In my life, grief and gifts have often come hand in hand.
On Monday it will be 21 years since my son Christopher passed away, and this time of year I always like to think about him and honour him a bit on this blog.
But when I remember him, it’s not just with grief. A whole lot of things are intertwined.
A few weeks after Christopher died we threw a party for my mother. It was her tenth anniversary from her cancer surgery, and so I had a “glad you’re not dead” party. Many thought the title of the party was in poor taste, but I couldn’t figure out what they were objecting to. Should we have had a “wish you were dead” party?
It was strange to be celebrating my mother’s life just as we were mourning my son’s death, but such is the stuff of life. And I was so glad that she was there to help walk me through it.
The real life-death dichotomy came for me, though, because I got pregnant with Katie just 10 weeks after Christopher died. She was born July 27; his birthday would have been August 6.
We asked the ultrasound technician what sex she was while I was pregnant, because I so desperately wanted a boy, and I wanted to be prepared before her birth if she wasn’t. When they told me she was a girl I was disappointed, but not for long. And today I just can’t picture anybody but my Katie. I’m so glad God gave me another little girl.
Katie and me seeing Les Miserables for her eighteenth birthday.
My girls are good friends, too, probably better than they would have been had she been a boy. And she was never a replacement baby.
It was strange to be nursing one child while crying for the one that was missing, and yet it was wonderful just the same. Katie never replaced Christopher; what she did was give me someone to hug when I was lonely. And Katie came out of the womb an affectionate baby. She always wanted to be hugged, quite the opposite of Rebecca. I felt that she was God’s gift to me.
She realized the significance of her birthday when she was about 10 .
She said to me, “Mommy, if Christopher had lived, I wouldn’t have been born, would I?”. That was a tough one, because the truth is no, she wouldn’t. But I said to her what I see as the truth: I said,
God gave you to me as my gift, and I am so grateful for you.
As a child she liked coming to the graveyard and putting flowers on the grave of the brother she never knew. When she was eleven I heard her introducing herself to another girl and saying, “I have one sister here and one brother in heaven.” I hadn’t know she talked about Christopher like that, but it was nice to hear her say it.
I often think of the song, “Blessed Be Your Name”, and the Bridge, “you give and take away”.
For me it’s always been the opposite: God takes away and then He gives. He has always taken away first.
My fiance broke up with me; then he came back and we married. I miscarried; then I had Rebecca. Christopher died; then I had Katie. But I keep coming back to that: God takes away and He gives. And If I can praise Him in both, then I have learned a lot indeed.
I’ve written a lot about Christopher over the years, and if you’d like to read some of those remembrances, they’re right here:
- Why I’m okay twenty years after my son died (basically my whole faith journey, and what grief taught me)
- Remembering…(My story of the last day of his life. I just had to get it on paper–or at least in writing. This still brings me to tears.)
- Grief: You don’t just get over it (What people often misunderstand about grief)
In my store, I also have my ebook How Big Is Your Umbrella, about the things that we yell at God when life is tough, and what God whispers back, paired with an audio download of one of my talks where I share my story. I’m going to put it on major sale now through Christopher’s birthday on September 4.
Pick up the Comfort pack for just $3!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Hi Sheila. You did not ask for comments but I am a man who has much to say. Many people shy away from death. They dont know what to say. I used to be that person. Today I choose to talk to people cautiously in effort to comfort them. I know people say weird things sometimes. But they mean well. How could they not? I just wanted to tell you that when God tickled me it was imeadiatly after I had just said to my friend.: I dont know if I am “there yet” meaning beleif in redemptive suffering but atleast I understand it. I want to assure you if you haven’t experienced it yourself that there is joy in death. Just writting that is a hard pill to swallow let alone say that to someone. I dont quite grasp your pain. I just know that Jesus is so happy you are suffering for Him. That Christopher is in such a wonderful place sitting next to Jesus with all the other children. So awesome Sheila. (I shed a tear there) Please have a great day 👍 May you find comfort and peace and joy. (I like the humorous approach). I am having a really really tough time hitting submit here but I cant help but write this to you because we are believers. I believe.
