What do you do when your husband thinks you have a bad sex life?
Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Here’s a really messy one from a woman whose husband has decided to withhold sex since their sex life was so bad:
Reader Question
I’m in my early 30s with two children. My marriage has not been great but not bad either, until last year September when things took a bad turn and it doesn’t seem to be getting better. My husband woke me up and asked that we talk, he told me that he is not happy, that our sex life sucks and he has not really enjoyed sex with me since marriage, never feels the emotional or spiritual connection when making love and that he can not pretend any longer and even though we still remained intimate, we haven’t had sex in 3 months now. I usually get rejected when I initiate it and now I’m too afraid to try. We were celibate throughout our courtship and I did struggle the first year of marriage to be comfortable with sex, he would complain that I was tense and not enjoying him. I did seek advice and was told to masturbate and I did and thought it improved things but to my surprise, it wasn’t good enough. I have been raped when I was young by my two cousins and it does bother me now and then. I was born again at 12 and had been celibate till marriage and now I’m so frustrated to say the least. My husband has had multiple sexual relationships before he met me and I do feel compared to the women in his past. My marriage is in shambles and each day I pray for restoration. I do sometimes turn to masturbation and feel guilty thereafter and so now try just to cross my legs and be strong.
Wow, that’s really, really sad. Let’s take a look at some big picture issues here.
Sexual baggage takes a real toll on a marriage.
There’s major sexual baggage on both sides. She has sexual abuse in her past, and he has multiple sexual partners.
That’s really, really tough. And the problem is that both sets of baggage tend to make it hard to feel intimate when you’re making love. Sexual abuse can make sex seem like a weapon, rather than a beautiful experience that makes you feel like one. Multiple sexual partners can make sex seem solely physical, and not really about emotional or spiritual intimacy.
Then you’re together, and you’re both approaching sex with different issues. Add to the mix that sex can be difficult to get used to for some women, and it can seem like a HUGE disappointment. For many couples sex takes a huge learning curve. I tell my audiences when I give my Girl Talk about sex & marriage that, as I found in the research for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, the best years for sex in marriage are years 16-24. It’s after you’ve been together for over a decade, you’ve worked through all these issues, and you’re able to be truly vulnerable. It isn’t uncommon to have some difficulties early on.
It’s quite common to make sex about his needs
We grow up in a culture that is always talking about how much men need sex and how high a sex drive men have (which is quite a hard message to hear for those women who end up marrying men with no sex drives!). We believe that a man can’t be happy until he has regular and frequent sex.
And so this couple gets married, and she has problems. She writes, “he would complain that I was tense and not enjoying him. I did seek advice…” So sex isn’t working that great for her. But how do they react to that? He complains and she seeks outside advice.
She’s denying her legitimate need to feel comfortable with sex and get used to sex because of his supposed greater need to get sexual fulfillment and release.
Their needs are at odds with each other–because they’re seeing sex as an individual thing, where “I need to get my needs met” and “it needs to match my expectations”. Even she is–the difference is that she’s seeing it as about his needs rather than her own. Sex is supposed to be easy and frequent, and when it’s not, it’s now her problem to deal with, rather than their problem to deal with.
If people saw sex as being primarily about intimacy, then this wouldn’t happen
If we could stop talking about sex as primarily being about getting needs met, and start talking about sex as primarily being a vehicle through which you feel like one, then perhaps these problems could stop. You see, if sex were primarily about intimacy and that feeling like you’re totally and utterly connected to one another, then if someone is having a hard time with sex, it becomes your problem together, not just their problem that they need to go get fixed and then come back when you have it all together.
I understand that young men tend to have very high sex drives. I understand that there are a lot of expectations around sex when you first get married. But if people were taught that sex was about both of us together, not just me getting release, then perhaps we could learn to treat each other well rather than seeing sex as one big area of entitlement.
When things get rough, it’s easy to want to give up on sex.
One other point: it may not be in good taste to share this video in a post with such a heavy and difficult email, but it encapsulates the problem from the wife’s side, too: When sex becomes a tension in a marriage, it’s easy to think that the problem lies with sex. Get rid of sex, and our issues would go away.
