Has Hollywood totally messed up our sex lives?
It’s Hallowe’en, and so I thought it was a great day to devote Top 10 Tuesday to something that gives us the serious heebie-geebies: Hollywood. It’s a scary place! And it does scary things to our sex lives.
So I thought today we could look at 10 ways Hollywood warps our expectations about sex:
1. She Looks Like a Supermodel
Did you know that forensic scientists are always drop dead gorgeous? And they show up to work in heels and with a ton of mascara. I obviously chose the wrong profession.
Everybody in Hollywood looks perfect. You wouldn’t be in Hollywood if you didn’t look perfect! But look around at the people that you know in real life. We aren’t that beautiful a bunch. Most of us are just pretty normal.
What We Feel: It’s easy to think that you can’t be sexy if you have a tummy at all. Have you ever looked down at yourself post-baby and just thought, “I’m ugly now”? Most of us have, because most of us have tummies. That’s because we’re WOMEN. Hollywood tells us that flawless is sexy, and so it’s easy to believe that if we have flaws, we therefore aren’t sexy. And when we don’t feel sexy, we often shut down. Don’t let Hollywood shut you down! Hollywood’s not worth it. (Do we really want to give the world of alleged predators like Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey power to make us feel not good enough?)
2. He Looks Like an Adonis
And it’s not just women. Every man in Hollywood has a six pack. And they don’t age, either! I remember when we were homeschooling watching the 60s movie To Kill a Mockingbird with my girls. It was awesome. Gregory Peck, who played Atticus Fitch, was 46 years old when he acted in it. And he looked pretty normal. We watched it in 2011, when Brad Pitt was 48. But Brad Pitt easily looked 15 years younger.
What we Feel: Men aren’t supposed to be distinguished anymore; they’re supposed to be sexy. That can warp how we see attraction to our husbands, too!
3. The Women Always Have Libidos Through the Roof
Women want sex. All the time. They want it just as much as men do. We have whole shows dedicated to this: Sex and the City, Jersey Shore.
What We Feel: Watch this long enough, and many women start to worry that they’re frigid. If you’re not panting and on the prowl, are you therefore undersexed? Nope. Most women’s desire and arousal doesn’t actually kick in until you’ve started to make love. While some women have really high sex drives, many women just don’t. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy making love anyway! If you throw yourself into it, and believe your body will follow, it likely will.
If, on the other hand, you believe Hollywood and you’re waiting until you’re completely turned on to have sex, you may be waiting a long time.
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4. The Men Always Have Libidos Through the Roof
Men are sex obsessed. Every man is thinking about sex all the time. Whether it’s the nerds in The Big Bang Theory or the detectives in Law & Order, they’re all out to “get some”.
What We Feel: About 30% of women have the higher sex drive in their marriages. And if you’re that woman, it’s easy to figure, “I must be really, really undesirable.” Because every other guy is sex obsessed except for mine!
But what if it’s not true? What if not every guy IS sex obsessed? Then perhaps we wouldn’t feel so rejected. If your husband doesn’t want sex, you’re not alone! In the research I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that in about 25-30% of marriages the woman has the higher sex drive. I have a four-part series on dealing with husbands with low libidos that may help you.
5. Porn is Fun! (Not!)
When characters on sitcoms watch porn, it’s usually something to laugh about. Sometimes couples watch it together, in the hopes of getting aroused together. Or the guys watch porn on poker night. It’s just a natural part of life.
If you want to get a handle on porn in your marriage, and protect your kids in the process, Covenant Eyes is a great resource. Use the code TLHV to get your first month free!
6. Marriage is Boring
Back in the 1990s my husband and I used to watch Friends. I thought Chandler was just hilarious. But one night, after a particularly raunchy episode, we realized we were essentially watching a show about people jumping into bed with one another. And we stopped.
