Have you ever noticed how arguments with your husband aren’t always as straightforward as they seem?
C.S. Lewis once said that we learn the most about our character under stress than we do when things are good. It’s how we respond under pressure that shows who we really are.
And maybe that’s one of the benefits of marriage–because we live so closely with another person, a lot is revealed about us. We may be angry at our husbands, but in the process a lot is shown about our own hearts.
I so appreciate Beth Steffaniak from Messy Marriage, and she’s here for Wifey Wednesday to talk about what she learned about herself after an argument with her husband!
Here’s Beth:
I have this annoying tendency with my husband that starts an argument faster than a ten-second post disappears on Snapchat. You see I try to read his mind about what he is feeling when he doesn’t give me a lot of information or an overtly positive response about a request I’ve made. I’ve taken this as my cue to then try to interpret his body language, facial expressions, or even his quietness on the subject—often assuming the worst about his motives as a result.
So instead of believing the best about him, like the Bible reminds us to do:
“Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person . . .” (1 Corinthians 13:7a AMPC).
I have tended to believe the worst about him.
Recalling a Monumental and ‘Revealing’ Argument
Years ago, my pastor husband and I were attending, of all things, a marriage conference for pastor’s and their wives. This conference was in New York and on the day following the conference we were planning to go to the taping of the Today Show on the plaza. But that was really what “I” wanted to do and not so much what my husband wanted to do. He had indicated some hesitancy about it, but was willing to do it, though he wasn’t quite sure the best way to get down there.
So on the first day of the conference we were standing around talking with a few of the conference workers before going in to the first session, when my husband asked them about things to do in New York. Immediately, I noticed that he didn’t ask anything about the Today Show or how to get down there. This led me to assume the negative about his reasons for not asking.
As we made our way into the conference room, I asked my husband if the reason he didn’t ask about the Today Show was because he didn’t really want to go. This did not go over well with my husband one bit! So he began to discuss this publicly with me in what I was “assuming” was an irritated way (A “mind-reader’s” job is never done!).
Of course, his irritated tone sent my anxiety through the roof, because I surely didn’t want any of these other pastors and pastor’s wives to hear us bickering as we entered the “marriage workshop.” I hope you see the irony and humor that I now feel and see about all of this. Mind you, I didn’t feel like it was funny at the time—not one bit—but I’m happy to say that I’ve learned so much from that one encounter that I can now look back and laugh.
Truly, at the time, I wanted to pin this on my husband. But after much prayer and processing, I came to some important realizations about myself from that argument.
What this Argument with my Husband Revealed about Me
1. The wounds of my past and upbringing were in the mix.
I discovered that my motives were entangled with fears that I had let take root in my heart. My mother was a good woman, but had this one fatal flaw—she often managed others using guilt to get them to do what she wanted. I’ve done that myself a time or two, but mostly, I struggle to do things from a place of willingness, rather than obligation.
So I tend to fear that my husband is doing the same thing with me, especially when he appears to be reluctant in any way, shape or form to what I have requested of him. This has formed something of a trigger for him. He will admit that freely to all, so I’m not guilty of reading his mind on that one!
2. I needed to take my husband at his word—trusting that my husband is trustworthy.
My husband has never given me reason to doubt his trustworthiness, especially when it comes to the vows he made to me on our wedding day. I’ve just struggled so much to trust myself to say “no” when I’ve needed to, that I placed that mantle on him as well.
I am much better at saying “no” now—as well as trusting my convictions and beliefs. And ironically that has made it easier for me to trust that my husband is trustworthy, even though he didn’t necessarily change one way or the other on this particular issue. I just realized that it was really my problem of not trusting him, when I should have taken him at his word.
3. I needed to learn to express my concerns apart from the “heat of the moment.”
This has been a game-changer in our marriage. Whenever my husband or I try to deal with a perceived problem in the “heat of the moment,” things go sideways fast. If I had waited until much later in the day, when my husband wasn’t tempted to feel “blindsided” by my emerging worries in a public venue, I think it would have gone over much better. Especially, if I had owned my feelings instead of putting them on him like I did.
