What’s the secret to a happy marriage?
Today’s Wednesday, the day when I always talk marriage (though, to be honest, I talk about it on most other days, too!). I’ve written over 500 Wifey Wednesday posts now, hoping desperately to help you all grow great relationships.
Keith and I truly do have a happy marriage, and I feel like we don’t work at it that much. It’s just kind of evolved, after years of making good little choices, which do add up. And we’ve confronted and dealt with some pretty huge things so they didn’t snowball.
But at the same time, I’m getting paranoid for so many people around me.
This week someone we love a lot phoned my husband and said, “Hey, can I stop by and talk to you guys?”
That sounds innocuous enough, but I went into full panic mode. I was just getting ready to make dinner, and as I was chopping up vegetables all of these scenarios were going through my head. Keith was sure it was cancer. I was sure that the guy was going to tell us he and his wife had decided to split.
You see, we’ve had quite a few conversations about cancer and divorce lately with people that started with that phone call–“hey, can I just talk to you guys for a bit?”
For the next twenty minutes I was mourning the loss of his wife in my life. I was picturing what life would be without her, and realizing how much I really valued both of them. I got all teary.
And then he got here. Turns out he was working in our home town for the day and thought, “Hey, I’d love to see Keith and Sheila. I’ll see if I can just drop by after work.” That’s it. So we had a good laugh about it and chatted for a bit and then he went home to his (very happy and healthy) wife.
I think I’m just getting really jaded.
I’ve had a lot of divorces in my circles in the last little bit, and I’m watching so much pain. Much of that pain isn’t being felt by the people getting divorced themselves (though some is). A lot of it is felt by the kids. My friends and family all have kids similar ages to my own (20 & 22), so when divorce hits, it affects these kids just as their lives are beginning.
Katie is home for a few days, and we were talking late last night about all of this. (The only time I stay up late is when my kids are home; I like to snatch all the conversation I can!). I said to her, “I just want to believe that I’m helping some people avoid pain somewhere, because it sometimes seems like those close to me are all hurting, and I wish I could have done more.”
I wonder, in so many marriages, what would have happened if I had intervened earlier (and that, by the way, is why I’m a huge advocate of marriage mentorship programs at churches done well. Here’s what I think a marriage ministry should look like).
I can’t intervene in those marriages. But I know what I would say.
Two years ago 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage was published.
And that book really does contain the secret to a happy marriage–learning to think differently about marriage, realizing that it’s not about making the marriage strong or about making you happy. It’s about honouring God and doing what’s right.
That may sound trite, but hear me out. When we focus on having a good marriage, too often we make marriage our idol. We start judging our own performance as a wife, and invariably his as a husband, which is a recipe for disaster already. But we also may be afraid to confront real issues because we don’t want to rock the boat and endanger the marriage. So instead things fester, for years, until suddenly they blow up, right when your kids are in their twenties.
The other danger is that we focus on our own happiness and feelings. Last night I received a comment on this blog from a heartbroken woman who married a guy with a sexual past. On his wedding night, he called her the name of one of his former sexual partners (what a terrible thing to do!). But that hurt has haunted the marriage. She hasn’t been able to move on. Sex is over. And twenty years later they’re miserable.
When we focus on our feelings, we often end up miserable.
But when we focus on God–what does God want in this situation?–things are often clarified. It’s clear how healing happens, what humility will look like, and what rebuilding trust and offering forgiveness will look like.
God can do amazing things to transform marriages, and I know that this is what He wants.
He is the author of the ministry of reconciliation, after all! And in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I show you such practical tips on how you can do small things that can change your entire attitude. But I also show you how you can do big things and address those huge issues in your marriage. But it all starts by learning to be GOOD, by focusing on what is right, rather than by being NICE and by being HAPPY. It’s a whole different emphasis.
When the book launched, I ran a contest where people who bought it could win dinner with me, somewhere in the U.S.! My winner lived in Georgia, and I took she and a friend out to dinner a while ago. She had read all of my books, including the sex ones, and loved them (that’s why she was so eager to buy my new one). But this one, she said, was the best. It was the most profound. And it was what so many other marriage books are lacking.