In Hollywood, the hottest sex scenes usually occur the FIRST time a couple falls into bed. It’s that conquest that makes it so arousing. And so most shows revolve around winning a new person to go to bed with. Marriage, where you past that “first” time decades ago, is awfully boring.
What We Feel: Sex needs to be new, and fresh, and exciting! And marriage is the opposite of all of that. We start to feel like we’re missing out on something, and that all we have is the boring leftovers. The reason we’re not satisfied, we think, must be because we’re with the same partner who doesn’t know how to turn us on. In reality, though, the best sex is between married people–and not even newlyweds! In my research for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that the best years for sex in marriage were between years 16-20. So sex isn’t boring–practice is actually far sexier than conquests!
God made sex to be AWESOME!
Feel like something’s missing?
7. Sex is Best When You Play the Field
Sex is better with practice, says our media. You can’t expect to know what to do unless you practice with a bunch of people!
What We Feel: We won’t know if we’re sexually compatible unless we have sex before marriage. We forget that sex is also truly intimate, and it’s the intimacy that gives sex power. You don’t have to know how to please everyone in the world; you just have to study your spouse, and you can do that in marriage.
8. Sex Has No Repercussions
People drop into bed easily in movies and TV shows, and then the next day go on their merry way, treating the whole thing “like adults”. It doesn’t have to affect anything; it’s just a fun one-night stand. You don’t see broken hearts, or people who have trouble getting rid of sexual baggage from past relationships. You very rarely see people struggling with STDs. Sex is treated as a simple recreational activity–almost like you use each other as sex toys for your own enjoyment, with no commitment.
What We Feel: Many of us DO struggle with sexual baggage. We do struggle with jealousy over our husband’s past lovers. We expect sex to be easy, and we’re not prepared for the mind games and the guilt and shame that can come afterwards if we have sex with multiple partners. It’s sad, because our media is really cheapening sex and taking the power out of it.
9. Foreplay is Unnecessary
Most women require a LOT of foreplay to become aroused enough to enjoy making love. Many women require a lot of touching to even reach climax. But on the screen, people grope and kiss and within less than two minutes the clothes are off and the bodies are joined. No one ever gropes around to find just the right body parts to caress. No one ever has to ask, “is this the right place?” They automatically know, and everybody automatically feels amazing.
What We Feel: If simply ripping clothes off isn’t enough to arouse us, then we start to wonder if there’s something wrong. And we feel weird and uncomfortable asking our husbands for more foreplay, because it honestly looks like NO ONE ELSE NEEDS IT. We’re the freaks. And you start to think everyone else must be way more sexually responsive than you are, because two minutes of groping does nothing for you.
10. The Couple Always Reaches the Big “O” Simultaneously
No one ever struggles with making sex feel good. From the very first time (in movies like The Notebook), women experience absolute bliss. And the bliss is perfectly timed, too! There’s no “making sure she feels good” first. There’s no struggling with how to reach the Big “O” at all! It’s just absolutely easy and natural.
What We Feel: No wonder so many new brides feel like there’s something wrong with their bodies! Look, ladies: most women do not experience simultaneous orgasm. They don’t. That’s not to say it isn’t possible; it’s just that it’s not terribly common. And in my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, only about 60% of women “usually” or “always” experienced orgasm during intercourse at all. Most of the rest reached it some other way, and that’s perfectly fine.
It’s great to aim for the stars, and here’s a post that can help you do that. But you are not a freak if things don’t come easily!
I can think of tons of other unrealistic portrayals–no one ever has morning breath, no one ever goes to the bathroom afterwards, no one ever is freezing so they have to wear flannel.
But these ones about marriage being boring, porn being arousing, men wanting it all the time, and women responding easily and rapidly really distort how sex works for most people. And it distorts how God made sex to work! You were made so that your body takes longer to heat up. You were made so that in order for sex to feel good for both of you, you have to have a lot of communication. You have to know each other well. You have to be able to be vulnerable. And it isn’t automatic, and that’s perfectly okay.
It is not you that’s messed up when it comes to sex; it’s Hollywood!