4. I needed to learn to ask good questions at that later time of reflection with my husband.
In addition to communicating my concerns and owning my feelings, I could have easily solved the mystery by asking him good, open-ended questions about his feelings regarding the Today Show activity. Instead, I played “counselor” to the dysfunction I perceived in him—slapping him with the diagnosis of “his” problem as I saw it. No one wants to be in that counselor’s hot seat!
Solomon with all the mistakes he made in marriage still knew better than I did on this one,
“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out” (Proverbs 20:5 NIV).
Point taken, King Solomon!
The Argument with my Husband Autopsy
Now, I’m still a work-in-progress on all of these fronts, but these principles are becoming more and more integrated into my life and mindset since that fateful day. And I attribute that to learning to do an “Argument Autopsy” after every conflict. In fact, as a counselor and life-coach, I try to teach my clients to do this with the conflicts they have in life and marriage because of all that it has taught me. There is just such a wealth of information to be found after an argument, not necessarily to understand our mates and loved ones better, but to understand ourselves better.
My hope is that you will take the time after your next conflict to do an “Argument Autopsy” like I did and continue to do whenever conflicts arise in my marriage. That means praying and asking for God to reveal what you were thinking or doing wrong before or, better yet, instead of examining what your mate did wrong. Give them the opportunity to figure that out with God, if they are willing. And if your spouse is not, then a big way you can move forward is to commit to pray for your mate—leaving them in God’s capable hands. Believe me, God is so much better at revealing what we—and this includes our spouses—need to see and acknowledge than we are on any given day!
What do you think? Do you ever believe the worst of your husband in the heat of the moment? Let’s talk about it in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I am the husband so I am the worst lol. Where I come from we call your autopsy an inventory. I review the tapes so to speak. I do this with many many situations. And they dont have to be bad either. It takes a lot of practice to learn this skill. Feom what I know you cant so it alone. This morning my kids were running late for their bus so my wife asked me to help get my youngest sons shoes on and tied as he would take forever. I had one foot, she had the other. It became a race to see who could finish first. All the movement and the way we were both squatting became akward. My wife knocked me over by accident and everyone started laughing. See, this is a different path for us. In the past there would have been anger and blame and bad exchanges. Instead we had fun and it was a pleasant morning. My quick inventory is Me and my family are doing better. Life is good and things are constantly improving. I am proud of our family. There is hope for the future. It is good. God good. Thanks for the insight.
That’s wonderful to hear, Phil! It sounds as if you have taken the time to consider your responsibility instead of focusing on your wife’s. That’s always such a game-changer in marriage. Thanks for joining the conversation, my friend! Keep up that great work!
I’m guilty of trying to read my hubby’s mind too, though I’ve gotten much better over the years. My dad used body language and the silent treatment to manipulate us often, and it took a long time for me to stop walking on eggshells around my husband, assuming he’d do the same things. Now I just ask, “Are you frustrated with me?” He almost never is; it turns out he was extra quiet because he was tired or had a headache! Talk about assuming the worst. I’ve also learned that when he is frustrated with me, I *know* it, haha, so if I have to ask then I’m learning to assume the best instead.
On the flip side, I’ve chosen to take him at his word. If I ask if he minds if I go do something, if he says “go ahead,” I go; I don’t try to tease out whether he really wants me to stay and hopes I can read that from his body language. Again, my dad played those games, but my husband doesn’t! So I try to do the same and say exactly what I mean, instead of saying the opposite and hope my hubby can pick up on my nonverbal cues. He never does. 😂
Being on the look out for these areas of woundedness (or at least conditioning) can help prevent a lot of arguments over nothing, can’t it!