I know many of you who read the blog haven’t actually read it, and I just want to encourage you to pick it up today.
As I was saying to Katie last night, I just hope that something I’m doing is reducing the pain in the world, because we’re seeing far too much of it up close and personal right now. This book is my honest and heartfelt attempt to help people overcome pain and truly grow their marriages!
And I have something special for you: I’ve created a FREE video course to go along with the book.
I announced it last year, but I haven’t talked about it in ages, and I think many people don’t know about it. It’s got an individual study option, or a 6-week group study option or an 8-week group study option.
The videos aren’t too long–most are around the 10 minute mark. And then there are discussion questions and personal challenges and so much more! And it’s all FREE.
If you’re starting a women’s Bible study in the fall, and you’re wondering what to study, this book can change your life!
And if you don’t belong to a women’s Bible study, what about just asking some friends to get together and do the study with you? Watch the videos ahead of time and then meet at a Starbucks to talk, or have people in to your house and have a great time there. It doesn’t have to be all formal, with a church. It can just be a bunch of friends, getting together, and talking about things that matter.
If you’re tired of feeling like your marriage is good, but not good enough…
If you’re wondering if you can ever move on from this hurt…
If you’re wondering if you can ever truly deal with this one huge roadblock in your marriage…
If you’re wondering if you can ever stop feeling constantly annoyed…
Then this study is for you!
I hope that some of what I have said has helped you avoid pain.
I really am feeling like there’s way too much pain in the world! And I know that 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage will get you on the road to a great marriage! So take a look at the book, and think about starting a study this fall. And if you do–send me some pictures! I’d love to see them. 🙂
Do you find yourself overwhelmed that so many friends and family are going through so much pain? Or have you read 9 Thoughts or something else on this blog that has helped you get over pain? Let’s talk about it in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Hi Sheila. This blog and several of your books have helped take me to a new plane of life. For that I am grateful. Someone might ask how can some lady who writes mostly to women and woman topics and lives in Canada help some guy who used to have a porn problem who lives in the South East United States over the internet and through a book? Well Sheila, I can’t really answer that. God works in mysterious ways. My Wife and I are working through a full year to great sex LOL. I mean 31 days. We are in the slow class. There have been tough discussions, there was an argument in the shower the other night lol. It is funny now but it wasn’t then. But I can tell you that yes the sex is way better than anything I have experienced even in active addiction! Howver, at the end of the day the best part of my life is God. I had this primary focus of improving my marriage. God stepped in and showed me Him. You are struggling with a similar issue I just had. Guys who don’t want to get sexually sober. I had guys I work with disappear, act out sexually and plain old not even try. I have been helping folks for a long time. Why do these people not want to get sober? Why won’t they do the work? The results are so over the top anything can offer! I was considering walking away from my program. After working through a ton of stuff at home, using your material, working with my Pastor and with people in my program, it was revealed to me that in the past, first I took from the program, then I took and gave to the program. Now I must Give. Somewhere I read in the Bible that if all your work helps just 1 person you will be given all the glory. Something like that. Yesterday I told this guy. Why am I doing my best yet I am still always wrong. I always have a part in it. I always have to strive to improve. The answer is weird. The more I give with no expectations the more that is given to me. It is profound when it happens. I would say KEEP TRUCKIN GIRL. You are doin great. Thanks for walking with me.
Thank you so much, Phil! You have been such an encouragement lately, and I really, really appreciate it.
And it’s so cool to hear what God is doing in your life!
I often shake my head at people, too. Why don’t they see that there is a better route to life and marriage than the one they’re on that causes pain? But people have a real need to see themselves as the “right” one, and making change means that you’re admitting you’re at least partly in the wrong. Few people are humble enough to do that. We’d rather blame everyone else for their shortcomings.
It’s hard to watch. So kudos to you for trying to give back and walk people through this difficult journey, even if they aren’t that eager themselves!
