Some people are not worth mourning. Because of Hugh Hefner’s influence on our pornographic culture, I’d put him in that category.
We politely say RIP about pretty much everyone who dies, but that’s not the biblical view. Certainly we’re to pray for our enemies, but there’s also this realization that some people, by their very existence, make the world worse. And we don’t need to pretend otherwise.
Hugh Hefner was one such person.
I am mourning today, but I am not mourning for Hugh Hefner. I am mourning for what he did to our culture. Yesterday I was Skyping with Ashley Easter, who is doing great work helping survivors of abuse within the church, and promoting healing. And we were talking about how being married to someone with a porn addiction can give a wife PTSD, and can be abusive, in and of itself, especially if he’s dehumanizing her and asking her to act out things that he sees. He’s not treating her like a person; he’s treating her like an object. That’s what abuse does, too. They have that in common. They say: You are a body to use.
So I’d just like to write today about some of the thoughts that have been running through my head about Hugh Hefner’s influence on our society.
So many people in my generation had their first exposure to pornography through Playboy magazine
When I was about 8, my best friend Christine showed me a stack of Playboys in her shed that her dad had stashed there. I’m thankful that we didn’t look too hard at them, but I know she and her older brother looked at them a bunch.
It was normal to have stacks of Playboys around. I remember being on a missions trip when I was 16, and one of the female leaders, who was about 27 at the time, recounting how she had seen a Playboy when she was about 10, and she was still struggling to get those images out of her head. It really impacted how she saw sex.
And that’s one of the biggest problems: When we’re just starting to have sexual feelings, and then we see porn around the same time, we pair the feeling of sexual arousal with a degrading image, rather than with a relationship with someone we love. What becomes sexy, then, is that image. Later, when you’re with your spouse, it can be difficult to become aroused without dredging up those pictures, even if you saw them decades ago. That’s what porn does to you–it separates your sexual pleasure from your spouse, and causes you to disengage.
Playboy started that process of widespread sexual disengagement, because Playboy made porn acceptable
Certainly Playboy is not the main way that people see porn now. But Playboy largely started the porn culture. Before Playboy, the people who looked at porn were largely perverts. It was something done in secret, and certainly not talked about in polite company. But Hugh Hefner made porn “cool”. He put long exposes in his magazines, so much so that there was even a Braille edition of Playboy. People could jokingly say they read Playboy for the articles!
And he was a “gentleman”. He dressed in a suit. He invited people to parties. He made porn high class.
You didn’t need to feel ashamed anymore. Playboy was just what men did.
Soon Playboy wasn’t enough–and people needed more hard core porn
But we know what happened, don’t we? Playboy became too tame. That’s what porn addictions do. You no longer get a high from just looking at these women, so you need something “more” and something different. More magazines were started, with more hard core porn. When the internet came along, all boundaries were broken, and you could find anything.
It was Playboy that first knocked those doors down, and said, “Hey, it’s normal for guys to want to look at women! It’s healthy even! Let’s celebrate it!” And then the Pandora’s box was opened.
Hugh Hefner also made objectification of women cool
Just as women in the wider society were arguing that they needed to be taken seriously for their brains and more than their bodies, Hugh Hefner made the opposite seem reasonable. He was in this rich mansion. He was wining and dining the elite of society. His parties were always talked about. He always wore good suits. He was almost like James Bond, for pete’s sake! And so he was the elite, and his parties were where the movers and shakers of the world were invited.
Yet while his parties had all these brilliant, successful men, what kind of women did they have? They had “bunnies”. Young women, who all looked pretty much the same, who were there solely because of their bodies. And they were so dehumanized that they even wore bunny ears.
It wasn’t about what was between those ears that was important, after all. It was what was between something else.
Think about the significance of a “Playboy Bunny”
She’s something cute to look at. She’s something to entertain. But bunnies don’t speak. Bunnies aren’t smart. Bunnies aren’t old, either. They’re all young, and they’re there for entertainment purposes.
That’s how he saw women. Even when he married, he married women far younger than him, because all that really mattered when it came to women was what they looked like. After all, if you wanted to have an important conversation–well, that’s what men were for. But women were only for one thing. And it became cool again to think of women that way. Women even aspired to be Playboy bunnies, because they seemed so popular, so revered. But what they were revered for was not who they actually were. It was only what they looked like. And the less they talked, the better.
Hefner’s real influence was to demolish the idea that men and women could achieve real intimacy and pleasure through a healthy joining of equals.
Hefner made it cool to talk about sex. Hefner made it cool to think about sex and joke about sex. It was no longer a pervert’s thing anymore.
But Hefner’s view of sex was of powerful men using young, pretty things. “Sexy” wasn’t being in love with someone who could challenge you, and who could talk to you, and who would be with you your whole life. Sexy was someone of a certain body type, who was there to fawn all over you.