My mom was really the one to play these mind games with me and my family members when I was growing up, Kay. So I can relate to the way these kinds of influences went on to impact my tendencies in adulthood. And that’s great how you are now relearning to think the best about your hubby. It’s funny (or sad, don’t know which!) but I just video-tapped for vlogging series I’ve been doing–asking wives to tell me one bad habit they do in marriage. Invariably, mind-reading was the one several talked about. But I don’t think this is just a female issue, though it seems to be more of a tendency for us than for men. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Kay! Nice to meet you too!
I think the mind-reading thing is done more by women because men can be so uncommunicative; it feels like there are so many gaps that you have to try to fill in.
Great insight, Sunny-dee! Yes, that’s probably what is the mix, but still does not leave either spouse off the hook. We must be vigilant not to assume what our spouse is thinking or feeling. Thanks for adding that to the conversation, my friend!
As a very new wife this is really helpful to read, thank you! I hadn’t even realised I’d been doing this but it explains why my husband is so upset that I don’t trust him when I ask if he really means what he says. Thank you Beth! And Kay, your comment has also made me realise that I do exactly what I accuse my husband of. I’m now going to try to take a leaf out of your book and say exactly what I mean! Thank you for sharing! 😀
I’m so glad it helped you, Grace!
That’s so encouraging to hear, Grace! I always love it when there’s a breakthrough insight that the Lord allowed me to be a part of. I love your transparency and teachable spirit too! Keep that in place and your connection in marriage will grow exponentially!
There have been too many times that the ugliness of my heart has come out in a an argument, especially when it comes to my husband. Over the years I have learned to check myself and my emotions, but I have to admit this is something that still takes work for me. Thanks so much for sharing!
I’m so glad to hear that you’ve learned to do that, Misty. It is the only way to inject health into an unhealthy moment in marriage. Thanks for sharing so openly with us!
I’m trying to understand what was wrong with the question you asked your husband. You didn’t assume you knew his motives. You wondered if that was his motive and you ASKED. That’s a good thing. He responded defensively. Maybe he needs to view a question not as an attack that needs to be defended but as a way to open communication which brings people together.
It’s very good to evaluate conversations that went wrong.
Based on what you wrote, it seems your are taking on blame you don’t deserve.
I probably didn’t spell it out enough that this is about the control I have as a spouse in any conflict or problem I encounter in marriage. Because you are right, Lisa. My husband didn’t respond in the right way. And it can be so very tempting to look at any conflict in marriage from our spouse’s responsibility rather than our own. Trust me, my husband and I worked through this conflict later, each of us taking responsibility for our contribution to it. In fact, it ended up being a watershed moment in our marriage as we processed through this conflict in a healthy way later. My point here is to say we all have power to change the atmosphere in a troubling moment in marriage. I can’t get distracted by what my mate did wrong–especially when what my mate does is more obvious! Oh my! I’ve been entangled there way too many times and know it is nothing but a dead-end! I hope you can understand better where I’m coming from after I’ve clarified a bit. Thanks for adding to the conversation something that truly could be misunderstood without my further clarification!
What a great article! I often wish our arguments were taped so we could accurately break them down when the dust settles. I’ve been married for 20 years (also to a pastor) – and we are still trying to learn how to communicate better. Here’s a little snippet of our journey (delete if it’s not allowed 🙂 ) to at least trying to not take ourselves so seriously.
https://www.lightlyfrayed.com/communication-marriage-lighten-up/
Thanks for always offering authenticity, encouragement and truth.
Yes, I’ve been tempted to think that taping a conversation would be a good idea, too, Karen, though I think it would only reinforce an attitude of “see I’m right” rather than looking at our individual responsibilities in any given moment. Plus, not knowing exactly who said what gives us a chance to stretch in extending grace when it is most certainly not deserved. I have such a soft spot for other pastors and their wives! We are under such pressure to get it right that it often results in doing more wrong than good. Thanks for joining the conversation and for your encouragement! It’s nice to meet a fellow-pastor’s wife here at Sheila’s place!