Do you struggle with guilt because you’re not doing enough? People are upset at you? You should be a better friend?
I certainly do. And last night I had a bit of a breakthrough as to the root of the problem. It all started with a bit of a journey I took on the internet, and it’s a little bit “stream of consciousness”. But I think it’s important, so I’d like to invite you on this journey with me as I try to explain!
It started with Jane. Jane is a pseudonym for a woman who has gone public with her story of being drugged and raped while a student at Master’s University. She was held captive for several days, and when she came to, she went immediately to the police and did a rape kit. She also told the school, expecting them to help counsel her. Instead, she claims they brought the rapist in, demanded she forgive him, and demanded that she drop the charges. Eventually she claims she was kicked her out of the school when she wouldn’t comply.
She shared her story last week and it blew up the internet. She has also shared the police report and corroborating evidence, since she’s being accused of lying. (For the record, I believe Jane, and yes, Jane, I see you.) As I was reading this, though, I followed a link to another article explaining the difference between the Jewish and Christian versions of forgiveness.
In Judaism, if a person has wronged someone else, they must seek forgiveness from that person. Christianity, on the other hand, tends to stress forgiveness from God rather than forgiveness from others. The writer explains:
In evangelical Christianity, the dynamic is all different. In this situation, Jane’s rapist presumably already confessed his sin to God, and gained forgiveness through Jesus’ sacrifice. So when Jane walked into the room, her rapist was already forgiven. And if Jane refused to forgive him too, if she continued to make an issue out of what had happened, she would become the problem. She would be walking in sin. After all, once God has forgiven someone for a sin, it’s over, and it would be wrong for another Christian to continue making an issue of it.
I’m reading this and I’m thinking to myself, “Isn’t that terrible what they did to Jane? Isn’t it terrible that they expected her to ‘forgive’ him just because he said sorry, even if there was no acknowledgment of the depth of what he did to her, no evidence of changed behaviour? Isn’t it awful that they expected it to be swept under the rug?”
I could see, looking at this situation, that when Jesus said in Matthew 6:15:
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
He did not mean it as a get-out-of-jail free card to rapists. He did not mean that they could just say sorry and everything would be okay. That doesn’t connect with the God I know. I think God meant that we aren’t to hold bitterness, and we are to let go of vengeance and trust God with the situation.
But–and here’s where important insight #1 comes in–it does not mean that we can’t or shouldn’t allow their behaviour to affect our behaviour.
You can forgive someone without having to reconcile to them. Reconciliation requires true repentance on another person’s part. Forgiveness does not.
Now, both youngest daughter (or Thing 2 as I like to call her) and I have been dealing with similar situations in our personal lives. We live with perpetual guilt because we should have phoned this person. We should have returned that message. We should have answered that text. We should have reached out to her this week. We should have been a better friend.
And as I thought about how ridiculous the way we treat forgiveness often is, it hit me:
At heart, I believe that my emotions aren’t supposed to matter. At heart, I believe that discernment must be unChristian.
You see, if we’re supposed to reconcile with everyone who apologizes, and act like nothing ever happened, then we are supposed to ignore our own feelings. Now, I could take a step back and look at Jane’s situation and say, “that’s obviously not what Christ meant.”
But then I said to myself, “But Sheila, you tell yourself to ignore your own emotions all the time.”
It may not be about forgiveness or sin per se. But I’m constantly telling myself to ignore how I feel and to be loving anyway.
I live by two verses: In Luke 9:23, Jesus says:
Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”
And in John 3:30, John the Baptist says of Jesus:
He must increase, but I must decrease.
I must decrease. I must deny myself. Therefore, what I want shouldn’t matter. What matters is whether or not I am loving those around me, right? That’s the Christian thing to do, right?
What ends up happening, though, is that I find I can’t love everybody around me.
Some people are difficult. Some people hurt me in little ways, or some people I find more annoying than others. But they want things from me. They ask favours. And I should grant them, right? I should be loving, shouldn’t I?
