Should we truly be 100% honest in marriage?
I’ve written before that I don’t think absolute honesty is the best policy in marriage, and today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I’d elaborate and share 10 things you SHOULDN’T say to your spouse! I even asked you all on Facebook for your opinions, and got some great answers that I’ll sprinkle through this post.
But first, I want to go back to first principles.
What is it that God wants for marriage? He wants us to have intimate marriages where we truly “know” each other; where we’re able to love each other and be a team and serve God together. We want to feel like one flesh.
That means that when we’re sharing, we need to ask, “Is this something that will build up intimacy and one-ness, or will it tear it down?” Now, that doesn’t mean that we don’t share hard things, because sometimes hard things need to be shared to get to that next level of intimacy. But often it means that some things, I believe, should be dealt with on your own with God, or with a friend or accountability partner instead of your spouse.
So let’s take a look at what some of those things may be!
10 Things You Shouldn’t Share with Your Spouse
1. “I wouldn’t have married you” if I knew then what I know now
One woman recently wrote me about a close friend who shared just this. She says:
Another woman wrote:
Do you have a hard time asking for what you want?
If your marriage is in a communication rut, it’s time for some change.
2. “I don’t love you right now”
Let’s be clear: love is an action, not just a feeling. You can act love even if you don’t feel it. If you are going through a period of distance with your spouse, when you don’t feel close, telling them that you don’t love them will increase that distance, not decrease it.
Yes, your marriage may be in crisis, and it may mean that you need to share something so you can try to rebuild, but that’s the time to say, “I’m feeling so unhappy and so distant from you, like there’s a big chasm. I don’t want that. I think we need to do something. Can we talk about it?” And try my emotional reconnection course, too!
3. “I’m not attracted to you anymore”
Now that’s a surefire way to wreck someone’s confidence! And once you share it, it can never be taken back. It’s one thing to talk to your spouse about being concerned about their health and wanting to help them get a handle on it; it’s quite another to say, “you don’t turn me on.”
4. “I think X is hot”
I know a few couples who are super confident and who share everything, and who even keep each other up to date on who they think is hot at church, so their spouse can hold them accountable.
So perhaps some marriages can get away with this.
But in general, it’s not a good idea to tell your spouse you think someone else is attractive.
Here’s a story one Facebook commenter left:
Besides, talking about lust or finding someone else attractive just feeds those feelings. Keep your eyes on your spouse. If you notice someone else, instead of mentioning it, why don’t you take that moment to kiss your spouse and fill your mind with all the things you love about your spouse?
5. “Let me tell you details of my past sexual experiences”
If you have sexual baggage, it’s crucial that your spouse knows, because it’s going to affect your life now. So they need to know in general terms: are we talking 1 partner or 50? Was sex coerced or was it consensual? Did you enjoy it in general or was it awful in general? Those things are good to know.
However, you should never share so much that your spouse could picture it, play by play. We may think that baring our whole pasts is a good thing, but too many details can really torture a spouse today. And if they ask to know details, that’s the time to stop sharing. It doesn’t do anyone any good and can feed jealousy. If your spouse just can’t get past it, perhaps that’s the time to see a counsellor–or at least read this post on overcoming jealousy.
6. “I enjoyed sex with X a lot!”
If you had a really good time sexually with someone else before you were married, your spouse now does not have to know that. Even if the sex was better or more exciting, your spouse does not have to be burdened with that information. What will that solve?
If you’re feeling unhappy with your sex life now, then do something about it, rather than reminding yourself how great it used to be. Try the 31 Days to Great Sex!
7. “Your penis is too small”
I once had a woman write to me in agony because her husband’s anatomy was on the small side. Because she had had sexual partners before marriage who were better endowed, she knew what she was missing. She didn’t want to tell him (thankfully!), but she also didn’t know what to do. Here’s a post that can help you achieve more sensation during intercourse even if he’s not well endowed. And there is NEVER a reason to let your husband think that his body isn’t good enough for you! That’s something many men can’t recover fully from.
8. “That idea would never work”
One Facebook commenter said,
9. “I already knew that ages ago!”
The same commenter left this other gem:
10. “I’m tempted by X”
Here’s what one Facebook commenter said:
So there you go! 10 things not to share with a spouse.
One woman summed it up really well this way:
So what do you think? Are there some things you shouldn’t share with your spouse? Have I missed something? What would #11 be to you? Let’s talk in the comments!