Even think of all the pictures of Hugh Hefner you’ve ever seen in your life. Is there one woman hanging off of him, or multiple women? I usually remember multiple women, many with bunny ears, all kissing him. It wasn’t enough to just have one woman, you see. The more the merrier!
Hefner never understood that the best sex actually is between two people who are committed to each other, and who have been married for many years (In the research I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, the best sex in marriage is years 16-24. It gets better the longer we’re together!). It’s not about the super young girls. It’s about a relationship of real intimacy. But he didn’t know that, because he never had that.
What’s in the Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex?

I don’t know how many have really made love.
And in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–I teach you how to do exactly that. I show how God intended sex to be intimate in three ways: spiritually, emotionally, AND physically. And I show you how to get there, too!
If you’ve struggled with figuring out what all the fuss is about, or you feel held back in marriage because you just can’t embrace your sexual side, then check out The Good Girl’s Guide!
You were meant for more.
And he encouraged other people to see sex the way he did: It’s all about men feeling important, and women being used. It’s all about the body, and not about the heart or the mind. It’s all about getting what I want, not creating a relationship.
What a terrible, terrible legacy. Apart from war, I can’t think of much worse. And so I do not mourn Hugh Hefner. And I pray that one day people will see his legacy for what it is: a cruel thing built on sand, which has wrecked so many people’s abilities to experience real intimacy.
And maybe, just maybe, if we talk enough about the mistakes that he made, we’ll point people back to what real sex, and real intimacy, is.
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Thank you for that, Sheila, thank you for validating the feelings of us victims. Isn’t it incredible that many would even argue that Playboy is not even porn and it totally OK?
What we are often wondering is, what can be done? How would men realize that that is not OK at all when it is so commonplace and accepted now? How can the women victims of it get support when all they will hear instead is that they should be fine with it?
I think we need to keep talking very very loudly about the effects of porn! About how porn doesn’t make sex sexier; it actually increases sexual dysfunction and makes people slaves. Do we really want that? When we can talk openly about what porn does, and how it rewires the brain, then maybe we’ll start to get somewhere!
And I think, too, rather than just being negative, we need to also talk about how great real intimacy in marriage is, and how this quest with porn is wrecking that, and people are missing the one thing they desperately want. When we can reclaim sex back to married couples (who do tend to have the best sex), then maybe we can change the conversation!
I completely agree. In fact I spoke with director Peter Bogdonovitch best friend and attorney who said they believed Hefner was truly evil. He forced many playmates to have sex with him, including Dorothy Stratton, girlfriend of Peter who was killed by her estranged husband.
“Unto the pure, all things are pure; but unto those who are defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure, but even their mind and conscience is defiled.” — Titus chapter 1 verse 15
Sex is something good and sacred in marriage.
Sadly this also makes me think of Trump, all the pictures with a bunch of young models and beauty contestants and then the way he talks about these women… So degrading.
And I do remember the pictures we looked at as kids in the playboys of a friend’s father. Gladly they disgusted me, but still.
I feel like everyone my age has that story of the stash of Playboy’s in someone’s shed. It really did do a lot of damage (glad you didn’t look too hard!)
This reminds me of Trumps proclamation that he could grab them by the……. because he was rich and famous. I am embarrassed to say that that man is my president. There are many natural disasters That have happened in the US over the last few weeks and all that man can focus on is the fact that NFL players knelt during the national anthem him! Way to deflect DJT! I weep for the future!!!
I have to believe, though, that the more we talk about the effects of these kinds of things, the more we can change hearts and minds. Even if it’s just a few people.
Did you weep for the future when the molester in chief Bill Clinton was president? Save me the virtue-signaling outrage. Barack Obama did far more damage to this country than Trump could ever do. As one of the 63 million Americans who voted for President Trump, I thank God this he has returned America’s focus back to things that matter.
I think all people are worth mourning even if they were misguided in their life. So I may not mourn them but there are others who do because they were people and they didn’t start off misguided. Was there no believer that could have made a difference in his life?
HH played a huge role in the growth of the sex industry and I understand that many are hurt because of his role. So it’s almost like making HH a scapegoat for the growth of this industry. Perversion has been around from the beginning of time and if it wasn’t him it would have been somebody or something else.
On the flip side, because of the growth of the sex industry, there was an awareness and a necessity to guarding thoughts and fleeing youthful lusts.
I read his obituary because I’m always curious about people. I think it’s dangerous to be so angry at someone’s acts to say they are not worth mourning. God made him, just like he made me and I don’t think he feels that way about any of his creation.
Just my thoughts . BTW I’m not a HH fan and have never read an issue of playboy.
