Are you married to the strong and silent type? Do you wish that he would open up a bit?
Many women feel emotionally stifled in their marriages because we just don’t seem to be able to reach our husband’s heart. So today I thought I’d get a male perspective on this! So many women blog about marriage, so I was thrilled a year and a half ago to run into Kevin A. Thompson, a pastor who says some really insightful things (I’ve linked to lots of his posts on my Facebook page!) He recently wrote an amazing book called Friends, Partners, and Lovers which will make your marriage much richer! And I invited him today to talk about how to bridge this emotional connection gap.
Here’s Kevin:
“I just wish he would talk to me.”
Her voice broke and her lower lip quivered. On the outside, they looked like the perfect couple–married for 40 years, the model for many young couples in our church. But on the inside things weren’t as good. They didn’t have a bad marriage, but a level of intimacy was missing because he didn’t consistently talk to her. They would discuss a news story or he would listen as she reported the latest news about the grandchildren, but the deep, heart-to-heart conversations which define a close intimacy were missing. She wanted more.
She is not alone. One of the most consistent complaints I hear from women is that their husbands won’t talk to them. Wives enter marriage assuming a continual dialogue in which they will share thoughts and emotions, but instead, they experience a monologue in which they continually speak and their husbands only listen (hopefully they are listening). So they come to a man who speaks for a living asking, “How can I get my man to talk?”
A Surprising Fact about Communication
I’m glad my wife isn’t in the room when I’m asked this question. Jenny often feels the same desire that other women feel. While I’m quick to speak on stage, I’m not so quick-tongued at home. She often desires more conversation than I give. But I’ve noticed something about myself which is likely true of most men–I want to talk more than I do. There have been many times in which I desired a meaningful conversation with my wife, but the talk never happened. On the verge of opening up my heart, I’ve hesitated. Many times it’s out of my own fear, but on occasion, it’s because of something she does. While desiring me to talk, she unknowingly does things which prevent the conversation.
Ultimately, I’m responsible for talking. When I said “I do,” part of the doing was revealing my full heart to my wife. This demands honest, heartfelt conversation. Yet there are things my wife, and every wife, can do in order to create a climate where a husband is more likely to talk. It begins with a basic understanding that most men desire to intimately connect with their wives. They want to talk. Some don’t know how. Some are too afraid. Some lack the courage or initiative. But some conversation is hindered because wives are unknowingly preventing the conversation.
5 Ways to Encourage Your Man to Talk
1. Be Honest.
Do you really desire for your husband to talk more? For many women, the answer is no. While they say they desire more communication from their husband, what they actually desire is for their husband to listen more. This is a reasonable desire, but it is different from wanting your husband to talk. One must identify the difference. If you desire your husband to listen more, this isn’t the article for you (but this one on how to get your man to listen may be!). Others say they want more conversation, but they don’t truly desire to hear their husband’s fears, weaknesses, or doubts. You must honestly understand your desire in order to properly move toward it.
2. Listen quietly.
People communicate differently. Some are quick to share their thoughts while others are more hesitant. Some are comfortable being looked in the eye while others shy away.
Beyond individual differences, the sexes also communicate differently. Men often take turns speaking with one person clearly talking and one clearly listening. Women often weave conversation, with moments of both talking at the same time. Women generally talk to create connection while men tend to talk to create independence. Women often open their eyes wider while listening while men tend to squint. Women often talk more personally the closer they physically are to the listener while men often become more guarded when physically close.
You must identify your spouse’s communication style and do things to promote it. If your husband needs physical space to reveal his heart, reject the temptation to move toward him when he begins to speak. When your husband speaks, refrain from talking over him or automatically speaking the first time he is silent. Many men pause before continuing their next thought. Women must avoid the temptation of quickly taking the silence as their cue to start talking. If this is a problem, slowly count to five after your husband stops speaking. In many cases, he will add an additional thought. (Note: men often drip information and the more intimate details come later. If a wife continually speaks as soon as she thinks her husband is finished talking, she is likely missing out on his most personal thoughts.) Until a woman recognizes her husband communicates differently than her, she will likely experience frustration over the differences.
3. Create safety.
We can talk to anyone about anything if we feel safe. Nothing prevents communication like the fear of having our words used against us. The absence of communication is often a sign of fear. Most often, it’s a fear we bring with us into marriage. Parents who divorced, authority figures who shamed us, or past relationships that were unhealthy can scar us in a way that creates fear regarding opening up our hearts. Our own past failures can add to the failure. Words carelessly spoken, fights that became personal, and jokes that publicized inside information can hinder communication for years. If you want your spouse to communicate, you must protect their hearts. Prove that you will not use their words against them, belittle them, or shame them. If you can create safety, your husband will likely share far more than you realize.
