How important is it that parents agree on parenting styles?
It’s Wednesday, which is when we talk marriage on the blog! Parenting can be a huge strain on marriage if you don’t agree with how the other is choosing to parent. And all over marriage circles, couples are told “you must be on the same page when it comes to parenting! Show a united front!”
I’ve certainly said that in the past, too. But when my daughter Rebecca did her interviews for her book Why I Didn’t Rebel, she found something surprising that I think is worth talking about today.
Basically, this stuff is just really messy. And you’ve got two relationships to think about here: Your marriage, and your kids. Ultimately I hope we can find a way to grow both, but I don’t think ignoring real problems will do that.
So let’s listen to what Rebecca found, and then we can chat:
What do you do if you disagree with how your spouse is parenting?
While I was writing Why I Didn’t Rebel, I inevitably came across stories where parents had very different parenting styles. And how they handled it had a huge impact on their kids’ relationship with their parents.
One such story was Nathan’s. I’m not going to comment on the marriage aspect here; I just want to encourage us to look at it from the perspective of a teen. So here are three things I learned in looking at his story:
Presenting a united front doesn’t always help your kid.
Nathan constantly fought with his mother. In his house, she did most of the parenting. Nathan’s mom had strict rules, and stricter discipline when anyone broke those rules. Nathan loved his mom, and knew that she loved him more than life itself, but he couldn’t get past how unfair the rules and the punishments felt. The rules were law, but were not logical. He’d be able to go into town on his own, but couldn’t go to a friend’s house if he was alone. And even if he broke a small rule, like not cleaning his room on time, he could be punished really harshly, like having to stay home from a weekend trip he had been planning for months.
They got into screaming matches about the rules or punishments where they would both say hurtful things they regretted, but neither one would apologize for fear of giving the other person more control. It was a mess.
Nathan’s dad was completely the opposite. Instead of cracking down on rules and handing out punishments, he believed in discussing reasons for why you shouldn’t do certain things, or why some things are wrong. He believed in giving his son a chance to explain himself and make it right on his own and often thought that the punishments did not fit the crime. And he knew that Nathan responded well to him. “Mom treated me like a little boy, Dad always treated me like a man,” Nathan explained, “I felt respected and heard when he talked to me, but it wasn’t like that with mom.”
For the most part, Nathan’s dad saw parenting as his wife’s job, since she had taken it upon herself. But he also saw what was happening to his son’s relationship with his mother.
So what did Nathan’s father do?
Sometimes admitting when things are wrong can bring healing for your child.
Nathan’s dad saw the power struggle that was going on, and he didn’t like it. He hated seeing his son and his wife butt heads and refuse to apologize to each other. So after particularly bad fights, he started to sit down with Nathan and try and explain where Nathan’s mom was coming from. He didn’t agree with his wife, and he told his son as much. He saw that the interactions they were having were a serious risk to their relationship and wanted to try and fix it.
And when Nathan grew up and became an adult, it was those conversations with his dad that made him decide that he’d had enough of rebellion and wanted to become the kind of man his father was.
Here’s the thing: kids know when things are wrong. We sense when things are unjust, unfair, or just a flat out lie. When parents are able to admit when there’s something wrong, they become much more trustworthy and then teenagers have a much easier time respecting them. All parents make mistakes, but being able to call out those mistakes and replace them with honesty has incredible healing power. It’s why Nathan and his mom have a good relationship now, and why he is living for God.
Your family needs to be able to parent out of truth.
I have two parents who can be quite hot-headed. I talk about it in the book (with their permission), but they did have tempers when we were younger and I got yelled at a lot. When I hit my preteen years, my mom started to notice the toll it was having on me and would take me for long walks after a bad fight with Daddy and we would just talk. She would tell me that I’m right to be hurt, and that it wasn’t OK, and then when I got home, Dad would apologize. Their ability to talk to me about what was really going on, even if it meant talking about the flaws of the other person, is one of the reasons our relationship is so strong today.
