We’re in the early part of our Fight the Frump week! And for this edition, I want to talk about hair.
Yesterday we started our Fight the Frump challenge!
Before we move on, let’s go back to some basic principles. Fighting the frump is NOT about vanity and not about living up to some magazine cover. Fighting the frump is about changing our attitude and our outlook on life so that we are more productive, approachable, and respected.
How? Because the way that we dress affects our inner reality. If you’re sloppy on the outside, you’re less likely to feel organized and motivated. If you look like you don’t care for your appearance, you automatically don’t look as friendly as people who look like they do take some care, because you’re giving the impression “I don’t care what people think of me.” And if you look frumpy, then you also give the impression, “I don’t think I’m worth a lot of time or energy.” That shows that you don’t really respect yourself.
When you take care, though, then you say, “I like myself. I’m a happy person.” That may sound shallow, but psychological research shows that when we care for our appearance, we feel better about virtually all aspects of life.
So today, I want to focus on something basic: your hair. Tomorrow we’ll tackle makeup.
Yesterday the comments focused mostly on clothes (likely because I was talking about clothes!), and we will get to that later in the week. But here’s the truth:
You can wear the best outfit in the world, and if your hair is a mess, you won’t feel good in that outfit.
Our hair is the most basic part of our appearance, because it frames the face. It gives that first impression. And so you need a good hairstyle!
I actually spent a lot of time caring for my hair as a teenager and a woman in her young twenties. I either curled it a ton:
Or I cut it short and curled it:
It’s not that I had good haircuts; I just spent a lot of time on it. But after I had kids it all changed. My hair is very heavy, and doesn’t hold curl tremendously well without a lot of time with a curling iron. So I just gave up. And I went back to my glasses, too.
Seriously, I look younger here than my two younger cousins! And just to prove that I ALWAYS looked like that, here’s another shot from our playgroup:
Within a few years I was sick of being frumpy, so I finally got a good haircut I liked. I found a hairdresser in Belleville that went to our church, and I just let her do whatever she wanted. She texturized my hair like crazy (because it’s so thick) so that it would have more body and shape. She’s been a super good friend ever since (she was even the “flower girl” when we renewed our wedding vows after 25 years). But I have always felt so much better!
Here I am in 2004, with Katie, right after Jill did my hair:
The key for me has always been that I want my hair to look amazing even after just a few minutes. I can’t be tied to a curling iron or straightener to feel good, or I will never do my hair.
So here I am when I first wake up in the morning:
And here I am after brushing, a tiny bit of gel, and a little bit of hair spray. Total time: Under a minute (barely!)
A good haircut makes a huge difference.
And that’s what Rebecca found, too.
My daughter, Rebecca, had beautiful curls all the way to her waist when she was in high school.
Somewhere right before university, her hair just lost the natural curl and went to just waves and a bunch of frizz. It became really hard to manage, and never really got back to that natural curl she had before.
So (I have her permission to write this!) her hair has been pretty frumpy since she was 18 unless she put a solid hour into styling it. So here’s what she did (take it away, Becca!)
Becca here. It was obvious that I needed a change. Seriously, university put me into a funk when it comes to hair and makeup and now I work from home, so it’s easy to let it slip! Here’s what I tended to look like (but remember, these were when I was comfortable enough to take pictures, so it was usually way worse than here!):
I was getting really tired of dumpy whenever I looked in the mirror, though, so I called up a hairdresser friend and told her that I needed a hairstyle that:
- Worked with my natural wave/body so I wouldn’t have to straighten it every day
- Wouldn’t have to be blow-dried
- Would be easy to fancy up for special occasions
- And would take less than 5 minutes to style
So I got a layered bob with a body perm and it has been a HUGE success.
Here it is after just a bit of spritzing and some gel in the morning:
A whole lot better than before (trust me)! Finding a hairstyle that works for you and takes only a very little time is such a huge help. Have straight hair? Maybe a layered cut with texture to give it more volume. Have half-wavy hair like I do? Maybe add in some curls to help give the volume more structure.
It doesn’t need to take an hour to look put together. The difference is huge–and my husband loves it! But I spend less time than I did before, and now it actually looks good. Which is a big relief!