That’s an interesting perspective, Nylse, and I think I’ll write a follow-up article on this next week. Does God mourn everyone? We know that God loves everyone, but I also believe that God gets very, very angry at those who cause others to stumble and lead others away from Him. I do think that there is a distinction to be made. I think I’ll write more on this, because it’s interesting and I think sometimes by talking about how God loves everyone all equally, we may perhaps make God unknowable? Does God weep for a child rapist as much as he weeps for Mother Theresa? I don’t think He does. Doesn’t mean He doesn’t love everyone. But God does judge and God does see, and I think if we say that He doesn’t make distinctions then we make God seem very harsh and unknowable. I want to follow a God who gets very angry on behalf of abuse victims and on behalf of the poor, and that is the God that I definitely see in the Bible!
I do mourn that Hugh Hefner didn’t know Christ; but I also think that it’s valid to say that someone’s life was a waste, if that makes sense.
Well that’s exactly what made his life worth mourning. The fact that he wasted it. He could have used his money, platform and talent for good. But he didn’t. I think God can be sad for these people. Being angry and heartbroken is not mutually exclusive.
Besides, why should God mourn the saints? They are in heaven with him. Nothing to mourn there. He can stroll over to their houses and have tea with them any time he wants, so to speak. The sinners on the other hand…
I think of the way Aslan treated Uncle Andrew in the Magician’s Nephew. He was sad that the old man twisted his gifts and made himself unable to receive the good gifts he could have given him. Doesn’t mean he let Uncle Andrew run roughshod over Narnia. He had the kids take away his rings too.
Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing. -Luke 13:34
I don’t feel people should be praising Hugh Hefner’s life, and I’m not a fan of how everyone becomes a saint when they die, regardless of the life they lived. At the same time, I agree with Nylse that we should still see Hugh Hefner as the child of God he was and mourn the fact that he could have been so much more. As humans we have difficulty separating our anger at people’s actions and the value that the person inherently has, but God doesn’t have that problem. He can be furious with our choices and still love us. Consider God’s words in Ezekiel 33:11 – “I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked” or Jesus words on the cross “Father, forgive them for they don’t know what they do”. I don’t know if there was a worse sin than participating in the death of Jesus, but Jesus still showed love to the people who killed Him. And think of the horrible things Paul did to the believers, but God still pursued him and ultimately saved him. That doesn’t mean the wicked who don’t repent won’t be judged – they will have to take responsibility for their choices and they will suffer for how they hurt others. And yet, God must weep for what was and what could have been.
In the end, the only difference between “good” me and Hugh Hefner is that I accepted Jesus sacrifice and he didn’t – assuming he never had a death bed conversion. Apart from God’s grace, who knows what I could have been or still could be. I’m what I am because God pursued me and changed me – anything good I have doesn’t come from me. And I believe God pursued Hugh Hefner until his last breath and if his final choice was as it appeared, I believe God does weep over a life lost, a child forever separated from him because that’s how he wanted it.
‘As I live,’ says the Lord GOD, ‘I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way and live. Turn, turn from your evil ways!…’ (Ezekiel 33:11)l
I agree Nylse! I believe it is right to mourn the death of such a person – mourn their lost state, mourn their blindness and mourn the blindness that they have brought on others. It is a dreadful thing to die without God.
It should also bring those of us who know God and his grace to a place of humble thankfulness for what we have been saved from rather than some sort of vindictive glee that a sinner is going to judgement. If it were not for the grace of God, we would also be facing the same judgement.
As you say I think it’s really important to talk about how important intimacy in marriage is and the dangers of pornography. I wrote in another of your posts how I confessed about my own addiction to my wife. Things are going great btw. we had a really good talk and a lot of issues in both of us was revealed. I do in not wat try to excuse any pornuse because it’s a horrible sin but we could trace back a lot of my struggles with porn to a lot of hurt that we both had caused to each other. So I’m working on me and I’m really happy that I’m on my way now, with a clean conscience and a honest heart. Anyways, there are days that are hard , because we haven’t had sex in 2 months(started prior to my confession) and I’m an active redditor so I posted something about missing sleeping beside my wife(we don’t because our kid sleeps beside her) and I mentioned our issues with sex and porn. That post blew up! People we’re saying that my wife didn’t have the right to withhold sex and that I should continue watch porn. They kept saying that if she feels offended it’s because of her own insecurities and that it’s normal. I was chocked. I tried to explain that my wife she has all right to withhold sex (divorce too btw) and that she isn’t doing anything wrong. And it wasn’t only men. Women too. One woman said she watches porn and an other said that she would never divorce her husband for him using porn because she doesn’t mind. And not only Secual people. Christians too! One guy said he watched porn when he and his wife hadn’t had sex in awhile and she knew so then they worked on having sex. His way to show he was not pleased was to watching porn. Another Christian said his wife could come in when he was watching and help him finish. I don’t get it! I tried to explain the harms from it that I experienced but people dont seem to get it. One guy even said that the reason he left Christianity was because of all the shame that the church gives people over “healthy and natural things ” as sex, masturbation and porn. He was happy that he now could live without that shame. I felt really bad for him.