I’ve been married for about 2 and a half years now (I know, we’re still babies!), but something I’ve learned in my arguments with Connor is that we usually butt heads about one of two things: preferences, or truth. Either we want different things but either would be an acceptable choice, or we differ because one of us is doing something wrong and doesn’t want to admit it.
In my interviews I found a similar strain in parenting. Sure, there are parenting differences about the silly things–I think he should play hockey, she thinks he should play soccer. One parent may have to defer to the other just to make the household work.
But when it comes to disagreements on what is morally right, presenting a united front isn’t necessarily helpful to your kid.
It wouldn’t help me if Connor just sidled up alongside me anytime I got bitter or resentful and said, “I’m going to support you in this, honey!” No, I need him to speak truth into that situation and tell me I’m being horrible. Nathan’s dad knew it was time to speak truth about Nathan’s experience, because it was tearing apart Nathan’s relationship with his mom. My mom and dad were able to talk to me about ways they had hurt me because they valued my rights higher than any united front or fight for control.
In any area of life, our number one priority as Christians needs to be that truth is spoken. Jesus said it himself–“then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). Parents whose goal was to speak truth and honesty into their kids’ lives gave their kids the gift of a relationship with parents they could trust.
Thanks, Rebecca! (And for the record, Keith and I did yell too much. And it’s something that God did really heal for both of us. Keith and I did have to have a talk when Rebecca was about 13 on how I thought he was being too harsh–and he did agree with me).
I’ve heard people talk so much about how parents have to have a united front, because the marriage is the most important relationship. But I think that when one parent is being wrong to a child, it’s also important to acknowledge that. I’ve even heard some Christian pastors and authors say that the mom should support the dad, even if he’s charged with pedophilia, because we’re yoked to the father, not the kids. I couldn’t disagree more.
Our kids really need us. And Becca found that the kids who rebelled were more likely to have parents who were harsh or who didn’t acknowledge truth.
So now we’re left with a really, really thorny question. How do you deal with it if you’re not on the same parenting page? What do you do if your spouse is being unreasonable? How do you honour both relationships?
I’ve seen situations, for instance, where the mom has inserted herself in the middle of the relationship and just made everything worse! She’s made her kids hate their dad. So there has to be some middle ground.
What do you think? Let’s talk in the comments!
This is the launch week for Rebecca’s book Why I Didn’t Rebel! It’s got stories like Amelia’s from yesterday, and Nathan’s from today.
And because it’s launch week, we’ve got a ton of freebies for you! When you order Why I Didn’t Rebel today, you’ll also get two of my own books–FOR FREE! You’ll get download links to How Big Is Your Umbrella, as well as Raising Kids You Actually Like. And you’ll get an extra Q&A chapter featuring both Rebecca and me answering your questions.
Step One: Order the Book! Step Two: Email Us Your Receipt!It’s a great book! Don’t miss it.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I don’t think that any of the examples given show a united front (much less one going wrong). I feel that Rebecca is equating a “united front” with the moderate parent always supporting the harsh parent, which I agree isn’t the right answer either. And I agree that if one parent is really overstepping the line, it’s okay for the other parent to acknowledge that and talk with the child about it, to keep lines of communication going.
One of the most common parenting issues I’ve seen is the tendency for parents to polarize into a “good cop/bad cop” model. Each one actually gets more extreme than he or she might have otherwise, because each one is compensating for what they see as the wrongheaded approach of the other. That’s a recipe for disaster, and for kids playing one parent off against the other.
I am blessed in my marriage by having a wife who was willing to go behind closed doors with me and discuss parenting issues. We often had different perspectives, but we would reach some sort of compromise and come out with that together. Our children knew they couldn’t play us against one another. Occasionally I would come home to a situation in which my wife had already reacted and I might feel the consequences were inappropriate. I would generally support her to the kids, but we would talk about it in private and agree on how to handle such situations going forward. In some cases, she would modify her original response and we would change the consequences for that offense.
