Do you feel frumpy?
Look, no one has to live up to society’s standard of beauty. No one needs to be a size 4. But what I’m talking about has nothing to do with your figure and everything to do with the amount of effort we decide to put into our appearance.
Why should it matter? Because deciding to look put together is also saying, “I take myself seriously. I respect myself.”
And it’s saying one other thing, too. One reader recently left this comment:
So welcome to Fight the Frump Week!
This is what we’re going to be talking about all week! We’re going to be looking at how to fight the frump and feel better about ourselves. We’re going to feel more put together. More organized. More ready to take on the one world! And, especially, more confident with our husbands!
I did this four years ago on the blog, too, and I’ve decided that it’s time to do it again, because it’s super important! How we present ourselves is an extension of how we see ourselves. And when we don’t see ourselves as worth much, that’s going to affect everything–our marriage, our parenting, even our spiritual life.
I think a lot of frump is based in our own personal shame.
Many of you know about my 31 Days to Great Sex book, but that started out as a blog series here, the 29 Days to Great Sex challenge. When I did those challenges, I had immediate feedback from readers on how they were doing. And the challenge that women had the hardest time with was the day I asked women to name five things they liked about their bodies. People gave up in frustration. When I rewrote the challenge for couples as 31 Days to Great Sex, I asked husbands to help their wives with this, because many of us women just can’t do it. All too many of us truly hate our bodies.
And so you hide them in oversized clothes, or ugly clothes, or all black and neutral clothes. You want to forget about your body. You want to ignore it. That’s hardly the recipe for a good sex life or a good marriage! Yours is the only body your husband is allowed to look at. If you’re confident and have fun with your body, so will he.
And God meant for you to enjoy your body. Do you really want to settle for less than God wants for you?
This week, ladies, we’re going to fight back! We’re going to fight the frump, and the attitudes that make us dress frumpy in the first place.
But before I tell you how, let’s go over some of our reasons for looking frumpy. Usually they go something like this:
- I don’t have time to look put together. I’m running ragged all day!
- I want to be comfortable!
- I’m scared to go shopping because I don’t want to confront what my body actually looks like.
- I don’t want to spend money on me.
- I just don’t know how to dress my body type.
So let’s deal with these one one by one.
1. I don’t have time to fight the frump
To fight this one, let me show you something.
I asked my daughter Katie to help take a video last night of me putting on frumpy clothes vs. non-frumpy clothes. And you know what? It takes basically the same amount of time.
It takes no more time to get dressed in clothes that flatter you than it does to get dressed in clothes that don’t flatter you!
And it takes very, very little time to do your hair and makeup, too, if you have a good hairstyle and makeup ready. (We’ll be looking at that tomorrow!)
But look at this: You can wear sweat pants and an oversized T-shirt.
But it takes no more time, really, to get dressed in something super comfortable that fits! (And I deliberately chose something grey with no colour so that all of you who hate wearing colour have no excuses!).
I didn’t even do my hair and makeup. But I still look a whole lot better.
2. I want to be comfortable!
I get it. There are clothes I wear to church or out speaking that I take off immediately when i come home, because I can’t move as easily in them. But guess what? There are plenty of clothing options that you CAN move in that still look great (like the dark grey top in the video!).
And here’s another thing: Many people don’t want to wear their “good”, that they actually like, around the house in case they get splatter on them or the baby spits up. So you wear ugly T-shirts instead that you figure are disposable. But laundry stain remover can get out a lot of bad stuff. And “good” clothes don’t have to be expensive. Sometimes we think of “good” as anything we look good in, so then we’re deliberately not wearing the stuff that we like so that we don’t wreck it. But then we never, ever wear it. That’s hardly a recipe for happiness!
3. I’m embarrassed about my body
Ladies, society wants us to feel ugly. If we feel ugly, we’ll be dissatisfied. We’ll need to fill that void with something. So we’ll buy more food to kill the pain, or we’ll buy vacations, or more weight loss programs, or more magazines to motivate us. If we all felt great in our bodies, if we all owned just a few outfits that made us feel fabulous, why on earth would we need to keep spending money?
Society has a vested interest in you feeling ugly.
Do you want to give our culture that kind of power?
You were bought at a price. God thinks of you as His beautiful bride. God looks at your inner beauty. Who cares what size you are?
Are you letting body image affect your libido?
Or really weird to think of enjoying your body?
Don’t let body image rob you of a great marriage! I talk about body image a ton in my Boost Your Libido course–and I want to help you have an awesome sex life, no matter what you feel you look like.
4. I don’t want to spend money on me
I understand the money issue. You want to spend the money on your family! But do you think it helps your children or your husband to feel as if their mom takes no pride in herself? And I have a friend who is struggling on very little money. She has three kids and she pays for them to have new clothes every year. They always look great.
But she does, too. She’s a very attractive woman, though she’s hardly a size 6! But she knows how to flatter her body. She owns a grand total of 3 pairs of pants (she only has one pair of dress pants). All of her clothes fit in a really small closet. All of her kids have more clothes than she does. But she still looks good, because the clothes she does have fit her and flatter her, and she just pulls on a belt and some jewelry and some nice makeup and she looks all set to go.
I am not saying that you need a closetful of clothes–not at all. I believe that most of us would do far better having five outfits that make us feel amazing than 25 that we bought off of the clearance rack that make us feel lousy. And it is better to spend $35 on two tops that will last and look great than buy 10 $6 tops from a bargain outlet that won’t withstand more than one season of washing in the washing machine.
Sometimes just buying value is so important.
5. I don’t know how to look good. I don’t think it’s possible with my body type.
Most of you reading this managed to give birth. You taught those kids how to use the potty. You fed them and kept them alive when they couldn’t even sit up. You learned everything there was to know about babies.