That’s the approach he seems to be taking, and as far as I can see there are only two motivations: Either he is unhappy that sex is not better and is trying to punish her; or he is really frustrated and has decided that the only way to save himself further pain is to shut himself off.
It’s quite common to adopt that second approach when sex just hasn’t met your expectations:
I hope we can all admit that this is a really, really bad idea. But then how do we move forward and get past this?
Most people do not understand sex well.
Most people do not understand that sex doesn’t tend to start out well. They don’t know there’s a learning curve. They certainly don’t know that women require a ton of foreplay, and that the goal is not to get her to not need foreplay anymore so that she just enjoys intercourse, like he does. The goal is to enjoy each other and help both of you feel good, in the way that you need. His experience is not the standard so that she can “catch up” and like sex as much as he does; your bodies were made differently so that both of us would learn to be giving.
This does take time, and that’s okay.
Keep talking about the real goal.
So what would I say to this couple? I did email this woman back, and I told her something like this:
Both of you had really good intentions and expectations coming into marriage. You wanted to wait and save this for marriage. And you wanted sex to be awesome.
It didn’t turn out that way–and it usually doesn’t. We all have baggage that we bring into marriage to some extent, and you guys brought a ton in. That made sex difficult.
So you now have a choice. Can you let go of your dreams and expectations of what your sex life was going to look like, and just decide to love each other well now and start a huge research project together? Can you stop seeing sex as about what you both deserve, and instead see it as a way to love each other? You married each other for a reason; you cherished each other. This is your opportunity to prove it. Cherish each other. Be giving to each other. Be gracious to each other. And be excited to start this new journey where you learn together. And together is the operative word there. You both are going to have to work to figure this whole thing out.
But maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Sex isn’t just about him and it isn’t just about her; it’s about both of you together. And when you do figure it out, it’s really quite amazing!
I then suggested to her that she do the 31 Days to Great Sex challenge with her husband.
In fact, I designed 31 Days a lot for couples just like this: Couples who want to have great sex, but who have given up or gotten discouraged. The first few challenges are basic but fun; they help you look at your goals for sex, the lies you’ve been believing about sex, and do some super fun preliminary exercises that can show that you both honestly can give each other pleasure!
Then in the next week we focus on building emotional intimacy and having fun together–how to flirt again, be affectionate, laugh together. After that, we move on to physical fireworks–how to actually have an orgasm; how to make sex feel great for both of you; how to figure out which body parts you each really like! Then we move on to spiritual intimacy and how to feel like one. We address some of the big elephants in the room and the sexual baggage you both have. We talk about how to figure out boundaries and how to make sure that porn or other things don’t wreck our marriage. And we make a plan to carry these lessons forward so we don’t lose them.
The biggest thing that people have told me after working through 31 days is that they finally were able to talk about a lot of these things and they had such breakthroughs. This is quite typical of the emails I get:
My husband and I read 31 days to great sex and started talking about sex. (we honestly read the whole book in just a few nights) We started talking and a wall was lifted in our marriage. I could literally cry typing this out.….So much has changed in 2 short months. We have sex A LOT which has healed our marriage. (we have been catching up for lost time!)
I keep the price really low–just $4.99 for the ebook, and it’s honestly a full sized book–just so that it’s accessible for people.
And I’ve divided the book up into emotional intimacy, physical intimacy and spiritual intimacy so that people learn that “this is more than physical.” It isn’t only about needs. It’s about something far deeper.
Whether you get the book or not, I hope that you can start that conversation about how to make sex about intimacy, not needs and expectations. But if you think the book can help, pick it up here!
Now I’d really love to talk about this question in the comments: Do we come into marriage thinking about sex too much as all about entitlement and needs? How can we change that conversation?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sheila, that video. That is why I love you and read you. As far as the reader’s question goes, it feels like that guy is already in the process of leaving the marriage, at least from the information in her words. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’ve been told, and have read, that to guys, sex is like pizza. There’s awesome, bad-for-you, super-delicious pizza, there’s gourmet pizza, and there’s everyday, run-of-the-mill, pizza, but it’s all still pizza, and guys love pizza, so they’re not gonna turn it down. Any validity there?
