Can your husband admit his faults to you? Can he come to you with his struggles?
Are you a safe place for your husband? I was thinking about this recently listening to a friend tell me her story. And it reminded me of a post I wrote a year and a half ago that most you likely haven’t seen. I think it’s worth running it again, so here goes:
One of the best things about marriage is that you have each other’s backs.
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
That’s beautiful–when one falls, one picks the other one up.
But early in my marriage, if Keith fell, he had to pretend he didn’t. He might come home bruised and bleeding, but he had to pretend everything was okay, because I couldn’t handle any of his weaknesses.
Now, we weren’t struggling with major areas of sin. It was just more sexual frustration on his part. But if he voiced any of that to me, then I would start thinking about how all men are perverts and about how he only wanted me for one thing. Like I explained in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, the way I was thinking was hurting our marriage and driving my husband away from me.
How Can 9 Thoughts Help My Marriage?
Sometimes the reason our marriages won’t grow is because we’re thinking about the marriage—and the problem—all wrong.
That’s what happened early in my marriage.
And in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I show you 9 thought patterns that can change everything. And it’s not always about becoming nicer. Often it’s just about recognizing what is GOOD.
That may mean learning to confront sin. It may mean learning to own our own issues. But it always means learning to grow together, not apart.
Here’s what I’ve seen again and again on this blog, from commenters and from people who email me: husbands admit something wrong, like porn use or being tempted to look at other women, and we wives hit the ceiling. We are absolutely devastated, and even if he tries to make it better, we can’t get over it. We’re convinced that our husband is evil, or that he’s a pervert, too.
And then something that could have been dealt with and worked through gets blown up so much that it does end up wrecking trust. So how can we do things differently?
When your husband admits to a sin, especially a sexual one, OF COURSE you will be hurt.
Absolutely. As his wife, you have the privileged position of being the only object of his sexual desire. If he violates that, you will be hurt.
But let me ask you this: In that hurt, can you keep perspective?
Let me tell you about a couple I know in their early 30s. They’re a ton of fun, they’re very open with each other about everything, and they have no secrets. He has struggled with pornography before and during their marriage, but he’s come through it and he’s doing his best to stay faithful.
Nevertheless, his eyes have always wandered. When he sees a beautiful woman, he looks.
But he doesn’t want to. And his wife knows he doesn’t want to. So if they’re out in public and his eyes–or his head–start turning, she touches his arm or his leg and just whispers, “eyes”. And he immediately turns to her and smiles, and, if he’s close enough, he gives her a kiss. And he whispers “I love you.”
Her husband is on the road to recovery with his battle with lust. He’s in an accountability group. He talks about it openly. And his wife is his greatest ally in that.
In those moments when his head turns (and it turns much less frequently now than it used to!), she could say to herself,
he’s never going to get over this, he doesn’t find me attractive, he’s always going to lust over other women,
and she could get angry and grow distance between them.
Or, she could take her current approach. She could say to herself,
I know my husband loves me and that this is just a struggle for him. I know he doesn’t intend to do this and he doesn’t want to hurt me. So I’m going to help him.
This approach, of course, only works because her husband is grateful for it and is open about his struggle. There have been so many heartbreaking stories on this blog from women whose husbands did not want to stop looking at other women or did not think porn was wrong, and that is an entirely different situation.
But I do think that if husbands know that they can admit a temptation or a weakness without their wives becoming irate, then more people could talk about things before they got out of hand.
How Do You Become a Safe Place for Your Husband?
Keep perspective! If you find out something bad about him, like he was watching porn or struggling with lust or even texting another woman, ask yourself, “Is this who my husband wants to be, or is he struggling with something that he does want to fight against?”
If your husband is struggling, then fight with him.
Draw some boundaries so that it won’t happen again (like getting Covenant Eyes on your computers and devices or sharing passwords on your phone or changing his phone number), but then be on his side.
If he’s only upset that he got caught using porn, however, and doesn’t think you have a reason to be upset, then it’s best to bring in a third party or talk to someone else about how to walk through this.
But if he honestly wants to stop, then tell yourself: this sin and struggle is not bigger than our marriage and does not define my husband. And together we can beat it!
Confront your own insecurities.
