I spent the summer when I was 18 as a camp counsellor.
I had a group of four of us–two guys, and two girls–who hung out in the evenings when the kids were in bed (others were supervising!) and who did a lot of the games and music together.
We were good friends, and frequently teased each other and bantered back and forth.
One morning, halfway through summer, we were lining up with the campers in front of the dining hall, getting ready to go in for breakfast.
The dining hall years later–when we were there for family camp!
I was teasing one of the guys, whom I’ll call Dave for the sake of simplicity, and I went a little too far. I can’t remember what it was about now, but I know I was laughing and joking around.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, his whole face went red. He got right in my face and he yelled at the top of his lungs, “Stop laughing at me! No one should laugh at me!”
My heart stopped. I couldn’t breathe. Everybody was staring. I felt about two feet tall. He stormed off and I grabbed his arm to try to apologize, and he wrenched it away from me.
I spent the next week asking everyone’s advice on how I should make it up to him and how I could repair the breach. Everyone else offered wimpy advice, but no one really knew what to do. I felt so terrible. No one had ever yelled at me like that before, and I wanted to make it right.
It hit me a few years ago when I was reminded of that scene again (and I totally forgot about it for about twenty years) that what he was doing was totally inappropriate and actually abusive and bullying.
He was wrong to yell at me like that. I did not cause him to become angry; our conversation was actually quite natural and normal for people of that age. He suffered from a real rage disorder. Yet no one recognized it. And somehow it became my problem, because I could not stand up for myself and say, “what you did was wrong, and you had no right to treat me like that, even if I was pushing buttons I didn’t know about.”
And the reason I couldn’t stand up for myself was because it hit me out of left field.
I was just so utterly and completely shocked in the moment. I had never seen behaviour like that. And I felt such shame.
Looking back, it’s obvious that what he did was wrong. At the time, it wasn’t so obvious.
When someone does something awful to you that you were not expecting, and that you’ve never experienced before so you have no frame of reference, you tend to own the shame of it.
For some reason it’s hard wired into us to own someone else’s problems. Psychologists have said that it’s a way that we maintain the facade of control when something bad happens–if it’s my fault, then I can potentially figure out what I did to cause it so it won’t happen again. If we honestly realize that it isn’t our fault, in many ways that’s harder psychologically to handle, because it means that it could happen again.
(Obviously that’s silly, because it can happen again even if we do think it’s our fault, it’s just that this is the way our minds work).
I think a similar dynamic was at work with Harvey Weinstein and many of these actresses/models/assistants.
I’ve read several accounts this week, and over and over again women say something to the effect of:
“he showed up naked in his bathrobe and I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do.”
They say they were shocked. And they froze. And I believe it. I remember how I felt that summer morning, even though it was a totally different situation. When someone does something so wrong and completely unexpected, we don’t know how to handle it.
(By the way, I do believe more of these actresses should have come forward earlier, even if it was years after their own incidents, after they had had time to process it. If there weren’t a conspiracy of silence, many more women could have been spared this. But I totally understand freezing in the moment).
It is human nature to own someone else’s shame when they do something terrible, out of the blue.
Remember the United Airlines incident a while ago? A similar dynamic was there. People were just so shocked at what was happening they didn’t do anything. It’s not that they weren’t brave or they didn’t care; it’s that they were so shocked by abuse that they were almost paralyzed for an instant.
October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, and I know that many of my readers experience things like this–the rage, the rapes, the ridicule–in their own marriages and families. And it is natural to own the shame. “What did I do? How can I fix this?” But there is nothing you can do, because it is not your problem. When people are abusive, that is on them, not on you.
I understand that feeling of paralysis. I understand that feeling of such incredible shame. But as you’ve had a chance to look back and process it, please try to look clearly. I can see 18-year-old me, just joking around. Yes, I went a little too far. But the proper response would have been, “Hey, Sheila, cut it out.” And I would have. The proper response was not to go into a rage and lambaste me in public.