Yes, Anna, I am really concerned about this guy, and like I said, the only two motivations I can see are that he’s just really selfish and trying to punish her (in which case he really does have one foot out the door), or he’s immature and he has totally wrong expectations about sex, and is trying to preserve himself from being disappointed. I’m hoping it’s the latter, but it may be the former.
And for anyone reading this who is married to a guy taking the first approach, I just want you to know that this is not your fault. This is a character defect in him. It’s not because you couldn’t be amazing in bed right out the gate. It’s because he is self-absorbed.
This is a great comment, thank you, Sheila. I should’ve refreshed my page before bothering to comment below. There is just so much pressure (pat-answer Christianity) on women to fix their marriages, when sometimes it’s just not fixable, because of a serious character flaw in the spouse. Anyway, it’s not fixable by her.
Also, great observation, Anna. You’re probably right. And the letter-writer probably needs to start reviewing bank accounts (and e-mail accounts).
Why did he deny her? The two motivations suggested:
1. He’s just really selfish and trying to punish her (in which case he really does have one foot out the door)
–> I would add that his selfishness might not be apparent to even him. He could be pouting. Have hurt feelings from all of the past rejections he’s felt. And he’s responding in pain. It will probably take some decisive action, passion, to overcome that. I wouldn’t bother with apologies or serious talk. If she really wants to have sex … she should be super sexy. Dress it. Act it. Talk it. If he’s a guy, it will life his spirits. And other stuff.
2. Or he’s immature and he has totally wrong expectations about sex, and is trying to preserve himself from being disappointed. I’m hoping it’s the latter, but it may be the former.
–> Yes he could have expectations about sex. In his mind, and perhaps experience (we don’t know from what she said), her offer for sex might be … “I’ll lie here while you have sex with me because I know you need sex and I want to be a dutiful wife.” And so he’s like, “No thanks.”
I would further add to this. Both of your opinions are negative about him. Not really helpful. I’d say with both of them there are issues on both sides. Expectations. Poor communication. Both have their own pasts. Going back to my first point, he’s obviously not initiating right now, so if she wants to, I’d tell her to be super sexy and show him or tell him (throughout the day) that she wants to have sex. She’s thinking about him. Dressing for him. Imagining him. And she could gently let him know with gentle touches throughout the day (even non-sexual touch). They’re disconnected and need connection. A man wants to know that his wife loves him and isn’t just *willing* to have sex but really *wants* to have sex with him. He needs to know that. To believe that. To feel that.
If I were talking with him I would give other advice. Pursue her. Let her see how much you want her and need her. Let your passion for her go wild. When you feel like quitting or giving up … pursue her all the more. Break outside your box or normal routine with her, with how you pursue her.
And … the talk … “Let’s talk about how we’re not having enough sex” … is a total mood-kill. Let’s have a nagging conversation about how you don’t meet my sexual needs.
They need to fix the brokenness in their relationship, probably dealing with their communication in general. It sounds like they need to break out of the mundane and have some adventure together, they need to be swept up in a purpose together. Travel. Serving others. Accomplishing something. An adventure. And they need to ignite the fire. Build romance. Work out together. Go for a walk together. Get their blood pumping. And be physical together with each other and then engage in other workouts together. Any time thoughts of their “past” come back … push that out of their minds, learn to redirect their thoughts elsewhere, and enjoy each other.
My thoughts.
“Now I’d really love to talk about this question in the comments: Do we come into marriage thinking about sex too much as all about entitlement and needs?”
My first thought was: no, that wasn’t like that for me. But actually, in the first years of marriage I was filling in gaps between sex occasions with secret masturbation. So I guess I did feel that orgasm is a “need” for men and that men are “entitled” to obtain it even at the cost of being disrespectful and dishonest towards their wives.