It made me realize that we need to live and talk about the importance of intimacy in marriage. That real intimacy is better than porn. And really show that so that people stop thinking that Christian marriages is equal to sexless marriages. Having struggled and on my way out from it , it makes me sad to see that people ddont see the harm it causes.
Sometimes shame is a good thing! Sometimes shame is really the Holy Spirit’s convicting. And it’s very dangerous to tune out the Holy Spirit.
Hi pornaddict, i know it’s just a screenname but I want to encourage you to change it. This addiction is not your identity, and by what you wrote I can see that you are breaking out of it, you are fighting for the real intimacy and to live free of this sin! God doesn’t look at you and think “ha look at this poor pot addict” He looks at you and he sees one of his dear children fighting to get out of the entanglement of sin, he sees a new being that He washed clean, he sees a son of His who needs healing and encouragement and help and He has already sent it to you through His Holy Spirit. Don’t define yourself as a porn addict, because it’s not who you are. Yes porn addiction is something you struggle with, but you are a fighter.
I pray that you’ll be victorious, that your marriage will be rebuilt for the glory of God and that your testimony will encourage many!
That’s a great point, Lydia! Thank you!
Thank you so much Lydia. I was pornaddict and you are right. Defining myself like that doesn’t help. I had felt the same thing you said right now some time ago but didn’t think much of it but this was a cobfirmation. Thank you!
I love this!
Yes! Praise the Lord!
While I understand what role HH played, I mourn for him because I’m sure he didn’t know Jesus, and now his soul cannot be redeemed. That is a sobering thought. We should all be sad that no one was able to persuade him to Christ, and now he will have to answer to the Lord for his legacy on this earth. This should have all of us asking for mercy on his behalf. Can you imagine what could have been if HH had met Jesus???
That said, you’ve given me much to think on here. I never put who he was into the context of how much damage has been done to our society via his actions.
Every time I read one of your articles I am more educated and better for it.
Thanks for that encouragement, Adrienne! I wish Hugh had met Jesus here, too. Apparently he did grow up in a Pentecostal household–but it was very joyless. Some warning to us who are raising our kids–let’s not make Christianity about rules so that we send kids running in the opposite direction. Let’s show them real joy in the Lord–and joy in marriage!
Just to clarify in his own words he grew up in a puritanical Methodist household; not pentecostal.
What’s funny, I was reading yesterday that Hugh Hefner only became Hugh Hefner because his wife confessed that she had slept with someone else while he was away in the Army. They had (he thought) been saving it for marriage, and he said he was absolutely devastated to find out that she had strayed. She encouraged him to sleep with other women to “make up” for her infidelity, and then they eventually divorced and he created the persona of Hugh Hefner.
I’m not blaming her entirely (because a lot of jilted men never create multi-billion dollar industries glamorizing vice), but it is pretty sad, and interesting, to think that if his wife had been faithful and he hadn’t allowed himself to become so bitter and disillusioned about sex, the world would have been a very different place.
Wow, what a story! Everything really does have ripple effects, doesn’t it? So sad.
If anyone needs confirmation. The effects of porn are absolutely maddening and long lasting. You dont recover over night. The longer you are in the harder it is to recover. I just had a large failure with my anger. It really is sad. I really dont want it. I know that the anger was first and the sexual dysfunction masked and enraged the anger and it was never addressed. Now I am left with really hard work. I see where I was not vigilant. I am still asking why this happens. I am still left with shame and guilt. Just no words.
That’s normal, Phil. The hardest work starts after the last relapse. Then we have to fix what was already wrong before the habit. For me swimming is the one thing that helps the most with anger, but it is not always an easily available option. Also writing stuff: journal, bad prose, bad poetry, anything really, where I can pour it out.
Appreciate Dean. Been working on this since I was 7. Trully though for 10 years. Hence my disappointment. Not sure what to do except what I have been doing. Get back on the horse and ride. I refuse to accept the way I am in this area. Maybe the pain has not been great enough. Not sure. Certain situations bring it about without notice. Thats the scary part. Keep truckin brother
Hmm, I highly doubt that this story is accurate. If his wife hadn’t had an affair, it’s very unlikely he’d have been a normal person who respects women. You simply don’t go from being a normal person to the man the Hugh Heffner was.
Quote from Heffner:
“Publishing a sophisticated men’s magazine seemed to me the best possible way of fulfilling a dream I’d been nurturing ever since I was a teenager: to get laid a lot.”
It doesn’t seem like he started out as a decent human being.
I mourn in two ways.
Someone dying without Jesus is always a tragedy. They failed to be what God meant for them to be.
Second, I don’t think he ever truly loved a woman. There’s a Spanish proverb that says he who loves many women has loved none. He who loves one has loved them all.
Beautiful quote and so true! Your comment is on point!
