What if aging parents need help, but only one child lives near them?
For the last two Fridays I’ve been talking about caring for aging parents. I started the conversation by accident, with a little bit of a rant on 3 things parents should do to make it easier for their children to care for them eventually. Then last week I followed up with thoughts on how to draw boundaries about what you will and won’t do for your parents.
Today I want to talk about a different relationship: sibling relationships.
Even if your relationship with your parents is difficult, one day they may need care regardless. And what do you do if only one child lives near them–and your other siblings live far away?
That was a big theme in the comments over the last few weeks–how do you handle it when you’re the only one who lives close?
I’d just like to tell you a story about my grandparents.
My grandparents retired in their mid-60s in the early 1970s. At the time, one of my aunts was just married and getting set up in southern California. My mother and her other sister lived in Toronto. My grandparents decided to retire in Kelowna, which is in British Columbia, a four hour plane ride from Toronto (more, really, because it requires a stopover somewhere). That was their first mistake–moving far away from family. (I talked about that in the original post!)
They were fairly healthy, and my grandfather used to walk several miles a day. But out of the blue, in 1977, he had a massive stroke. My aunt in Toronto flew out immediately. She’s a doctor, and she could be the most help. She also had two little girls at the time–1 and 3. But my mother was a single mom to me, and I was 7. My mom couldn’t leave her job. My aunt Alison could.
Over the next few months they made arrangements to move my grandparents to Toronto. My grandfather was badly affected by the stroke; he was paralyzed on his left side, and his speech was difficult. He had spent his life as a choir director and voice teacher and he could no longer sing. (His speech eventually came back; his singing voice didn’t.) But my grandmother was still relatively fine. They moved into an assisted living apartment where she could care for him.
In 1980 the family faced a difficult decision. My cousin Danielle, who was 4 at the time, had severe asthma. The doctors advised my aunt and uncle to take her out of Toronto for her health. So they moved three hours out of the city, leaving my mom as the only child now near my grandparents.
My cousins and me with my grandparents in 1990
Over the years as my grandmother’s health deteriorated too, they eventually had to go into a nursing home. My grandmother actually passed first, in 1993. My grandfather lived another ten years, living 25 years after a massive stroke.
And in that last fifteen years or so of his life, my mother visited them every single Saturday (except when we were on vacation). Think about that: every single Saturday, she went to see her parents. And it wasn’t easy–it required a long subway ride and an even longer bus transfer. Toronto’s a big place!
Once parents are in a home, they need kids to visit them even more.
When kids visit, then the people at the home know that this person is watched, and so they get cared for better. And besides, the home may keep you alive, fed, and clean (barely). But they don’t ensure that you have things to do or that you aren’t bored out of your mind. For my grandfather, it was a constant struggle to find ways to read (it was hard with bad vision and only one hand to hold a book and turn pages), and to find things to listen to or figure out how to use a TV.
But my mom sometimes needed a break. And she couldn’t do everything.
So here’s the arrangement she worked out with her siblings:
- Mom visited every weekend and just took care of daily things.
- Her physician sister who lived three hours away came in during the week to do all medical and dental appointments (which were frequent) because she had a more flexible work schedule
- The sister who lived in California flew up for a week every year and took Grandpa on lots of errands and did all the special things that had been building up (like finding a new TV that he could operate).
That way my mom got a bit of a break. But since she lived closer, she did do the bulk of the care.
At Grandpa’s 90th birthday in 1998.
If you’re the sibling who lives further away, please help!
I watched my mom dedicate every weekend to her parents for years. It was a HUGE toll on her. The fact that her sisters helped made a big difference.
If you have aging parents and you have a sibling caring for them, please offer to help. If you have to give up a week of your vacation time, yes, that’s a sacrifice. But if your sibling is giving up weekends and evenings, they need a break, too.
Divide up finances fairly
Another issue is that the sibling who cares for mom and dad is typically out of pocket quite a bit. And they also often miss out on general fun things that most people get to do. The sacrifice is pretty immense.
