What do you do when your husband won’t go to the doctor to talk about how he has no libido?
I’m back from quite the week! As I told you all last week, I had to fly out to Vancouver all of a sudden because we got word that my father was dying. I announced on Facebook that he passed away Friday morning, and told those who subscribe to my emails some of my thoughts about having a parent who you really didn’t know well pass away.
And now I’m home, and I’d like to get back to writing about marriage! So every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. Here’s a woman whose husband has no libido but he won’t go to the doctor:
I especially liked what you wrote on how to approach a spouse who isn’t interested in having sex. I found it to be the most gentle, respectful, and understanding wording I’ve ever seen for advice on this topic. I wanted to copy and paste it word for word to my husband, but I’ve written him long texts in the past on this topic, and he told me that as soon as he sees it’s about sex he stops reading. He asked me nicely to stop talking about this, but I don’t know what to do but keep talking. He hasn’t initiated sex in over two years, and in that time we’ve only had sex 4 times (3 times last year), all with no participation on his part; no kissing, no touching, he can’t even open his eyes unless they’re glued to the Facebook feed on his cell phone which ALWAYS seems more important when I’m trying to engage his interest. He’s told me it’s not me, that he’s just getting older and it’s just a fact of life (he’s only 46). I want to encourage him to see his doctor to find out if there is something wrong, but anytime I bring it up, even trying to be as gentle and understanding as I can (I don’t yell, or say anything after a failed attempt at love making, etc.) he flies off the handle, tells me I’m being selfish, and tells me it’s conversations like this that turn him off. I asked if he could simply check to see if he could switch his cholesterol medication, because I read that some of those can effect libido, and he wouldn’t hear of it. He won’t quit smoking, change his unhealthy eating habits, get his testosterone levels checked, etc. He says it’s his body and he’ll do what he wants with it. I’m at my wit’s end.
She gave some more information on how he reacted with sexual problems in past relationships, and she’s just plain really hurt.
I don’t blame her.
I often say when I give my Girl Talk (my talk about sex that I give in churches) that it’s always hardest to be the spouse with the higher sex drive; and if you are that spouse, it’s worse when you’re the wife, because at least if you’re a guy there’s an expectation that you’ll be the one who wants sex more. When you’re the woman, people aren’t used to it and there isn’t the support there.
So this is a really rough place.
Let’s try to dissect this a little bit. I want to tackle the fact that he won’t address his low libido, and then tomorrow give some thoughts about guys going to see the doctor in general (because many women have trouble getting their husbands to go for a check-up!).
First: What to do when your husband won’t address his low libido
The spouse with the low libido really has no incentive on their own to address the problem. They’re often fine with the way things are, and they could keep going like that forever. They don’t feel the lack of sex in the same way.
Now, people only change when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing. For many people, there isn’t a lot of pain in staying the same.
What you would hope is that a spouse would feel your pain and be motivated by that to do something; most spouses, I think, are. That’s part of marriage–when our spouse hurts, we should hurt, too.
And certainly when we can talk about it in a healthy way, our spouses should be motivated to make changes. In that vein, I’ve written before some posts that can help with this:
It explains how to make the topic about intimacy, not your physical needs. Focusing on your physical needs can turn him off right away, and make you seem pathetic (even though you’re totally not!). Talking instead about what this is doing to you as a couple, and what you really want for you as a couple, can help him see that change does need to come.
For most people, this approach will work. Most people honestly may no see the pain they’re causing their spouse, and they may just need this reality check to get them on the right path.
But what if he doesn’t understand and still doesn’t seem to care? Here’s where I encourage you to address the problem and not take no for an answer. If he doesn’t want to talk about it–that doesn’t mean that you have to let it go. And I show you how to be firm, because this is important. This isn’t something that you should just let go. So if you need a game plan and a pep talk and permission to feel upset about this, check out that post!
Many people are selfish.
The simple truth is that many people are selfish and don’t really care what other people think. And many people are not interested in personal growth. They’re quite content to stay exactly the way they are, and if you challenge them, they’ll say something like, “You should love me just the way I am”, as if the problem is you. It’s not. All of us are supposed to be growing. We’re supposed to be being transformed to look like Christ (Romans 8:29). We’re supposed to be “working out our salvation with fear and trembling.” (Philippians 2:12). We’re supposed to grow!
