A huge part of the Sizzling Summer Sex Series is going to have to do with one major thing: women’s sexual pleasure.
And here’s why: too often we think it’s an afterthought.
Sex seems mostly about HIS pleasure. After all, it ends when he has an orgasm. And so women play a game called “beat the clock”. We try to reach climax before he’s done, which is often difficult, since often what feels great for him doesn’t feel great for us. We’re straining and trying and making a lot of effort to make it for us too–to somehow get something out of this thing which is mostly for him–and often we fail.
Everyday in July I’m going to be talking about how to make sex better in your marriage. And today’s our first installment! I wanted to start with this one so important truth:
God made sex to feel amazing for women, too. Women are not an afterthought.
It’s not like sex is for him, and it’s a bonus if she feels good. It’s that sex was always supposed to be mutual. Her pleasure was always supposed to matter.
Do you know how I know that? Because God gave women a clitoris.
That’s right. God gave women a piece of anatomy that has no other purpose other than sexual pleasure. That’s it. That’s the only reason we have it. It’s a little knob of nerves that feels really good!
And you know what else is interesting about that little knob? It’s outside of the vagina. And that means that God intended sexual activity to not only be focused on genitalia, when he is inside you. He also intended us to touch each other, to kiss each other, to experience all of each other.
Do you know why women often don’t like sex?
Because it just plain doesn’t do much for them. We have focused sex so much on the man, that women’s sexual pleasure is often secondary.
And this is often not the husband’s doing, either. We women can be to blame. We feel as if we should have an orgasm from intercourse alone, and so we feel guilty asking for anything else. We feel as if our bodies should respond to the same things that his does, and so when our bodies don’t, we figure that there’s something wrong with us.
The man has become the standard in what sexual pleasure should be, and we women often play catch-up.
And then people wonder why women aren’t that into sex.
Here’s what all too often happens when couples make love:
Or maybe you throw yourself into it and you’re all gross and sweaty, but you never reach climax. Afterwards you’re all sticky and slimy, and you’ve got to change the sheets, and oh no, the lube got on the blanket so you’ve got to wash that, too, so it doesn’t stain. And then you really don’t want to go to bed with… you know what dripping down your legs, so you half waddle with your knees pressed together to the bathroom where you jump in the shower.
And he needs to shower, too, but you don’t want to shower together because there’s not a lot of room and you just had sex and it was just “meh” and you’re just kind of bummed and ready for bed and, honestly, a little bit ticked that he made you go through this whole ordeal to begin with.
I wrote my Boost Your Libido course to help women feel more excited about sex, and that course truly can do wonders for you! But one of the big points I make in it is that you can’t get excited about something that just plain isn’t fun. It’s like trying to lie to yourself. “Yes, I really want this!” But you don’t. Because there’s no reason to.
So let’s change that thinking! Just like I said in the course, let’s make sex for you, too!
Do you want to feel more excited about sex–but just can’t get there?
You can get there! I’ll show you how your mind and body both work to grow (or shrink) your libido, and I’ll have step-by-step exercises you can do now where you can start seeing immediate results!
Now, if you’re a guy reading this, please understand: Your wife’s pleasure matters, no matter what she says.
Your wife may say that it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t reach orgasm. Your wife may say that she’s fine and that she’s had a good time, and she may genuinely look like that. In fact, she may genuinely feel that. She may emotionally be fine with the idea that you’ve had a great time, and she’s felt close to you, and that’s all that really matters.
But that isn’t all that really matters.
She was created for more. And she will never be able to truly desire sex if it doesn’t feel that great for her.
Again, that does not mean that she has to reach orgasm every single time. Please don’t put that pressure on her, or on you. Sometimes our brains just won’t shut off, and our bodies just won’t cooperate.
But that should be the exception, not the rule. God intended her to experience sexual pleasure, and he gave you to her as your wife so that you would be the one to help her experience that. That’s your job! So if she’s shy, if she’s hesitant, if she’s feeling guilty for asking for something: let her know that this is what you want for her. And that you want to explore this together.
If you’re a woman reading this, hear this: You need to start expecting an orgasm.