So it’s important for siblings to talk now, rather than after the parent passes, about finances. Will the sibling who cares for the parents get more of the inheritance? Can the sibling use some of the parent’s income now to pay for expenses? Have those awkward conversations. And do be generous.
What if you need help and your siblings won’t give it?
And here’s the hardest scenario: What if you were like my mom, but unlike my mother, your siblings didn’t want to help? And it truly is all on your shoulders?
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Maybe there’s a house that needs to be cleaned out. Maybe your mom has been living with you but you can’t handle it anymore. Now what?
I know this is hard, but you can’t force a sibling to help.
Don’t commit to helping your parents to a certain degree, assuming that someone will pitch in. Only commit to what you can do, assuming that you get no help whatsoever. That’s hard, but it is reality.
I’ve known people to take a mom with Alzheimer’s into their home for a year, assuming a sibling will do the same thing a year later. But not all siblings are able to do that, especially with their own family situation. And some may decide it’s just too much of a disruption.
Sometimes siblings have really good reasons for not helping, too. I think of one of my friends who was severely abused by her mother growing up, and lived mostly in foster homes. She has no relationship with her mother today–but her older sister does. And her older sister is caring for the mother, and often wants help. This mother, however, injured my friend far more than she injured the older sister. For my friend’s psychological health, she needs to stay away.
My mother-in-law would have loved to have helped her mother at the end of her life, but she lived 20 hours away, had four small boys, and couldn’t drive there. They visited when they could, but it was impossible to do more without moving (and there were no jobs back home).
Sometimes your siblings think your parents don’t need that much help.
There’s one other issue: sometimes siblings honestly don’t think parents need that much help. And sometimes the siblings are right. In my grandparents’ case, they did need help if they were to have a good quality of life. But as we discussed last week, sometimes parents are asking unreasonable things of their kids. If your siblings decide to draw boundaries, and say no, that is their prerogative. Maybe you feel too guilty to do that. But perhaps you should listen to your siblings, too.
Sometimes, as well, a sibling may think that the parents belong in a care facility rather than at home (or living with you). They may not be willing to help keep the parents in a house if they feel the time has come for the parents to go elsewhere. If you’re battling with guilt over forcing your parents to go into a home, you may take on a huge amount of responsibility. But if your siblings are standing firm, that is not their fault. They may have a point. If you can’t keep things together without your siblings’ help, but your siblings say they’ll only help under certain conditions, maybe you should sit down and listen to your siblings. They may be right.
Okay, that’s a lot of different scenarios! I hope I covered most of them. But tell me what you think: do you find care for aging parents to be lopsided in your family? What do you do about it?
Are you the sibling trying to get other siblings to draw some boundaries? Are you the sibling trying to get other siblings to do more? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This is a conversation that has come to the forefront in my family, as my grandparents have all had various health issues pop up recently. Both my mom’s parents and my dad’s mom are pretty financially secure, for which my parents are eternally grateful. My parents, though, are their only kids who are close by. My dad has two other siblings living (one passed away eight years ago), but neither of them are in relationship with their mom. My mom has two siblings but both live in other states. My parents are beginning to have those conversations about all the scenarios of what if grandma passes before grandpa, do we feel grandpa could live on his own? What if my dad’s mom gets sick again and has to be moved into full time care instead of independent living? I have a hard time talking about it. We know logically that nobody lives forever. But we’re still not ready for it when the time comes. I’ve never known life without my grandparents. But I know the time when they won’t be on this earth any more is getting close. I’m not ready. Cue the tears.
That is hard, Melissa! But that’s so wonderful that you have a good relationship with your grandparents! I honestly never really knew mine when they were well. My only memories of them are when they were already fading. I’m so grateful that my daughters truly know my mom and my husband’s parents. They were “younger” grandparents, like around 50 when my girls were born, whereas my grandparents were 63 when I was born. That makes a big difference!