I’m not saying we did this perfectly, but for the most part, we gave one another the respect of talking with one another rather than doing damage control with the children. And with our youngest now 21, we can also say we ended up with kids who didn’t rebel. It’s a nice club to belong to!
Sounds like you guys have a great family!
Maybe what you have going for you, though, is that you both honestly are healthy emotional people. What if the spouse is not? That’s where things get really tricky, I think. I like Michelle’s mom’s approach (just below); you try to encourage a relationship with the parent who is unreasonable, and you teach about proper behaviour to that parent, but you don’t cover up for that parent.
In reading Rebecca’s book, it seems to me that there are two big values that families have: Some value respect and obedience; and some value authenticity and truth. Those that value authenticity and truth tend to have kids that do better than those who value respect and obedience. And given how much we parents are often taught that we must have kids who obey us and our kids must be made to respect their parents no matter what, perhaps that’s a debate that’s worth having–because families who force kids to obey something that’s wrong, or who don’t acknowledge when a parent is wrong, will inadvertently push a child away.
I agree that if a spouse won’t work with you, Michelle’s mom’s approach is the best available. It just shows to me, though, how incredibly important the marriage relationship is to parenting. It’s so tough to parent well when both parents aren’t on board with it together.
(And by the way, if we are healthy emotional people, it is only by the grace of God. My wife has a book in the works….)
It seems that all the examples have been of one parent who is harsh and unreasonable, and one parent who is moderate and reasonable. I would love to see input from people who have the opposite problem: one parent wanting to enforce reasonable discipline, and the other undermining that discipline with too much permissiveness. In that case, it’s harder for the “right” parent to keep a healthy bond with the children, because children will naturally gravitate to the one who is more permissive (until they get enough maturity to realize that too much permissiveness is unhealthy for them).
That’s actually a really good point, Keith, and I know families with dynamics like that, too. In fact, that’s a point that Rebecca made in her book, too. She tells the story of one family that had basically NO rules, and those kids didn’t end up knowing God either. It’s funny, but both the hyper-authoritarian and the hyper-permissive parenting styles, even though they look so opposite, actually tend to end up in the same place.
In her post on rules vs. reasons, Rebecca talks about the happy medium we’re supposed to be aiming for: the authoritative parent, where there’s still respect and standards, but there’s also a strong relationship.
I hope maybe someone will chime in from the permissive end, too!
Keith, I appreciate your thoughts. A little background first…..I am a full-time stepmom. My husband got full custody of the children when his first wife left him. He raised them as a single father for 4 years.
You hit the nail on the head for my husband and I with the good cop/bad cop dynamic. I have become the bad cop overcompensating for what I believe to be lax parenting on my husband’s part. While I’ve never had biological children of my own, I know myself well enough that I never would have become the parent I am now, if he took more responsibility. I see myself doing it; fighting so hard for boundaries and order. I don’t like who I’ve become. Most recently, I’ve come to the realization that I do need to have a talk with my youngest stepson about my part in things. He’s about to be 13 and I can see our relationship diminishing.
I don’t believe my husband thinks he is under parenting. Basically, we’re at an impasse. I am in counseling and he comes too. Between that and prayer, for the both of us; that’s all I’ve got. I’m praying and looking for guidance.
That good-cop bad-cop routine is really common. What happens is that you each become caricatures or yourself to compensate for what you think the other parent is failing to do, and then you each dig in even further. And it’s really tough and really hard! I think big picture questions, like “what do you want to teach the kids” or “what skills and attitudes do you want them to leave home with” or “what kind of relationship do you want with your kids when they’re in their 20s” can help clarify, “are we on the road to getting there with what we’re doing now?”
And reading something like Why I Didn’t Rebel together can help, too, because it’s all about those big picture questions, and the stories are great. There are good cop /bad cop dynamics in the book, too, which can help.
