I don’t know any parent who manages to escape unscathed after that the harrowing ordeal of teaching their kids about puberty and sex.
And yet I think our kids get the worst end of it.
This week I am so excited to be launching The Whole Story: Not so Scary Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. It’s an online video based course that moms share with their daughters to teach about puberty (and sex!). And it stars my daughters! Rebecca and Katie (22 & 20) do the talks for the daughters, while I have videos and audios to give moms pep talks. And then checklists, discussion starters, and mother-daughter activities help moms to continue the conversation. Check it out here!
It’s not a REPLACEMENT for you. It’s a RESOURCE to make it not so scary!
Very few of us do this well. I was speaking about sex from the stage, and yet when it came to my own kids, I still clammed up (I got progressively better, and by the time they were 14/15 I was a champ. But it took a while to get there!)
And as the girls and I were commiserating together, we remembered 10 things that I really messed up with when teaching them about sex. I thought I’d share those with you so you can see that you’re not alone!
1. I forgot to give them the words for female genitalia
I shared this story yesterday, but it’s too good not to share again.
One day we’re grocery shopping around a holiday, when the parking lot is packed. I’m unpacking the groceries into the car, while the girls are hanging on outside of it. And 5-year-old Rebecca pipes up, really loudly, “Mommy, why do you have hair on your bum and I don’t?”
Other shoppers stared at me and started to snicker. Was I really some werewolf under these mom jeans? Did I really have hair on my backside?
I wasn’t even sure what Rebecca was getting at, until it dawned on me…
I had never given her a word for female genitalia. She didn’t know how to say “vulva” or “vagina”. She just called the whole thing a bum, kind of like a big basketball that extended from the back to the front.
Whoops.
2. Rebecca thought the penis was like a finger
But don’t worry! I was an equal opportunity offender. I gave her the wrong impression of the male genitalia, too.
When Rebecca was 10 I took her away on a weekend where we listened to a CD based course on puberty (that’s where I got the idea for our course). In it, a man was explaining what sex was. And he said that the penis was sort of like a finger. So for the longest time Rebecca thought the penis operated like a finger.
And she could just never figure out, why do guys have to scratch themselves if they already have a finger down there?
3. Rebecca thought sex involved women looking like a starfish
Along the same lines, that CD explained that, during sex, the woman lay on her back with her legs spread out while a man entered her. So Rebecca pictured sex to be a woman lying still like a starfish. She was busy taking advanced swimming lessons then, and they “starfished” a lot in the pool. Yep.
4. I pushed purity too young with Rebecca
Now, if having a finger “down there” and pointing it at a woman who is starfishing doesn’t sound that attractive, have no fear! It only got worse. So then this course took us through a lot of activities where girls were taught that having sex before marriage will ruin the beauty of sex (because starfishing, apparently, is beautiful). So girls were asked to promise never to have sex until they were married.
Rebecca was more than willing to promise never to starfish and never to let anyone get his finger-thing near her. So that wasn’t hard to do. But as she grew up and we got talking, she said that this idea of purity being so important really impacted her spiritual life. She grew up thinking that if she wasn’t perfect, she’d lose something precious. And that’s just not what I wanted her to know. Yes, we want our kids to wait until they’re married, but we don’t want to scare them into it or make them feel as if God is inaccessible if they don’t do all the right things. This one made me sad.
5. I waited too long to have Katie wear a training bra
Shortly after I went through the trauma of that weekend with Rebecca (which was rather difficult for her, too!) I started to notice something. Katie, who was only about 9 1/2, was starting to develop. There she is, this little girl who still likes polly pockets, and her T-shirts look remarkably odd. Like she’s almost become a pair of walking nipples (you know what I mean? Sometimes those develop first and it looks so ODD!).
But I wasn’t prepared for it. She was just so young. So I tried to ignore it, until finally Keith said that we just had to put her in a training bra.
6. I made Katie think sex was a horrible torturous thing
I waited too long for that. But I handled sex a little bit better with Katie, I thought. I had always decided that I would answer any questions they had, whenever they asked. Rebecca never did (hence the weekend), but Katie sure did! When she was 8, she wanted to know all about it.
“How long does he have to put it in for?” was her first question, after I told her the facts.
Then, the next morning, right after she got up, the first thing she did was to run over to me and give me a big hug and say, “I’m so sorry you had to do that to get me, Mommy! But thank you for going through that!” Obviously something was lost in translation.
7. I forgot to tell Katie how to shave.
I also forgot to tell her some basic stuff, like how to shave. I kind of assumed Rebecca would, I guess. They did share a bathroom, after all! But one day Katie’s just crying because her whole legs are bleeding, and it turns out she was shaving dry with a rusty razor. She didn’t know you weren’t supposed to shave dry. Whoops. I think she may still have a scar on her ankle!