What if you have long hair? Seriously consider getting it textured
My daughter Katie has extremely heavy, extremely long hair, which pretty much always looks amazing. But it’s because she keeps her ends trimmed, AND because Jill (yes, we all go to the same hairdresser because Jill is awesome) texturizes it like crazy. She takes those texturizing scissors and just chops chops chops. That way Katie’s hair is a lot thinner as you move down, and then it flows better and holds curl better (because Katie actually takes time to curl it.
Here’s one of her engagement photos:
It may look like she has simple long hair, but she doesn’t. And that’s the key, I think, to making long, straight hair look good: It can’t be all the same length. It has to be heavily texturized if it’s thick.
All of us did the same thing. We went in to see a (good) hairdresser and said, “this isn’t working for me. What should I do?” And Jill looked at our hair type and suggested things, even out of the box things (like putting a perm in).
The worst I ever felt about myself was when I had no hair style.
I feel so much better now. Your hair matters. If you don’t know what to do, go on Pinterest and search for hairstyles for your hair texture and length. See what you like, and then bring pictures into a hairdresser. But invest in a good haircut. It makes a huge amount of difference–more than any clothes actually will.
And join me tomorrow when we talk about how a little bit of natural makeup can make a huge difference, too!
Here’s your Fight the Frump challenge today: Ask yourself, Do I have a hairstyle where I can look good and feel good in less than 5 minutes? Ideally, really, under 3? If not, then plan when you’re going to go and make a change!
Join me for the rest of my Fight the Frump challenge!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Heatless headband curls – it will literally change your life. I have long hair, and it looks like I spend time on my hair, when I spend maybe 1-2 minutes at night, and 30 seconds in the morning. Life changing.
I don’t even know what those are! Sounds really interesting. I should tell Rebecca about it!
Just googled it. Looks really interesting! It would never work for me (my hair doesn’t hold curl), but for someone like Rebecca, who has naturally wavy hair, but just not that wavy, it would be great!
Used to do them all the time in high school 🙂
Highlights? Or braids? I seem to remember lots of highlights, too, when it was me paying…. 🙂
This is great! I just recently got highlights for the first time and found that even that made my hair look more put together when I do it curled or straightened. (I have long hair with some layers, but a weird semi-wavy semi-straight hair that still needs styling if I’m wearing it down). A lot of times I wear it up and braid the top then do a ponytail and twist my hair so it dries curled. Not as nice as when I style it, but it looks more put together and works well for my current 2 under 2 season I’m in where my kids like to pull on my hair if I wear it down 😂
I love my highlights! I totally colour my hair and it does make me feel great. 🙂
I can’t get to the hairdresser often, so when I do get it coloured (I usually ask for that as a birthday gift or something, as it is a significant amount of money!), I get an ombre colour style (with highlights) – and then when it grows out, it looks natural, rather than like I haven’t been to the hairdresser!
I have long hair, but it’s quite fine, so even though I LOVE the layered/textured look, what the hairdresser says works best for me is a straight-across-the-bottom cut, because it adds more weight and volume to my fine, fly-away hair.
I have also gone from washing my hair every day to 3x a week, and (with regular brushing) it looks nicer now than it did being cleaned every day. I only very rarely use any product in my hair though, when I do it is only a texturizing ‘sea salt’ spray (which happens to smell DEVINE).
Yes, I don’t wash my hair everyday, either! Too much work. A bunch of people have talked about sea salt spray. I’ve never heard of that! Have to look into it.
Salt spray is great! I actually make my own: 1 tbsp of salt dissolved in 1/2 cup of warm water, adding a few drops of olive oil for moisture and essential oil for a nice scent if desired.
I have some work to do here… My husband and I both like my hair longer but I did recently get it cut from elbow length to just past my shoulders. Makes my life sooo much easier with a toddler and a baby, but it still ends up in a pony tail 75% of the time. And my hair is really straight and slippery, to the point that I don’t own a curling iron because nothing stays in for more than 10 minutes even with loads of product. I used to hate that but I’ve to appreciate it 🙂 I’ll have to get the opinion of a good hairdresser…
Highlights are cute on others but are so not happening for me. I hate spending money on my hair and the roots growing out / having to get it redone would drive me craaaaazy.