And you’re telling me that you can’t take 5 minutes and really analyze what body shape you are and what types of clothes flatter that body shape? I know it can take longer than 5 minutes to find a pair of pants that fit, but that’s no reason to give up! When you find some that do fit, you’ve crossed a milestone, and you’ll feel so much more confident about it. So what if it takes trying on 20? It’s not an indictment about your size; it’s just that we’re all made a little differently, that’s all.
And shopping is easier than ever before! I shop for my clothes online now. Online retailers have such elaborate measurements written on their website that all you need is a measuring tape and you’ll know exactly what size to order. And if it doesn’t look good you can often mail it right back–for free! So you don’t even have to drag little ones to the mall. This can be a lot less intimidating than trying on dresses and pants there.
No matter your body type, every woman can look beautiful, and every woman can look put together. Every woman can take pride in herself. When you do this, your marriage improves overnight, because you become more confident in your body, and that reaps huge dividends.
So will you join me and fight the frump with me?
The rest of the Fight the Frump challenge:
Fight the Frump: Finding an Easy Hairstyle
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I have been through a course called Dressing Your Truth (https://my.liveyourtruth.com/dyt/home/) that helps women to figure out what energy type they are and how to dress to match that. It was very helpful in even helping me to understand who I was and why I do and think about things the way I do. This course has just gone free in the last couple of weeks! It would definitely help to fight the frump.
I’m so excited they’ve put that course on for free, too! (I’m a Type 3 woman!). Everybody, click on that link!
Thank you, I signed up! Dressing for my coloring and wearing tastful nakeup has always been interesting to me. But I live in S america where it seems as though women have such exotic tastes and look so good in those clothes that I end up feeling frumpy. But in reality, exotic is not my style. Never was. Living where it is hard to find inexpensive clothing, I end up settling for hand me downs and sale clothes when I get the chance to shop, but I miss being able to explore who I really am style-wise. I look forward to this course.
It is a great course! Do they have consignment stores where you are? I find those are great places to get designer clothes a lot cheaper!
So, one year later and I have been learning to dress my truth. Sincerely, that fourse has changed my life in so many ways for the better. Type 4 all the way! Again, thank you for your FighttheFrump campaign!
My main excuses are I don’t want to spend money on myself and I don’t want to ruin my “good” clothes. I also am not confident in what to put together that looks good. I have been trying more recently since I have lost some weight.
I want to be better as an example to my children. We homeschool and my thirteen years old daughter doesn’t see the point of getting dressed if we aren’t going anywhere. It’s a constant battle, and it’s not like I spend the day in my pajamas, I always get dressed, it is just most often if we are home all day it’s jeans and an old t shirt.
Totally get that homeschool thing! It is hard sometimes to put in the effort. But here’s what I’ve found: when we dress like we take ourselves seriously, we tend to sit up straighter. We work harder. We get more organized. When we dress like we don’t care, then we tend to–well–NOT CARE. And that’s not good for your homeschool life, either! So I’m so glad you’re joining us, and I hope this will help you!
I like the way you have emphasised a woman’s sense of her worth as a person influencing how she chooses to dress. I have read too many Christian articles over the years that put such a strong stress on a woman dressing nicely purely for her husband ( he’ll have an affair if you don’t!) that I think it just makes women feel depressed. We don’t need another reason to feel negative about our bodies – as you rightly say society does a very good job of making us feel bad.
When I was 11 years old, God kindly taught me a valuable lesson about how I should view myself. For some reason I went through a phase of thinking I was ugly – I even put a poster over my bedroom mirror. I then started to think about how God viewed me and realised that my face and body were gifts from God and in hating them I was being ungrateful to him. God doesn’t give us ugly things, he gives us good gifts. It totally changed the way I saw myself. That doesn’t mean I haven’t had my body issue struggles over the years as most women have but I’ve never forgotten what I learnt as a child. If we try to focus on how God sees us, not how society does, not even how our husbands do ( though that is important) and let that determine how we see ourselves, it makes fighting the frump easier.
Oh, the “he’ll have an affair if you don’t look nice” is totally ridiculous. And completely self-defeating! If women feel that way, that’s totally demoralizing, which will send her running in the opposite direction.
And that’s so sad about young you with the poster over your mirror! I’m so glad that God gave you those beautiful TRUTH messages. That’s what I want to help women do this week–live out the truth that is inside us.
Oh this is fun! Ok my excuses are not wanting to s pend money and being CLUELESS about what clothes to try on never mind buy. I get so overwhelmed at the shops because I truily don’t believe I’m worth spending money on, I get anxiety about it, then the clothes choices overwhelm me and then I start shutting down and feel ugly and stupid and I end up With nothing! Shopping for myself is not a good time! And so my clothes are old and tattered and falling apart and I look like a ragamuffin. So excited for this challenge!
I totally get that clueless thing! Totally. I want to focus this week on how to create a capsule wardrobe so that you always have outfits ready to go, and you don’t actually need a lot of pieces to look great. We’ll get you there, Mandy! 🙂
Woohoo! I’ve been curious about capsule wardrobes!
I struggle most with not wanting to spend money on myself and I am also a stay at home mom so I use the excuse that no one but the kids see me all day. However, most of the time when my husband is home I try to put on some face powder and mascara and some nicer comfy clothes. I do tend to gravitate towards my yoga pants and bright colored tshirts for around the house clothes, but they fit well and flatter my figure. I admit though, with the colder weather lately I am struggling to get out of my warm fuzzy pj bottoms…
Ah, yes, the fuzzy pyjama bottoms! I get it. I may revamp a post soon on good-looking pyjamas to wear in the winter!