Take one tiny example. Sometimes I’ll get an email asking something of me. I won’t want to do it, but I won’t want to answer the email and say that, either, because I should be helping people. I mean, sure I work all day, but at night I like to watch Netflix for a bit and knit. If I have time to watch Netflix for a bit and knit, then surely I could help this person, right?
So I feel guilty. And the email sits there. And sits there. And sits there. Until, 6 months later, it’s really too late to help the person anyway. So I can happily delete it, because, “Well, I guess there’s nothing I could do about it now!”
But I spent 6 months staring at that email, feeling guilty, before I deleted it.
Instead, I could have owned my choice from the beginning.
I could have said, “I have a lot to do and this person just isn’t a priority right now. So I’m going to say a polite no.”
That’s what boundaries are, and I do believe in boundaries. I even told Thing 2 yesterday afternoon, before I had some insights, that she should choose one thing to say yes to every week–one person to help and to pour out to, and then instead of asking whether she should say no to everyone else, she can say, “I am a kind person. I have helped. But I can’t help everybody, so now I have the freedom to say no to others.”
I do believe that. But I also know how hard it is for me. And I’ve realized the reason that it’s hard is because I don’t feel like I have a right to say, “Some people bother me,” or “I would prefer not to spend time with this person.” I feel as if what I think shouldn’t matter, because I am to deny myself, right?
As I’m mulling this over, though, something hit me. I’m ignoring half of those verses. Take a look at them again:
He must increase; I must decrease.
Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.
Do you see what I was missing? I believe in the deny myself part of the verse. I believe in the “I must decrease” part of the verse. I tell myself that my feelings don’t matter; that I need to soldier on; that I should be pouring myself out.
But Jesus doesn’t say that. Jesus doesn’t simply say that we must decrease. We decrease so that He increases. It’s about Him.
I live my life thinking that the way to live the Christian life is to love absolutely everybody else and do things for everybody else and not let the fact that certain people are toxic hurt me, because the badge of honour of a Christian is that nothing ever gets to me. I’m above it, because I’m in Christ.
But if I do that, then what I’m saying is that the definition of a Christian is that what everybody else wants matters far more than what I want.
That’s not Christianity.
Christianity says that what God wants matters.
I live as if the Lord’s prayer says:
Thy kingdom come, everybody else’s will be done…
But that’s not what Jesus says. Jesus says,
They kingdom come, Thy will be done.
Do you see the significance of that? Christ does not want us pouring our lives out for everybody else. Christ wants us pouring our lives out for Him.
And Jesus knows I can’t do everything. Jesus knows that some people sap my energy more than others. Jesus knows that I am called to certain specific things, and if I do others they will take me away from my central calling.
So what’s the answer? Stay in very close communion with Christ so that you can hear when He is asking you to give someone else a hand. Talk to Him constantly so you can start to hear His voice saying, “Say yes to that request. I have a plan for that…” But then know that if you don’t hear that voice, and you feel like, “that’s not something I can take on right now,” you can say no.
Too often we think that the Christian life is about emptying ourselves of everything. But we forget the second step: so that we can fill us up with Christ. That’s what makes the difference. That’s what ends the guilt.
You do not have to please everyone. You only have to please God. And you do that by listening to Him and by following Him, not by allowing everyone else in the world to set your agenda.
That’s the weird emotional journey I was on last night, but I feel very free right now. I thought it may help some of you, too.
So let me know in the comments: Do you struggle with feeling as if your feelings ultimately shouldn’t matter? Do you struggle with guilt? Do you think this way of looking at it can help? Let’s talk!
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Hello Sheila,
Have you heard of the concept of “compassion fatigue” also known as “secondary traumatic stress”? It is something that affects psychologists, counselors, doctors, and I guess also bloggers helping people, such as yourself and your daughter.
It is a common belief that this phenomenon expresses itself as a decrease of empathy, but that is very rarely true. It usually expresses itself as guilt and anxiety.
Taking care of others, helping those that are suffering, is very straining activity for us humans. You are doing so much to help others. When your brain requests knitting and Netflix, that means you need to recharge.
