Why should we wait for marriage for sex?
Seriously, if you had to answer that question, what’s the first thing you’d say?
Many of us would reply, “Because God wants us to!” That’s what we were taught. But here’s the problem with using that as the main reason: It makes it seem like we only have one chance to get this right, and I think it’s one of the main reasons that so many women carry such shame about sex (even women who waited until they were married!). We make it seem like God doesn’t like sex, which isn’t true at all! And we make it seem like purity is an all or nothing thing.
Last night I recorded a podcast with the Sex Chat for Christian Wives gals, and it will be up soon. And one of the things we talked about was how to give kids the message that sex is meant for marriage WITHOUT adding heaps of shame. I think the way that you do that is by explaining the reasons WHY God wants us to wait for marriage.
So I’d like to do that today. Perhaps some of you could have better used this post five or ten years ago, but it’s an important one, so if you like it, please pass it on!
When I wrote the book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I conducted a “Wedding Night Survey”.
Among those who are very committed Christians, only about 30% waited until they were married to have sex. Of those who did not wait, though, a tremendous proportion volunteered on the survey that they wished they had. So many said, “Why didn’t we just wait the extra two weeks?” Many say they’ve been plagued with guilt since.
First, if you didn’t make it until your wedding, and you did have sex first, you need to let the guilt go. Jesus died for that, and to carry around the guilt only hurts you, your marriage, and your sex life. To carry around the guilt is to say that Jesus’ sacrifice wasn’t enough for you, and that’s just adding to the problem! So let it go. You are not impure, because our purity is not based on what we did with our bodies, but on what Jesus did with His.
But the real thing I want to talk about was this comment. One woman said,
“I grew up with everybody telling me why I should have sex. Nobody took the time–not my parents, not my teachers, not my friends–to give me a good reason not to. I should have waited, and I’m going to make sure my children know why.”
I thought that was rather sad, but also rather typical. So in this post, I want to give you the reasons why you should wait.
1. God does tell us to wait until marriage for sex.
Some people question if God really DOES tell us to, because no where in the Bible does it say, “don’t have sex with someone you’re not married to.” You’re right. The Bible does not use those words. But it does use the words “sexual immorality”, which is a more modern translation of the word “fornication”. And what does fornication mean? Having sex with someone you’re not married to. So the Bible DOES say it; it just uses older words to do so, and we sometimes forget what they mean.
Nevertheless, as I said, this isn’t the main one I want to stress. It isn’t like God is up there in heaven, thinking of ways to make our lives miserable, or at least a lot less fun. No, when He has a command, there’s a good reason for it. And let’s look at those reasons:
2. Having sex before you’re married can make your friendship less powerful.
Here’s a comment another woman made:
I wish we had waited until we were married, because our relationship became nothing but sex. We didn’t know how to do anything else.
And many couples, once they become sexually active, find that their relationship does now revolve around sex. Instead of finding other things to do, they stay in. Instead of socializing with other people, they jump in bed. And what happens? They lose their friendship. In fact, studies have shown that the level of emotional connection you’re at when you start having sex tends to be the level you stay at. Sex gives you an artificial feeling of intimacy. Then when you get married, you realize your relationship is shallow, and it’s harder to get it back on track. It’s better to build that emotional connection early!
3. A relationship can’t survive on sex alone.
You need other things to keep you going. One of the benefits of not having sex while you’re engaged is that you’re forced to find other things to occupy your time. You talk, and find out about each other. You find hobbies or sports you can do together. You go biking, or hiking, or you play golf. You volunteer together. You DO something.
Once you get married, you settle into a routine. You go to work. You come home. You have dinner. You watch TV. You go to bed. You have sex. The problem is that, for women especially, you’re not going to want to make love unless you’re also connecting on different levels. And sex should be the culmination of the relationship, not the basis of the relationship. Sex should flow out of your friendship, affection, and companionship; your companionship, affection and friendship can’t flow out of sex.
We need to feel connected first. But so does he. For sex to be meaningful, it has to be two people who truly love and want to be together. But how do you know if you want to be together if you don’t really know each other? You can have sex a ton and not really know each other, because you’re not doing anything else.
That’s why we have that period, in engagement, to get to know each other. And the habits we develop then will carry over. If you’ve been helping out at church together, you’ll keep doing that. If you’ve been hanging out with your siblings, or with your friends, then you now have friends you can spend time with together. If you’ve been biking, you know you like doing that together.
But if you’ve been doing very little of anything at all, what is going to hold you together once you’re married? You need to have a friendship; you need a reason for that connection. Sex can’t be that. And couples who have learned how to build their friendship beforehand do much better in the long run.
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4. Sex cements you together, when perhaps you should stay apart.
Another woman wrote, “I confused sex with love. I thought that since we were having sex, we were bonded and meant to be together. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have married him.” Sex gives you a false sense of intimacy. When we have sex, we release the “bonding hormone” oxytocin, which makes us feel close to the person we’re with. We start to experience those fluttery feelings, and the wistful longing for that person.