I find it impossible to dress unfrumpily in the winter. Unless I’m wearing an oversized hoodie (two under my puffy coat, and multiple scarves, if I’m leaving home!), thermal socks, and warm PJ pants, I am FREEZING cold! I get muscle pain from shivering a lot and it also makes some health problems worse, including vaginismus and IBS. Not so sexy. Layering helped- but now I have a newborn nursing every two hours and need “easy access” … I feel stuck!
Oh, Lynn, as a Canadian, I hear you! Have you tried wearing fleece lined tights under your jeans? That really helps me–and then you can still wear good looking jeans! And I wear hand knit socks all the time, I just wear them under good looking boots! I also invested in a fitted winter jacket two years ago that really is quite attractive–but super warm. But it was on the expensive side. But I do hear you!
I’m also from Southern Ontario, Sheila! I went out of my way to get fleece lined tights once. They were packaged so I couldn’t try them on beforehand. I bought a bunch according to the sizing chart on the back (they were on a great sale!), brought them home, tried them on and… they were WAY too small! I couldn’t get them all of the way on! The two sizes were Small-medium (Which I bought) and Large-XL, and let’s just say that I’m more of a toothpick body type (even after having a baby!). I’m to thin for XL Kids clothes lol. I hate spending money on myself so I swore off of tights in protest after that. Maybe it’s worth trying again! I’ll just get one pair this time, and in a larger size…
Oh, I ALWAYS buy tights that are too big. I don’t mind if they’re big, but if they’re small they always pull at me, even if technically they’re the right size. So definitely try them again!
Do you have a favourite brand or place to buy them?
I have to admit I tend to buy the expensive bras. But then I handwash them and NEVER put them in the dryer, so they’ll last for years! But I go to the high priced shops and buy them. I really do find I get 3-4 years out of the super good ones, as long as I always handwash.
Bras or tights? I think you’ve mixed up two comments 😉
Ack! I did. Sorry! I usually just get my tights at Winners in Canada or Marshall’s in the U.S. they’re pretty much the same. But you can usually get designer brands inexpensively!
I’m fighting the frump today with my well-fitting Astros – Fly the Pennant T-shirt, paired with tailored jeans and my nice cowboy boots. It’s Fight the Frump – Houston edition. 😉
Love that you tackle this, Sheila! I do want to add for those skinny, petite girls out there that if you’re a size 4, or size 2 or whatever, and that’s what works for your body structure, feel good about that. As someone who actually struggled with being thin and un-curvy much of her life, I know some of those ladies don’t dress well because they don’t feel they have the feminine shape to pull it off. But listen, wife, you can dress well and feel confident too! I look forward to the post on body types, which I’m sure will address this.
The happiest day of my life was when I discovered padded, underwire bras. 🙂
Speaking of padded underwire bras and bras in general, I think it’s important to learn how to find beauty in your post baby and nursing breasts and just aging breasts in general. Pretty, sexy supportive bras go a long way. 4 years, 2 babies and a little over a year of nursing each takes it’s toll. And, Lord willing, we’d like to have one or two more kids. I’m working on weaning my second child and I’ll admit, I worry about how deflated my “balloons” are going to look after I’m done… I think it would help a lot of women if we had more HONEST conversations about what breasts are REALLY like after babies and nursing. I think as women we have a tendency to feel like what we have is somehow abnormal or unattractive compared to others.
Rock those cowboy boots, J! 😉 Love it!
One way to look nicer is too look less uniform than the crowd.
Try to wear jeans less and slacks more. It seems, male or female, jeans are the default garment when choosing to wear pants. I know comfort is important, but jeans are so overused and a well-fitting, well-made pair of slacks can actually be more comfortable than most thick-seamed jeans.
Also try to wear a nice leather shoe or sandals at times. We wear flip flops, sneakers and the like all too often for supposed comfort or convenience and they too have become a lazy uniform of sorts.
I like to dress nicely for the movies, eating out or a trip to the mall even.
I have difficulty with dressing well in the winter too. I have some nice shirts but I’m always cold so usually they just end up covered with a zip up fleece. And funny that you mention layering tights – I’m wearing a pair of leggings under my nice jeans today and it makes such a difference.
While I don’t struggle with feeling that my body is “ugly”, I do find it hard to find clothes that fit me well. It seems that flowy clothes hang wrong on me and make me look frumpy even if they are very nice, while more fitted styles are too short for my long torso. It doesn’t help that I hate spending money on clothes. So hopefully the body type post will do me some good 😉
I feel like we need to go shopping together, H! We have the same troubles! One way I’ve found around the long torso issue is wearing really thick sweater dresses with layers underneath. Unfortunately mine don’t work for me now that I’m nursing!
I definitely don’t have a problem with a long torso! But I have basically no boobs without a good bra, so a lot of shirts are out of the question because if I lean over you see everything (since I have nothing to hold it up!). I think the key thing is to remember that we don’t need 50 shirts. Finding 4 or 5 that you feel wonderful in is all you need. And then it’s not quite as intimidating if a bunch of stuff doesn’t work, because you’re really only looking for just a few.
I have a different issue. I have the normal ones you mentioned of course-mostly I want to be comfortable!!!!! Of course if I could manage to lose my extra weight jeans would be more comfortable than they are (I’m not truly fat but I’m definitely overweight for me)
Here’s my deal, my husband PREFERS me without makeup!! I prefer me with it. But on a day when I’m at home why waste the makeup if he likes me more without it? Lol
And he’d rather find me in pajama pants with the surprise of no undies than dresses up. Haha
What do you do when your husband truly doesn’t mind? I’m always clean and I workout. And shave…
If your husband truly doesn’t mind then I think you should do what makes you feel comfortable, happy and confident. My husband doesn’t like makeup . I used to hardly wear it, just for special occasions, before I got married but now I only use a coverup stick now and again if I get a few spots bothering me. If I really wanted to wear it, my husband wouldn’t mind because he would want me to happy with myself but the fact that he likes me without it makes me feel good. I also learnt early on in my marriage that he is relaxed about what I wear also. We both like to dress up and look nice when we go out and be clean and tidy everyday but when we are relaxing at home we both like to wear comfy clothes. The only thing that my husband would care about is my hair. It is fairly long and naturally curly and if I straightened it or cut it short – he would cry!! I have sometimes joked about doing it and you should see his poor face.