And the way I think of it is: if I don’t recharge, that will be bad not only for me, but also for the ones I love and for the people I want to help. This helps me recharge without feeling guilty over it.
Love that, Flo! I’ve actually been worrying that I’m not compassionate anymore. When I was in university, if I so much as thought of the plight of girls in the Third World, or child sex slaves in Cambodia, I would start to cry.
Last week I looked at pictures of Puerto Rico and I didn’t feel anything.
And that was terrible! I’ve decided that even if I don’t emotionally feel it, I can pray, and I do.
But one thing I find difficult is waking up every morning to tons of comments from women whose husbands use porn. It’s quite depressing. So you’re likely right!
But the guilt I’ve been feeling is more in my personal life. I think I’m starting to get a better handle on it and get to a healthier place. I’m going to google “secondary tramautic stress” now!
I am not an expert on the topic, but I think a great first step is to recognize that the anxiety and the guilt are caused by secondary traumatic stress, and to “separate” them from the very needed rests, so that the rests feel and work better…
On the subject of the porn epidemic and the wives that are victims of it: I cannot even imagine. It was so hard for me to get over the trauma, even though in my case things developed in probably the best way possible… I cannot imagine what women go through when their husband is hiding the habit, or unwilling to quit, or unable to quit. It brings me back in time to when I was so vulnerable, when it looked like he wouldn’t manage to quit, and when he didn’t want to quit fully…
It is just so horrible. And sometimes it seems like EVERYONE is dealing with it. Happily I hired someone else to go through my emails first, but the comments are really sad.
I’ve seen that many of these comments are from wives who JUST discovered, one way or another, their husband’s porn use, or the fact that it is still ongoing. This is a moment of EXTREME distress, and actually a critical time, as the way it unfolds can lead to PTSD or other serious issues. Now that I am thinking of this, I realize that there is great need for a “I just learned my husband watches porn” hotline, handled by well-prepared individuals…..
Great blog post and so true of me all my life! I wonder if this is the very reason why it feels like the few churches I’ve been to (present one included) are so hyper focused on doing doing doing all the time and that if you’re not doing what they think you should be doing then you’re not good enough or need to change. At least that’s how it comes across. I don’t think they mean it to but it’s just a thought.
We can always forgive but it doesn’t necessarily mean we can just forget easily. We will remember. Time heals though, we just need time.
Re: Flo… This kind of aligns with the “oxygen theory”. When we listen to the safety instructions while flying, we need to ‘save ourselves before our kids, we need to put the oxygen mask on first before we can help others. Thus in daily life: we need to allow time for ourselves – to rest, recover, recharge.
This somehow reminds me
of budgeting… Without a budget you might feel guilty every time you do something fun but not essential (like eating out) because you think you could save that money. But if you have a budget and you allocated a certain amount to your savings and you also give yourself s certain amount for fun you can enjoy the fun guilt free because you know you are still meeting your savings goal.
So I guess you need to figure how much of your time you can allocate to help others (like let’s say 5 hours a week of answering emails where women ask for help) and I would also separate these mails from other emails. Then after time is up you can move on guilt free.
Anyways, it’s all about knowing what God is calling you to do… There is usually more needs pulling at us then what we can give. We are not asked to share all we have and then some, Jesus said to give up one coat if we own two…
I used to but I don’t anymore. A lot of this comes with age and maturity and refining my understanding of how God wants me to live. Or said another way – God continually working on me and showing me new revelations based on his word.
I think the school handled that situation wrong because it didn’t acknowledge the impact of the wrong done to Jane. But Jane I believe is going through the natural progression of what was done to her and guilt is one of those emotions – she can’t not feel guilty but hopefully, she’ll get to a place where she can let the guilt and know how to treat all of those that wronged her. I do think the guilt Jane is dealing is at a different level than being unresponsive to email or not doing something we thought we should do.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Thanks, Nylse! I do think that as I get older it’s easier to say no, too.
