If you want great sex, then you simply have to let yourself be vulnerable.
It’s the start of our second week of the Sizzling Summer Sex Series, and last week one of the big things I was addressing was how to find real passion. The answer? We need vulnerability. It’s the key to women’s sexual response, too.
This week we’re going to be looking at how to spice things up, and why sex sometimes gets boring. But before we can spice things up, we have to deal with one more thing. We have to let go of our control freak tendencies.
I spend a lot of my time on the road in our RV giving my Girl Talk to churches–a hilarious, fun night where I share God’s threefold design for sex (emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy), and then talk about how to get there. And inevitably I get people crying, too, because I share some personal stuff we all can relate to. (It really is a great evening that’s super seeker-friendly, and I’m booking for the next season now! Email my assistant Tammy about how you can bring it to your church or women’s group).
This year, after one such event, I was talking with some of the organizers, who were all pumped up about how well the evening had been received. “People totally need to talk about this stuff!” one woman said. But then one of the organizers managed to get me alone, as I was clearing off my table, and said that she had a question to ask.
She desperately loved her husband. She loved her family. She loved God. But her libido had just disappeared.
No matter what she did, she just couldn’t relax during sex or get any kind of desire for it. And she was so sad about this, because it wasn’t what she wanted–for her or for her husband. What was she supposed to do?
As she told me her story, inwardly I started to panic a bit. There wasn’t anything obviously wrong. Then I had a real God moment. I just said, “Are you a control freak? Like do you have trouble being vulnerable and letting people help you?”
I knew that came from God, because as soon as I said it she burst into tears. “Oh, my goodness, I totally am! I have to be in control all the time, and I hate that about me.” And then I told her that this was the root of her problem.
If we are trying to be in control, then sex will never, ever be great.
And we won’t desire it, either, because sex, at its essence, is the opposite of control. You have to be willing to let yourself go in order for sex to feel good. In fact, God specifically designed it that way so that we would totally be vulnerable with our spouses, forming a bond that we would get with no one else.
So if you have very little libido, if you are reluctant to try new things, if you have a hard time getting aroused or reaching orgasm, then maybe you need to ask yourself: “Do I need to be in control all the time?” Because that may be the heart of the problem.
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I talk about the different aspects to libido (our thoughts, our feelings, our schedules, even our hormones!) and how all of those work together to either make or break a sex life.
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Want Great Sex? You Need to Let Go of Control
What does it mean to be in control? It means that you have full control of all of your thoughts. You know what’s happening. You’re aware of your surroundings. You’re standing on guard. Nothing will take you by surprise.
But sex doesn’t work well that way. For you to actually enjoy yourself, you have to be able to stop concentrating on what’s going on and just start FEELING. Sex is about FEELING, not so much about THINKING. If you overthink things, sex won’t work well.
Often one of the biggest roadblocks to actually reaching orgasm, for instance, is that we’re so worried about it. In order to really achieve an orgasm (as I talked about in my post on orgasm, and as I go into much more depth, with more tips, in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex), you have to just let the waves take over you. If you’re constantly thinking, “am I there yet? Will I? Will it happen?”, it won’t. The waves can’t take over if you’re thinking too much.
So great sex means you need to turn off the constant dialogue in your head. And that’s hard.
Great Sex Means You Aren’t Really, Well, Proper
A proper woman is someone who is fully buttoned up, with the tea kettle on, not a hair out of place, and very gentle speech.
Great sex is the opposite of all of that. You can’t be worried about what you look like, or what you sound like, or even what you’re doing if you’re going to be able to enjoy yourself.
Why is that we try so hard to be proper in our everyday life? We care what others think of us. So it’s as if we’re walking around outside of ourselves, watching ourselves, making sure we’re doing everything right. We train ourselves to be conscious of our every move.
Great sex means throwing caution to the wind and letting yourself be primitive, not proper. This isn’t, by the way, because there’s anything “improper” with sex in marriage; on the contrary, God created us so that our most basic and instinctual need to be connected to another human being mimics the deep need we have for intimacy with God. And that intimacy isn’t quite proper, either.