That’s where I’m at too! He wants me to be comfortable and confident.
And I don’t and him to be happy so I try to wear cute pj pants lol.
I totally get the point of the post and the week thing. And I’ll be reading daily! I can always improve.
I think there’s two slightly different things here. One is what will be your “default” look from day to day, and one is whether it is ever appropriate to slob out in comfy bumfy clothes for lazy days. This is still a work in progress for me, but I think yes, to the latter. There are some days (usually one day every two-three weeks) where I declare that I am having a Day Off (from any kind of responsibility or thinking of any kind, or speaking to anyone or using the computer or answering the phone), wherein I will get very closely acquainted with the tv remote control and I will only move further than the couch and my blanket to feed myself or to use the bathroom. On those days, it’s pj bottoms, dressing gown, no bra and comfy tshirts, slippers and thick socks galore. But I plan these days. At least the day before. The problem is just to not let that day be every day.
I will be reading closely. My excuse no one comes to visit without calling.I have no little ones to care for at home. I suffer from anxiety issues. I know I should get dressed in am but don’t.
Hey Kathleen! I get how you feel! When depressed and anxious I never want to leave the house or put on nice clothes. My body hurts, nothing fits because my antidepressants make me gain weight, and no matter what I always see ugly in the mirror. However, now that I’m feeling a little better putting on good clothes helps me feel like I could go out if I wanted to, even just for a walk on my street. It really helps me feel like I accomplished something for myself, even if my jeans aren’t done up all the way! I hope you give fighting the frump a try and have the other help you need… Mental illness stinks 🙁
Great attitude, Alice! I think being able to feel like you are ready to go outside makes such a difference in how we see the world. Far less “trapped” inside.
I actually tease my husband that my “frump” is his fault. He was an athlete all thru college so his favorite look on me is seriously Nike sweatpants & a dry fit top (which is great with me-I work full time so bus. Cas. is my usual look, I just usually throw on clothes & run out the door). Plus he always tells me I look just as good with my frizzy curls in a ponytail & no make up – so I’ve adopted the “if it works-why fix it?” mentality. However, a few weeks ago, I went out for a girls night & wore makeup & fixed my hair for the first time in weeks & I felt so good. I liked the girl looking back at me in the mirror, I had almost forgotten what that feels like. We shouldn’t be vain, but thank you for the reminder in this post that it’s not just OK but good to like what God gave us.
My struggle is that I spend the majority of my day in bed due to health issues, and so I need super comfy clothes that I can wear when I crawl back into bed for a nap (I don’t have the energy to change multiple times). So I’ve been enjoying leggings, but am struggling with finding casual tunics to wear over them (I have lots of dressy ones, but they are too fancy for bed!). Any Canadian ladies have suggestions of online stores that carry casual tunics?
That’s a great question! Let me think about it, Kari.
Do y’all have LulaRoe up there? It’s pricey but they have so many comfy tunic/Tshirt dress options that are super cute. Old Navy TShirt dresses are currently my favorite clothing article. You can dress them up with jewelry, cute leggings & boots/sandals or just lounge around in one w/o any effort.
At my Girl Talk in Indiana last week they had a vendor selling LuLaRoe. It really was super cute! I don’t think we have it in Canada, though.
Lularoe is overpriced, horrible quality (Google Lularoe leggings and holes) and they treat their reps pretty poorly (Google why l quit selling lularoe and lularoe lawsuit). You’re better off at a thrift store or the sale rack at a store.
I know that not everyone wants to follow this, but I really think the guidelines on what colors a person should wear are very helpful. I’m a spring, so I always look for pinks, light blues, etc. and if I wear black I try to wear a scarf in a light color. It really helps me feel like I’m looking my best.
I always stick to my colours, too! Like, I’m a summer, and brown, navy or grey make such better neutrals for me than black! Black is too stark. And I just can’t pull off super bright lipsticks like a winter can. And I’m okay with that.
#2 all the way! I’ve always worn super comfy clothes, even before kids. So I have to say, I dated my husband like this and he likes my casual look! If I were to do my makeup and hair every day, he would think I’m vain and not the same person he dated/married! But I do think one day I’ll embarrass my kids in my sweats every morning at school drop off once they’re old enough to get embarrassed!
I totally get the casual look thing. Here’s one thing I’ve found, though. Our appearance heavily influences our attitude. So it’s often harder to work hard or get organized when we’re dressed sloppy. If you dress for success, you tend to be more confident and power through things, even at home. That’s not true for everyone of course, but I do think the way we dress reflects our attitude for the day. (And, yes, we all dream of embarrassing our kids!)
So, will you be doing a similar series for men after this one? Called “Fight the Slob,” perhaps? ‘Cause it seems only fair, if you’re gonna spend an entire week on this to help women, you should spend at least as much time helping out the men. And boy, do they ever need it! The stuff I see men wearing a lot of the time is down right SHOCKING. Tattered old t-shirts stained with God only knows what, ripped up jeans with dirt and mud on the hems, batter, scuffed-up shoes with ragged laces, and don’t even get me started on the state of their socks! 0_0 So gross. And if you guys think women don’t notice that kind of thing, and aren’t turned off by it, you better think again!