So I suppose this sense of need and entitlement can unfortunately come in many forms and is very wide-spread. Men “demanding” sex as a right and as an obligation for the wife is probably just one of the many ways in which that idea can insidiously sneak in.
Yes, I’m afraid it is. I wish we could talk up intimacy in the same way. I think we don’t because people are afraid that if we stress intimacy, then wives (it’s mostly wives) will think that they don’t need frequent sex. But I think the opposite is true. If we present sex in a healthy way, I think we’d boost everybody’s libidos!
Maybe intimacy just takes time, and requires effort to be built, and that’s why the best sex generally comes after X years of marriage. Maybe a young marriage needs to go through some mistakes, like a young child, in order to grow strong.
I think that’s likely very true. But I don’t think we tell couples that enough! We stress the “honeymoon years”, whereas for most people there’s very little honeymoon! It comes later. But because of this belief that it’s great right off the bat, I think people go through way bigger disappointments and disillusionments than they should. We need to tell young people that it just keeps getting better!
This confirms something that came to my mind last week. How many of marriage problems are from a him vs her mentality? Instead of being told and taught how to walk with each other we are set up with information and traditional thinking that pits us against each other. I believe in the bible’s views on marriage but some of the ways it is taught seems to intensify this him vs her dynamic instead of creating oneness and unity.
My husband and I have been married for20 years and are just figuring a lot of this out thanks to your writings.
Colleen, I think that’s very good insight. The main point of Jesus’ teachings is living in unity and serving, and yet we have turned it into duties that each must perform for each other. It’s not that we shouldn’t do things for each other, but when we teach that marriage is about getting needs met instead of about experiencing true intimacy and unity we set people up against each other, just like you said.
I do think that’s very true about having a team mindset. My husband and I were very lucky to have a mentor couple who stressed this with us when we were dating and later engaged. It’s made a huge difference in our relationship.
I like the pizza analogy LOL. We left the best pizza in the North East United States a few years ago. Now we are left with medocre Pizza down South. Every time we go back North a Pizza travels back with us if it makes it that far lol. Grace and I have been stuck on day 3 of Sheila’s book for probably 2 months now. I joke with her that we are on a path for 31 years to great sex. The thing is, that after working just “3 days” all the walls in our marriage are down. GONE That is really all I ever wanted. All these years. The guy chasing sex – All I wanted was to be known and to know as Sheila writes. Yes, the sex is great. As a matter of fact, We are only on day 3 and the sex is better than any sex addict sex I ever had. I can’t begin to imagine what it will be like when we get through the book. I have been pushing Grace pretty hard over the summer here and I decided to back off and see what happens. She is just not going to initiate going further in the book. That is ok. We still own it lol. We will get to it. I know there is so much more out there if we keep working it. I don’t just mean the sex either. The relationship. Life……together….with God…and Jesus 🙂
Oh, Phil, I love this! I really do. (Although I had to go back and check what Day 3 was. 🙂 ).
Thats funny Sheila. kissing! Day 2 was not so fun but really helped us work it out. (You can look that one up too haha) I will remind people that while your book was a catalyst for us, we have been working on our marriage for a long time. So I am grateful for your book and it is awesome, However we didnt just read it and go “OK” All is good now. It has been a long process for me and Grace. God just put us in line with you and your resources at just the right time. He works that way 😬
I’m not sure if I’m just feeling extra cynical today, but this letter particularly bothers me:
“I’m in my early 30s with two children….
“My husband woke me up..” – So, they have 2 kids, and husband is *waking her up* from presumably much-needed sleep. That’s cruel. It must be really, really urgent right?
He “asked that we talk, he told me that he is not happy, that our sex life sucks and he has not really enjoyed sex with me since marriage, never feels the emotional or spiritual connection when making love and that he can not pretend any longer…”
– No, it’s NOT urgent. He woke her up to tell her she’s NOT GOOD ENOUGH IN BED.