Remember how in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe the Beavers are trying to explain Aslan to the children, and they keep saying, “he’s not a tame lion, you know.” That’s what sex is like. It isn’t tame. It isn’t something you can put a lid on and keep it unmessy and organized. It spills over. It revels. It even screams.
Good Sex Requires Trust
The opposite of control is trust. When we’re in control, we have no need to trust anyone. We’re safe. We’ve got everything under our fingers.
But in order to really enjoy sex you have to be able to trust the other person. What makes sex stupendous is that feeling as if you’re truly one. That feeling of spiritual intimacy feeds the feelings of physical pleasure and makes the latter so much stronger. But you can’t feel like you’re one if you’re in control of everything you do, and he’s in control of everything he does, and you just move together in bed. That’s two people, not one person.
When you trust, though, you can become “improper”. You can really let yourself feel and you can turn your mind off just a little bit. You can stop worrying about what he thinks, or whether he really loves you. You know you’re able to trust (if you can’t trust him because of porn, or because of adultery, that’s such a tough place to be. Before you can truly rebuild your sex life, you likely have to rebuild trust). If you can’t trust him or you’re always worried about what he’s thinking, then it will be very hard to ask him to bring you pleasure, too!
Good Sex Requires Embracing Your Sexual Side
Sex and feeling in control are really polar opposites. Someone in control is ruled by their thoughts, while someone enjoying sex is giving in to feelings. And what are those feelings? They’re sexual.
That’s scary to a lot of people, because it feels shameful. But there is absolutely nothing shameful about making love to your husband.
And there is nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed in the moment and screaming. There’s nothing wrong with desperately wanting to touch something–or to be touched. There’s nothing wrong with feeling like you’re on fire.
But when we grow up feeling that these things are wrong–that only “bad girls” feel that way–then when we start to have those feelings we often work hard to turn them off.
A great sex life means that you give in to those feelings. You embrace your sexual side. You realize that this is who you were made to be–with your husband. And this is a good thing! You can fuel those feelings with some texts to him during the day, or some nibbles on his ear after dinner, or whispers to him. You can flirt. You can tease him. You can even initiate sex!
Good Sex Means You’re Naked
Finally, here’s the hardest one for some of us control freaks: good sex means you’re naked. You can’t hide. He sees all of you–and he still accepts you and wants you.
So often it’s we who hate our bodies, not our husbands (if your husband has put your body down, read this post). If you can let yourself see yourself as your husband does–full of desire and acceptance–that can be intoxicating.
If you sum all of this up, isn’t this what we truly want? We don’t have to worry about what other people thinking. We don’t want to worry about our performance. We don’t want to feel ashamed. We don’t want to feel judged. We want to be able to turn off these constant voices and accusations in our heads, and just relax and enjoy in the moment. We want to feel one. We want to feel connected.
These are all truly beautiful things, and they are a gift from God for marriage. You really can have them. It just means giving up control.
Can you do it? Your sex life will never be the same.
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 6:
Today’s is a doozy! I challenge you to give up control.
Set the timer for 15 minutes (or 10 minutes if you just can’t take that long) and lie perfectly still. Allow your husband to touch you or try to please you. Just don’t move!
Force yourself to just experience, rather than feeling as if you need to perform. And see what happens!
See all the Sizzling Summer Sex Series posts here.
What do you think? Do you have trouble being vulnerable or feeling out of control in the bedroom? Let me know in the comments! (Or just tell me something general about how this series is going for you! 🙂 )
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Great post as always!!!!
The naked thing is tough for me. Not because I’m hiding my body….because I have to have a cold room to sleep. So it’s cold when we go to bed. Lol
Invest in some beautiful robes to wear. Wear them open in the front. Hubby gets a great view, but your backside stays warm.