When I got married I had a LOT of rejection issues. So whenever Keith would get upset about something I would go into “he’s going to leave me!” mode, and that made it harder for him to bring up conversations we really needed to have. You may have issues, too, that make it harder for your husband to bring up some stuff. If you’ve got negative views of sex, for instance, or really feel like “men only want one thing”, then if he confesses something, you’re likely going to react out of your own hurt and not only to what he’s saying.
So fill your head with truth!
You may feel that God created sex just for men and that all men are perverts. But your head may know that God created sex for you, too, and that it’s not wrong if guys want sex. So when those feelings come over you, start reciting back the truth you know. Fight back!
Take time to digest news.
For me, this would be the hardest one. If your husband confesses something that has the potential to blow up your marriage, it’s likely a good idea to not hash it all through right then. Take a few days to process with a girlfriend, to tell yourself truth about your husband and your marriage, and to figure out what you’re going to do.
Those days are important for two reasons: sometimes women are so desperate to save the marriage that they “forgive” too easily–they say, “it’s all right, everything will be all right, we’ll move forward from here.” Often people learn by experiencing the consequences of their actions, and they need to feel the pain of doing something wrong. By taking a few days, you help give perspective that, “no, this wasn’t okay, and we do need to figure out how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
But then there’s the opposite problem, when women are so upset that they make it sound like the marriage has ended, when it hasn’t. Take some time to process and pray, and then you can figure out what the next rebuilding steps are (and sometimes rebuilding means drawing some major boundaries!).
Most problems in marriage can be solved if both parties are willing to work at it.
I once had a marriage mentor tell me that if both people are willing to work at a marriage, 95% of problems can be solved, no matter how big those problems are. But if only one person is willing to work at it, then less than half of problems can be solved, no matter how small.
If your husband messed up, it’s easy to say that it’s his fault if the marriage is on the rocks.
But if he’s willing to work at it and willing to change, then the ball is back in your court. Are you going to work with your husband, or are you going to stay upset?
Does that make sense? I know that if a guy isn’t willing to work at it there really is nothing you can do except for pray, but if a guy is willing to work, then let’s not make it worse. That’s all I mean. I hope that’s not a harsh thing to say. Let me know in the comments what you think!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Unfortunately, I cannot. Not only would my wife blow up, but because we are in a sexless marriage due to her choices, she would blow up even more, saying that its my fault for not being able to control myself.
so I have a catch-22. I’m in a sexless marriage, not by my choice, so I struggle with temptation. I can’t go to my wife for support, because, quite frankly, she could care less about sex or intimacy. So if I do fail and come to her, I’m in even worse trouble. How do I know this? Because I have tried to do this in the past, and paid a heavy price for it.
So I keep any struggles to myself. Wrong, yes. Difficult, yes. Makes things worse, probably. But I’m alone in this part of this marriage, so thats the way it has to be.
This is an honest question from someone who isn’t married — why are you still in this relationship? What is keeping you still married to her when she has literally shut herself down from you?
Praying for you, brother.
Nope. Nope, nope, nope. I can anticipate the direction these comments are going to go, but I don’t care. This is wrong to expect this of a spouse. Let me give you an example why. Let’s flip this around. As a woman, let’s say I struggle with anger. I frequently have to fight the urge to hit my husband on the head with a frying pan. So every time I’m tempted to, I’m going to say, “Honey, I’m feeling the urge to whack you hard on the head. Please help me not to want to.” What do you think that’s going to turn into before very long? Think I’m going to be blaming someone else for my horrible behavior?
That’s a great question, Anna, but I think the answer would be, No, that’s not blaming someone else for your behaviour. But it is saying, “I need your help.”
Keith is my biggest ally in a lot of my struggles. When he sees that I’m honestly trying to change something–whether it’s working too hard at night, or earlier in our parenting when I would go off the deep end and get enmeshed with Katie’s emotions, or something, if I were to say, “I’m struggling with this, and I want to do X. If you find me not doing X, can you remind me gently of what I’ve decided to do?”
He even helped me when I had to make some major diet changes.
Again, it depends on the heart of the person. If he’s saying, “I’m watching porn and it’s your fault, so you need to change so I can stop,” that’s entirely different from, “I’m struggling with porn so I’m going to get accountability, and I would so appreciate it if you could help me keep busy in the evenings and help me follow through with what I so want to do.”