“But how do they react to that? He complains and she seeks outside advice. ”
Yuck, yuck, yuck. So much of that nowadays. Such a great observation. If I tweeted, I’d tweet that. Conservative Christian(esque) culture has gone from “Put on your big-girl panties, woman! Don’t complain; some women have it much worse!” into “Put on your big-girl panties, woman, and fix that marriage your own self!”
I guess one obvious question is, does the husband know that she was raped? That might help his perspective. But if he does, man, what a blow for her. Whether or not he does, I think this woman needs counselling. She needs help w/ her healing. She needs to be told (probably a lot) that she doesn’t deserve either what happened to her or the current treatment from her husband.
Mina, I agree there are a lot of red flags here. I wrote a post a while back about husbands waking her up for sex, and how weird and wrong that can be. I want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, but there are some definite things in her letter that do worry me.
I wanted to ask if the 31 days of great sex is available in another language or is it only in English? Can I buy it from Europe?
I really believe it can be a blessing our marriage.
But . . . the problem ISN’T that this guy thinks sex is just about the physical! Quite the reverse, in fact. His complaint is not that his physical needs aren’t being met, but rather that the emotional and spiritual connection is lacking. Who here could say they would be truly satisfied with sex with a partner who never seems comfortable with you, who never seems to enjoy spending intimate time with you, who’s never happy or enthusiastic? Only if you’re really, REALLY sex-starved would you be happy with that, but even then, that would not satisfy for long, if that was the ONLY kind of sex you could get. That kind of sex is like eating celery: it leaves you feeling even hungrier afterwards that you felt before. You’re better off with nothing than with that, which is EXACTLY why he stopped having sex with her! It’s not the best response, but it makes sense. If he didn’t, then she would never know the true depth of the problem, and it would just get worse and worse and never get addressed or resolved.
In short, his complaint is a legitimate one. I don’t think you’re being quite fair to him, by saying he’s being selfish and entitled and not caring about her needs. His need for reciprocity is normal and healthy, and, most importantly, unfulfilled. He deserves some of the blame for this mess, but certainly not ALL of it.
I truly want to agree w/ you, but husband was complaining about her response in bed straight out of the gate. He wants a woman who responds in a certain way (either like a previous lover – or the way he remembers that lover; or like a porn actress). It’s not that she doesn’t want him sexually, and it’s not that she’s not sexually responsive, because she does, and sought help for her responsiveness, and seeks him. So she IS sexually responsive (getting help, taking advice, and initiating sex are all most definitely being sexually responsive). He’s still blaming her. The lack of spiritual connection might be real, but HE needs to deal, not blame her for it. I think it’s also interesting that of all things, he chose spiritual connection to be his primary complaint, because it’s one thing she truly can have no control over, and yet using the word “spiritual” can make him seem (in some minds) as less carnal than he is. And she can’t do anything about it. Because it’s not about what she does or doesn’t do. No apology, no lingerie, no amount of frequency on her part is going to address that – but somehow the onus to fix the sexual dysfunction is still on her.
Yes, I should have explained more about my reaction, but I think Mina’s right. It’s the fact that sex was obviously painful for her in the beginning, and instead of seeing it as a problem they should deal with together, he was angry and told her to get help. Again, it’s because his needs weren’t being met.
Now, we’re only hearing one side of the story. But I find it very difficult that a guy who simply yearned for more connection would turn down his wife when she obviously wants to have sex and make love and feel close. If he wants that connection on a truly intimate level, then he would be trying to cultivate it in their relationship. If his motivation were truly to feel close to her, then he might say, “I think we should take a sexual hiatus for a while so that we can figure out how to grow our friendship, or how to help each other feel loved without the tension of sex.” But he’s not saying that. He’s just rejecting her and withdrawing, and telling her it’s her fault because sex isn’t good.
These aren’t the actions of someone who truly wants to feel intimate.