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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Hi Sheila. In the rooms where I help men with sex addiction we have a principle we call the 9th step. It says We make amends to others except where to do so would injure them or others.(this includes self) Often I see guys dumping their crap on their wives. Going from being a left wing Liar to a right wing honest person. Most times they make things worse for themselves when they do this. I have seen guys wives also demand such honesty which is another end of the spectrum. The spouse does not even know she is hurting herself by collecting this information. Recently a guys wife was demanding to know her recently admitted husbands sexual addiction past details as well as current thoughts. She literally would ask him every 30mins what he was thinking. Out of fear he would answer truthfully. Then she would get mad at him. Thankfully I was taught this lesson early and I was able to limit the amount of garbage Grace heard.(boundaries) She knows enough about how I hurt her. She doesn’t need to be hurt anymore. I don’t need to hurt myself anymore either. Exactly what you say here… learn how to take every thought captive. I direct guys to dump their crap with me…which cuts the power of it in half…and then it goes know where. It is a long process. I now use your re-wiring theory with the guys I help. It is a good virtual visual tool. Today I am not in that place…and thankfully it is hard for me to recall sometimes how my thoughts used to overcome me. I shake my head sometimes when I get these calls. But…I was that guy….my story is the extreme of your point here I suppose. I have learned it seems it works the same for all regardless what your struggles are. We just have to apply the principles based on our own lives.
Prayer:
Thank you Jesus for giving me peace of mind and showing me the way to happy joyous and free. In my marriage and with God. Thank you for Grace 🙂
I know this post is more for women but thank you for that comment Phil because I’m in this situation where I wonder how much should I tell my wife. Over a month ago I confessed to my wife about my porn addiction. We have talked and cried about this and things are better between us but the struggle is there. I can say that things are better than they ever been. I know it’s a small victory that I have only relapsed once since i confessed but looking at it from the perspective that I couldn’t go without porn for more than 3-4 days it’s a victory. A small victory but a victory in the right direction. What I often wonder is how much should I tell my wife? I have an accountability partner. An elder at my church but I don’t feel so much confidence. I have confessed to him and can contact him when I get tempted but I don’t know I don’t feel it helps so much. I will off course continue to do it because I think it’s important but I sometimes feel that it kind of helps me refocus when I tell my wife. I have started to exercise and eat healthier which I find helps me to have more control over myself and I am trying to take walks when the temptation comes but yesterday it came a lot of thoughts in the evening and to deal with them I wrote to my wife to please pray for me because I was feeling tempted. I find it helped me and I fell asleep. She didn’t see it until the morning but just telling her helped me. In other hand I didn’t tell her about my relapse. I told my elder but i learned that I need a strategy so it doesn’t happen again and one of those strategies is to tell her when I feel tempted. But I’m afraid I may be hurting her by this. I’m not really sure what to do.
I’m sorry Sheila I understand this isn’t the place but Phil I will put one of my emails here. If you can contact me I would like to talk with someone who has had the same struggle as me. If it’s ok with you. You can contact me on [email protected]
Thank you Sheila for this safe place – I responded to our friend.
I love that your wife’s name is Grace! That’s a beautiful picture, too.
I totally agree. I think that we can alleviate our own guilt by “dumping” crap on our spouse, but that just transfers the pain. Better to actually deal with it and learn to take every thought captive!
I think most importantly both spouses should work towards not having any thoughts that they are ashamed to share with each other because I do believe marriages should be built on 100% honesty all the time. About everything.
The whole discussion of noticing other people besides your spouse and finding them attractive or “hot” is just disgusting to me. I believe with my whole heart that God can transform this way of looking at other people and rating them based on their outward appearance. I also believe that the more you truly love your spouse and grow close to them, and the more you love God and grow close to Him, the more everyone else around you begins to fade in that context. It’s not that other men and women stop existing or being the beautiful creations of God that we ALL are, but you don’t look at them in a sexually attractive context. The concept of rating others based on their appearance is not healthy in any context quite frankly.
I think most people are just too lazy to weed that way of viewing others out of their hearts and fully surrender it to God. Others don’t see anything wrong with it at all. But let me tell you, my husband is the only “hot” man on my radar and it’s not just because I have an appreciation for his body that makes me want to take up sculpting. It’s because I KNOW him and LOVE him. He makes me laugh, he takes care of me, and we have been through a heck of a lot together. That makes every other man look pretty ordinary.
Samantha, I like so much of what you say that I don’t even want to point out where I disagree. You make such good points. But I still want to say that I think, for most guys at least, not being sexually attracted to some other women just by sight is actually an impossibility. If I love my wife’s large breasts because they’re feminine (which they are) and large (which they are, unlike mine), then I can’ t help but be attracted to large breasts on other women.