But it doesn’t mean it’s based on anything real. Many people have “fallen into” marriage because they’ve been having sex and it seems like the next logical step. But while the physical side of their relationship accelerated, the rest of it didn’t. And now their friendship is stunted and it doesn’t look like they can build it up again.
One more thing on this point: the more people that you are “cemented” together with before you’re married, the harder it will be for sex to cement you together later. Sex can cement you together; but if you have sex and then break up and have sex and then break up, you start teaching your heart not to bond. And that’s setting yourself up for problems in your marriage, because sex becomes something distinct from love. You may still love your husband, but you don’t do it through sex, because sex has become only physical. That’s sad.
And sex should be the culmination of the relationship, not the basis of the relationship.
5. Good sex before you’re married does not mean that you will have good sex afterwards.
Many people make love to see if they are “sexually compatible“. That’s pretty stupid, because any two people can be sexually compatible as long as they love each other. Love should be the basis for sex, not physical prowess in the bedroom. But sex after marriage tends to be different from sex before. Over and over again, my respondents said, “I can’t believe how sex changed. It used to be fun, but now it’s a chore.” Or, “he used to care for me; now he doesn’t.” Once the commitment is there, sex changes. And if you’ve been making love already, it often changes for the worse.
Sex used to be something forbidden, and that gave it excitement. Now that it’s not, it’s become hum drum. Or he used to care about you; now he doesn’t. That’s because you started having sex when you were courting, and he had to impress you. Now he doesn’t.
But isn’t that the way with any marriage? Not really. If you don’t have sex until you’re married, it’s new, and you learn together. He learns how to please you. It’s now part of your marriage. Have sex first, and it can easily become something that is treated in a more lacksadaisical way after you say your vows.
6. You don’t know how to make love.
Sex is supposed to be about connecting you together on all levels. When you have sex without the commitment, you take the bonding part out of the equation. And it’s very hard to get it back. So it means that sex, once you’re married, won’t be the powerful emotional force that it can be for others. It’s still focused primarily on the physical, and not on the rest. The emotional is not the primary consideration.
And so, dear friends, I urge you to wait for marriage for sex.
It helps clarify your choice for marriage, and helps you to marry your best friend. It gives you a tool once you’re married to cement you together. And, of course, waiting helps you obey God and not become pregnant when you don’t want to. And saves you from the worry of STDs. (But I didn’t even include those reasons because you all heard them in health class!)
Does all of this mean that if you did have sex before you were married that your marriage is doomed? No, of course not. It’s just that you have some obstacles in your marriage that need to be talked through. You have a few hurdles, and God can help you get over those hurdles.
But if you’re not married yet, my question would be this: why set yourself up for hurdles? Nobody said they regretted waiting in my survey; the majority of those who had sex before marriage said they did regret not waiting. Listen to those voices, and wait.
There’s a reason God did what He did, and it wasn’t to punish you or rob you of fun. It was to protect you.
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About to get married? Sheila’s book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex contains lots of info for your honeymoon–and help to get your marriage started the right way, even if you wish you could change your past.
Found this post helpful? You might also enjoy:
Now let’s talk in the comments: Do we explain WHY people should wait for marriage for sex in the right way? How should we better get the message across?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Great article! I love the focus on the reasons WHY God wants us to wait for marriage. I am also very fascinated by the way God designed our bodies right down to the chemicals released in our brain during certain experiences. When we experience orgasms during sex the brain releases oxytocin, the same chemical that it releases when we breastfeed that helps us bond with our baby. Isn’t that crazy?! God designed a way for us to bond with our whole family through his design! But what people don’t realize is that they are forming this bond with every person they experience sexual pleasure with before their spouse. And it does the same with the images of porn or other sexual images of people. And that can do SIGNIFICANT damage to a person’s ability to bond properly and exclusively with their spouse. The damage can be undone with intentional effort though. It is absolutely possible to rewire the brain. With God all things are possible!
It really can, Samantha. It’s like we rewire the arousal processes in our brain and we really do change them. It works so much better if we do it right from the start–but there is healing even if we don’t.
I waited til marriage and I have vaginisimus! To be honest I wish I hadn’t! Now I can’t overcome this it’s too big a problem
I waited and I had vaginismus, too! But to be honest–it’s not the waiting that’s the problem. You would have still had vaginismus before, and then you would have been scared to get married.
And you CAN overcome it. I did, it just took a while. I’ve written a lot on it, and I hope some can help. There’s a series here on vaginismus. Physiotherapists with pelvic floor specialties can be very helpful, too.
Hi Sheila. Was wondering if you had a typo or if you did this on purpose: It’s still focused primarily on the physical, and not on the rest. The emotional is not the primary consideration.
It made me stop and think but I think you mean physical is not the main consideration?