I agree with everything you’ve said about his terrible legacy. I remember seeing Playboy and closely studying the pictures and comparing my body to what I saw there. This affected me negatively for many years.
While I’m not mourning Hugh Hefner, I’ve been surprised to realize that I am mourning *for* him.
I read two things that made me sad for him: one is the same thing that sunny-dee mentions about the devastation he felt when he found out his wife had cheated on him. The other is the lack of love and affection in his childhood. (According to one article, his only companion was a stuffed bunny. Go figure.)
Hefner’s legacy is a terrible one, and I can’t help but think that it was rooted in his own woundedness. I can’t imagine what it is like to live an entire life without the experience of truly feeling loved. He lived a life filled with wealth but without the richness of intimacy and love. And for that, I mourn for him.
Since Hugh Hefner’s death, I’d read of many celebrities praising him and saying what a wonderful person he was. Last night, my husband and I were discussing it and came to the same conclusion about what his real legacy is — the destruction of countless men, women, marriages, and families.
I also came across an article that discussed an interview Hefner gave when he was 85 years old. In it, he mourned the fact that he never looked for love in the right places. As a result, he never found his soulmate. So we have a man, who by his own account, was married to three women (the first wife was his age, btw) and had over one thousand sexual partners. I can’t even imagine! It seems to me that Hefner experienced the pleasure of sin but found no real joy in it. I wonder if he realized that.
Overall, I find his life a very sad one: for him, for his family, and for all those families that his magazine and lifestyle poisoned. Great article, Sheila!
Thank you. I do mourn for this man’s soul, but I completely agree that the evil he did while on earth has led to many, many damaged people and ruined lives.
Here’s an important article I read about this that goes even further into the topic: https://www.lifesitenews.com/blogs/hugh-hefner-led-many-souls-down-the-road-to-destruction
If I believe Romans 12:9 (“Hate what is evil; cling to what is good”), then it seems pretty clear to me that I can hate everything Hugh Hefner stood for and his relentless and abhorrent treatment of women. What angers me most is how many women actually cooperated with the idea that posing nude and being lusted after by thousands of men you don’t know is somehow empowering rather than degrading. C’mon, ladies!
Yes, I mourn that people die not knowing Christ, but there’s a pretty big part of me that saw the announcement of his death and simply thought, “Good riddance.” Now if we can only turn more minds and hearts to what God really wants us to know about our worth and our sexuality… Thanks for always doing your part in that mission, Sheila!
J, about this quote of yours: “being lusted after by thousands of men you don’t know is somehow empowering rather than degrading.”, I don’t think I will ever understand this. I don’t think I will ever understand how being desired by countless numbers of the opposite sex isn’t the greatest feeling on earth. I would give my possessions, I would give my money, I would give my time, I would give practically everything I have or get obtain to be lusted after by thousands of women. Please expound on your feelings some more. As I said, I don’t think I will EVER understand, but I want to keep trying. The jealousy I feel towards women is hard to express in words.
Then you’ve obviously never been judged, mistreated, harassed based entirely on your appearance. I have, and it’s far from the greatest feeling on earth. Someone is literally treating you like tool for their own self-pleasure. Please, Tom, understand how wrong that is to view humans made in God’s image that way.
J, that still doesn’t sound awful to me. If a woman was looking at me with pure lust, and just wanted my body, I still find that incredibly flattering. I know that lust isn’t good from God’s perspective, but it still sounds so good to me, and many men. I am certain that men and women as a whole will never see eye to eye on this. Sigh.
Here’s a quote from an article I wrote for Crosswalk.com on 6 Ways Hugh Hefner’s Ideas Were Bad for Women and Our Culture:
“So many women I’ve encountered have experienced this objectification in the real world, being treated by a man as if her whole value was wrapped up in her physical attributes. The real consequences in these cases were sexual harassment, mistreatment, and abuse. After all, if she’s just good for one thing, why worry about the rest of her? ”
What you don’t seem to understand is that the kind of attention you advocate leads to poor treatment of women as a whole, including actual sexual abuse. THAT is why women are reacting poorly to you here. And I suspect they would not react well personally to you if that’s how you treat women face to face.
Since you clearly long to be desired, perhaps you should rethink what kind of treatment would appeal to women. And, more importantly, what kind of treatment is respectful and right toward women.
Well put, J!
Tom,
I believe I understand what you are trying to convey and I’m a woman. What I hear you saying is that you (as well as many other men ) would find being/feeling sexually admired and desired is an ego booster.
I can see how you would feel that way IF you define your sense of self worth and masculinity soley through your sexuality. Sadly (female perspective) I believe society has encouraged that thought process. Thank you Hugh. I know a lot of men who determine their sense of manliness based on being admired by the ladies.