Do you see the difference? I think we can help each other, and we’re supposed to help each other.
But you’re absolutely right that blaming someone else if we don’t follow through with our commitments is wrong.
Or let’s not even make it about sin. Let’s say your husband is simply scared about losing his job. And he’s scared about his ability to provide.
Is he able to come to you and admit a weakness, or, when he admits a weakness, do you feel threatened and blow up at him?
In other words, when our husbands reach out and ask for help, how do we tend to react? For Keith and me it’s usually not a sin issue, as much as it is that I don’t always react well to his fears or insecurities. I’ve had to learn to be a safe place for him.
Sometimes when someone else is struggling it triggers something in us, and we react to that trigger rather than what is actually going on in front of us. I think we need to be a safe place for each other if we’re going to feel intimate.
(But again, as I said in the post, this really is only possible if the spouse who IS struggling takes full responsibility for their actions and honestly wants to change).
But Sheila, you are talking about spouses who struggle with things that don’t directly affect the other spouse and their identity and self-esteem. You be someone’s “safe place” for porn addiction for more than three decades and tell me what it does to you. And yes, he meets all your repentance criteria.
Oh, Anna, I’m so sorry! Three decades is a LONG time. Has he actually gone to a Celebrate Recovery group? Has he actually gone to therapy? He really should have made some progress by now, and that isn’t okay. We all have some thorns in the flesh that never go away, but we should be growing more and more like Christ if we belong to Jesus. We should be showing more fruits of the Spirit.
Even if it’s not a specifically recovery group, are you both involved in any small groups that honestly challenge you, or is he involved in any men’s groups? Maybe he just needs some serious spiritual growth in his life, and maybe that’s the conversation that needs to be had–you need to take God seriously.
I don’t know. One thing I have found, though, is that when we have a major weakness, sometimes our entire spiritual focus comes around that weakness. And then instead of putting Jesus in the center, we’re putting porn in the center. That doesn’t actually help. Whatever we focus on expands. Perhaps how you could be a safe place for him isn’t so much in supporting him about porn but in being firm and pushing him to really see God for all of who He is–not just someone who is there to help with the porn.
Because seriously–three decades is a long time with no growth. Maybe there’s a need to focus on Jesus and get back to basics!
Yep, he’s done Celebrate Recovery (until the one church in town doing it pulled back because it was putting too much extra strain and work on their staff), he’s done professional Christian counseling (until we ran out of money for it), he’s done accountability partners (although I have very little trust in any OTHER guy any more. Generally they abandon the relationship after a few months…hello! 70% of Christian guys have their own porn issues!) and he’s done secular 12 step groups like SAA, which have seemed to be the most helpful. He’s even gone to AA and NA meetings when there was nothing else to go to. Yes, I think he hates himself sufficiently. Still, he’s never had 12 consecutive sober months.
Seeing God for all of who he really is? Not sure I know anymore.
I’m sorry, Anna. I’m just so sorry for your pain. I wonder if you could talk to a counselor about setting up some clear boundaries and consequences? I think at this point you need to make a decision, and it’s a tough one. Are you prepared to live with this for the rest of your life, and not let it bother you, or do you want to say enough is enough? I talked about that choice in this post on husbands going to strip clubs. It’s not a nice question and it’s not a nice answer, but I think constantly hoping that things will change, and getting upset when they don’t, isn’t really a good option after thirty years. Again, I’m so sorry!
Yep, I read your post. I made my choice a long time ago. I don’t have a job, I have three kids, one of whom is special needs, and one of whom has significant medical issues. But… I don’t beat myself up about my anger, and I don’t judge other spouses about their anger.
Anna – I think your point is that you are not responsible for his behavior. I agree. I am responsible for my behavior. Honestly, I am not even a fan of Covenant Eyes that Sheila promotes here. My attitude is that it is not the computers responsibility or my wife or some one else’s responsibility to keep me in check. At the end of the day I need to know how to use the computer for what it is meant for. but I know a ton of guys who use it and it works. However, my wife wants to help me. So she chooses to help me when she sees I am struggling. She knows I want to recover. She knows I don’t want that. She understands that even though I screwed up the results are difficult to overcome. The key word is choice. I am grateful that my wife chose to help me. Today I can talk to her about everything. EVERYTHING. She accepts me for who I am. I make phone calls to guys I help with sex addiction right in front of her today. Some of those phone calls I need to leave the room for the better of us both and the respect for the person on the phone. Sometimes she will say don’t answer that if its one of your needy people. She is telling me I need to be present for her. The point is, that she helps me. We are a team. It is so awesome.