I don’t mean that you start to criticize his performance, or that you have to reach an orgasm every time. But if he offers to try to make you feel good, don’t push him away and say you’re fine afterwards because you just want to get to sleep. If he wants to keep exploring, even after he’s satisfied, let him. If he wants to satisfy you first, and you’re feeling super awkward and you don’t like all that attention being on you at once–well, let’s find a way to get over that.
It’s not a healthy situation in a marriage to spend years making sex mostly for him, and denying the fact that you need something, too.
Need more help? Try these!
Finally Reaching Orgasm–a Breakthrough
If you’re already quite orgasmic in your sex life, and you’re just looking for more tips from this series, stay tuned!
If this isn’t a problem that you have, we’ll get to other things that can help you in the next few days and weeks, too. But this is the most fundamental mind shift that we need to make, right off the bat: You were intended to experience pleasure. A woman’s sexual pleasure should not always be secondary to his.
Until we understand that, then it will be fruitless mental gymnastics to try to get ourselves excited and enthusiastic about something that just plain isn’t that fun. I’m not asking women to lie to themselves or to think that something that isn’t satisfying is actually sizzling. If it’s not sizzling, it’s okay to admit that. What I am asking is that we start a mind shift where HE is not the standard in what we should experience, and our own needs actually matter. That’s how you get on the road to a satisfying sex life!
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge:
Tonight, bring her to orgasm without intercourse (even if she is normally orgasmic through intercourse). Let her be the focus of sexual pleasure. Of course, she can return the favour if she wants. But let her receive the gift of knowing that her pleasure matters, too!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Yessssssss! I think I’m going to really enjoy this series…July is looking better by the day!
Love your work, Sheila!
I’ve never understood why a guy would regularly want to have sex with a woman, and reach orgasm, but not care whether she climaxed or not. Occasionally, yes, for a quickie. But only occasionally. If I didn’t care about my woman’s pleasure, then how much do I love her?
I think most of the time, it’s the woman who’s her own worst enemy. I would venture to say that most men would oblige, but too many women (Christian women especially) don’t feel they have the right to climax most times during sex. I think much of this problem would be solved by women speaking up. It really floors me how women would deprive themselves of the ultimate physical pleasure in life. A man would not deprive himself of this. I believe repressive Christian tradition is to blame. Also, poor self-esteem of a lot of women.
This is a pretty easy fix. Thousands of years late.
Unfortunately many of us who grew up in the purity culture were never told that sex was for women too. We were told sex is something distasteful that we just have to put up with because he needs sex in order to feel loved and to help him not lust. This is a VERY difficult lesson to unlearn when it’s been taught to you your entire life. Women who do want more don’t speak up, because they were never taught their pleasure matters. Sex is just for him, and good Christian wives do their duty. No wonder sex falls by the wayside after a while! This is why Sheila’s message is so important! Women need to know that God cares deeply about his children’s sexual enjoyment, male or female! That women were even designed to potentially have MORE sexual pleasure than a lot of men, once that potential has been unlocked. But we are also told that our sexuality should be like a man’s, and women never realize just how different it is, so we think that when we respond differently or don’t feel that hunger for sex like men do, something is wrong with us and give up. So again, I don’t think it is that women are their own worst enemy; it’s that we’ve received a lot of MESSED up messages about sex (especially in the church) and it is time to change that!!
Amen!
@Kay, I was raised in a good Christian home, purity message and all, and my husband was the exact opposite of that, whatever it’s called. Very promiscuous background for himself, both his parents and (assuming rumors are true) grandparents. I grew up very sex-positive, only in marriage. My husband couldn’t care less about whether I orgasm.
It’s not a purity thing (though it’s easy to see the pitfalls there if you were raised in the church). It’s an attitude thing, and it’s not like secular people have this whole different set of attitudes and emotions. People are people.
You’d be surprised how much men push back and get extremely defensive when women speak up for their needs. I’d venture to say that many men think they’re God’s gift to women in bed, when in reality, they can learn to take a bit of direction. 😕
Perhaps it’s not that us men think we’re God’s gift to women, but instead we think women work the way we do and can’t understand then they don’t. I think most good men would welcome a lot of direction. Detailed, specific, graphic, in the moment direction. And then take it all as fun, when it works and when it doesn’t.