Indeed, that would be the reasonable response for him to have, agreed! Unfortunately, people aren’t always reasonable. No one’s perfect. While I’m certainly not condoning his jerkish behavior, I still think you have characterized him unfairly. He’s not handling this problem well, true. But I don’t think his handling things badly necessarily indicates that his expressed desire for emotional and spiritual connection is a sham. It may just means he’s human, and flawed, and that he’s just as inexperienced in this “being married” thing as his wife, or any other couple in their first few years of marriage. Mistakes are made. Feelings get hurt. Marriage is HARD. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it! It only works if everyone involved is willing to extend grace and give the benefit of a doubt.
But yeah, waking her up to tell her that WAS creepy. It could have waited, that seems more a weird power play than anything else.
I’m surprised no one has mentioned how she was the victim of sexual abuse. Did she get therapy/counseling for it? Did she tell him before they got married? Can’t tell from the post, but if not, I can’t see how this would not have a bad effect on their sex life.
If she never got treatment, and she never told him, and because of it it makes sexual intimacy difficult for her (note seems to indicate this), and it never comes to light, and nothing is down about it, the husband might become frustrated because of it, because he doesn’t know the truth.
It could be that she did get therapy, did address it, and he did know, and is acting this way, not being sensitive to his wife’s past of abuse and the difficulties involved with it – if that is true, then the guy is just a jerk.
But if she didn’t get therapy/counseling, and didn’t tell him, and it is affecting the way she relates to her husband sexually, all he sees is that there is a problem, it doesn’t seem to be getting better, and nothing is being done (there isn’t mention of them working on any problems), then I can see how he would get frustrated. Am I wrong here? He’s handling it wrong, maybe, but since we don’t know the details, how can we say anything about it?
She was raped by her cousins, people! I cannot believe that you haven’t made more of a big deal of this in the article and the comments, Sheila, and I am really surprised not to see many others commenting on it. In the post you talk about ‘major sexual baggage’ on both sides…multiple partners on one, and (I think?) childhood rape on the other, as if they are equal amounts of baggage!
I am thinking that she probably hasn’t gone through therapy (her language when talking about the rape just doesn’t come across as having had therapy).
I can only imagine that being raped by family members (who you most likely trusted) would make it incredibly difficult to experience sexual intimacy and the spiritual and emotional connection that the husband is asking for. I just honestly cannot understand how you can just gloss over this HUGE issue, and then talk about his multiple sexual partners as if that was the main thing going on here.
And we don’t even know if the husband knows about the rape. I think that this piece of information would completely change the way advice would be given in the situation.
Having said all that, I do think you are on point with the general advice regarding how marriage is looked at as ‘what can I get out of it’ rather than ‘what can I give my spouse’, and I think the church has pushed this view in its attempt to stop premarital sex, there are so many messages about how waiting will make it awesome, but they don’t tell you that it might take 10-15 years to get to that ‘awesome sex’! And then couples are left feeling like there is something wrong with them after their honeymoon doesn’t work as planned…when it’s a completely normal thing to go through a process of discovery.
Thanks Sheila for being a safe place for those couples, and helping to spread the information, and giving practical tools such as the 31 days to great sex book. You are most certainly a blessing to us all.
This is all true. She is carrying an immense burden, and you can’t tell from the information given if she’s carrying it alone.
E, I think that’s a really good point about not being sure the husband knew about the rape. I was assuming that he did and he was still acting like this; that’s actually a pretty big assumption.
So let me say this, too: If you do have something really big in your background, you really do need to tell your spouse so that they understand what’s going on. If your spouse doesn’t take it well, or still demands things or gets angry (Mark Driscoll, for instance, was angry at his wife for being abused, as he recorded in Real Marriage), then that tells a whole lot about your spouse that’s important to know. But our spouses can’t help us unless they do know.
I’m still of the opinion that regardless, there’s something very wrong here with how he’s acting. Someone who really yearns for emotional and spiritual connection, as he says, doesn’t just cut himself off from his wife in every way. He chases her as much as he can. So I really don’t think that’s what’s going on. I know so many guys who are sexually deprived on this blog and they would never, ever do this, because what they really yearn for is the connection. So I find his words hard to believe.