Anyway I like all 3. Physical emotional and spiritual
Have a great day
Hi Phil! Had to reread what you were referring to, and I think I just wasn’t clear. What I was trying to explain was that when you have sex before you’re married, then sex becomes focused primarily on the physical, and the emotional isn’t the primary consideration. So sex becomes mostly physical. Does that make sense?
Got it. Maybe I misread it. Thanks for the clarification.
Great reasons! And I totally agree that “don’t” isn’t enough.
I’ve thought about like sex being rose-colored glasses. Before you marry, you need those off so that you can really get to know who this person is and make sure you want to be with him for a lifetime. But after you get married, you’re going to irritate each other and donning those red-colored glasses make you see him in a better light. I’m not saying that sex is deceptive, but just softens us toward one another.
I like that analogy! I think I’ll use that.
This is really good. We need reasons for what we stand for other than “the Bible says so,” especially when talking to non-Christians. I think about this a lot because of my husband’s faith issues. And as you’ve pointed out, there are plenty of reasons to wait for marriage. It’s really a beautiful design.
I think too that we probably need to have the conversation with our kids about all the other forms of intimacy. No one really got into that with me when I was younger, because the focus was always on sex, sex, sex. I was not prepared when other intimate things started to happen. And I fooled myself into thinking that it was ok because I hadn’t crossed that “sex line.” When really, probably just as much damage was done emotionally and spiritually. This was no one’s fault but my own, but I plan on talking to my kids about this, and hopefully preparing them for how to think about all of those other things that might not be intercourse, but are cementing nonetheless. Hope that makes sense.
Yes! I know I didn’t get warned about those things because they aren’t sin, but I have so many scars. It’s like I withheald my body, but gave my soul to my first love. And it still affects me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be completely free from the consequences.
Great point, Amanda! I think we too often figure that as long as we’re not having sex, we’re okay.
I was raised in a church that taught that premarital sex was sinful. My church didn’t beat us over the head with it, but they didn’t shy away from it either and left the choice up to us. Of course, that didn’t deter my sister or some of our friends. Fortunately for me, I was always a romantic who would imagine the perfect wedding night. I’d built this up to fairy-tale like proportions. Also fortunately for me, my wedding night lived up to all the hype. It was one of the best (if not the best) nights of my life.
As the mom of three daughters. I wanted them to each have the experience that I had so we talked a lot about sex over the years. I didn’t want to come across as too harsh or legalistic, however, I’d tell them that an all-wise God wanted them to wait until marriage because he created them and he created sex and he didn’t want them emotionally or hormonally bonded to someone they weren’t meant to be bonded with. We’d also discuss how broken soul ties can hurt and waiting until marriage would prepare them for the faithfulness required in marriage.
Having said all that, two of my daughters chose not to wait. Although disappointed, I loved them through it. My youngest is a college freshman and is already being influenced by those around her. Apparently, she’s the only virgin in her hall (how sad) and now feels that she may not wait either. I’m hopeful, however. She’s a romantic just like her mom and wants to wait, not just for anyone, but for THE ONE.
I definitely feel that some churches have been too heavy handed in their approach to purity, virginity, and modesty (True Love Waits, for example). To be honest, I find more than some of it a bit strange. Their “results” aren’t ideal either from what I’ve read.
No doubt about it, the “birds and bees” talk can be tough for a parent. Things may not turn out the way we plan and there still may be pain for our children if they chose unwisely. No easy answers here.
Oh, Elena, thanks for sharing your story! I can totally understand your disappointment for your daughters (as opposed to disappointment in your daughters). It is sad when we see them choose a path that we know isn’t the best.
And I think it’s a very, very hard line to figure out how to teach a grace-filled message about sex while still explaining why God wants us to wait. It is hard. All we can do is our best, but it’s hard.
Oops, I meant to say *choose unwisely.
My husband and I did everything except actual intercourse before we got married. Yes, I knew it was going too far, but when I asked ‘elders’ “how far is too far?” I got vague and unimpressive answers and the only clear cut thing I knew was no intercourse. To back up, I met my husband when I was 12. We were really good friends through high school and only started dating in university. We were committed to the relationship when we started dating, because we didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship. So we had the great friendship basis, before the physical intimacy. We still did stuff with friends. We lived in separate towns so we weren’t “jumping into bed” all the time. As soon as I graduated university, we got married (we had considered it before, but due to a few factors, this wasn’t really an option). My point is… I would like to tell my kids something different than what I was told. But if they find themselves in the same position as me- marrying my best friend, 15 years and going strong 🙂 – these points are a little irrelevant, other than the first. Caveats: I know you can’t predict the future and your intended might die, and so you won’t be able to marry them, but that’s probably less likely than getting pregnant 😉 I know my relationship with my husband isn’t the way MOST people meet and get married. But I’m wondering how you would advise someone who has the strong foundation and can’t get married before a certain time?