If you’re married to someone who is supremely self-focused, and isn’t interested in doing anything they don’t want to do, then you have a bigger problem. You can try to convince them until you’re blue in the face that life would be better if they changed, but they may not care because their only motivator is their own feelings. That’s a hard place to be, and it means that you’ve married someone immature. A sign of maturity is choosing to do the right thing, even if it doesn’t line up with what you want to do in the here and now.
In that case, it may be best to approach him not by trying to convince him to change (since it may not work), but instead by making it clear that him doing nothing will no longer be tolerated. He is damaging himself and the relationship, and it is not loving to allow this to continue. The post on living in a sexless marriage will help with that.
Second: What if your husband won’t go to the doctor at all?
Maybe your problem isn’t that your husband has a low libido, but that he won’t go to the doctor at all. Many men hate going to see a physician, and so they prolong things far too long. I have a good friend whose husband refused for a year of stomach pains to go to the doctor, and when he finally did go when the pain got too intense, they diagnosed Stage IV colon cancer. If he had gone in the first place, there may have been a different outcome.
Guys should start going for an annual checkup at age 50, but should go sooner than that if there is a history of some cancers or some heart problems, or if they have an acute problem.
So what if your husband has an issue and he doesn’t want to go see a doctor?
I’m going to write 10 ideas about how to get your husband to the doctor in a follow-up post tomorrow, so tune in for that! (there just isn’t room to include it all today!) And if you have any great suggestions, leave them in the comments and I’ll try to incorporate them.
So let me know in the comments: Does your husband refuse to address a big issue in your marriage? How have you handled that? And how do you get your husband to see the doctor?
What if YOU’RE the one with the lower libido?
I get it! I even wrote a course to help you deal with it–Boost Your Libido!
It’s a 10-module course that will take you step-by-step through the things YOU can do right now to help you reignite your sex drive.
I get it! I even wrote a course to help you deal with it–Boost Your Libido!
It’s a 10-module course that will take you step-by-step through the things YOU can do right now to help you reignite your sex drive.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I think one thing is that a lot of times people assume that a low libido in men is caused by low T. Sometimes it is, but in my husband’s case, he had his tested (because he wanted supplements for a workout program he was starting), and he’s on the high end of normal.
There are behavioral factors — smoking (which causes vascular problems) and drinking (which has a tons of reasons why it interferes with sex) and obesity — which you don’t really need to be a doctor to diagnose. And then there are the ones that just have an attitude problem, ranging from resentment to apathy.
I really wanted to hear that the problem was low T, because there’s a pill for that! And it also means that it’s not about how my husband sees me! Except, well…
Yes, that’s so true, Sunny-Dee. And, of course, porn causes low libido, too, because it rewires the brain so that what’s arousing is an image or a video rather than relationship. I think going to a doctor is a good idea to rule out any health issues, but for the majority of men with low libido it is other factors. I think having a doctor say, “there’s nothing physically wrong” can help, because then you have to pay attention to the behavioural factors and they take on more weight.
I’m sorry you’re going through this! I know what you mean about low T being an easier thing to deal with.
Oh, I should say, I was just listing reasons that can cause LL. I don’t deal with all of them. Though drinking is a thing and, I think, apathy. The apathy is probably the worst. :-/
P.S. I am sorry about your father.
Yes, apathy is a huge issue. I think people can sometimes get such a lack of passion in all areas of their lives that it does kill libido!
What a great post – so many great point that apply outside of sex issues, even outside of marriage.
I wonder how long he’s had low sex drive, even before he stopped initiating sex. That he gets angry at her asking makes me wonder about emotional issues, such as unhealthy sexual attraction that’s not geared toward his wife at all, or sexual abuse in his past. I could be overthinking this, of course, but might be worth keeping in the back of one’s mind. Maybe in case he does cave and go to the doctor, then come back w/ “See? Nothing wrong, now leave me alone.”
Great thoughts, Mina! I think it’s important that we all realize that often the problem is NOT a medical one. I still think it’s important to see a doctor, at least so that the doctor can tell him even if he doesn’t have low testosterone, it’s highly unusual for a guy not to want to have sex with his wife. I would hope that a physician would at least reiterate what a normal sex drive would be. Most good physicians would, I think, so at least they would give you backup.
I’ve been in fertility treatments for over 18 months, and, with two primary doctors (my original OB-GYN and now the reproductive endocrinologist), neither has ever asked about our frequency or general sex life.
A very light hearted comment in response to a very heavy post (and of course the heaviness of a death in your family) – but I had a little ‘giggle snort’ as I pictured being transformed ini Christ’s image…and immediately thought of myself growing a beard!