Love this! Forgiveness, yes, but let’s not be an enabler. Boundaries may need to be erected, changes need to be made, or sometimes, relationships need to be severed. It doesn’t mean there isn’t forgiveness and it doesn’t mean there are consequences.
I HATE how people abuse the forgiveness passage AND keep making the same mistakes. I also get fired up when I am accused of not forgiving when I have, but I do expect changes if there is going to be a healthy relationship.
Thank you so much for this.
Be blessed 🙂
Yes, exactly! You can forgive and still take a step back and wait for real change to come. Jesus was wise; He wasn’t just someone that people walked all over. But we really have made it so that the person who is hurt is often labelled as the one who is now in the wrong, and that’s just plain wrong, too.
I really needed this, thank you. I was driving to the hospital this morning to bring my mother in law home and was going over this scenario in my head of all the other stuff I also maybe need to do and feeling like I can’t possibly. I don’t work and my kids are teens in school so I often feel like what I do doesn’t matter or that my own health doesn’t matter. Never mind that my daughter has severe mental health issues. Never mind that my son is depressed and has learning challenges. Never mind that I care for both my mom and my mil. Never mind that I average 3-5 appointments a week between all of us. Mever mind that I volunteer for 3 different positions at church and bibke study. Never mind that I have an auto immune disease and only have so much energy. All that and I still feel like I’m not doing enough. Nobody is telling me that I’m not good enough, it’s all just in my head. Sigh.
Oh, Moogle, you do have a lot on your plate! And Jesus does see it. He really does. I’m sorry about your children. That’s probably the hardest burden you carry, I’m sure. I wish I could make your burden lighter, but I just want you to know that Jesus sees.
As I read your response, I thought about stepping away from the things that are out of my control. So, for example, I would remove all of those volunteering assignments. It would clear up your schedule so you could focus on other things and remove some of the guilt and allow you to take care of yourself so you could take care of those around you.
Just a thought.
This article makes me think of the saying “you cannot pour from an empty cup”. Lately I feel like my cup has been bone dry, and I feel completely drained. A lot of my guilt has come from over-attached friends and the fact that I feel I need to supplement my husband’s income.
Yes, over-attached friends! That’s what my kids go through. It’s really hard!
Gosh yes! I feel like I’m there for so many of my friends but when I need them, I feel like they are going through so much themselves that I don’t want to burden them with my own stuff so I don’t even reach out. Yet I know they would be there for me if I did. Then there are those other friends who are more like close acquaintances but they see you as their best friend… and then they make passive aggressive comments about how I don’t call them or chat with them often enough. Sigh
Oh my goodness, yes! I was raised to be a servant. To go above and beyond for everyone else and run yourself ragged. My mother did this and because she saw us, her children, as an extension of herelf,we were put aside for others much too often. She meant well, just lost sight of what was important.
Ive recently figured out myself that it’s not others who should come first but God. My relationship with God comes first and everything else follows. I don’t believe God wants discord in the family and that’s what happens when we see our children and spouses as an extension of ourselves instead of as individuals. So my personal rule is, if it’s going to make me too tired to be a good mother or wife, it’s not happening without God. Having that close relationship with God makes it easier to know what he wants for you. My husband and I have a saying, “God, then family, then everyone else.” This helps us stay on track and remember what’s really important. We know that if it’s what God wants us to do then he will supply the tools (ie. energy) to get it accomplished and still have enough left over for our callings as spouses and parents.
I know a lot of families where that happens–where the kids take second place to the things Mom thinks she should be doing, because somehow to pour into her own kids would be selfish. That’s doing something that she would want to do. And unless we’re doing things we don’t really want to do, then we’re not denying ourselves. It is really silly–but really real.
I think you’re totally right about our relationship with God. Nothing makes sense unless we can have that close relationship and can ask Him what we should be doing. Nothing.
YES!!!
I have regularly beaten myself up for the things I”m not doing, and then I have to stop and look at what I *am* doing. And it is enough, because it is what I know I am called to do. When I take on too many other things, I don’t have the time/energy for the things I should be doing.