I really hope you’ll consider writing a series for men on this subject as well, Sheila. Everyone deserves to feel they’re well dressed and looking good, and the confidence that comes from that, regardless of gender.
Blair, I’d love to, but really, my readers are mostly women, so I don’t think it would do much good. Maybe I could make it into just one post, 10 Things Men Need to Know About How Women Prefer They Dress or something? What points would you want me to include (not that I’m trying to get you to write the post or anything. 🙂 ).
Most of the commenters here are women, true. But what of those who read your blog but never comment? There’s not really a way for you how many of them are men or women, is there? I don’t think they should be left out just because they’re quiet. And even if they are few in number, that’s no reason not to include them as well. And besides, do not most of your readers have husbands, who might possibly benefit indirectly?
What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, so they say. So if it’s good for wives to show respect to their husbands by dressing up for them, then shouldn’t men also try to look more attractive for their wives? I know there’s this idea that somehow women are less visual, that appearances matter less to us, but that’s not true! It wasn’t a man who invented fashion, that’s for sure. Appearance matters to us, more than we like to admit.
As to the actual content, I’m not sure it could all be compressed into a single post, even a long one. For one thing, women have a lot of different preferences regarding how men dress, at least as many as men have for women (if not more!). But I suppose one might be able to squeeze in the basics or hygiene, the importance of clothes being clean and in good repair, how to fold clothes so they don’t wrinkle, how to take care of their skin and hair, stuff like that. Basically, the stuff you’ll probably be doing for women about just taking pride in one’s appearance and showing respect for yourself and others by the way one dresses and presents oneself, but adapted for men. So, you know, less about makeup and more about how much cologne is too much. Just tell them to make an effort, I guess, not just when they’re dating but in their marriages as well. That’s how you keep the flame going, really.
Blair, I know there are some men here, but from my demographics, it’s far less than a quarter. Most people here are women, and while I welcome men, I also am a woman. I’d like this to be a woman’s blog, where men are free to come, but my audience is women and I’d like to serve them.
So I can certainly write from a woman’s perspective on what we think men should wear, but I don’t think writing to men directly is really my calling, or fits with my audience. I appreciate the men who chime in, and I write lots of marriage posts that could definitely apply to both, but I would like to focus on a woman’s voice to other women. That’s just a choice I’ve made.
I agree with Blair’s intent. As a Christian male, I have only secular sources to draw my information from. As you know, these sources rarely have glorifying God as their primary goal.
In order to maintain the “for women, by women” intent of the blog, the post could focus on empowering and equipping women to assist their husbands in presenting themselves as confident spiritual leaders, respectable fathers, and attractive husbands.
Thank you for reading this and all the hard work you do!
I was actually thinking of writing a post for women on how to shop for men’s clothes. My daughters and I were doing some Christmas shopping recently, and Katie was at a total loss looking for things for her fiance because she’s never shopped for a guy before (no brothers). It is a lot to learn!
That’s fair, and a choice you are free to make, of course. I just thought it would be just as interesting and informative to do the flipside of this for men, but perhaps you are not the best person for the job.
However, I still don’t think you’re being fair to you male readers by not even making the attempt. However small a demographic they may be, they’re still HERE, and you do them a disservice by ignoring them and their needs. As Armor Titan says, there aren’t any resources available for men on this subject written from a Christian perspective, they’re all pretty much secular. And we all know messed up THAT perspective can be for one’s self image.
But that’s just my opinion. As I said earlier, that’s your choice to make, and I can respect that. I’ll not argue with you on the matter further, I’ve said what I needed to say and am content to leave it at that. My request has been stated, and I’ll will now leave it to others to the same, if they so wish.
This came along at a fantastic time! My only excuse is laziness. I know my husband will be quite pleased to see me take on this challenge! 😉 It does make a difference in my attitude when I dress well. I feel more confident and walk taller.
Yay! And that’s what I want to talk about tomorrow, too–just our general confidence. It really does make a difference.
I love this, Sheila! About a month or so ago I went through such a frumpy time that I DIDNT EVEN BRUSH MY HAIR for, like, 2 WEEKS! I mean, all I was doing was leaving it in a bun, except for showering, and then straight back into the bun it went! So, I was just ‘what’s the point?’. Sigh. Thankfully, I got out of that frump mode and am back to brushing my hair again, and very basically changing up my hairstyle with sometimes bun, different heights of ponytails and very occasionally ‘letting my hair down’! I actually like my long (for me, it’s about waist length) hair, but find it gets in the way so much if I try to wear it out! And, in the tropics…sweaty hair clinging to your neck is a definite issue! And then I also wear a hat when outside = sweaty hat hair. But, both hubby and I like my hair long (and he would absolutely HATE a super short style!) so I am trying to do a few different things with it, and keep it brushed! 🙄
Other ways I’m fighting the frump is with exercise…I have recently started some very basic weight lifting exercises, in an effort to tone everything up (and, you know, make me stronger and my body more capable!). I can certainly feel it working, and it’s been making me more confident about my body, even if there isn’t any major (ie, noticeable to other people) changes yet! But I feel better. I bought some new sleeveless tops to wear this summer (Southern hemisphere = heading into summer here!) as an added incentive to keep up with the arm toning (I have been soooo self conscious about my arms for years and usually cover them up…but I am starting to feel better about them already).
My 2 main reasons for frump are I want to be comfortable and I don’t want to spend extra money on me.
My hubby’s 2 biggest complaints in the frump department are track pants (I would LOVE to find a pair that actually look half decent…I’ve seen them work on other people, but I just can’t seem to do it!) and me not wearing a bra! So I try to make a real effort to wear a bra every day. This past winter I just wore jeans instead of track pants. Not quite as comfy, but I know hubby appreciated it 😉 He would probably have me in jeans every day if it wasn’t so hot!