Thank you, Phil.
I was singing that song in the garden this morning.
It is so true. God gives, he takes away, and from this perspective it so often looks unfair, unreasonable…. vanity. emptiness.
And yet. In the midst of it all, God has been there. Comforting. Challenging. Encouraging.
In a few months, we’ll have our 21st wedding anniversary on the 1st anniversary of my father in law’s funeral.
Praying for you this weekend. Anniversaries can be tough.
Sheila, reading this I couldn’t help but think about Christopher’s legacy. How his life on earth was so brief yet God has used it to teach and encourage many through the years. I lost my dad suddenly and painfully years ago and your thoughts about grief and death over the years have encouraged me so much.
And this “God takes away and then He gives” has come at a time when I am wrestling through hard prospects and decisions. Thank you.
Thank you for this article and for the “Grief, You Don’t Just Get Over It” article. In April of 2006 I lost my son 5 months into pregnancy. Two years later God gave us our Rainbow baby girl. After 3 brothers and three sons, I was resigned to never having another “girl” to share life with. Like your Katie, had Caleb not died, I would not have my Amanda. She is everything sugar and spice and sparkles and laughter. God knew how much I needed her in my life. She cannot replace her brother, but she goes a long way in healing my grieving heart. As you shared in the Grief article, the grief comes and goes, most of the time I don’t even think about it anymore. Sometimes something will happen to remind me and the pain returns, but only for a few moments, and there is ALWAYS something to remind me of God’s grace and goodness at the same time. Incidentally, your son’s Aug 6 birthday is the birthday of my oldest son. He turned 16 this year. Every child truly is a special gift from God.
Exactly, Sarah! I’m so glad you have your Amanda. It does make life sweeter!
Thank for this, both Sheila and Sarah. I am currently pregnant with my rainbow baby, who would not exist if I had not miscarried last fall. He is due exactly one year to the date that I miscarried. It is so confusing to grieve the loss of one child while simultaneously celebrating the life of another child that only exists because of that loss. But Sarah, your comment in particular brings tears to my eyes. My rainbow baby is due next month, and we are naming him Caleb. ❤️
Oops, I’m Kay, not Sarah. I was thinking how I wanted to respond to Sarah… Can I blame pregnancy brain? 😂
Hi Sheila! We met at Stitches Midwest. I was there to celebrate my birthday, which is Aug 6th. I had read in your blog about your son, and his birthday. But in my flabbergast-ness of meeting you, didn’t think of saying anything. My mom suffered a miscarriage when I was 6. And then she gave birth to my brother later that year. My brother asked the same question, if that baby had lived would he have been born. My mom answered no. Which is weird to think about not having my brother. Anyway, thanks for sharing. Happy knitting, Lori
Hi Lori! So fun to see you at Stitches (and amazed that you recognized me!). It is weird to think that it’s only because of loss that somebody is here. And yet there it is. But that doesn’t mean the love is any less.
Glad you commented and glad you stopped me to say hello!
Every time our choir sings that song, I think of our Penelope that we lost 35th week of pregnancy. I had been to the specialist on Friday and she was very active in the womb. We knew we were facing some issues with her heart, but could not know the seriousness of it until later. I was to see my OB the following Monday for a shot etc. I awoke early that Monday morning with an explainable sense of dread and warned my husband before he went to work that I felt like something was wrong. When the doctor could not find her heartbeat, I came home and laid down on the bed and quoted Job, “the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh…blessed be the name of the Lord.” So that song has some pretty strong feelings for me. But thru it all I have prayed that God would receive any glory and I continue to do my best to bless His name thru the good times and the bad. I am ordering your comfort package. Thank you. Even though it’s been 8 years, moments of grief have a way of sneaking up on you. We were never able to conceive again and we trust that God knows what’s best for us – even though we may not understand it right now. Walking by faith is easier to sing about than it is to put one foot in front of the other and live it out. His grace is sufficient.