That’s an interesting point about Covenant Eyes, Phil. I actually think of it as a short-term thing. I think there are three stages that you need: Covenant Eyes or filters; accountability; counselling and group therapy and spiritual growth. The last is what you REALLY need for heart change, and once you have that heart change, then you should be okay. But initially, when you first disclose, you may need Covenant Eyes UNTIL you can get that growth. It’s kind of like something that just prepares the way so that you can do the real work.
Sort of like if someone’s trying to lose weight they have to throw all the cookies and chips and cakes out of the house. But once they’ve developed new habits and see food in a different way, they can be around that again without eating it. But initially they don’t have the will power or self-control because they haven’t addressed the habits and reasons that food has control over them.
So getting rid of the potential for seeing porn isn’t the end goal; it’s just what prepares the way so that you can do the real work, which is what actually matters.
Phil, I think you are right about Covenant Eyes and other such filters in that there will be no real, permanent change until there is heart change, and no matter how many accountability things there are, if there is not a heart change, the sinner will ALWAYS find a way around it. I speak from experience.
I think Sheila is right when she says that getting closer to Jesus is the more permanent answer, because when you are in a really close relationship with Him, you will become transformed by the Holy Spirit and will want to do the right thing.
This is what happened to me, I have a LOT of sexual sin in my pre-saved past, but over the past couple of years, I have grown and grown in my relationship with Christ, and the issues that I struggled so greatly with a few years ago are barely even on the radar any more. I do try to make wise, godly choices about certain situations that could trigger me, but these choices don’t actually feel like a hardship these days, and choosing the wise thing is actually the preferable thing for me these day…it’s no longer a case of ‘I really want to go out drinking and dancing, but I am going to choose wisely and suffer a boring evening at home instead’, these days I would MUCH prefer to spend an evening at home with my family than head to a bar. I think maybe this is what is meant by the Psalm 37:4 ‘delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart’…when I was in sin, I would have wanted to keep sinning, but now that I am in Christ, my desires are to follow Him as closely as possible.
I really think the answer lies in emphasising ‘more God’ rather than ‘less sin’, because the more God is in your life, the less room and desire there is for sin.
Thanks E – I want to say that while I am not a fan of Covenant Eyes I think it is a useful tool and that I see it work for some. I choose not is all. I had a guy who I now work with ask me to be his eyes 2 weeks ago. I am hard nosed and I told him that he can certainly use the tool, but I am not going to be his accountability partner. I am not responsible for his sobriety. I have 3 kids and wonderful loving wife. I don’t have time to look at emails with website addresses on it and determine if the guy is acting out or not. I don’t coddle the guys I work with. I actually hit em pretty hard. I do so in a positive manner by pulling positive from their garbage. I am a fan of any tool that helps someone stop looking at porn or helps them with a change of heart. This blog is an awesome tool and resource. I don’t think Sheila realizes what she has here. It is bigger than she thinks it is. I am here today because Sheila is a part of my story on how I found Jesus. I just want to give back. Jesus is the true answer for sure as you mention. For me I had to work the Law of Moses first then I found the Law of the Holy Spirit. There are debates on this theological path out there. However, that is how it went down for me. Today life is great! I am so blessed and I am happy to be free. Thanks for sharing brother. Thanks for walking with me.