Jeans can be awesome!
I hear you about the heat. I have a post up on hair now (it’s Tuesday now!) and it may help. I talk a lot about how long hair works a lot better if it’s heavily texturized. A lot easier to style and a lot cooler. Even if your hubby likes long hair, you can still get a style in it with a good hairstylist. Take a look at Katie’s photo, for instance. Her hair is super thick (and she does wear it in a bun sometimes, too!), but she’s had it texturized so the bottom is actually quite thin and holds curl better. Anyway, just a thought, it may work for you, too!
I am hoping you will address the makeup subject this week! As a 34 year old woman I actually really only learned how to wear and apply makeup properly a year ago after watching tutorials on YouTube. I find when I wear it I feel more confident (especially now that I have gained skills in applying it properly.) But there is that side of me that wonders if that makes me superficial. I really would love to understand what the biblical view of makeup would be. I have searched the scriptures but haven’t felt clarity on the subject.
Oh, makeup is coming on Wednesday, so stay tuned! I want to write about how to use makeup to enhance natural beauty rather than replace it or cover it up. The way I see it is that it enhances your witness when we look like we respect ourselves and care for ourselves. And the Bible definitely refers to different women as beautiful, so beauty is not something to disdain! It’s not our main worth, of course, but it is a part of who we are. When we don’t like we care for ourselves, it can be off-putting, or can hinder relationships. When we look approachable and friendly, it changes the dynamic. So that’s what we should aim for, I think: approachable and friendly!
I hope people won’t mind if I vent a bit. Warning . . . this will be a bit long.
What makes me feel frumpy? Everything! I feel frumpy all the time. I shower and put on makeup basically everyday (since I go out to work) and I wear dressy clothes to work. But I still feel frumpy. I generally like my clothes and think they would look nice on people other than me.
I feel frumpy for two reasons. The biggest one is my shape. I simply don’t think there is anything that wouldn’t make me look frumpy. I’m basically square. Very short and very wide with a huge chest. To get things big enough to go around me means they have to be basically sack-like. Back when I was thinner I had a style of clothes that I felt worked with my shape, even if I didn’t love that shape. But I simply can’t find anything I feel is flattering now. And believe me I have spent plenty of time looking and studying about body types. Also, living overseas I get about a two week window to shop in the summer so I pretty much have to grab what I find that can work “well-enough” because we are always moving and I can’t come back to something if I decide to wait to find something better and it doesn’t work out. I can’t wear jewelry where I live / work so can’t dress up outfits that way. And even if I did the last thing I want is to add something like a long necklace to my already huge chest. Shorter necklaces just emphasize the rolls of fat around my neck. And yes, I do spend time trying to “fix” my shape. I eat quite healthfully and walk several miles each day. Just nothing changes.
The second thing that makes me feel frumpy is my hair. Mine is thin and stringy. I have never been good for caring for it (which had one advantage that I don’t have the regret of eighties hair!). But now it’s texture has changed and even the hairstyles that used to work don’t seem to. Plus, living in Kenya, there aren’t many hairstylists that know how to work with my hair. In over ten years I’ve had two that I thought did a good job but both moved away. So I can go nine months without a haircut simply because I think it is better to go without than go get one that makes me feel even dumpier.
So I am following this week’s posts with interest. But not a lot of hope that they will offer something for me to use.
Oh, Topaz, I’m sorry. Are you from Kenya or are you just living there? That must be really tough! One thing about Africa, though–you can do bold colours! I’d suggest taking the Dress Your Truth course (it’s free) and figuring out what type you are. Even that can help so much! And then dress your type, even if you don’t like your body shape. When your personality can come out in your clothes, you may feel better regardless.
I’d also search for episodes of What Not to Wear online and watch them. Quite often they took women of larger shapes and made them look awesome. It isn’t about body shape necessarily; it’s just what you do with it!
Yes, I live in Kenya. Have done so for over ten years. I just get back to the U.S. for a few weeks each summer. Alas, I am not a fan of bold colors! At least not on me. They make me feel even bigger and therefore even frumpier. We are having an event coming up soon where I am supposed to wear an African outfit and it has been a huge challenge. I’d love to have a nice fitted dress (or top and blouse) made, but I haven’t found material that I like. Most things are, as you say, bright colors and great big huge patterns. Big patterns don’t work for someone as short as I am — and I think they make me look even wider. I ended up getting basically a tent — a big, shapeless garment. It’s all I could find on short notice. I love the color. But hate the shape. I did look at the Dress Your Truth course with hope a few months thinking that it might provide some guidance. I was disappointed. It’s pretty clear which type I am — and I don’t like most of the styles I saw featured. They just aren’t “me”. Actually, so far of what I’ve seen, I haven’t liked a lot of the styles featured on the models for any of the types. Either I am just really weird / picky . . . or there has to be more out there! The few I did like really only look nice on taller, more slender women. I had seen that the course was now free but figured there must be a catch. Maybe I will check it out again.
Haha! Now I know for sure I’m weird! I just took another look at the course and in a large number of cases I actually preferred the “Before” picture. It’s not that I thought the after picture looked frumpier. But the “Before” style just appealed to me more.
It’s definitely time for me. I always use the excuse that with two kids 3 and 9 months I can’t get dressed or do anything. Reality is it doesn’t take that long and they can often be in the room over for s few seconds while I get ready.
Oh, take a look at Tuesday’s post (it’s up now!) I have pics of me from when my kids were that exact age, and how bad my hair was. Getting a good haircut was the best thing I did for myself!