🙂
Oh, I totally hear you! I’m a Canuck, after all. I often say to my husband, “If you want to turn the heat up in the bedroom, you may actually want to TURN THE HEAT UP.” 🙂
Maybe you already know this. One day Sheila. I would like to tell you how what you write so applies opposite yet straight foward to sex addiction issues. Some days I read this stuff and go holy man does that feed into it. It is so striking to me. I could give you a 15 min disertation on this paragraph and it would end up being an hour long discussion.
Example. Sex and feeling in control are really polar opposites. Someone in control is ruled by their thoughts, while someone enjoying sex is giving in to feelings. And what are those feelings? They’re sexual.
That’s scary to a lot of people, because it feels shameful.
Can you see how this applies to the guy who reads porn? If you move the word control and switch up feelings and thoughts you have a person who is confused. That is what porn/sex problems did to me. I know this is not on topic. Sorry. Hope some folks take your suggestion tonight. Thanks for the insight
You’re welcome, Phil!
I’ve been reading all your articles and I’m at that point that I just hate sex. I don’t want to do it anymore. My husband is obsessed with it and I don’t know what to do. I get tired of it ruling my life.
I’m sorry, Stacy. I know how frustrating that must be. I was there, too, early in my marriage! I really didn’t like it, and Keith wanted it all the time, and it was the biggest thing we fought about.
But you know what? It can’t ruin your life unless you decide to let it. And I guess I’d ask you this: if sex is supposed to be so wonderful, don’t you want to experience that for yourself? Because you don’t want to miss out on something so great, you really don’t. And you really do need intimacy. Life is too lonely without it. What if you could change the way you thought about sex and honestly could get excited about it? Could you see how that could change your marriage? And it really is possible–I changed, and so many women on this blog have, too! Just don’t give up. And check out my Boost Your Libido course if you want some in-depth help in seeing sex in a positive way!
Sheila,
I’ve been wondering about Stacy’s situation all night.
I too, at one point, started to hate sex and would have loved for it to slip off the radar screen. That was years ago. I had a very hard time just getting back into making sex a priority without becoming resentful and/or falling into an aversion.
Anyway, not knowing how to enjoy sex. Not knowing the steps to take. Not knowing my own body and how it could respond and then coupling that with a sexually eager, no holds barred, get to have as much sex as I want now that I’m married kind of guy, was a complete disaster!!!!
My point is, some men are so sexually eager and driven, they don’t give their wife the time or space to figure things out. She never gets the chance to even feel her own libido.
I wonder if, at times, the husband’s over boisterous sexual enthusiasm ends up clipping his wife’s wings before she learns to fly?
She can only change if her husband is willing to give her the time and space to do so.
Husbands need your message too.
I love that! So true. Keith and I are thinking of creating a course together for husbands, and that’s definitely a message we’ll be sharing!
A more “beginner” form of the exercise this article suggests can be a “non-sexual” full body massage for muscle relaxation and oiling dry skin. This allows the wife not to worry about the fact that sex will follow while still building some intimacy, it allows her to be a bit more exposed without necessarily being completely naked, allows her to be a bit vulnerable, but not too much since she can say which way the massage should go.
I’ve looked real hard for it, but I just don’t seem to have a sexual side. At all. Not even as a teenager, when my hormones were going crazy and my sex drive should logically have been at it’s highest; the interest just isn’t there. Not even any fantasies!
Good thing I’m single, or this would actually be a problem, lol. As it is, it ain’t a problem. 🙂
Blair, without knowing you or your background, chances are you just need a man with the right skills and determination to turn you on. Sadly, as Sheila frequently points out, most women AND men go into marriage in the dark about sex. Men are largely ignorant about the fact that they must take the initiative to turn a woman on. They have been taught through pornography that women will randomly strip in front of them and want sex. This is what they expect. Many never figure out they got it wrong, even after many years of marriage. The wife just accepts her lot. She doesn’t know any better.
Hmmm . . . no thanks, I’m good. 🙂
Your advice is very, very good advice for most people, so thank you offering it. It was most kind of you. However, when I say the interest isn’t there, I mean it. I’m old enough to know this about myself with certainty. Not only am I disinterested in having sex with others, I’m also disinterested in having any kind of romantic relationship with others as well. So really, there isn’t much point for me to go to any trouble to try and find Mr. Right, on the off-chance that he might have just the right skill set and level of determination to conjure a desire in me that doesn’t exist out of thin air.