8. I gave up talking about the personal stuff once they knew the factual details
Nevertheless, somehow we muddled through. I think I handled periods well with both girls (at least there’s nothing too traumatic they could remember). But somehow the conversations seemed to stop from the age of 11, when puberty hit and we went over everything, to about 15 when I started to become a confidante. I told them the facts; I wasn’t very good at engaging them in making it personal. What about sexual feelings? What about crushes? Nope. Ignored all that.
9. I ignored porn, because, after all, they were girls!
And I especially ignored porn! After all, they were girls, and they were REALLY good girls, and I shouldn’t have to worry, right? Besides, how would I even bring it up? (Yeah, there’s that pesky stat, too, about how the fastest growing group of porn users are teen girls…) I wrote about teens, media, and God in a post here after Katie told me about how she struggled watching Vampire Diaries.
10. I didn’t explain what boys were going through
Finally, I explained NOTHING about what boys were going through with puberty. Nothing about erections. Nothing about wet dreams. Nothing about anything. And so my girls weren’t as sympathetic to the guys in their youth group as they could have been. Rebecca was just adamant that in our course we record a video explaining to girls what boys are going through, and giving them tips to leave a boy alone if he just wants to stay seated or stay in the corner for a little while!
But here’s the good news…
I figured it out!
And as they got older, we began to laugh about a lot of this stuff. I found it easier to talk to them. And we really did get over all of those mistakes. Like Rebecca writes in her upcoming book Why I Didn’t Rebel, when you’re open and honest with your kids, you don’t need to be a perfect parent. Authenticity really matters more. Forging a close relationship where you can talk helps overcome even awkwardness!
You don’t have to make my mistakes when teaching YOUR daughters about puberty
Many of these problems were because I told them the bare minimum I could get away with…and didn’t follow up to see if they understood. And I didn’t create an environment where they felt that they could ask questions.
That’s where The Whole Story comes in! Our course features my daughters giving the lessons (because most 10-15 year old girls would rather hear this stuff from young women), but then it encourages the moms and daughters to keep talking, with lots of discussion questions and printables!
It’s YOUR discussions that really matter…but we help facilitate them in a non-awkward way.
So check the course out. It’s our prayer that it makes these talks much easier for you–because EVERYONE finds them hard!
PS: Want to see Katie and Rebecca and me all laughing about how I messed up? Here you go!
Now let me know in the comments–how did you mess up teaching your daughters about puberty? Or how did your mom mess up with you? Let’s talk!
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I was a few years into my marriage before learning what pornography was. I thought it was just pictures of nude women. I didn’t understand how one could “watch” pictures. It makes so much more sense now, and I’m more empathetic to those who struggle with that addiction. My poor husband has had to explain a lot of things to me that were either lost in translation or never discussed because I was a “good girl” and my family and friends didn’t want to “ruin” that. I also couldn’t conceive that there was anything between kissing and sex. I didn’t know what 2nd base and 3rd base were.
We now have 4 little boys. I’m confident I could successfully have The Talk with hypothetical daughters. I know I’ll be able to openly discuss sexuality with my sons when they are old enough, but I’m not confident in my knowledge about everything. Do you have resources to recommend? My husband is a family doctor, and I know he’ll take the lead on this when the time is right. Right now, with the boys so young and me a stay-at-home mom, I’m their primary confidant. I will probably be the one they go to first with questions, at least during the preteen years. It would be awesome if you decided to form a partnership with some godly men to create material for a boy’s/young men’s version of this.
We’re actually working on a boy’s version! I really hope to have it up in early 2018. So pray with us, because we’ve got the curriculum written and we know who we’d like to have do it, but we’re just praying that God brings the right guys to us!
Glad you’re working on a boy version since I’ve only got one son! He’s 13!
One thing I find shocking is how many boys assume that sex not only will happen on their wedding night, but MUST happen. Two things I learned about sex from my father were: 1. It is going to hurt a lot. 2. It is a shame if she can’t push through the first night, and he will shame her for it even decades later. If only she just grit her teeth and pushed through the hurt, it would have gotten better faster.
So, that is exactly what I did with my husband. And I could barely walk the next day it hurt so badly. He is “proud” that I did that, and confused when I told him I discovered that it could take days, weeks, even months before some virgin women,can fully accept their husband’s penis.
There is this sense of entitlement, especially if he is “forced to wait to stay pure.
That needs to be addressed.
I got the same advice from my mom. Fortunately, my husband was as gentle as possible and allowed us to take our time. I’m so grateful for him for his patience and how he cared for me physically and emotionally during our honeymoon, and the months following as we fogured thimgs out comfortably in our own time.