So don’t take it as the baseline for what your sex life should be. And don’t worry what other people are experiencing, either! What matters is what you and your husband manage to work at together. If you’re happy, that’s great. And if you’re not happy, the answer likely isn’t to try to emulate Hollywood. It’s just to get to know yourself better, know your husband better, and understand how and why God created sex.
Oh, and by the way: RELAX!
Now let me know in the comments: Any other lies Hollywood says that we believe about sex? Let’s talk about it on this S-C-A-R-Y day!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Such a great article – lot of truth in there!!! I know for myself personally, as one of the 30% of women who is more sexually interested than their husbands, movies and tv often make me feel like an undesirable freak, or discontent because he ‘should’ want it all the time. For a while after we first got married, I couldn’t even read any of the marriage books that were given to us, because they were all talking about how your husband is going to ‘want sex all the time, and you’re not, but you just need to do it anyways because that’s what’s right.’….talk about feeling messed up:/ But the search to find out whether I really WAS a freak or not was what led me to finding your blog – well, that and the ‘after-effects’ of my husband’s pornography addiction that he had quit the year we met.
Your blog has blessed me, and both of us, so much! You’ve answered some questions that no one else ever seems to talk about. Your articles on pornography and moving past the effects have helped us both a lot – many of them I read and then shared with him, and it helped him gain a better understanding of what was going on in his life and why many things sexually weren’t really working for us, and that understanding led him to finally accept getting some help. It’s also made me (and my husband) understand and appreciate God’s design for intimacy so much more – and through doing so and learning healthy communication and compromise, things are definitely heading in a healthier direction in my marriage, praise God!
Thank you so much, Sheila!! God really is using your work to bless so many lives, and my husband and I are so grateful!!
*also, on the topic of the article – can we talk about how there’s no one ever getting tangled up in the sheets when it’s cold? Haha And never any clumsy moments even though they’re not familiar with each other much…lol.
Oh, I’m so glad that you’ve found this blog useful! That’s awesome, Hannah!
And I totally get you about getting tangled up in the sheets. And why does everybody always look so great when they wake up in the morning? And how do so many people sleep naked? It’s COLD in Canada!
And there’s no mess/clean up! An engaged friend asked me to lunch to ask about sex after she got married and I let her know to be prepared for the mess afterward. She was so confused! I just told her what to have nearby and that she’d understand soon enough. She texted me on her honeymoon to say she got it now. 😂 But talking later she said exactly the point of this post, that newlywed sex was NOTHING like the movies.
So true! That’s one of my points in my Top 10 Wedding Night Tips. We really aren’t told this stuff!
This is so true! After 3 years of marriage me and my wife still seem to forget how messy sex is. After sex It’s always like: “What are we going to clean up with” and my wife tells me: “Get a clean shirt fast” and then I run and get it and sometimes she’s like: “No, not that one” and then I run back. And I often think, I need to fix that before we have sex but do I remember? Of course not. And it’s so annoying because it kills the mood to be running like that. But I guess we forget because in the movies they never do that. So this one is so true.
So funny!
This conversation is cracking me up because it is so true. My husband and I were just joking a few day ago about sex now being a “two towel event”. Seems to get messier the longer we are married…which for me means it just keeps getting better! Our solution is that when we do laundry half the towels go in the bathroom and half the towels go in the little space between our nightstand and bed.
That’s a great idea!
Must fix that as soon as possible!
I won’t watch sexually graphic movies and I am not fond of romances. Hubby loves movies and tv shows and won’t let lewd scenes stop him from enjoying the movie as a whole.
I do think watching so many movies and dabbling in porn have affected him because he wants fairly quick, mutual piv orgasms with little to no foreplay.
Also, I can tell when he is watching a TV show with lots of sex and nudity, or he starts watching inappropriate stuff again because he changes. His behavior towards me is more aggressive, selfish, and critical. He is also less likely to communicate with me.