So, would you change your opinion on whether premarital sex was okay if the reasons other than “God said not to” turned out not to be true (or were true for some people but not others, and you needed to discern whether it applied in your case)? Because in my experience, almost everyone would say “no” to that question. In that case it seems superfluous to give these other reasons.
It definitely is important to maintain that the real reason we ought not to have sex before marriage is because God has commanded that we not commit adultery. We can certainly be thankful that he has graciously designed sex to be the best in the way of obedience to him, in the commitment and faithfulness of marriage.
When we say that “God said it should be this way” is not enough, we should be saying that it’s not often a convincing enough argument for our sinful hearts and not that God is obligated to give us other reasons. But as Sheila has written, he does give us reasons and incentives, and forgives those who have broken his command and repent.
I hope that makes sense the way I wrote it 🙂
God’s Word is true ALL THE TIME for EVERYONE, period. To not accept that is to say you know better than God and are looking for an excuse to sin, period.
Now with that said, even outside Scripture, pre-marital sex is not healthy. It’s not healthy physically because you could end up with an STD. It’s not healthy emotionally as you are looking for love and man often is looking for sex/pleasure leaving the girl feel empty. And like the article says, your relationship becomes all about lust/sex and less about building a relationship on outside interests.
I’m one of those 30% who waited as is my wife. It’s because I have a whole Christian worldview and that includes thinking about sex beyond “I want to have it and I’m sure it’s totally awesome!” It’s definitely worth waiting for. Also, my wife and I, as I have said before here, both have Aspergers. That gives us an interesting marriage, but for me at least, the sex is a very important part as my wife is the one person in this world I feel comfortable and safe with like that and her acceptance and wanting of me sexually is something that motivates me to be a better man.
I compare sex to nuclear energy. It has a wonderful and awesome power if you use it properly within marriage. The results are incredible. If you use it outside of marriage which is how it’s not meant to be used, you get Chernobyl.
“Among those who are very committed Christians, only about 30% waited until they were married to have sex.”
I would question the “very committed Christians” part if 70% had sex before marriage, that is if the sex happened after they got saved. If the sex happened before they got saved, then yeah, that’s possible.
Some certainly did have sex with others but then not their husband–as in they became Christians later. But even among people who declare themselves committed Christians, and who honestly go to church and read Scripture, many do have sex.
Well, here is the thing then: “declare themselves”
It’s basically self-reported.
Now, I understand that committed Christians can fall into sin, and that includes sexual sins. But that number is very high. Also, perhaps not included in the survey (is this a survey?), is how these “committed Christians” view their sexual-indiscretion. I can understand people falling into sexual sin through heat of the moment, and later recognize what a great mistake they did and how they failed God’s Word (this is not to say they can’t move on or be growing and healthy in the Lord afterwards). It is quite another thing to think nothing of it or even to “approve” of it.
I submit that one cannot be a committed Christian if one thinks sexual sin outside of marriage (including before marriage) is OK, no matter how one reports oneself.
I kinda agree, my ‘Christian Living’ teacher goes to Church regularly, is married with kids, but she has been teaching us that it’s OK to have sex before marriage. I completely disagree, as it says so many times in the Bible that it is wrong, and I have this excitement about marriage that none of my friends do.
I know my teacher means well, but the Bible states so many times it’s a sin. I don’t get how it’s any different from adultery. It’s totally a sin.
I know everyone sins, and sexual sin is no worse than lying or harbouring jealousy. But I feel like teaching kids false doctrine is not right.
😊 Sorry, I know I’m young and don’t know much, but I guess I just needed a place to say all this.
God gave us this beautiful gift, and to me it’s so precious it should only be shared with one person. But, can’t go wrong with 1 John 1:9 😁
Hormones are very pesky things at times… 😉
True. But, the believer is called to be above that.
Much of this has to do with how society is so much against Christian values, so young people are up against it in this world, bombarded by the message of the world.
It doesn’t help that so few churches are willing to preach against worldliness, to be different from the world, to have standards.
How many churches teaches about the danger of the world’s music. Rock and roll preaches sex and rebellion. The danger of the world’s movies? Where sex before marriage is taken for granted, and even glorified. The danger of dressing like the world, and so on. In many Christian circles, bringing these issues up will elicit cries of legalism, but how surprised should we be, if young people to enjoy the world’s movies, music, etc., and absorb the philosophies contained therein, and we allow them to be like the world in these things, and then they suddenly they don’t listen to us when we say that actually God wants you to wait for marriage, let’s be different from the world on this point.
You bring up a lot of good points. Today’s youth are bombarded and enticed with music and movies that glorify premarital sex and attending public schools that give out free condoms and encourage that lifestyle. It’s hard to resist with all that and your hormones going nuts when you find someone of the opposite sex you are attracted to. And it doesn’t help that parents and churches/youth groups don’t talk about how to avoid temptations and what having sex before marriage does to the person.
