Should you marry your baby’s father?
That’s a question that, a century ago, wouldn’t even have been a question. If you’re pregnant, of course you should get married! But today it’s possible for a woman to raise a child on her own and not starve. So this is a practical question that many pregnant women face. Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today’s is really tough. A reader writes:
Reader Question
I have been dating a guy for 4 years and we are expecting our second child in a month. We have been through a lot given that our first child was unexpected, but he has always provided for us and been faithful to me and our family. I was desperate for a second child and did not want my son to grow up an only child as I was, however we are still not married. Being a Christian, I see the flaws in my thinking having another child out of wedlock. We live together and our relationship resembles a marriage, however, we are still not married. We have talked about it and even ring shopped, so I am basically waiting on him to make a move. The only problem is that he does not follow Christ and has no relationship with Him whatsoever. He does not deny that there is a God and will accompany me to church on occasion. I am just so on the fence about seeking marriage with an unbeliever, yet, I feel like I am way past committed to this man and want to remain with him. Is this wrong from a Biblical standpoint? Would God consider this to be a marriage already even though we have not gone before Him and taken vows?
Great question! And before I answer it, I just want to point out one thing. She said, “Being a Christian, I see the flaws in my thinking having another child out of wedlock.” It is not a sin to have a child. Ever. That child should never be seen as lesser in any way. That child is a new creation, and is blessed and is in the image of God. The sin was in sex outside of marriage, not in getting pregnant. And it seemed like the couple was having sex anyway. I just think that’s important to clarify, because we shame a lot of kids who shouldn’t have shame. The child is not the sin.
That being said, let me throw out some things to consider.
To say you won’t marry someone, but you will live with them, really makes no sense
I want to talk about the broader question of whether or not you should marry the father of your baby in a minute, but I do want to look at something specific here.
What she’s saying is this:
I’m a Christian, and he is not. The Bible says that we’re not supposed to marry unbelievers, because that is a sin. So I likely shouldn’t marry him. So instead I’ll keep living with him and having sex with him and having his children…but we won’t be married?
This seems a little backwards to me. If you’re already living with him, then you’re not living as a Christian anyway. The question is, given our circumstances, how can I get right with Christ? And the answer would be to marry him. Continuing to live with him without being married isn’t going to get you right with Christ, but the Bible is clear that marriage between a believer and a non-believer is still a valid marriage. It’s not necessarily a wise one, but it is a valid marriage. Given that you have two children with him, personally, if that’s your only issue, I’d marry him in a heartbeat.
(And I’d also change your thinking on this one, because you seem to be thinking, “I’m better than him because I’m a Christian and I can’t marry him because he’s not”, but to be totally blunt, in this situation he’s acting more in line with his values. He’s sticking by you and your children; you’re the one not acting according to your values, because you’re living with him out of wedlock. So love him and accept him; that’s far more likely to win him to Christ than to act like you’re holier than he is.)
But what if his faith isn’t the only issue? Then how do you decide? Let’s look at some big picture issues.
It is valid to consider the children’s well-being when you decide whether or not to marry the man who got you pregnant
Social science research shows us that children fare far better in households with two married, biological parents. And a child is twenty-five times more likely to be sexually abused living in a household with a step-father than with a biological father, and even more likely to be abused living in a household where mom is dating. Any time you introduce adult males into the household who aren’t related to the child, there is a risk for that child.
But it’s not just that. When children grow up with stability, they fare better. The marriage status of the parents actually matters more than education or income when it comes to how well the children fare. Marriage seriously matters, so, since you’ve already conceived a child, that does merit some consideration.
Your child didn’t ask to be here. You did things backwards, and now it’s time to ask whether you can repair the situation and make this a good one for your baby.
Why Sex Should Be Saved for Marriage:
That being said, sometimes marriage to the baby’s father isn’t in the best interests of anyone
I have had other questions from readers who started dating a guy, ended up pregnant, and drifted into living with him because of the baby. But he just wasn’t a good guy. But because they were living together, she ended up pregnant again. And life is just difficult.
It’s admirable to want to give your child a father. But I think it’s even more important at this emotional stage when you realize that you’re pregnant that you take a big step back and ask yourself, what is the wise thing to do here? The wise thing is not always to marry the child’s father.
If a man isn’t a good guy, then you may end up marrying him only to divorce him a few years down the road. And then things are even messier. You need to ask these questions:
- Does he believe in working hard? Will he contribute financially to this family and strive to work hard and be responsible?
- Does he believe in faithfulness? Has he shown that he can be committed to just me, and that I won’t have to worry about him chasing after other women?