I hear you! I would definitely seek out a good hairdresser, though, and just tell her what you need. And I’m still of the opinion that someone can look super feminine with a shorter style, if that’s what works for you. I tried the long hair thing but I just couldn’t do it. Too thick. Sometimes your hair has to kind of dictate what you do with it! I hope you find someone great.
Hi H,
This might not be helpful but I have the same hair as you by the sounds of it, long but fine and slippery so it doesn’t hold curl. I discovered that if I plait it while it’s wet it holds the wave when it’s dry. I take the same amount of hair as for half-up half-down, put it in two plaits, one either side of my head which keeps my hair out of my eyes, and it looks pretty nice like that in a pony tail. Next morning all I have to do is take the plaits out – I don’t even need to brush because my hair is so slippery.
I’d had the same hairstyle since I was 15 and growing out a bad perm– long, semi-wavy, down to about the middle of my back. (I’m in my mid 30s now, so it had been awhile!) I liked it long, but got it chopped to about shoulder length shortly after having my second baby in April, because my braid kept whacking him in the face every time I laid him down! I was pleasantly surprised at how well (and wavy) it air dries now, and how quickly I can style it. Even though I still just have to do ponytails some days, with grabby baby hands.
That’s awesome about your new hair style! I think a lot of people are surprised that when they cut a lot of length (and weight) off, it really does hold shape and becomes easier to manage!
I have hair just like you describe, thick and never holds a curl. Neither do I want to spend a lot of time on it but I can’t find a stylist who will do what one did for you. They always insist that I tell them what I want and it has been so frustrating. I. don’t. know!! I just need something simple and easy and fuss-free. I also have a “unique” face, as my last hair dresser described, so that makes it even more difficult to find a good and attractive hair style*sigh*
Yes, my hairdresser makes a huge difference. I go in and I ask her, “what are we doing today?” I don’t think I’ve ever told her what to do! And it’s awesome.
I’d find someone you know whose hair you like and ask them where they go to get it done. And keep trying until you find someone who really will work with you. When you find someone, stick with them, because that’s a gem!
Yes!!!!!! I need a hairstyle. That is what makes me feel frumpy. My hubby prefers some length but it gets ragged looking (idk if it’s hormonal or thyroid??) also, I’ve always had bangs but now I don’t really. I have gray that I try to keep colored in an inexpensive way (and non damaging to my poor fine hair) but I neeeees a style other than sloppy ponytail (which probably breaks my hair too 🙄)
Yes! Ponytails can be brutal on hair health! I know a lot of guys say they love length, but I still think what they really love is “feminine”, and they associate long hair with feminine. It’s funny, though: If you show a guy a picture of a woman whose hair comes above her shoulders but is really styled and curled, he’ll often say she has longer hair. But she doesn’t! I say ask your husband to trust you and get a style that you feel confident in. If he really doesn’t like it, you can always regrow it. That’s the cool thing about hair: it grows back!
I have a friend who has recently gone through breast cancer. She lost her long hair. But the funny thing is, it’s growing back curly and a different colour, and it looks so funky now! I actually think it looks better now than it did before. It matches her personality more–it has gumption. I don’t know. Anyway, I just think sometimes we have to find a style where we feel pretty and feminine.
You can also try different hairstyles, switch it up. A low, loose braid will get your hair out of your face like a ponytail, but won’t put the same stress on your strands and follicles. And a French twist always looks super classy, but is pretty easy to do with a little practice. I find the best and easiest way to secure one is with a comb. Not even a fancy one, just one of the little plastic ones you can get at any drugstore pretty cheaply. Works better and is quicker to insert than a bunch of hairpins!
Have you tried henna for coloring you hair? I haven’t, but it’s supposed to be much more gentle than traditional hair dye, so it might work well for you. Plus it’s something you can do at home and isn’t expensive like going to the salon. If you do nothing else, at least get a deep conditioner and use it once a week to strengthen your hair. It’ll make such a difference!