4. Join him in activity.
There’s an old saying, “women enjoy communication while men enjoy recreation.” While it’s not fully true, there is a key concept in the statement. Men most often talk while doing things. When talking to one another, men rarely speak face to face. Instead, we talk side by side. Consider two men in a fishing boat, riding in a golf cart, or sitting in a duck blind. In each scenario, men are likely talking, but they aren’t face-to-face. They are side-by-side. This is how men better communicate. We open our hearts in the midst of doing other things. Women often talk while looking the other person in the eye. If you want your man to talk, join him in doing something. Attend the game, go out to the garage, take a drive. Good conversation often defines quality time, but quality time is only the result of a quantity of time. Find ways to do things together and your husband will likely speak more.
5. Study what works.
If you truly desire more conversation, study your husband the way he studies his hobby. Deer hunters will go to great lengths to lure the right deer into his sights. Do the same with your man. Try things and see how they go. Write down what works and what doesn’t. Reflect on good conversations. What made them good? What did you do or not do? What was the setting? Why did he open up in that moment when he hasn’t in others? Do the same with bad conversations. Why did he suddenly shut down? Why wouldn’t he reveal his heart? Good communication is a process. Fail and succeed, but try. As you learn, you will better understand your role in the process.
Own What Is Yours, But Nothing More
Don’t mistake this article as a way to control your man. It’s not your job and it can’t be done. He is responsible for him. But there are some things every woman can do in order to create a climate where her husband is more likely to talk. You should own this. Learn what you tend to do which hinders good communication. Figure out what works.
Few things can change a marriage like good communication. When a couple learns to openly reveal their thoughts, feelings, fears, and hopes, there are few things they cannot face. If you want your man to talk, he likely desires to talk more too. The challenge is to figure out how to make that happen. It starts with these five steps.
What about you? Do any of those tips resonate with you? Let’s talk in the comments!
When We were going through the throws of our marriage 14 years ago I recall 2 ways we would communicate that I liked.
1. We would talk in the dark in bed
2. We would talk while I was in the shower. She would sit on the toliet and we would just talk it out
These methods still happen but I dont notice it because we have done it for so long and now we have SO Many other great ways of communicating that these methods are less used
I do say the are still attractive to my thoughts.
My wife has been away with the kids. I could really go for a nice toliet side chat right about now lol. I miss her.
Have a great day All
Great thoughts, Phil! I’ve often advised couples who have problems with sex that they have to talk about to try in the dark, in bed. That’s often less intimidating! Sitting in a bath while spooning can work, too. Anything where you can’t make eye contact!
Best points in the article, in my opinion, is to create safety and don’t start talking right away. My wife interrupts frequently, at which point I stop talking all together. If my thoughts are worth listening to, then I will simply keep them to myself. More importantly, however, is helping to create a safe place to for communication. There are many times when I feel judged or criticized if I have a different perspective on a topic. Sometimes those topics aren’t even all that important. But when one gets more encouragement at work, one tends to talk less at home.
Now, to be clear, there are things I am trying to work on in my own life. I have to be careful not to finish my wife’s sentence. I also have to stop whatever I am doing and focus on what my wife is saying. It doesn’t matter if I think it is important, as it is important to her.
Yes, I think that’s so important to recognize–that we both tend to err on the side of correcting each other rather than listening to each other! When we see how it affects us, it’s easier to try to stop doing it to our spouse, too.
I think there’s often an element of personality difference here, too. For instance, on the Feeling-Thinking spectrum, those who are Thinkers tend to like to debate more, and disagreeing with someone isn’t seen as rejecting them emotionally. It’s just disagreement. But to someone who is more a feeler, that disagreement can feel like criticism. My husband and I are both natural debaters, but my personality type is also one where I really see my worth as in my opinions (well, not quite, but hopefully you know what I mean). So if he disagrees, I actually DO take that as a personal affront (though he does not). So we have to work on that!
My husband and I have been married for just under 1 and a 1/2 years, so this is all stuff I’m just starting to learn! I’ve found point number 2 about listening quietly to be super important. I’ve often asked a question and then got irritated because I thought my husband was ignoring me, but after a while I realised he was just taking his time to think about his answer, and if I sit quietly long enough he will start talking. Also lying in the dark in bed as Phil commented above seems to work pretty well, as long as neither of us falls asleep 🙂
All great things to learn! Some of it does also come down to being an internal processor vs. external processor. Some people figure out what they think by talking about it. Others have to think it through before they talk. If you’re opposites in this area, it’s easy to feel misunderstood!
Most of our really amazing talks are done over the phone. We´re both introverts so I guess phone conversations combine the energizing feeling of being alone with the ability to really focus on the conversation.