I appreciate that, Thomas. I realize I have some pretty strong opinions and I can get pretty “passionate” as my husband lovingly calls it.
I do want to give you a piece of scripture though regarding breasts specifically since you brought it up. Proverbs 5:18-19 “18 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19 A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” The word to really focus on here is that her breasts should satisfy you. That means that her breasts alone should meet your needs. I think rather than focusing on the fact that you love your wife’s breasts because they are large and feminine (there is nothing wrong with you feeling that way about them), you should focus on loving them because they are hers. They are a part of the whole woman that you love. When you look it like that it really becomes less about the breasts as a feature that you appreciate regardless the woman, but a feature that you appreciate BECAUSE of the woman they belong to. Large breasts on other women will become less appealing because they don’t come with the rest of the full woman who you truly love and appreciate. Regardless their size, they will ultimately be just plain old breasts.
I realize that is a pretty radical way of thinking, but God is a pretty radical God. I love to think that every day that my husband (who has struggled with porn and lust in the past) and I focus on each other and blocking out the rest of the world and all of its false standards, the closer we get to looking at each other the way Adam and Eve did when they were the only two in the garden. I don’t know about you, but that kind of marital bliss, contentment, and loyalty is a pretty worthy cause to fight against sinful nature and go against the grain for.
This is really beautiful Samantha. Thank you for sharing this. I agree with all that has been shared about more connection to my wife less connection to others and or how they look ordinary…In my crooked way of thinking sometimes I will see a beautiful woman and I tell myself she probably has poor love language or can’t connect with God or is a terrible lover or has tons of baggage etc. Meaning that woman can’t connect with me – she is ordinary (I am not talking sexual). It is a weird tool(maybe even not so healthy I should look at) I use to tell myself Grace is the only one who can love me like she does. Who else would put up with my crap? That beautiful woman I see might have some features but she doesn’t have the PACKAGE! Grace tells me she loves me anyway. The whole me. Even my crap. I love her as well. Every feature. Gotta go against the grain…Go Radical! LOVE IT!
Samantha,
I hear you, and once again, you make great points.
What about initial physical attraction though? If you should only appreciate a woman’s physical features after she’s your wife or girlfriend, then why would a guy pursue a woman to begin with?
Well first of all, a guy should be pursuing a woman for a lot more than physical features. The same goes for a woman pursuing a man.
However, it is almost impossible not to let physical attraction play a role when you’re first getting to know a person to figure out whether they are dating and ultimately marriage material. At the same time it is incredibly shallow to only get to know people if they possess certain physical traits. Say a man works with 10 single women. If he only makes an attempt to get to know the one or two that meet his specific criteria of an attractive woman, then he may be missing the opportunity to meet the one woman who would actually be a great match for him for a lifetime. Sometimes I think there would be a lot more happy marriages if the whole world was blind. That way we’d all choose mates based on the substance that really matters. The substance that lasts far longer than youthful “good looks”.
Having said all of this though, I have been attracted to my husband since the 8th grade. I noticed things about his looks, demeanor, and personality that I really liked through all the years that I was getting to know him. Noticing and appreciating his looks wasn’t wrong, but if I had based his “worthiness of my attention” solely on his looks, then that would have been very wrong.
Oy vey. I was trying to keep that short… but to be fair and honest, I noticed, and had silly crushes on, a lot of guys before my husband and I got together. I appreciated looks and personalities. But the ultimate point here is that now I make a conscious effort and choice to not notice or appreciate any other man besides my husband. I chose him out of all the rest and as I said in the previous comment, because of my deep love and appreciation for all of the things that make him uniquely who he is, all the rest just seem the same.
Hope that helps, Thomas! I’m sorry, Sheila. I know I’m an incorrigible rambler…
Samantha, I still think it’s unfair and perhaps still impossible for a guy to not have a sort of sexual reaction to a woman other than his wife, but this thread is getting deep (no reply buttons anymore), so I was hoping to explain in an email. But Sheila doesn’t allow email addresses in comments.
Samantha, I agree with you. That’s where I think we need to start practising the spiritual discipline of “taking every thought captive”. You really can stop this! And the more I fill my mind both with God and with my husband, the less that anyone else even registers on my radar screen!
AMEN, SHEILA! A million times over!
I hear you and your thoughts are very admirable, and yes, we are to take our sinful thoughts captive, but studying and paying attention to the differences of men & women we are not just wired the same. Remember that a woman is much more emotion, feelings & think’s with their heart, on the other hand, although a guy wants to be loved & cared about he is more wired to react with his eyes first and less with feelings.