I may be wrong, but I don’t hear Tom saying women should feel good about being objectified, he’s saying how good being admired as a sexy good looking man would feel for him and can’t understand why being admired as a beautiful/sexy women wouldn’t feel flattering to her. Plain and simple….nothing to do with objectification. Shouldn’t that be a compliment?
How many of us women feel complimented that our husbands find us beautiful and sexy?
I get the impression Tom thinks we should feel the same when other men express that same sentiment.
There in lies the basis of a whole other problem.
His brain, her brain.
Actually, I find it enlightening to hear/see how the male mind works. Explains a lot .
Would someone please get Tom Hillson off here?! Seriously. His comments for months now have been offensive and inappropriate and I’m not sure what he’s even doing on this blog, other than offending people.
I think that’s fair. Tom, I’m going to put you on moderation status. I don’t think you realize how hurtful your comments are to most women, when you tell us that we’re lucky to be lusted after. If you have something more constructive to add to the conversation, please go ahead, and I’ll let it through. But I really do think we’ve talked about your issues a lot, and what you really need to do at this point is to ask God for a renewing of your mind, that you can see women as whole people, and understand sex as something which isn’t just physically intimate, but is spiritually intimate as well. Until you do that, you’re likely to keep struggling.
Sheila, i think that at its core, what Tom is saying is that he wants to feel the feeling of being desired. He is just confusing being desired in the right way with being desired in the wrong way. Its easy for men to do, because most men, even the married ones, dont get desired in either way. We are just there. We are invisible. Its a lonely place. I am praying for you Tom.
I understand Sheila. I’m surprised you let me comment as long as you have.
I don’t understand this: “I don’t think you realize how hurtful your comments are to most women, when you tell us that we’re lucky to be lusted after.” How is that so hurtful? Are women really that fragile? Also, I don’t understand why you say “that you can see women as whole people”. When did I say I didn’t? You can just email me with your answers please. Thanks.
Hi Tom,
I really do understand that you’re flabbergasted by this, but the very fact that you don’t understand how hurtful your comments are implies that you don’t see women as whole people. The fact that you don’t understand that people don’t want to be objectified, and noticed only for their body, implies that you see women mostly in sexual terms–which is what we don’t want, which is what we find so terrible, and often quite scary. I understand that you don’t get it, but I’d really suggest that you try hard. Until you do understand, you’ll never be able to relate to the female gender properly. But it’s just this: women want to be loved and respected. When someone objectifies us, they tell us, “I’m interested in you solely for your body, for you what you can give to me.” When someone reacts to us only based on what we look like, we feel infanticized–like our faculties don’t matter. And that means that we don’t matter. It’s dehumanizing.
For you to keep saying that you would be flattered means that you don’t understand women’s basic need to be loved and respected, and our fear that we never will be because too many guys see us as only sexual objects, and ignore the rest of us. We want to be understood and cherished. When guys just see us as body parts, that’s so terribly insulting and dehumanizing. And it’s awful. That’s just the way it is!
Okay Tom Hillison. Let me try to explain.
Women are not lusted after by other women in these scenarios. They’re lusted after by MEN.
So put yourself in the position of being lusted after by MEN. Men who are bigger than you, stronger than you, and who don’t mind hurting you, ripping your tissues, to get sexual pleasure.
Does that sound fun? Because you don’t have to give up all your worldly possessions to find yourself in a room full of men who want to get sexual release by using your body, without giving a thought to the fact that you’re a human being.
Are you still jealous?
Jolie, Tom’s comments on this post aren’t an isolated incident. He’s been posting for quite awhile in a way that indicates he’s really missing the big picture that women are human beings, not outlets for his pleasure. It’s tragic and I hope he finds real help outside the two dimensional world of the internet.
I think it’s wonderful that you try to look for the good in his post. There’s a history there, though, that gives context to this post.
Lisa,
Appreciate the heads up.
Thanks, J! I also think there’s a misunderstanding of God that says, “we are all the same to Him because we all sin.” That’s not biblical. And I think to put someone who rapes a child, for instance (not Hugh Hefner, I’m using an example) on the same plane as someone who gossips about a person makes God seem like a monster. Does God really not see a difference? Because if God doesn’t see a difference, then we’re not supposed to see a difference either. And that leads to people who can’t support victims; who become actually quite cruel. God isn’t cruel, and He does see, and nothing makes Him angrier (according to Scripture) than injustice and those who abuse others. I think I’ll write a follow up post on this, because it’s actually quite serious if we think that God doesn’t see hurting others as worse than smaller things. It makes God hard to love and very incomprehensible, and that’s what worries me.
I agree entirely.
Excellent article, Sheila!
Here is another one you may like:
http://www.catholicleague.org/hugh-hefners-legacy/
Sheila, I am always so encouraged by your posts. I first have to thank you because your blog is what has helped me get Godly understanding about my Womanhood. I had come from abuse as a child and abuse as a young adult from my father, so I realized that I didn’t really understand what it meant to be a woman by God standards. I always had this filter of cultural misogyny that made me do things so thank you thank you thank you! You have changed my life truly and so many others.