I’m sorry, this is really unhelpful (you can’t take me anywhere…not even the internet!)!
On a different note, my prayers are with your family during this time Sheila, and also with Sunny Dee and the original questioner in the face of such difficulty.
Hi Sheila,
I am Sheila too. Nice to meet you. My husband rarely wants to have sex. This has gone on for years. I have talked to him over and over again. In the beginning, he would never talk about it. Or he became defensive and would shut down.
However, a few years later we were able to talk in a healthy way about it. How it makes me feel and all of that. He says he is tired but will try. He tells me he understands but he doesnt have the desire. It gets better for a while and then it goes back to status quo. And even then I am the one who initiates it. He doesn’t look at porn anymore because I explained to him the effects it has had on our marriage. The last talk we had was about 2 months ago and I was very upset and crying and told him how it makes me feel. He was very responsive. We made a plan to work sex around him being tired. Starting earlier, starting in the living room and not waiting until we get to bed. And the plan never came to fruition. I have asked him to go to the dr and he makes excuses about not wanting to spend the money. I am at my wits end and don’t know what to do. I feel like we should see a therapist but when I suggested that he said no, of course. Now I don’t want to even say another word about it because I’m so burned out on rejection and being let down.
I’m 50. Very low drive now, actually zero. I have been battling low T and ED for nearly 5 years now. Even before then I really never was high drive. Once a month was totally fine by me. So on the low T I have tried T replacement. The gel, the shots, etc. Nothing worked, and in fact I get seriously sick. Vomiting, migraines, the works. Last time was so bad I was hospitalized. At that point I said I can’t do this anymore. Without T replacement I bounce from 80 to maybe 300 on my T levels on a good test day.
We tried Viagra because I thought at least I could make her feel good even if I really don’t want to be doing this. Without the T, the entire act just is not an appealing idea. Unless you have lived with really low T you won’t understand. Back to the Viagra. Flop. In fact I thought I was going to die the headache was so bad and I had vision problems. I went to the eye doctors a few weeks after because my vision in one eye never really recovered fully. He did diagnose permanent damage had been done and it changed my prescription for my glasses.
At this point I’ve told her sex is a thing of the past. I can’t keep doing this to myself. It’s not worth it and we have 2 kids still in school and I’m the sole bread winner of the family. I’m not going to risk changing the lives of my family by me not being able to work. I have offered to help her out or make her “feel good” but no more meds.
Is this selfish? After all I’ve been through I don’t think so.
What about a wife who doesn’t see her missing libido as a problem at all? Even to the point that, when answering a recent questionnaire about her health, listed the answer to “Are you sexually active?” as “no”, with no explanation.
It’s been 3-4 years since she has responded to attempts at foreplay with ANY response. She just lays there waiting for me to be done, and usually removes herself with the statement that she has other things to do.
Joseph, I’m so sorry. That sounds so difficult. I do have a post that men can show their wives to try to start the conversation–it’s right here, and I hope it may help you.
My husband confessed that he struggled with porn on and off since he was a teenager (now mid-40s) only after I brought the situation up. We’ve been married for 20 years and I always had a low libido and had some issues with painful intercourse in the past which has since been taken care. Since that has resolved I would say our sex life has been good and he agreed. His porn habit came out about 9 months ago. For the first 3-4 months he had a very high libido. However, within the past 4-5 months is has declined drastically. He has little to no desire for sex. He’s gone to the doctor and his testosterone levels are normal but his prostate is enlarged. He’s starting suffering ED during the past month or so. I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t want to initiate anymore because i feel that nothing I do can get him aroused. I’ve expressed my concerns to him on why I don’t feel like I can initiate. If he initiates he doesn’t seem to have ED problems. I continue to keep him accountable making sure that he is no longer looking at the porn and he stated that he hasn’t He has no desire to look at it anymore after he realized how much it hurt me. I just miss my closeness with my husband. There is no flirting, affection during the day which I miss because I know that it’s playful way of showing love to me.
My husband and I have been married for four years. When we first got married we were intimate 2-3 times a week. In the past year and a half it’s dwindled to maybe twice a month if I’m lucky. He is 52 and tells me he’s just not interested anymore. I feel like an undesirable woman. I’ve told him this. He told me that the weight I’ve gained has turned him off. He doesn’t even try to be romantic or anything. He says he just doesn’t feel like it. I feel like our marriage is broken. We’re pretty much roommates. I don’t know what to do. He won’t talk about anything having to do with our relationship. He freezes up and says he is uncomfortable. Please help me. I’m dying inside.