Those decisions are hard. I hope that when the time comes it’s really obvious and everyone agrees. That’s something to really pray for–that it almost seems like you’re not having to make a decision, because there really is only one option.
Sheila, thank you so much for this post! And thank you for remembering those of us who have suffered damage at the hands of parents. My father passed away when we were teens, so I make sure I see my mother once a year, and call every two weeks to make sure she’s okay, but I cannot bear much more of a relationship than that without repercussions and flashbacks (through which my husband has been infinitely supportive and loving). As my mother ages, I cannot imagine her health staying with her due to her habits, both at a young age and currently. My brother, who still lives with her, although he’s in his mid-20s, insists that we help them both financially, which I’ve refused since my mother arrived under the influence and stole from both me and my sister at my wedding. My brother still sees it as an affront, and does not understand why we will not help. I do not like the idea of seeing her put in public healthcare and assisted living, but I cannot help but feel that it is wrong to give her money when she has refused to hold a steady job since the 1980s.
That’s such a good point! I think that will be my last post for the series: Are we financially responsible for parents who were financially irresponsible their whole lives? I don’t have a good answer for that one.
How about siblings that don’t drive? Have their own addictions? I already know they will argue about the cottage but they cannot contribute financial at all. My parents don’t have a will either. I know it will all be left to me. Thanks for writing about these issues.
Oh, Kathleen, that’s hard! but if they don’t have a will, it won’t be left to you. It will be divided up between you and your siblings. So you may want to talk to your parents about making a will to ensure the kids with addictions don’t get money to foster that addiction.
My grandma died a week ago. We are so thankful she was able to spend the end of her life at home. My mom is one of 3 of her kids that lives in the same state. One lives overseas, and one is in Canada (We are in the US).
What my family worked out was for one uncle to live with my grandparents and be their full-time caregiver. My mom would go over after work and let him have a break so he could go get a coffee or something. And another uncle a few hours away would spend many weekends there helping. My aunt and uncle living far away helped financially quite a bit.
Now we have to figure out the best solution for my grandpa’s care going forward.
I’m sorry about your grandma! That’s wonderful that you were all able to care for her, though. You sound like you have a great family! That’s the way it should be.
My in-laws lived with us for several years before they both passed away, my M-I-L from Alzheimer’s, and a year later my dad moved in after a broken hip until he died 2 years later. He was an invalid. (My mother passed away suddenly in the interim.)
Our lives were altered drastically for years. Priorities shift. I had help with my dad from my brothers, but my wife is an only child. Church brothers and sisters help.
After my dad died, and I was “alone,” and hurting, a brother in Christ said something like, “Be grateful that you and Judy were permitted to obey God – to honor your father and your mother till the end. Not everyone has that chance, and many who have it will not do it.” That truth made it all worthwhile, and eased a great burden of grief.
Of course the week after my dad died, my daughter and her six kids moved in because of a bad divorce. We are now “parents” again. 🙂
I love that perspective! It is an honour. And it has its own reward. I’m sorry about your daughter’s divorce. May grace be with you.
My dad is 90 and quite independent, however, mom (married 65 years!) passed away last year and almost all of his friends are gone. I am the boots on the ground as I live within a 20 minute drive. I try to visit him at least for lunch every day, so that he has some companionship. He is most grateful! My sister who lives an hour away comes to visit 1-2 days per week, giving me a break. My daughter has dinner with him every Sunday evening. These arrangements keep us from getting too frazzled! The most valuable thing I have found, is to call him every morning, to see how he is doing physically and emotionally. That gives me an idea of whether we need to plan an unscheduled visit to a doctor, etc. , that day. He does have health issues and has had a medical alarm contact bracelet, so that if he presses the button, we know that an ambulance is on the way. As well, I receive a phone call from the company telling me that has happened. It gives us a lot of piece of mind! The other piece of advice I can add is to have that difficult conversation about end-of-life choices as far as medical care goes. We have had these conversations facilitated by the hospital staff on three stays, so that our family has a very clear idea of what interventions he does and does not want.