HI Anna – I want to share a story of hope with you today. I hope you will return here to see it. I help men who are recovering from sex addiction. I am one as well. This man I am helping has a wife who by my accounts is absolutely crazy. She has history of sex abuse from when she was a child and she is also in AA. She emotionally abuses her sex addict husband who I have been trying to help since July. This man has stayed sober through it all. He has worked hard. He has put up with some really crazy situations. She has said some really nasty stuff to him. But he loved his wife through it all. Hard as it has been. He is only sober since July 4th. Some how they made it to a therapist and TRUCK LOAD of crap came out and she spewed hatred at this man for his addiction but she spilled some big stuff that now has child services involved. Their oldest child has become just like the man who abused her when she was a child. They have 7 kids and one on the way. The oldest sexually abused some of their other children. They had to kick him out. She is so scared. It is a train wreck of all sorts. Today I saw the husband at our meeting. When he got home from the meeting this morning his wife came up to him and GAVE HIM A HUGE HUG and started crying and said PLEASE DONT GIVE UP. Anna. This is why I do what I do. To be part of this. Why me? God is helping this couple. Obviously there is TON of work yet to be done. This is only a very small part of the healing process that could still go the wrong way. The man has 3 months of sobriety and while the wife hasn’t been drinking there seems to be very little stability in her life. But the hope has now fired up this man. He is so excited. He is FIRED up to be sober. I am fired up for this guy and his wife. He is trying and she is trying and God is showing them. The Hope Anna. PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP. Peace
For Anna,
Sounds like the pornography is a symptom of a.much deeper issue than lust…
Look into Adam Young Counselling and encourage your husband to understand more about his story, and especially I think there is a podcast about unwanted sexual behaviour.
Praise God that your husband is wanting to be open with you, but the end goal is not simply being a listening ear, but to do battle together with Christ and to stand against the enemy’s hold.
God can bring freedom, but I feel there is more than simply the temptation of pornography. And even if there were no visuals anymore, the deeper issue will always be there until he had freedom in Christ from whatever hold the enemy seems to think he is entitled to.
May you know God’s strength in this battle, and see the glory of Christ as He sets your marriage free.
Christ has not given up on you, and He is faithful.
Thank you for this post. As a man who confessed to my wife about my use of porn I can really attest the importance of a wife that helps her husband. And also about not forgiving that easy. The last time I confessed to my wife she wanted to do like she always does. Get angry and sad and then stop talking about it but I thank God i started to talk about my hurt because a big part of my porn use was connected to how hurt I felt by her rejection. What I didn’t know because she didn’t tell me was that she rejected me because of my porn use. She never explained how she felt and I was to selfish to ask. i She just got quiet. I actually fell two times after i confessed because she shut down and didn’t say anything. But then I brought up my feelings for the first time. I was scared because I never did that before. I didn’t feel safe to do that but encouraged by a marriage group on Reddit I told her and that when she told me everything and I who thought that I was the victim realized that I was the villain. All of this really opened my eyes to what I was doing and it has been a great help in my fight from porn . I am so thankful for God that we finally talked and I’m so thankful that after these hard days with a lot of crying and sadness she is now willing to work on us. Even the rejection part. She is getting better at being affectionate with me.
I still have to learn to communicate with her . It’s been a while without sex and it’s not that I miss porn because i don’t and am thankful for that but I do miss sex. And I don’t know how to communicate this to her. I have told her that I will wait for as long as she wants because I betrayed her trust but she has been giving me hints, I’m just to afraid to ask.
So thank you for this post. I need to remember that she is my safe place where I can come and by coming to her I can get help to become the man God wants me to be.
Thank you for this post. I really wish I had had this knowledge when my husband first confessed to me. I was very hard on him and made things worse by policing him. I really didn’t understand it as a weakness, I just saw the betrayal and my pain. I think we’d have a better relationship now if I’d been more open to hearing his insecurity that led to the porn use. Now we’re working on becoming safe spaces for one another. There’s still a lot of distrust.
I’m glad you’re on the right road now, Monica!
And policing him really doesn’t work that well, does it? I think when a guy first confesses, he DEFINITELY needs an accountability partner, but that should very rarely be the wife. You can’t necessarily handle all the details–nor should you. It’s easier to be a support when you know that some other guy is his partner and if he messes up, that other guy will seriously read him the riot act!