We also have Thing 1 and Thing 2, also Little Cats B and C. 🙂
Yes! Why is it that we judge ourselves for what we don’t accomplish, rather than celebrating what we do?
Why we judge ourselves for what we didn’t do, instead of feeling pleased with what we accomplished?
There are a few reasons I’m personally aware of – I’m sure there are others!
– We start the day with a list (written or mental) and we don’t get through it all. Never mind the crisis we dealt with instead, the sock drawer didn’t get sorted.
– Often the things we didn’t do are more immediately visible. I can see the heap of laundry I didn’t get to today. The time spent listening to a child’s fears and dreams, reading stories, and blowing dandelions together doesn’t “show”.
– We compare the messy reality of our own lives to other people’s carefully curated online personas.
– We compare the total chaos of our lives with 4 kids under 10 to magazines, “how to be a perfect mom” type articles, and other unrealistic standards. Letting myself have some slack was hard, but necessary.
Also, I think a large part of it is that “He has placed eternity in the hearts of men”. We know there is something better, we know we are created for more – and so we yearn for it. Then we channel that yearning into the wrong places and become frustrated.
So true! Opportunity costs.
Oh Sheila, I totally feel you! I certainly feel guilty about not being enough all the time! its a common enneagram 5 trait (fearing that the world wants more than you have to give), and made even worse by my people pleasing tendencies!
I have recently started taking a proper Sabbath rest time, where I have given myself a list of ‘suitable’ activities, and a list of ‘definitely NOT’ activities. Some of my list of ‘definitely NOT’ activities include using the internet, housework, cooking, gardening, car maintenance.
On my list of ‘suitable’ activities I have reading, watching an episode of a favourite show/movie, phone a friend, go for a walk, take a nap, go swimming.
I really feel like this Sabbath is working wonders for me, because I have given myself permission to not feel guilty during that time if there are dishes in the sink, or laundry to be folded, or dusting to be done (or any of the multitude of things that might be on my to do list). I actually feel relaxed during this downtime!
I really liked what Lydia said about budgeting your time, I think that is a great way to go about it.
I have also heard an analogy that we are not really a cup to be filled up and emptied, but more like a hose, where Jesus flows through us, being poured in and poured out, but never actually emptied. I aim to live in that close a relationship with Him, where I can feel His love pouring through me at all times. Some days I really feel like I’ve got it, and then others I struggle. On the struggle days, it is so important to pray and read my Bible, but they are also the days that I am least likely to reach for my bible. I now have an audio bible on my iPod, and I love listening to a psalm (usually several times over to really soak it in) or part of one of the gospels (there is nothing quite as awesome as getting to know Jesus better).
I love what you said about Sabbath rest… Isn’t it just plain dumb of us to ignore that beautiful law God gave us to rest one day a week? I think we should take it seriously and enjoy the blessing of the Sabbath…
Good analogy about Jesus flowing through us. Maybe when we become conscious of “giving out,” that should raise a red flag that we need to get back to putting God first. Ultimately it’s all abut him. Our service is an overflow of our love to him, which is an overflow of his love to us. It shouldn’t be this wearisome burden, but a naturally joyful giving.
So often when this happens, I think we blame ourselves for not being “good enough” Christians, not sacrificial or giving enough, so our response is to grit our teeth and up the ante until we’re completely exhausted by our human efforts, instead of coming back to sit at his feet again.
I struggle with guilt over not being enough, needing my needs met…..all the hat stuff. I needed to read this. It reminded me of something else God has been showing me. As I learn to die to self for my husband and son (because I do feel that this is my area of service and ministry now) , I hav been too focused on the cross aspect. But, Jesus didn’t focus on the cross, it was’for the joy set before Him.’ So, I have been focused on the joy of following Him, of choosing others. I read in My Utmost For His Highest that we arent made for the cross, but for the glory. So, we may have to endure it, but is isn’t the point.
