiate sex because my husband is a recovering sex addict and we agreed I will initiate while he is in recovery. Surprise! I initiate nearly EVERY DAY! Yes, I enjoy sex, physical, emotional and spiritual connection. Sometimes I need just the physical first in order to connect emotionally and spiritually. I work with many women who feel very much the same as me. So, please do not group all women together. I do not Group all my nen together, we are individuals.
I may be sheltered in some way, but I don’t see the “war on men” that I’ve started seeing some social media messages and groups about. The modern feminist movement is certainly not in line with what I believe, and I think feminism as a movement has outgrown its usefulness. But I don’t think there is some nefarious plot in the minds of women to make men miserable. We’re just trying to find our way through life the same as you.
I’m just very wary of any “war on…” phrases because they divide us into stereotyped groups instead of helping us to see that we’re all individuals created by God with individual strengths and weaknesses. And seeing the opposite sex as a group that is doing wrong to you is likely not going to make your marriage stronger.
I did not hear growing up the sex was amazing. Even now it seems most of the women I know could take it or leave it. There are some who love it and they live with low libido husbands. I try to believe that it is good since God created it. But he also created mosquitos so there is that. I was curious about it obviously and I always wanted kids so knew sex would be a part of that.
I want to believe that it’s amazing and just as much for women as men but that’s hard with my loved experience.
And I’ve ask my husband if sex is relational or just physical to him and he says 75% of the time it’s just physical.
Also to the commenter above, how are we supposed to know if we want frequent sex if we’ve never had it?
“how are we supposed to know if we want frequent sex if we’ve never had it?”
How are you supposed to know if you love chocolate/ice cream/whatever if you never tried it?
I understand that John but with chocolate or ice cream there isn’t the expectation that if I try it I’d better be ready to have it daily.
I agree totally with you there. I dont want ice cream daily either, even tho do love it. Doing that all the time is probably not healthy and unreasonable. Once or twice a week is completely reasonable, I think.
Of course, I think every once and a while, ice cream 4 times a week is ok. Holidays, celebrating, etc. But only a couple of times a year, if that. But you should try it then.
I think what I find hardest about your comment is the fact that your husband doesn’t seem to see how sex can be relational, too. Or how they feed each other–the emotional feeds the physical, and vice versa. I think women would have a much easier time embracing sex if their husbands explained the intimacy aspect, too. That’s so important. But when it’s only ever talked about as a physical release, it really does make it hard for women to embrace it. We simply must find a new way of talking about this (which is what I tried to do here).
Mike,
I’m sure you realize those are blanket statements, and not true for all women.
The thing is, how we have been treated (and how loved ones have been treated) greatly influences how we look at life, including the prejudices we have. Frankly, if it weren’t for some terrific men I’ve had in my life like my dad, my brother, and some male friends, I’d probably be in the “all men are jerks” camp now, because of how I’ve been treated by some men. Would that attitude be helpful? No, but everyone has their story that contributes to how they feel.
Yes, I would totally agree.
How is a girl supposed to know whether or not she wants “frequent, constant sex”? Do you have some kind of magic pill that will alter her (God -given) monthly hormones so that she can and will always want and enjoy sex? Can you even understand what it might be like to be required to give something to your mate whenever she wants it, that is supposed to be a deep intimate experience for you both, and really is just a lot of work and disappointment and discomfort to yourself, while she enjoys it thoroughly, rolls over and goes to sleep and wakes up wanting more, since it was so fun for her?
I made vows, and I keep them. But it is colossally frustrating to hear from men, who have never struggled with pain, discomfort and frequent failure when it comes to sex – who experience arousal pretty much at will, which is something I would almost kill for! – give advise such as “if you didn’t want sex, you shouldn’t have gotten married” as if the average woman’s body is that simple and that easy. It’s not.
Like I said, I keep my vows. I work all day to fake enough excitement, so that my husband isn’t by my lack of “interest” – and every now and then, bless my heart, I get to enjoy sex. But either way, I do it. To be honest tho, had I known this was sex, I would most definitely have spared both my husband and myself by remaining single.
And I apologize, because I realize this sounds very angry towards you. I guess I feel angry at sex in general, and your words stirred it up. Your advise is really pretty sound, and I’m just in a bad place, I suppose. Anyway, I do wish I could do it over. I’d rather be lonely my whole life than be bound to sex like this. (And, my husband is a great man who really does try to make sex fun for me! The problem really lies with my own body and it’s limitations.)