I think my interaction with my wife, from when I assumed I knew how it should work, has put her in the place where she’s fine without one most of the time. Now, I’d do anything to give her one if she would accept it. But now it’s a very rare thing, maybe once a month if the stars align. “It’s not worth the effort” appears to be the common explanation, but I’m willing to put in whatever effort is needed. I hope it’s not too late.
I think you’re right. I think in a lot of cases, men would like direction, but women feel very awkward giving it. That’s my post for tomorrow–how to help women get over this awkwardness!
Hi Shiela,
While you’re talking about this topic this month, it would probably be very helpful for some readers – reading the comments here – to better understand that when they see reluctance, indifference or even annoyance from their husbands when feedback is given or a wife asks for help getting there, it might be due his own disappointment or frustration with his inability to get his wife ‘there’.
We guys can be pretty complicated too. As you’ve said many times here on your blog, men can hang a long of their ego and self worth on sex. If it’s eating you up that you’re not able to orgasm, I’d say there’s a reasonably good chance that it’s done the same to him. One coping mechanism here is to shut off that pain – biologically, we apparently are able to compartmentalise things in our brains more effectively than women, probably the very thing that makes it mentally easier to achieve orgasm in the first place. The end result of this might look like he doesn’t care. It might be that he tried for so long and it hurt him so much that he gave up.
I’m not saying that doesn’t suck and that it shouldn’t change. But I’d hate to think that otherwise good, loving husbands who feel like a failure in this department are being assumed to not care about their wives. We’re not all purely dedicated to our own pleasure.
My advice would be to talk to him about it. Gently. It will be a hard topic for you to discuss, to be certain. But understand also that it might be both of you feeling like a failure. Both of you needing a confidence boost. And that you’ll only get there if you’re both able to let go of your baggage and dedicate the time or the effort to it.
Oh I’ve been extremely descriptive. As a confident woman who knows what she wants, it seems some men are intimidated by clear directions, or annoyed enough to audibly sigh as if I’m nagging him to do a chore. Why wouldn’t you communicate with your wife about her likes and dislikes instead of making assumptions? One can think they’re a rockstar in the bedroom, but the other partner may very well have a different opinion. Communication is key. Be willing to listen with an open heart.
Very true. I’m going to talk about this a lot this month–how we have to stop assuming that we know what each other likes, or that what we think is normal/good is therefore normal/good, and our spouse is the one who is wrong.
Yep! Mine believes that I should receive my pleasure from his pleasure. I should be happy that he finds me sexually desirable and climaxes in me. He likes me to climax because it enhances his climax, not for its own sake, or mine, and he is ok with me not climaxing even if I am not.
My climax must fall within his parameters. When it does, it is great. When it doesn’t, oh well.
That’s how my husband operates.
Plus, a woman’s orgasm takes more time. And women have to disengage from everything else they are thinking about to actually get to the point of orgasm. Do you know how difficult this is? I mean, I know it’s cliche and generalisation, but women often do have a ‘laundry list’ going through their minds when they are having sex. It actually takes effort to stop thinking of the dishes that need doing, the bad report card the kid got, that I still have to get meat out of the freezer for tomorrow’s dinner, do I need to book my car in for a service? Etc etc etc.
Most people don’t make the time available that a woman needs for an orgasmic sexual encounter (preaching to myself here), and that includes both men and women. Most women (secular and Christian) just don’t prioritise their own sexual pleasure, so it often just doesn’t happen. There are after all only so many hours in the day, and women are notorious for letting their needs be the last attended to in almost all departments (like a mother eating a lunch of leftovers from the kids plates).
I think that if husbands are actually serious about wanting their wives to reach orgasm, they need to be thinking about 5 steps ahead…like speaking your wife’s love language in the morning (and then throughout the whole day) is the best way to get her in the mood in the evening. If she feels like the housework is behind, do some chores! If she needs a break from the kids, take over the bedtime routine (or something along those lines). Talk about making some boundaries around tv and Internet time in the evenings. Basically free up her mental energy, physical time and make her feel emotionally secure so that she is in the very best frame of mind to enjoy herself sexually when that time is available. It is a shedload of work, but that is what it can take (especially early on, it gets easier with time).