The term a woman is like a crock pot and a guy is like a microwave is what fits here. There are teachings & reasons why God designed us this way!
Thank you so much for this! I’ve said these things too (not as well as you did but…), and sometimes I get push-back for not promoting total honesty in marriage. But there are so many verses in the Bible about basically shutting up (“holding your tongue”) when nothing good will come of it.
And here’s my #11: Sharing a romantic or sexual dream you had about someone else. Yes, I know spouses who’ve done this, and how is your mate supposed to then behave when they next see that person? How do they get that image out of their head? And what if they start worrying that you really want that? Dreams are not something we can control, and sometimes our brains put together a bunch of disparate pieces and some weird result happens. You can have a romantic or sexual dream about someone and have absolutely no desire to do anything like that. If that happens, remind yourself it was a stupid dream and keep it to yourself.
Sheila,
Thank you for all that you do on here.
I would like to address, on a separate topic, that #7 is the reason men care about their wife’s past. I have seen this concern dismissed as “jealously” and “spiritual immaturity”, but I would like to hear from you and others about the legitimacy of this problem.
Thank you for your time and openness. You are doing a great service to everyone that reads this blog.
Great post. I do have a question that is somewhat related this. If an ADULT child tells you something and asks you not to tell ANYONE, should it still be kept from your spouse (the child’s other parent)? In this case, there is little to be gained from telling my spouse, except to reveal something about one of his family members that could cause dissention in the family. There is nothing that can be done to rectify anything. I just feel kind of bad withholding it, but I know it could cause trouble and I want my child to be able to trust me, as well. There is no way my child would tell my spouse, and would be upset with my doing so. But also, in general, should adult child / parent confidences be respected?
I would say that if a child (of any age) has asked you not to tell anyone, you need to respect that.
There are times when one of my kids tells me something, and I *ask* if it’s ok to tell their dad. Sometimes they say yes. Sometimes they say no. Often (but not always) when I explain that I want to talk to him about it so that we can both help them, the child is open to me sharing the information.
But if I know there is “no way my child would tell my spouse” then it would be a huge violation of trust for me to tell on their behalf.
Yeah, if you want your child to never tell you anything again, go ahead and tell your husband.
You’ve said it yourself. Nothing good can come of it, he can’t help, and it has potential to sow dissention.
I think people should focus more on seeing others as their brother/ sister in Christ first. There other relations (sister, child, spouse etc.) should maybe be subordinate to this. Can you think of a good, biblical, reason why would it be ok to violate your adult child’s trust, but not your best friend’s (for example)?
Like C. S. Lewis says in his Four Loves: Affection and domestic courtesy is a really delicate, sensitive thing. It’s very easy to presume too much on the relationship and to damage it.
YES. That is your ONLY good option, so stick to it. This wouldn’t even an issue if it was literally anyone else you care about asking this of you, so give your child the same courtesy and respect you would give to everyone else. I know I would be super mad if my own mom betrayed a confidence to the one person I told her specifically NOT to tell, and I imagine you would be as well. This is a “do unto others” situation here, so do what you know to do, and don’t what you know you shouldn’t do. Simple as that.
I may not be in the majority here, but my wife and I do not keep secrets from each other. When my kids, or even other adults, have asked me to keep something to myself, I make it clear that I do not keep things from my wife. If that isn’t acceptable to them, they have the choice to stay silent. I have not had anyone who took issue with this approach.
Agreed.
I agree with a lot of the other commenters, but I have something to add: is the burden of the confidence troubling you to the extent that it has become an actual problem in your own life? In that case, you probably need to give your husband a head’s up, but you don’t need to go into details. eg. “One of the kids has confided something to me, and I’m a bit concerned about it, but it’s nothing that you need to worry about and they specifically asked me not to tell you, so I just wanted to give you the explanation that that’s what’s going on and to say sorry if I seem a bit preoccupied lately.” Coz, chances are he’ll notice if you’re not your usual self and may put two and two together and make seventeen, y’know? You can tell the child that this is what you’ve done, or you can ask if you can do it (especially if you only have one child!), it’s up to you. If the burden of their confidence is causing an actual problem in your life also, then you would probably be wise to discuss the whole thing through with someone you trust, but just pick someone who doesn’t know the child (or is not as close), rather than their own parent. Again, up to you if you ask or tell them you’re doing this, depending on the circumstances. I don’t think having something that you can’t tell ANYONE is healthy, and I honestly think it’s unfair for someone to ask it of you. For example, at our prayer triplet, absolutely anything goes, if it’s bothering us, but it also goes no further. I think everyone needs a couple of people like that, and spouses & kids know that if and when issues arise from time to time, they may well be talked about there, but that doesn’t mean you’re spreading their secrets all over town, y’know?