- Is he free of addictions, especially the addiction to pornography, which will ruin a marriage if not dealt with?
- Does he encourage me to speak my mind, or does he try to control what I’m thinking and doing? (Marrying someone who is abusive is the worst thing you can do for you or your child. Natalie at Emotional Abuse Survivor has a great post detailing how you can tell if he’s an abuser).
- Does he support you around the household, or does he expect you to completely take care of him? Someone who is lazy or entitled will not make a good marriage partner for life.
If you answer no to any of those questions, then marrying him is likely not a good idea, even for the sake of your child. In fact, for the sake of your child, it’s likely best if you get out, get involved in a church community, and try to create a good life for your baby. It will be hard, yes. But you need to give your child the best start you can.
It is tempting to try to convince yourself that things will work with this guy. You’re afraid of raising this child alone. You tell yourself that he’ll change, that things will be all right. But in general, people don’t change. And marrying someone who will only bring you heartache isn’t necessarily the best thing for your child either.
Notice the question I didn’t ask, though.
Doing things backwards adds so much stress and heartache to your life.
I don’t think your husband has to be the love of your life
I didn’t ask if you think he’s “the one”, your soul mate, the person who causes you to lose sleep and makes your stomach flip over. Those are important questions, but once you’re pregnant, I think the child’s stability and happiness matters most (that’s why we should wait; so that we have the chance to ask that important question!).
A man can still make a great father even if he isn’t the perfect match for you. And you can decide that you will pour yourself into this marriage and into this family.
What you can’t do is make a marriage work with someone of poor character. You can live without heart-stopping love; you can’t live without good character.
The Warning: Don’t Do Things Backwards
The big thing I want people to understand is that doing things backwards adds so much stress and heartache to your life. When you have sex with someone that you’re really not interested in marrying, you still run the risk of winding up pregnant. And that prolongs this relationship with this guy who isn’t very good indefinitely. He’s eligible for shared custody. He’s going to be in your life forever now, whether you marry him or not. And his family will be in your life, too.
You owe it to yourself, and to your future children, to go slowly and go wisely and listen to what God says. The reason He tells us to wait for marriage for sex isn’t because He’s mean or He wants to kill all our fun; it’s because it honestly is the best for us and for any future children. When we jump into bed with someone we don’t really love, we can cause a huge mess in our lives.
Those children will still be blessings, but life will be much more complicated than it needs to be.
What do you think? Should a woman marry the father of her baby? How should she decide? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I think it’s so great that you added the parenthetical comment about each of them living out (or not) their values. Assuming the man knows she’s a Christian, she should sit down and have a very frank talk with him, letting him know that she realizes that she has not been living in a way that pleases God and that should would like to start.right.now. Acknowledging the sin without changing it is no better than not acknowledging it. And with her beginning the conversation this way, there is no judgment of him since he is not a Christian. But she will become a testimony to him through her actions, and the Holy Spirit can begin working in him. I also think she needs to pray, pray, pray, and pray some more for his salvation and have a bunch of her friends praying for him too!
Such great thoughts, KJ! Thanks.
This woman’s situation resembles mine and my husband’s starting out. We had two kids before marriage and were together for 11 years before we got married. I, like Sheila, think that if everything this woman says it’s true and his faith is the only thing keeping her then she should absolutely marry this man. My husband wasn’t a believer when we got married either, but it wasn’t long after we got married that he became a believer AND because he didn’t grow up in church and he learned everything straight from the source (the Bible, he read the entire thing in like 9 months) he had taught me so much that I never saw before. Is such a blessing.
Like Sheila said though, as long as you can answer yes to those questions she posted, I think you should put that ring on. Good luck to you!
Jennifer, my husband became a Christian later in life, too, and he read the Bible before really starting to go to church. He sees things so differently from me–especially the Old Testament! It’s really cool. (He was a Christian when we met, but there’s a big difference between someone growing up in Sunday school and someone who didn’t). My daughter has the same experience with her husband–he became a Christian at 19, and his take on prayer is just so interesting. He believes way more than sometimes we who have been Christians our whole lives do. It’s like we can become cynical.
Anyway, that’s an aside, but thank you for those thoughts!
Excellent post Sheila!
I’ve always said that you shouldn’t compound one mistake by making another. Like you, I don’t believe the CHILD is a mistake, but doing things backwards (sex before marriage) is definitely a mistake.
My thoughts would be to add “would you thoughtfully and prayerfully consider marriage to this person if you WERE NOT pregnant?
Obviously, if the answer is no, then you should cease and desist living together and having sex and start figuring out how you will co parent this child (or children) in a healthy way.