That’s really interesting! I also know of couples who discuss hard things via email. I don’t think it matters as long as the discussions happen.
It’s reversed in my marriage. My husband wants to talk and I shut down. Even some of the physical descriptions (taking turns talking, eyes squinting) sound more like me.
I do have a lot of hesitation opening up. My parents had a nasty divorce when I was young. I was bullied in school. But, beyond that, my husband has a tendency to jump in and immediately counteract what I’m saying. I am not comfortable saying what’s on my mind, because it feels like he’s immediately dismissing what I have to say. (I should note, though, that he’s not a bad guy, and that’s just how his own family communicates. I’ve mentioned this to him before, and he’ll try to be a little less combative for a while, but falls back into his usual pattern.)
That is hard, Mrs. Em! I think it’s good that you recognize yourself in it, though. And perhaps trying to talk while lying in bed in the dark can help, too, because you don’t have to worry about what your face looks like!
First, I think all of these are good points. But I’m not sure of the accuracy of the first basic statement: that most men desire to intimately connect with their wives. Ever read the book Married But Lonely? I read that and it really rings true. It states that most men are intimacy avoiders, and talks about how to hopefully get them on the right path.
Another thing. I’m a big believer in safety in order to open up your heart. So if men want that too, why do they tend to try to “fix” us and tell us not to feel the way we are feeling about whatever? Don’t they see that we don’t feel safe sharing OUR hearts then?
A few weeks ago my husband really opened up to me and talked about some questions he is having about our church denomination. I don’t know why he talked to me about that and not other things close to his heart. This was a really risky conversation on his part. I’ve been in this denomination all my life, and I could have really taken offense and just shot him down. But I didn’t. Maybe he’ll open up when he thinks it’s absolutely necessary, but otherwise not? I just don’t know
My wife tends to be a verbal processor and figures things out as she talks, and I tend to be an e mail processor that figures things out as I write. So I often write to her to start a difficult conversation, then she has time to think a little before responding verbally, and I tend to hear her better. Seems to work for us.
She can stare at a screen and not know what to say.
Just listened to a Brene Brown CD about Shame and she mentioned that lots of women long for their men to open up, but as soon as the men open up, the woman can not handle them, and so she says things that shut the man back down.
My husband just sleeps if we try to talk in the dark. 😉
But seriously, I’ve read that men would rather talk without eye contact, but I really crave it when we’re having a hard discussion. It’s very difficult to let go of my desires in order to make the conversation more beneficial for him. I do truly try to use that method and not take it personally when hubby doesn’t want to look at me.
Maybe the opposite advice could go to men? If you’re having communication problems with your wife try making eye contact? I don’t know, just wondering out loud.
If we could all just naturally know and selflessly do what is better for our spouse wouldn’t things be much easier?
Totally agree, Anna! I think that being giving to each other is the key to so much.
Im having the same problem I am 28 years old got married young had my first son at 18 and I been the happiest wife but when it comes to communication my husband won’t look at my eyes and he will only react when I get tired of talking to ‘myself’ and start giving him an attitude about him ignoring me or not even looking at me while I’m trying to get his attention he’s looking at his phone watching video games YouTube videos! well obviously I get mad but it’s been like this for ever and he answers to me I am listening but he doesn’t even say anything or look at me… for me communication or him listening to my needs it’s important I don’t know what to do….sometimes I do blow up on him and I end up solving the problem the next day by me saying sorry! and I’m tired I need help I am probably asking for attention while I want to talk to him and he feels like everything is perfect but in reality this makes me so mad .and I have to ignored it but it hurts me i might be wrong but I do feel sad about this situation .
Hi Jessica,
My ADHD husband does the same. When I talk to him, instead of making eye contact he’s constantly distracted by tv, phone, or fiddling with something. It can be frustrating.
What helps is approaching him at the right time – when he’s not upset or in the middle of something (no one wants to be interrupted). Directly submit your request to communicate – say, “Hey can I please have your undivided attention for 2-5 minutes? Could you make eye contact while you listen to me? It helps me feel heard.” Get his consent/agreement to talk now or set a time that evening when he can give you his undivided attention.
If you’re not sure he’s listening, after you make a point, ask “What did you hear me say?” and he should be able to paraphrase correctly. If he wasn’t listening, he should realize that’s rude and actually pay attention. Say it hurts your feelings when he ignores you. (Not “you’re a jerk” language, but “I feel” language.)
Some key points: keep it short initially, 2-5 minutes not an hour. Say I need your undivided, keyword UNDIVIDED attention. Please make eye contact. Request active listening. If it works, use positive reinforcement. Say thank you, you feel heard and appreciate it. Good luck!