My heart was sad when I heard about Hugh Hefner because I doubt that he accepted Christ in his heart. And it’s so amazing that he live almost 100 years and to have so much time and yet so little to give your heart to God! I’m sad for his soul. Because he is dead and he has to look into my father’s eyes and account for what he did here on Earth becaue he didn’t accept the payment of Christ. And like you said his legacy is nothing to mourn. It is sad indeed.
I don’t understand what’s wrong with this: “Hey, it’s normal for guys to want to look at women! It’s healthy even! Let’s celebrate it!” Isn’t it normal for guys to want to look at women?
Well Tom it is normal. Whats not Normal is to look at women as objects. They are beutiful strong human beings whose purpose is just the same as a man. To be like Jesus. Hope you are open to seeing this is the answer to your question rather than fighting. I am willing to try again to help you see. Was wondering where you been. Good to see your still kickin.
Hello Phil. Yes, I’m not saying to look at women as objects. But let me ask you this: if I listen to an audio recording of a medical talk from a female doctor, am I objectifying her mind? After all, I’m paying no attention to her personality or her looks. Likewise, if I admire a woman’s looks in a magazine shoot, I am paying no attention to her intellect or her personality. What’s the difference?
I would say the answer lies within yourself. Your choice. Ill give you an example. I was on a Christian based site a few weeks ago were the woman talks mainly about sex. I thought what she wrote was a bit graphic in addition to maybe just a bit outside her normal writting style. It triggered my addictive thinking for sure. To me it was written similar to a pornographic article. The comments were such as well. I chose however to look at the article as intended. She was trying to convey what she felt was a Christian message. So I did not take her out of context but I might of considered arguing if it was a Christian message. I actually chose to keep my mouth shut and just acknowledge that I can see the intentions. (Whether I agree or not). In my addiction I probably would have checked out her picture and objectified her and to heck with her message. Creepy thinking and so on. Observing a woman as beautiful is different than making her a non human and or for my consumption. I may observe she is beautiful and then I move on. I am married so it stops there. If I was not married I might see what she has. Meaning what is her spirtual being? Yeah enjoy her mind and body. Get to know her see if we are a match. So on. You have a great question here Tom. For many this is a natural process. For guys like me seems I got lucky or God struck in this part of my life. God provided me a beautiful loving wife who waited for me to get healthy. But I have had a host of other problems and still do albiet thankfully more managable today through hard work. I would be interested in talking to you sometime. Openness is key to healing whatever your issues. I feel a bit guilty tonight clogging Sheilas blog but really glad to strike a conversation with you. I think I needed this today. Good night. Thanks
Phil, my email is hillson_tom at yahoo dot com.
Tom, a doctor’s purpose in doing some kind of medical talk would be to share knowledge. Yes, it’s completely normal to think only about the subject matter at hand if you were listening to her. But generally, people don’t then assume her medical knowledge is her main reason for existing. Pornography, on the other hand, puts one purpose above all others: deriving sexual pleasure from a woman’s appearance. Yes, that may be the purpose the woman in the photos is going for, but it’s certainly NOT the aim of the average woman on the street. Porn may exist solely to excite sexual pleasure, but WOMEN do NOT.
Without the context of a trusting relationship, comments on a women’s appearance may make her feel like she’s only porn to someone.
“And maybe, just maybe, if we talk enough about the mistakes that he made, we’ll point people back to what real sex, and real intimacy, is.”
Was Hefner really a problem, or did he just fill a void? There’s a commercial on YouTube. In the video a porn star is getting ready for a set. In the process of picking which dildo she wants used, she speaks to those watching — presumably parents — and says, “You need to teach your kids about sex…because if you don’t, I will.”
Hefner no doubt was a man of low morals, but was not the greater problem the sex- silent Church?
I’m not here to defend Hugh Hefner. He stressed physical beauty too much. But I want to comment on this from Sheila: “It wasn’t enough to just have one woman, you see. The more the merrier!” This desire of men to have more than one woman certainly didn’t start with Hugh Hefner or Playboy. It goes back thousands of years, probably to the first men. Islam comes to mind – it talks about some men in heaven having 72 virgins. This is over a thousand years before Hugh Hefner!
Lust has as its focus pleasing oneself, and it often leads to unwholesome actions to fulfill one’s desires with no regard to the consequences. Lust is about possession and greed.
Sexual intimacy in marriage is about lifting and pleasing your husband or wife, enjoying their company, and expressing that love in a way that God intended. Over time (it has been over fifteen years for us) your relationship matures and intimacy and joy gets stronger and deeper.