I love the idea (I think it was a previous commenter) that you should pour every ounce of yourself into the marriage whether or not you think this is your soul mate or “the one”. I really don’t believe in that anyways. There’s always a possibility of missing “the one” unless you wait til you’re 95 to marry-then its kinda late 😉
Totally agree, Cara! Love this, too: “Obviously, if the answer is no, then you should cease and desist living together and having sex and start figuring out how you will co parent this child (or children) in a healthy way.”
I think that’s the part people don’t always accept. They don’t think he’s right to marry–but then they stay with him. You’re losing valuable time, and you’re running the risk that you’ll have yet another child! Do the right thing, even if it’s hard, and start living right with God now. There’s so much blessing in that. And hopefully God will lead you to a great, welcoming church family.
Hi Sheila, love your blog! I just want to clarify something you said. You said that to get right with Christ, the couple must marry. I submit that to get right with Christ the couple must repent. Marriage without the repentance does not “absolve” the sin. Repentance makes it right. Ideally repentance and then marriage needs to take place. Keep up the great work!
Great point, Elizabeth! Thanks for that.
PS: Thanks for saying you love my blog. 🙂 I love commenters like you. 🙂
This is such a great question and I love the way it was answered!
I got pregnant at the age of 20 with a man I’d known for only 6 months who was a brand new believer, and also in rehab for alcoholism. Aside from that, he ticked many of the boxes that Sheila listed as far as good character. He was a good guy.
We did get married, he relapsed without me knowing and the first two years of our marriage were just horrible. I was pregnant with our second child when we separated. I was ready to accept that I was going to be a single mom and that I had made an awful mistake.
However, despite the fact that he was struggling and rebelling towards God, he cared about his children and me and did the work to get sober. We reconciled, even though he was still in rebellion in many other ways (porn, smoking, wasn’t going to church, etc).
Because he wasn’t walking with the Lord, but was providing for our family and was, overall, a good husband and father, I chose not to nag him about his sin. I didn’t participate, he knew very well where I stood with regard to it, but I wasn’t going to beat him over the head with values he didn’t currently agree with. We lived pretty much in peace
Long story short, we’re coming up on our ten year anniversary this month and he has done a complete 180 over the past couple of years. He is walking with the Lord, has given up porn (still working on smoking), we host a small group in our home and he has Christian friends. It’s been amazing and I’m so grateful to God.
I know that God can do anything with any marriage and nobody is beyond hope, however, I really agree with the point made that even outside of following God’s law, character counts. My husband has vices, but he has always been very hard-working provider for our family, a super involved father and treated me well. His personal values have always been more or less on the right track and he’s generally always sought to improve himself as a person.
I think that made a huge difference in the success of our marriage, despite the fact that it started off so completely on the wrong foot.
Oh, Sarah, thank you for that story! I’m glad you shared. It sounds like you’ve had a really rough road, but God is redeeming it. It also sounds like you’re both just 30 now, and some people take a long time to really sort things out. So it sounds like you may have a very bright future together. That’s great, and I’m so glad that God brought something really good out of this situation!
My story is similar, my husband and I had a long distance relationship for about a year and we clearly considered marriage at that time, then we moved in together and I got pregnant right away. Sure, he did tick most of the boxes but not all of them, he had some addictions and was out of job without me being able to know if it was due to current circumstances or to character issues. I prayed and came to the conclusion that I owed it to my child (and myself!) to give it my best try. We got married shortly after and I faced doubts for the first few years of our marriage.
10 years and 3 other kids later, my husband didn’t do a 180 but our marriage definitely got stronger, he still isn’t perfect 😉 and struggling with some issues,but he has proven himself being caring, supportive, able to find a job and so on..
What I have been wondering, though, reading this post is that when we live together and have a child or expect one without being married, we at the same time know more about the other’s character and are in a worse position to make a decision concerning marriage than if we were only dating. The situation is stressful, there is already a kind of commitment through the child etc. It is much more revealing than dating, a little bit like the doubts newly married couples can go through during the first couple of years, except that there is an easy way out, since no wedding happened yet….
Don’t know if I am making myself clear…. I am still wondering if I would have married my husband had I not been pregnant then even though I would definitely marry him again now. The available information and the emotional environment would have been so different in the two situations (pregnant and living together vs only dating).
I have had those same questions – would we have wound up together if I hadn’t gotten pregnant? And ultimately, I think that that line of thinking is just one of the negative results of sin. My husband and I were talking about this just last night. Maybe God had something completely different in store for us, but our choice to sin took those options away.