Excellent article Sheila. I love this point “Many people make love to see if they are “sexually compatible“. That’s pretty stupid, because any two people can be sexually compatible as long as they love each other. ”
I agree, God will not deny a married couple a satisfying physical relationship if they submit to choosing His will above the desires of the flesh. Unfortunately this excuse slips from our lips too easily.
Sex is a tough thing to resist and that is why we must flee from temptation. I think a lot of couples are genuinely surprised by how easily they fall into this trap. You think you’re strong enough to resist it but things heat up very quickly and before you know it you’ve gone too far. Thank God for his mercy and grace. And thank God for women like you who are trying to help give people a better chance of making wise decisions before hand because they know it’s in their best interest. Like you said, no one says they regretted waiting. Funny how rarely we hear that.
What I don’t seem to understand these days is seeing a man who apparently waited till marriage to have sex starting to misbehave shamelessly by exploring infidelity after the marriage. I just can’t seem to understand it. I mean you waited all these years, then suddenly you can’t seem to have self-control again. I guess there’s just a whole bunch of deceitful souls out there.
Forgive me if I’m venting but just getting tired of all the mess I’m witnessing around me.
I guess it boils down to people not have enough respect for themselves and their name or integrity.
I really wish there was an article on how to spot a man that will not respect himself in the future.
I agree with all your arguments in favour of waiting until after marriage to have sex. Problem is that nowadays almost nobody – even in Christian circles – believes this to be of any use and almost all have sex and guess what, they also get married, even if not to the first person they had sex with.
My chagrin is that even if I have kept my purity till 37 that I am now, my chances of getting married are close to zero. Why? Because I don’t want to have sex before marriage.
What really disappoints me deeply is that God himself thinks sex before marriage is not a sin given that most of those who sex do get married and are happy; God gives them children, health, social and professional status. I don’t compare myself to others at all, I just look around and see that, in the end, I am the loser.
What is more, someone told me that at my age I should only expect a divorced guy, or if he has never been married, he is definitely a philanderer, practising masturbation or consuming pornography because no man around my age can last without sex unless he is a saint or Jesus himself.
Truth be told, I feel cheated by God. Everything He said about purity is a lie, I was just idiot enough to believe it and take it seriously.
Any advice on this?
First off, don’t ever lose hope that you won’t get married. I had an elderly Christian neighbor who didn’t get married until she was 73 years old. That to me was a testimony that it’s never too late for anyone. And yes, she was a virgin and proud of that fact! Secondly, just because you think people are happy does not mean they are or that God okay’d their sin. Sex outside of marriage, including pre-marital, is still sin.
Amy, I get your point and thank you very much for the encouragement. Nevertheless, for me, getting married at an advanced age seems pointless since I won’t be able to have children, see them grow, become healthy adults, enjoy my grandchildren. And this is extremely sad from my point of view. Marriage is best when you are young, let’s not fool ourselves. And if we consider the sexual aspect, there are a ton of other issues that we cannot deal with because, like it or not, we do grow old biologically and this becomes an impediment.
I, who took care of myself and did not concede to sin have to deal with singleness and sometimes struggle with its nasty brats, while those who did not refuse anything to themselves in life, had no rules and couldn’t care less about God, thrive and judge me. And yes, they are happy. The problems they have are the average ones. I don’t see them mourning over anything. And God is silent. And this hurts even more. Because of His silence, people grow and do wrongful things, since scolding or punishment from Him never comes for them in this life and maybe neither in the afterlife, since God is absolute good and absolute forgiving. Thus, people like me cannot but wait indefinitely, and since in Heaven marriage does not exist, I will be forever deprived of the joy of loving and being loved by a man, have children, experience healthy married life.
I may be wrong now but from what I see around, God is not interested in that people get married; if for some it happens, that’s it, if for others it doesn’t, fine again. But, He wired us to be one in flesh, soul and spirit; and no matter how you look at it, you cannot abdicate from or rewrite what God put in you. Now this I find sadistic.
Hi C!
Sorry you haven’t had any replies so far.
Just want to say, sorry to see that you’re in so much obvious pain. Praying for you <3
Hello!
It’s all right. I didn’t write here to beg for sympathy. I wrote because very many things Sheila talks about on the blog are true, although sometimes she is too delicate when she should not sugar the situation for fear of hurting peoples’ feelings! People should get the fact that what they do affects others’ lives! Period!
I probably sound mean or inconsiderate but girls who did not sleep around, did not rush into marriage, took care of themselves, honoured the education they received and are still waiting for God to make them happy by rewarding them with a good husband, couldn’t care less about how sorry those who had a disorganized sexual life are! Their regret is no comfort at all!
Where should God choose from when very many people are hurt in body and soul by their promiscuity outside of marriage, by vices they cannot escape because these are too strong and deep for them to fight? Where from??? Vice chains a person into slavery and since only free people can love authentically, this is the cause of so many heartbreaking issues people encounter in their marriage. And if I think about it, it serves them right: they suffer the consequences of their actions. But the ones who are innocent and suffer from what others did, when the healthy marriage pool has dried out and there is no hope for them but to grin and bear it, settle for a reconditioned spouse (with skeletons or some bones in the cupboard) or face the remaining of their life alone, what should they do?