Sheila, I am just curious where you got the 30% number (women who have a higher sex drive). I have read 10, 15 and 20% but not 30 until I read this on your site. I also wonder if this is different among the generations. A pastor friend has told me (from his counseling experiences) that among the younger generation, many women have a higher sex drive in Christian marriages.
Hi there! In the studies that I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I got 24%. But most secular researchers are now saying 28-30%, though I do think that it’s higher in the secular world than in the church, just because the secular world does have more pathology, and SOME (though not all) of low male libido is from sin.
Also, there’s a huge difference in generations. The younger generation definitely has more women with higher sex drives, mostly because it has more men with LOW sex drives, mostly because of porn. It is sad!
Sheila writes: “The younger generation definitely has more women with higher sex drives, mostly because it has more men with LOW sex drives, mostly because of porn. It is sad!” But isn’t it better that more than 30% of the women in relationships in the younger generation have higher sex drives? I know porn isn’t good, but either is it good that 70% of men in the older generations have higher sex drives. Why don’t you lament that fact, Sheila? It’s because you’re a woman, I would say. If porn means that an equal number of women now have as high a sex drive as the men, isn’t this much better than a 30-70 split? As a guy in the 70% group, I’d say it definitely is!
Thomas, no, I wouldn’t say it’s a good thing. What is good is for all of us to have HEALTHY sexuality, the way we were made. If men have no libido because their brains have been rewired to be aroused by an image, rather than a person, and that intimacy is no longer arousing, but only the idea of stranger sex, that is definitely not a good thing.
It is wrecking marriages, and it is wrecking their ability to be intimate on any level. This is a huge scourge that needs to be dealt with.
Sheila, I’m not defending porn. I agree that it kills intimacy. I agree that it’s a scourge – good word for it. But, not trying to be mean, I want to mention again that you are being insensitive to all the men in the 70% group who have higher libidos than their wives. You are more disturbed that porn use is the reason for the leveling of the libido skew in the newer generations than you are that 70% of men are in pain every day because they have higher libidos than their wives. (Now I know you can point me to articles you’ve written to help these husbands, but I just wanted to point out that your disdain for porn made you twice fail to lament the 30-70 skew, in this current context (in this current thread).)
Just curious why the percentage matters? What if it were 50/50? That’s still pretty much EVERY couple where one spouse has a higher drive than the other. It happens to be more men. But it is also hard to be a high drive woman when the world/church tells you all men want is sex and women aren’t supposed to want it. In any case, the *vast majority* of marriages do not have matched sex drives. In fact I cannot think of a single couple. So if we are all unevenly matched, what is there to lament? Perhaps God intentionally designed it this way because it requires work, growth, and vulnerability from BOTH partners in order to build a mutually satisfying sex life…
This is exactly what I’ve been realizing over the last few years and a big part of what I teach at Girl Talk: “Perhaps God intentionally designed it this way because it requires work, growth, and vulnerability from BOTH partners in order to build a mutually satisfying sex life…”
Yep. Differences in sex drives force us to meet each other’s needs and go outside our comfort zone, and that actually creates intimacy. If we were the same, there wouldn’t be the same drive to chase each other and woo each other in the way we need.
Yep, and pretty much every couple has a spender and a saver, an early riser and a night owl, a talker and a silent type, a hermit and a social butterfly, someone who likes sweets and someone who likes savoury…
In any case, there are so many ways in which we can differ from our spouses! The point isn’t to be the same, it is to find unity even when we want different things. We need to find the balance of having a servant heart and getting our needs met (with heavy emphasis on the serving). If both spouses have a serving heart and they have good communication so they actually KNOW each other’s needs, then it will work, no matter how different they are.
Sometimes I think people put too much emphasis on getting sex perfect. Ithink that sex seems to have a far greater ability for us to show our true selfish hearts, rather than serving our mate. Sex is something we need to work on in our marriages, but I think it should always be approached with a serving attitude from BOTH partners, looking to meet the needs of their mate. I believe that that is the recipe for the very best marriage.