God can still bring good and work His will in any situation, but we will never know what else He could have done had we opted not to make the choices we did.
However, that’s also true with any situation in life where we choose something other than what God tells us is right, and if you think about every situation like that, you’ll just go crazy.
Ultimately, that line of thinking is an unfortunate byproduct, but really not something that is beneficial to dwell on at all. Like you said, I would choose my husband a thousand times over again, even if I had to go through everything we went through again, and that’s really what matters.
That’s very wise, Sarah! I think that the thing to remember is Romans 8:28–he works all things together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose. Even if the original choice wasn’t what God would have had for you, He can now work it for good when you humble yourself before God. And that’s what He loves to do! It’s amazing how many stories in both the Old and New Testaments are not stories of someone making all the right choices their whole lives. They’re stories of people messing up, and then God using them in amazing ways anyway. God loves redemption. That’s not to say that any child’s story needs redemption, because all children are blessings. But sometimes we feel like we’ve messed up because we haven’t done the right thing. And God says, “it’s not about what you’ve done. It’s about what I’m going to do now.”
One thing she needs to ask herself is this: will she be able to cope with the possibility that he may never adopt the Christian label as his own? Because if she can’t deal with that, it could cause bigger problems down the road. Yes, she can be a witness to him by the way she lives, and yes, the Holy Spirit can work on his heart, but the choice is still his and his alone to make. She can’t force him.
Now, I say “adopt the Christian label,” not “become a Christian” because it is my belief that there are many who serve and follow after God without even knowing it. You can be a Christian without ever calling yourself one! Jesus talked about that in the parable of the sheep and the goats. The sheep showed love and kindness to their fellows in life, and God accepted that service done to others as unto him, and reward it as if it WERE done for him. But the sheep had no idea they were serving God, it came as a complete surprise! Just as there are people who think they’re Christians but who do everything God hates, so there are people who DON’T think they’re Christians but who do God’s work anyway, and God loves them for it. Holy hypocrites, if you will.
So, he may already BE a Christian in all but name. He already believes that there is a god, and he must be a good man, a kind man, and a good father, or she would not want to marry him at all, let alone have more children with him. The question is, then, can she accept him as he is, can she be satisfied with him being a good man who does God’s will without calling himself a Christian, or is the label too big an obstacle for her? Because if this is something she can’t overcome, then she should not marry him, it would only lead to unhappiness for everyone involved. But if she can overcome it, is she’s willing to, then there is no good reason they should not be married, if that’s what they both desire. Clearly they’re a good match for each other, or the relationship wouldn’t have lasted this long! Lots of married couples don’t stay together as long as they have, so why not make it official?
That’s my two cents, anyway. 🙂
Thank you, it is very well put… It never actually occurred to me to think of it that way, even though I am a sinner in more ways than one 😉 it is also a good way to talk about it with my daughter who started doing the math 😉
Could you maybe do a post entirely dedicated to the concept of doing the right thing and giving yourself to your marriage and loving your spouse even if it isn’t the “butterflies in your stomach” kind of love? We are so brainwashed by Hollywood that simply being married to a good man is not enough and that a marriage isn’t valid if you aren’t crazy in love. I struggle with this and would love to see you expound upon it.
That’s a great idea! I’ll try to schedule that for really soon. Thank you!
Thanks for your wise blogpost – and for your fantastic and life changing blog ❤️
Thank you, Tina! 🙂
Unequally yoked. Scripture is clear on this issue.
I can see the point of following the ‘unequally yoked’ rule if you are following ALL Christian ‘dating’ guidelines (no sex before marriage, no living together, don’t combine finances etc etc) but I think that by the time you have children together and have been living together for several years, you pretty much ARE married in all but name…and then I think that the scripture in 1 Peter 3 regarding wives with unbelieving husbands applies more than whether or not you are ‘unequally yoked’. Because, really, you already are ‘yoked’ together in parenting and sharing a household.
Perhaps the scripture about the adulterous woman (of the ‘he who is without sin cast the first stone’ fame) would apply…basically, ‘your sins are forgiven, go and sin no more’. I think the important thing is not what has been, as you can’t change the past, but look forward at what is to come.
Addressing the questioner, I would have a very serious conversation with your partner, stating how important an official marriage is to you and your faith, and see if your partner is willing to get married. If not, then your question might be answered for you, as being married requires 2 willing parties, but if he is willing, then I would probably aim for a very basic wedding ASAP. There is no need to drag out an engagement to finance a flashy wedding, just go for a no frills affair as soon as you can get the paperwork cleared (it was a month when I got married).
Yeah … I think they’re yoked. Very much yoked for life, because they have children together. The question now is how best to resolve a messy situation.