Maybe you look back and think, “but I hadn’t been very nice to him that day.” Or, “but we hadn’t had sex in a while and I know he thought he deserved it.” Or, “but I had annoyed him a lot leading up to that.” But just because you may have done something wrong does not mean that you deserved abuse, or that abuse was the proper response.
It’s taken a lot of years for many of the women Harvey Weinstein assaulted to come forward and name what happened to them. But once a few did, the floodgates opened.
Maybe it’s time for some of you to name what is happening to you.
You’ve lived with the shock. You’re carrying the shame. You’ve tried to fix it, but it isn’t working. Maybe it’s because it was never your problem to carry in the first place.
If you’re wondering what to do, here are some posts that can help:
- Ten Truths About Emotionally Destructive Relationships
- A Letter to the Woman with the Controlling Husband
- The One Sign You’re in an Abusive Relationship (from Emotional Abuse Survivor)
Have you ever felt paralyzed in the moment, because of someone else’s actions? What happened? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I’ve had that happen and understand it now. Honestly, I came from under a narcissistic, controlling mother. Wasn’t till I moved out that I understood it. My husband and I decided to pull away because they were still trying to control stuff in our marriage. A couple years down the road, my family doesn’t think to include me when other family comes over or to notify me of different meeting places for events. At first, I was like, it’s my fault that they do that because we pulled away. Then I realized, no. It’s not my fault. It’s their responsibility for how they respond. (There is a lot that went down between our dating/engagement till even now with my parents and THEY were/have been the ones in the wrong. But I decided I’m not going to be responsible for the stuff they do that hurt me because they didn’t bother to care or take the time. Relationships are a two way street and generally, it’s been a lot of one way from my direction with my mom. But it’s not my fault anymore or my guilt.
It sounds like you’re in a really healthy place now, Jade! I’m sorry about the lack of relationship from the rest of your family, though. There’s always so much destruction when one relationship is abusive, and it really does spread.
Yes! Both the shock and the power dynamic that exists when you are trying to get someone to like you is a recipe for abuse.
My example… Everyone on my debate team in high school (including me) had a huge crush on one of the senior guys. One night driving back as a team in a 15 passenger van with coats on our laps because it was winter, he started trying to get me to touch him, exposing himself to me under his coat. Despite my shock, I would not, so he instead reached over and began to put his hand down my pants and touch me. I was horrified and tried to shove his hand away but quickly realized I wasn’t strong enough to do so without making a scene in front of my entire team and was so completely shocked that he would do what he was doing publicly that I eventually just stopped fighting it.
It wasn’t until years later when I was first telling my [now] husband about my sordid “past” that I realized how NOT okay all of that really was. I found out later from another school friend that he did the same thing to at least two other girls that we know of, and I’m assuming there were probably more. He took advantage of the power of his popularity and our desire to be liked, combined with a shock that leaves you frozen, very similar to the dynamic you have with these actresses!
Oh, that’s horrible! And then when you get to be an adult, and you look at girls who are the same age as you were then, and your heart just breaks for younger you. That’s what I find with hurts, anyway.
It is sad he did it to so many. I sure hope he stopped!
I have three girls. We’ve talked about safe touch and not safe touch, but I sometimes am at a loss regarding what to tell them to DO if unsafe touch happens. Sometimes I think we just freeze. Looking back at that van ride, I don’t know what I could have done differently as a 16 year old girl. Even now as an adult, if I found myself in a parallel situation, I honestly think I’d freeze again. It’s one thing to scream when a stranger attacks you, but when a colleague or superior you know and admire does something inappropriate? I can’t say it wouldn’t happen all over again. I think that now I would do something after the fact, at least. But when it’s happening you just… freeze!
I’ve taught my girls that stop means stop as best I know how (as age appropriately as possible, usually in playing with friends situations), but more than that I’ve tried to teach my older two that they will NEVER get in trouble if they have questions about safe touch, and we talked about a few other mommies they can talk to if they ever feel too confused to come to me, though I hope they will. I want to do what I can to protect and prepare them, but even more I want them to know they always have someone safe to talk to and they will be believed, no guilt involved, even if they froze and didn’t object.