I thank you for your response. You have eloquently expressed what I have felt for years.
I too have a wonderful, kind, gentle husband whom I love with all my heart.
I had no idea what constant, frequent, and might I add unrelenting sex meant until I started living with it. I too, may have never married had I known I would be bound to sex like this.
To have known that my enthusiasm for sex and my ability to enjoy sex, would drive his whole outlook on life, his feelings about himself, and his feelings towards me, would have created second thoughts about committing to such a large responsibility. Especially knowing how difficult sex would be for me.
I too, keep my vows. I don’t withhold. I am guilty of gatekeeping at times, when I’m at risk of averse feelings. I can’t let aversion take over. That would ruin my momentum. I totally love my husband, I have learned how to be sexually intimate where he feels loved, but sex still isn’t easy or fulfilling for me. Sex doesn’t make me feel loved. I must be missing something. I know sex is important to my husband and to the marriage. So I carry on.
Though I’m tired.
Thank you Sheila for letting some of us speak what’s true for us even if it’s not the way it’s supposed to be.
Sheila, everything you have said is spot on. I really like your statement about making a decision to move forward in spite of not totally understanding or feeling like sex is great. That’s what I did. I moved forward because I had to choose to believe that since sex was important to my husband, it would be important to me, too. I had to believe that God, our creator, is good. He wouldn’t make something for marriage that was bad for it.
It takes making that decision and then pursuing information about sexual intimacy. Sex really is for the wife, too. She just comes at it from a different angle. After rebuilding our marriage, I was surprised to find that I came away with the emotional connection from him I’d been yearning all along. Who knew that the path to emotional connection, often times, includes sex? Sexual intimacy is an emotional experience for most husbands. And who are we as women to say what emotional intimacy should look like for our husbands? He is different from me as X is from Y.
So true, Bonny! It is a strange leap to make–I believe it is good because God says it is, even if I can’t see it–but it does make all the difference!
Oh how I wish my wife would just believe this. Or at least consider the possibility. But she flatly refuses too, convinced she has absolutely no need for sex, and that I should respect that.
How much money is your libido course?
It’s $39! You can see all the details here. Thanks for asking!
Sheila, you’re right about the misunderstandings about sex that many bring into marriage. And the church has played a terrible role in this. My sexless marriage turned around a year and a half ago, because God brought both my wife and me to new understandings about sex. She realized refusal is a sin, and I finally realized how relational it is. I didn’t need orgasms, I needed my wife.
Somewhere I ran across the online version of a marriage series from some church. I’ve never been able to find it again, but the pastor was very frank about the role the church has played in undermining healthy sex in marriage by not teaching the truth about the flesh. I learned that there are even two different Greek words about the flesh, one pertaining to the body and the other referring to the sin nature.
My wife has worked very hard on her relationship with God, for a long time more than her relationship with me. But I found she and I had a true misunderstanding about the flesh. Sex is physical, therefore having to do with our flesh, therefore it is not necessarily evil but certainly not very spiritual. She was regarding my desire for sex with her as evidence of lack of spiritual maturity. She regarded her own view of sex as more spiritual. Not that this ever got put into so many words, but we both had a totally wrong view. She looked down on my sexuality as “low” and I was ashamed of desiring sex so badly. I wasn’t so much an animal as a less spiritual Christian.
That’s all past now, and we have a correct understanding of sex as the physical expression of an intimacy that is expressed in many other ways as well. If only the church, any church, taught the truth. Well, God took me online to one that did. If I can ever find that site again, I will share it with everyone that I can.
I want to add to my comment above, maybe in a bit of a confession. I think most women have no idea how lonely most men feel. Most men never have even one or two male friends during an entire lifetime with whom they can truly be themselves. Oh yes, there is often lots of companionship, acquaintances, good fellowship even. But to find that close intimacy for a man is a rare thing. Even the secular world knows that “it is not good for a man to be alone.” Listen to the song “Desperado” by The Eagles, and you’ll find how most men walk through this life.
That brings me to my relationship with my wife, and I think I am speaking for many men here. She is the love of my life, the one I’ve opened my heart to, the one I long for complete intimacy with, and therefore, of all human relationships, she is the most able to fill my heart, or to crush it. For me, that intimacy is most obviously expressed sexually, the time where the union of bodies mirrors the union of hearts. So when I approach my wife for sex, my body has physical needs that are crying to be met with her, but mostly it’s my heart that is longing for that total intimate union.