Also – character solution is 2 posts lol. But this is important. I dove deeper into why I was struggling with this. My friend who is in his 60’s has a son who is my age -45. He is dying from Pancreatic Cancer. My Friend found out and then acted out sexually after 7 years. Long story short is he told me that I reacted to his son’s condition and him acting out negatively. I was taken back. After I dove into the issue deeper and reading your little boot book, I found this. I had fear that my friend was going to disappear just like the people in my program do after they act out. What do i do when people disappear? I get angry. The root of this? Fear of abandonment when my Father passed away when I was 7. I am 44 about to be 45 years old. Do you know how many times I have been through this topic? Yet my life is still driven by it today. Sheila, I am going to tell you something here. I was sitting with my friend about 2 weeks ago talking about redemptive suffering. We were in the middle of a very sorrowful moment about his son. In the strangest of moments God tickled me. I burst out laughing with extreme embarrassment. I did my best to cover myself. God was telling me that there is joy in death. He was telling me that I don’t have to be afraid of loosing someone. It was way profound Sheila. I hope this helps you.
You know I was mulling over similar thoughts today and was wondering whether to share it. My daughter is a newlywed (2 weeks and counting!!!) and I’ve found myself going back to things that were helpful and honestly it’s simply profound – as you mentioned.
So thanks for being in my head!!!
I’m glad we are as one. 🙂
Sheila,
Your books, blog and content are all first rate and very gospel centered. Absolutely on the mark. I really appreciate it. The biggest challenge I find for me and my wife is that book reading and understanding is great, but doesn’t necessarily translate into action. Without a commitment to daily, active effort, over a period of time, even the smallest and simplest concepts stay in the world of reading and don’t get integrated into our lives. I really wish that all we had to do was read and understand and then our actions would follow suit. Unfortunately, it actually takes real struggle, and if there isn’t sufficient pain (for one or the other), there also will not be change.
What I struggle with is the feeling that I am working and changing, but my wife doesn’t notice the difference in my words and actions. Also, though she reads and believes the words, she doesn’t see how they apply to her. When she does see, it just bothers her, but doesn’t provide incentive to act differently on a consistent basis.
It’s so easy to revert to what is the comfortable past, even if it is not the most comfortable in the long-run future. I also know that I should not be concerning myself with my wife’s shortcomings – that’s her issue (and me wanting her change is my issue to get rid of).
Do you have any suggestions for making the path to change more effective? for both me and my wife?
Oh, that is so tough, isn’t it? I wrote a post a while ago on the only way to change a marriage is to actually put things into practice, not just to learn things. But we don’t get it. It’s like my Top 10 Tuesday posts; my dream for them was to provide 10 concrete ideas of small things that you could actually DO that would change something. Then the goal is to pick just 1 or 2 and actually do them. That’s better than remembering what all 10 are! It’s not head knowledge; it’s actually putting it into practice.
So I try to be really practical.
But the simple truth is that it’s all too easy to ignore.
Here’s another example: I know so many women who have pushed their husbands away because all they see is the things that their husbands do wrong. So I’ll write a post on how the two biggest things that impact a marriage, according to research, is scanning for things to praise and making bids to connect. Two simple tiny things. Yet when you write that, people will agree wholeheartedly–and then not realize it applies to them because their husband is so dense I couldn’t possibly mean scanning for things to praise HIM for.
It’s very tough when people don’t want to see. But I think the big thing is that, whenever you are talking about marriage issues, instead of airing feelings again and again, say something like, “I hear that you’re feeling X. What 1 thing can I do tomorrow to help you not feel X but feel Y instead?” In other words, stop rehashing the same things, and ask for concrete steps that you could take. If that is the aim of every conversation–identify the feeling and need, and then find a way to fix it–then that can become more natural and hopefully she will catch on too. But if all conversations are about how terrible things are, then you may never get to the action points.
I hope that helps. I know it’s tough. Hang in there!
Hi Sheila,
I really appreciate everything you do here on this blog, and your encouragement above all to honour God and do what is right. I’m 26 and my husband is 25 and we got married March last year. We’re farming with my husband’s family, and in September last year my father in law took his own life, meaning my husband has had to take over running the farm far earlier and with less input than he expected. It has been extraordinarily stressful and emotional for him, and also has made our first year and half of marriage so far pretty tough and quite different to what I expected!