I want them to know that unwanted touch is NEVER their fault. I have several other high school experiences that were somewhat similar, where I was pressured or coerced into sexual acts I didn’t want to do after repeatedly saying no, but I had people like my sister saying, “Well, you’re the one who let him drive you home that night; what did you think was going to happen?” Um, NOT THAT. Maybe I shouldn’t have accepted, but that still doesn’t mean what happened after that was my fault or that “I was asking for it.” I carried a lot of guilt for a long time about the “naughty” things I did in high school and it really has only been more recently that I’ve been able to say, “I didn’t want that to happen. I said no. I was ignored, and that’s NOT okay, and it’s NOT my fault.”
Anyway. Sorry. I’m rambling. I still don’t know a lot of safe places to process this sort of thing.
I am a church music director. I interviewed and was hired. After working 3 sundays I received an email from the pastor to have a meeting the following Sunday. Everything was going well or so I thought, no complaints, just compliments from the congregation. The choir seemed nice except for a few that I was told were excellent singers, singing with the local orchestra. I learned later their ego’s were bigger than their talents.
I was told the meeting was only with the pastor. I go in the room, sit down and one of those choir members sits down. The pastor talked to me about 20 minutes about upcoming events and holiday music. She said I was very nice, people liked me. Then she said, one more thing,
YOU ARE TERMINATED IMMEDIATELY She handed me a big postage paid box to put my music in to send back so i wouldn’t come back to the church. I was shocked, been lied to and blindsided. She told me “some” choir members had better music skills than I that was the reason. I’ve been doing this for over 40 years!
I’m not the only one to experience these kinds of things as music minister. Sadly I have realized church is a business first. I hate feeling this way.
Oh, wow. That is so out of left field! And why would the pastor do all that talking first? So sorry about that experience.
I realized after much soul searching that she, the pastor, had planned it that way. Everyone meets for coffee hour. The pastor made sure everyone had left the building. I couldn’t come up with any other explanation. She didn’t want me making the announcement I was fired to people that wouldn’t be happy about it,
4 of the choir members wrote to me, told me they shocked and so was the congregation when they found out.
I have worked with so many different pastors and denominations over the years. Some are authentic and others enjoy the power the position gives them too much. They lose sight of what the church is. …..the people not themselves.
Honestly, I grew up abused and molested so I’ve always felt like I didn’t know how to respond appropriately to things because of my life experience. But there was one time that I was able to react courageously, and it was during an attempted sexual assault. I was able to fight him off because I’m a black belt and had been trained for years to react that way. Believe me, it wasn’t natural! I’m so grateful my mom made me learn self defense because unfortunately there are far less good, “safe” men like my husband than men like Harvey Weinstein.
We can control our action and reactions to things most of the time, but we cannot control how someone reacts to our actions/words. I think to your story at the top. Dave may have felt two feet tall with whatever comments you made even if made jokingly. Add to the fact that the comments were not made in the more private setting where he knew for certain that you were joking but instead in front of the rest of the campers/counselors. His reaction may have not been what you expected but is it possible that he felt embarrassed/belittled by your statements thus making his reaction justifiable. You’re lucky that he had control not to slap you which could have happened instead he walked away. I do hope that you were able to repair/salvage your relationship with Dave, especially since you were good friends.
As a teacher of high school students, I frequently see the “unexpected reactions” of young boys to girls who are teasing/picking on them even when done in a joking manner. Most boys that age don’t know how to deal with girls much less knowing how to interact with them when they are behaving in this manner. This teasing is considered bullying in today’s society especially if it is unwanted.
Thank you for making that comment, Rebekah. I also feel like there was more to the young man’s reaction, than just a “rage disorder” that nobody recognized. The fact that he brought up that he shouldn’t be laughed at speaks to me that he felt demeaned by the teasing. While teasing can be good natured and “all in good fun” at that age, it may not be fun for the person being teased. Since we do not know the young man’s background, it could be that he was the brunt of many hurtful jokes or he might have had a narcissistic person in his life that always demeaned him and he had all he could take and “snapped”. We will never know what was going on in his mind, but I think it’s a little shallow to assume that he was totally at fault in the situation and that nobody else shared the blame in what happened that day. He was obviously hurt, by the comments you made that day, although that was not your intention. So I believe you should feel some of the blame and do everything in your power to make it right. Should he have “screamed in your face”? No, that was not the right reaction, but there’s definitely more going on in this scenario that we know about.