I can so relate to Rebecca with the curly/wavy hair. I have found that my hormones directly effect the amount of curl in my hair. I was curly as a toddler but lost my curls through childhood. I got them back at puberty but it was the 80s and everyone blow dried and curled their hair so I didn’t really realize how curly my hair actually was until the early 90s in college when I stopped blow drying it with a brush and started using a diffuser. Then when I was pregnant with my first child, a boy, I lost my curls throughout my pregnancy and just had waves but got them back once I delivered. With my daughter it was the opposite and my hair got even tighter curls during pregnancy and relaxed a bit afterwards. Even now, 13 years after my last pregnancy I can tell what my hormones are doing based on my curls. So, all that just to let Rebecca know to not be surprised if the curls come back at some point, especially with pregnancy. And yes, with very thick, very curly hair a good hair cut with texture and lots of layers keeps you from looking like a poodle.
That’s really interesting! Becca’s always had hormone fluctuations (sorry if that’s TMI, Becca!), and I know she thinks it affects her hair (and working as a lifeguard for three years in a chlorine pool didn’t help). It will be interesting to see what happens when she gets pregnant!
I love this series! I recently brought a medically complex baby home from the hospital. I have had lots of frumpy days. We have settled into a better daily schedule, and I’m really trying to make more of an effort. Fresh makeup, clean clothes, and brushed hair makes a huge difference!
Oh, wow, that must be so tiring with that baby! It’s great that you’ve decided to take some time to yourself, though. It really does make you feel more energized!
I just went and got a haircut last night! My hair is extremely thick – my stylist comments almost every time I see her on how much darn hair I have. It used to be super curly, like Shirley Temple curls if I just let it air dry, but not any more. It’s just kind of wavy/frizzy. I’ve had it all sorts of lengths and styles, but my hair seems to do best when it’s on the short side. It’s just happier and more cooperative! Right now it’s a chin length angled bob. I blow dry it straight with a round brush and that whole process takes upwards of twenty minutes, but then I don’t have to think about it for two whole days. More than one friend has told me I’ve inspired them to stop just thinking about cutting their hair and actually do it.
I am just a big supporter of shorter hair. Some people just can’t get away with longer hair. They just can’t. And it’s better to own up to that and find something that you look great in than trying to keep longer hair because it’s more feminine or something. That’s not always the case!
Don’t get me started on men and their long hair … preferences (oh wait – that was a comment above). I do get that it “seems” more feminine, sometimes. But also I totally agree, that some people (like me) look SO MUCH BETTER with shorter hair. It’s all about how it frames your face. I have a LOT of hair, too, and would love to have it longer, but it always just drags me down. My husband, too, prefers my hair shorter. If it is kept up with a good haircut, short hair can really look chic.
I like your hair, Sheila, and I’m surprised that only takes 1 minute in the morning. That is another thing – I am not willing to spend time on my hair. I pretty much wash (mostly just rinse), gel, and go, every morning. But I could probably take a minute if it would look like yours! But I fear I have too much wave. Hmmmm.
Well, I do wash my hair every other day, so on that day I have to blow dry. But that really doesn’t take much time, and then I just blow it into place and spray it into place. The key thing is that I have so many layers and textures in it that it kind of sits where it’s supposed to. When it was all one length in a bob it just hung there. I have totally and completely straight hair, but with all the layers, etc., it actually has some shape.
I know if you have frizzy or wavy hair you couldn’t necessarily do it this quickly. But that’s where maybe we need to bring perms back (like with Rebecca!) 🙂
I have naturally curly hair which was very thin when I was a child so I had to keep it very short or it just looked messy. Finally at around 13, it thickened enough for me to grow it longer but I then spent several years fighting with it using loads of different products to try and style it. I gave in and realised that as long as I washed it with good quality shampoo/conditioner every other day, let it air dry, got it regularly cut and had it layered to give it body and texture, my hair was happy and then so was I. I am 42 now and it is shoulder length. On the day that I wash it and it is at it’s most curly I use an Alice band to keep out of my face if I am doing lots of jobs so I can resist putting it in a pony tail. You are right about investing in a good hairdresser, after I have had it cut and layered I feel really good about my hair.
Yay! That’s wonderful.
This is perfect timing, because I just had my haircut appointment this morning!
But I remember standing in a circle of moms several years back, and the ladies were sharing where they got their hair cut and how much they paid. I didn’t speak up, because their numbers made it clear they would have been horrified by how much I spent for my haircut. Yet I’m a defender of finding an excellent, and sometimes pricey, hairdresser who can give you a good cut. The truth is that paying $50 every eight weeks is the same as paying $25 every four weeks, and my good haircuts always last longer.