Oh – and don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t always work (sometimes no matter how hard you try, it just isnt happening!), and especially don’t let her know you are disappointed, as then you are adding the ‘I have to orgasm so I don’t disappoint my husband’ pressure to a mind that needs as little stress and pressure as possible!
Man, I’m exhausted just after typing that comment, let alone actually doing all the things!
Wow, this is the first comment of your’s I have agreed with, Tom. You’re right. Men would NEVER put up with a woman having an orgasm every time while he was left hanging. Men have been taught since adolescence that women are here for their sexual satisfaction, and that they have a right to a woman’s body for their own pleasure, whether it’s through porn, or one night stands or FWB. Women, in turn, have been socialized to believe it is our obligation to provide sexual satisfaction, but not want, let alone demand, it in return. Sad. So glad to discover this blog, which places women’s needs on par with men’s, and without apology.
For the first few years of marriage, I didn’t orgasm every time. We would usually have a discussion ahead of time whether I wanted one, because that would change how we did things. Since I often wasn’t aroused ahead of time, I’d say that I was good without one. The problem was that a lot of times by the time we were done, I did want to, but felt it too late. After a few years of that, I decided that I wanted to orgasm every time and I wasn’t going to opt out anymore. It made a positive difference in our sex life.
Are you going to talk about how men can change their behaviour to help their wives feel more attracted and wanting to have sex with them, before they even begin in the bedroom? I know it shouldn’t just be about how we feel as there is a commitment that we’ve made to each other but some of the stuff Rebecca Watson talks about over at hightmarriage.com is relevant to this topic I think.
Yep! We’ll be covering that, too!
Oh my gosh, YES. I’ve come to realize that maybe I’m a freak of nature, but I’ve been married 31 years, and never had a problem being orgasmic…like, maybe it’ll fail to happen to happen once a year, and every time I read the story of some sex-starved guy, I can’t help but think, “Dude, maybe you’re just not that good at it?” Of course, every guy thinks they’re good at it…
I actually had a former youth group student come to me and terribly shamefacedly confessed that she thought she should see a doctor, because she thought maybe she had no nerve endings in her clitoris! I was horrified, and REALLY angry at her husband! And I told her she probably needed to try masturbating (yes, I did, and I’m not going to argue with anyone about it) to at least SEE what kind of touches were going to work to bring her to orgasm. We are raising Christian girls with absolute terror of their bodies.
And every time I read some some woman who says that they’ll have sex and are satisfied with the “closeness,” I think, “Well, I’m pretty darn sure HE wouldn’t be! Let’s flip that around a few times!”
Flipping that around: “Just-for-her evenings” are awesome, and the feeling of “closeness” they give is great, but, of course, if they were all that there is, that would be unbearably frustrating for me after some time.
I can imagine that the women stuck in endless “just-for-him evenings” series end up trying hard not to get too enthusiastic about sex, taking at as a duty, and dissociating from it more and more, until they end up hating it.
Welcome to my life. 5 years of lousy sex and a husband who can’t take direction in bed makes for a VERY frustrated woman. And he wonders why I don’t initiate sex–because I never get anything out of it. Ever. Meanwhile I’m reading all the books and advice columns, but there are limits of what will help when it’s only one sided. Makes me feel like there’s no point in marriage unless you want kids.
*This is not an attempt to hijack this thread
*This is not an attempt to minimize the struggles of women who feel like their pleasure is 2nd to his.
I am married to a fantastic godly woman who is far too good for me.
There is, however, a struggle in this area.
When my wife determines she needs intimacy we come together. It has always been my opinion that if she enjoys herself and is satisfied that that it will be better for the both of us and help her to want it more frequently. That having been said we always start with her. I will take care of her manually or orally, as many times as it takes until she is satisfied. The issue is what occurs after.
Most times we cuddle a little as she recovers then she rolls over and goes to sleep.