The description of the wife “interfering in the moment” worked for me. My wife has helped me stay on track with that kind of intervention in the past. Today it is not needed so much. I keep myself in check. I actually can’t recall the last time she had to do it. I know of a recent event where I actually sought her out to distract myself! We don’t have to talk about it. We both just know. The willingness on both parts is the key I see here. This article also reminded me of Beccas book too. She talks about parents punishing their kids and trust. The fear of the other person not trusting you. So what I am saying is if the guy gets honest and goes to his wife for help and she blows up on him then trust is further down the toilet. Of course what he did is wrong and not trustful. Yes there is work to be done But the natural consequences are his punishment. I often see the woman wanting to punish the husband. Trust me I get it! It still doesn’t make it right. By the grace of God Grace stood by me the best she could and did not punish me but rather helped me because I wanted to be helped. I wanted to share a fun story today too. A friend of mine brought a baby girl into the world yesterday. It was fun to talk to him along the path during his wife’s labor. We laughed pretty good about him thinking he was going to get sleep on the pull out couch bed thingy they have lol. Baby Zoe is here. Have a great day everyone.
Thank you, Phil! Trust is so key in any relationship, and we really have to treat it with the care it deserves. Absolutely!
Congratulations on your friend’s daughter! Samantha, who helps with all of my newsletters, had her baby yesterday, too. Another little girl! (The only problem is that it’s making Rebecca want to move up the date when she and Connor have kids!)
Something else that can help with temptation for us men.
Our wives trusting us with themselves with frequent intimacy and intimate actions.
It’s really not so much a temptation when you know you have an awesome life at home and your wife is filling your mental rolodex with herself constantly.
What do you say to encourage a husband who’s making progress but is incredibly laden with guilt?
My precious husband confessed to me his struggle with porn very early into our dating relationship–he had accountability with his roommate, and was so honest and repentant and committed to recovery that I continued dating him. We got married 2 years ago, and I continued to see astounding progress. He has been in the habit of asking me to pray every time he feels tempted, which wore on me for a while, but I’ve gotten used to it and better at responding gracefully thanks to God! He went from watching porn, to looking at half dressed pictures, to now, searching it out but closing it right away. We have an accountability app and I can see everything, and by the world’s standards it doesn’t even count as porn. I’ve seen so much progress, but the constant battle drains him physically, mentally, and spiritually. He fights, he wins, he feels no victory. Then he feels unworthy of enjoying me sexually. It breaks my heart and I don’t know how to encourage him any more. Thoughts?
Hi Mrs. H–Great question! And I’m so glad that your husband is working so hard on this. That’s amazing.
I think that the problem, though, may be that his life and his spiritual walk is TOO focused on trying to get rid of the temptation. Whatever we focus on expands. If every prayer is about “give me strength”, then all you’re really thinking about is how much you need strength because of how weak you are.
This isn’t the same thing, but I really struggled with forgiving my father when I was younger. For years I was in knots about it, doing Bible studies about it, praying about it. For various reasons I went several years without seeing him and started just doing major Bible studies about God. A few years later, when it was time to see him, I realized the anger was gone, even though I hadn’t been praying about it. I had been focusing on God, and God got bigger.
There is certainly a time for dedicated prayer about an issue. But at some point you have to move on. And I think Jesus wants to be the focus, not the sin. Could that be part of the issue?
Hello Mrs H,
Guilt was a big issue for me when I was quitting. It was important for me to realize that what I did was wrong, and to commit to becoming a better person, but this guilt was something else entirely: it was something demotivating, depressing, telling me I am a bad person who will never manage, that I should give up, etc.
This kind of guilt was basically one of the tricks that the addict part of my brain was playing on me. When you are quitting something, a part of your mind would come up with all sorts of thoughts to try to keep you in the addiction/habit. So that guilt is just one of those. It is a completely useless feeling: useless for me, useless for my wife, useless for God.
Once I realized that, it was easier to deal with that type of guilt. It is important to twist things around and to celebrate your growing strength, to celebrate the changes that are happening, to be enthusiastic about purity, to be enthusiastic about the long-term benefits of purity, about how over the years it will make me stronger and better and truer is different ways.
Hi Mrs H,
I would suggest diving into the book of Philippians, when I read your comment, Philippians 3:13 came to mind. And one of the major themes in the book of Philippians is joy, which I think would be helpful to you and your husband.
Praying for you guys!