Thomas, I think you are misreading what Sheila has said. The higher percentage of women with higher libidos is no due to THEIR porn use, it is due to a decrease in male libido, caused by MALE use of porn. This is obviously a huge generalised statistic, I am sure there are anomalies. But I can’t see how that statistic is in anyway something to be celebrated!
No, E, I know what Sheila was saying. I know it’s about men’s greater user of porn. But my point is that a 50-50 libido split in the newer generations, if that’s where it’s at (I doubt women have caught up to men even in the newer generations), where the men are using a lot of porn, is no worse than a 70-30 split where 70% of the men are in emotional pain each day because their wives are lower-drive.
It’s interesting how higher-drive women complain of their pain, but they don’t seem to have appropriate empathy for the majority of men who are in the same pain. (Now I know there’s an added pain for women because men are “supposed” to want sex as much or more as women, but … still!)
Sorry for the late reply.
I find your ‘celebration’ of another persons pain, just because it somewhat ‘evens up’ the gender disparity, to be really disappointing. I would MUCH rather see more marriages where both spouses are sexually satisfied, than being happy that the ‘unhappy higher drive spouse’ is more evenly spread between the genders, ESPECIALLY when the main reason for this is because so many men in the younger generations are becoming addicted to pornography, and are becoming unable and unwilling to participate in Godly sexual intimacy.
You seem to be a very passionate advocate for the male voice on this blog, and I find it kind of shameful actually that you would bring that particular argument up, and basically just dismiss all the husbands that are now lower drive, who are fighting a huge battle to get rid of their porn addiction. You are basically telling them that what they are going through doesn’t matter, because at least now some women are feeling the pain that so many men have felt!
Personally, I don’t think it matters what anyone’s gender is, EVERYONE in this world has felt pain, and trying to classify who has it the hardest really isn’t going to help. You are never going to get anything more than occasional pity sex and a spouse that doesn’t respect you if the way you approach getting more sex is ‘I’m in so much more pain than you’.
The only way to increase sexual intimacy is to increase communication and trust between spouses, and find things that work for BOTH of them. And walk closer with Jesus.
Amen! Very well said, E.
Just reading this comment about the pain men feel when their wife has a lower drive. Why does a lower drive have to cause pain? Every marriage will have differences in sex drives. It will go up and down depending on the stage of life and the circumstances of the couple. I happen to be a low drive spouse, so maybe I’m not qualified to answer this, but I feel that a couple should work together to meet each others needs. My husband lovingly puts in a little extra work to get me in the mood, and I lovingly try to meet his needs even when I’m not really feeling it. Men and women have so much stress on their plates, if our spouses just took time to understand each other, then the lines of communication would open and the sexual intimacy would explode!
Great perspective, D! Totally agree.
Great article! I will say though that there is a HUGE gap between how aged men in Hollywood are “allowed” to look to still be considered “sexy” and how aged women are “allowed” to look and still be considered “sexy”. If a woman has lines, cellulite, skin that hangs, extra weight, (the list of things that can be wrong with a woman can go on and on really) then she is no longer deemed worthy of the term. Men however seem to retain their “sex symbol” status much easier regardless their signs of aging.
It is also much more common for a movie with nudity to contain female nudity than male nudity. And let me be clear, the answer isn’t a fair amount of both. No nudity is good nudity. What does really irk me is the fact that there are so many women in the media who are WILLING to disrobe without a second thought. Women seem to be glorified for this in Hollywood and there doesn’t seem to be any negative consequences for these women who help to not only perpetuate and support the objectification of women but make it much easier for real life women to be subjected to the impossible standards that Hollywood puts in place. And I’m not just talking about movies and tv. Magazine, billboards, music videos, concerts, cd covers, commercials, online ads, the list could go on forever. Naked or near naked women are literally everywhere these days. We talk about men being predators of women, but does anyone ever stop to think that maybe these women are predators of men?