A couple times, it is “my turn” and she will make herself available and we will connect. The moisture that was present during manual simulation is usually diminished now, and lube isn’t something she likes used much, so PIV is usually more challenging. Her hips also tire quickly so I am constantly concerned that it doesn’t feel good for her and basically uncomfortable. Without actual feedback it’s difficult to know. So after a few minutes of trying and marginally not feeling good enough to finsh I’ll stop so she can rest. Usually things end there.
When we stop, my wife is typically saying that we can continue but once I back away, she starts mentioning her hips are tired/sore.
The last time we tried PIV (or where I was taken care of) was September last year, but have had several times where she was satisfied.
We are together when she has need for it. She doesn’t use hands or mouth on me. Other than to let me know what she wants, I’m basically not touched when we are together. Talking about intimacy is basically not discussed
I don’t feel loved or wanted. Recently I feel like a human vibrator, that is touched enough to turn on.
I’m so lonely.
What can I do.
* Sorry this really. wasn’t intended to be oh woe is me, or my wife is a terrible person or fishing for sympathy… I just don’t know what to do *
David,
I hope someone else will give you ideas on how to get your wife on the same page as you. I’m just going to offer a couple practical suggestions that you can try in the bedroom. The first is that maybe you can apply lube to yourself. If she likes to go more natural, coconut oil is great. My point here is you take the initiative and use the lube, and apply it to you instead of her. My other suggestion is to ask her to try another position that would be easier on her hips. Could she lie on her stomach with a pillow under her? Something like that may help the discomfort. I hope you get everything sorted out. 🙂
David, I’m also wondering about whether she can reach orgasm through intercourse? Like whether you can stimulate her so she’s ALMOST there, and then if she can learn to tilt her pelvis enough so that she gets clitoral stimulation during intercourse? It seems as if your sexual life is so separate–it’s her turn and then it’s your turn, and you’re not really getting a turn. I wonder if you could find a way to make intercourse pleasurable for her, too? I have some tips in my books The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex. But perhaps even talking to her about this?
David,
Nothing can replace talking to her about this. But I will try to make several wild guesses about what might be wrong.
Could it be she has some trauma from the past? Maybe from before you met?
Could it be that there is something in the past of your relationship that effects her this way?
Could it be that she thinks you are “taking care of your needs” alone, and this frustrates her and disinterests her from giving you pleasure? (problem I’ve had)
You really need to talk to your wife about this. There are so many things that could be going on that no one here in the comments can really help you out all that much. We can suggest stuff, but communication really is the key.
I just need to ask this question:
I’m now menopausal and haven’t had an orgasm in about 8 years.
Back when I was able to reach orgasm, mine were rather mild and subtle.
They were nice but, I never experienced that mind blowing, toe curling, knock your socks off pleasure everyone else seems to describe.
Just wondering if everyone but me always feels intense pleasure from orgasms?
Was I cheated somehow?
No, you aren’t alone in feeling that way. It varies a great deal from person to person. Some people can have really intense orgasms with relative ease, others have much milder ones, still others fall somewhere in the middle. Speaking for myself, I find orgasms are more than a little overrated, tbh. Others seem to enjoy them so much more than I do. I don’t get what’s so exciting about them, they’re always the same each time. Don’t people get bored with them? I mean, I do understand the appeal. They feel nice, give one a pleasant rush of feel-good hormones, help one to relax and go to sleep faster. All very nice, to be sure, but not enough warrant the reputation of being the ultimate physical pleasure. I can enjoy a hot cup of delicious herbal tea just as much and enjoy many of the same benefits, so orgasms really aren’t that big a deal to me.
Yes, I realize this is one of my more controversial opinions, but before anyone starts on me, you should know that this isn’t up for debate. If having an orgasm is the ultimate pleasure for you, that’s great, I’m happy for you. And I won’t debate you on it, either; if you say that it’s the best thing ever for you, then I’ll believe you. But I am not you, I am me. My experience with orgasms is different, for me they’re nice enough but ultimately kinda dull. And that’s OK. It’s not as if I get no pleasure out of life, on the contrary, many things in life give me great pleasure. I’ve not been cheated in this, I am incredibly blessed, in oh so many ways!
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Blair. I’m sure it’s something many women share!