I mean, why? Why go to all that effort, for something I don’t feel the lack of? It’d be one thing if I was actually lonely, and actually desired that sort of relationship, but I’m not, and I don’t. Have you heard of the “gift of singleness?” It’s rare, but I have it. I’m pretty sure I do, anyway. Being single has always come so naturally and easily for me, in a way that it doesn’t for others. I see others who really struggle with being single, it’s SO hard for them. They pine away for that kind of love, they yearn for it. I do not. I never have.
So, I think it’s safe to say that I know what I’m talking about here. But thanks again for the advice, I do appreciate it, and that you were trying to help. It means a lot. Hopefully, it will be useful advice to many of the other comment readers here! 🙂
You are seriously challenging me this month, Sheila! Be vulnerable? Let go of control? Trust? Argh!!!
I do know it is what I am needing though, I spend too much time acting like life is a well trained horse, a and if I make sure my hands and feet and seat are all doing the right things, I can steer it where I want to go, how fast I want to get there. But life is more like a very green broken horse, and I am more like a beginner rider – the only way that combo is going to work is under the very close supervision and instruction of a master trainer (that would be God). I feel like once I am able to fully trust in God, that is when all other control/trust/vulnerability issues will disappear.
What you said about caring what others think (and living in fear of being judged by them) is spot on. We *should* only care about what God thinks about us, and that will leave us able to be more vulnerable with others.
I am wrestling so hard with this one though, giving up control and not overthinking things is so hard! But this is a burden that Jesus wants me to lay at the foot of the cross, so I must keep wrestling my flesh until it is finished with! I can certainly understand Paul when he said that the things he wants to do he does not do, and the things he doesn’t want to do, he does (paraphrase Romans 7:15)
Thanks, Sheila, for continuing to be the iron sharpening my iron!
Isn’t it interesting that the way that God made sex actually helps us in our spiritual walk, too? I think it’s actually really cool that, even though it’s complicated, it all works together so that when sex is great, we’re also being refined so that we can serve God better.
I know it’s a tough road, but you can do it! I’m glad the series is helping you!
This hit home for me. I’ve always been a control freak. I suppose it has to do with the fact that I was the oldest sibling in an alcoholic single parent home. If I didn’t take control, who would?
Maybe that’s why sex has never been that great for me.
I just don’t know how to “feel” it.
Sexual feelings are a mystery to me.
I’ve never felt shame, I’ve just never felt sexual. And throwing caution to the wind is the epitome of not being in control.
It’s funny, there have been a couple of times where I kind of “let go” and somewhat enjoyed sex. My husband wanted for me to tell him what he did so that he could do it again. Sorry to say, it had nothing to do with him. It was my mental state of mind that I’ve had trouble being able to replicate.
I’m in my 60’s now. It’s too late for me to rewrite my script. It probably would have taken years of therapy anyway. Control is my MO. I only wish I had been told that enjoying sex didn’t come naturally. It takes work and troubleshooting. I’ve always accepted that sex is just ok. Not as great as everyone says.
It’s part of the marriage contract. If I had known it wasn’t automatically enjoyable, I probably wouldn’t have felt so guilty.
I wonder how many women are just going through the motions year after year because they don’t know any better?
This is an important series. Especially for newlyweds.
It’s critical for women to know it can be better.
Thank you Sheila.
Anonymous, I’m so sorry that sex has never been great for you. I think a lot of women are going through the motions. But it’s not necessarily too late! You may still mourn the years ou lost, but you can learn more now.
And no, it certainly isn’t automatic. It does take work for many women. It’s too bad we don’t teach women that. I think it must be a huge shock for many when they marry.
I’m a woman with a much higher sex drive than my husband, and I hate it. It makes me feel ugly and worthless. As you know, these aren’t many resources for people in my situation, so I read the Christian marriage resources I can find, even though they are mostly geared towards the more common, lower drive wife who’s husband is interested in her.