And I am not saying women in the media deserve all the blame. What I am saying is that we talk about what the men are doing wrong WAY more than we talk about what the women are doing wrong. Like the article about Hugh Hefner when he died. The evil and destruction he caused was talked about but what about the women who were willing to pose for the magazines? Their choices and actions greatly contributed to the evil and destruction but they certainly didn’t get any of the blame for it. When any of those women die will we talk about the evil legacy they left behind? Probably not.
I think that’s a very good point. But I also think that many actresses just can’t get roles unless they’re willing to do this. AND that wouldn’t be the case if people didn’t watch this stuff and like it. I mean, we can talk about how women shouldn’t do this, but the fact is that they make a ton of money from it, and there will ALWAYS be women who are willing to do it when there’s money involved. The problem, I think, is that there is such a demand for it. I agree that they’re making terrible choices, but just like drugs will always have suppliers if there are buyers, there will always be nudity if there is demand for it.
I wish more actresses would say no (and certainly some have), but I also think we bear responsibility for watching this stuff and making a market for this stuff. The simple fact is that women don’t really care that much about male nudity, whereas there is a demand for female nudity. It is sad.
Sheila wrote: “The simple fact is that women don’t really care that much about male nudity, whereas there is a demand for female nudity. It is sad.” I know Sheila, by saying “It is sad” is saying that it is sad that there is a demand for female nudity. But, as a guy, I think it is much sadder that women don’t really care that much about male nudity. Boy, is that such a depressing thought!
Hmmm… not sure if that comment about women not caring about male nudity is totally true. I sure like looking at my spouse. I find the male form very interesting. Let’s face it… men have been, are largely still are, in control of the media. They put lots of female nudity in film, etc. because that’s what they want to see and they know it will sell.
I’m a huge fan of my husband’s naked body as well! And I think the whole idea that women just don’t care about male nudity as much is a lie that continues to fuel the other lie that men can’t control their appreciation for the naked female body because they are “visually stimulated” and women aren’t. So the media continues to use that as an excuse to bank on women who are willing to get naked for attention and money. I think a similar phenomenon would happen if it were men’s naked bodies that were constantly being displayed everywhere. Women would magically become the sex with higher “visual stimulation”. I think ultimately both sexes have the same potential to be visually stimulated it’s just that a man’s stimulation is much more obvious due to erections and that has been exploited and the male sex drive and what stimulates it has been greatly distorted and corrupted through the years.
I also think that the demand causing the supply theory doesn’t quite work when it comes to nudity (mostly female) and sex in all forms of media. I think in this case the large supply is making it a lot easier for younger generations to become exposed to this material. And when it isn’t being openly protested it becomes the norm for yet another generation who will ultimately demand more. So it could be said that the easily accessible supply is causing a larger demand.
Not true for me or my friends! We love to see nude men and are HIGHLY visually stimulated.
As we believe porn is harmful to intimacy we choose to avoid it. We DO notice good looking men but it is not socially acceptable for women to openly notice good looking men but men are expected to notice women. I work with women who are very frustrated by the lack of “eye candy” in movies for women.
The naked male body is beautiful to me and my friends just as a naked woman’s body is beautiful to a man.
Please do not lump all women together. I work with women of all ages and they disclose they have very high sex drives but they were taught to not talk about it.
Sheila, you make great points and I would be inclined to agree with you if I thought that this was just a movie industry supply and demand issue. But I don’t think that. I think there is something else (besides money) motivating the destructive choices that women are making. I have had a theory for a long time that women are becoming addicted to sexual attention in the same way that a lot of men find themselves addicted to lusting after women. The truth is that there is power behind the ability to arouse a man. In the context of marriage this power is good and pure and downright fun at times! I love the fact that God has given me the ability to arouse my husband. It is a gift that God intended for marriage, but many women are choosing to use that gift to seduce the young, old, single, and married. Not necessarily seducing them into sex but seducing them into lust. It’s the attention and power they crave. And their desire for that power is corrupted, overgrown, and destructive. It’s not just women in the media. It’s the women and young girls we encounter in everyday life as well. And by not addressing this issue it is getting worse. If you haven’t noticed, young girls and women aren’t exactly getting more modest or less promiscuous. I am not saying that this is an issue for all women just as I would never say that lust is an issue for all men. But I do believe this issue among girls and women is getting more common and worse because it has been left unchecked for so long.