What I didn’t realize was that my view of my sexual needs, warped by misunderstandings and lack of the Biblical truth, had trained me to back off from initiating sex because that was not being very spiritual. It was giving in to my flesh. And a godly man can’t do that. Or at least, it had better be only regretfully indulged in. It’s pretty bad when a man has to feel like he needs to repent from sexually desiring his wife.
Yes, men need to pay more attention to the relational aspects of sex. And we men need to realize that our wives also crave intimacy, in ways that may not make sense to us. For instance, my wife connects through conversation. For me, talking is mainly a means of communicating information. I finally realized that the very act of conversing with me means intimacy with me to my wife. I must be stupid, but it took me a long to time realize that.
So, dear wives, please understand that your husband, when he craves sex, is really craving you. And he may not even realize that yet himself. Don’t let him treat you merely as a means to sexual gratification. But the operative word there is “merely.” When I’m intimate with my wife, in all the ways a couple should be intimate, I’m immensely gratified sexually. But it’s so much more, more than I ever thought, more than anyone ever led me to believe. Let’s start to teach our sons and daughters, long before they marry, that sex can and should be wonderful, but the basis of that “wonderfulness” is our union in Christ as husband and wife.
“please understand that when your husband is craving sex, he is craving you”. But what if he very clearly tells you otherwise? What if he says, “Babe. I love you, but sex is just sex. I want it, and it’s your job to give it to me, just like I would give it to you if you wanted it and I didn’t.” (Like that last scenario has ever happened!)
If he says that, he is totally misunderstanding what God made sex for. He needs to repent any selfishness, and he needs to learn better. The problem is that most men (and I suspect most women) never get taught what sex is all about, from a solid Biblical foundation. I’m 60 now, and I didn’t figure it out until a couple of years ago. I certainly had no help along the way. Not from my dad, nor my church, nor any male mentors, nothing, zip. All I heard is, Don’t have sex until you’re married. Then you’ll figure it out. I thank God every day that he led me to some online resources, including this blog, that opened my eyes. Finally, Christians, at least some of them, are being honest about married sex, the problems, the victories, the pain, the joy. And by being vulnerable and open, people like Sheila are paving the way for others like you and me to share our experiences, frustrations, and triumphs. By so doing, people are given hope. It’s not easy, it’s a long path to healing, and some may not see it this side of heaven. I was fooling myself for so long, and I had some honest misunderstandings. I can hear your pain and frustration. Keep praying for your husband, that his eyes will be opened to understand what a treasure he has in you. Maybe direct him to this blog.
“I think most women have no idea how lonely most men feel.”
Bob, my thoughts are that men’s inability to form intimate bonds with others is a societal construct and not a natural state of being. Life would be much easier for both spouses if men could feed some of their relational/intimate needs through outlets other than just sports and sex. It’s a sad state of affairs really.
Women tend to be givers. They often give to the detriment of their own health and mental wellbeing. They get tired. When sex is such a dire need for a man, a woman can get plain old tired of giving. There are times she’s spent her giving capabilities. Her cup needs to be filled in order to continue to give. Many woman have a very difficult time enjoying sex. Often it is more work than pleasure. It doesn’t always fill her cup just because it fills his. Even when we “believe” he is craving us, there is still the knowledge that it is driven by his sex drive. If he didn’t have a sex drive, would he still crave us? That’s why it’s so easy for us to complain about “all he ever thinks about is sex.”
Jolie, I’ve been thinking about your answer, and while you address many legitimate concerns, in many ways you miss my point. It would be wonderful if I (and I’m speaking for men in general) could find that fulfillment outside of sex. And there are ways that I can and do connect with others.
But there is one “other” who matters more to me than everyone else in the world combined, and when that relationship is not as close as it should be, nothing else matters. And the way I connect with her that matters most to me and binds me to her is sexually. That’s why when that’s not right, I’m lonely beyond belief, no matter how busy I am and how many people I’m around.
For the past month, one or the other or both of has been sick, and we haven’t had sex for over three weeks. Physically, I feel every nerve on edge and my body (when I’m the well one) is yelling at me for release. But the real issue is that I am emotionally and spiritually disoriented. It’s well and good to say that we have other ways to connect, and we do those things. But I can tell that there is a piece missing that won’t be in place until our bodies are well enough to connect again through sex.