“Someone who really yearns for emotional and spiritual connection, as he says, doesn’t just cut himself off from his wife in every way. He chases her as much as he can. So I really don’t think that’s what’s going on. I know so many guys who are sexually deprived on this blog and they would never, ever do this, because what they really yearn for is the connection. So I find his words hard to believe.”
I’m not so sure this is true.
I pursued my wife for 20+ years, despite the constant rejections, and being in a sexless relationship(6-8 times a year or less). I got tired of the rejection and pain, and I just gave up, and for 3 years, swore to do nothing, no pursuit at all.
I told myself if she would ask, I would do it, but it would just be duty sex, no more, no less. But I knew she never would (and she didn’t not only never ask, but never even asked if anything was going on since I stopped asking). I completely shutdown, because I didn’t want to be hurt again and again and again.
Wrong, yeah, but thats what happened. Not sure if thats what happening here, but I can see a point where letting sex occur after so much sexlessness or bad sex, is just another twist of the knife – and it would be me doing the twisting by letting it happen, a form of self harm I just couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t until a year ago that I finally said enough, and demanded we go to counseling.
So I could see it happening. Again, not enough info. If she was frigid or nearly sexless or not involved due to her abuse, (and understandably so), and it went on for years without change, I could see this happening. But again, we just don’t know.
“Now I’d really love to talk about this question in the comments: Do we come into marriage thinking about sex too much as all about entitlement and needs? How can we change that conversation?”
I’ve only been married 5 months, but I remember saying to my husband on my honeymoon: “I think I should write a book for Christian girls about sex, because it is NOTHING like they teach you!”
I think I was on to something. I’m addressing issues now because from my teenage years the “relationship talks” at youth group and then at students groups at college, the books that were recommended for me to read by the pastors, the websites I read in preparation for marriage… they all lied!!!
They lied because they led me to believe that all marriages are the same; they never acknowledged that every person is individual and just because MOST men like certain things does not guarantee that my husband will!
Bear in mind that I was also hit with a barrage of conflicting information from the media – masturbation improves sex, men like certain body types, it’s healthy to explore sex outside of marriage…
I suggest we change the conversation early on by changing the “relationship talks.” Here’s some things I’d change:
“The media is bad because it leads us to idolise sex” to “The media lies, do not trust it. You were made in God’s image and in truth not every guy fancies every supermodel.”
“Sex in movies is inaccurate because it makes you think extra marital sex is alright” to “Sex in movies is inaccurate because it only shows the highlights, and can never prepare you for reality”
“Men need more sex than women so you might need to think about sex during the day to get yourself in the mood” to “Every man is different so there’s no point trying to prepare yourself for what he might desire – focus on getting close to God because he definitely will appreciate that quality.”
“Masturbating is wrong because it makes sex about your release” to “Masturbating is unhelpful because it’s training your body to respond to yourself not your husband.”
Perhaps I just got some awful teaching, and I hope that things have improved!
I love that–I think those are all great improvements!
Grace, you’re right. Christians teach sex in some really twisted ways. The end goal seems only to be, “Keep those kids from having sex at all costs!” So the emphasis is all disease and unwanted pregnancy, and guys are pigs and will try to take advantage of you. Or, girls are sluts and will try to take advantage of you. Nobody says things like, sex can be really messy, and your body will do things and make noises and respond in ways you can’t control, and it’s okay. And you might have to work on enjoying it, especially if you’re female, and if you’re male, you’re definitely gonna have to start paying attention to other things to enjoy about sex besides orgasm, and you’re gonna have to get rid of a task-oriented mindset.
And looking back on thirty years of sex, some of it is gonna be really mediocre, some of it will be remarkably…well, bad, like should we really have done it in that tiny backseat in that deserted park in February? Maybe not! And sex after babies…another thing entirely. In fact, don’ t get too comfortable about relying on doing things a certain way, because sooner or later, one of you will have a body change or life change that will necessitate making adjustments. But you look back on the whole, not the parts, and it’s the big picture that stays with you. Were you with a person who was on your side, and who was willing to flex with you, and be about everything in the marriage, not just the sex or the playing or the highlights?
I love what you’ve said here, Grace!