I am incredibly envious of wives with a lower drive than their husband. At times, LD wives have commented that they are envious of HD wives. Don’t be!! It is an awful, ugly place to be stuck in. I wish I could help all LD wives really how blessed they are that their husbands love them so much, are attracted to them, and desire them.
That being said, as I read this post, I started to wonder if the same could go for men, too. I wonder if my husband’s low drive could have anything to do with him being a controlling person. As a construction superintendent, he has to be in control all day. The trouble is, he can’t seem to let go of it, even after he comes home.
His libido is quite low. i really struggle with putting the blame on myself and wondering what I could do differently or change about myself physically so that he might behave more like a husband who desires sex with his wife regularly.
As I was reading this I wondered, why can’t there be a resource for low libido men? Everyone wants to tell me that 15% or so of marriages have a wife with a higher drive. But you never see any books or blogs for men on these topics. Why isn’t there a man with a blog who encourages other men to increase their libido? Why aren’t men seeking help for these issues? My guess is that men (perhaps my husband included) just aren’t as interested in pleasing their wives or caring about their wives happiness as most women care about their husbands.
It makes me so sad.
Hi B,
That is so hard! And I do think that HD wives have it harder than LD wives for sure. I also think it’s closer to 25% than 15%!
I think the reason there aren’t more blogs like that is that men, in general, don’t read them and don’t tend to seek out help in the same way, which is certainly sad.
I do think that the control issue could also apply to men. I also think that super passive men find passion difficult–both spectrums find it strange to feel passion. And that can certainly lead to a lower libido. I do hope that your husband will talk about this or examine how it got this way, because he really shouldn’t be willing to miss out on something so great that God made!
Thank you, Sheila, for understanding! I do wish my husband cared more and would seek help. I think he just doesn’t think there’s a problem, because he gets upset that I seek answers by reading marriage resources.
You said: ” I do hope that your husband will talk about this or examine how it got this way, because he really shouldn’t be willing to miss out on something so great that God made!”
That’s what I can’t understand, his willingness to miss out. This leads me to believe he doesn’t feel I’m worth trying. I mean, how many men would be sad to have a wife with a high sex drive? Not many! Unless they found her unattractive or unworthy of their affections.
Your point about no blogs for men because many men wouldn’t read them makes sense. I wish my husband, if he really loved me – which he says he does, would make an effort to increase his sex drive. I wish he’d at least show that he cared about my pain, instead of getting upset when I ask what the issues are.
B, do you seriously think a man is going to read a blog about low libido husbands?
You must know how big of a deal our culture makes about a man’s sex drive and his manliness. How do you think having a low drive makes a man feel about himself? Pretty safe to say it makes him feel like a failure, not manly, not worthy, a freak of nature etc. Pair that with the constant indoctrination of; men don’t cry, men don’t share emotions, men don’t talk about personal things, emotions are girly, men handle their own problems and what have you got? Probably a whole lot of shame and buried negative emotions. So the expected response would be avoidance. If your condition is both painful and shameful, what choice do you have but self-preservation and avoidance? – expressed mostly as grumpiness and withdrawal.
Given how hard it is for most men to seek help in even the most mundane area, it would take supernatural effort for such a man to actually seek out advice/ help about low libido.
I guess you have a point. And my husband is indeed A very “manly” man who never asks for help. So I guess this may be my lot in life. I’ve been struggling with it for several years now, and it only improves when I try to forget about it and occupy my time with more productive things.
I guess this is where I need to give up control. I can’t control how he feels about me. I can’t control his sex drive or lack thereof. All I can do is pray and try to stop beating myself up.
Why not? It’s not a dumb idea. I would think all those factors would make it MORE likely for a man to want to seek out resources to help with his issue of low libido. If a man’s sex drive if directly correlated to his level of manliness, then I would think there would be a high demand for such a blog, not just from low drive guys but also mid drive and even high drive guys. When it comes to their manliness, men aren’t exactly known for moderation. Even guys who DON’T need to compensate for a perceived lack manliness, still have a tendency to overcompensate, I’ve noticed. More is more, and bigger is always better, right? Then you add in the fact that a blog space provides a certain level of anonymity, so it would be a lot less embarrassing for guys to talk about it together than it would be for them in person. Sounds like a perfect recipe for a very successful blog!