“It is not good for the man to be alone.” Men who have been refused, really refused over time, often pray for God to turn off our sexual desire for our wives. But God made me to have this connection, thus bond of oneness, with my wife. Yes, there is definitely a physical component, and need to get my body chemistry back in harmony, to calm down nerves that are on edge because of the increased testosterone storm in me. But my real need is to not be alone.
Please don’t ask a man to deny how he has been made, to connect with his wife without sex. Sheila admits that she came to understand that her husband wasn’t really looking for a sexual release. He was looking to bind himself more closely to his wife.
I have been reading “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch. Challenging book with loads to digest but the intimacy he is indicating that is possible through sex in long term committed relationships sounds really worth working for. Not something it is easy to discuss with my husband though…tends to end up as a bit of a monologue from me.
I have honestly wondered this countless times… do men only want one thing? Should I just lower my expectations and accept that the man I marry will view me only as an object to fulfill his physical needs? Honestly this very thought makes me never want to marry. 🙁
It’s honestly not true, though! Men truly do long for intimacy and for someone to love in the same way that women do. They just (tend to) experience sexual desire differently. But men’s deepest need is still for intimacy!
Allie, one of the most important things I’ve learned in my marriage is that, even if my husband’s desire for sex seems mostly or only physical, and even if he were to say that it is just physical, it’s not. It’s a physical act that has deep emotional impact on both people. There are at times, and often at different intensities, a physical need for both men and women, and that can be very confusing for a spouse who has a lower physical drive. But, the way I see it, the fuel for that need is still a need for emotional intimacy, even if the person doesn’t recognize it.
I would advise young women to look past the newness of a relationship and all the excitement it entails, and truly think about the future and all the obligatory sex she will have to give. If I realized this is how it would be, I’d have NEVER married.
Oh, Stacy, I’m so sorry for your pain! I don’t know your story, and I’m not sure if the issue is selfishness and/or addiction on your husband’s part, or if it’s just that you really don’t like sex, but if it’s the latter–please believe that it doesn’t have to be this way and that God made you for so much more! Even if you can’t see how sex can be good, can you see how God is good, and how He wanted to make something good for you? If you can believe that about God, then you can walk forward and discover how great sex really is to be. I hope you can get there!
It makes me feel soo sad when I read some of the comments here from women who are struggling with intense emotional pain because of how difficult the sex in their marriages is. Bob is right too much Church teaching in this area is not biblical. It is not surprising that the world gets sex wrong, sin has taken every one of God’s gifts and corrupted them but sadly the Church doesn’t always recognise when it has imbibed the same worldy outlook. We (God’s people) have listened to the world too often in forming our views of what it means to be a man, to be a woman and how we should relate to each other. When we honestly hold our thinking up to what the Bible says we often see how far off track we are. When I think of the Christian men I have known in my life who I have the greatest respect for, they have displayed Christ like qualities and don’t look very much like the world’s view of a ‘manly’ man. Bob talked about how lonely many men are and Jolie was right they don’t have to be. Men have been told for too long to suppress their emotions, that it is unmanly to cry, to not admit their weaknesses and to try to manage on their own and not ask for help. Women are told to just keep giving, loving, caring and supporting, when their emotional tank is empty because nobody is filling it up. None of this is remotely biblical. Thank you to Sheila and others for seeking to help us to see things more biblically. We need to shut our ears to the world’s lies and open our hearts to God’s truth.
There are so many comments here that I wish I could click like buttons on.
Esther’s comment is so very true.
I relate to the two anonymous wife posts. But, I keep moving forward. My husband is a wonderful provider and cares for me so well. But, I have struggled with sex in many different, yet related, ways throughout our marriage.
Wow this has got to be one of the best pieces you have wrote 👍🏼
My major hang up is that I don’t believe that I was ment to enjoy sex. In the beginning of our marriage I tried. I really tried. Now nearly 18 years later, things are no better than they were at the beginning. It really hurts when I see someone post “If you didn’t want to have sex you shouldn’t have got married. ” I was a 28 year old virgin on my wedding day. I wanted to have sex. I wanted to have that close connection with the man I loved. It hasn’t happened yet though. So maybe it just isn’t ment to be.
Sheila, just dropping a note to say thank you for writing on these challenging but relevant topics. Men and women are straight-up wired differently, and it’s a daily exercise to remember that fact, and to NOT blame my husband for his God-given wiring! Instead, I try to come back to the Word, to God’s design, and often your blog, to remind myself that God has good plans for both of me and my husband in our marriage, and that I can practice opening my heart to what that might look like. Thank you, thank you!!