I encountered this for the first time in my 9 years of marriage. I stay home with our 4 boys (ages 0, 2, 4, & 6). I am constantly teaching them appropriate boundaries, how seriously the words “no” and “stop” should be taken, and to respect each other’s personal space. My husband thought our oldest was joking when he laughingly yelled, “Stop!” while being tickled. I knew I had to step in for our son, and I did so as respectfully as possible. I comforted our son and encouraged him to continue playing with Dad. I later discussed it with my husband, because I could tell he was hurt that I called him out in front of our kids. I’m grateful that I married someone who is willing to respectfully discuss anything with me, admit when he’s wrong, and work to make things right.
I grew up in a home more like “Nathan’s” in the story above. After irrational outbursts from my dad, my mom would take us kids aside and remind us that Dad loved us, but he was still wrong. She talked about how we can choose forgiveness even when we know our dad will never apologize, and even when our dad thought he was right in his harsh actions and reactions. We all maintained a kind and respectful relationship with him until his death. It’s unfortunate that he chose to continue verbal and emotional abuse over counseling. He would be missed a lot more had he been a more loving father and husband.
Hi Michelle! I think that’s a great story about your mom–how she encouraged you to have as good a relationship with your dad as possible, and so honoured him that way, without diminishing the reality of what he was doing to you.
And I think that’s great what you did with your son, too. Sometimes we do need to step in, and hopefully we will have a spouse who will respect that!
I absolutely agree that presenting a united front is NOT the most important part of good parenting. Frankly, I’m so tired of seeing that as Christian parenting advice. It’s one way of doing things but it’s not a Christian or Biblical model. It’s just one approach.
My husband and I both call each other out when we are being unfair or disrespectful to our children. And we both appreciate it, although it is uncomfortable in the moment. I do not teach my children to blindly respect and obey authority. Most of the time, it’s in their best interests to comply with authority and rules but we encourage them to question who they allow to be an authority in their lives. We welcome it when they question our rules and decisions (although it can be exhausting!). We want our children to be strong enough to walk away from a bad authority figure and we want them to call us out when we’re not behaving appropriately. We want them to question rules and customs, not just accept cultural norms.
My husband and I were both rebels in that sense. We didn’t get into trouble as teens but we both questioned customs, cultural norms, and rules. As adults, we live very outside the box lives. We hope our children carry that forward. Far too many things are accepted as Christian when they really are only cultural.
I really do love that, Lisa! That’s how our family operated, too.
Your last paragraph made me laugh, because it sounded like Rebecca’s first chapter in her book. She was talking about what rebellion WASN’T, and she said that it was not rebellion to question authority figures or to stand up to them when they were in the wrong (and she told her story of what happened with her youth group when she was 15/16, which was a really hard period in our lives). It’s only rebellion when we go against God. Sometimes kids SHOULD rebel against their parents, and she gave some examples of that, too.
I think we focus too much on making sure that kids follow authority figures without asking whether those figures are worth following! Kids need to be taught discernment, too.
I think this is one of the biggest struggles in our marriage. Thanks for addressing it! My husband grew up being yelled at. So in his defense, it’s what he knows. He constantly says kids only listen if you yell, and if they don’t listen, you need to yell louder. Neither of us is permissive, and we are on the same page on rules ( which is a blessing!) But for any infraction, however small, he yells. Many of these incidences would rectify themselves if he’d let life run its course (you don’t want to eat before you get on the bus, fine, we won’t yell or force you to eat, but you will be hungry at school later, and that will be a bummer–problem is likely to fix itself without yelling or name calling) Anytime I take the boys aside and explain dad’s side, he accuses me of undermining his authority as “dad.” I’m honestly at a loss at what to do, because any book on parenting, christian or otherwise, he thinks is psychological babble. Our kids do stop what they are doing when he yells, but it’s out of fear, not out of respect, and that’s not the type of relationship I want them to have with their dad. But by golly, it was the way he was raised and he turned out ok, so it obviously will work for his kids. I wish we could find a middle ground where he didn’t feel undermined when I tell the kids that the yelling and name calling isn’t ok, and that he honestly has their best interest at heart when he yells/disciplines. (And yes, I do yell more that I would like too, but it isn’t my only discipline strategy).