Sex has been a hard one to work out for me, when it feels like every day is just work from dawn till dusk and I’m just my husband’s employee and then at night I have to try and switch that off and get enthusiastic about sex. The Good Girl’s Guide and your blog have helped me understand how important it is to make sex a priority, and how important sex is for my husband to feel connected to and loved by me. It’s a challenge, but I’m tackling it! And when I make it a priority it definitely helps our relationship a lot. Then in the last couple of weeks I have read through the first half of 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. I’m by nature a very passive person, but 9 Thoughts has given me the courage to approach some things that weren’t right and that I’ve been allowing myself to get resentful over, and especially to focus on myself and make the changes I can make. Focussing on these changes because it honours God makes all the difference. It helps me make practical changes for both of our good rather than withdrawing because I feel hurt.
Marriage is still hard, but I’ve received so much encouragement from you and hope that it can get better, with practical advice to help get there. So thank you heaps!
Oh, Pip, thank you so much for sharing that and for how my book has helped! That’s so encouraging and humbling.
I’m so sorry about your father-in-law’s suicide. What a thing to go through in your first year of marriage–and then all the added stress on top of it. Wow.
But you know what? You’re learning today how to work through hard times. You may not feel it, but you are getting stronger. And if you learn to love each other even now, then think how strong your marriage will be in a decade or two! This is hard, but you will get through it, because it sounds like you’ve got a great attitude and the right focus now!
Thanks for the encouragement! It’s easy to lose sight of the growth that will come from this in the everyday busyness.
I’ve often thought that it’s exhausting in any relationship where one person is constantly in the role of providing support and advice, without receiving much back…I guess it’s kinda like that with blogging too. It would be easy to get bogged down by the weight of the problems everyone wants to share with you! Praying that God will continue to provide you with the strength you need to stand up under that, and for rest and energy.
Oh Sheila! For some reason it was on my heart to pray for you and your ministry yesterday, specifically about a healthy, happy positive outlook (I was listening to a podcast about Christians and anxiety/worry). It must be so difficult not to become jaded when you get so many emails about marital problems, and hear so many stories of difficult marriages, especially when you have such a heart for helping others!
Thank you so much for your ministry, you have certainly helped my marriage and view of healthy, biblical sexuality, and I especially love your focus this year on providing your readers with actionable ideas, not just theories!
Thanks for saying that, we should cover Sheila in prayer because she is in ministry.
Oh, E, thank you so much! I really appreciate the prayer. Right now we’re just super busy behind the scenes getting ready for two launches plus a new speaking engagement, and we have a LOT going on in our family (good stuff, but still busy stuff). So it’s just a lot on my plate, which I can find overwhelming at times. So thank you so much for the prayers! I’m really excited about the puberty course we’re putting our final touches on in the next week or so. I think it’s going to help so many moms of daughters. So that would be great to pray for, because I think it can be really powerful!
Hi. I am not married but I read your blog. It has been very helpful. I have had a friend who suffered from virginusmus and we didn’t even know what to call it. I started reading your blog later and it truly helped. One thing your blog helps me with is the attitudes in my heart. Having the correct perspective before marriage is a great help. I am 31, trusting God for His best and I am writing a book targeted at singles, hoping To encourage others out there to trust God and follow after Him. Your speaking out has contributed to giving me courage to speak out too. God bless
I’m so glad! And welcome. I really should write more for single people, because I know there are a lot of single readers!
Thank you Sheila Gregoiry for your wonderful advice that really make big difference in my life and my family as well.
Thank you so much for your ministry, you have certainly helped my marriage and view of healthy, biblical sexuality, and I especially love your focus this year on providing your readers with actionable ideas, not just theories!
Is there a 9 male thoughts in the works? I read your blogs a lot. Wish the wife would! And yes I have tried. Unfortunately, reading this is the same answer as sex–not interested.
I didn’t ask if you were interested, you are never interested, I asked if you wanna. HA!
I have tried to find a similar site for “us guys”. None I have found so far are as much “fun” as yours seems to be. I think your words “shallow and trite” are spot on. I really appreciate your candor, and humor, and breadth! I just wish we had similar 25 years ago. Might have avoided so much.
Do you know of a site that most closely resembles yours in content and tenor for “the other half”?
Tired of trying to lead a horse to water, and cannot find my own.