Sheila, GREAT article. Thank you for your ministry. My wife (of 40 years) + I have wrestled with a lot of what you write about. She was the oldest in a home where the dad (a minister) was both a victim of abuse, and who abused her younger brothers – so control vs vulnerability and trust started out hard for us; and then I hurt her too.
At one point you wrote, “A great sex life means that you give in to those feelings. You embrace your sexual side. ” What struck me in that sentence is the difference between ‘giving in’ and ’embracing.’ To me, ‘giving in’ suggests reluctance, doing something against your best interest. And ’embracing’ suggests enthusiasm and anticipation.
Another word contrast that strikes me is the difference between ‘needing to work’ on yourself + your marriage + your relationship, vs ‘wanting to invest’ in it. Work suggests something you do cuz you have to, investing suggests something you do cuz you know it’s worthwhile even tho you know the upside is likely later than the time + energy + thought you put into it.
I don’t mean to get too microscopic on the words, but as you often say, so much of great love-making goes on in your head. And I also would like to offer my wife + my journey as witness + testimony that God’s plan is good, and that it DOES take time, commitment, and investment. And also that what happens over a lifetime pursuing God’s plan together can be truly amazing and beautiful – as you so often and so rightly point out.
Praying blessings over each person and couple seeking God + His plan together, or even (especially!) if it’s just one in a couple for a season; and over your ongoing ministry. It sure looks like Kingdom work … no, investment! … to me.
I couldn’t help but think of this article in relation to your recent article about masturbation. You talk about letting go of control in order to have great and fulfilling sex with your spouse (which I totally agree with!) , but I don’t see how masturbation fits into letting go of control since taking your pleasure into your own hands is the very essence of taking the control of your body’s pleasure out of the hands of your spouse. This is taking control back, not letting go of it. Placing yourself and your pleasure totally into the hands of your spouse is the essence of submitting to one another. Masturbation is not an act of submission. I also think the concept of touching yourself to “teach your spouse” how to touch you also contradicts letting go of control. And I’m not talking about asking him to touch a certain area or go back to a certain spot. I just think masturbation is the total opposite of submission to your spouse. That is why I really don’t believe God intended it to be a part of marital sex or our lives at all.
I know what you’re saying, Samantha (and just to clarify, I said that it could be a part of foreplay, not that people should be masturbating away from their spouse). I actually do think it relates to letting go of control, because so many of us are so self-conscious all the time that we’re afraid to be vulnerable. This is actually very vulnerable, and can help people relax. Again, I’m not saying you have to do it. Just for some people being able to see their spouse is very freeing.
This is so true and it took me 30 years to realize it! Over the last month I have let go and not worried about how I looked, what came out of my mouth, explored new things, touched my husband in places I never could before, and got naked (well mostly, I still tend to wear panties) – every night. Our sex life has gone from good to amazing. I desire my husband constantly, and we have had sex everyday, sometimes twice a day over this past month (minus a few for me during my monthly – which can’t stop soon enough – lol but I tried to pleasure him when he wanted me to). I think about him through out the day, send him flirty texts while he is at work and look forward to his coming home so we can go to bed together. He wonders what alien has taken over his wife. I am happy, content, and loving my husband like I have never loved him before. Now if my children would just move out so I can greet him at the door when he gets home from work in my birthday suit … guess he’ll have to settle finding me naked on our bed tonight! 🙂
Oh, wow! That is amazing!
Control issues, trust issues and shame are often the result of an abusive childhood or some kind of past trauma. I can only recommend getting professional help from a therapist or counselor to work through this. The root cause is usually some form of attachement trauma which can seriously impact the way we relate to our spouse.
I always love your posts! They are so helpful. What do you do when your husband is the control freak?