That’s a great point, Libl! That totally does need to be reframed, that it’s a learning process for both of you and that it’s okay if it takes a while. Wow, I’m so sorry that you went through that. But I’m even more sorry that other people thought that was okay!
I have heard that before! I have heard men say, “Just get it over with the first night and then worry about the warm up later.”
This is one of the MAJOR disconnects in how I think purity is taught to men and women. I’ve talked about this with women and their husbands at several events. It’s like boys are told, “Sex is great and I know you want it, just hang in there buddy! Hang in there. Get that ring on it, and then she’s all yours and it’s going to be AMAZING.” Meanwhile, at the all girls meeting, they’re too busy being shamed and told that if they even THINK about sex they’ve done something wrong. We don’t talk about hymens or lubricant. We just don’t talk about it at all.
And, somehow, we think that’s going to end well.
This is why I get lube as a wedding gift for all of my bride friends when they get married. Yes, I am that friend, but I don’t care. I believe women should enjoy sex and darn it, if you don’t know how to help yourself in that area (because no one ever told you), I am going to do what I can to make that happen, or at least keep you from limping around the day after.
I am SO sorry you went through that.
My parents didn’t do 3 and 6, but all the others apply. . .
Luckily eventually I figured it all out, but not without some embarrassing situations, and am very happily married.
Now to not make the same mistakes with my son’s.
Love it!!!
I feel like things went pretty smoothly with my oldest daughter (and son). They just kind of always knew about periods so it was natural to expand on it when they were older. And my daughter asked about sex at 9. Good thing cause she clammed up as a teen and would rather die than talk to me about sex or body stuff.
She did ask if there was any other way to get a baby.
Fast forward. My younger 2 are way less mature and I know they aren’t ready. I did finally get the opportunity to tell my 10 1/2 year old daughter about periods!!! Then she like repressed the memory. So I had to do it over. There’s NO WAY she’s ready for learning about sex.
Yeah, that sounds familiar! It’s funny how kids can be so different within families!
I know what you mean about teens clamming up. That’s what we hope from this course–that the older version especially will help teens want to talk to their moms, cause it’s so important. And teens tend to think that we know nothing, when really we do know what they’re going through. They just don’t believe it!
I think I first really learned about periods from Babysitters Club and “Are you there God, it’s me, Margaret.” Judy Blume FTW.
Oh, “Are you there God, It’s Me Margaret.” That book scarred me. “We must, we must, we must increase our bust….”
TBH, I don’t really remember my mom talking to me about sex. I was raised Roman Catholic. The message was Don’t Do It until you’re married! So my info came from friends & sex Ed classes at school.
Yikes! I think many of us got our messages from friends. I got mine from novels (now that’s bad!)
My Christian parents did not talk to me about sex. When I was 12, my Mom gave me booklet on where babies came from…that was it! I am so glad that there are more resources available now for Christian parents.
Yeah, I think that’s a lot of people’s experience! We really must get better at this, because it does matter.
Oh your poor girls! This is hilarious!
My mom never taught me about sex. She gave me a book to read about periods when I was 9 or 10, asked if I understood, and that was that. I knew sex questions were off limits because she caught me and a friend talking about sex and I got a talking to about it, and so did my friend. But she didn’t verify that the info I got from my friend was even true. It was just “bad.” So I never asked anything, ever. I looked it up in the parents guide to Childcraft Encyclopedias where it talks about how to explain sex to a child. So at least I got an age-appropriate explanation, even if I had to find it myself. Oddly, I’ve never had shame about sex in marriage. I count that as a miracle!
I don’t think kids are in my future, but if I had any, I would order the course you and your daughters have come out with in a heartbeat!
Thanks, Ashley! I can think of so many friends who learned about sex by reading the books on the shelves, too. It’s too bad parents couldn’t just talk to us. I do hope that this course helps!
Several years ago our daughter got her first period (around 12 or so) and I was out of town on business so all on my wife’s capable shoulders. Happened in the evening before bedtime and so they go thru the necessary nuts & bolts “training program”, etc. Got her all settled into bed, and just before turning out the lights, wife gives a gentle reminder, “you know, now that you’ve gotten your period, it means you can get pregnant.” Daughter’s eyes got big as saucers, her body tenses up and a look of sheer terror comes over her face. To which wife then says “…but you have to have the sex, first!” and daughter’s shoulders fall and she breathes out this HUGE sigh of relief. Okay so maybe we hadn’t previously explained things quite as thoroughly as we’d thought!? Still laugh about that one.
Oh, dear! That did make me laugh!