I think you make a very astute observation, Samantha. And I really like when you write: “I have had a theory for a long time that women are becoming addicted to sexual attention in the same way that a lot of men find themselves addicted to lusting after women. ” I feel though that people don’t like to acknowledge this though – they want to keep their shaming and disapproving finger pointed directly at men.
Well I have never thought the finger pointing in either direction has done much good. Afterall, when you point a finger three point back at you.
I would agree that most people don’t like considering the fact that women may have a weakness when it comes to desiring attention and even less women will readily admit that they have been guilty of dressing or acting in such a way to attempt to attract sexual attention from men. I know because I have been guilty of it in the past and was reluctant to admit it to myself.
I think we do need to broaden our scope when it comes to lust. I think we need to address the role women play in it and not from an accusatory standpoint, but for the purpose of helping women to address their own heart and sin issues so that more women can put this unhealthy and destructive desire behind them. And I do think it would be helpful if more women (the young, old, single, and married) were willing to admit that sometimes they do dress to attract the male gaze. If women were willing to be honest about this then I think we would gain a deeper understanding of lust as a human issue rather than mostly a male issue.
*And I am not saying all women struggle with this. But there are definitely women who do and it has never been given the same attention as the struggle a lot of men have with lusting after women.
And I will say this: there is an attitude in both camps that when one sex is found weak or guilty in some area the other has an overwhelming urge to say, “ha! You’re not so perfect! You’re just as bad as you say I am! It’s your fault too and it is probably MORE your fault than mine anyway.” This attitude needs to stop. Instead we should rejoice and be comforted that we aren’t alone. We should want to help each other. We should use our struggles to relate with one another and realize we aren’t so very different. We’re all just broken versions of our real selves and our desire should be to help God restore all of His broken masterpieces.
Best piece of sex advice from a kind friend when I got married years ago was “remember it’s not like it is the movies!”
So yes, I’m a woman, and I am definitely in the 30% of wives with a higher drive. And yes, it’s hard to believe it’s as high as 30%, because I am the only woman like that whom I know.
But the part about thinking “I must be really, really undesireable” is SO TRUE! And it’s not just Hollywood, but books, blogs, counselors, friends, church, etc. – so many sources make me feel that way because they all seem to stress how important sex is to men. A couple bloggers, like you and J, have recently addressed the higher drive wife, and it is refreshing.
My husband may have “responsive” desire – and it’s awful! Maybe I’m selfish, but I have a longing to know what it’s like to be wanted, desired, and pursued. I don’t think that’s ever going to happen for me, and I need to learn to accept that. It’s very hard not to assume I must be incredibly ugly. Or that my body repulses him. Because yes, if I were to listen to Hollywood, it sure seems like all other men simply can’t get enough.
Thanks for the post!
this helps me understand my husband better, he’s higher drive and while I try my best to keep up, I know he probably feels like this sometimes.
My husband is a reformed ponography user (12 years)I have been against “talking dirty” to him as he wants it about things he saw in porn movies. He says it’s just talk between husband and wife but I’m afraid it just keeps the images (which he says are still in his minds eye) fresh. He says he needs this to reach orgasm. He was molested as a 6/7 year old and grew up with porn and dirty magazines – it’s all he’s known. We’ve been married for 41 years so we’ve hit some medical problems also. He says he needs this, I say no there has to be a way. We made it through. 31 days to great sex with out great sex – too much work ;-(. Guidance pleasr