I also think it matters to figure out what style and products work well for you. That one-minute do you did is impressive, but with the hair I have and the climate I live in (hot & really humid), I have to wash my every day. Even then, it takes less than 10 minutes to do, and that’s if I run the blow dryer. You’re so right that it really doesn’t take a lot of effort if you have the right haircut, style, and products. Great tips, Sheila!
Sometimes you have to pay a lot for your hair. 🙂 I agree. I’m a big advocate for good haircuts–although I really couldn’t afford it at one point in my life, either (as is evident from the pictures).
Yeah, you have really thin hair, if I remember correctly. But it always hangs really nicely, which is probably because of good texturizing!
I’m not criticizing you on judging how you spend your money, but for me I would NEVER spend $25 every four weeks on a haircut/style (maybe every 6 months) and I would feel terribly guilty about it if I did. (I’m sure if you looked at my budget there would be things that you could say the same to me about 🙂 ) When I do get my hair cut, my qualifications are : no products necessary, no blow dryers etc. I need it to look as good as possible with just a brush. I do braids often or something to get it off my neck (I live in the same climate as you). My husband likes “put together” but low maintenance.
Some of this could be how much a haircut costs in our particular areas. Because it’s definitely varied depending on places I’ve lived. But yeah, a decent haircut is an easy $25 where I reside. That said, I don’t color my hair, pay a lot for hair products, or go very often. I agree entirely that we each have to decide what we can afford and what expenditures make the most sense for us.
Advocate for long hair here. Short hair may be right for you, but if you’ve tried it, miss your long hair, but still don’t know what to do with it, may I recommend learning some braids? It may not be right for everyone, but I have long, fine, stick-straight hair, and a simple French braid takes about three minutes and looks nice. A lot of times I do a Dutch braid or twist down one side that takes less than five. If you practice, a messy bun can be quick, too.
YES braids were a lifesaver for me in high school, when I had long hair (down almost to my hips)! And in university, too! A good french braid looks really classy and can make you feel polished in a pinch 🙂
I have extremely thick, coarse hair that has gotten progressively wavier/curlier with each of my three pregnancies. I don’t mind some crazy curl when I have my hair up, but if I wear it down, I want it straight so it doesn’t turn into a giant puffball. I’ve recently discovered the joy of dry shampoo! It takes a good 40 minutes to blow-dry and straighten my hair, but I only have to do it twice a week if I use dry shampoo on the other days to maintain it.
Dry shampoo sounds like a life saver for people with hair like yours!
I’m quite petite and have very thick, wavy hair. I only ever used to braid it because it was too much to handle, but a few years ago I got a bob with lots of layers and thinning that works with my hair type and doesn’t drag my look down. I used to look 12 and like a frizzy poodle! I just wash it and brush quickly every morning and it works so well for me! I’ve found a hairdresser I trust (we are awesome friends now!) and I only need a good cut every 3-4 months because it grows in very subtly and doesn’t go back to being a huge frizzy mess!!
That’s awesome, Alice! Hairdressers can be wonderful. And the more you go to one, the more she knows you! Jill always says that I do my hair better than she ever could, but she cuts it way better. 🙂
My hair is really long, thick, and that half wavy-half straight texture. If I’m running low on time, I’ll scrunch it after the shower and put some seat salt spray in it. If my hair is dry, I will use a curling wand, it doesn’t take much time at all if I get up a little earlier, and the curls last for days! I’m growing my hair out to donate, but I want it to be really long so I have some length after it’s cut since my husband doesn’t like super short hair and I don’t on myself either. I’m loving this series about fighting the frump! I guess my biggest struggle is being too tired to get up on time to take my son to school, so I’ll dress nice but sometimes I don’t have time to do my hair or makeup. But it feels great when I do and I feel much more productive and confident! 🙂
Yay! I can’t imagine curls that last for days, though. My hair barely last for hours! 🙂
Maintaining that haircut is also key. When you’ve just had a baby it can be months before you manage to get back to the hairdresser. But I think it’s important to try and maintain a regular cycle. I straighten my wavey hair and then use dry shampoo in between washes to maintain the style because it takes a while to get it done. And since I’ve got two little ones I always tell my hairdresser to give me a style that will look good in a pony tail. I love to wear it down but I have to tie it up quickly when cooking and cleaning. So I stick with styles that help accommodate that. My next goal is to start adding a few highlights for a little more umph!