This is also why you shouldn’t date non-Christians and DEFINITELY shouldn’t be having sex before marriage, but horses / barn / closing in this case.
Love, that, Sunny-Dee! Totally agree. I think the “don’t be yoked to unbelievers” is kinda invalid once you have a kid. 🙂 The kid deserves parents who are married, if it’s a wise marriage, even if it’s not yoked. It’s called Taking Responsibility.
My husband is in kind of a reverse situation. He had a fling with a coworker and she got pregnant. He decided not to marry her because they didn’t have a real relationship and he truly thought they’d just get divorced if they got married. He made a comment once about being relieved about not having to deal with her once his son turns 18, and I just kind of laughed inwardly. Yeah, between graduations and holidays and weddings and grandbabies (in the very far future), this woman is going to be in our lives pretty much forever.
I fully support a decision not to marry if there is no reason to believe the marriage would last or it’s not something you can both fully commit to, because marriage is a big deal. But kids are also a big deal, and you are bound to that person for the rest of your life, even if it’s not a marriage.
No, the scripture actually isn’t clear on this issue. See, the scripture also says that if you are married to an unbeliever, and that unbeliever is willing to live with you despite that, then you should not divorce or separate from them, that they and any children you and they have are made holy through YOUR belief (1Corinthians 7:12-16).
This couple has been together for four years and counting. At this point, I think it’s pretty safe to say the he is MORE than willing to live with her, even though she’s a christian and he’s not. It’s not like she’s been keeping her faith a secret! So the “unequally yoked” thing isn’t really a valid objection to their marriage.
Sheila, hello! Great post! It’s so nice to read your post. Thank you so much for writing and sharing with us such an amazing story. I find it really moving, coz
This woman’s situation resembles mine and my boy friend. I mean I’ve gotten pregnant, while I ve not been married yet. I am so worry! We are stuck in deciding whether keeping our kid without any wedding party or breaking up with him and becoming a single mom, coz his family doesn’t approve of our relationship and my boy friend is not mature enough to give me a happy family. I feel depressed!
Another option that hasn’t been brought up is adoption. It may be the best situation for a child whose parents aren’t suited to be married to each other. There are a lot of married couples that aren’t able to have their own biological children.
Great point, Ann!
I think that really depends on her ability to provide a stable home environment. (And, um, not to sound judgmental … but I would say there are definitely some red flags in this case.) If someone could say that they made a mistake, recognized what was wrong, and committed to living a Godly and stable lifestyle, focusing on raising the kids, then I think they should keep their kids. If they are going to be all “I need me time” and date around and try to live single … then they need to recognize that’s not a good environment for raising kids.
Sheila, I have a question from real life that I’d love to hear your thoughts on. In the situation I’m speaking of its almost exactly like this except for one difference. In the situation above the fellow is not a Christian but you don’t define that so I’m assuming you mean someone who holds no particular faith including Christianity.
But what if he is not a Christian because he adheres strictly to another religion?
Thank you for your time in assisting with this question.
Hi CarlaAnne!
I guess I’m still in the camp that the child deserves two parents, and the horse has already left the barn. They already are yoked together. Now, if the marriage won’t work because of other reasons, like he’s abusive or lazy, then that’s one thing. But if they could parent together and do life together, then I think the child deserves that. It’s just a very difficult situation, but I think to say, “I can’t marry you because you’re not a Christian, but I can parent with you” is a little bit weird. They are yoked, and the child needs both of you, if both of you are healthy for that child. But those are just my thoughts!
Absolutely not!
I should explain that comment. You should not marry the man who gave you a baby, especially when he is already married. It doesn’t work. If he thinks he will leave his wife for your, believe me, it will never work.
I’m not a girl, so I have no idea about this ,but if I was this litte life’s father , I would be responsible for this baby as well.
What about a woman who has children out of wedlock, and wants to follow Christ and make things right by getting married-but the unvelieving man has no desire to marry, yet still wants be together, is loyal, provides, is a good father etc. To him being married is just a label.
If she leaves, the family unit is torn apart, the children suffer, and she struggles until either he changes his mind or she gets on her feet and/or one day marries a Christian. If she stays, she has a family unit and safe place for her children, a good man and provider, but could potentially feel condemnation for her situation, not being married. Yet praying he would change his mind.
I have a friend in this situation and I’m not sure how to best counsel on it. What would God want in this situation?
That’s a good one, Tina! Personally, I think if the guy is willing to stay with the children that that takes precedence. Children need their father (if he’s a good man). But I think that would be a very difficult and sad situation.