Whenever I say these things to people, especially married, and married with baggage, they keep silent, eyes in the ground, probably “wish” me something in their thought and that’s it, they go on their merry little way. It makes me puke, honestly!
Hey, C–
I’m so sorry for your pain. I can imagine how difficult that must be for you.
But I do want to say something.
You said this: “girls who did not sleep around, did not rush into marriage, took care of themselves, honoured the education they received and are still waiting for God to make them happy by rewarding them with a good husband, couldn’t care less about how sorry those who had a disorganized sexual life are! Their regret is no comfort at all!”
And I have to say, and I’m sorry if this is harsh, but you sound an awful lot like the prodigal son’s brother. He said, ‘Why are you throwing my brother a feast? he did nothing to deserve it!’ But that was never the point of the celebration in the first place. God isn’t a vending machine–we can’t get what we want by manipulating His system. Living for Christ is all about fostering a heart that serves him before all–even if you never get what you most desperately want. Jesus needs to be all.
Here’s the bottom line: Jesus wasn’t lying when he says, “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” He really wasn’t. And you either believe that Jesus saves and redeems completely, which means that sexual sin is included in that, or you don’t. My husband isn’t a reconditioned man with skeletons in his closet–he is a cleansed, purified, and sanctified son of the living God, and an amazing man. Our past sin only has power if we give it power–God has already conquered it all and redeemed us. It’s up to us to trust in that redemption and no longer drag up past regrets.
I really do wish you all the best and hope that you can find some encouragement soon!
Take care
Rebecca
Rebecca, thank you for the reply.
My point was more linked to the reality of the situation. Those who were sexually permissive before marriage really made this world an uglier place and it is still them that eventually get married. This is, after all, a logical consequence: birds of a feather flock together, don’t they? Since more and more people, even in Christian circles, are sexually active before marriage, of course they become the dominant race. The minority has but these options: settle for leftovers or live a lonely marriageless life. And this, because they were fool enough to trust God and really believed that God can do the impossible.
What do you think are the chances of someone who had premarital sex more than once really value, be authentically married and faithful to someone who forged their self-control in temptation and did not fall? Almost none. Yes, Jesus does redeem people but they have to do their bit also, read as “work”. And today there are very few who want to work with themselves under God’s supervision because it is the hardest thing to do, causes one pain and they don’t like pain. Are clean people superior to the libertines? YES, they are and if the libertines feel offended by this, tough luck.
Marriage is a gift from God. Nowadays it seems that the more you are a “free thinker”, the more you deserve it.
Regarding the prodigal son’s brother: life beside God is not all rosy. There are rules and God knows it. Very many times it is hard to bear. Many married people believe that if you try to live a bit closer to God you don’t need anything else, God is EVERYTHING, therefore a spouse is redundant. So wrong!
Single people are not made of stone, they do suffer and biology goes for them also, especially when you are a woman.
Thank you for reading me and for your kind wishes!
My main issue is the “us vs. them” situation you’re setting up. God’s made it very clear that everyone has sinned–everyone. And just because someone has had sex in the past doesn’t mean that they are a “leftover.” In fact, I think that seeing anyone as a leftover or as inferior to others is not at all a biblical mindset–I’d go so far as to say it is anti-Biblical.
Like I said before, it comes down to faith: either you believe in God’s redeeming power, or you don’t. And if you believe in God’s redeeming power, you really can’t see someone as a “leftover.” That’s incredibly offensive to both that person, and to God. And if you believe in God’s power, then it isn’t hard to believe that someone who has been promiscuous in the past can be a loving and supportive and faithful spouse. Because yes, it’s difficult to move past bad habits you’ve formed. But if you believe in God, you’re not doing it on your own strength. And everything is possible through Christ. Our God is a God of redemption, so I find it quite easy to believe that He can turn lives around, actually.
I agree that single people are not made of stone. But neither are married people. And calling people words like “leftovers” or saying that some people are inferior to others is completely inappropriate and unbiblical. Both married people and single people need to take a step back and look from the others’ perspective.
I know this is a year later. But, I wanted to add my two cents to the poster with unhappiness. I get it, I feel that abstinence education needs to be revamped. Yes, it’s a good thing to be abstinent. But some practical knowledge alongside the biblical part could really help those who are trying to wait. I feel like a lot of the allure of waiting to marriage for some is the notion of the reward of a great spouse and loving relationship in the end. But…
You cant abstain from worldly things and then expect worldly rewards such as a rich, hot or socially savvy husband. Most guys with those traits are NOT looking for virgins. Heck, most guys period, aren’t looking for virgins not even the ones abstaining themselves. And, if they are looking for virgins, she will be a barbie doll looking woman or an 18-year-old Ms. World/Universe type.