I was honest from the very first date with my now wife that I had a history, going back into my teens, with pornography and masturbation. I’m now in my 50’s. She let me know right then that there was 3 non-negotiables: No porn, no lying, and not physical abuse. I agreed. My wife and I married this last April. In the last weeks leading up to our marriage, I fell and watched porn. I was ashamed and didn’t tell her until a few days after our marriage. She was devastated. I caused it. It is all my fault. She feels I tricked her by not telling her before we married, giving her a chance to back out. This is all understandable.
For the almost 6 months now that we’ve been married, my wife does kiss or hug me on her own volition. If I kiss her, a peck is allowed, but nothing more. If I try to put my arm around her, she whips her head around and looks down her nose at me to let me know it is unwelcome. She puts a row of pillows between us in bed. I feel that I am a leper.
She has told me that she will never be able to fully give herself to me again…ever.
Sex that we had before marriage (yes I know, we shouldn’t have) was bad because of my issues. I have severe performance anxiety and likely PIED. She internalized this as I was not sexually attracted to her because i didn’t look like the girls on the videos I had watched over the years…which is absolutely not true. I never think of those images when I was making love to my wife. I love this woman with all my heart and would love to have a close, emotionally and physically intimate relationship with her.
When I bring up that we are not close as we should be, she says that all I want is sex. She says that she’ll never be able to make love to me. She said that I should make up a sex schedule for her “so she can get herself prepared and ready for it”. I don’t want a vessel to make a deposit in. I want a wife who loves me and wants to receive me fully and in return wants to love me and give herself fully to me. I told her this and she reacted like I slapped her in the face. The audacity of me to want more than just her body with no feeling on a schedule!
We initially started going to a christian counselor, however my wife decided that this was my problem and she has decided not to continue. I write her love letters multiple times a week. I started going to a sex therapist to discuss my performance anxiety. When I told my wife what the subject matter of the counselling sessions, she blew her top. As a result, she is not speaking to me.
Sheila, your article is perfect timing, but I don’t feel there is anyway that I could ask my wife to read it without another blow up. I’m sick at heart. I know I caused the whole thing. I have been doing everything I can to make things better (Covenant Eyes on all computers and my phone, Couples Counselling, Checking in on SAA tele-meetings. I write her love letters a couple times every week. I bring her flowers to her office, I do most of the work around the house (I’m an IT guy and work from home). I open and close the car door for her EVERY time we go somewhere. I support her in every endeavour and try to build her up emotionally. Nothing I do counts. She feels that I “Just want her to get over and forget the pain” just because want to use her as a sperm bucket.
I pray and am trying to hold on, but I am so very lost. I don’t know what more to do.
It should have read “my wife does NOT kiss or hug me on her own volition….
This is a great post Shelia.
I’d love to see one on what husbands can do to help their wives fight temptation. We’re usually not tempted to look at porn. But I feel that the next untouchable topic that needs to come out may be the affairs in the minds of married women.
An example: there were several years of my marriage when I could not let a relatively attractive man help me. Not the bagger at the grocery store who wanted to load my car, seeing me in the store with 3 toddlers and a newborn. Not a man in the church parking seeing me struggle with 4 young children and my overflowing mom bag. Any time I was struggling with multiple kids and heavy things, I’d get offers of help that I’d decline.
And I’d often get dirty looks, as if I was trying to make a political point by doing everything on my own. I wasn’t. I was trying to do everything I could to keep my mind free of temptation because my marriage was in such a bad place. And I failed miserably much of the time. My husband has a vague idea of this struggle. I don’t dare tell him the extent of it, I know it would crush him. Thank God things are so much better now and the struggle is almost gone.
I like this post. There is no perfect people same as marriage. But with open communication, issues can be discussed. We all have different cases but generally, most of the issues can be resolved when both partners as well are open about clearing this complications. I think it is best that we also ask our partners to read this article 🙂
Thanks Sheila, great post. I think being safe spaces for each other is where true intimacy lies. Being vulnerable produces intimacy in my mind. When I go to God with my struggles and I feel he accepts me, even though I am flawed, that is all that I need to motivate me to become better. And it is so much better than the world that doesn’t seem to understand my struggles and is always pointing fingers. That is also what unconditional love is about. When we reach such levels, then we are truly becoming like Christ and experiencing the intimacy that God wants us to have. It is so sad that in most marriages, they do not experience this kind of unconditional love and they don’t go through struggles together so they come out stronger on the other side. After 60 or more years of marriage, you can truly say you walked together, truly supported each other and encouraged each other on the journey towards eternity. How beautiful!