I’ve been looking forward to this series for a while! 🙂 My main excuse is probably the desire to be comfy. One way I combat this is by wearing comfy versions of professional clothes on those days when I just want to feel cozy — stuff like stretch knit pencil skirts and blazers made with soft materials (I study and work at a university and want to put forth a put-together style).
I don’t know if others can relate, but I used to dress kind of frumpy in my teen years out of concern for modesty, but really I just ended up wearing clothes that were too big or not right for my body type. I think I figured out my style a lot in college and learned how to find figure-flattering pieces, so now 23-year-old me has a passion for fashion 🙂
I love that, Greta! And I have a bunch of soft blazers, too, that are really quite comfy, so I know what you mean!
Due to mental health issues and body dismorphia its very hard for me to feel good about myself. I spent most of myself trying to please everyone around me, also by dressing up and turning myself into someone else. By playing all these roles i totally lost myself and am slowly discovering who I am through therapy. So for me, putting on makeup and dressing “nice” is a form of hiding my true self. At the moment I am unable to perceive it as something positive to make me feel better about myself. To me it feels like playing a role. So I make sure that I take care of myself, smell good and have tidy hair. But thats about it. I always wear leggings and tops or sweaters which are comfortable but ok looking and I rarely wear makeup. I need to feel that I am worthy of love without “doing something” to earn it. Dressing up makes me feel like I am not worthy unless I “disguise” myself. Thats how my brain is wired. So if its something you enjoy then I think its wonderful! If its something you do in order to “earn” love then take care of the underlying issues first ❤
Amanda, I do hear where you’re coming from, and I’m glad that you’re getting help, and hope you can see the end of the tunnel soon!
I’d just encourage you not to give up, though. Like we’re talking about in Tuesday’s post, a good haircut makes a huge difference. And it doesn’t have to take any time at all. It’s not about time or hiding; it’s just about feeling good. No, a woman’s worth is not in being beautiful. But at the same time, if you can look great and feel great in the same amount of time as you can look blah, then why not? And that’s what it’s about. I just know how terrible I felt when I was super frumpy when the kids were little. Getting a good haircut made a huge difference. So just don’t give up! It’s not that our worth is there, but when we feel like we’ve taken control and we enjoy how we look, it can really change your mood. Beauty is just a part of this world; look around and see how beautiful God made things! I personally love making the world more beautiful, whether it’s in knitting or doing dishes or, yes, getting a good haircut. I see it as part of the same thing, if that makes any sense.
Yes it totally makes sense and I agree with you. And I’m working on a healthier view of myself. But i so think there are some ladies out there, who like me, might feel “not good enough” straight away when they are confronted with making themselves look better. Because thats how past issues have wired our brains (not because of what you have said, you are correct and its wonderful to encourage others to take care of themselves and to feel better by doing so). I just wanted to adress those who might feel shame and guilt for not “being good enough” and encourage them to get professional help. I have to “defrump my mind” before I am able to recognize and celebrate my beauty and Not feel like I have to cover up the big mess that I am. I hope that makes sense too😊❤
Thank you for writing this! I have written a similar post as I am passionate about this topic. I hear so many women say, “why should I even bother?” Arghh, makes me so sad that they don’t think that their husbands are worth the extra effort of taking care of ourselves. Love all of your posts and advice!!
Thank you, Anna!
This is a favorite topic of mine. My excuse is I just hate shopping (due to the money? not knowing what’s in style or what’s a good price? not wanting to take the time? not sure – probably all of the above)
Recently I’ve had a lot of fun following carefully chosen fashion blogs, i.e., blogs for over 40 (50-) women, blogs for curvy women, etc. They give me great ideas! (and links to where to buy). I’ve learned to love Nordstrom and other places that offer free shipping AND returns. Hope it’s ok to post the links:
https://www.cyndispivey.com/ over 40
https://www.wardrobeoxygen.com/ curvy, over 40
https://www.puttingmetogether.com/
http://getyourprettyon.com/ over 40
https://www.thredup.com/ consignment
Re thredup.com – I would not sell there again; you get VERY little for what you sell. But they are fun to peruse for buying items pretty cheap, some even with tags still on.
Thanks for doing this series, Sheila! It’s great timing for me as this has been on my mind much recently. My issue with it is multi-faceted though. I live as a missionary in a third-world country and, as such, our income is extremely limited and finding clothes can really be a challenge. Fashion blogs and posts where women talk about all the ways they build their closets (i.e. stitchfix, sale websites, consignment stores, second-hand stores) can be very discouraging for me as I don’t have that same access. Saying all of that though, I’m in a place right now where I’m desperately feeling the need to find a solution! I’m a young wife and mother to multiple littles. I want so bad to be able to look nice and put-together for my husband (and myself). I’ve been trying to figure out how I could possibly put together a capsule-type wardrobe that would actually work for me. I just don’t know how I can build that in my current situation. I haven’t had the opportunity to buy my own clothing in years. By God’s grace I have an extremely thoughtful relative who occasionally goes on a TJmaxx shopping spree for me and sends me a few shirts or pants. So I do thankfully have some clothes, but as I didn’t pick it out or try it on much of it fits me poorly, are styles that I wouldn’t have picked myself, or pieces of clothing that I have nothing to match. Not to mention the raggedy bra and underwear issue! Right now I’m looking for simple things I can do in my situation to help out and feel a little better about myself. Two things that have helped a little recently is discovering a new make-up line here that’s cheaper and works ok for foreigners and finally getting the money to get a simple hair cut. I’ve kept it long as it’s hot and sweaty and I need it off of my face, but did cut considerable length off of it and added some texturing (like you mentioned) and side-bangs. I really need to ditch the ponytail though. My current goal is working on up-do’s (mostly variations on braids) that I can accomplish in 5 min or so and still look decent. I’m considering doing a 14 day hair challenge for myself, to find 14 simple braid/twist variations and see if I can keep it going. I’m also looking for really simple and cheap ways to intentionally build my closet with what I can find here. Most months it’s a struggle just to feed my family though, and I struggle with major guilt in allocating a few dollars towards myself. Anyways, I’m really looking forward to following this series and applying anything I read that can work for my situation. And if anyone else has any suggestions on simple solutions, I’d love to hear them!