Marriage as we think of it is defined by law in this country and is subject to societal norms. Women who are more sexually expressive will always have more suitors and a greater chance of getting married at a younger age. Factor in women who don’t mind significantly older husbands, men with past children or having children before marriage themselves and you will see over half of the married women.
None of these things make someone a less worthy choice. But, it is ironic given what abstaining individuals are told. That is why I feel waiting till marriage people should be taught that number one, it’s important to actually get into a romantic relationship and then number two, how to go about finding and sustaining one. The waiting part is only significant once an actual relationship is formed. That is where many falter.
A large amount of people who are still waiting in the later years are people who were never in that many romantic relationships in the first place. They weren’t rejected, they were never in the running.
I actually think you make such a good point, Raquel.
Although I don’t actually think that all guys just want to have sex. and that there aren’t guys out there who are trying to follow God’s plan. But those good guys often go for women who are a bit more flirty or expressive because they are the ones who are giving out any vibes that they are interested! For Pete’s sake, I hit on my now-husband pretty blatantly until he asked me out. But I have a lot of friends who refused to flirt ever because they were so scared of looking like one of “those girls.” There’s nothing wrong with flirting; it’s quite effective.
The problem is that the way we preach abstinence to teenagers often makes girls feel like it’s not just that they shouldn’t have sex, they shouldn’t even be a sexual being. And they often unconsciously give off “no touchy” vibes that make them quite unapproachable. Whereas girls who are waiting to have sex but are still flirty, who do their makeup to look nice, who go out for coffee dates, and who make a real effort to have friends of the opposite sex because they’re actively LOOKING and making it clear that they’re pursuing relationships get asked out first. It’s not because they’d be willing to have sex–it’s because they’re not giving the “go away I don’t want to be with you” vibes that a lot of girls unconsciously give off because they’ve been so programmed that anything that may lead to sex one day is wrong.
I like your point that we need to teach people that getting into a romantic relationship is important. Because I have seen that pattern you are describing so many times.
It’s not my intention to have a fruitless polemic with anyone, especially in their home, in this case this blog. I’m sorry if I’ve touched a soft spot, but by extrapolating what Sheila very well put in one of her videos, the first ones who’ve made the marriage pool harder for everybody are the libertines, therefore they reap what they’ve sown.
Yes, God loves both the sinner and the faithful BUT never mistakes one for the other. God is the first who sees the differences between them, so my words are not offensive to Him. The Bible also speaks about times when people are sieved. We are all sinners, but some less than others.
Married people with past baggage cannot walk in long-time single people’s shoes because they stole prematurely what God would have given them anyway in their marriage when the time came. Thus, those who offended God and distrusted Him are these people, not the ones who are still waiting for His mercy.
I’ll stop here.
Hi C,
Been a few months since you wrote and have just read this article. Hope it reaches you and hope you are still staying strong. I’m a single 33 year old, never had sex, kissed a guy once and it was a mere peck on the lips. Have been battling through my raging hormones and desire for intimacy for a while. It is really, really difficult, especially when you’re all alone and there is no one around. When a guy you know who doesn’t share your values about purity is just a message or call away…
I think i’ve found that treating my ungodly sexual desires like any other sin helps. We live in a world where there is injustice, where people live for themselves rather than Truth and don’t seem to suffer any for it. The Psalmist was right when he lamented that the wicked seem to have it all going well for them in general. We choose as Christians to fear God and apply His teachings to our lives, things like upholding integrity at work. Paying or taxes. Not lying. Forgiving those who have hurt us. Serving others when the world says take care of yourself first… is avoiding sexual sin for God’s best any different? The bigger picture isn’t our personal happiness at the end of the day, it’s our choice to live our lives reflecting the beauty of a life lived in consecration to God. To know the fear of the Lord that brings wisdom and life. For ourselves and for others.
I would agree that it feels like people who are married can’t understand our depth of frustration and pain. All we have left is each other and the people who have gone before us (like that 73 year old lady, bless her!!) to light up our way in what can seem like darkness and despair. Please married people, don’t say things like “God will will definitely provide someone at the right time” – God does not promise us another person to be our companion! In fact i’ve found it more helpful to cling on to what Jesus says in Matthew 19 – that some have been made eunuchs for whatever reason. It was hard but i remember consciously making the choice to love God first and remain a spinster if that was what He wanted for my life.
It helps me to remind myself why i’ve made the choice to obey God. Things like, that whether or not there is a man out there for me, Jesus is enough (He really is). That in this world, I am part of the chosen people, a royal priesthood, a people belonging to God… that God’s grace has enabled me to come out from the world and be separate. That my prayer has been for my desire for intimacy to be turned outward to loving others more fully while I’ve not got a family to devote all my attention to.
So in the end, it is about my own personal relationship with God the Father, Son & Holy Spirit. I don’t think it has helped me to look around at what everyone else is or isn’t doing, it causes me to be bitter and lose my way. So am doing my best to look at the narrow path the Lord and i have chosen in front of me, not looking to the right or left. Some days are harder than others and some days i do mess up but i keep praying that God will protect me and help me to see more and more clearly each day that His ways are good and i can trust Him for my life.