I don’t know if it makes sense that I would share that in relation to the post, but both concepts help me.
That does make sense, Nicole! Thank you. I like that a lot.
Thank you so much for this! This was so helpful!
Hi Shiela,
My Friend and I have been in this long conversation for multiple months that ended up going to an email conversation. Last night I read this and thought of your post I THINK THIS HAS GREAT SIGNIFICANCE TO YOU:
Imagine the parent of a severely autistic child. A child that you buy puppies for, cook wonderful meals for, take fishing. take on wonderful vacations, buy amazing clothes for, provide the best education for, etc.
Because of the autism, there is never any emotional reaction from the child. No huge smiles, big hugs. Nothing but a blank stare.
Which parent has the greater love (or maybe more mature love?) for their child? The parent with the normal child that gets the emotional consolations or the one with the autistic child that gets nothing?
I believe the answer is the one with the autistic child because the love is so pure, so selfless…….it does these things only for the good of the child. Never for the emotional reward.
When I read that Mother Teresa “doubted the existence of God”, I really didn’t take that super literally. I didn’t because I read it in the context of her doing all these wonderful things. Things she did only for the “Love of God”. I don’t think someone can do something for someone they don’t truly believe exists. At least not over the long term. I think that parent with the autistic child is given a supernatural grace to understand that somewhere in there that child of theirs understands and appreciates that love even though there isn’t an emotional reward for them.
When we were talking about my quest for organic cucumbers in Philly and my $51 ticket, you told me that you heard a lot of love for my wife in that story. That was very, very perceptive and accurate on your part. I laughed when you told me that and even then, I didn’t recognize it myself. But it was very, very true. The even greater love for my wife would have been to do all those things without crabbing. But even with the crabbing, it was a loving act.
So I believe that the “dark night of the soul” that we were talking about isn’t a bad thing. Or anything to fear. It is a maturing of our love for God. A purifying of that love for Him that makes it more heroic. More mature. More selfless and more pure. It takes all the impure motivation out of our loving acts so that we can stand before God and look into His face without dying of terror.
Did you know that Moses had to cover his face with a veil when he came down from the mountain where he was talking with God? The purity that the presence of God imparted to Moses’ face caused the Jews to fall over dead from fright at the sight of Moses – due to the realization of their own inadequacies before God. Imagine if it wasn’t Moses they were looking at, but God Himself.
The dark night isn’t given out of punishment or spite. And it isn’t given to anyone who isn’t ready for it. When it is given, it is given as a gift so that the recipient can “mature” in such a way as to be worthy to stand before God with absolutely no shame.
As Catholics, we believe this “maturation” is going to happen. It has to happen as nothing unholy and nothing imperfect can enter Heaven. It can happen in this life or the next. If it happens in this life, it is the “dark night”. If it happens in the next, it’s Purgatory.
I am not in this place. But I know you read this book because I recall a post you did on it about a year ago? It seems to me your struggle just may pertain to this. When I read this I specifically thought of you sharing about your no feeling about Puerto Rico pictures and guilt. As they say in the rooms I attend to help men with sex addiction. Take what you want and leave the rest. I do however, hope you find this helpful
That was beautiful, Phil. Thank you. I think the journey I’m on right now is to give myself permission to have real feelings, and not to assume that the Christian way always means feeling overworked. It really is about hearing Jesus’ voice and coming back to Jesus. It’s funny–I’ve been talking about this all week without even realizing it. Today’s post, too, on how there isn’t a formula for parenting, it’s just all about relationship.
I think I often don’t see when I’m being “good” or Christlike, as you pointed out. We often don’t see it when we’re closest to it. But Jesus sees, and thank you for reminding me of that today!
Sheila,
Thanks for this. Lots of food for thought here, and I definitely relate.
Giving myself “permission to have real feelings” is something I struggle with, and it often does get mixed up with the concept of denying myself. I think it does have a lot to do with boundaries — identifying where I end and the other person begins, so I’m clear about where my responsibilities end. Easier said than done, though! 🙂