That sounds wonderful, Susan! I think it’s really nice that you get to have lunch with him everyday. That’s a real gift.
Oh, this strikes such a chord! I kept myself away from my family (about 3 hours plane flight away) because of a lot of control issues. My older sibling has had our parents live in a granny-flat arrangement with her family for a long time. My dad has now passed away and my mom is starting to get older and less active. I worry that I am not there to help my sibling. Additionally my partner has a long-awaited chance to get his dream job in a completely different country, and that is making me feel even more guilty. Should I pack it all in and move to where my family live? Note that as we are migrants, neither the place where I live or the place they live in has enduring family ties.
I’m really grateful that my grandparents built a house right down the road from us when they retired. Not only did we have the benefit of growing up with them a regular part of our lives, but when they wound up outliving both their daughters, they were close by for us to care for and visit.
Hey Sheila,
it’s great that you’ve started the topic on your website. It’s such an important and in my opinion underrepresented theme when talking about married life and family issues.
You focused this time on how to get siblings to help out with the care, but what if there simply are no siblings that could help? I’m kind of an only child and just starting my own family (we don’t have kids yet, but we’d like to soon), and my mom is already in a home because of her physical conditions, my dad is living alone in their flat, also with a lot of health issues and without anyone (and that pretty much literary) to talk to. And they are 300 km from us. And soon to be more like 800 km since we want to move out of our current place because of horrible air pollution.
It really can be tough in this case to decide what to do – and the indecision of my parents is also not helping. I understand that they probably have fears related to any possible solution of the current situation, but doing nothing doesn’t help either.
We would love for them to come with us where we could organize some help, but ultimately the decision is theirs.
They may even prefer to live in a home both together, but unfortunately, this doesn’t seem to be possible costwise – it’s going to be far too much to pay from our 2 salaries, not to think of the shortage of money if I was to stay at home with a kid for some time.
This situation is something that’s on my mind quite a lot, I had to learn to disconnect a bit to be able to start building my own family and plan for our future, but there are times that I am really unsure what this should look like going forwards.
Maybe you have some insights that you could share in one of the next articles in the series (if this is becoming a series).
Either way, it’s always good to hear how other people are coping, and to see that the issue is actually wide spread.
Siblings should be discussing this issue seriously since I believe we should payback to our parents by also taking care of them when they grow old. The scenarios given about are very common issues and what you have emphasized make sense.
This is really important. Thank you for sharing your insights. I’m really glad to have a caring sibling who loves our parents. They gave us the world who took care of us ever since we just in the womb. As they get older, it’s time to give back what they have sacrificed for us and to love them no matter what. Thank you for sharing such a lovely post.
My husband has two brothers and they never do anything to help. It’s going to be so hard someday when everything falls on our shoulders. His family doesn’t talk about anything, ever. So there will be no discussion beforehand. When the time comes that they need care we will just be left to flounder with no help from either of his brothers. Oh and we already know their will and everything has been evenly divided between the three brothers so they know that even if they don’t lift a finger it won’t affect their inheritance.
That’s really hard, A. I’m sorry that your family has made such poor decisions. I guess all you can do is love in the present, and make sure you don’t continue the trend in the next generations!
Great topic, Sheila! A long time ago I heard that more often than not, elder care comes down to one sibling. I’m the one. I live 45 minutes away from Mom (by choice–closer would be a BAD idea). One brother lives in Texas, one in California, and one in Asia. So yeah, it’s just me. Thankfully Mom is having a great time in assisted living. And ever since I read the book “Boundaries” and established my own, things are MUCH better.
My mother does have a companion for a few hours each day, to drive her to appointments, the grocery store, and what not. And out of my mother’s finances, I pay them $21/hour:() At one point I decided to also pay myself, about half as much, but still… It takes the edge off my grumpiness to know that I’m not basically, “being a slave.”