Yep! Some men do too, although it’s less common. I feel like people would mind it less if there wasn’t so much outside pressure telling us that we HAVE to LOVE having sex and orgasms, and that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t. Makes us feel broken inside, when we aren’t. Being this way is slightly uncommon, but it’s not abnormal. I’ve accepted myself the way I am and am content, but so many do not, simply because they aren’t aware that that’s an option, and keep trying to fix what was never broken.
Thanks for writing this series, btw. It’s not going to benefit me much personally, but I can already tell it’s going to be really good, and benefit many others. At any rate, it’s still interesting reading for me, if nothing else. You’re doing good work. Keep it up!
Blair…thank you for the support. It’s bad enough wondering if you’re off kilter but to think you might be the only one who feels the way you do makes you feel completely abnormal. Nice to know I’m not alone in my feelings.
I think I’ll go enjoy a hot cup of tea.
Many Thanks.
Hey, no problem. It’s easy to feel that way sometimes, so I definitely understand how you feel. You’re right, it is nice to know one isn’t alone. 🙂
I think part of the problem might be that people like us are just less vocal about it (as we generally don’t have much to contribute to conversations about sex), which creates the illusion that there are fewer of us than there really are. And that just makes the feelings of isolation worse, and makes one even less likely to want to talk about it. It’s a viscous cycle that just goes on and on, until someone actually breaks the silence by speaking up.
So thank you, for being someone who speaks up, even anonymously. It means a lot.
Sheila,
I truly thank the Lord for a website such as yours! Reading the truths you have shared on here has truly changed our marriage for the better. I know I had stumbled across it a few years back, but I didn’t really take it to heart, this time around( last month) some changes needed to happen in our marriage and it’s starting to look brighter!
I’ve been married to my sweetie for 11 years and when we got married, we were both very young and niave. I wasn’t told a whole lot going into marriage and me being very shy, i truly didn’t understand what i needed to orgasm. I thought it should come through intercourse and when it wasn’t, i thought i was indeed broken. Pretty soon we had babies( 4 in 4 years) and I pretty much gave up trying for me to have pleasure and just settled that i just had to enjoy what i could. I didn’t fully understand that i needed my clitorus stimulated or that oral could help. Plus i didn’t think i even liked it, on the few times my husband tried. It was getting to the point where i didn’t even like sex anymore and was telling him no more and more. I knew it was a problem that was left unspoken between us, but i was so discouraged that i just ignored the problem. Well, one day i saw your blog again and it sparked something in me , that I was hurting my husband and perhaps God truly did design sex for me too! I started by trying out new suggestions you posted, new positions, new things just in general. I felt like i was open to anything now and it all started in my heart. I truly know God did a work in me, that He is changing how I view sex. Truly believing that It’s for me too and He designed it for us to learn together. I love how you said that He made one of us to slow the whole Love making process down and it’s a perfect design. So all these heart changes and letting go of Lies about sex just started happening in May and I feel like we’ve talked about sex so much more openly and that has done wonders in our relationship. I’ve really tried to just stop worrying about how long it’s taking and to not worry if “his hand is tired?”
“does he want to finish now?” He never complains, it’s truly all been in my head.
I’ve had four times where I’ve ejaculated due to oral and at first I wasn’t sure that it was the real thing, because honestly it wasn’t a “knock-your sock off” kind of thing but my body was definitely reacting and I think they were orgasms even though weak. I have had the feeling of waves building a few times and i thought i was going to go, but it stopped for whatever reason and I couldn’t quite go over the edge. ( probably because I was thinking about it too much)
Anyways, my question was, ( after reading the post about the woman who said” Don’t stop until you get there” I love that!) How long do I try for in an evening? Like my husband is really sweet, he won’t ever tell me to quit or he won’t tell me he’s tired, but after too long, I do start to think about his fatigue. If I get aroused and then think it’s coming and I start to feel something good, and then it stops, does that mean it’s over for that time? Or should I try to find it again? I don’t know if I’m making any sense. I’m just battling discouragement all over again. I still long for that ” take your breath away feeling” that I know i’m missing.
Hi Laura! I’m so glad that I could help you and that you haven’t given up! That’s great.