There is a difference between honesty and with holding information. There is no place for dis-honesty, ever … period. No where I the bible, specifically our by inference, does the bible accept anything but 100% honesty.
Ultimately, there is a huge difference between “should we be truly 100% honest …” and “information that may be best withheld …”. We should be 100% honest, always. To do otherwise is not of God, nor does it promote integrgrity or Oneness. In that honestly, however, a reply to a question may be reserved, but the reservation should be done according to scripture, not selfishness of ones heart. Also, one may volunteer information in a reserved fashion, but again the reservation should be scriptually based, and not motivated out of selfishness or a desire to cover up truth or to stir up division and create chaos.
With all that, sometimes honesty has to come in the form of rebuking the questioner. For example; “tell me EVERY detail of a past sexual experience with a former lover!”… reply: “my dear spouse, you seem to be asking in order to bring a third party into OUR marriage bed. You know i have been with other people, and through that I have learned some of what feels good to my body, and you do all those things, but with a love that is pure, and i want discover more of that with you, the person i am One with …”
Dont lie. Reply in truth, and the truth is that sometimes the question or conversation is a seed for deceit and division planted by Satan, and that is the truth that needs to be spoken.
well said! Such a helpful and timely post! Thank-you.
Great post, Shelia.
What about if you had sexual partners in the past and your husband demand to know every tiny detail about the events? And he will scream and be unsatisfied with anything but the detailed description, or worse, begin fantasizing out-loud what he believes would have happened (which is way vamped up) and says that’s all he will think about unless you tell him the truth?
I realize this only leads to jealousy and more nights fighting but do I really stop talking and have him visualize worse in his mind? Advice is welcome.
What Brent suggested above is a great way to respond to such questions. Also it is not ok for him to scream at you about this (or anything else), while fantasising out loud is just over dramatic. If your husband knew about your sexual past when you got married, maybe remind him of that fact (firmly but respectfully). If he is a Christian, perhaps you could suggest doing a study of Philippians together (oh look at this verse about focussing on things that are good and pure…oh, here is one about taking our thoughts captive…in a nice RESPECTFUL way of course! Don’t throw bible verses at him in the middle of a shouting match, more let the Holy Spirit convict him as you study – you will probably find yourself convicted in some surprising and uncomfortable ways too!)
Remember, you are not responsible for his thoughts, and the way you have described him treating you here is not ok!
I enjoyed this Article a lot.
For me, I can identify with number one… I had this thought that “I would not have married my husbandif I was back then who I am now”.
I love adventure, different cultures, traveling and so on. My husband is a very stable business man – kind of person. Down to earth, perfectionist and everyone respects him becauseof whom he is.
I would have loved to have someone more extrovert, adventurous…
But hold on. Why I am today who I am? Well. Because of Him loving me ineverything. Because of Him treating me so well. Because of the stability and him being so steady.
So… if he has a very great part of whom I am today, is it not very selfish to say- or even nourish the thoughts – “that I would not have married my husband if I was back then, who I am now?” I think so.
So one of the reasons I opened my own home page was to do something against this feeling of needing adventure and missing the different cultures and traveling. To share my heart with people from different cultures, while being at home and taking well care of my family.
My husband is the one helping me look as great as it does.
God gives great ideas to those who search for HIS solutions in our reality.
What happened to my comment (the short one with my email for Samantha)?
Sorry, Thomas, I just don’t like having emails on the blog!
No problem, but can I suggest you add that to your policies paragraph, or at least email the offender, just so he knows what happened?
I would add a personal #11: Don’t tell your spouse if your ex (of nearly 4 years ago), who is married as well, messages you “Congrats! Happy for you.” one week before your wedding. And you’re not Facebook friends (haven’t been since the break up), and you have no mutual friends (anymore), and he sent the message at 2:30am, which could mean that he sent the message without his wife knowing, and also had to have actually searched for you online since you’re not friends. I asked my best friend what she thought, and she agreed wholeheartedly, there’s no earthly reason to bring it up. I never replied to the message and deleted it.
That sounds very wise!
Great share. Thank you for sharing. I now know better. Feel guilty sometimes when I refuse to share some truth due to the thought of the aftermath.