Dawn, that’s really a tough one. Is there any way you can get in a small group or something that talks about parenting? Or where he can get input from other guys? Sometimes he needs to hear it from others. But I guess the big thing to remember is consequences. If the kids have a bad relationship with their dad as they get older, that is something to mourn, but it’s not on you. I think teaching your children to recognize bad behaviour is important, but also how to forgive and love and respect appropriately then. It really is hard, though.
Dawn, I believe one way to help your husband understand the negative impact of his yelling is to turn the focus of the discussion on him as a kid and his relationship with his parents. That he turned out ok despite the yelling is besides the point. The questions to ask would be:
Did he as a child obey his parents out of fear or out of love and understanding?
Did he respect his parents because he felt respect for them or did he show outward respect because he feared punishment?
Did and does he have a close relationship with his family now? What kind of relationship does he want with his Kids in the long run? Will his yelling help him get there?
Did he feel respected as a person by his parents?
What as a kid he wished would have been different in his relationship with his parents?
What are his good childhood memories?
That he feels so easily threatened in his authority when you openly talk to your kids about the yelling and name calling is a sign that he has some insecurities and lacks confidence. Yelling is actually a sign of feeling powerless. I know, I struggle with it too and I am fighting to overcome it, because in the long run I want to have a good relationship with my kids based on mutual respect and love, so the yelling has no place here.
Anyways, I would pray and try to bring it up in a calm moment (not in the middle of a yell session) and I would also talk to him about your own yelling and what you feel and do about it. I truly believe not preaching at him from parenting books, but turning him towards his own childhood experience and relationship with his parents can help him see the truth. God bless you! Hope this is helpful.
Great thoughts, Lydia! Thank you so much.
Lydia. As Sheila recommended, I have been looking for a study that we can do in parenting together, as I think he needs to hear these ideas from somebody other than me, preferably another dad. Our church hasn’t had many marriage and parenting classes in the past, but with a new family pastor, there are quite a few upcoming classes in parenting. So I have been praying for an opportunity there. However, you brought up some good questions. I wouldn’t be comfortable asking him how he feels his yelling impacts the kids, but I could very easily tell him why I feel bad when I yell at the kids, and how I feel it impacts my relationship with them. I think it would be a much less threatening approach. I never thought to ask if my husband felt respected as a kid. (I’m not sure I ever really thought about it myself!) But you bring up some really good questions, some of while I don’t even know the answer too. We see his family weekly, and they get along well enough. But it isn’t the awesome family dynamic that my family has. While he is a pretty confident man, I am not sure how confident he feels as a dad, bringing up two boys to manhood. I will definitely pray about that and see if I can find the right words or actions to encourage him as a dad. Thanks for your reply!
I’m glad you feel some hope, Dawn! I’ve said a prayer for you, too.
I highly recommend Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel and Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas. Both are excellent studies either individually or within a group.
Thanks Sheila and Rebecca for the post. Very insightful. Sheila, I grew up in a home where my parents YELLED. Now I realise that even when I talk, I tend to raise my voice. All of us siblings are generally loud and when we have disagreements, even if they are amicable, they are spirited and LOUD. I have often wondered how I can deal with yelling especially since I have witnessed it all my life. You mentioned that you got healed and I was wondering if there are any practical steps to take. I definitely don’t want to give my husband a hard time when I do get married.
I think for me it was learning to deal with anger and to help myself calm down, and also to get myself out of power struggle mode. Usually when we yell it’s because we’re in power struggle mode–who will win this one? Whether it’s with our spouse or with our kids. But when we can get out of that and ask, what do we all need right now to feel understood?, it gets a lot better.