I laughed at quite a few of these. Also, were you aware that “starfishing” is actually a (derogatory :/ ) term for women who passively lay there during sex? So their thought wasn’t too far off…
The only thing my parents ever said about sex was that they believed abstinence was the best policy. I was too scared about what I would find if I looked up the word abstinence in the dictionary, so I was very ignorant about sex until I left for college and took a child development class.
I felt that my mom was too open and accepting, her attitude was more “I know you’re going to do it so I’ll tell you it’s acceptable”. It made me feel like I should give in to pressure since it was “normal.” Also, the sex terms she used were the terms she used when she was a teenager (i.e. petting) and it felt hard to connect with her because she seemed out of touch.
My mom never told me anything about sex. I sort of expected her to say something before I got married, but nope! I was also homeschooled and my church youth group was relatively tame so I didn’t pick up much from peers either. Fortunately, my husband had a copy of the book “Intended for Pleasure” which he gave me about a month before we got married so that I could learn exactly what sex is and how to do it. I guess the good part is that I got only really solid sex and marriage advice and therefore we have never really had sex problems, but the bad part was that I had to get over the horror of the whole thing just weeks before I was expected to “do it” instead of having several years for it to sink in. We will definitely be doing things much differently with our kids!
Oh, that is rough! At least you can decide to break the cycle for the next generation! (Seriously, moms, we have to get better at this!)
“intended for pleasure” is a great resource! A mentor friend of mine gave it to my husband and I when we got engaged. The best thing I did before our wedding night was to read it all the way thru and insist that my husband did as well! I truly believe it helped make our wedding night and honeymoon more enjoyable than it would have been (we were both virgins). He and I suggest that every engaged couple read it and we are flabbergasted by parents we’ve known who have told their soon-to-be-married children to not read it until AFTER their wedding night cuz they don’t want them thinking about sex too much (as if they aren’t already!).
My now 8 year old heard about sex from another 1st grader when she was 6. When she mentioned it to me, I was a bit taken aback, but didn’t freak out. I mentioned a couple of basics, but kept it simple. As soon as I have the funds, I’ll be grabbing that VIP package! I have a 6 year old and 4 year old as well, all girls! I’m gonna NEED that package! Haha!
I definitely want to be equipped to give the right advice and lead them down the right path. When I was a teen, I had the purity thing shoved down my throat. I’ve been told my beauty or whatever was a stumbling block, I couldn’t even PRAY with a guy, full-frontal hugs were bad, blah blah blah. No wonder I wasn’t a virgin on my wedding night. All the talk merely piqued my interest and I gave it up as soon as the guy I was with said he wanted it. All I had to go by was “sex is bad” and “I’ll beat your *** if you get pregnant!” So…I basically learned “don’t get caught”. And my now husband and I didn’t wait for marriage. We’ve gone to some seminars where they pushed the purity thing again, and that being a virgin on your wedding night is the only way to have amazing sex. They gave us the “playdoh” comparison. They flattened the dough in their hand, and said the flat, smooth dough was “pure”, and if you waited until your wedding night, the “handprint” would be perfect. They compared sex before marriage to getting fingerprints in your playdoh, therefore the handprint wouldn’t fit properly. I left feeling HORRIBLE, and that my husband and I were doomed to have sub-standard sex because we put too many fingerprints in our playdoh. I will not let my girls go through that.
Sheila, you are seriously giving me hope for my sex life. I already have your Good Girls book and your libido course, and I already see a difference. God bless you.
I looked over this again and when I read about 5 year old Rebecca saying you had hair on your bum, I felt the need to share this little gem from my own 5 year old, Sarah: I was changing clothes, and she saw me in the bathroom without pants, and she says, “Mommy! Your butt! It’s big! It’s gigantic! …Your vagina has whiskers!” I about died of laughter. I had already taught all three of my kids the correct terms, but maybe that backfired a little bit. Haha!
I have an almost 4 yo girl and a 16 mo boy, and I’m pregnant with our third. Right now we mainly use the correct terms when relevant (which has been a stretch for me, but it’s a good start), like diaper time and bath time. Since I’m pregnant we’ve been talking vaguely about the baby coming out, and she has decided that the baby pops! Haha. I’m not interested in updating that yet. But I’m glad these tools are out there. Unfortunately, porn is so readily accessible, so we’ll need to have certain conversations sooner than later (like how our bodies are private, and what to do if you see someone’s body; and lots of rules around cell phones!). I want to instill a sense of respect for sex in my kids, for it’s power and beauty, and how marriage is the best place for it. I want my daughter to understand her beauty is a source of strength, but she gives that away when she gives her body to someone who hasn’t vowed to protect it. I want my son to understand that it is honorable to protect women, and that especially includes not making a woman vulnerable who he has not vowed to protect with his life.