I agree with the basis of the article but the support story is a little shy of what you were trying to accomplish.
One of my children is autistic and he cannot handle even mild teasing. It’s one of the reasons we don’t leave him alone with other adults, ever, except for a very few who understand and appreciate him for who he is. He would blow up in a rage exactly like described in the article and adults often think of him as naughty. Or they think they can fix him by explaining what teasing is (as if we haven’t tried that).
It is normal to feel shocked and taken aback when someone blows up at you “out of nowhere.” And we need to tell ourselves that we don’t need to take ownership of their rage. Absolutely. If more adults did this with special needs people, rather than thinking they’re just a problem that needs to be fixed or a child that needs to be “taught a lesson,” the world would be a safer place for people who aren’t neuro-typical. My son may or may not grow past this issue. But I hope that other people can grow, too, and learn to say, “Wow, I feel pretty bad right now. Getting yelled at is upsetting. I’m going to go over here for awhile so I have some space.” Too many of us (myself included until I had my own special needs child) focus on trying to make the other person calm down and forgive us (or apologize to us) and try to FIX the problem. We need to slow down, give everyone’s stress hormones a chance to clear, and then come back. And sometimes there’s no fix.
She’s lucky he didn’t slap her? What the hell kind of comment is that? And I’m not being profane. That is a attitude from the creator of lies himself.
Did anyone else see the article on the BBC the other day called “I abused a man in public and no one cared”? Its worth a look. So much i want to say about this story about your friend dave but i will pass.
Here is the story. It’s very good.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/item/5d33c36d-cd41-4351-97ed-4516962d5c44
I do think there were things in Dave’s life that no one knew. I don’t think Shelia was abusing him, though. Teenagers tease each other. Shelia wasn’t yelling at him or threatening him.
Abusive partners are more likely to be male. But women can be narcissists, too, and men can be their victims. It’s an important topic.
And it’s so important to do away with the “men need respect, women need love” lie. Both need both equally. It’s damaging to raise boys in a way that emotionally stunts them and teaches them to deny their needs. It’s one of the things that can lead to a man being controlling or seeking out a controlling partner.
Our culture says that men are the protectors in the relationship, therefore they can’t be victims in a relationship. That’s a lie.
I was sexually harassed by a much older man many years ago. I too froze. I was a receptionist and it was someone who came by the office regularly. Looking back, if I had said something to someone I know my superiors would have dealt with it swiftly and severely (I was the receptionist for a Human Resources department and they were tough on policy). But I had this heavy feeling of shame hanging like a rock inside my body. I couldn’t open my mouth to speak about it. When I did, the person I told (not someone at work, someone in my personal life) immediately asked what I had been wearing. I don’t believe their question was meant to shame me – I think their intentions were good, they were trying to wrap their mind around how this man could have thought he could harass me. It took me a long time to reconcile in my head that it wouldn’t have mattered what I was wearing, though I always dressed modestly for work. A perverted man is going to be perverted whether I’m wearing a low-cut top or a flour sack. That is how perversion works.
Ugh – I SO get this “foot in mouth” story you shared, Sheila! I recently had a similar incident occur (and have had others in the past that I clearly recall). I made an honest mistake with no premeditation, but I may have (or may not, your article has caused me to re-evaluate my past history with this) taken it a step too far in sarcasm/joking, and suddenly someone (various incidences were my mom, dad, or a male friend) was yelling at me, shutting down and becoming emotionally rigid to the point of calculated ignorance, or in some other way “freaking out.” The most recent situation I have brought to an older female mentor’s attention because I felt SO degraded and dope-slapped. We are working through it together, which is exactly what I need, like others have mentioned, time and space to figure my emotions out and realize this IS NOT my fault. Timely article – thank you!