That sounds awesome! A number of people have mentioned dry shampoo. If you’re someone where it honestly takes a ton of time to dry & straighten, that sounds like an awesome resource.
Another thing to remember and to figure out that can help is how to style your hair up. I️ think a lot of times ponytails and buns get a bad wrap and people thing if you wear your hair like that you are lazy or don’t care or have bad hair. I️ simply believe that isn’t true. If your hair is longer, there are awesome ways to put your hair up and keep it out of your face and still look good. I️ was an athlete in college and so I️ did and still do wear my hair up a lot because I️ work in the college sports world. Wearing your ponytail to the side or making sure your bun is high enough can keep you from looking bald and can be very cute. It can be a nice switch up and sometimes even looks better with certain necklines! Just a reminder that you don’t have to wear your hair down to look good, feminine, and like you care about your appearance!
That is very true, Grace! And Katie is the queen of up-dos, as she likes to call them.
I agree, Grace! I have long hair, so wear it up all the time rather than have it get in the way, but I don’t feel frumpy at all. The key to some of that is not wearing the same style all the time, which puts stress on your hair at the same point, and finding fun hair accessories to liven up your look.
I love this series, Sheila! I have waist-length long, baby fine, wavy hair and was totally ready to cut it several years ago because the only way I could keep the length but not get it tangled was in a single braid, and that was so boring! Then I started learning how to do different updo hair styles, though, and found some amazing hair accessories that totally changed how I approached my hair. For one, I don’t wear it the same way two days in a row, which gives the hair a rest rather than always stressing it at the same point. Now except for when I wash my hair (which I DON’T do everyday – for most people it actually dries out your hair to do that), my morning hair routine is under five minutes and I feel put together and fabulous, and not a bit frumpy.
Wish I could find something. I have a very round face with the double chin thing my hair is fine Would love to find a style that makes my face apperar slimmer. Can’t stand long bangs or anything near my eyes. Any suggestions
I feel like I must have missed a class somewhere. Every other woman I know has some idea how to do her hair to look good, how to do make up, what kind of clothes and hairstyle look good on her. I just don’t get it. I don’t see how people can tell what looks good. I always have to ask my husband whether new clothes suit me because I can’t tell. It’s like having a blind spot. I’ve asked my husband and friends to help me work it out, but it seems to be so intuitive for them that they can’t explain what they see – though my husband did tell me some colours that look good on me and some to avoid, which helps, but I don’t see why one suits me better than another!
The hair thing always stumps me, and I have never really liked my hair. I have baby fine, thin hair that doesn’t hold a curl at all and has zero natural body. If I cut it short it just hangs, so I keep it long and boring. I also don’t want to do any more than just brush it in the morning- a blow dryer is too much work, curling iron is useless, and most gels irritate my skin. It needs to be long enough for me to get into a ponytail or tuck behind my ears. Besides all of that, I have some sensory issues and HATE other people touching my hair which means that I very rarely get it cut. I’ve thought about highlights and did a short term color once but decided that it was too much work to maintain.
My most recent learning experience with my wavy hair is to scrunch the conditioner into my hair to accentuate my curl while the conditioner does its job and then to dry my hair with an old t-shirt instead of a regular towel. My hair does so much better that way. Oh, and if it isn’t too cold to stand to do it, I do my final hair rinse (to get the conditioner out) with cold water. And then a wide tooth comb through and then more scrunching (no product) and my hair looks curly the rest of the day; if I leave it down, I at least pull back the sides with clips or combs because I hate hair in my face. When I don’t wash it, most days actually, I brush it out and pull it back in a pony tail. It looks a bit frizzy and fuzzy sometimes, but my hair has volume and just isn’t meant to look truly straight. If I do make the effort to actually straighten it (a rare event), it takes about 40 minutes if already dry and longer wet, but it will stay straight until the next time I wash it. I do think I want to see about getting it thinned before it gets warm again, but now that’s it winter again, I just use the extra warmth.
My daughter uses the T-shirt method on her hair, too!
Yes, a good haircut makes a huge difference.