Hello,
Sheila, I love your book “A good girl’s guide…” it was exactly what I needed to help prepare me for intimacy with my soon to be husband (just 9 days away from the wedding) :).
My sweetheart struggles with porn but he fights and emerges victorious. He told me 2 years back when we were dating that this has been a struggle since middle school. It broke my heart to hear but I decided to choose him forever. We were just getting back together after having been broken up for about 6 months. I ended the relationship because something felt off to me. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I knew something was wrong. Unbeknownst to me, he was struggling with pornography. Crazy how God works. The breakup was just what we needed to shed light on the sin.
I would love some encouragement entering into marriage with this sexual sin still existant in our relationship. He is fighting and he wants victory. He has accountability and sees a counselor. I am so proud of him. It hurts me, of course, when he falls but I pray for abounding grace with each passing day.. that I may extend it wholly to my forever sweetheart.
Sounds like you are a wonderful sidekick for your battling husband. And not just a sidekick of course, but also a hero in the battle.
If you feel it is helpful Adam Young Counselling podcasts have some helpful insights into unwanted sexual behaviour.
As a wife of a recovering sex addict, I think the hardest thing in this struggle is that honestly there really is no advice. By that I mean every situation, every person, every marriage is so different that advice that is wonderful for one person may be devastatingly unhealthy for another. Even for myself things that I do now that work would have been terribly unhelpful a few years ago. I told my friend last night when talking about people giving advice that the more you’ve been through things the less adamantly you give advice. It changes from “you have to do this!” to “well, this helped me. You could try it. But if it doesn’t work, don’t worry about it.” The only adamant advice I give is to not give up (as long as your spouse hasn’t given up fighting). Sometimes its the hundredth thing you try that works or sometimes a little bit works from each of the hundred things you try and all of it adds up to being more free.
i once had a married man crush on me he kept starring at me all the time touching my arm all the time as well
finally i walked up to him i needed to know where he was coming from i needed to solve this weird situation i found myself in with this married man so i simply said
i think your a very sexy man i said this on purpose to him to see his reaction let me say this straightened him right out he yelled at me and i mean yelled loudly at me even while no one was around us in a music bar he owned .he said im in love with my wife i said back to him then why do you touch me often and stare at me all the time he said i know i was wrong he never said sorry either by the way for touching me
what i think he needed was his ego boosted he also told me once he had no passion in his life from his wife telling him he was sexy made him get scared and he was afraid of losing his music business he worked so hard for if he cheated and was to get caught actually made him re think his situation now update 3 yrs later i still see him at his lovely music bar and restaurant in new york area hugging on other woman when his wife isnt around go figure what a pompous jerk but at least i got him not to stare and touch me any more
Im engaged to be married and we are waiting to be married to have sex. This would be his second marriage, my first, but I struggle with childhood trauma (sexual and abusive ). Both of us in our early 40’s. Sex doesn’t always have a positive connotation for me.
I don’t struggle with feelings of having sex but when I do , I feel an immense guilt. I’m working through that now. I know my fiancé loves me very much and he is very careful with me but sometimes I can tell he is struggling. I came across this article. Helped me out a lot. I asked him directly , are you having a rough morning. And he said yes. I told him to get up and take a walk or do something so he can take his kind of things. He said ok. And it made me feel good I can do that and not condemn him for feeling sexual and struggling. Instead of saying oh all you are thinking is that ! I want him to be safe to tell me. It’s always about perspective. Thank you
My husband just confessed that he like looking at women with pretty faces that led to temptation. He has said, somehow he has deep rooted feelings for them. There’s a couple from work and maybe a couple at church and women she sees as he scrolls on facebook. I was calm when he told me about this struggle and sin that he was being so hard on himself that he is scared to be in hell. He wanted to be righteous but seems like he struggles with women and money. Deep inside I was hurting but I did not judge him or nag at him. I told him think of me when you have those thoughts. What else should I do. I live my husband and I really want to help him with his struggles and to let him understand God’s grace to him. Any thoughts are welcome. Thank you.