I have bad feelings toward anyone who wishes to attempt to entice me away from my wife. I have seen a married man who is a pornography addict seek out women on the Internet for just one lustful sexual encounter and the damage that did to his wife. He has done this to his wife twice that she knows of. He refuses to seek counseling for his bad problems and he has little desire to please her in anything in their relationship. It has been this way for years. Why would you stay in an unhealthy marriage like this?
I wanted to post an interesting comment I read from the Washington Post on his obituary write up there: (Named: “Hugh Hefner, leader of the sexual revolution, dies at 91”)
“He was born in Chicago on April 9, 1926, to devout Methodist parents who he said never showed “love in a physical or emotional way.”
It further states he said,
“Part of the reason that I am who I am is my Puritan roots run deep,” he told The Associated Press in 2011. “My folks are Puritan. My folks are prohibitionists. There was no drinking in my home. No discussion of sex. And I think I saw the hurtful and hypocritical side of that from very early on. “
When I read that – I thought of one of your earlier articles on the danger of making sex taboo. I think there are some important lessons here, from these statements about his life in his childhood, and I thought you or others might find them something to think about as well.
I found that really interesting, too! I read somewhere else that he was Pentecostal–I wonder which one it was? But whether it was Methodist or Pentecostal, I think the main thing here is that the parents tried to instill such tough rules that they never really encouraged relationship with God (and perhaps they didn’t have it themselves). It’s really the opposite of what I teach. I hope other parents who are trying too hard to push the purity culture will take the lesson here–and perhaps read my daughter’s book Why I Didn’t Rebel, which points to a totally different way of seeing parenting than Hefner’s parents obviously did.
Sheila, yes to what Chris said: “most men, even the married ones, dont get desired in either way. We are just there. We are invisible. Its a lonely place.” After months and months of your comments, it is clear to me that you are INCAPABLE of seeing the issue from men’s side. Literally incapable! I also may be incapable of seeing things from women’s side, I admit that. That’s why we are at loggerheads – we literally can’t understand the other side, on a real, deep level.
Tom–Here’s a thought for you and then I’ll go.
Maybe the issue is not seeing it from each other’s sides; maybe the issue is seeing it from God’s side. What do you think God wants for you when it comes to how you see women? What do you think God thinks of intimacy? What do you think God made sex for? Perhaps if you spent your energy seeking after the answers to those questions, it would get clearer. And I do think seeking in a group setting like Celebrate Recovery may be good for you!
I think we desperately need to begin talking about the truly awful and destructive legacy women in the media, are creating. It is very easy to look at men like Hugh Hefner and big industries and say that they are responsible for the objectification of women. But in reality, women are the ones who are making the choices to pose in magazines, dance half naked in music videos, participate in nude scenes on television and movies, and so on. And the thing that gets to me is that these women are rarely reproached for their poor and destructive choices. Most go about happily with successful acting, modeling, and music careers. In fact, many are even applauded for promoting body positivity for women. When men lust after these women we are quick to point out that they shouldn’t be objectifying them, but we seem to skim over the fact that that is the GOAL of these women.
I feel like this is a topic that gets swept under the rug because we are afraid of being accused of “slut shaming” or blaming women for the lust issues that many men struggle with. But I want to be clear that I am not blaming women for men’s struggles and I am not talking about your typical women who make poor wardrobe choices once in a blue moon. And I am definitely not talking about women who dress perfectly modest but are still unjustly accused of causing men to lust. I am talking about women who ARE consciously attempting to get the sexual attention of men. Single men, married men, teenage boys, any man. And that IS what they are trying to do. No woman dresses in a seductive way or gets nude for themselves or for other women to be inspired by how confident they are in their skin.
Yes, these women are sadly and very dangerously misguided. They are just as dangerously misguided as the men who struggle with lusting after these women, but the difference is that we will reproach these men and talk about how they need to change their ways all day long. As we should. But we never have really great conversations about how these women and ANY woman can have the overgrown and destructive desire to be lusted after.
And just to be clear, I am not suggesting that we bash these women or attack them. I am suggesting that we begin to call them out for the damage that they are causing to men, women, marriages, and young girls and boys because of their choices. Let’s call them out so that we can begin calling them and all women to a higher standard. To God’s standard for women.
I remember as a child that “Santa” used to put a Playboy magazine in my dad’s Christmas morning stocking . And our whole family including myself and my two younger brothers and mother and father would be opening up our stockings all together on their bed. Dad would quickly pull the Playboy out of his stocking and put it under the bed or something. We never actually saw it but after we got to a certain age, we knew what it was.
I’ve got a whole slew of other issues around sexuality. But that’s a really painful one, for myself, and for my mother! And, of course it affects my husband and our relationship as well .
My mom actually bought that for him to put in his stocking on Christmas morning every year!
Oh, that’s so icky! And so sad. No wonder that has affected you. I’m sorry.
Thanks Sheila. As a wife now, it’s hard to fathom why she did that. I guess it goes back to HH’s normalization of porn.