One thing I would do is to check your hormones and your timing. It’s much easier to reach climax in the time between your period and ovulation than it is after ovulation. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try after ovulation, but if you’re having trouble, it may be good to pick a time right before ovulation where your body is more likely to respond!
I’d also really recommend you guide his hand, or even hold his finger or something. That way you can adjust the pressure, timing, etc for what you’re feeling. And he’ll get used to what feels good for you. It may just be that he isn’t doing it just right, and that can be frustrating. If you take some control, you may find that some things really do feel good!
As for it growing and then stopping, I would just push through. Even if it was a mini-orgasm, women are capable of multiple ones. And if you haven’t felt the really big one yet, keep trying!
Sheila,
Thank you for the encouragement! I have been using my finger while he has a finger inside me and I have felt close just not there yet. It’s strange , I’ll feel really good with us using our hands down there and him stimulating my breasts and then when the feeling stops , my breasts don’t want to be touched It feels like so much tweaking has to be done , that I don’t always like telling him what was working has now changed
I am getting better at speaking up , which is huge for me! All in all I’m thanking God that much has changed in our sex life in the past two months than our whole marriage. I admit not long ago I really was depressed and felt like it was too late for me I felt too old ( I’m 31) and worried that by the time I figure this out , I would be at the menopause doorstep and what if he had problems by then too? I was a mess. I’m more at peace than I was , which is good but I was regretting those lost years where we didn’t try hard enough or ask for help sooner. Oh how the enemy loves to make us feel that all is lost
All is not lost! 🙂 31 is still young! And menopause can still be wonderful, too, especially if you’ve spent this long really getting to know your body. You’ll be able to do it again!
Try clinching your but cheeks and rocking your pelvis. Or focusing intensely on your pelvic floor muscles. And, for some women, the power of words/sound shouldn’t be underrated. Make some noise. 😉
I’ve been trying to learn to except they way things are are just not going to change. My husband isn’t that interested in sex and I have a high drive. After all the Family Life marriage weekends and DVDs, he at least understands that it is VERY important to me, so he tries to offer once a week. That was a win for me since it was about once a month. I guess I also have to be thankful for the fact that he is goal driven, so a typical evening is a wam, bam, thank you mam, but when he is done, he sticks with it by making sure I reach orgasm. At the last marriage weekend we went to at the beginning of the summer, I really laid it out saying, I try to create romance with massages , baths, candles and that I was so sad that he never does things like that for me. He was extremely honest and said “I’m just not into doing that”. We have explored all the reasons why. There is no porn, affairs, or testosterone issues, just an upbringing that didn’t put any emphases on it. I will admit, I can see why women stray from their marriage especially if they think for the next 40 years it won’t get any better. I’m relying on my relationship with God to help me be happy with where we are. He is a great provider and good Christian that is loyal to no end. He is doing the Lord’s work with the talents that God has given him, so it could definitely be a worse situation. Ok, enough complaining and feeling sorry for myself. God is good and I am thankful for my blessings.
Most women wouldn’t know what an orgasm is if it sat on their face.
When you yourself don’t know how your body works and you expect a man to make miracles, you are on the wrong track.
Example here . I always performed oral to the paint where she had an orgasm. Only then would I enter.
Over years she kept losing interest and I finally gave up on it . Because who want to please if it’s not wanted.
Enter kid #1. 4 years ago.
These days if she asks, or offers sex, I politely decline. Or if we do have sex I have ZERO interest in doing anything fun. I finish up in 2-3 minutes and go back to playing poker .
She will probably come around and will wonder what’s wrong as years go by. But the candle is out and my interests are somewhere else.
Hi John,
I’m sorry that you’ve had this experience in your marriage, but if you don’t mind me saying something–you sound really bitter. Now, I know that you’ve been really hurt, and it’s understandable to be bitter. But the thing is that being bitter just won’t help your marriage. It will only make it worse. Yes, you may make her pay one day, but is that really what you want? Don’t you want to feel close and have fun together?
It may seem that that’s impossible, but if you pursue a friendship with her so that tensions go down, and then have some honest conversations about what you want out of life–“don’t we want to feel real passion? Don’t you feel like we’re missing something?”–you may be able to get on the same page again.