I think recognizing that you yell too much is a huge first step, though.
It’s worth noting that there is a incorrect way to handle one parent disagreeing and talking to the child, and it looks really similar to the story in this blog but actually promotes guilt and enables abusive situations. It the version where one parent says “they didn’t mean it” or something to the effect of “you provoked it”. They don’t acknowledge the wrong behavior in the other parent or do it in a qualified way “he shouldn’t have said that to you, but if you were more respectful/obedient/modest/passive, etc then these kinds of situations wouldn’t happen”. And that’s worse because it doesn’t acknowledge the wrong behavior in a healthy way at all, and makes the child feel guilty for being hurt. These statements are often followed by “as the good Christian, you must forgive (again) ” and act like it never happened. So, I think is also so important to confront the parent if the behavior is really wrong. Deal with the source of the problem, not the victim of the wrong behavior.
Really great points, Sarah. I totally agree. Thank you for adding that!
What do you think about who talks to the kid when something is wrong, like say the kid made a bad choice. My husband and I are recently married and aren’t planning on having kids any time soon, but one day my parents got upset with me about something and they talked to me. After I was telling my then boyfriend about the talk and mostly what my mom said. He asked if my dad had really said much and i said some but not my mom. My dad is a pretty quiet and reserved guy, doesn’t get worked up about anything, and is more of the strong presence type. My mom talks a lot, maybe too much, but she doesn’t take over the conversation or not let my dad speak, he just doesn’t. Well my husband said that my dad should have done most of the talking because he is the leader. I immediately disagreed and said a leader doesn’t always have to be the person that talks more or gets the last word, and my mom was the one that had more of the problem with me, so she did more of the talking. We have fought about this many times since because I just don’t think that is right. I think that a woman should not have to beg a man to talk to his children and if he does a good job talking to them right off the bat (after both spouses have talked and gotten on the same page) then the mom might not have to say much because her husband covered it and for that I would be grateful. But to say that there is a proper ratio of words is wrong. I do not want to feel like I cannot speak up in a serious conversation with my kids because my husband has to do more talking. He says that its not that he wouldn’t let me or wouldn’t want me to speak, he just says that if a man is being a leader, he will talk more. And I just disagree and if he thinks that about our kids, what does he think now just about our relationship with each other? I tend to overreact and over think things but right now I feel like I am walking around our home in fear with my head hung because I feel like somehow by saying he thinks he should talk more, that I am not as important. Maybe this is just my internal issue and he is fine, because I do believe the best in him and believe his motivation is to be a good leader and not be a passive husband/father and he has a very vocal, take charge personality unlike my dad who I am used to. Do you have any advice on how to better think of this in my own mind or how to communicate my feelings about it with him? How do I stop from feeling like I need to hang my head in shame at the thought of submission and him taking the lead/talking more to our future kids. Why did him saying he thinks he should do more talking make me feel so terrible? (not that I want to do more talking at all, I’m just saying, why do we have to say he always has to, why can’t we just work together, trust each others parenting, support each other, and whoever talks more talks more) I think that’s what I am getting at. I don’t think I should be the one to talk more either, but why do we have to make hard and fast rules? Do you think that leading in a situation means that you say the most?
Hi Lauren,
It sounds like you two have a very different view of what submission means, and I think this is likely to get you into trouble. It may be a good idea for you to read my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, which tackles it from a different angle, and then shows what resolving conflict should actually look like (and presents a far healthier model than just locking horns). I know you guys have had a lot of disagreements on what leadership looks like, and it sounds like you have some pretty big, and warranted, reservations. You want to feel heard and you want to feel like you’re a partner and you’re respected. Reading that book may give you another way of talking to your husband about it, so that you can talk about it not as if you guys are on opposite sides, but as if you’re on the same side!