My heart goes out to you. I grew up as a missionary kid (many years ago) in a 3rd World Country. As a teen, it was easy to sew all my own clothes (and stock up on furloughs, and have friends and relatives send me stuff, and wear hand me downs from friends ….), but doesn’t sound like that would work for you with a young family. That’s great you have a friend to send you stuff, at least, but sounds like maybe she needs more direction?
I wonder if you could approach a Christian fashion blogger like https://www.cyndispivey.com/ or puttingmetogether.com to figure something out. I’m sure there are many others – these are two of my favorites. I think your challenge would be a really interesting blog series, maybe even for a blogger who is just starting out. You could send them pictures of what you HAVE (or just tell them), and they could blog about or just send you back ways to put it together, or ideas of one or two pieces to get (maybe they could send them to you? get their readers to pitch in?) – to finish a look.
My excuse is that I don’t want to be flashy or look like I’m loose. I also want to be comfortable, including with my shoes. I have plantar fascitis, which makes it difficult to find shoes that don’t hurt my feet. If I wear clothes that are more flattering, then I’ll have to wear shoes that match those clothes – and I’m concerned those shoes will hurt my feet.
I hear you, Donna! But you know, any shoes can be worn with jeans, and jeans can really be dressy! They don’t have to be sloppy. I dress up jeans all the time when I’m speaking.
I’m sorry you suffer with that. It must be very difficult!
Why do you say you look worse in the t-shirt and sweat pants? Honestly, the only thing that makes you look less good (to me) in that picture is the funny face you pulled! You still look like you whatever you wear.
My biggest issue right now is the fact that polyester makes me itch, so I have to avoid it as much as I can. And absolutely zero jeans are made without polyester. So, I have embraced the legging and other elastic waisted mostly or all cotton pants. However, I stick to solid flattering colors on the bottom and flattering colors and patterns on the top. I’m also at home with my 1 year old, but I always get dressed in my casual style and try not to wear the slightly stained or discolored ones out of the house if I can help it. And I keep post earrings in every day. But I refuse to take my 6 year old to wait for the school bus without being dressed.
I fought the Frump this morning. Since diagnosed with an auto-immune disease, I just gave up. Plus sometimes I want to look how I feel. It’s not pretty.
I am joining the fight! 😀 No hubby, just for me and those around me.
Hi Sheila! Are you going to include any tips for building a professional capsule wardrobe that looks nice? I’m a young professional who doesn’t have a lot of money to spend on clothes right now and am always trying to find good pieces that go with multiple outfits (I have black, kahki, grey, and bright red(!) pants and some assorted multi color and black skirts that I’m hoping will still fit me after I have my baby!) I need more tops and combinations but I have no idea which stores are good to go to to look for quality items.
Re: frumpy! A word packed with meaning.
Sheila,
Thanks for this article. I may be the sole man commenting here, but I am facing the issue right now. And it hurts. We’ve both been in the position of one person working with the other at home and I knew even though I had some low-energy days that I’d still better put forth some effort to keep myself attractive. I did this by going to the gym, dressing up, showing interest and so on. Right now, the tables are turned. I give my wife a huge stipend every month to spend on whatever she wants, no strings. But the house is always messy and she’s always in pjs. We have a small child and I know that is crazy demanding, but I am losing attraction fast, and I don’t know what to say without sounding like a jerk. It’s a very sad time and what I’m trying to do now is just be patient and try to do the things I wish she’s meet me halfway on, like dressing neatly, cooking, and giving space. For all the ladies out there that are putting in effort to show appreciation in whatever ways they can, you have no idea how much this means.
Sadly,
Stolis
Thank you for this! This is my husbands number one complaint to me that I don’t dress nice for him. I am stay at home mom of little kids and feel it’s hard to take the time and money.. I’ve tried before to “fight the frump” but after a few days always end up back to wearing my pj’s! Thanks for the inspiration!
I can’t say I understand the viewpoint of these ladies whose husbands are upset with their lack of style sense. I hate feeling/looking frumpy (but being worse than dead broke, and nursing, cuts down my options drastically,) but he doesn’t care – in fact, he prefers the tops/dresses that I dislike most for their lack of fashion. My sister is a makeup artist and fashionista and always looks amazing. When we go over to their house she dresses me up and does my makeup and makes me look like a runway model or some otherworldly being. And my husband just doesn’t like it. He likes it best when my hair’s up in a towel from just getting out the shower, or this one sweater, (truly awful lime and navy huge horizontal stripes, it’s like a really sick bee,) or this one dress that’s too small in every way (but is still kinda comfy because it’s soft.) When I dress up he doesn’t like it, or when I put on makeup he doesn’t like it, he’d rather I look like I got dressed at Goodwill…
Naked. Naked is good. A person’s naked, healthy, clean self should be enough for their spouse. Being intentional about self care and your marriage should be a priority. Feeling you have to do something extra to keep the attention/affection of your spouse is harmful. Sexy can be ponytail hair out fishing together, fresh out of shower nakedness, making breakfast w/ bed hair in his shirt. Women shouldn’t feel the need to be made up or uncomfortable or wear form fitting clothes to keep their spouse’s attention.
I agree implicitly Sarah. I hope yours is the last word on this subject.