I did write a post recently on the dynamic that frequently happens when a guy always initiates, gets turned down, and then stops initiating and stops saying yes when the wife starts initiating. It sounds like that may be what you’re going through right now. Perhaps that may be a good one to show to your wife to explain how you’re feeling? But when you’re calm, not when you’re angry! Because the goal really should be to rebuild, not to tear down, or everyone will be miserable (including your kids).
Thank you Sheila.
For now I am concentrating on being the best father I can be to our little girl.
Since the other one is still in the oven, I’ll keep quiet till things normalize in a year or two.
John, I can almost guarantee you that keeping quiet will leave you vulnerable to someone who will be able to see your situation and move in (if that hasn’t happened already). Women are starving for relationship and many don’t care if you’re already married. Don’t keep quiet. Show her she’s worth fighting for by communicating with her. Give her the opportunity to connect, or she will become vulnerable to someone else as well.
When I ask the question, “don’t we want to experience real passion?”, The answer is, “It’s just not important to me”. Or “I don’t need orgasms to feel connected” and as a result she doesn’t have orgasms.
Good post, but I still don’t want sex even when I orgasm. Orgasms don’t provide any benefit to me, so why go through the trouble? It truly is only for him, so he can’t say to his friends “We only had sex once this month.” At least I’m trying to make it to twice. After a lot of crying and fighting.
I’ve said this before – but I want to point out that the woman in the comments talking about how much she orgasms is yet again the woman who talked about choosing to masturbate before marriage. I also want to note that I was told in youth group not to masturbate because if you do that your husband will feel bad that you have to teach him what to do. No wonder some of the men mentioned in here can’t take any direction from their wives. And no wonder women can’t orgasm from the beginning because they don’t know their own bodies. In the next survey I would love it if somebody could ask questions about the correlation between women masturbating before marriage and a good orgasmic sex life from the beginning. I’m betting the correlation is pretty dang strong because when you know your own body, you EXPECT that sex is about your pleasure, and you already know how to get there. I honestly believe changing the Christian conversation around women masturbating is a significant part of changing this dynamic for women’s sex lives.
This is an interesting comment. I grew up believing that masturbating was wrong but had a strong sex drive and “fell” at times as a single woman. When we were engaged, my husband and I both read Sheila’s “Good Girls Guide” book and discussed it together. He knew about my struggle with my sexuality & at one point asked if I was able to orgasm. I think he was relieved when I said I was. 🙈 He had learned from the book that not all women did. Since we’re married, I’ve been orgasmic from day one. I’ve been rethinking the whole subject of masturbation and wondering whether it’s wrong for singles if it is truly separate from fantasy & lust – simply a release of sexual desire. In my studies, I can’t find that the Bible speaks against masturbating in this context. 🤷
All of the people I know who were orgasmic from day one chose to masturbate before marriage. Because you know what helps women have orgasms with their husbands? Knowing how to have an orgasm. Shocking, I know. 🤷♀️😎 The Bible is silent on masturbation, so it is strange to me that there is such strong teaching against it – particularly for women who have no refractory period. So even if a woman chose to masturbate IN a marriage, it would not at any point biologically prevent intimacy with her husband. I’m against any sexual activity that detracts from intimacy in my marriage – but choosing to masturbate was in my opinion the single best contributor to intimacy with my husband. I still want to see research on this – but anecdotally the vast majority of women I have spoken to who masturbated before marriage have been grateful they did, felt it helped their marital intimacy, and only regretted the shame they felt around it.
I always try to make sure she has an orgasm every time but last night we had sex for one hour straight and she was almost there but never did and that makes me feel like im not doing something right.
What if your friends never talked about sex after they got married? You don’t pressure them if they don’t mention anything so you don’t ask, don’t know. You’re too shy to buy a book on that subject. Then you get married and just assume women are similar to men because the only information you have comes from him. Who wouldn’t feel broken if you don’t get aroused as easy, or orgasm as quickly or appear to enjoy it as much as him? And he’s confused that you don’t arouse as easy or orgasm as quickly or appear to enjoy it as much as him. This goes on for years until a stray comment is made to spark an interest in researching the subject.