As I have often said to a very dear friend who has suffered through 3 miscarriages (2 of them after having her beautiful baby girl) – I may not understand your pain exactly, but I do understand pain and can empathise. I am sorry your lost your son, but glad for you that God gave you joy in Katie.
After 4 years of marriage, I simply can’t seem to have children. We so want babies and it hurts so much. And people keep asking and pushing and twisting the knife even deeper. The last year has been particularly tough as well – we lost 2 of my husband’s grandparents (the closest to real grandparents I had ever had). It’s been tough and has made me very discouraged. Somehow we are getting lined up for more than our fair share of ‘taking away’ and no share at all of ‘giving’. And I’m finding it hard to reconcile a loving God to that.
Gemma- I can sympathize a bit. My husband and I just lost our 3rd baby to miscarriage 9 days after our 2nd wedding anniversary. I know the struggles of wondering how God can work all this for good. How can my babies dying be part of God’s will for my life? We lost our first baby 7 weeks into marriage at 5 weeks in the womb. Welcome to marriage- here, lose a baby! My poor husband was handed a grieving wife not even 2 months into our life together. And the grief hasn’t ended. I wear a necklace that says ‘Wildly Loved’ and has a bead for the birthstone of my oldest 2 children, their birth into heaven. It’s a constant reminder that God loves me, even when I don’t understand what He’s doing. I’ve found that a special piece of jewelry has a whole lot of meaning to me. I’m not a jewelry girl, so to daily put on a necklace reminds me of God’s grace that I can’t see, and reminds me that He is working even when I can’t feel it. Perhaps you could seek out a tangible reminder to place somewhere? A small print, a ring or bracelet, or even a special blanket might be a comfort to remind you that God is physically present in your life even though we can’t see Him.
Your pain is real. Just because you haven’t felt a baby die doesn’t mean that your pain is invalid. Your suffering is intense. People’s words, their expectations, especially when they are asking about news that you desperately want to report with joy, feels like sea salt being poured into an open wound.
I’d encourage you to really search out the Scriptures and see God’s great love for you. I speak as one who has wrestled, and still is wrestling, with the very things you are going through. I don’t have pat answers in place, I still cry my eyes out more often than I would care to admit, but I want to encourage you as a fellow woman in the trenches. So many times I hear from people ‘It’ll be alright, you’ll make it, I did.’ and that’s sweet and encouraging, but I write to you as one for whom the miracle hasn’t happened yet for. God hasn’t redeemed my sorrow yet. My happy ending of a live birth still hasn’t come. Stay strong, sister! I know the temptation to fall into bitterness. Keep fighting. Don’t let your heart grow hard. I’ll be praying for you, dear Gemma!
Thank you so much for sharing, Sheila. Katie has been such a blessing to our family this year. She shared Christopher’s story with us after the loss of our son Aaron at birth in June 2016. She also did an amazing job sharing Aaron’s story this year for us and your blog post today is so helpful for me to see the other side of grief. Thank you again for raising such a wonderful daughter. Here’s the link to Aaron’s story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zYPwatwtHI
My son Eric was born December 13, 2005. Bye was due February 25, 2006. He was stillborn but i can remember nothing sad about his life. I know it was sad, but I’m filled with such a peace.
I have another boy who was born February 9 2007. My due dates were about 9days apart. And no, i wouldn’t have him of Eric had lived.
I had a miscarriage at Christmastime 2008. I would have been due in August the next treat.i got pregnant with my daughter in July. She asks me about her big brother or sister often.
Here’s another interesting coincidence. We had our 5th baby 2-13-15. Eric was born 12-13-05. Those numbers are just rearranged. And that baby turned 10 months old on Erics 10th birthday.
I never fail to tear up at the story of a mother losing her child; it’s just the worst thing most of us can imagine. But I really do believe there’s comfort in knowing that we will see our beloved child again.
And I can say that we conceived my second son two months after a miscarriage, so he wouldn’t have been here but for that pregnancy not working out. He’s not a replacement, because I still ache for that lost child, but my son is most definitely a blessing!