When i’m all alone and feeling sorry for myself or feeling miserable, sometimes i’ve been able to message another single friend – we mutually encourage one another and that is a big help. Other times i’ve been able to turn to the Lord and experience a wonderful time of prayer. And other times i’ve not done the right thing and felt worse for it after… There is grace but there are also consequences and i don’t want them so hopefully these will be fewer and far between.
Just to share my own experience.
Blessings to you and everyone who is on the same path as us. God is good and gracious and kind and loving. <3
Hi C and M,
Thank you for sharing your stories and being honest about your feeling.
I’d encourage you to read a book “How To Get A Date Worth Keeping” by Henry Cloud. He is a Christian and doesn’t preach a “worldly” approach to sexuality. He does however points out that we should do our work also in trying to find our future spouse and not just wait for them to be send directly from Heaven.
Please read it, it has changed me a lot.
Also maybe I should mention that I’m a 30-year-old guy for whom waiting with sex for marriage is important. Not only women straggle with finding a right partner.
All the best!
All the things you mentioned are beautiful benefits of keeping sex off limits until marriage! I can see examples in my relationships and those of my friends where these exact issues have come up (both in wonderful and hurtful ways). My main reason why I have made that choice as a single woman is a little different because I have been single for quite awhile, but I think all the reasons are important. As a 28 year old virgin who hopes to be married one day (and I think I’ve finally found him this year!), I actually don’t consider myself to be “waiting for marriage.” In my years of singleness I had to face the idea that maybe I wouldn’t ever get married, so my reasons had to be stronger than saving sex for a future husband. That can lead to some problematic ideas about virginity, what I deserve, giving up if there’s no man in the picture, etc. I came to the conclusion that not having sex outside of marriage is a choice of faithfulness as I follow Jesus, and one of the many ways I need to take up my cross to follow him and love others. The best part is that I’m not in this alone – he will help me! Choosing faithfulness applies just as much in marriage as out of it. And it’s never too late to take that step, no matter your past. In my view, forgoing sex out of marriage (and having it lots within marriage!) is an important way to honour each other and is a visible sign in the world that Jesus is worth more than anything, even my deepest hopes and desires. He is faithful no matter what.
I like it when you get into the WHY of things. More people ought to do that rather than giving a pat answer. Also, how are people supposed to grow when they are not allowed to ask questions? It’s not with the intent of questioning God rather it’s to do just that ask questions to learn, to gain understanding, to get rid of the confusion and people have been taught a lot of confusing things that are not found in scripture!
While I agree completely with you point of view regarding the wisdom of waiting until marriage, some of your specific points are just plain wrong. For instance, you say it’s “stupid” for a couple to have sex before marriage to see if they are sexually compatible because “any two people can be sexually compatible as long as they love each other.”
LOL! Not so, as many, many couples will attest! While I agree that checking for compatibility is not a good reason to have sex before marriage, leading young couples down the primrose path of false promises (even unintentionally) is not helpful. Even couples in committed Christian marriages who did everything the right way leading up to their marriage can find that their libidos and/or “spirit of adventure” in the bedroom are very, very different. You are correct, however, that having sex before marriage will not necessarily answer questions about compatibility since things can and do change after marriage and as time goes by.
Another point: You seem to somewhat underplay the power of sexual bonding. It is certainly true that friendship, mutual respect, etc. are vital, and that sex cannot be the sole basis of a relationship. But it is also true that the modern, Western romantic ideal simply did not exist in most times and places around the world. Yet generations of couples who barely knew each other at the time they were married — due to arranged marriages, very constrained courtship rituals, etc. — made stable, loving, lasting marriages with sexual bonding forming the foundation of their early relationship. It is indeed a powerful, God-given force!
I consider my decision to wait for marriage to be the biggest mistake of my life. I did as I was taught and followed the rules and got nothing for it. I’m in a nearly celibate marriage. She has never been interested in me physically but I didn’t figure this out until too late. She only ever shows sexual interest in me out of guilt and she’s told me as much (on our honeymoon no less). It’s soul crushing.
I’m glad you mentioned the “capability” issue. I think a couple’s sexual compatibility may still need to be discussed, especially if one of them knows they have a hang-up about it (like I cannot tolerate having my neck touched, so him kissing my neck would kill the mood immediately and not be recoverable for the rest of that night) or one of them has a major turn-on that the other doesn’t consider to be that big of a deal, but must be avoided until marriage (he already warned me that he’d “go crazy” if he touched my boobs and butt–I wouldn’t have considered him touching my butt to be a big deal, but obviously it is for him. So uh no heavy petting in the near future for us…)
For context, we are committed to saving sex for marriage. He is 40 and had been in two sexual relationships prior; I’m 29 and a virgin.